I'm Tom. I used to be on the forums but while I was away some sort of hack involving my account happened and I've since been happened. There's an extreme outside chance I might update An Insider's View, but I wouldn't hold your breath.
Excellent as always. (Now tries to find something to constructively criticise)
Ah. I don't think Maeve would call Dumbledore Albus that quickly, especially since the last time in over a decade that she's seen him he was her headmaster. And you jumped between Dumbledore and Mcgonnagall referring to Snape and Severus a bit. That's all I could find.
Author's Response: Thanks CCCC. Now that I am done with my first edits on all the chapters I am working my way back and picking up things like this.
Me again, me and my numerical system that I've stolen from someone, ah well.
1.hmm, A new vindictive side to Maeve, one that I wouldn't have expected, I wonder if she will be reprimanded as Moody was; she really is very defensive of Remus, and if she wasn't fated for Snape I'd be speculating whether that was a hint of a more romantic relationship.(btw, was the word "ferreting" deliberately used right after, or was it coincidence?)
2.Harry seems much more humble than we've previously seen (no comment, just an observation).
3. Firenze seems less aloof, than normal, I wonder if his continuing exile fromt the centaurs is making him feel, a bit lonely, perhaps desiring top interact with people a bit more (or am I speculating down the wrong track?)
4.tee hee, I really loved this idea, A painting on a diet (that's probably rather mean of me really, if she can't lose weight (which I'm assuming she can't) then that would be terribly depressing for her))
5.Ah, one of your cliffhangers, Ashwinder complains about, I can see why, it's extremely annoying. Dare I wonder if it's a certain Malachy Meany? I've been wondering where he's disappeared to, or am I once again, running down the wrong track?.
Which side of the ratings argument are you on? If you support them, I gave you a 10, naturally, if you don't, then I just left it on the default rating :). Well Done (again).
Author's Response: I'm usually on the default side but in this instance I'll say I'm in support of them! Thanks for another great list of things to think about. :-)
Maeve, I am really most annoyed with you. First of all you write really long chapters, and then you make them really good ones, it's a right b**ger to con crit ;)
OK, I'll get all the minute con-crit I can fit in out of the way first, then I'll wax lyrical about it's excellencies.
1."still alive to consult but she wasn’t so"
needs a comma before but (I did say minute)
2."accept with that." Either lose the "with" or change it to "come to terms with that".
3."as the calm before the storm." I think you need quotation marks around the-storm.
Yes, I know I'm being picky, but if I only tried to crit characterisation and plot I wouldn't have a review other than "Great".
4. When you say "when she'd left Hogwarts" I think you meant when she left school (I am remembering right that she went to a private school am I? Or is it a part-time job)
5. I don't think Draco would say Voldemort outright, I think he says "The Dark Lord" at the end of OotP.
6. Hmmm, 6 is my iffy one, but I'm not sure that Narcissa would be so openly prejudiced in a bookstore, but that's an iffy matter of opinion, and I'll trust yours.
7. If Remus thinks it's Harry under an invisibility cloak, I'm sure he could think of a way to find out, he might not bother, but I'm sure he'd have a way.
8, I don't have an 8. Look it was Great, you hear me, Bloomin, soddin, great. Quite possibly the best chapter I've read,(but you've got a lot more chapters, haven't you.)
Author's Response: Awww...don't be annoyed, Tom! LOL Scribbles on her ever growing list of things to changes on edit! Thanks again for such comprehensive reviews....they really do help.
Okay, The numerical system again.
1. Percy, I felt, was ever so slightly over-egged, not much, but just slightly over-done, he's pompous, but not stupid.
2.Comparing Harry with Snape, an unusual idea, but one with merit, very interesting.
3.I don't think Snape says Voldemort, he might have changed but up until the end of OotP he says "The Dark Lord".
4.I'm running out of points and it's getting late. So I'll just say that Snape et al are completely IC and I am on tenterhooks as to what happened in the past and what will happen.
Author's Response: You're right, of course, about Snape and Voldemort. It's something i realised and changed in the latter chapters and it's something that will have to be changed on edit in the earlier ones.
I'm going to stop saying "me again", I'll take a wild guess and say you're capable of reading the username next to the review (assuming you aren't too busy writing) 1.I see you've left the cliff hanger unresolved, hmm, interesting. 2.I think you've missed out a quotation mark or two around the pamphlets, (I'm guessing that "What every Witch....." and "How to distract Dementors" are two different ones rather than one with a very long title). 3. I don't think there would be as much sexism towards Amelia as there would be here, since Dilys Derwent was MfM in something like 1700 I think the wizarding community is much further ahead in matters of equality, but on the other hand I can see the older pure-blood families having more traditional views.
4. hmmm, Can Grawp fit into Hagrid's cabin? he's apparently much bigger than Hagrid and he seems to fill the space very easily.
5.As I think I mentioned in my last review I'm surprised that Maeve is not even rebuked for her "demonstration" on Malfoy, I doubt he'd keep to quiet about it, and would probably have at least told his mother, and maybe complained directly to DD, and while DD may like Maeve I think he'd be just enough to at least mention it to her, even with amusement.
Two cliffhangers going on at once? No wonder Ash complains, mind you, it's so well written that I really don't mind them.
Author's Response: Thanks for the reviews, Tom...I guess me nagging at you in chats worked! I am making a lovely long list of all your suggestions to be used when I start the big edit of this fic just as soon as I am through with the last chapter. most of your points are extremely valid and will be actioned. The issue with the quotation marks is caused by me being to lazy to put the correct codes in to make it italicised. Another thing that will be fixed on edit. Thanks again...you're a smashing reviewer!
