Well, hullo. Name's Michael, but you can call me Lupinpatronus. My first fic, Through the Eyes of the Werewolf, has been accepted! This story chronicles Lupin's view of his sixth year at Hogwarts. Check it out and review if you wish! I'd be ever-so-grateful.
To give a good summary of my HP background, I've been in the Harry Potter community since 1999. My favorite book thus far is "Prisoner of Azkaban", despite that "Half-Blood Prince" really is the best in the series. My favorite character is most definitely Remus Lupin. Great man, great man. Oh, and my room is filled to the brim with Harry Potter merchandise. It's a little scary, actually...
When it comes to fan fiction, I'm always looking for a good story (psh, aren't we all?). I've found most of my favorite fics by simply browsing at random. I've discovered that I enjoy well-written humor fics, Marauders-era fics, and high-quality, by-the-book fics. Oh, and I highly recommend the writings of a good friend of mine in real life who hangs out here. Her name's Natasha_Johnson in this virtual land. I very much admire her writing style, so take a peek at her stories if you have the time!. Of course, on occasion I'll read something a little more elaborate. After all, if we went by all the details the lovely Ms. Rowling has set, it would take the fun out of fan fiction, now wouldn't it?
As far as outside interests, I hang out at the local library and do volunteer work there, I participate in Youth Radio, a teen-focused radio show which is part of the local sect of NPR Radio, I'm hoping to one day become a voice actor, I love animated films (especially the works of Disney and Studio Ghibli), I like going bowling with my friends, and I'll soon be going to college (oh my goodness!).
And that's really all you need to know about me for now. Take care and happy trails, friend.
Very cute story, what a good start! Let's do praise first, as that's more practical:
The train ride gave off an atmosphere of comfort, friendship and enjoyment. That's always a good thing. Well done.
The characters seemed pretty much in the real of who they're supposed to be. I did notice, as the others before have said, that James was a little formal. However, though it may be a little beyond the cannon, it can't hurt to explore different sides of each character. Sirius and Lupin I liked.
Okay, now a bit of suggestions:
The story seemed to draw a lot from train experiences in "Sorcerer's Stone". I think the reflection is interesting, and I don't know if it was intentional or not, but it's a little too predictable. I'd suggest going beyond the norm with the train ride, or at least changing things that seem too similar to "Sorcerer's Stone" (such as Peter losing his toad or Sirius and James' dialogue on the train).
The dialogue was a little stiff at times, and at others more captivating. I especially liked when Bellatrix came in and the back-and-forth between her and Sirius. Stiff moments often occured between Sirius and James. Don't be afraid to liven up their dialogue. I found scenes like the wizard card trading to be particularly well written.
Well, good luck then. Keep up the great work, and congratulations on getting added and all that!
Author's Response: Thank you for the review Lupinpatronus! For the stiff dialogues I don't have any excuse, it's completely my fault. But the toad-incident was intentional. I wanted a parallel to Neville, in order to show later that Peter is not at all like Neville. Thank you again for taking the time to review.
Hey, I'm glad I decided to do the Badger Review Circle, 'cause I was lucky enough to stumble across this little gem. Usually I'm not one for dark/angsty fics, but this one certainly had a great setup. I was very impressed.
First of all, I absolutely loved how you paralleled Lily's death using Ginny and Perry. That was brilliant. I've seen a lot of similarities between Ginny and Harry's relationship and Lily and James'. I've always wondered if those similarities hold some kind of significance for the events of book seven, and you've done a great job taking that theory and fleshing it out. What I love best about what you did with this is that you had Ginny do something a little different than Lily; a nice twist to the expected path of fate.
The piece with Tom's return was certainly a surprise. I can't imagine that very many people reuse the 16-year-old Riddle in their stories as having returned from someone else's memory (I've never seen that before anyway). Very original, and if you continue the story I'd love to hear more background of how this occured.
