Hmm...what do YOU want to know?
I'm pretty much a Malfoy fanatic. I got started in fan fic when my lil' sister started writing. That's how I found this site, actually.
Some things about me:
-spicy crunch salmon roll is my favorite food in the world.
-I could eat soybeans everyday for the rest of my life.
-I'm an up and coming opera star (yeah, in my dreams) but, I love to sing regardless, so I deserve my dreams! :p
-I have read Jeannette Walls' The Glass Castle 19 times.
If you have any questions, comments, concerns, and the like, drop me a note.
Then we can talk. :p Catch ya'lls later.
This is brilliantly done. Good descriptions, and just enough humor. I'm intrigued by Susan Jones and who/what she really is. I also enjoyed how Snape has reacted to the muggle world around him.
Author's Response: Again, I thank you graciously! Susan is an odd gal. I hope this story will have many levels of tone, including humour. Ah yes, who is Miss Jones? That is the major question at hand, so far.
I like the rapport between Snape and Susan. I'm dying to know who she really is! Good job.
Author's Response: Hold on. The question "who is Susan Jones" may take time to answer. Thank you very much for reading and leaving such well thought out reviews!
I too, have so many questions. This is brilliant. I can't wait to read more.
Author's Response: Thank you! I hope to give you more very soon.
This was quite funny and very cute. I liked it. Hermione's letter was very like her, IMO. I liked the way he thought of Hermione when dealing with Dudley and the gang. I, for one, don't have a problem with that. ;) I was laughing at Dudley's comment about Cedric. :D
The boys gave up too quickly...it WAS too easy. It made me read over Hermione's letter again, but I didn't find anything in there that the gang could use to their advantage. Quite a mystery.
Okay, now to the un-fun stuff...which there isn't much of, and it really doesn't take away from the story, but...
This sentence, "The four other boys stood as they had been when Piers shouted, spread out in a loose cluster on the street.", is a little akward. Maybe you could switch it around a little. I would put, "The four other boys stood spread out in a loose cluster on the street, as they had been when Piers shouted," or something like that.
This, "Then the anger came back, no longer hot and uncontrollable, but the low build of it in his stomach, cold and calculated.", I would make into two sentences, just because it would sound better. (I hope I'm not acting like you HAVE to take my suggestions, because you dont, I swear).
Anyway, another good chap!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Opinions are good. They’re always appreciated and never taken as absolute truth. I’ll take a look at your suggestions and see what I can do. An explanation of the boys’ behavior will appear in later chapters. Hermione’s letter didn’t have anything in it at all, which was lucky for Harry.
This was a great chapter. I loved your description of Sarah on the swing. She seems like such a nice kid, and you can feel what she's going through.
Your Harry is written well in this story, and getting better as you post more chapters. You can feel his dislike of Muggles, and maybe even people in general (as when he first sees Sarah he doesn't even want to be around her), but that is normal seeing as what he's already been through.
I also like the Hermione voice inside his head. Never a bad thing. ;)
Author's Response: People like Sarah! *glows with pride* And they don’t think I’m mad for my interpretation of Harry. I love you, my dear readers and reviewers. All of you. Especially SPEW. And I’ll be nice and not single you out too much, Linkster.
Well, I loved your characterization of Petunia, especially the neck thing. This is my first general fiction on this site, and I'm glad I checked it out. When Harry opened his letter I was nervous for him! LOL. I hated the feeling of getting my grades in the mail.
Good job so far.
Author's Response: I’m glad I made you emphasize with the character. Being told little things like that help me follow up with future chapters. I liked the line about Petunia’s neck too…if I do say so myself.
This was absolutely riveting. It brought tears to my eyes. Your potrayal of the father son relationship between Draco and Lucius was so poignant. Draco's desparation for Lucius' love was so sad...and then to have that man turn on him at the end...there really are no words.
I especially loved the first paragraph (which is how I came by your story, being the one line was in your signature on the beta boards).
