01/16/05
http://fanfiction.mugglenet.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=2902
+ Slytherin
+ Rarepair Fan
+ Hermione/Snape
+ Harry/Luna
+ Snape/Lily
+ Neville/Nott
+ AU Writer
With Deathly Hallows over and the spoiler ban lifted I’m looking at my fic with an eye towards bringing them into compliance with the new canon. With that in mind I’ve gone through and marked the hopeless ones with a ‘DH Disregarded’ warning.
That’s left me with two stories.
Textures of Darkness will continue. It’s fully canon compliant, and I’ve tentatively planned a sequel set in Hogwarts during Deathly Hallows.
A Wolf That One Hears is currently on hold, but I have every intention of continuing it when I can update more regularly.
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Date: 02/09/05 Title: None
I am having a hard time evaluating this in a well-rounded manner, because I am much too busy enjoying it. The courtroom proceedings were nicely done. You balance everything quite well. I liked the mix of ceremony and practicality displayed in that scene. As before, I am enthralled with the world you have created.
One specific problem--the last sentence in the following quote: “As Consul Han has so rightly said, the means by which Vulchanov escaped are not of immediate consequence. The question who, however, is.” I think you have a word order issue.
Harry Potter and the Study of Legilimency by Rita Writer
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: Many new things will be learned this year, but the one thing Harry Potter knows not, is the one thing he wishes to know; What happens when one touches the forbidden grounds behind the veil? Set in Harry's sixth year. Please Read and Review!
Date: 02/20/05 Title: Chapter 1: Return Owl
“The wonderful feeling of flight from the Dursleys was great. However, Harry was staring to doubt how much he wanted to go back to Grimmauld place. Even though his friends would be there, it would only remind him of the injuries he had caused them and the death of his godfather. If only Dumbledore hadn’t made sure that Harry was to be there tonight, he could possibly arrange for him to simply stay with the Dursleys.” There’s something awkward about the first few lines of this---at least to my ear. “Harry only wished that he could rip the canvas apart, but maintained calmness.” This might read smoother as “but he maintained his calm.” It sounds…odd to me the way it is.
Otherwise, this chapter is nice. It moves ahead quickly down the most logical path. I thought everyone was very IC with two exceptions: Moody wouldn’t have been the one to suggest going one man down. He’s the paranoid one--he’d probably have tried to lock Harry in a trunk and carry him. He could also see through the door with his eye--he wouldn’t have needed to ask if Harry was in there. The second exception is Hermione--she’s very businesslike. I think it would have been more like her to down to Potion quickly, rather than the theatric wincing. This second one is more subjective than the first.
The OWL scores were perfect, the writing was concise and to the point, and everything flowed smoothly. Props for you.
Author's Response: You've got a very good point about Moody's parinoia. I am almost done with this, and plan to go back and edit. As for Moody being able to see through the door, he did. As he saw Harry bending over to look through the keyhole, he chose to do the same, just for his own amusment. ;)
Journey to Perfection by Lycanthropist
Rated: 6th-7th Years •Summary: Remus Lupin has not always had an easy or a happy life, but now after resigning from a job he loved and enjoyed, he's forced to once again sulk on his lonely and bitter existence. Wallowing in his self-pity, Remus ventures into the Hog's Head, only to meet a erudite woman that may just help to disrupt the monotony his life has become. Remus/OC, Post-POA.
Date: 03/01/05 Title: Chapter 1: Meetings in Pubs
I have a few nit-picky grammar things to get out of the way before I get down to the real review, so--- “Ill-lighted” should be “ill-lit.” “Taking long inhales of the tobacco” is also incorrect, I believe. I should be “long inhalations.”
You’re writing is very detailed and clear. It gets the point across with very nice images, so that I can see, hear, and smell everything that is going on. Description seems to be your strong point.