Ok, take all the gushing compliments as read (they'd take too long to write), but I have a few ?'s over certain events.
Firstly, where and when did Maeve learn to drive (an odd attribute for aa pure-blood) and why does Remus just accept what is an extremely odd skill, I'd say it deserves a passing remark at least.
Secondly, why is Trelawney out of Hogwarts? From DD's reaction to her almost leaving in OotP I don't see him just letting her wander off each summer. Oh and it's Sybill not Sybil.
Otherwise excellent (as usual)
Author's Response: I will put a few lines in about her learning to drive, there is an explanation and it's to do with her father. Will check my Sybills..i never noticed it was two l's before. And Sybill, I've already answered this elsewhere but I'll give it a go again. I think she was kept at Hogwarts by Dumbledore because she wanted to stay there. I don't think she is prohibited from leaving and I can just imagine her taking a Divination style holiday... perhaps a mind-reading fortnight in the Swiss Alps?? :-)
A really original idea and actually quite believable.
Excellent
Author's Response: i'm glad you liked it. thanx so much for the reivew.
Nice idea (I agree about splitting the text up a bit) but a decent opening chapter. ALL you have to do now is to develop it in the next chapter
I really like the story but what happened to Rule 3?
Author's Response: Er... yes, I know. Rule 3 was accidentally deleted, I suppose. It's back up now, sorry for the inconvenience. Thanks a lot!
xo annie
REALLY liked the story. Just one question:
Booger?
Author's Response: i think it sounds funny, lol
I'm confused. btw shouldn't this be in the humour section?
Hi
Author's Response: Aloha...Peace Out!!
Well I'm struggling to add anything to the "essay" below. I think you've done well to capture the style of their thoughts but I don't like "pet peeves". It just really stuck out to me and didn't seem right somehow. Also "Richard may be a welcome for a great time" didn't make sense to me, I just didn't understand what you were trying to say. But I like Isabelle's slightly sarcastic remarks to herself, it seemed very natural
(Not much criticism, constructive or not I'm afraid, but I'll get better I hope.)
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! It\'s very appreciated!
Again excellent. The opening description with Sirius' note was probably the best part, it seemed so "real". Two small points, Richard would have apparated into her flat not disapparated, and she would have led him into the bedroom not lead. That's all the criticism I could find. So good.
I really like the style of your writing, its different from most people's style of writing, in places it actually seems similar to Douglas Adams (and from me that's high praise indeed).
Some people might say that Remus is OOC since he appears to be more forward/confident than in the books but since we've never seen him in this sort of situation. A couple of small points, I think you've misused "ascertain(ed)" it means "to find out" not "to decide" as I think you meant it to mean. And as a Greetting in the UK "Hullo" is spelt "Hello". "Hullo has a slightly different meaning. But overall I really enjoyed it.
Author's Response: Thank for this wonderful review, CCCC, and for pointing out misused words, and such. I'll go fix those. Hmm... Douglas Adams... I've been meaning to read one of his books. Thanks for the compliment. It's greatly appreciated.
Firstly I enjoyed it. You're strength (as ever) is your description of Remus' thoughts. However (as Vader said) you're physical descriptions aren't very detailed. Secondly, I'd doubt that many businesses would advertise "NO Werewolves" just seemed a bit to blatant to me, but I might be wrong. I also ummed and arred a bit over the "piece of work line" seemed slightly un-Remusish. But you're probably a better judge of Remus than I am.
Author's Response: LOL, thanks for the review! Yes, my physical descriptions need a bit of work, but I\'m slowly getting there.
Oh dear. For the second time I am reduced to criticising minor things, it's dificult this constructive criticism lark.
Oh well, minor:
Didn't really understand what Isabelle meant by "stand up back up".
I think the "like a bunch of second years" remark would fit an adult Education course, I had to think for a bit to realise what you meant, and it seemed too out of place almost.
Lastly: I didn't really like her omitting werewolf twice, seemed a bit contrived. Could she just say ministry instead of
-----Registry.
I'd say how excellent it was, but it'd take too long.
Author's Response: Yes, it was silly of me at some points, but I have edited the chapter, and I hope it\'s a tad better to understand than before.
Thanks for the review!
Firstly, I enjoyed it. Mainly for the way it flows, it drew me in and I was just pulled along until I suddenly realise it's the end. I particularly liked Starrpynski's (interesting name) business card at the end.
Ok enough compliments now I'm going to be picky. When you say "drag his name" it's unclear whether it's Fudge's name or Remus' use a name. And when he says "hell-o" I get a vision of him trying to say it in a "sexy" voice. (a sort of Hellll-ooo.) I'd advise (sounding unintentionally superior) making him say "hi" or "h-hello just to avoid confusion. I really enjoyed it though (and good luck on avoiding misspelling Starrpynski).
Author's Response: LOL, I have her last name ingrained in my skull, it seems, so I don\'t believe I\'ll have too much trouble spelling it (and I\'ve added it to word\'s dictionary). Thank for those nitpicks, and I do see your point. I have fixed those to make it clearer. Thanks for the review!
Like the story keep it up. (btw tiny! point. try not to repeat a word even if it looks good eg nutters)
Ok but more description needed.
Also try and avoid Americanisms like semester.
Otherwise pretty good.
Author's Response: Thanks, thats really nice. i'll take your advice, thanks for reading!