This story is great!
Author's Response: Thanks you very much for your review. I am really glad that you liked my story and that it moved you. The first paragraph is the paragraph that started it all for me. It was a dribble I came up with during class, and my first bit of fanfic ever.
This chapter was so full of anxiety...I felt it for Draco and for his friends. Lucius is so evil...I loved that. You write him very well. What a horrible punishment for Draco.
The only thing I have to comment on is the fact that there was a sentence where you wrote, "the room was lighted up." That is slightly akward and maybe would sound better changed around a bit.
Other than that, this chapter was great.
Author's Response: I am glad you liked the chapter. It was a tough one for to write since I got very stuck on it. I am still not happy with the end result but I am glad you found Lucius and the punishment suiting. Thanks for the language remark and for reviewing!
Author's Response: I am glad you liked the chapter. It was a tough one for to write since I got very stuck on it. I am still not happy with the end result but I am glad you found Lucius and the punishment suiting. Thanks for the language remark and for reviewing!
For some reason...the saddest thing for me was when you wrote about Ginny chasing after Ron to retain her teddy bear...it brought tears to my eyes.
But I'm a bit confused.
I'm not getting the time frame of this story. Is this scene with Ron thinking about his dead sister after her being tortured? Or did they take her body from the attack, and then put her in a cell?
Anyway, very touching, sad, and I can't wait to read more.
Author's Response: Thank you very much for reviewing. I am glad that it moved you, especially such a normal scene, one you probably experienced yourself a long time ago. As for the time frame. This chapter takes place three months after teh prologue, while the prologue takes place three days after the flashback in this chapter. The chronological event would be the day in Hogsmeade, Ginny in her cell and then Ron's visit to the graveyard. I hope that makes a bit of sense. Thanks again!
How sad was that?? It was really, really well written. You can feel Ginny's hopelessness...it makes you want to cry. (Well, me at least.) You are really good at dark fic for sure. I can't wait till you write your Draco chap. :)
The only thing that I have to comment on is that a few more spaces between paragraphs would make it easier to read for me at least. My eyes cross easily. Other than that, it's great.
Author's Response: Thanks for you review. I am glad you like it so far and think it is sad. This chapter is certainly one of the darker ones. Draco's chapter will come along shortly. I space my paragraphs this way because it comes out better like this. I use weird sentences when it comes to grammar and structure and on its own they could be very confusing and tiring. Thanks you very much!
I like this! Especially how you're developing it into a real mystery. Now I want to read more and there's no chapters left to read!! The descriptions again, are really well done. And I love the relationship that Hermione and Ron have in your story. I can't wait to find out what happens and who Ted is. Good job!!
Very good, very good. I love Hermione and Ron when they talk to each other. It's so well written. And that's horrible about the book! Poor Ron. I can't wait to find out more about Ron's cousin. So far this is quite interesting. Looking forward to reading more.
Author's Response: Lol, thank you very much! I'm going to update soon (I hope, don't quote me on that). Thank you--it makes me happy to know someone wants to keep reading :)
I like your style of writing, it keeps me reading. Your description at the beginning while they are cleaning the library was very detailed-I could see it. Good job. And I like how Ron brushed Hermione's hair out of her face..cute. Not that it matters, but anyway...I also like the new character..she seems misunderstood and kind of moody, but definately someone I'd like to read more about. Interesting how Ron has a mugglborn relative too. I like this story so far. :)
Author's Response: I didn't actually make up the Muggleborn relative. You know the cousin who's an accountant? Apparently, JKR had plans for bringing his daughter into the story, but later decided against it and replaced her with Rita Skeeter, lol. I'm really glad you liked it, thank you for the wonderful compliments!
What a story you weave...especially at the beginning! Very nice...the insults especially...each one being just as creative as the last. I think the description of Harry as suave was quite funny...and then the description of Ron as not-so-suave even more amusing.
