I'm Tom. I used to be on the forums but while I was away some sort of hack involving my account happened and I've since been happened. There's an extreme outside chance I might update An Insider's View, but I wouldn't hold your breath.
ok, here I am, reviewing, judging, battling logout bugs etc.
Hmm, free style, so I can't really criticise on meter, punctuation etc, ah well I'm sure we can both live without that, (but I have to say that I agree with Vader, it mostly worked all right, except for a couple of places).
This is a great example, of the structure of the poem fitting the subject matter, the knight bus is haphazard and the poem really gives a good sense of that. As do some the rhymes, they almost fit, but don't quite, and with the meter moving around occasionally, the reader almost gets a sense of being hurled all over the country almost at random.
Well Done.
Right, here I am, take that logout bug!
Right, down to business:
1)The first thing I notice about this poem is that it "feels right" you can imagine the maurauders writing something in this style.
2)I have to agree with Vader on the flow though, it does get a bit jerky and though you don't need to re-read it to understand it, you do lose some of the pleasure in reading it.
3)Small point, in the UK it's Maurauder, not marauder.
Overall, I really enjoyed it, it's unashamedly amusing and insulting. Fun to read (and I'd guess to write) Well Done.
Ok, here I am.
1.Ooooh, Remus' blood aswell, interesting I wonder why.
2.I like Peter's self-loathing, the way he hates himself, lowering his self-esteem meaning he feels even less able to break away from *glances left and right* "You-know-who" meaning he hates himself even more, a lovely little circle (don't you just love these sort of cycles :D)
ah, no!, phew, nearly lost the review then. *sighs*
3.ooh, we have some time jumps as well, and thoguht streaming, more and more features well integrated into the story, I'm almost overcome with impressedness
4.hmm, since we don't know how religion comes into the Harry Potter, so I'd slightly question the phrase "meet his maker", but that's extremely minor (and depending on Peter's blood-status, which I've conveniently forgotten, he might have picked it up from the muggle world.
5.He justifies himself very well, very convincing, and there's a lovely bit of irony at the end, of what might have been, picky goit, too dirty I mean really!:p
Oh dear I'm going to have to avoid your one-shots in future Kal, they're depressingly good, and if I ever get round to these characters, I'm going to have to struggle for originality, as well as trying to match the quality shown here.
Ok, there's my praise, a bit of con crit, and the end of my compulsory review. Yay. But I've got an exam now, so wish me, luck.
Tom
Author's Response: Well thanks for your review, Tom. I had a hard time understanding it in places, I must admit, but I'm glad you think it's good. :) Good luck with the Exams.
Here I am, this is the centaur poem right? ;p
The summary, I think it should be centaurian instead of centurian.
Right, since I'm doing this as one of Vader's judges I'm going to concentrate on the poem :). So here goes.
1)Firstly, it's obvious that this isn't going to appeal to a wide range of people, but that doesn't necessarily detract from it.
2)It doesn't really feel very poemy, to be honest, much more prose-like, but epicpoems often are.
3)I think it needed some more punctuation, You've got alot of lines and stanzas, but not a single full stop, and even poems require these.
Overall. my response would be "intriguing", it's not your normal poem, hmmm , *sigh* I'm going to have to think long and hard about my rating for this one.
Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing. Yes I am aware that it isn't out for mass appeal, but I didn't think a centaurian epic poem would be. I can't really imagin witches and wizards at their local coffee shop listening to it. Punctuation is my failing, so I wont argue with you there. I hope "intriguing" isn't a bad thing, this was definately more difficult for me to write then other poems I've written.
Requiem
Firstly, the gushing praise, and this poem deserves a lot of it. There is a great mystery in it, not only the mystery of whom the character is, but also about the conflict she's going through.
The structure is generally very good, and unqiue with the single lines, that really give the poem a standout quality; there are the one or two verses with irregular lengths, but they don't really disturb the reader's rhythm.
