Great start to your story! Your first two chapters here are very well done. I really enjoyed your portrayal of all the characters. I liked the part where Ginny and Hermione are trying to pick out an outfit for Hermione's date. Just some good fun interaction between characters that makes your story really fun to read. I also like the part about Harry and Hermione falling asleep together on couch. The whole idea of friends before, well more than friends is well portrayed here, especially when Harry wakes up and the first thing he notices is that Hermione is no where in sight. One thing that I would offer as a suggestion, you keep referring to the final battle, almost like it's scheduled on the calendar like a Quidditch match. It sort of distracted me a little bit because that's what I kept thinking. Instead of final battle, what about saying something like "The inevitable clash (or collision) with Lord Voldemort"? It's just a suggestion, it's not like this was a major flaw or anything. You did do a very good job, I thought, created a sort of panic stricken backdrop for your story, where you can tell everyone is a little bit on edge. I did like that. Also, and this is very picky on my part, but I offer it as a suggestion: Some of your paragraphs seemed really long. When you have someone like me, who reads like a 6 year old, long paragraphs can detract from your story a little bit. I think maybe if you tried to break up a couple of your really long paragraphs into shorter ones, you'd find that your story might read a little easier. Other than those two small things, I was very impressed with your story, and really am looking forward to your next chapter! I'm a pretty big H/Hr fan, and yours is certainly one of the ones I have enjoyed the most! 9/10.
Author's Response: I really want to thank you for your review and I'm really thrilled you like the story so far. I want to especially thank you for your suggestions, as they are really, very helpful and I will try to refer to them for my next chapters. Thanks for reading!
I would like to congratulate you, mspadfoot89, on capturing the absolutely infuriating nature of girls Hermione’s age. She knows she loves Harry, deep down, but all of the sudden has this urge to run back to Anthony; back to what she knows, back to what’s safe. She enters into a state of denial or panic about it, “Oh no! My best friend loves me and I love him…what do I do?” Not that boys Harry’s age aren’t infuriating too (they are in their own ways), but I really thought you did a fantastic job creating a very believable, very realistic reaction to Harry’s confession. I also liked it because Hermione didn’t just melt like butter in a hot pan like she does in nine out of ten Harry/Hermione stories when she finds out Harry likes her. The emotional fiber of this chapter was just excellent; one of your best yet. I really enjoyed reading it. There were only a couple things I would like to make comments on. First, you had an instance where you used a double “had” in your second paragraph. It just sounds a little weak to me. Anytime I catch myself writing something like this, I try to rephrase the sentence to avoid using the same word back to back. For example, “Many chances had presented themselves to Harry this past week and Ron was vigilant in his efforts to leave him alone with Hermione.” In my personal, good for nothing opinion, it just makes your writing sound much more limited with a “had had” in there and I know for a fact this is not the case. Secondly, and I must forewarn you here because I am really being extremely picky here, using the Room of Requirement. I don’t know if I liked the Room of Requirement as the place Harry chose to tell Hermione his feelings for her. The Room of Requirement, I think is one of those things in Harry Potter Fan Fiction that is getting worn out. There are just so many stories that have the Room of Requirement in it in some key capacity. My honest reaction was, “Not the Room of Requirement again!” I guess I would have liked to see something different, something original. For example, Harry leads Hermione to a little waterfall along a stream in the Forbidden Forest where, according to Hagrid, his dad used to take girls (Lily maybe?). However, that is just a matter of personal opinion. I thought your actual use of the Room of Requirement was fine. Overall, this was probably my favorite chapter in the story. It was a really enjoyable read. And, if there are more troubles ahead, which your author’s notes hints at, I cannot wait to read more! Great work, as always!
