that was awesome - giggling, dancing snape is fun!
Author's Response: Why thankyou very much, glad you enjoyed it.
And I hope you didn't miss the very heavy anti-smoking message ;) :D.
adorable, i liked it. I definitely prefer my R/H fics from Ron's POV ;)
omg! I didn't see that coming - that was priceless! I wonder what happens when they have to shower, hehe...
hehe - why does harry say about time at the end of every r/h romance - its hilarious. Anyway - yes I enjoyed it, the end seemed a bit too easy though. You probably should have taken more time, it was very rushed. It was however very original and creative! And as for the first kiss - imagine how weird it would be kissing yourself! because isn't that what they were doing? hehe. Kudos on a job well done...
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! About Harry's words, I just like the idead of him knowing how the other two feel about each other, but not telling them. I know it was an easy ending, and rushed, but that's the way I felt it should be, and it's my first fiction, I hope I'll get better with experience. About the kiss, the moment I started writing, I knew how it would end, and thought that it would be nice (and probably wierd) if they kissed, whilst in each other's boides.
very sweet! funny too - i can just imagine Harry walking in on them in the bath. hehe ;) keep up the good work
I'm just reviewing again, because though I understand where KatOHara is coming from ... why did she read it, then review to tell you something you've most likely heard before? There are currently 1105 stories on Mugglenet, if you don't like what's clearly written in the summary, don't read it - esp. not all the way through the fifth chapter... sigh. Anyway - I'd never slash Sirius, or do male-preg, but kudos to the authour for writing her story, her way... ::shakes head at stupid people::
Okay, I just have to be honest - it's pretty good, a lot better than some of the stuff I've seen. But you should have developed it a little more. I understand it's an AU, but it came as a total surprise to me that people weren't a little more confused at the preg-Harry. I think you have Sirius's reaction down pretty well, but you kind of rushed from the one-night, to the pregnancy stuff. And it might have been good to know that Harry was openly gay [at least with J & L] first. You say that you're chaps aren't long enough? Try having more thoughts, more conversation, more detail. Sometimes readers just want to know what's going to happen next, but you're story will always be better if you develop your characters and plot, and if you really grab the reader by making them feel it. I think you have the basics down quite well, but by thinking it through more and really letting the emotions flow, you could be a better writer...
that was very cute - i think I went several paragraphs without breathing...
Beautifully written, very sweet. Felt I was right there with them ;) Great job!
I liked it - but the chapter needs to be longer - you should have included more instead of putting the next bit into chapter two (which I'm assuming is what you've done) I'll look forward to an update.
I enjoyed this; 'twas a short & sweet take on a question I'm sure we're all pondering: what did Dudley see when he was attacked by the Dementors. I like your take on it, hehe. (I personally think it's going to be something rather stupid, too...).
A few mistakes here and there, or things that didn't sit well for me. '...complaining to his wife in very audible tones' - 'tones' should be singular, since you're only referring to Vernon's complaints, and not banter between the two of them. 'The subject of his complaints; the boy...' the semicolon needs to be a colon. In one paragraph you capitalize Godfather, in another it's lowercase. I believe that is a personal preference whether or not it should be capitilized (though if I were to lean towards one being correct, I'd say capitalize it), but you need to at least pick one or the other. '..losing his godfather last month in the Department of Mysteries. - Usually, when writing in past tense narrative (which you are here), you would use 'the previous month' or 'the month before'. Save 'last month' for character thought or dialouge, as they would be the ones viewing it as 'last month', while the readers will see it as the month previous to the current setting of the story. '...therapy faster than you could say Quidditch' - 'Quidditch' should be in quotations here.
