I’m sorry it has taken me so long to get back to this story. I promised myself that I would after reading the first chapter, and then I got distracted. You’ve set up a very interesting situation here, and I am truly enjoying your writing. Your sentences flow together nicely, and you have wonderful description. It is wonderful to stumble across a story with those characteristics.

By switching viewpoints within this chapter you’ve given the reader a nice understanding of the situation. It becomes a bit confusing, though, because we can’t really tell who’s head we’re in right away. You might try placing one character in italics, or inserting a mild page break between characters. [I would use three dashes, like this: ---] If that makes the chapter too choppy, then it can be left as it is without too much confusion.

The parts from Paige’s point of view are done very well. It’s easy to tell that the character is a young girl, and the way in which she looks at the world is very realistic for someone of that age. She is so very curious and innocent, and the world clearly revolved only around her and her grandmother.

When you looked at her face you saw a picture of happiness… This sentence, taken from the first paragraph, is a bit of a problem for me. Although it isn’t a hard and fast grammar rule, I’ve been taught that a writer should never use the word ‘you’ in narrative. It is ok if the writing is directed to one person specifically (as in this review, where I am writing to you) but it doesn’t work within stories. Because I have never seen Paige’s face, this sentence doesn’t apply to me. If you decide to change it, the sentence could be worded like this: ‘Her face was a picture of happiness.’

I found that, although Paige was very well written, Ellen seemd a bit off. Her thoughts tended towards a confustion that didn’t fit with the character I believe you’ve tried to create. Perhaps if you made her slightly more cynical, a bit more wise, and perhaps weary with the world it would help. Also, a few old fashioned phrases thrown in here and there couldn’t hurt.

But she couldn’t. Well, she could but she shouldn’t, not really. I mean the girl had a right to know where she came from, didn’t she? Well, she would find out eventually, I’m sure. Although maybe she wouldn’t be too happy with what she found. Ellen herself didn’t really understand the big deal but she wasn’t like ‘that’. Whatever ‘that’ was. You’ve switched from third person (she) to first person (I) and back within this paragraph. By italicizing thoughts (the first person parts) you can set them apart and eliminate the error.

Looking at Paige’s face, Ellen winced. She knew that look, it was her ‘who’s mummy?’ look. It usually followed with endless questions which she did her best to avoid. It was so hard! She didn’t want to lie, it was so hard to avoid the questions and she knew she disappointed with the answers she gave, they were so vague and noncommittal. It broke her heart to see those deep brown eyes fill with a look of disappointment and her little pale face that had been so lit up, all the light just drifted away. Ellen’s heart wept for her. The pronouns within this paragraph become confusing. You know who you are referring to when you say ‘she’ or ‘her,’ but the reader doesn’t. Try to replace some of the pronouns with names.

The little girl knew that her Granny wanted to answer the questions she asked, you could see by her round face looking uncomfortable and she wandered away looking depressed. There’s the ‘you’ again. I would rewrite this sentence like this: “The little girl knew that her Granny wanted to answer the questions she asked. She could tell by the discomfort on her Granny’s round face, and the way the old lady would wander away looking depressed.”

what she looked like etc Again, while technically not incorrect, using ‘etc’ in the narrative of a story isn’t good form.

I enjoyed this chapter greatly, and I can’t wait to read the next one. I hope my suggestions are helpful to you.

I love the way this story is told - the wandering style that fits their walks, slightly surreal like their stolen minutes. I like the innocence of the whole story, and the oddness of the two of them, and how they become friends because of it. It’s a very soothing story.

I liked Hannah, with her lists of things she didn’t like and her attempts to out-bargain Severus, as if that were possible! If only she knew exactly how dangerous he was, even she would have been scared. I liked how she remembered so much about wizards, even when she claimed not to believe in them. It reminds me of something I’d do, and I think a lot of us would, trying to pretend we didn’t believe in magic, but secretly hoping.

The story really didn’t seem that rushed at all. You showed enough of Hannah that the reader could understand why Snape might find himself interested in her. Her personality was just perfect, and she was really the star of the story. Which is probably why I keep returning to her when I try to talk about other things…

I thought it was amusing, the way Snape left and then came back. He was angry, and he didn’t want to be there, but he needed to know where those caves were. He covered it well, but it really was rather childish of him to take off in the first place.

Author's Response: Ooh! A Mask review. *hugs* Glad you thought it wasn\'t too rushed. I could have made it twice the length. *rolls eyes at self* And I love childish Snape. He can be so petualant that you want to slap him. Silly man. Hannah came from nowhere fully formed. I love it when characters just turn up like that ready to play. She certainly made this one shot easier to write. Thank you for the lovely review.

Luna! Myrtle! How… strange. And fluffy. Definitely fluffy. Very definitely fluffy. A bit like overly-light snow that makes bad snowmen - and I think you know about that, don’t you? Well, it might make bad snowmen, but it made a very amusing story. I really liked the part about it being bad manners to refuse to touch a ghost - that was very Luna-ish.

