Hey, not bad! And, I'm not normally a fan of the whole songfic thing. This one is nicely done tho! Keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Wow, I got a review! I was worried that the story sucked or something, but thanx. I really appreciate you taking the time to r/r. *grin*
This is a very interesting and very different plot line from most of the other stories I have read. That would be a very good thing. It's nice to read something that doesn't sound just like 4 or 5 other stories I've read. One thing I did wonder about is how quick Hermione was to engage herself (and Ron) with people from the past. I think, based on what we know from PoA, that Hermione would be a little worried about coming into direct contact with people from the future because of its possible implications on the future. I think one of the themes that was pretty clearly spelled out in PoA was how dangerous time travel was for that reason. That being said, I think Hermione could (and probably) come to the conclusion that they had no choice if they wanted to ever get back to their own time. Still a very good chapter, and I'm off to read the next. Good job!
You have a very interesting start to your story. Reading it, I do have a couple questions and comments. First, I'm assuming that this story takes place sometime towards the end of third year, but not before the end, am I correct? Hermione turns in the time turner at the end of third year, so it has to be before that. Also, Hermione seems to have adopted some traits that I would normally associate with Ron. The best example I can think of, one that a couple other reviewers pointed out, is "Bloody Hell." That's so much more a Ron thing to say. I did like how you described Ron and Hermione going back in time. I was able to picture that part quite clearly. I could imagine that would be pretty freaky. And, I can kind of see, even though others here have questioned it, where Ron might have just known somehow that dropping the time turner was a bad idea, like a sixth sense kind of thing. Perhaps, however, it could be made a little clearer that was how Ron felt, like he just knew somehow, deep down, that he couldn't drop it. The concept of time travel always fascinated me, and you have a pretty good start here. On to the next chapter!
Cho did seem a little more harsh than I think she was in the books, and I don't know that Harry cares about her that much any more. HOWEVER, that doesn't stop this from being a very interesting and very good start to your story! Great job!!!
I like the start you have here very much, and have a couple of comments for you. First, I really like the way you have written Hermione. I think its totally in her character for her to beat herself up and blame herself if something happened similar to what takes place in your story. However, I don't know that I could see Harry and Hermione talking about whether or not they like each other at Ron's funeral because I do think they would find it disrespectful. I could see something more subtle happening like maybe they hug, or Harry touches her hand and the spurs feelings in both of them and causes them some tension and confusion. I don't know, just my opinion. You still have a very intertesting start to your story!
I like the story line in this chapter alot and I like the way you portrayed Harry as being disconnected. I would have liked to see some more detail, and a bit smoother flow. This chapter jumped around on me a little bit...but, it didn't cause me to lose interest. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
Chapter 3 was my favorite chapter in the story so far. I got a good laugh at the end of Harry's letter. Going on to Chapter 4 in anticipation!
I still could use some more detail, and do feel like the story jumps forward at times. That doesn't change the fact that I like your story very much! If you only added a little more, gave the reader a little bit better of exactly how the characters felt. That's just a suggestion, by the way. I am really looking forward to more of this story!
Author's Response: Wow, I just read all of your reviews, thanks! I like your reviews because it gives me a little insight on what I need to improve on. There's one more chapter in this story, and you can also check out my other H/Hr story: "Jealousy, Bravery, and Love." It'll be a two-shot fic. Thanks again!
I felt like the story was rushing a little bit, but I didn't think that took away from it too much. I still like what you got so far quite a bit. Looking forward to more!
Author's Response: Thanks I think so too. But thanks.
I’ve come to expect a high standard out of your work and was glad to see that this chapter did not disappoint. The confrontation/fight/whatever you want to call it scene with James, Lily, Voldemort, and the Death Eaters was just excellent! It helped make this chapter so gripping. Though, I must say, I completely cringed in pain when Voldemort broke Lily’s wrist. I suppose, having so many sports injuries myself overtime, I can picture all to well exactly what that must have felt like. *shudder*
I do wonder, however, if Voldemort would have done something like that. It seemed awfully physical for him to me. Something like that seems more to me like something a massive, muscle-headed bully-bad guy would do. Oh well, it still worked very well and I don’t mean to suggest that as something to consider changing. It just struck me as slightly off for Voldemort. I loved how effortless you made it seem for Voldemort to block spells when Lily tried to use the disarming charm. That fit right in with how I see Voldemort. Overall, I really liked you portrayal of the Dark Lord.
