"… change there lives forever."
should be
"… change THEIR lives forever."
This is great! Your writing style is very smooth. I liked Harry's dream a lot, it was a perfect portrayal of his worst fears at this point in his life.
I'd just like to point out some mechanical errors:
Privet Drive should only have one t
and
"It’s you fault they’re dead.”
should be
"It’s youR fault they’re dead.”
and
"All that was left, he felt, was to say goodbye to the Dursley’s,"
should be
"All that was left, he felt, was to say goodbye to the Dursleys," (no apostrophe)
and
"which had to have been and least three times smaller than his"
should be
"which had to have been AT least three times smaller than his"
and
"The Dursley’s just stared back at him"
should be
"The Dursleys just stared back at him" (no apostrophe)
and
“and we came to the agreement"
should be
“And we came to the agreement"
and
"after losing both Sirius, and Dumbledore"
should be
"after losing both Sirius and Dumbledore" (no comma)
and
"She tuned to Harry"
should be
"She tuRned to Harry"
This was a great first chapter, and I hope I'm not too annoying with the corrections! :] Cheers!
i loved it! it was great! " 'mione " kind of annoys me though. I love her full name....its so long and pretty!
Author's Response: I try to switch it every now and again. That way it doesn;t say Hermione or just \'Mione too much.
I really liked the "nicked your knickers" and "the meal wasn’t cold but Lucretia was". Brilliant. =]
I thought that the twins being embarassed by a picture of them sharing a bath when they were three was kind of unrealistic. No teenager I know is embarassed by naked baby pictures.
It was also kind of unrealistic that "It was no secret that Lucretia Black’s best subjects at Hogwarts had been Divination, Astronomy, History of Magic and Potions". Why would everyone know her FOUR best subjects? Maybe people would know she was good at one or two subjects, but four is too many to be common knowledge, in my opinion.
Also, it just seemed like you simply took all of the subjects that Harry didn't like and made them her favorites just to make her seem horrible.
That character development was unnecessary, you did a great job making her horrible by noting Lucretia's dislike of Muggleborns.
Author's Response: Maybe teenagers have become more mature since I was one. ;)
As for Lucretia and her subjects, it was well known because as her mother likes to remind her, they were the only ones she passed at NEWT level. The subjects were chosen because they don\'t use a wand and are fairly useless for defending oneself, from say a wrathful mother-in-law. The subjects weren\'t chosen to make Lucretia seem horrible, but rather to show that she\'s somewhat lacking in magical talent and has learned to compensate in other areas. This will come up again in later chapters.
Thanks for the review!
i really like it. especially the bit about pigs flying around in the back yard haha. in chapter 2, first sentence in the third paragraph from the bottom, "tree's" shouldnt have an apostrophe.
Author's Response: *double responds to double review*
i really like it. especially the bit about pigs flying around in the back yard haha. in chapter 2, first sentence in the third paragraph from the bottom, "tree's" shouldnt have an apostrophe.
Author's Response: Thank you - for enjoying it and pointing out my error - I\'ll go change that in a minute!
Harry's life stands at a crossroads.
He is torn between a return to the only true home he as ever known or a dark and dangerous winding and twisting road through Horcruxes and ending with murder.
But can he become a murderer? Can he over come the Dark Arts, while dabbling within them? Will Ron and Hermione stand beside him on the road to doom? And if love is truly his greatest power then why did he let his only true love go?
To defeat evil, Harry must climb a mountain of dark Death Eaters and Ministry mayhem - but will he come out on top in the Final Battle?
I thought it was pretty out of character for Harry to get tattoos, let alone 6. And a nipple ring. Very un-Harryish, in my opinion.
Author's Response: Thank you. You will find my Harry is different from the one portrayed in the books. He is changing and looking to imporvoe himself, these might not be improvements in everyone\'s eyes but he is grasping at something to link him to his Godfather and Father. For him this is it and its also a bit of fun.
