Ah! The link finally works! Yay!

Oh.. time travel and the maze it weaves... "the flaw in her plan". I can't wait to see how you unravel all this!!

Having just spent the better part of the last few days reading your intriguing story, I thought I'd share my thoughts with you.

First, I congratulate you on coming up with a unique and engaging plot! I actually didn't read the summary, so I had the chance to have the "collapse of magic" plot sneak up on me. I love all things related to the 'history of magic' so this was loads of fun to take in your version!

Favorite chapters: the very first one and the one where the magic, in fact, collapses. Both were simply written, yet were powerfully engaging, drawing the reader into the moment and evoking strong feelings.

I also liked the 'date from hell' scene with Fred and Patty. Just cute and funny.

Favorite character: Percy. Why? Because you let him draw us into his character without alot of narrative explanation. I could see him clearly as 'Stinky' and was moved by his need to confide in and develop a relationship with Peter. His scenes in 'the other world' with Snape were wonderfully moving. I loved how you have them counting and playing games. It was odd, yet it felt completely appropriate. And I was very, very moved by the simplicity of his death. Well done. Well done.

And now, because you deserve ALL sides of a review, my constructive (I hope) criticism!

1.Always Stick to the Plot: you have a WONDERFUL plot. The problem is, is doesn't start till around chapter 15 - or whichever chapter the auror stuns Percy in the forest. It isn't until then the engine of your plot takes off. Other than the opening few chapters, where Harry is waking up with Ginny's help, I can't recall much of what happens. That is because most of what you have occurring prior to that time doesn't serve the plot. Or it doesn't appear to. I totally missed the part where the Harry killing LV actually triggers the magic collapse - or contributes to it. You may have it in there - or have it explained to us at some point, but it is buried amidst so much else that you''ve written.

Rule of thumb is that all action, directly or suggested, should somehow move the plot forward. Even a teensy bit. Anything else is filler.

2. Characters have to earn what happens to them: by this I mean that if something happens to a character, you need to have built it into the action and what occurs to them previously. You make it work wonderfully with Ginny and Percy. Ginny earns what happens with her success with Rebecca because of how you show us what occured to her in the final battle, her teachings with the Healer and her experiences helping Harry. Percy I've explained already. It doesn't work with Hermione or, I hate to say, with Harry. You give Hermione this side story about her becoming pregnant, having drinking problems and her miscarriage: but it seems to come out of no where. Even her alienation from her parents seems unmotivated. There was nothing before this confrontation that led to this break up. None of these 'events' supports or con tributes to either the plot or her character development. The same is true with Harry. We 'hear' about how he's depressed, but he never acts in any way that seems totally normal. It came as a surprise way late in the story that he had 'repressed' the final battle scene. He neither acts out or seems terribly out of sorts, even when he asks to get his memory back.

3. Less is More and Show don't Tell: OK.. I want you to go through the story and COUNT how many times you tell us characters go to the loo. Then I want you to justify why we need to know this at all. This has nothing to do with being squirmy with bodily functions. Hermione tossing her cookies after drowing her sorrows in drink is appropriate. But, really, why do we care and how does this information contribute to the flow of your story??? The worst chapter is the one where we have to follow Harry on his daily schedule. Nothing he does in that chapter contributes to the development of the plot or his character in any way. I love JKR (obviously!) BUT it is her greatest writing flaw to wait for the FINAL EXPLANATION at THE VERY END to let us in on how it all fits together. It is always much,much stronger to reveal what is going on through plot action, character behavior and interactions rather than explanation. Always. Every time. What works about the Snape/Percy sequence is that you DON'T explain it! It just happens and tells us so much as a result. So, go through your story and count how many 'stories' the characters tell us so that we can move on to the next part. OK -- I'll buy the Merlin stories. But the myriad other Explanatory Sequences could be much stronger if they were revealed in other ways.

An example is the 'children of Merlin' sequence. I love when we see them with Minerva and fake-Albus. It's such a GREAT idea to make them the founders!! Could we not have seen them together earlier and have it revealed -- through them -- who they are?

4.Don't have your final climactic scene offstage! OK... I squirmed a bit at Vampire!Scrimgeour. Although that Luna was right was a bit of a giggle. Anyway, I'll let that go. So you have a GREAT suspenseful cliffie where Ginny escapes the long-toothed one! They can't get to him! How will the stop him>! It is such a let down that he just dissolves into sand. And we find out about it in a phone call!! THEENDITSOVER. Huh? Seems like a...dare I say...cop out? (Oh.. and while we're at it... when does Harry get a cell phone? Where does he charge it?)

I'm sure there is more, but this is probably WAY more than you wanted to hear!

I just want to reiterate that, despite the con crit, you have a really, really strong foundation in this story. Just go and hire Liam -- or a good editor -- to help you sharpen it up!!

Thanks for a fun read!

starmom

I'm really intrigued by the idea of "threads" and the evolution of magic. I find myself, however, squirming at the idea that the display of natural traits may consign one to be 'evil' or 'good'. Unless you are throwing out canon in this story, it seems to violate the premise of 'choice' in determining the path one follows. Both Tom Riddle and Harry Potter share similar traits and backgrounds, but it was, as Dumbledore put it, their choices that determines who they are, not their abilities. How do you reconcile that?

I've just stumbled across this story and am delighted to have found my way here!

SS/HG is NOT an easy pairing to write and harder yet to find a scenario that hasn't been overdone. I think you are on the right track with both! He isn't 'succumbing' to he proximity too quickly and you have managed to hold onto your plot at the same time.

I look forward to more!

Author's Response: Starmom, it is always a pleasure to have a fresh view on my work. I truly am my own worst critic, and this is what I am most critical about. So to have someone come in that hasn\'t been following the story and validate ten chapters of work is very gratifying. Thank you for taking the time to not only read it, but to review it as well. I will look forward to more of your reviews to come. Thank you. ~woomama

Hehe.. I love the idea of having the Sorting Hat as the narrator. I'm sure it loves having a chance to really strut it's stuff!

Author's Response: Oh, doesn\'t it? xD IThanks for the review - much appreciated!
~Juliet

Trust and Betrayal

This was a haunting story, well told! Narcissa is caught in this terrible web with no way out: damned if she does, damned if she doesn't.

Thanks!
starmom

Author's Response: First, congrats to everyone who finished this challenge! I have yet to work my way through the stories, but the ones I have read have been incredible. This was a great prompt, and I\'m glad that my humble little musings on Narcissa\'s testings were appriciated!

You've captured Ginny's struggle so well and her 'confession' and 'renewel' so apt for the location!

I do worry for Fred & George though... hehehe

starmom

Author's Response: Thank!! I was always afraid I had exaggerated Ginny\'s feelings (after all, there wasn\'t much about how she coped with all that in the books), but your review has just my mind at ease... ;o)