Uncle Vernon is so perfectly in character, that it causes me to clench my jaw just reading him. His dialogue is superbly written, as are the opinions he expresses. He's just full of hot air, isn't he? I can completely understand Harry's frustration here; my blood boils as Vernon blabbers on about Sirius, and I really want to smack him. Dudley, Harry, and Petunia are all done well too, though they don't have quite so much dialouge (or any, in the case of Petunia, other than her sound of agreement, which was brilliant in itself.).Harry/Dudley interaction is quite canon, also. All aspects of your characterization in general are quite flawless ; I can really recognize and connect with the characters. It definitely meets the *Jo* standard.
I like the take on Harry being sent to a shrink; I found it amusing and very Dursely-ish. I'd actually like to see some transcript of that. I think it would make for a good read. To finish off, I liked the way you ended it. Very nice, and simply put. I think we all understood Harry's frustation (which, by the way, you paved the way for very well by opening with Vernon's scornful banter about Sirius; helps give the reader a grasp for just how bothersome and superficial all the Dursleys are.) Bravo.
I liked it, you seem to have everyone very in character - but there's one thing I don't get... the Ginny thing. Is this Alternate Reality? Because the circumstances you're presentic don't click with the story...
Author's Response: have to wait and see
Please forgive the following incoherence: GAH! Wha - fibbidywibbidy? What was that... the mirror... Eep! Must. Have. More. Now. Fibbidywibbidy indeed!
*Ahem* Now to the actual review. There were some minor bits: Without giving much attention to the thought.... I'd suggest changing the word 'thought' here, simply because this sentence has the phrase 'disgusting thoughts' on either side of it within the paragraph. A sharp intake of breath came form... 'Form' should be 'from'. ...your reading have allowed you to acclimate your mind to intrusion I believe that should be 'your readings have' or 'your reading has'. I feel like I might be interpreting the phrase incorrectly, but that's how I read it. And in another line you use 'clunk' and 'trunk' together... and those words rhyme. It was a bit icky.
The Occlumency scene was pure genius, for lack of a more glorifying phrase. I am of course referring to the part where DD informs Harry that being able to guide people through certain thoughts and areas inside his mind is half the battle of learning Occlumency. It just makes so much sense, because Occlumens aren't just supposed to block people from their thoughts.. but conceal certain thoughts and so on. I was just blown away by your interpretation of the whole idea of Occlumency... it was amazing. *is still in awe*. Well done!
the mane of hair that poked and curled around the sides of the chair What a *wonderful* description of Hermione's hair! I loved that :) She didn’t glance up from where she was inspecting a dent in the old man’s desk. Hehe. Wow, have I been there before. I thought that was brill Hermione characterization, perfect for the situation also. Silence smothered them for a moment before removing its hand. = L.O.V.E.! “Argh! Christmas will be loads of fun now. Let’s have a ball in honor of the great McKee, who’ll bestow upon us all the spirit of a hemorrhaging cow!” lmao! that was damn hilarious.
I like Ron/Hermione conflict, simply because everyone writes them as such a perfect little couple. It's annoying, and I've grown to despise the pairing in fan-fiction. You make them interesting and believable, however, and I do look forward to your R/Hrness.
I find it annoying that Hermione won't tell anyone anything and is making such a big deal of it not being anyone's business but her own, when so many times in the past she has pestered Harry to let her in on everything. Grr. I know she might have a very good reason.... But still... it aggravates me. Grrr Hermione! (But yay Lex!)
I want answers, Lex! About the mirror, about all of Hermione's research.. and whatever the hell that Lucius!Ghost thing is... (Man... if I were to have any ghost... I think I would most definitely choose... err, wait - review, yes...). Great new chapter, and now that I know how quickly you're capable of updating, be sure to expect much prodding from me very soon. :D
Lots to review! *excellent* 'ahem!' Let's get started. Some nitpicking: Legilemen's curse I believe that should be Legilemens curse. If it's even a curse - I wouldn't consider it a curse. Meh.You hate Slytherin too I believe there should be a comma before 'too'. to indulge in their mutual hated(hatred) before Hermione’s shoes Erm...that 'hated(hated)' bit - was that an edit that was never edited? Or am I just confuzzled as usual? and realization and concern washes over his features. this doesn’t fit with the rest of your style. I feel like it should read ‘realization and concerned washed over his features.’