Author's Response: First of all, I want to thank you for the very detailed review. I means so much to me that you-and most of the other readers of this fic-would take the time to write down all of your thoughts. Next, I would like to say, I'm actually amazed that you liked Hermione's reaction, seeing as I really didn't spend that much time on her. It's probably one of those girl things. As for the 'had had' thing, I'll either try to think of another sentence or (if you don't mind of course) use your sentence, seeing as I liked it. Now for the Room of Requirement. Yes, I know it's getting very worn out, but I didn't really want to make it overly romantic, you know, with like moonlight and waterfalls and stuff like that. There will be a time for that later. And one last thing: there's not going to be much trouble with the romance, but other problems start coming up. Thanks again for the review!
as just having an average night when I flipped to the H/Hr page and saw one of my favorite stories had a new chapter posted. I loved your portrayal of emotions in the chapter. There is a good deal of hurt on both sides when something like this happens and I must say I really identified with Harry having been in a dead similar situation before. It is so easy to tell someone that something like this will not affect your friendship. The truth, however, is that it always does. You did a marvelous job depicting those feelings.
Here are the few things I noticed in this chapter in terms of areas to improve:
In this sentence: and he’d said, “Is there…was there…anything I could have done to make you love me back?”, I would make it he’d ask or he’d inquire. It sounds a little better to me.
Second, your letter from Harry comes across a little to mature for me. I think Harry would fumble through something like that terribly. It just seems like it was a little too perfectly worded for Harry.
This sentence, and he still loved her with every ounce of strength he possessed, just doesn’t sound right to me. How about something like, when Harry looked inside he could see that his love for her was still in complete control. Just a suggestion.
Once again, you have written a truly great chapter. You closing paragraph was so spot on similar to mine, it really tied it all in for me. Great job! I really liked it.
*Stands up and cheers for another very enjoyable chapter* I loved the breakfast scene at the start of your chapter, especially when Hermione leaves and Anthony suddenly finds himself in shark infested waters (so to speak). And, I love how Harry couldn't look at Anthony...of course If I were Harry, I wouldn't be able to look at either one of them. I just loved the tension in that scene. I also liked the part at the end. I thought you did a great job capturing the feeling, the electric like feeling you get when you get close to someone you like...or touch them. Very nice. And, I hope Harry is only dreading what he saw in Hermione's eyes because he's afraid something bad will happen to her because he happens to like her. There are a couple things I wondered about, reading this chapter. First, the part in the middle, where Harry goes to see Dumbledore. I wondered if that part could be expanded a little more to give a little better idea what’s going on. I wondered, given the situation, if Harry would be paranoid about whether or not they (meaning Dumbledore and the other teachers) are really looking for something specific as opposed to a routine check. Just my thoughts. I'm sure it will be explained in future chapters. Ron also seemed a little too quick catching on to Harry’s feelings about Hermione. Not a big flaw, I guess I just always saw Ron as a little thick about things like that. I don't know that he have caught is so fast, even though it is his best friend. The pacing of this chapter was excellent! It was a very nice read! Eagerly looking forward to your next installment. Keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Thank you for reading and reviewing and I'm so happy you liked it. Now, let's see. It will be explained why Harry is dreading his feelings for Hermione. As for Harry's meeting with Dumbledore, there's no real significance Voldemort-wise, but it will be important to the romance. As for Ron, I only made him that quick because I figured dating Hermione would have made him a little more clued in. I want to thank you so much for the constructive criticsm and I do hope you enjoy the other chapters!
From your A/N: “However, I feel it is definitely not one of my best chapters.” Vader thinks you may have done far better here than you realize. There is some very good tension in this chapter and some brilliant description of feelings and sensations. Let’s looks at some of Vader’s favorite parts: “Suddenly, for the first time, Hermione felt a curious sensation, as though eyes were on her. But the glare was not unfriendly. She slowly turned her head, trying not to seem obvious and met a pair of astoundingly green eyes, now boring into her own.” This, along with the rest of this paragraph, Vader thought was very well done. In fact, Vader liked the whole part while they are in Charms. Vader could see Ron sitting there trying to restrain his laughter while Harry stares dazedly at Hermione, who is in turn clueless. Vader has been in Ron’s shoes before watching one of his best friends stare at a girl like that. It was pretty funny. You did well to capture those feelings. One the constructive end of things, Vader noticed some redundant phrases and words coming up. The best example is the word realized. Vader thinks you used it like 5 or 6 times in the first couple of paragraphs. You’re easily a good enough author to come up with some alternate ways to say the same thing. Overall, Vader liked this chapter very much. Thanks for the update, and Vader will wait anxiously for more!