I also enjoyed the hospital scene and Lily’s insistence that she see James. The fact that she almost lost him aiding her in realizing how she truly felt about him was well written too. I thought the healer’s assistant was a tiny bit too nice/too willing to let Lily see James. But, maybe I thinking too much of the way things can be in Muggle hospitals (which are the only ones I have any experience with). If James was still in a touchy condition, I just wondered if they would let her see him so easily. Maybe Lily would have had to sneak around to find him? It’s something so minor that its barely worth mentioning.
Well, I’m on to the next chapter. Only two more to go! I can’t wait to see how it turns out. This is easily one of my favorite stories on MNFF. Great job Kaltaru!
Author's Response: Thank you for your great review! I'm sorry it took so long to respond. Moochie makes it hard for me to respond in good time and then I end up forgetting.
I'm sorry the wrist scene made you wince. I didn't want to shy away from the fact that Voldemort would do that to someone without so much a thought. I saw the physical part as Voldemort's way of showing Lily his dominance over her physically and in power. Sort of. I don't actually remember what my reasoning was. *where's that notebook?*
Did I post the healer version of Lily going to see James? I thought I posted the Dumbledore version. I need to stop writing four or five different versions of the same scenes, lol. I get confused quite often when reading people's reviews and I have to read my own story to know what they're talking about. Isn't that awful? Tee hee. I'll figure it out, I'm sure.Thanks for your review! I hope you like the next chapter. :)
Great job on another tremendous chapter, Kaltaru! Particularly in this chapter, I can feel the tension building towards the main point of your plot. I haven’t read your last chapter yet, but have the whole “prequel” thing going on because I know, generally speaking, how things turn out from the books. I just love the way you have set everything up.
You portrayal of baby Harry continues to be excellent. I loved the part how baby Harry made the cloth Lily was wiping his face with disappear because he didn’t like it! More so than that, you do an outstanding job with Lily. I find the way you describe her feelings about their situation to just be extremely well put and very believable. One part I can identify with is at the start of the story where James is talking and Lily hears him, but really isn’t listening because her attention is so devoted to Harry. Yeah, since my son has been born, I can honestly say I’ve been in James’s shoes. My reaction was very similar to his as well; not mad because I knew where the attention was focused but wondering why I was even trying to tell her anything.
I also liked the portrayal of jealousy. Yes, it sounds like James has a very legitimate reason not to trust Remus, but we know what the real reason is. No one, male or female, I think would feel all that great about turning to someone who was in love with his or her significant other. There would always be this fear of yeah, I know exactly why they are so willing to help. Jealousy is part of human nature and I do think relationships can mature to a point where it is eliminated. But, being married certainly doesn’t eliminate that emotion by itself. Well portrayed.
Poor Remus. He’s being set up by that damned Peter! At first, when I was reading this, I thought you had James coming down on Remus a little too hard. But, when I got to the end, found out why, and saw how you were putting the puzzle pieces together, I understood it. You definitely made strong sales pitch for me to read the one-shot you wrote about Remus in this chapter! Great work, what else is new? It’s almost sad that I have only one chapter to go….
This is such a great chapter. I read it two or three times, and each time I did, I think I liked it a little more. Your story flows very nicely. There is a good level of detail and yet it doesn’t slow the pace of your story to a point of making it a monotonous read. Further more, always, between you and your beta readers, an excellent job has been done getting rid of any blatant mechanic errors. This chapter in particular just seemed very smooth and polished to me.
I loved the “Bug kiss” part. The portrayal of baby Harry is so nicely done. The whole idea of James and Lily teaching Harry to play hide and seek for real reason that he is too young to understand is just brilliant. Then, the part at the end of the chapter were Lily is dreaming about Hide and Seek only Voldemort is the one doing the seeking did a wonderful job bringing your chapter together.
I must preface my constructive comments by saying that I was being extremely picky. In most cases, it may be that the specifics I identified only struck me as off, and may have been fine as they were in truth. I hope you realize what a compliment it is to the overall quality of your chapter that I am forced to result to comments like the ones below to have any constructive comments. I just couldn’t find anything glaring.
I have a couple of comments about James saying, “We have a responsibility to keep him safe. The times we’re living in, it isn’t safe even to go outside. I’m sorry.” First, if I said that first sentence, I would probably be shot dead for stating the obvious. By being a father/mother, certain responsibilities are just assumed. And, in times when tension are a little high, it has been my experience that say something like that only aggravates the situation further. Perhaps that’s what you meant to do? Secondly, when James says, “The times we’re living in,” it just seems a little too reflective to me. It felt odd to me to read it that way. I guess if I could suggest a re-word, something like, “How can we protect him when it’s not even safe to go outside? I’m sorry.” I’m just being really picky, I suppose. As I have mentioned, I am seeing myself from James’ point of view when reading your story and comparing his thoughts and reactions to my own. Maybe, that’s just throwing me off a little bit.