Something that did bother me quite a bit, and I don't know whether or not it's my mind playing tricks on me, but: Angry Hermione. Melancholy Hermione. Perturbed Hermione. You use this kind of character description not only here, but in a couple other places in the chapter. The fan-fic writer in me automatically reads it as 'Angry!Hermione'. I have this odd sense telling me that, normally, people don't usually characterize their friends simply by placing a single adjective in front of their name. Perhaps my memory is merely tainted, but the more I look at it, the more wrong (or less correct) it feels.
I loved you characterization of DD in this chapter. His dialogue was impeccable, and you had the perfect mix of the powerful wizened old wizard and the whimsically odd headmaster. 'I would set Peeves on you.' caused me to chortle along with Harry, before I found myself caught off guard with the Legilemens spell. I am very impressed with the entire opening scene, and Dumbledore’s reaction to Harry seeing into his mind (I assume…) was superb. I really enjoyed how you finished that.
While were on the topic of characterization, I should go ahead and note that everyone was IC in this chapter; I love that Ginny doesn’t get nervous before Quidditch games, that was a nice addition to her personality. The only part I might pick at is when Hermione exclaims 'Oh my gosh' at the beginning of the second scene. I imagine Hermione might say that, were she not British, but American. It just bothers me a tiny bit. More of a Britpick than an OoC, really.
One think I love about your style of writing is how you often refer to your characters with a variety of descriptions: the young Gryffindor, the bearded man, the red head. I have found myself emulating this in my own writing; it flows so much more wonderfully than a constant repetition of names and pronouns. Very nice.
The daylight fell on his face in a manner that tugged at Harry’s memory. It was nearly the exact same pattern the moon played on his skin the night he told them about Kreacher’s death. *exhale* Wow. I loved that. Another constant in your story is the humor – I love it. You always get a good few chuckles out of me.“So someone in the Order wants to dangle me out in front of someone – probably Voldemort – and you think it’s wonderful?” Hehe. Typical Harry, typical Hermione, and wonderfully put together. I also *thoroughly* enjoyed the entire exchange between Ron and Harry concerning Hermione staying in Ron’s bed. That was *excellent*. (And so sweet, too!) “Roar!” The hat proclaimed its proximity. The wording on that was great. She’s obsessed with homework,” Harry said in a confidential rush. Remus Lupin chuckled. “Good one.” More laughterness here – you’re on a roll with this chapter.
The Quidditch Match was handled well. I often find writing Quidditch tiresome – how necessary is it, how much should I include, how do you bring yourself to let anyone score against Gryffindor? You handled it all well. It was a good match, believable, not too short, not too long, and (apparently) necessary to the plot. Good on that.
The Lex fan in me would like to interrupt here and exclaim the following: Who is this man in black wanting to dangle Harry as bait?! Poor Hermione… you’re enjoying torturing here, aren’t you? What’s going on with her and Malfoy? I hope things improve for her, soon. WHY is Harry’s ring tighter than it was when he first put it on? *poke, jab, pinch* Poor Luna. Harry and Ginny’s first kiss - *awwww* But is that Ron I see charging angrily? What a way to end the chapter And finally, what was with the sinister ‘ghost’ during the Quidditch match? Did I miss something? Why am I so befuddled? ACK!
Overall, you produce such well rounded chapters. Action, romance, mystery, suspense, plot development, character development, character interaction, humor – everything. Very entertaining, and excellent writing at the same time. Looking forward to more. *wink*
Author's Response: *Cracks up* I hadn't realized it was such an eventful chapter until I read all of your comments...for the third time. Normally, I do a ten point authors response, but really, today, it's more like a *blush* thank you. I love you Jenna.