Speaknig of which, I really think this fic has a lot of potential to be drawn out. I know you only planned it as a one-shot, but wow. There are so many places this could go. I'm especially interested in knowing where Ginny is planning to look for Harry and Ron.
The only part of your story that I was a little iffy about was the beginning with the lengthy list of deceased wizards. Although I think that was good for setting the tone of a dark/angsty fic, there was just something about it that seemed almost like overkill. However, your story's meant to be dark, so I won't say you should change it.
I found your writing style to be very differnt from other stories I've read. You tend to be pretty heavy on dialogue and narrated thought, and a little light on descriptive stuff. I thought that was nice for keeping the story moving, but at times it felt like I was reading a list of "Ginny did this, Tom did that... Ginny did this, and Tom did that." Maybe a little more description in certain places would eliminate that feeling. Of course, I may be the only person who feels that way.
I hope my more critical comments haven't irked you in any way, and instead helped out some. Naturally, of course, it's your story and so you have no obligations to alter it.
Overall, I think you did a great job with this one-shot. I hope someday you can come back to it and let these events unfold a bit more. I'd love to see where you can take this!
Author's Response: wow- what a great review! Like I said before, it will probably stay a one-shot for now, but you never know for later... as for the description, it is something that I\'ve been working on, so thanks for reminding me!
Author's Response: wow- what a great review! Like I said before, it will probably stay a one-shot for now, but you never know for later... as for the description, it is something that I\'ve been working on, so thanks for reminding me!
Wow, Leandra. That was way too adorable for words. I am VERY curious about those two additional chapters. Let's bother each other about our unfinished stories!
Seriously though, that was fabulous. I loved reading Sirius' thoughts about Artemis. "He noticed how nicely she filled out her shirt." OMG! That was hilariously risque. You're a hoot!
I liked Lupin too. He was charming as ever, even with his very few lines. I'm always on the lookout for a well-written Lupin, and you've certainly done him justice. I hope you feature him more, as I like how you portray him.
Nice job with Peter too. Again, few lines, but at least he's there. I found it interesting how you mentioned that Artemis didn't notice him when she came in the compartment. Nice, yet sad, little reflection on how people view Peter.
There were really only two grammatical issues I noticed. "But now, after being apart for the summer for the first time since they've known each other, he saw how much she grew up." That sentence sounded a bit odd, seeing as the rest of the paragraph was in the past tense. Might it sound better if you said, "But now, after being apart for the summer for the first time since THEY'D known each other, he saw how much she HAD GROWN." Not that you have to change that, but it's just a suggestion. And the other thing was that I think you missed a word: "Sirius looked up and saw that Lily Evans and James Potter joined them." Shouldn't it be "Lily Evans and James Potter HAD joined them"? Anyway, those were the only two things. Feel free to change them, or completely ignore this paragraph!
Fab story. Submit those next chapters. I want more. Seriously, you inspired me to write more of my Lupin story! Shame it's nearly midnight. I need to go to bed. Thanks for the amusing read, dear. I'm looking forward to more!
As with the other reviewers of this story, I should start off by saying, "Awww!" That was very adorable. I almost wish I'd read it before the holidays. It definitely has that holiday, gift-giving spirit in it that fits very well with the respective time of year.
I really liked the backgrounds you gave Ron and Hermione in this story. I especially liked that Hermione worked at a library. That seemed to fit her very well. You kept Ron and Hermione very well in character, and the additions you made for them were all the more captivating.
Here's just a few things I noticed. Whether you feel they need to be changed or not is really up to you. They're just suggestions of course. : )
1. In the first part you say that, "they still needed to buy a few more Christmas presents for their family and friends." However, you begin the next sentence by saying: "They had already bought things for their family," and then you proceed to say what Ron and Hermione bought for their family/friends. You may want to change that first sentence to make the following fit better.
2. You say the word "money" about four times in the first part. I just thought it was a bit much, but the second time I read it I didn't notice it so much. Still, a substitute word might be nice.
