This is a pretty well written prologue. You have John demanding help raising Remus which suggests to me he isn’t sure he can do it himself (or doesn’t want to). I also got the sense that John is resentful of baby Remus, his mother, or both. “Remus should never had been born if it would cost the life of his mother.” This is all in addition to the tremendous amount of sorrow. You’ve done a very good job capturing the staggering range of feelings that one might go through if this happened. Since I have already read the first chapter, I also know this prologue does a good job setting up your story. It provides the reader with a solid background moving forward through your chapters. As good as this was, I could have done with some more visuals. I had no problems feeling the emotions but I couldn’t always see clearly the characters and their surroundings. I’m not suggesting you add another 500 to 1000 words to it. Just a few more concrete details would have sharpened the picture you painted here into focus for me. I also got tripped up by redundancy. Specifically, I am referring to the phrase, “Had been,” I think I counted 8 or 9 instances of it. It gets distracting to the reader if they find themselves counting how many times a writer uses a certain word or phrase. There are others ways to say the same thing and sometimes, just by fusing a little with tenses and sentence structure, you can get rid of that phrase all together. Overall, well done.

The thing that jumps out at me and violently grabs my attention is the wedding ritual you described. I know the symbolism you’re angling for here, and I get it. But, it still seemed so primitive, so barbaric, so cult like to me. I’ve read over this chapter several times now and I still cringe a little at the thought of that act (my wife and I bleeding each other then mixing our blood) being part of my wedding. Maybe I’m just too much of a pansy! Conversely, I loved the part about throwing something into the fire from the past and future to make them one. That was outstanding! I sure would like to know what Nathan’s letter was about. John continues to sound so resentful! “He was my brother and you are just some child he never got the chance to know existed.” That followed up by insisting to Jennifer that he was only telling Remus the truth. He’s six! I really like your characterization of John so far. I did not notice any redundant phrases this time. If there were any, they were not so obvious that I ended up counting them. So, that is an improvement of the prologue. I did feel like something was just off in your dialogue at times. This may only be because of my background and the way I grew up hearing people say things. As an example, “What were you doing at Bo Morrison's home?” I can’t recall a mother ever asking a child where he or she was like that (in my own personal experience). I always heard things like, “Why were you at Bo’s?” or “What were you doing at Bo’s?” Then again, maybe that’s just me nitpicking and that may very well be the kind of thing you heard all the time growing up. If so, take this only as an anomaly that occured because of my own background. I am looking forward to more in this story!

Author's Response: The thing about the character John to me, since I was thinking about this earlier, is that he had so many different feelings going on inside of him. Sometimes he is mad and takes it out on Remus because he can not accept the fact still that his brother was taken forcefully and that his sister in law was taken also at a young age. Other times he is so worried that he is going to raise Remus the wrong way that he doesn't know what he is doing. You'll find out what Nathan's letter was about later on. That wedding part was something that I had seen before on television shows where young kids did mix blood together. Jennifer grew up a certain way where she heard the phrase home after the friend she was visiting. You'll fin dout about all of the adults childhoods' here and there as a side story. I imagined Remus as having this cute voice and the words he said just started sounding natural so I love writing him. You should really join S.P.E.W

This story just keeps getting better every chapter! I really liked the way you wrote Dumbledore here. Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Hey, I'm happy you liked it. Well, Dumbledore definitely took on a more mature perspective, you can't really expect him to use everyday language, could you?

Man, that was pretty darn good. A very believable plot line as far as how Harry might react going into year six. I really liked your story and can't wait for more!

This is a very good start, though I must agree with AlexisTaylor about Harry's marks. Also, I don't get the sense from the first five books that Hermione had a real interest in becoming an Auror. But, I guess it's not impossible to see. On the flip side, I like how you tied Harry's realization of his deeper feelings for Hermione in with the time when she was nearly killed. If Harry does have feelings for her, that might be just the kind of event to trigger those feelings. I also like some of your details, and the letters. Looking forward to seeing more of your work!

I like the start you have here. I liked the way you characterized Hermione, especially the part when she surprised herself by how much she was fussing over her appearance. A couple of suggestions I have: First of all, in Hermione's letter back to Harry, she asks for his address? I don't know, I just get the sense Hermione would know he lives at #4 Privet Drive by now. Maybe you could have her just ask directions? Secondly, do you think a teen age girl's parents would be a little more suspicious and uneasy about a boy coming to stay at their place with their teen age daughter for the whole summer holiday? Just something to think about. I would have thought, even if Hermione's parents like Harry, she might have had to talk them into the idea a little more. Ah, maybe that's just me though. Other than those couple things, I really liked the start you have here, and hope you post an update soon!