Author's Response: Thanks you so much for the kind words. I'm really happy you liked this chapter as well. As for the word 'realized' I know I use it so much but truly, there's hardly a word out there that can take its place completely. I will try to find a good substitute, though. I'll try to update soon!
Good job on another nice chapter in your story, mspadfoot89. Vader applauds the fact that you have continued with your H/Hr story in the aftermath of HBP, which, combined with comments from JKR herself, largely left the hopes of H/Hr shippers in shambles. It’s good to see, since we won’t be getting our way in the books, that we’ll still have a few good fan fics to read.
Of all the H/Hr stories Vader has read, your portrayal of Hermione is one of his favorites. You seem to have a pretty good sense of her. You did a very good job describing how she seemed to be locked in on Harry all the time and how she sort of lost touch with everything else. The part where Anthony had to snap his fingers in her face to get her attention did an especially good job of driving that point home. Good job!
One thing Vader wondered about, however, was whether or not you had Hermione and Anthony handle their break up a little too maturely. Now, Vader doesn’t mean to say that at 16/17 years old they are incapable of an amicable break up. The fact that they both agree to end it and go their own ways is fine by it self. Even the parts about how they ask each other if there is someone else, or whether or not they feel the same about each other…that was all good. What threw Vader a little bit is Hermione telling Anthony that he didn’t do it for her spiritually anymore. That came off to Vader as something more mid to late twenties (at the earliest) than late teens. Does that make any sense? Also, the fact that Anthony decided to help Hermione sort her boy problems out, Vader felt, was a bit of a stretch too. Well, it’s just an opinion.
Vader thinks your beta did a pretty good job, because he couldn’t find much in the way of grammar, spelling, or punctuation errors. The only things he found were sentences he might have reworded. For example:
She didn’t really understand what was happening to her and was hoping Anthony would help her find the answers she was looking for.
Vader would have reworded the end of this sentence to say, was hoping Anthony would help her find some answers. Something like that just seems a little less wordy. Additionally, the following:
Silence again.
Vader would have put something like, silence fell again or silence fell over them again. Is it even a sentence as it stands now? Vader isn’t sure. Again, more of a suggestion.
Overall, this was another enjoyable installment in your story and it left Vader looking forward to your next chapter. He hopes you continue writing despite the revelations brought by the HBP. Great work as always!
You have done a good job on a very interesting start to your story. It’s brief, but the first chapter still manages to grab hold of the readers attention. This is something that is very important for first chapters to do. I noticed, as a read a couple instances where your wording seemed to be a little redundant. One example of this is the phrase “was the next to walk in” (or something very close to it) was used twice in the same paragraph. Another example is the sentence where you wrote, “they were trying to track him down and nail him down” (This one would not have been so bad by itself, as it has kind of a poetic ring to it. However, taken with the other examples I found, it did contribute to the redundancy). Finally, in one paragraph, you used the phrase “This was” to start two consecutive sentences. There were also some other minor instances where I thought the wording was a bit off. However, none of them really detracted from your story. Overall, you have a decent start here. Looking forward to more!
I guess I should just start assuming anything you write is going to be good. This has such a poetic tone to it, to me any way. There is some fantastic imagery here, which I always enjoy. For example, "The skin only gave away its taught, peach-fuzzed texture to two deeply set lines swooping down from her flared nostrils" and "Her fingers splayed out on either side, as if they were the gnawed feathers of some Dream Master's headdress". Very nice! I was really wondering if McKee was going to jump too, you had me going. So, it was like you created some nice suspense there. Great job!