I haven’t seen enough of your OC to really judge her yet. However, I love your characterization of Lupin. Your view into his thoughts is quite interesting. I especially liked the following lines: “ ‘I doubt he’d be a good conversationalist,” Remus analyzed.” I think the wording is perfectly Lupin. And this one: “A million words could’ve been used to describe her, but her eyes summed her up in two: determined and obstinate.”
A really great start to what promises to be a really great fic.
Author's Response: LOL, I'm a bit of a nit-pick myself. Thank you for pointing those out.
You're not the only to have told me that. Even in the other fandom I wrote for, they said that description is my strong point. It's not surprising, though. I such an observer and like to draw out scenes, even if I do not do it all the time.
I'm glad you're enjoying my characterization. The lines you picked are a few of my favorites. I love picking Lupin's mind, hence the reason for seeing his thoughts. :D
There they were by ancientgirl
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: This is my take on the Marriage challenge, at WIKTT. This takes place on Hermione and Severus' wedding night. This is a one shot, but part of a series of three.
Date: 04/24/05 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter one
I like it. Your writing is very nice- descriptive and flowing. You highlight just the right things to illustrate your story nicely.
I loved the awkwardness of this. So many MLC fics throw them in bed together without any hesitancy, or make them forget their hesitancy with clichéd smut. That obviously isn’t the case here, and I have to give you many bonus points for that.
The idea that they aren’t in love “yet” is very nice. Hermione and Snape are both logical, controlled people. They wouldn’t be the sort to think of love as being completely outside their control. You showed that very well with the ending of this fic- they are prepared to put in the effort to make this work.
Hermione’s laughing to keep from crying was another point I liked. It’s in character for her- always make the best of everything.
The downside to this fic, then. There were several clichéd plots, mainly their listing of each other’s faults and the bit about Grimmauld Place and their realizations about each other. It’s probably possible to use different plot devices to get those points across without repeating what all Snape/Hermione fans have seen before.
Author's Response: Thank you. I appreciate your comments. I tried to make this something a bit different from most of the ML challenges out there so I'm happy it worked.
And I do realized I used a few cliches when it came to their descriptions of each other, but honestly, at the time I was writing this story I just could not think of any other things to put down. Had I taken more time I probably could have come up with something better, but in the end I think it all worked well together.
Descent by Seren
Rated: Professors •Summary: His happiness nourishes me. He surrounds me, swallows me, tears me apart and puts me back together, and makes me feel more alive. He is my fire. I am his, to the last breath. Nothing exists without her. She is my infatuation, my fetish, my fixation, and my drive. I cannot let anyone else have her. Harry and Hermione slowly descend.
Date: 01/24/05 Title: Chapter 1: Descent (One-Shot)
That was beautiful….and disturbing….and even though it was completely impossible it didn’t seem jarring because you wrote it in such a way that the reader could believe it as they were reading. I liked the way it jumped from view to view. One thing though--Harry saved Hermione from a mountain troll, not a cave troll, if I remember correctly. A minor, unimportant detail, but it happens in Hermione’s POV, and even if she’s descending into madness I don’t think she’d mix up her facts ;)
A Simple Suggestion (With Dishonorable Intent) by Mary
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: Hermione pitches an idea to a reluctant Severus, but her motivations aren’t completely innocent. He IS a tall, dark, and brooding Potions Master, after all. Prequel to Painfullly Obvious.
Date: 03/05/05 Title: Chapter 1: A Simple Suggestion
I really liked this. You had a good balance in there--humor and some seriousness, with undertones of romance. On top of that, you threw in just enough clues about what was happening to set the reader’s imagination going, but left a lot of freedom to fill in the blanks. They both seemed IC was well--props to you for the story.
Date: 02/23/05 Title: None
So I FINALLY get around to reviewing the rest of this. *rolls eyes at herself*
Some points I really liked were; The characterization of the Weasleys was perfect. I liked everything to do with the twins, but especially Mrs. Weasley destroying their work nightly. Thumbs up. I also liked the way the boys skittered around having to tell each other anything. I think that was exactly how they would do it, and I think that scene was very much IC.