Overall, excellent. (btw, are you going to open some sort of betting thing on who the character is? 'twould be fun:D).
In Silence
Right, poem 2.
In many ways this really is the sister poem to the one above, it's written with the same style, and some of the same mystery (although I'd be slightly more confident about picking the character on this one). You've even got the variating stanza lengths, which for some perverse reason, actually work, since they accentuate the emotions of Harry, (either that or I'm overanalysing, which wouldn't surprise me.)
Well Done.
Author's Response: "You've even got the variating stanza lengths, which for some perverse reason, actually work, since they accentuate the emotions of Harry..." I simply loved this part of your review. I'd be rambling for hours if I fully explained why, but suffice it to say that you hit the nail on the head. Thank you. Also, I agree with "In Silence" being a sort of sister poem to "Requiem". Very good catch on your part. I'm THRILLED that you enjoyed these. I've always been incredibly reluctant to show my writing, but I couldn't be happier with how it's being received, now that I'm starting to come out of my shell. Thanks for helping that process along. You, along with Vader and Orlaith, have truly made my day.
Right, here I am, reviewing late as usual, but if I miss this time I expect mj will either crucify me, or turn me over to Lex and Jenna for some more inventive cruelty.
1. Ah, one of these new-fangled moralistic intelligent stories (yes, I'm afraid I'm as sarcastically odd in reviewing as in chatting, so take nothing I say seriously). But it is a sensitive subject that seems to have been done well (at a preliminary glance) now on to nit-picking.
2. Now, I think you have many comma problems, you've completely misused them... sorry, don't know why I had to do that, I promise I'll do it properly now ;-)
3.Since I'm heartless and cold, I didn't make me cry, but it did move me a bit, I have to admit that I've never been hugely sympathetic to people with eating disorders, but now I do have some more, higher praise than that I can't think of.
4.I liked the use of the present tense in this fic, it worked very well in grabbing you and taking you along. But coupled with the 3rd person view, it keeps you at arms length, you feel that you are definitely an illicit observer of Parvati's thoughts, looking through a keyhole is the closest metaphor I can get to it.
5. Slight nit-pick, if they're coming home from Hogwarts, would they have a home made meal? If so how? (just out of interest, curry doesn't travel well at the best of times, and with an owl, well...).
6. You've done a good job of showing Parvati as powerless, even though it's her sister who is getting weaker, she feels bound to her and is therefore trapped.
7. I find it interesting (eg, I'm avoiding giving an opinion) that Parvati feels no bitterness at being trapped, she desires something else, but doesn't seem to lay any blame for it at Padma's door.
Overall, very very good. (especially for an obscenely helpful hufflepuff ;P
Author's Response: :: snorts :: Even when reviewing your comma use is mind boggling.
I'm glad you felt like you were watching through a keyhole. I was trying to show that Parvati feels like a puppet in a puppet show, with the reader as the audience. So some sense of that must have gotten through to you (if I correctly interpret what you wrote).
They aren't coming home from Hogwarts. They're at home. I know I wasn't explicit, but I'm saying they travelled by floo powder from Hogsmeade. The "now" in the story takes place on their second day home. I agree that curry does not travel well.No, Parvati doesn't blame Padma. It's very hard to blame someone so helpless and dependent. Parvati has to shut off her emotions when she's around Padma. I was trying to show how anorexia affects the people around an anorexic person as well as the anorexic person herself (or himself, in rare cases).
Firstly, I like the style of it in the form of a letter, very original, and putting it between OC's gives it a sense that these are events that are happening to everyone, not specifically them.
2. Back by Christmas, I'm studying WWI at the moment (not for the first time) so those words do have an added poignancy
3. So Aberforth was named after his father, why do I get a bad feeling it was in memory of him. Ah well...
4. Well Done on the subject matter, it's something that I've never seen done before, so originality is always welcome.
5.Have to finish this later, but well done
Author's Response: Thanks for the feedback! I really liked your story "An Insider's View"