I'm back, after a good year and a half of hiatus. I'm 20 now, going to university in the UK studying Business and Chinese, and trying to get back into the fanfiction world. Expect revisions of current fics, continuations of unfinished novel-length fics, and the introduction of many, many, many of my plot bunnies. To all my old friends, I've missed you, and to all my future friends, I hope to meet you very soon.
WTFOMFGSTFU!!!! This moochie hates me. It posted a tiny portion of my review, then KICKED ME OFF TEN TIMES!!!!!! *dies* I really hope this works...
The characterization was spot on with both characters. Draco was an obnoxious git, and Hermione was…well…Hermione. I certainly liked the subject of their argument, and I must admit I was inclined to agree with Draco. Hermione’s reaction was brilliant too, especially the way she wouldn’t see his point of view just like he wouldn’t see hers. Rather ironic, which I’m sure was what you were getting at. The vocabulary used seemed perfectly suited to the situation, even though J.K Rowling has never portrayed Draco as particularly intelligent (or dim for that matter). I think the intelligence and sophistication of his vocabulary suited him, as I can imagine his father told him to always use large, sophisticated words to make the family sound elitist.
Now I really only have one complaint: there is nothing to complain about. I can’t fill up my review with nit-picking things concerning grammar errors or spelling errors or sentence flow. I can’t find anything that I would change.
Ten out of ten for you!
Well that was a surprise! I honestly wasn’t expecting that ending, which made it all the more interesting! Just a bit of nit-picking first, which might annoy you, so I apologize in advance!
The very first sentence of the story, ”the long, murky corridor seemed endless like the sharp pain of a freshly cut wound” needs comma after ”endless” and before ”like”. Also, while this is more of a situation of trying to make the sentence flow more, the sentence“if only she would have listened to Ron” might sound a little bit less awkward if you replaced ”would have” with ”had”. Just my opinion though!
And that’s it for annoying nit-picking! *claps*
I love the suspense that was built up at the very beginning of the chapter; it made me feel like I was actually in that situation. And then when she was almost found by the statue: brilliant. You really captured Hermione’s fear and the raw emotion of the situation.
As I said before, I love the end of this chapter! I really want to find out what happens (and will be reading on soon, I promise!). I like the loyalty Draco has to his father, because too many times he is portrayed as someone who has been forced to respect his father and isn’t loyal at all. (I don’t like it when that happens).
Great story and I can’t wait to see what else happens!!!
First of all, I would just like to say that this fic has intrigued me, and you will be getting a SPEW review on every chapter! Hehe. Also, a little nit-picking before I get to the interesting stuff (don’t worry, there is only one thing): ”He wondered why he would have a dream as horrible as that to happen involving Hermione. Did he want that actually happening to her?” sounds a bit awkward. Maybe if you just replaced involving with to in the first sentence and, in the second sentence, perhaps you could replace that actually happening to her with that to actually happen to her. Of course, this is merely a suggestion…^__^
I find the way you have set restrictions for Harry’s life because of Voldemort’s return very realistic. The simple fact that Hedwig cannot stay out too long shows how tense the world is, and how Harry is suffering because of Voldemort being back in power. Also, I like the way this related to a part I absolutely love, which is: “Not a cloud covered the black sky, the stars twinkled eccentrically in a way Harry thought was rather annoying. He wasn’t in much a charming mood those days” because it just seems to be building on the character of Harry J.K created in the fifth book: moody, depressed, and easily angered. The background details of Ron with chocolate cake all over his face and Dudley pushing Harry into the wall were also very in character and lovely touches. They give the story a history, and show that Harry has a past and a future outside of this particular event, if that makes sense.
Oh the part with Ron nearly gave me a heart attack. You need to not do that! I thought he was dead…it was creepy! (And yet very cool) And the discussion that followed the Death Eaters visiting Harry was very realistic. I especially like how Mad Eye kept raving on and on and then Tonks shouted at him. It was in character for both of them, especially after seeing how they interacted in OotP.
My finally comment is this: SIRIUS?!?!?!?!
The characterization of Harry in this chapter is very accurate. All the way from his mental rant about Sirius being alive and no one understanding how he’s feeling to the end where he is worrying about hiding his feelings and wishing he didn’t have to. This keeps him in the form J.K has created but still manages to be a little more unique as you see how his feelings have developed over the summer.