Author's Response: Thank you! The images just pop into my head so clearly, it's a simple task of portraying it to everyone else. I love your work, as well you know. Thank you so much for reviewing!
Bellatrix Lestrange is one of Vader’s favorite characters in the Harry Potter series. Though his opinions of the character were not drastically altered by this work, he must say that this was a very interesting read. Using the diary to explain “the way things are” to young wizards and witches outstanding. It shows a very believable reason why some wizards might fear (to this day) Muggle persecution. And, the impression such a memory or such images can leave on an eleven-year-old serves well as a possible explanation for the way Bella turned out.
For the most part, your characterization of Bella is spot on. However, it does seem to Vader that she might have a little more of a “let them all die” attitude. Or, at least, that was the impression he got from the books. Granted, to this point, we have only seen glimpses of her. So, it is certainly guess work. Perhaps Vader is just having a hard time seeing her as being able to rationalize things the way you have her here. She always came across a little bit more on the crazy side (to Vader).
There is one point, in the fifth or sixth paragraph from the bottom, where it looks like you meant to have a new paragraph, and they sort of got squished together. Vader doesn’t think that is a major thing, unless you want to be a perfectionist. It certainly doesn’t interfere with the read and much as the eye. Just making a note.
Great work, CCCC! This is the first time Vader has read anything of yours, he thinks. A worthy nomination to Featured Story status!
You asked for some more reviews? Vader will deliver. I like the start you have here, even though I have some comments to make about it of a constructive nature. This story is unique in the fact that you don’t see many stories written in first person from Hermione’s point of view. I did enjoy that. Let me make a couple of suggestions and general comments, and please note that these are only my opinions. First, I feel like this chapter is a little rushed. Your main idea is good, that Hermione “rescues” Harry for the rest of the summer. But, I think you could slow down a little bit and maybe do just a bit better of a job selling us all on your storyline. Use some more imagery, describe for the reader the scene, the characters, make us feel part of your story.
Do you use a beta reader? I did see a couple spelling errors here and there that maybe a beta could have caught. For example, In this sentence, “…and the brightest which of her age,” which should be witch.
You say in your story that Harry was jealous of Viktor at the Yule Ball. I don’t think that’s really true. I think Harry may have noticed that Hermione could be really pretty when she wanted to at the Yule Ball, but I don’t think he was jealous. I think Harry was far too distracted by other things at the time. I think Ron was the jealous one. Finally, I thought the way Hermione just told her parents that Harry was coming to spend the rest of their summer was a bit of a stretch, even OOC for Hermione. Hermione is pretty respectful and would probably ask and not tell her parents about Harry staying.
I think what you have so far isn’t bad. I think if you would have just eased up the pace a little bit and taken a little more time describing the scene and selling us on how Harry ended up getting to stay with the Grangers for the rest of the summer, your story would have been much better. Keep in mind I’m not an expert, just a big fan of H/Hr stories. These are just my opinions and I hope some of what I said is useful to you.