3. When Ron is hiding from Hermione he says to himself, "What was she doing here?" Shouldn't it be "What is she doing here?" Seeing as she's still there, and he just saw her, I thought that would make more sense.
Those were the only little things I noticed. Your ending, I should say, was spectacular and really had a nice message about Christmas and gift-giving in general. I think your dialogue for the character by the end of the story was at its best, and made the ending all the better. Great job! I'm glad I took a look at it.
Author's Response: Hi Michael *waves*
Thank you so much for your spifferific review! You did a great job, Lindsey is very happy. I will go back and change a few things some other time. Thank you so much for your compliments; you don\'t know what they mean to me when someone squees about my work! Te he, and I\'m glad that you took a look at it too. I should be \"taking a look\" at your chapter 2 sometime soon! Thanks for your lovely review! ~Lindsey :)
Yet another story that has proven to me that it's worthwhile to stop by the Badger Review Circle from time to time. This was absolutely amazing, and I'm simply shocked that there are not more reviews tacked onto this story!
First of all, you have an extremely impressive writing style. Your readers should admire it greatly. I was completely engrossed. You gave just the right balance of description and dialogue. Nothing felt overdone. I could practically see the graveyard, the cloaked figures, Dumbledore sinking to his knees. Perfect imagery.
At first, I found it hard to accept that Dumbledore was so powerless... but then I realized that if this were truly his nightmare, that's how things would be. And in such a weak state, his astonishing vocabulary and sentence structure would certainly be diminished. It took awhile for me to accept this, but you managed to convince me of the fact that he was just so weak that he was losing himself. Well done!
The overall concept and idea of your story; inspired! You clearly did some thoughtful reflecting to fully flesh-out this idea, and yet the premise was so basic. To be powerless in a situation where he must save those he loves... truly a nightmare for anyone, but an especially hard-hitting one for Dumbledore, who (I think) has a greater understanding of love than most. This story is riddled with some nice symbolism, I loved it!
I was rendered speechless as some of the most loveable characters in the series were knocked off one by one. The way you pulled off their deaths in such a quick fashion was really well done. I was especially impressed that the body count didn't come off as sounding like a list. I thought the deaths were nicely balanced with the developing feelings from Dumbledore's perspective.
Speaking of, the way you conveyed feelings here was really amazing. I was especially touched by the following passage:
"He dropped to his knees at Voldemort’s feet, sobbing, as his love-filled heart was broken over and over again. His compassion, his kindness fell victim to Voldemort’s abuse and manipulation."
Very good description. You've managed to make very complicated emotions accessible to your reader. To make someone understand Dumbledore's feelings throughout this was, I imagine, very difficult. Death is not an easy subject to tackle, but you managed it with grace.
Interpolating Harry's dialogue from Half Blood Prince was a fabulous addition to the story. It added the extra punch to the extremely dramatic moments, and helped fit your one-shot in nicely with its corresponding moment from the original text. I practically accepted this as canon as I read it! You truly convinced me that there is nothing else Dumbledore could have seen the moment that this all was happening.
You know what is truly impressive? I only noticed one typo in your story! You, my friend, have a very good beta. Just a missing period below, the location of which I've noted below:
"Dumbledore raised his wand, hating himself for what he was about to do, and muttered the dreaded curse The flash of green light hit Harry"
It's between "curse" and "The" that the period seems to have disappeared. But that's all I saw! I'm sure that can be fixed up with ease.
I can honestly say that I would be surprised if you do not win the challenge. I know that is probably not fair for me to say, as I have not read the other entries, but I would still be shocked regardless. This is a great example of a one-shot at its best. Congrats on truly exploring the mind of our favorite headmaster in his last moments. I believe this story will be going in my favorites!
Author's Response: Wow...and now I am speechless. Your review is absolutely amazing. Thank you so much for your compliments. I am thrilled and honored to have written a story that has made it onto your favorites list. Thank you, thank you, thank you!