I just read chapter one, and it's very good. (Though, Harry's not overage (17+) , but is allowed to do magic because he's taken his O.W.L's I believe...) I'm almost dying with the angst. The last line was particularly painful for me, and very poignantly written. The entire chapter is well written and I'm looking forward to reading more, but as I'm currently exhausted, I'll come back later. Good job. The only thing I'd say I didn't like was the informing of what's already happened, as though the readers haven't read all five books. I had a big problem with the same thing in Goblet of Fire as well (which seemed to have a completely uneccessary amount of 'filling in' in the first several chapters), but it might just be a personal preference. Yes, good job again, and I promise to review again when I continue reading.
Good chapter; I liked the way you portrayed Ron during the Quidditch Tryouts, it was funny; It seemed completely in Ron's character to jump to conclusions and get jealous, you did it very well. I enjoyed the repetition of "why do girls always want to talk about feelings?" It's cute to see them being teenage boys. I think Hermione needs to learn to stop underestimating Ron (& Harry)... it was in character of her to think what she did, but I've always thought she had an overbearing quality that she needs to outgrow; to stop being controlling and have more faith in her friends abilities. Again, it was perfectly in character that she thinks what she does, but I think you should definitely try to show Hermione learning that lesson, otherwise she'd won't be developing as a character. (Of course, knowing your brilliance, you probably already have a plan in action for that...)Once again, good chapter. And I hated the ending!! In the way that I loved it of course, but... go and be mysterious why don't you?
Author's Response: Why thank you for that long review! As far as Hermione goes, I can agree with you on some parts. The thing is, she has a very controlling personality. Letting go of that control is a slow process. I'm working on easing her into it. ;)
You're story is really good. I feel it actually puts mine to shame. I loved chapters 9 & 10 ... I'm trying to pace myslef (with much difficulty) Hermione's scroll was fantastic, I hope it comes into more play later.
Author's Response: *lol* Nah. Never say such a thing. If it can keep my attention when my favorite show is on, it's pretty darn good. And the scroll is special, intregal (sp) even. Pay attention whenever you hear a tidbit about it, because it's important.
PS, thanks :)
I was so happy when I saw you had a new chapter up! I loved the second paragraph, it was PERFECT R/Hr. I also loved the line about not getting in the way of the 'business' end of Hermione's wand, classic. I loved all the romantic tension at breakfast, simply superb. One think I'm not sure about is Harry's little hint at Cho... I wouldn't necessarily say it was OoC, but it's definitely not something I would have expected him to do. It seemed a little cold; usually Harry's cold for a better reason than that, and at the end of fifth year, he seemed completley apathetic to Cho. I also don't understand why Michael Corner is in Harry's N.E.W.T's class (isn't he in Ginny's year?) I'm assuming Cho is in there because it's N.E.W.T's level and you are combining sixth and seventh years (though I don't think they'd do that either). I didn't catch any grammatical errors. Overall, I really liked this chapter; it was a little slow at worst. I also liked the minor (for now?) complication of McKee. (I have a Slythering girl slythering her way into year seven, too. I love Slytherin girls...) The writing was all nice and smooth, a good selection of words, so not redundant at all. I really like you're R/Hr and H/G interaction, it's very believable. 9/10
Author's Response: I've combined the NEWT classes for at least DADA. I checked the Lexicon about Michael Corner, and it said there was some debate as to his house, but that he's in Harry's year. I also had some problems on how to handle Cho. I've changed that part up a bit, so feel free to look at your leisure. Other than that, thank you for reading. I appreciate the effort you put in to reviewing ;).
sorry I haven't read or reviewed in a while, been working on my own (crap) stories. What do I have to say?" Wow. this was an awesome chapter, from the originality of the story line, to the *romance*, Ginny is just AMAZING, I love the journal, I just... this was great. You are very talented, and should be writing your own story. This is just a great chapter.
That was quite sad; but very realistic and wonderfully written. The end with Harry & Ginny was adorable; i liked the moment that was 'tense' hehe. I love when there's a hippogriff in the room ;)