MagicalMax, I enjoyed reading the second chapter to your story. As with the first one, I like how you keep shifting the point of view of the story to gives a feel for what’s going on with several different characters. I found some mechanical errors you might want to look at, nothing major. In the sentence that says, “I can’t exactly tell you where I am, but I am with the Weasley’s,” you need to drop the apostrophe from Weasleys. Also, on a plot note, I think it is fairly well established on both sides where the Weasleys live. So, Harry saying he is with the Weasleys really makes the Burrow a prime target for any attempts on anything by Death Eaters or whoever else. If you wanted to keep it a little more secret, you could say something like, “I can’t tell you were I am, but you’ve been there before,” or “I can’t tell you were I am exactly, but Ron and I talked about it on the train on the way home.” These are just suggestions. I just feel like as soon as you mention Weasleys, everyone, bad guys included, will know Harry means the Burrow. Also, is this bit of dialogue, ““I couldn’t sleep and flying is just comforting for me. And why are you out here so early,” Harry responded. I think you need to have a question mark before your quotation mark, not a comma. Harry is asking a question, right? In this sentence, “Mum would never let me go flying and have to practice because I want to try out for Chaser this year. I can’t make the team if I don’t practice,” I think you missed a word. I think you meant, “Mum would never let me go flying and I have to practice because I want to try out for Chaser this year.” Overall, I liked some of the different things you had going on in this chapter. Is Hermione in denial, or does she just know she doesn’t like Harry as more than a friend? Perhaps I’m reading something between the lines that isn’t there, but it sounded like denial. I do wonder about Draco going after a Weasley though, unless his only intent is to use Ginny for information or to get at Harry somehow. He just seems to detest the Weasleys too much in the books. At any rate, it’s still an interesting story thus far. Keep up the good work, and I’ll look forward to chapter three.
Author's Response: Thanks so much for your comments. I think you are right about the thing with the Weasleys. I will change that and all other errors when that function is abled again. About Hermione, it was denial. She could never imagine feelings for Harry. I am trying to encorperate that Draco hates the Weasley's, but is so hard while he likes Ginny. I am so glad you like the story. There is a little twist in chapter 3 that everyone can look forward to. Thanks again for the great and helpful review!
I think you have a decent start to your story, MagicalMax. I like how you have written four different scenes detailing specific events. It kind of made me feel like I was watching your story. And, I also liked that you chose to pick up the story in a different place than Privet Drive. I know that’s were JKR always has Harry start out in all of the books, so its pretty much the standard place to start him. But, it’s a nice change to see you skipped that part; it was refreshing. I liked your description of Percy’s room, but have a question. Do Prefects have more than one badge? I honestly am not sure. Other than that, I got sort of a cold sense of Percy’s room through words like empty, vacant, and bare. I thought your description of Ron’s little fantasy was good too, and I liked how you wrote Ron’s awakening from his little dream by Hermione saying, “Ginny, an owl has a letter for you.” Then, Ron wakes up and realized he was dreaming as Ginny is running downstairs. I liked that part. One part I didn’t understand, is the part with Draco Malfoy. Instead of playing darts with the pictures, how about having Malfoy blasting the pictures with a curse? Darts just seemed a little too Muggle-like to me for Draco. At least, that’s my personal opinion. Also, in that scene, you used the word hate or hated quite a bit. Try not to use the same words over and over, especially in the space of only a couple paragraphs. It can be distracting to the reader. At any rate, I expect the Draco scene will have ties ins to future chapters which I will look forward to. Nice start, and I’ll watch for chapter 2!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for all of your complements. The Draco seen will have ties in the next chapter, but you'll have to wait! You made a good point about darts vs. curses, but I thought I would add a little humor. I am not sure about the Prefect badges. I'll have to look into that. I am glad you liked the story, thanks for your review. Oh and I have submitted chapter two.
I think I got to read this story when it was little more than a plot bunny jumping around. I thought it was a good idea then and you have done a really good job developing this story. I was thoroughly impressed with your betrayal of an autistic child/teen. The obsessive counting, the “red…red…red…”, very chilling and very powerful. I really enjoyed your portrayal of Levin. The plot in your story is also very good. I thought you did an excellent job creating a strong desire for the reader to continue right on to chapter two and read more. I rate that sort of thing very high on the importance scale for early chapters. You also did some very nice descriptive work. I felt drawn into the scene by the way you detailed your characters surroundings. I did find a couple things I can offer as suggestions; mostly minor stuff. Your betas appear to have done a fantastic job eliminating mechanical errors, because I didn’t notice any (not that I am an expert). First, in this sentence, “which held countless numbers of glass bottles”, I think is sounds better to say, “which held a countless number of glass bottles”. It’s almost like this is a double plural to me (if that makes a single ounce of sense). Secondly, in this sentence, “…towards the curtains attached to her window…”, how about using a word like draped or suspended. The use of the word attached is just a little off to me. Very nit-picky, I know. It’s just a suggestion. Finally, watch for word redundancy. I noticed a couple of instances of it in this chapter. Here is an example of the word moon being used in consecutive sentences, “Shivers trickled down her spine with the passing thoughts of the moon. If it weren’t for the moon emitting light...” I would rephrase these sentences to avoid it. Furthermore, the word moon appears in the next sentence after these two as well. Overall, this may be the best story (in my opinion) that I have read of yours. I really enjoyed it. Great job!