This quote of Lily’s, “We’re like robots,” just doesn’t seem very wizarding world like to me; not very magical or World of Harry Potter like. Does that make any sense? What about a reference to Azkaban instead and Lily making a comment about how they might be a lot safer there and just as happy? I don’t know, the robots/wizard thing threw me a little bit. I’m not saying it’s bad, kal. Just that it caused my mental train to jump tracks for a minute (which happens a lot…is that bad?).
In the line “This way we’ve lived our life?” should it be “The way we’ve lived our lives?” It reads a little funny the way it is currently.
Harry is one day younger than Neville, isn’t he? But, I guess in the context of your story, Lily may not know Neville’s birthday off the top of her head.
In the sentence that goes, “Either of your sons is, in fact, the only one who can defeat Lord Voldemort.” Using “Either” by itself to begin the sentence is a little awkward to me. I think something like, “One of your sons” or “Either Harry or Neville” might work better. Again, this is just my opinion.
Overall, this has quickly become one of my favorite stories on MNFF. And, it’s finished. So, when I get my lazy self motivated, I will be able to see how it turns out and not have to wait in suspense for you to finish writing further chapters. Great work, Kal, truly.
Your crit is so interesting because I remember not being so sure about all those things you pointed out. Like Lily saying "We're like robots." I remember trying to come up with an alternative, but my brain was blocked, LOL. I really like your suggestion for what James says. *Goes to change* I'll also change what Lily says to "lives." Thanks so much for your review. I eagerly await your next chapter in The Only One. :)
Well, kaltaru, your first chapter certainly hit home for me as I read it since the experience, from the male point of view, is still fresh in my mind. I really enjoyed how you described James running around trying to make sure he had everything. I can verify your depictions of the dad to be running around trying to make sure everything is ready are accurate. It was like I was comparing notes from your story to what I actually went through. I also really liked how you portrayed Lily worrying about her son’s future. It’s scary for parents sometimes when they worry about what kind of world they’re bringing their child into and I thought you captured that well. One thing I would have liked to see in this chapter, because I think it happens to a lot of dads: When those contractions really start hitting, where was the name calling? Where was the scolding of James by Lily. You know, things like, “You did this to me!” and “This is all your fault!” and “I’m never having kids again!” Hmm, I suppose wizards must have something wonderful to ease contraction pains a little. Muggles do, so wizards must have something also. Oh well, it’s a minor detail. Also, do wizards get ultrasounds? Just curious how Lily knew she was having a boy. Okay, that’s enough nit-picking by a real life dad who just identified with a lot of the things going on in this chapter. Great story so far, and I’m looking forward to seeing where it goes from here.
Author's Response: Oh I do hope you come back to read and review some more. I would love to have a father's POV about all this. And as far as the "This is your fault!" and the like, my beta suggested that. I tried it but it felt forced to me. I just wasn't comfortable with it, even though I know it does happen. As far as Lily knowing she was having a boy, I decided to let people use their imaginations abut the various magical techniques used to find out (read: I hadn't considered it) ;) Thanks so much for your review and like I said, I hope you come back.
I think you do a very good job capturing some of the worries that go through a parent’s head. I find myself thinking about some of the same things Lily does, and I don’t even have a dark wizard after me (unless my boss at work counts). I really identified with the parts where Harry was covered in food and throwing plates on the ground. Though my son hasn’t taken to throwing things yet, I still know what its like to just have those days when your child is wearing you out. Your portrayal of that is spot on in my opinion.
The first question I have is does this story take place assuming Peter Pettigrew has already told Voldemort where the Potters are? Have they done the Fidelius Charm yet? I guess I was wondering if it had been the case, maybe Lily would feel a little more secure about things since no one would be able to find the Potters unless the Secret Keeper told someone (Voldemort) their location. I guess since Voldemort found them, Peter has betrayed them already? Silly question, I guess, but this is how my poor-math oriented mind tries to put one and one together to get three.
Also, looking at the last two sentences of paragraph number nine, “SHE would like a nap, but there was no rest for a mother and Auror. Especially one trying to lie low from Voldemort”, I think your last sentence should be part of the second to last using a semi-colon. Also, though I get the meaning in the last sentence, saying that one is trying to lie low from someone else comes off a little awkward to me, especially as it related to the second to last sentence. As a suggestion, what about something like, “She would like a nap, but there was no rest for a mother and Auror; one trying to elude Lord Voldemort.” It’s just a just a suggestion and a really nit picky one at that.
Overall, your story so far is just wonderful. Especially the way James comes, picks ups his son and does the little father son playing thing and making silly faces…I do all of that. I feel drawn right into the thick of your plot. It’s almost like I’m putting myself in James’ shoes as I’m reading this. Great job, and I will be reading the rest because I am hooked!