I could have done with one less reference to Luna’s imaginary animals. It seemed like you were using that as a crutch to keep your Luna going, when she was really quite Luna without them. Who else would matter-of-factly tell Myrtle that her glasses wouldn’t get snowy “now”?

Another perfect little detail was the tickly-snow, and the references to other members of Ravenclaw house were well done. All in all, I think a little more emotional value and background wouldn’t be out of place, but as a cotton-candy fic it’s very nice.

Author's Response: I agree that all the creature references were a little heavy-handed. If I write Luna again sometime (*carefully doesn\'t look at Bridget*), I think I\'ll go a bit lighter on them. And yes, this is fluffy. Unusually fluffy for me. *throws overly-light snow up into the air*

“He-hello?” the man sputtered, trying to get to his feet and failing. “Is there… anyone out there? Hey, I hear you! Don‘t think you can get away with just growing!” I think that you mean ‘growling,’ not ‘growing.’ That aside, this is a very interesting story. I like this look at what lies behind the veil, as well as the creatures called Fear. It’s especially interesting that they enter nightmares and drive people mad - a hidden, malicious force in the world. If you want to be careful of anything, it’s that your dialog stays realistic. Sometimes the characters sound a bit too dry.

Oh! This is delightful. I really love the way you’ve given this story a very fantasyish tone, but kept it so nicely in the Potterworld. I love the subtle way you describe Arcana, slipping in the height, the paleness, the claws, pointy ears, agelessness. Excellent. The dynamic between her and the shop owner is lovely as well, especial the subtle sadness when she leaves. I really enjoyed this!

Author's Response: Hey, thanks for the review (way back when). I never got an email notice that anyone had reviewed, plus I\'d actually forgotten that I\'d posted anything on mugglenet. :p I\'m a big fan of folklore and the faeriefolk, so there\'ll be no shortage of that. It\'s tricky to get Arcana to come across the way she is in my head. I\'m glad the words painted the right picture. And good Jeriol Ironcraft will be back, that\'s for sure. As soon as the archive is back up and running I\'ll post the rest of the story. If you don\'t want to wait it\'s on fanfiction.net and schnoogle. best, Methyl

Okay, I get a much better feeling for Bellatrix in this story. Partially because she’s younger, and partially because this is the history that’s missing from the last story I read. If this is how the Black sisters grew up in your mind, the other story begins to make more sense - though it seems like I’m making less.

The writing was mostly pretty clean, but a bit choppy. I’d like to see more variety in sentence structure, and perhaps less periods. I also found a few nitpicks (I always find a few nitpicks!) Anxiously, she moved her had back and forth. Her long mane of hair, swinging behind her. Her eyes flashed through the crowd of unfamiliar faces. Either the first or the second period need to be a comma. “Her long mane of hair, swinging behind her” is a fragment that would work with either of the other sentences. Also - “Sorry, Mother,” she replied, softly, leaving her sister on the ground, with tears in her eyes. It’s a bit unclear who has tears in their eyes there. I’m assuming Narcissa, but it tripped me up.

I really liked some of the lines about her father, especially that she’s forgiven him his shortcomings. You’re making her a very responsible child, even a very loving child. I could see that generosity hurting her later, making her cynical. I like how shaky her explanations for the pureblood prejudice are, but how firmly she believes in it, as evidenced by this, my favorite line:She had every right to be educated in magic, unlike many of her classmates.

Author's Response: *smiles* I knew who this review was from as soon as I saw it. I\'m glad this helped clear up a few things for you. I honestly wasn\'t sure if it would or not, but I thought it was the most likely.

I\'ll look into the grammar things. Those are the type of mistakes I often make when working quickly, but I usually pick them up when proofreading. Knowing me, I decided to proofread in the wee hours of the morning, but thanks for pointing it out.

And very good. You pinpointed what I consider the thing that hurt Bella the most. Her generosity and love towards those she cares about. Also, I think Andromeda\'s betrayl was particularly hard on her, probably more so than the rest of the family, although she would never admit it. In my mind, Bella would have raised her sisters far more than their parents. I think she was heartbroken to see Andromeda walk away from them. And although she was hurt and angry, she could never truly stop loving her sister.

Thanks so much for the review. :D

*blink*

Read to him? That’s a new one. *bursts out laughing, but not in a bad way* I like it. It’s original, and utterly absurd, and oddly charming. So, yep, you’ve got me hooked. Speaking of which, your characterizations are very nice. Hermione has just the right mix of politeness and outspokenness. Snape isn’t a mean bastard, but he isn’t exactly nice.

The one thing that bothered me was this: “She's certainly smart enough to do the first-years...and the second-years...oh, hell, she could do her own classmates, she's miles ahead of them anyway.” The first and second year part sounds good, but everything after ‘oh hell’ seems a bit OOC, for both of them. You’re falling into the trap of using fandom!Hermione - that brilliant creature that knows everything.