This is very nicely done. Though very short, I think it sums up Bellatrix very well. I absolutely love your first stanza and the final one is very good too. The middle stanza gets kind of loose for me, however. I assume this stanza refers to her taking her wand and preparing to cast the killing curse? That is my guess. Am I close? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean to say that it isn’t good. I just didn’t follow it as well as the first and last stanzas. Really good job on this one. It short, smooth flowing, and captures the character very well I think.
Vader thinks AlexisTaylor writes amazing one shots (writes amazing period, actually). McKee is such a fantastic character too. He would definitely have to consider excessive use of the force to conjure up an OC as good. Then, to make this even better, you have teamed McKee up with one of Vader’s favorite canon characters aside from the Trio. There were a couple things he really enjoyed in this one-shot, beginning with where McKee sees that Ginny recognizes certain features and thinks it may of dawn on her who McKee is descendant from…but doesn’t say anything. That particular part of their exchange is so well written. Vader also likes how Ginny points out the equity in uselessness between watching Quidditch and doing homework. Your one-shots also seem to function very well as supplemental pieces of background to you sixth year fic. Vader could not find any mechanical errors, but he is beginning to expect that to be the case in your work. Fantastic job!
Author's Response: Lex is very close to cursing, as the moochie has now gotten to her twice, and she has yet to learn from her mistakes. Lex is thick-headed sometimes. Hopefully she will make use of the copy and paste feature. Thank you for taking your time to read this little piece of fluff, as I worked hard on it. It was the only piece I've ever re-written four times - total scratch-style. No one will ever fully grasp McKee's parentage, because it's only visible in tiny flashes. She doesn't physically resemble the one she imitates in personality. Lovely, isn't it? Thank you for the praise, and your on-target assessment. Grazi!
I have to say, Max, that this looks to be a very interesting and very unique plot line. I think the possibility of the Dark Lord trying to use those close to Harry, particularly Ron and Hermione, to get at him is very believable. Voldemort certainly knows Harry will do anything for those he cares about. And, if it were Ron or Hermione, I suspect he would charge off right after them, even if it meant going into the lair of the Dark Lord himself. I didn’t find Hermione to be OOC, when you factor in the voices in her head, dramatically impacting her behavior, though I have a hard time seeing her attack Ron. Maybe shout something at him, then storm off would be more believable. Hermione just strikes me as someone with a little more self control, voices or not. I also wonder after some of the things that Harry and Ginny have gone through with the Voldemort possessing them or putting ideas in their head, wouldn’t her guard be up for something like this? I wonder if Hermione would suspect something if she’s hearing voices and maybe even tell Dumbledore or Professor McGonagall about it. I thought Harry might react a little differently too. I can certainly see Harry yelling something angrily at Hermione initially, but I think he would be in almost a state of shock to see her do something like that. This is a very interesting start. You do a good job of getting the reader’s attention and the story moves right along. I liked how you did the voices in Hermione’s head. Good job so far.
Author's Response: I am glad you like the story! About her attacking Ron, the reason is the voices. The let her become more free. She had been preparing for an attack and studying spells, but nothing could prepare her for this. Harry was shocked, but the emotion of anger took over. Again I am glad you liked it, Chapter 2 will be coming soon.