Pre-DH
2010: Ahaa, God, I just took another look at this story and, uh...the only defense I have is that I was a lot younger when I wrote it. Whew.
where it says 'once upstairs, hermione was surprised', theres an unnecessary quotation at the beginning.
I think that the music as a horcrux idea is amazing! That's very creative.
by the way, you misspelled "draft" as "draught" twice in the beginning.
:]
Author's Response: Thank you for your review. I am glad you think me creative.
Thank you for the spelling tip as well. I was born British, so that is naturally how I spell \"draughty\". However, my writing is full of both languages (for want of a better word!) and I really should learn to spell one way or the other, and not both!
Buckbeak22
"Inside, the rooms were sparsely furnished, but homey But for the soft snores"
There should be a period after "homey"
but yeah, overall very good.
Author's Response: I am glad you liked it. And thanks for the correction.
I hope you read more. Though the third chapter may take some time to post.
"the air so tense you could swim in it"- awesome.
I also really liked the whole Ron read a book-blood boiled- Hermione gave him the book. Very creative.
But, Hermione changing her hair that much and wearing a lot of make up was really out of character, in my opinion.
Author's Response: A lot of the things Hermione does and says so far are very out of character, I specifically wrote them that way. As for why, you\'ll have to stick around to find out. . . . Thanks for the review!
"and fly around like he’s some sort of king!"- Nice reference to "Weasley is Our King"
Author's Response: :)
The third installment in my “Battles” series continues here in a fluffier-than-is-normal-for-this-author tale depicting the Jitters Ron and Hermione experience when popping the big question and the events leading up to it.
If you have just found this story, be sure to read “Internal Battles” and “Battling Boundaries”. This story stands alone, but the other two will help complete the back-story. You should enjoy them too! Let me know what you think!
Disclaimer: JKR started it…I am just playing with the fabulous characters!
"let her go out of shear shock." It should be "sheer", not "shear".
Author's Response: You are really picky
I don’t think so.
She would be a Slytherin Princess, still as golden, only more cunning and less conventional.In this story, let her teach you in gaining influence over the very people who crave it.
LucillaJoanna of Hufflepuff is here playing Lachesis for the May One-Shot Challenge......And won Second Place!
(Rating only for mild language)well done. I liked the way Hermione handled Draco.
by the way,
"When we loose next year again, at least you now have an excuse, both to Professor Snape and your father–Harry’s Firebolt.”
should be
"When we LOSE next year again, at least you now have an excuse, both to Professor Snape and your father–Harry’s Firebolt.”
Author's Response: Oh, silly typos. I will go back to that later, thanks, hon.
I dont really get flashback or the whole Krum thing. Isn't she desperate to get back to Ron???
Author's Response: The flashbacks will keep coming and hopefully, if I do a good job, the krum thing will all piece together!
I dont really get flashback or the whole Krum thing. Isn't she desperate to get back to Ron???
"I am at present staying in the burrow" should
This is very well written! Everyone's in character, and there aren't any usual fanfic cliches. Great Job!!
Just some technical stuff:
"I am at present staying in the burrow" should say "I am presently staying in the burrow".
"You see so far away" should say "You seem so far away".
=] Cheers!!
Author's Response: errors noted. Thanks for the review.
Excellent characterization!
When is this set? Is Narcissa pregnant with Draco?
Author's Response: Yes, Narcissa is pregnant with Draco... Thank you for reviewing! ~Fauna
The plot was great!
Lots of spelling errors, though.
Why didn't Alice conjure her patronus sooner?
Author's Response: Thanks for the heads up on the spelling. As for the Patronus-- I wrote this as a a gauntlet entry. I received prompts in a certain order. I wasn\'t sure what I would have to write next; so I had to improvise as I went along. Thank you for reviewing again! ~Fauna
Excellent dialogue!
Again, there were a bunch of spelling errors.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I will have to have a word with my beta! ;-) ~Fauna