Ooh, very dark! I thought this line was brilliant: "In Apathy's most torpid thrall." Awesome! Great connection to the first book - good luck in the challenge!! ~Gina :)

Author's Response: Thanks very much, I\'m glad the mood came out well. Good luck to you, too!

Wonderful job!
The changes you've made from the original really polish it up. First of all, it flows very well; you've done a great job going back and forth between the action and Percy's thoughts and memories in a way that isn't ever abrupt, and still gives us plenty of information, all of which relates to what's going on in the story.
I love what you've done with Percy, making him an informant for Dumbledore. I think I might just be disappointed now if this doesn't turn out to be one of the surprises of Book Seven! You did a great job with his character, allowing us glimpses into both his thoughts and actions that really flesh him out and make him a far more sympathetic character than JKR has done (so far!)
I also still love the bit with the elephant. =)
I think the way you've tweaked the end works really well: Percy doesn't do as much explaining, but it all comes together perfectly for his family to accept him back. Adding the bit about Ron and Ginny at the end keeps it real: not everyone forgives and forgets so easily, but they will come around, like you said.
This was a wonderful story, very well planned and well written. Good luck in the challenge!!
~Gina :)

Author's Response: Thank you! I\'m really glad you got to see the finished version. I\'m glad you liked the changes I made, and also thank you very much for the luck! You were very helpful with this story.

Nice job! The first stanza does a wonderful job of setting a dark scene. I think the refrain is great and some of the imagery is fantastic, ie: "Blood flowed freely, painted all skin." Creepy!
The only thing that jumped out at me was the word "mirth" in the third stanza: it didn't seem to fit the overall feeling of darkness and sadness of the poem. The next line talks about "joy hidden" so maybe there is a way to tweak the line with "mirth" to continue the sense of loss and sorrow you've set up since the beginning. If you wanted to really knock the reader over the head with sadness, you could try:
"Their sorrow growing deep within,
As memories keep joy hidden."
That's quite sad, though, and perhaps you want that bit of hope with the word "pride," which I could definitely see. In which case, you could just find another word for "mirth" or add a different idea to the line to keep the rhythm. But those are just one reader's suggestions, and it's just one line! :) Overall, I thought you did a great job with your rhyme and rhythm and the general feeling of this poem - good luck in the challenge!!
~Gina :)

Author's Response: Thanks for the long and very well-thought-out review! I\'m glad you thought it was dark, since it was meant to be so. The last stanza was suppposed to be lighter, which is why I included mirth, because if Voldemort really was gone, the wizarding world would be very happy, as we saw at the beginning of PS/SS. So you were right, I put pride and mirth in there to show that even after the dark times, there would still be hope and hapiness to come. Although I admit that the end is still quite sad, so maybe mirth may look out of place. Thanks again for the constructive criticism! ^_~

Nice job! You definitely captured the dark creepiness of Azkaban with your words and images. I especially liked: "Despair and heartbreak is the tune
these tortured souls are forced to keep." Good luck in the challenge!! ~Gina :)

Author's Response: Thank you very much! Thanks so much for the review! 8)

Ashley! I *love* it! This is just a beautiful story, and you've done a fantastic job with the writing of it.
I loved how you added a rabbit family living in the yard, for it really strengthens Luna's connection to her Patronus. You did a great job in creating a beautiful portrait of her mother in such a short story, she's wonderful. And you did an amazing job bringing Luna's dreaminess down to her six year old self.
The final paragraph is absolutely touching and really wraps up the story wonderfully, making a heartwarming connection between Luna, her mother, and her Patronus perfectly. This is such a sweet story, wonderful job! I'm so glad you decided to give it a go. I'm also glad I got to help out, it was a pleasure.
Good luck in the challenge! Go Ravenclaw!
~Gina :)

Author's Response: Thank you, Gina! I really owe credit to you for inspiring my basis for this story, and you\'re so right about the bunny family! Muchas gracias for the idea~ I\'m so glad you like the end product.:D *squishes* Rah Rah Ravenclaw! ~Ashley

Hi Jan!
I really like this! I love the way you worked Lily and the Resurrection Stone into Snape's brief sojourn after death. And I really like that Lily forgave him and still loved him, though not in a romantic way. You've written a very touching piece that still kept the Snape-edge. It really does give the reader a bit of closure after DH - great job!
~Gina :)

Aww, poor Ron! I'm so glad you are writing these missing moments from when Ron left Harry and Hermione. I couldn't believe he did, and yet in the end it made sense. I'm looking forward to reading what he did in those weeks.
I like how you wrote this from Ron's POV because it gives us a really deep look into his thoughts. I already feel bad for him.
I can't wait to see what you do with the Deluminator, because frankly that really confused me!
Nice start and good luck as you continue!
~Gina :)

Author's Response: It really upset me when he left, but from a story and character standpoint, I understood why it had to happen. He had to battle those demons if he was going to be effective for Harry, as he needed to be when Harry got sidetracked, and he also need to let go of those fears in order to be the man Hermione needed/deserved. And from the story standpoint, the trio really needed some connection to the wizarding world that they had become isolated from. Since Ron was always that \'connection\' in the past, being the only one raised as a wizard, it had to be him to provide the link. I hope you enjoyed the rest!

Great story! You've written Ron's PoV very well. I really do love him. You also worked in a lot of little details very nicely; I liked the bit about the wedding. So what do you think was going on with the Deluminator leading him back to Harry and Hermione? That's one thing I don't get.
Hope your other stories are coming along well!
~Gina :)


Author's Response: Thanks, Gina! Hmm...well, it\'s pretty clear to me that the Deluminator was enchanted with a pretty powerful locator or guiding spell that allowed the holder to find their way back to their loved ones. But it seems that it would only work if everyone, in their hearts, wanted to be reunited. Here, I was sort of envisioning the Deluminator also kind of enhancing the connection between the trio - that\'s why Ron was having those kind of foreboding feelings. It seems fitting that Dumbledore had created this object - I can see him worrying about conflict with Aberforth and wanting to have a way back to his family. I think in that way, he saw himself in Ron and that\'s why Dumbledore gave it to him.

I very much enjoyed reading your story! I thought you did a very nice job with Lily and I liked the approach you took with the narrative tense. There were some wonderful lines and it seemed a very accurate exploration of what James and Lily were going through during their final days. Are you planning to write more? Good luck if you do!
~Gina :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I\'m glad you think it\'s accurate. :) Hopefully I will be writing more soon because I love to do it!

Love it! And I love it because Pansy gave Draco the book that helped him poison Ron, right? Or am I way off? Very, very cool! I love those little nods to canon! You also did a nice job with Pansy's thoughts and reactions to Draco. You almost make me sympathize with her (except then she throws Harry to the dogs in DH so not quite, lol.) Congrats on being the Ravenclaw Story of the Week! ~Gina :)