On the downside, the Ron-covered in sludge incident seemed a bit forced and unnecessary. I think it might have worked out better if it was described in a more active way, like having Harry see the sludge and then having the reader listen to Fred and George’s dramatic re-telling of the event.
I’m not sure if Tonks would have made the comment about doxy-cide--I think everyone holds enough awe of Mrs. Weasley not to say something like that out loud. Mumbling it might work. Also, I’m not sure about Order conversations happening with the kids in the room. The Extendable Ears could be used too easily.
To wrap up my mini-essay, the main parts were wonderful, but some of the filler didn’t sit right with me. There was certainly more good than bad.
Author's Response: Ah, I'm disappointed. I am, to my credit, fully aware that the first few chapters are awkward. The sludge incident was forced by no means. It simply flowed out of me. It was meant to be a rather funny reunion despite that it was at Grimmauld Place. Why would they need to re-tell when Harry was right there to see the effects? Ginny was occupied, and no one else would listen. The twins don't live there anymore. I'm sorry you weren't crazy about the chapter. To each his own, I suppose.
Date: 02/23/05 Title: None
I liked this chapter even better than the last. You have a very good sense of character development.
Dinner went smoothly. I liked the interplay between the Weasleys again, and I thought the line about Moody was funny. I also liked the line about Harry not being able to take a hint. And the thing about Voldemort taking the Prophesy from Harry’s mind. Actually, I liked the whole chapter. Good job!
Author's Response: Gotcha. *lol*
Date: 02/24/05 Title: None
I’m going to get specifics over with first. “Harry,” whispered someone who was shaking him. “Harry, you awake?” I have a problem with this sentence. I think it could use some rewording to make it flow easier. One thing about Dobby is, on occasions such as these, he tended to give gifts that were . . . interesting. I think this should be “The one thing about Dobby WAS.” All seemed clear, because all, including Harry in his invisibility cloak, went to rest at a nearby booth. This is confusing. “Ron, Arthur, would you get some Chamotarts, please. Thank you, Dears.” Molly requested as Harry finished his tale. He grudgingly left the table as Mrs. Weasley leaned forward. I think the last sentence should be “They grudgingly left…”
Otherwise, this was another very nice chapter. I think it balanced everything well--the war, and wanting to have a birthday. A good birthday, with reality (Ginny not being able to go.) Your characterization was nice, as usual. I thought Dobby was hilarious, Ginny seemed about right (is she home alone?), the information about Percy was nicely placed, and Mrs. Weasley was perfect.
Date: 02/24/05 Title: None
I’ll do the specifics first again: “And where do you think you are going?” she asked in the high-pitched tone that happened to be her most abrasive. You really need to explain who ‘she’ is. She could be Molly or Ginny. Also, her two lines after this seem a bit awkward--the word order might be off.
Now then---lovely chapter! I loved Harry’s line to Ginny about Dumbledore, and also her response. That showed his feelings nicely, and was also first-rate sarcastic humor. The interplay between Harry and Ron is still very nice---the little scene on the way up to the attack was wonderful. I’m intrigued by the journal, though I wonder at Ginny being the one to explain it. Wouldn’t she be wary of enchanted journals?
Overall, very very nice.
Author's Response: Nah. I can see where you're coming from on that. However, I think if it's bought from a store with multitudes of the exact same product, well, one is more apt to trust that it isn't posessed by someone's embittered memory.*lol* As for corrections, I am lazy presently, and will look at them later ;) By the way...there's more to the journal than Ginny says. If she's the one who enchanted it, she trusts it. It's one of my 'little hoppers.'
Date: 02/24/05 Title: None
BRILLIANT! That gets one of my extremely rare 10/10 ratings. I can think of nothing bad so say about this chapter, so I’m going to go on, and on, and on about how good it was. I think your interpretation of the brain incident is perfect. (And I’m now trying to keep it from working it’s way too clearly into my mind, for fear that it might beg to be allowed into my fic.)