I like this...good job. :)
Author's Response: Lol, someone else followed my train of thought on that joke...I'm very glad you liked it, thanks so much for your great review =).
I really liked this because it had Draco in it...but moreso because I didn't think that Hermione could be written as a hypocrite. Who knew? I have never thought about Hermione's reasoning behind SPEW, and they way you wrote it makes me think differently about her reasoning. Really good...it made me look at Draco in a better light than Hermione, which is usually difficult.
Fantastic! What a way to rationalize and almost justify the behavior of Bellatrix or any other Death Eater. An experience like what she saw through the diary would definately shape the ideas and thoughts of an eleven year old girl. I almost feel for her when I read that chapter.
Good job.
Author's Response: Almost? Nooooo, I've failed.
Ah well, I'm glad you liked it at least. ;)
Getting better as it goes along...Wow...Hermione likes Harry, and Ron is so into Hermione...that would be an interesting triangle indeed. Seems like everyone is after someone they can't have, LOL. I only have one comment. This sentence: 'Harry felt a pit in his stomach,' is confusing. I didn't understand it, but maybe it's just me. Otherwise, good job.
This is interesting, because it's got so many different viewpoints all introduced towards the beginning. I liked Ron's fantasy about Hermione, and the whole thing with Draco and the dartboard was really funny. You set up Ginny's letter well enough to make someone want to read further to find out what's going to happen.
Now onto critique...you jump fairly often between present and past tense. Nothing wrong with either, but it is preferable that you stick with either or.
For example (and I'm just using the one towards the end):
"As Ginny sat down in her wooden desk chair, it quietly creaked from age. She unfolded the letter and scans it over again."
The word "scans" would work if the beginning of the sentence was in present tense...in your case, I would use "scanned".
Anyway, this is something that doesn't take too much away from the story, but you should take a look at it anyway. Other than that, it's a really good story.
Author's Response: I am so happy that you liked the Draco part because I know that is your expertise. About the past/present tense. I know I am terrible with it, but I just can't get it. Also part of the problem is it was originally in present, but I switched it to past. Thanks for the review!
Very well done, and quite creative. I never would have guessed that the cat was Minerva. I guess the only thing I would add would be that I'm not sure that Harry would be quite as compliant as you wrote him. I would think he would have argued and not been as submissive.
I also like the Harry/Ginny factor in this story though I usually don't like her with Harry at all...there's just enough in this story to not make me sick. ;)
The only thing I caught was this: "Dursley’s at on Privet Drive." I think that's either "at" or "on"...not both. ;)
Good job, I liked this chapter a lot.
Author's Response: Thanks for the great review! I will be sure to change the factor. I hope to get Chapter 4 up soon!
This was good. Again, I like how you jump around from plotline to plotline..it keeps things interesting. Is Harry slightly interested in Ginny, or is that just me?
One thing that I thought perhaps you could elaborate on is the fact that Draco's interest in Ginny seems so out of left field. There is no evidence or reasoning in his interest, and I, for one, would love to see why he is interested in her. However, I did love Ginny's letter to Draco, and his reaction. Too funny. Good job.
Now...in the letter Harry wrote to Hermione, this part...but I am where talked about...you need to put in a "we". I'm also not sure why you have some words capitalized and others not. Maybe that is significant, but I don't get it. ;)
Here...“Mum would never let me go flying and have to practice because I want to try out for Chaser this year."...you need the word "I" in that sentence.
This sentence..."She wanted to comfort him, in his time of pain, or did she really like him."...is very akward. Try something like, "Did she really just want to comfort him in his time of pain, or did she really like him?" That way it make it seem like she's slightly uncertain about her feelings for Harry, which is what I think you're trying to get at.
Author's Response: I am happy you like it! Harry is interested in Ginny and we will see that more in upcoming chapters. For Draco liking Ginny. I know it is in left field, but sometimes people just like people and they don't know why. Thanks for the little grammar corrections. I will be sure to fix them ASAP.