In the sentence The sounds of screaming sirens outside the bedroom window forced Harry to open his eyes and experience the blinding of the noon sun spilling through the window onto Harry’s bed. you might want to replace Harry’s bed with his bed. It just makes it flow a little better.
Uh-oh…Hermione’s hair is less bushy? Is this going to wander into the realm of non-bushy-haired Hermione who spends lots of time on her appearance? I may just be paranoid, but it would be very sad if it did. The friendship dynamic between the trio, however, is still wonderful and I hope that won’t change!
OOOO, Sirius/Remus slash! I love this ship! *squeee*
*cough* Sorry, got a bit enthusiastic about that. You should probably be warned that this is a SPEW review, and will thus be very, very long and annoying. I apologize. XD it will also contain a lot of these…
First off, I would like to inform you that the thing that stuck out most for me in this story was the characterization. Everyone seemed, for the most part, bang on target. Sirius was Sirius, Remus was Remus, James was James…oh, you know what I mean! The story itself answered a lot of questions generated by canon, which is brilliant and exactly what a fanfic that follows canon should do! Kudos to you!
Okay, now to in-depth reviewing, which will start off with a bit of nit-picking (I apologize). The first thing I noticed was that you should probably break "Wow! That good?" Sirius enthusiastically shouted causing many students to jump, however, Remus still had his mind completely focused on his work. into two sentences by inserting a full-stop before however, because it is a run-on.
A couple of annoying comments from the wonderful British person obsessed with characterization that I am…When you have Sirius say chill out I get an image of someone American. Sorry to be a pain…but I don’t think they said that in 70ies England. I might be wrong: I wasn’t alive in the 70ies and I spend minimal amounts of time in England, but I am English…if that counts for something. -.- I guess if I never investigated I'd always wonder what would have happened if I had gone, so I'll check it out. is another quite American way of phrasing things. Again, I might just be a bit picky, but I don’t think this sounds like Snape either. Perhaps if you change guess to suppose and I’ll check it out to I shall investigate it might sound more like Snape. He has just always stuck me as a very precise character, and I feel his vocabulary should reflect that. XD
(Annoyingness continues…The four blokes saw the tall, auburn-haired figure of Albus Dumbledore glaring at them. First of all, blokes is a very slang term which should probably be avoided during the narrative of the story, unless it’s from a first-person point of view of someone who would use such a term. Secondly, Dumbledore would have had white hair then also, since the last time I remember reading about him having auburn hair was when he was teaching Tom Riddle, and that was about 30 years previously. Just a minor issue. Sorry about that! >.<’
Now that the nit-picking is over, I shall shower you in praise! *hands an umbrella* Right-o, I love your characterisation. Have said it once and will say it again: It was almost always bang on target! For example: Irritating Remus was a pastime he adoured as much as pulling pranks is hilarious! It’s exactly the sort of thing Sirius would like to do! (and the little spelling mistake—adore doesn’t have a u—doesn’t make it any less humorous XD) Sirius ignored them and said solemnly to Remus, "You are going to keep that bit of hair, aren't you? It may be valuable someday." "Oh yes, I will treasure it forever," responded Remus sarcastically. is another wonderful bit of characterisation. Sometimes, people make Remus too much of a square, and this just shows (along with the line further down about Snivellus and flobberworms) that he DOES have a sense of humour like Sirius and James.
Well done! This is one of the most honest and worth-reading Sirius/Remus fics I’ve come across that actually have something to do with canon, and the first that I have read that addresses the Snivellus incident in full detail. Good job. (P.S: Feel free to vitually hit me upside the head for leaving such a bloody long review...)
Author's Response: This is the longest review I've ever gotten on any website! lol Thanks for complimenting my characterization; tis very important to me. I like how you complimented some things and crticised others; very professional. I'm English too (My blood is more Irish than anything, yet I live in England.) and I say "chill out" but that may result from all of the American movies I watch. I did actually have Severus having a better vocab for that part, though the mods wouldn't accept that because "teenagers wouldn't speak like that" so there's the result. Sorry if you thought the other sentence was run-on. I just enjoy using the word "however." I agree, Remus does have a sense of humour and in my fics I always try to show it. Thanks again!
LMFAO!!!! OMG! That's hillarious! I LOVE Monty Python and Harry Potter, so both was brilliant! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Great job!
Ha, you know how much I love these little one-shots, don’t you? I keep coming and bombarding you with SPEW reviews. Well, here’s another one.