What a wonderfully tragic ending to your story, Kaltaru. You did a very good job here considering that everyone already knows, going in, how things will turn out. Kind of like in Star Wars *cough* prequels, you know where things are going in. In this situation, what makes the story is how good a job you do taking the reader there. I think you did a fantastic job.
Throughout your story, as I mentioned in many of my reviews, I really enjoyed your portrayal of baby Harry and Lily. Especially with Lily, you have continued that is the final chapter. I loved the sense of panic and desperation that was so evident while James tried to hold off the Dark Lord. Lily is frantic to escape with Harry while worried sick about James at the same time. Very well done.
I also loved your portrayal of the killing curse, Eww, that’s kind of morbid, isn’t it? The flash of all of those memories and thoughts and then everything suddenly going blank, “I love you so…” That was very powerful stuff.
I can’t tell you how much I have enjoyed this story. I’m looking forward to checking out your companion one shots. If there are even close to being on par with this story, I’m sure I’ll really enjoy them. Great work, and I hope to see more of your stuff soon!
Nice slip, Harry! Another good chapter. Can't wait to see what happens next. Keep up the good work!
Meet at the Hog's Head? BRILLIANT! I can totally see a plan like this going awry. Good job, looking forward to more!
This was a genuine eye brow raiser for me, and I’m not sure, through your first chapter , if I will end up liking this story or not. However, I have to admit that it has captured my attention and I certainly cannot argue that what you have here is well written. First of all, some of your descriptive work here is brilliantly done. I can actually feel that blade on the skin of my arm, which is alarming to me, but certainly means your did that part nicely. I also like the part where Regulus is debating himself as to whether or not he wants to, well you know what with her. As far as constructive feed back, you seem to have a couple places where maybe you could have broken one large paragraph into two or three smaller ones. For example, you first paragraph seemed to have two or three ideas in it. Instead of one long paragraph, it might be easier to read and follow as two, maybe even three smaller paragraphs. I was always taught new idea, new paragraph. Second, is your use of, shall we say, objectionable language. I guess dropping a few four letter words in here or there just doesn’t do much for me. I’m not going to tell you not to use them, but I will ask what do those words accomplish for you? Did it make your character more real to you? Did it make your point clearer? Looking at your use of those four letter words, I’m not entirely convinced that you couldn’t have done without them. Very rarely do I find occasions where use of four letter words actually increases my impression of someone’s work. In my personal opinion (which is only that, and no more), I think the rest of this chapter was so well written you could have done a lot better by finding another way to write that part. Overall, this is a pretty good, very dark, and somewhat disturbing chapter. Good start.
So, now in Brutens, Chrissie, and Regulus do we have the Slytherin version of the “trio”? Brutens = Ron, Chrissie = Hermione, and Regulus = Harry? Not sure if this is omething intentional on your part. But, it was the sense I got after reading Chapter two. I get a real strong sense of the struggle going on with Regulus. You continue to write that part fantastically. “How come some people have perfect lives and others have to cut themselves to either get attention or to focus on that pain, other than the real problems in there life?” All of these questions I think are very hard sometimes for younger people to grasp and it can lead to some serious depression. No question that you have those feelings captured here. Maybe this is coming up in the chapters ahead, but I really would like to know how Regulus got this way. I think you have mentioned some things here and there that suggest how it may have happened, but maybe you could somehow add some specific details that give the reader insight. Right now, what I see is a depressed Regulus who doesn’t understand the world or his place in it, and likes to cut himself. How did it come to that? What possessed him to pick up a knife and start cutting his arm like that? It would really help out a reader like me, who is a complete wuss, and could never imagine doing anything like that. Another very disturbing, addicting chapter that left me wincing and looking for more at the same time. I still don’t know if I like it or not, but have to keep reading.
Author's Response: Thanx! I can't even remember putting the four letter words in. You know, i hardleys ever swear but i'm guessing my story has some in. Brutens, Regulus? Does one of them swear? Or is it just wrote in?! I'll check it out and change it. And, i'll have a look at the paragraphs. It was a long time since i wrote that first chapter, before or maybe just after christmas. So thanx, i appriciate this review! I never really thought about them being the trio- hmm, maybe. In the last few chapters you'll find out everything you need to know about why he started. Everything. But i supose most of it is just pressure from school, family, like having bad arguements, thinking no one likes you. He see's it as something to focus on other than the pain in his life and a way to realese the pressure. So yeah, i'll try and fit all that in! Thanx!
Wow! I really liked this one very much. You really are a very good writer! Keep up the outstanding work.