Author's Response: Honestly, if you show me the part it's in (so I can make sure it is the same thing- not that I forsee not reading the entire chapter*lol*), and the context, and give props to me in an author's note or something, I have no problem with your incorperation of that idea.
Date: 02/24/05 Title: None
Go Ginny! (Here’s where the deterioration of my reviews starts, because I’m too busy reading the story to focus on the writing.) I almost feel bad for Harry and Ron---mightn’t it have been better to just get yelled at? What is she going to do to them, anyway?
You’re characterization is perfect, as usual. I think their punishment was quite realistic and I liked Harry’s sudden realization of what it’s like to actually have a mother.
Author's Response: Yeah, welcome to my world.*lol*
Date: 02/24/05 Title: None
I think the opening scene with Hermione was a little overdone---for one heart stopping moment I had a flashback to all those fanfics that turn her into some sort of sex goddess. Ah! I’ll forgive it though. There’s also something that I don’t understand. How did something wizarding end up in Hermione’s relative’s library (If that’s where it was---my brain is dying.)
Of course I am very interested in this scroll. And I liked how Ginny stood up for herself. I also thought the interplay between Ron, Hermione, and Harry when Hermione kissed Ron was interesting. (and well done)
Author's Response: Yeah...well...I was thinking. What's going to happen to a chick who's been hanging out on the mediterranean all summer? She'll get tan. She'll get highlights. Such a look would complement her because she has dark eyes and hair. You'll notice in later chapters that I don't have men falling all over themselves for her. Consider it a Yule Ball moment. Oh, and thank you for all of the complements. They were all duely noted.
Date: 01/25/05 Title: None
Wonderful imagery and a nice start to the story. You worked the history in very well, without making it seem like it was interrupting anything--that’s more than JKR does in her books ;). I thought Hermione’s letter was very IC, and I also enjoyed the thought of Harry writing swears with his wand. You said that Harry was overage, but he wouldn’t be for another year--I’m assuming that there’s a reason behind that that I don’t know about yet, but it comes across as a canon error to the reader. Now, on to the specifics-- I think you have a typo in this sentence: “He had been trapped in his upstairs bedroom- otherwise knows as his cousin’s former second bedroom.” Knows should be known. “There had been a nasty event several years before involving Harry’s cousin, Dudley Dursley, and a pig’s tail.” I had to laugh. “It was as if time was the only one who kept him company, paling his complexion and deepening his eyes.” Beautiful, and perfect imagery.
Author's Response: I fixed the 'known' thing. As far as the overage thing. Remember in OOtP, when the twins wanted to join. Their reasoning was that they were 'of age," right? So, a year later, he would be of age, right? Is it a school year thing, or an actual age thing? Thanks for pointing it out. Let me know what the specifics on that are.
Date: 01/25/05 Title: None
Still good, though the last chapter was much better. The Dursleys seemed IC, though Harry was a little on the bold side from what we‘ve seen before. I did like the bit about Harry not wanting the Dursleys to insult his friends--that’s the Harry we know and love…exactly how he would think. I thought the second half of the first paragraph was confusing. I understood it because I already know about the stuff, but if you’re trying to work that in smoothly you might want to look it over. It’s rather ambiguous. “Wild centaurs couldn’t have woken up his dolt of a cousin.” *laughs* I liked the wizarding turn of phrase their.
Date: 01/25/05 Title: None
Hello again. The story is advancing itself nicely. I enjoyed Harry‘s sarcasm with the Dursleys--they‘ve been so awful to him that it‘s nice to see him stand up to them. The Order members all seemed in character, and I liked how you threw in a bit more emotion where Petunia’s character was concerned. I liked Tonks’ comment especially. A few small problems-- “The sun was descending toward the horizon, and so, five o’clock must have been approaching.” This sentence just seems awkward to me--almost as though it’s incorrect grammar, but I’m not a grammar wiz, so…*shrugs* “Well, yes,” replied Harry coolly, “Seeing as how I’m here, and they’re coming to get me. Hmm," he said, screwing up his face,” Yep, makes sense to me.” A little punctuation error at the end of that--the quotation mark between ‘face’ and ‘yep’ should be after the space, not before it.