So, one nitpick. And now I’m off to read the next chapter.

Author's Response: I\'ll call your nitpick and raise you a friendly counterargument. FanHerm or no, this is the girl who corrects Ron\'s and Harry\'s essays--and the one who memorized Umbridge\'s totally lame DADA text before term even started. As graders go, she\'s a find. I think Snape would mentally register this comment, though he\'d never say it out loud. After all, it may be a compliment to Herms, but it\'s an insult to everyone else in their 5th year--how could he resist? ;)

Well. You’ve managed to give us cruel!Snape and soft!Snape in the same chapter - and all the while Hermione’s just being her usual smart, stubborn self. I take it that physical means of reinforcing his point are a bit of a habit to Snape? Or, I should say, I wasn’t totally convinced that there was enough characteristic support for that. I could be missing something, but have we ever, in Canon, seen Snape touch somebody? He uses his presence and his words for effect, but… *lets thought trail off*

Your characterization is perfectly acceptable by normal fanon standards, though, so I really have no call to choose you specifically to complain about it to. Other than that, this feels a bit fairy-tale-ish, but not in a bad way. Fluffy!SS/Hr, I suppose. I’m still enjoying, even if I’ve run out of original ways to compliment your characters - especially Hermione.

Author's Response: These are great reviews! Cruel!S x Soft!S--could this possibly be Complex!S ? That\'s what I\'m shooting for, anyway. I think the average Snape Fangirl has this idea that things aren\'t all that they seem, so why not go ahead and have a look at what\'s going on under that icy exterior? Snape\'s touched Harry at least once before--gave him a violent shaking after catching him in the Pensieve. I\'m pretty sure he and Sirius mixed it up a little somewhere, too, of the shoving and robe-grabbing variety. True, he\'s definitely NOT in the touchy-feely club...but I don\'t think he\'s above physical violence with someone who\'s really irritated him. What else is he going to do--give her a detention for spilling their secret? Take points from Griffindor? Or the other extreme--the Cruciatus? Sometimes you just have to resort to a good, old-fashioned bullying.

I have an unusually high (for you) number of nitpicks on this one. Bella couldn’t bare the idea of her poor baby sister being married to that monster. ‘Bare’ should be ‘bear.’ He bound her using magic, and without her wand, there wasn’t a damn thing she could do, except lay there and wait to see what he had in store for her. This should read ‘He had’ or ‘he’d.’ “You’re going to have to be quite, Bellatrix. ‘Quite’ should be ‘quiet’. She found that the binds around her wrists had disappeared, and she could move again. ‘She found that the bindings’ - ‘binds’ is a verb. Silent tears fell from her eyes, as a realization sat in, this would be her life. ‘Set’, not ‘sat’.

On the other hand, the writing is a lot less choppy. There’s better variety in the sentence structure, and the story as a whole flows much better. I’ve always perceived Bella as the strong one in her relationship - this is an interesting few of things. It looks like he was just waiting for an excuse to blackmail her into complete submission - it almost sounded as though he was less angry with her, and more pleased to have an excuse. Petty, shallow man. Since he usually beats her for offending Voldemort, I’ll assume he’s afraid of his master. Should I add cowardly bully to the list?

…as you can probably tell, I’m not too pleased with the bastard. It’s interesting that he taught her the Cruciatus Curse (and if I mauled the spelling, sorry. I haven’t taught spells to my new spell check yet!)

Author's Response: *giggles* More mistakes on this one. I tend to get a lot for this story. You know, it went through the que on the first shot and I\'m beginning to wonder how. Anyway, thanks for pointing them out. I think I got a bit carried away when I was writing this and neglected to proof-read properly. This story seems to have my highest amount of mistakes.

Anyway, yes, this one is bit more recent then the others you were reading. Therefore, sentence structure is a little better. It\'s something that I believe I have been improving on.

I have actually just been waiting for you to get to this story. I was interested in what your take would be. I am pleasantly surprised actually. :D

For Rodolphus, you\'re right. He\'s not angry or hurt. He\'s very pleased to have a way to get at Bella. He can now completely control, which is exactly what he wanted. He never cared about her and saw her only as an object to obey him. However, Bella certainly has a mind of her own and controling her is not an easy task, so when he finally found a way to do it, he was very pleased with himself.

Petty, shallow man. For sure. Cowardly bully. I would say yes to that too. He is afraid of his master, but who isn\'t? He also believes in Voldie and becomes angered when his wifs lets his precious master down. It reflects poorly on him, after all. But generally, I think of Rodolphus as a psycho.:D

*smiles* I should hope you\'re not too pleased with him. If someone left a review for this story saying, \"Go Rodolphus!\" I would be very concerned.

As for the Cruciatus Curse. Bella had to know it to serve the Dark Lord. Remember, Rodolphus couldn\'t have his wife disappointing his precious master.

Thanks so much for the review. *huggles Mask*