Author's Response: Thankyou for your advise ummmm... i guess i could have thought about that a bit more

I really like the way you are writing this story, RW. I think it’s a lot harder to write a first person story, especially with a canon character. You are doing a very good job thus far. I really liked how you made the dementor confused when it brought the food and thus Sirius realized how this might be an opportunity for some kind of escape. Another part I thought was very good was how Sirius (as the dog) was running towards the sea, not really knowing what it was at first. In the rain and fog, I could totally picture what that might look like. You did a great job with imagery there. I do have a couple things I picked up on that I had questions/suggestions/comments about. First of all, in the sentence that goes, “…by the wall of Azkaban”, should it be, “…by the walls of Azkaban”? I guess it could be either one. In the third paragraph, you used the word “moments” and “moment” in back to back sentences. It makes the sentences sound a little redundant. Finally, in PoA, did it say that dementors could not detect animal emotions, or had a harder time detecting them? I don’t think it said they couldn’t detect them. This is from the HPL, “…in his Animagus form when they brought him food; they lost him because animal emotions are harder for them to sense than human emotions.” I think I’m being extremely picky there, because I do think the way you have it written is very good regardless. But, it might be something to look at. Overall, I think this was a very well done chapter and really made for a very believable escape from Azkaban by Sirius. Great job so far!

Author's Response: Yes, I'm slightly clumbsy with those little mistakes; thanks. to answer you questoin, I found the quote: "Dementors can't see, you know. . . ." He swallowed. "They feel their way toward people by feeding off their emotions. . . . They could tell that my feelings were less - less human, less complex when I was a dog." I suppose that they could still since him, but barely. I'll need to change a couple of details. I've read PoA so many times now, I've practially memorized that whole chapter. ;)

Vader thinks this is the first thing he has ever read of yours, unless his memory is failing (which would not surprise him in the least -- when you get old like Vader, that’s one of the things that goes first, isn’t it?). Admittedly, he is not that big a fan of exchange or transfer students who come from another school and just so happen to meet Harry, Ron, and Hermione; especially if the school they come from is in the United States. However, Vader does think he can manage to put aside his generalizations about this plot and give your story a fair shake. So, without further delay, here goes!

Vader thought you did a pretty good job creating a believable original character. So far, Juliet Starr is showing no signs of slipping into the pitfalls of Mary Stu-dom. You did a nice job giving your reader some background on her, you described some of her physical traits (i.e. the very Harry-like, brilliant green eyes that are just a little smaller), and you used dialogue and thought passages to create for the reader a sense of Juliet’s personality. Vader thinks you did a very good job introducing your OC. You should be very proud of that. In an established universe like that of Harry Potter, bringing an OC in is not the easiest thing to do.

You included what sounded like an apology (almost) for the pace of your first chapter. Vader didn’t think there was anything wrong with pacing or flow. He didn’t find himself drifting off while reading this at all. He thinks the way you used dialogue to keep things moving helped out quite a bit. In the end, it didn’t really matter that you didn’t dive into to the main crux of your plot because there was enough interest in the introduction of your OC and her interaction with the canon characters.

Vader did notice a couple things in your first chapter where he though he might be able to offer some suggestions. First of all, in your very first paragraph, you had a sentence that reads, ”There was no one with her, because she had forced her parents not to come with her.” You have the word her in this sentence three times. You could either reword this sentence, or at the very least, drop the with her at the end. For example, what if you put something like, “She was alone, having forced her parents not to come.” It accomplished pretty much the same thing without the repetitiveness.

The next thing Vader noticed was in paragraph number four. You had this sentence, ”Looking out the window at the gateway, she saw people coming more and more quickly.” Perhaps this is just a pep peeve of his, but Vader doesn’t like the phrase “more and more.” To him, it just sounds a little weak. Why not using something like, “Looking out the window at the gateway, she saw people where now streaming through, spilling onto the platform next to the train,” or “Looking out the window at the gateway, she saw a horde of people stampeding onto the platform.” Those are just Vader’s ideas, you could certainly mess around with it some more until you found something you liked. But, do you get Vader’s point?

The last thing Vader wanted to comment on was what he felt was sort of a characterization flip-flop you had going on with Harry/Ron and Hermione. The first example is when Ron bursts out, “Amazing! Another school? From where?” Perhaps he is crazy, but this sounded more like Hermione to Vader. Hermione is the main one out of the trio who just seems to be fascinated by other places. And, if she encountered someone new who happened to be from another country, it just seems like she would be more likely to say something like that.