Your author’s note says, “I’m not sure at all about this poem.” Vader thinks you should be. This is a very catchy little poem. One of the best things about poems, in Vader’s view, is that they don’t have to be particularly long to pack some emotional punch. This work of yours would be evidence of the fact. The middle stanza is by far Vader’s favorite, especially the never forgave part. Another nice thing about your poem is the flow. It just reads so smoothly. You did a very good job on this one, keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Thankyou very much for your review and I'm glad you had a faveourite part. The reason I was slightly unsure about this was because it has a slightly different style in rhyming and rhythm to my other poems and I wasn't sure if it worked. I am very glad to kn ow you think it worked, and I will keep writing. Thanks!
Ah, McKee. One of my favorite OCs. I always enjoy the way you portray her. Further more, I like how you portray Ginny as well. The way you have the two interacting is so well done. I think I would like to try some glow, however. Can you tell me where I can get some? Anyway, I love the creativity. I am also interested to see where you go with your portrayal of Bill. There isn’t a ton of Canon on him, other than maybe being the “cool” Weasley. So, it’s like you get to write another OC almost. Good start to this story Lex, you are as talented as they come on MNFF. I really enjoy your work!
Author's Response: I can dispense some Glow. But you can't tell the government. They've been watching me..... Oh, I don't think I'm that good, but I like compliments. Thank you!
I liked the idea of making a little rhyming letter from Luna to Harry. It isn’t too much of a stretch for me to see her doing that type of thing. I think your rhyme scheme gets a little loose in a couple of places. I think a few others people have pointed out the thing about Beauxbatons and Satin not really rhyming. Then again, what rhymes with Beauxbatons anyway? Another suggestion I might make is to do something with this to make it seem a little more Luna-like. We know that Luna is a little odd and a little “out there” sometimes. In this piece, other than the fact that she has written Harry a rhyming letter to begin with, there isn’t anything in here so far out of nowhere that it screams to the reader, “Yep, that’s Luna.” Do you understand what I mean? Maybe if you put a line in there something about how Luna is leaving Harry her lion head hat that she wore to Quidditch match in fifth year so he could keep up that Gryffindor spirit. Just a something a little wacky like that so all your readers really connect with Luna’s personality. At any rate, I liked what you have here. I did enjoy it. I hope you take what I have written here as suggestions for improvement and not as indications that what you have written here is not good. I’m looking forward to reading more of your work.
Author's Response: Thanx for the review! You Rock! I will use those suggestions hopefully in my 3rd chapter! (I already wrote the second) Thanx so much for them. I totally understand about the Luna thing! Thanx for giving the suggestions to me, and I hope you read the next chapter!
~loverofluna~
You have done great job on this poem, GryffindorGoddess. I really liked the idea of the rictameter. It’s one type I have never tried writing before, nor even heard of to be honest. So, I found it very interesting. Writing poetry is hard enough. Writing poetry that must adhere to a strict format of meter is even harder. You’ve pulled it off very nicely in this one. I guess if I had one constructive criticism, it would be that I had a hard time seeing a fortress guiding someone. To me, a fortress protects more than in guides. So, maybe something like, “The fortress that protected me,” would have worked a little better for me. That’s just my personal opinion, however. I may be guilty of slipping into a Potter-centric viewpoint there; trying to read this poem as if Harry wrote. I’m not sure if you intended it as such or not. Any way, it’s still a very enjoyable little poem. Keep up the good work.
Author's Response: thank you, and you're right about the guided vs. protected thing....but the thing with the syllables....yeah it wouldn't fit lol. I guess I could have changed it up a bit to make it fit, but yeah. the 'guiding' part i guess i saw at what he actually found IN hogwarts, like teachers, dumbledore etc. meh, like i say poetry is not my forte but thanks for such an excellent review and for taking the time to help me improve :-)