Author's Response: Yeah, my computer doesn't like for me to use split quotes. It insists on putting the quotation marks in thoroughly inappropriate places. Damn autocorrect! Anyoo, I've made the requested changes. Thanks for reading, and let me know what's up with the rest of the chapters (I know, we all knew you'd let me know, I was just being pleasant)
Super Girl by Seren
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: I'm here to save the world, save your soul, ease your pains and be the best. Look at me, I'm Super Girl, and it doesn't matter if you've never known who I am. A Hermione monologue.
Date: 01/24/05 Title: Chapter 1: Super Girl
Thank you Seren! That was very insightful and a very necessary reminder to me that I shouldn’t overlook the things my friends do, just because they always do them. *writes note to herself to go tell her mom she loves her*. It was also very in character--I think that is just the way Hermione would think were she to allow herself to be resentful for a moment. Very good job!
The End of All Ends by hp_fanfic_chick
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: The final war is brought to Hogwarts, as the might of Lord Voldemort increases and his strength has knocked on Hogwarts door. Will this be the end of Hogwarts? Or even Harry Potter? As the End comes near, who will be the one to really finish it all off?
THIS STORY IS COMPLETED!
Date: 01/26/05 Title: Chapter 1: Unbelievable
Hi there! I’ll review each chapter as I read it. This beginning packed a good punch--no one’s going to get bored during this fic. I liked the sense of disbelief, and I thought everyone was very IC. I like the way you’re balancing Hermione’s tears with her attempts to help everyone else stay together. The plot is nicely paced, working in emotions and history without seeming at all slow. On the downside, there are some run-on sentences and other grammar errors. I also think the story could use some more detail, though it would have to be added judiciously to keep it from interrupting the story flow. This sort of highly-charged story requires very careful word choice and pacing to get just right. Specific things I really liked were: Dobby’s “call to arms.” I thought it sounded like something a house-elf would say and respond to, trying to help their master. Also, Harry’s response to Hermione asking him to stay in the common room was very IC, and said a lot about the way he’s matured between the end of OOTP and the beginning of this fic.
Date: 01/26/05 Title: Chapter 2: The Break In
The story remains very suspenseful, and you have a wonderful grasp and an interesting outlook on the trio and Neville. You seem to have a more difficult time with the teachers though--both McGonagall and Dumbledore are OOC. Your writing could be clearer--you get the ideas across, but sometimes I had to stop and reread a sentence or two to work out who was doing what. I thought the common room scenes were very well done, whereas the great hall scenes were a bit on the confusing side. The thoughts you had Ron and Hermione use to summon their Patroni were very interesting…I liked your choices. My favorite bit from this chapter was the imagery of a wave of patroni bursting out through the door. I do have a question though. If seventh years are fighting, why are Parvati and Lavender both in the common room?
Author's Response: YAY! Great review by you! As mentioned previously on the forum, Dumbledore is extremely difficult to manage, so if you read the rest of that, I delt with him appropiately afterwards. I am going back and proofreading everything now, thanks!
And In Your Loving Memory by Seren
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: Memories of those gone are slowly fading into the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Lives that were given for others are pushed aside and forgotten by the world at large. A few students decide that it's time to honour the fallen, so that no one may forget the sacrifices made by the ones who came before them.
Date: 01/24/05 Title: Chapter 1: One-shot
Beautiful, touching, deep, and well written. I liked that it didn’t center around Harry, but included someone else taking the initiative, and I love the way you write Hermione and Luna. I’m nearly crying after reading that, and I don’t cry easily.