Example number two is this sentence, ”How in the world do you remember this stuff? That was five years ago!” This time, you had Hermione saying something that Vader would have expected Ron or Harry to say. It just seems like Hermione is the really razor sharp one who could drag something back up from years ago on the drop of a time and leaving Harry and Ron wondering how she did it. Does that makes sense to you? Vader supposes this could all just be a matter of opinion.

Overall, you did a very nice job on this opening chapter. Vader has the second chapter printed out and is ready to read. This was a nice, easy paced read that definitely gave readers enough incentive to move on to the next installment. Keep up the good work. Dear lord! That may be Vader’s longest ever review! Eeek!

Vader really enjoys Riyo’s writing style. It has almost a poetic like rhythm to it in places that he really likes; especially in the prologue. Your imagery is absolutely fantastic. When Vader reads, he can almost feel everything that the characters are feeling, and see everything they see. You do an excellent job drawing the reader into your story! In Chapter 1: Ron, I noticed a couple very small things I want to point out.
The trio, Ginny and Neville were walking through Hogsmeade, Ron and Hermione bickering all the way about anything and nothing at the same time.  This is just a ticky-tack nit-pick thing for Vader, but its one thing to refer to “the trio” when your discussing HP stuff in a forum. Vader would have liked it better if he’d seen “Harry, Ron, and Hermione” written out. Then again, everyone will know who you mean here, so it isn’t like this is a horrible problem.
The Ministry suspected that the Death Eaters had taken her body as some sort of price.  Was the end of this sentence supposed to be “…some sort of prize”? It seems to make more sense. Vader hopes this isn’t an US English vs. a UK English thing. If it is, please excuse this comment altogether.
At the top of the stairs he stopped and looked at the door leading to Ginny’s old room. Something drew him to the door and before he knew it he had opened it. Looking inside, her smell filled every fibre of his body, taking him over. Memories flooded him. Ginny smiling. Ginny angry at him because he refused to let her fly with him; Ginny running after him to retain her teddy bear; Ginny giving him a secret smile when she covered for him to their mother; Ginny laughing madly if Fred or George had gotten him again with one of their jokes; Ginny conspiring with the twins in a corner; Ginny waving at him when he left in the Hogwarts’ Express for the first time; Ginny crying when their cat died… Ginny.  What a fantastic paragraph this is! Vader loves this paragraph. He felt like he was Ron, standing at the top of the stairs.
In all, this is just a fantastic story so far. It is so dark, so depressing, so captivating. I’m looking forward to more!

Author's Response: Thank you very much for reviwing Vader. I am glad you like my style since I know it is a peculiar one and it takes time to get used to. And you are very right about your comments. I hate it myself that Harry, Ron and Hermione are referred to be the trio and I can't belive I did that myself. Must be the influence of being online all the time. And you are also right about the price/prize thing. It should be prize, not price. I am glad you liked the paragraph where Ron remembers Ginny. So far that was my favorite bit to write as well. Thanks again!

Oh no! You’ve made Harry much too strong here (I’m teasing by the way). Had I been locked in a dark closet with a girl I felt that way about, I would not have been able to restrain myself. I would have collapsed like a house of cards. I was reading going. “kiss her, kiss her!” No such luck. What can I say, this is another very well written chapter. As you can tell from above, I am really drawn into Harry’s character and can identify with a lot of the things he is going through. You are doing a fantastic job in your portrayal of Harry and all he is going through. Great work so far on this story. One thing that I did not care for in this chapter was the use of strong language. In my own personal opinion, I don’t feel it added much to your story. I feel you do such a good job writing that you could have easily communicated the anger and frustration on Harry’s part without the use of four letter words. And, regardless of the situation, I just cannot see Hermione swearing. It almost seems like it would be OOC to me for her to do so. Okay, sorry to rant about the strong language, as I said it’s just a personal thing of mine. I still really enjoyed this chapter very much and cannot wait to see what happens when Harry tells Hermione the truth. Great job, as always.

Author's Response: Thanks for all your support here, Vader. Well, first off, I understand why the language would be kind of well ... inappropriate, and after I wrote the chapter I was going through a sort of internal battle; should I put in the swearing or not. Luckily it was only one word; I might edit that part later. As for Hermione, I don't think I wrote her swearing. Hmm, maybe I should read this over again. I'll post the next chapter as soona s the mods open up the queue again, because it's kind of a short one.