First of all, it’s brilliant. The idea of making it a letter: Genius. I don’t know how you did it, but you completely convinced me that I was going to take over the shop and I must say I was not keen on the idea. I’m not a huge fan of cricket, or tax forms for that matter. Your humour throughout this fic has been brilliant, and it continues to be brilliant. Even though I’m sure Ollivander was being perfectly serious when he wrote this letter, there is a humour that I’m sure only people who understand the muggle world would pick up. ~.0
“At first appearance, your entering this shop and finding this letter may seem to be a total coincidence, one of life’s random happenings, a minute event in the great scheme of things. Allow me to assure you that it is not.” This part amuses me. I love the abruptness of the end: It’s great! It is exactly the kind of thing I feel like Ollivander would do, and I don’t even know anything about him! It was just so sharp and so matter-of-fact that I felt like he was standing there, basically telling me my view on the world is wrong. Anyway, it’s amusing…^__^
As I have already said, I feel like you describe Ollivander perfectly, and the couple of lines that do answer the question that we probably all asked ourselves while reading the book was: “Firstly, you must sever all of your relationships. All of them. All of your connections to life - to your old life[…]What you give up is your social life, your ability to interact with other people, your ability to share a drink, to laugh at a joke, to feel love for another human being. Your personality dries out, and you become Mr. Ollivander.” It just explains why he is the way he is, and it ties up all the loose ends.
And now for the nit-picking, which annoys me too…”I do not dilute the powers or these creatures, with inferior wood.” Nit-picking: The comma after creatures is not needed. Oh, and did you mean of these creatures? If you didn’t, sorry. Thought you might have.
(although I have found a couple of ways to pass the time, one of my predecessors left a beautiful deck of Muggle cards, and instructions for a game called “Solitaire” which I believe involves laying out all the cards in a particular order, but I’ve never quite managed to finish.” Tiny, nit-picking detail; you need a closing bracket on the end of this sentence. Other than that it was quite a charming thought: I can never finish solitaire either, unless I cheat with my computer version. ^__^ Oh, and the way you keep on going, with “The Lost Jack”, “Tax forms” and “Krikkit” is just so amusing. Your sense of humour is definitely your best quality while writing!
Keep up the good work, and I will certainly continue stalking you (lol) and making sure you get attacked by SPEW reviews!!!
At last! Someone gave a reason to why Bella thinks the way she does. I always thought she was an interesting character...
The initiation was so wonderfully evil and lovely. Her family are so biased *snigger* I love it. (Maybe I should be worried that I love this fic so much...meh) Your discriptions were wonderful! Please continue with other people. I suggest Salazar Slytherin or Tom Riddle (before he was Voldemort, you understand) or Severus Snape. Yay evil people! *waves a flag*
Author's Response: A kindred spirit I see. I'm glad you liked it (I must have got something right).
As for the next character, I'm probably going with Dumbledore's Gargoyle. I'm avoiding another dark character for awhile until I can think of a good idea for them (I'm evilled out for a bit).
Since I liked the first part of this fic, I thought I might like this next part. ^_^
This is completely and utterly wonderful. It’s so hilarious, I am sitting in my room giggling to myself. The way he comments on everyone and everything is just brilliant, and I love that he’s good at chess. Maybe he should challenge Ron. Oh, and the password! “llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch”. LMAO.
I particularly love the line: “Celeres quivered with rage, or at least he would’ve quivered if he’d been able to, he quivered mentally at any rate, and after all, it’s the thought that counts.” It’s completely hilarious (as is most of the story…lol) and just gives a beautiful mental image. Also, do I detect a hint of Douglas Adams humour?! Actually, when I read it again (because it was so funny) I noticed it everywhere: the dry, sarcastic, and just very, very clever humour. But that line was definitely jumped out at me first! Great job!!!
You had a couple of little grammar errors, but since this was so much fun to read, my nit-picking skills have decided to disengage and assume that a beta would get those out in a second, so I don’t need to mention them too much!!!
I told you I would read this fic! (I'm Bella Black on the forums...go me...^__^) Well, I really am intruiged so far, and I think the P.O.V changing really adds something to the story. It's seeing it though everyone's eyes, or at least the main characters' eyes, which gives the reader a wider perception of their emotions. A few minor sentance errors I picked up on though were:
[i]After Harry was half way done with his breakfast and decided that he would explode if he forced any more food into his mouth. He placed the dish in the sink and headed up to his room[/i] You should replace the full stop with a comma, because otherwise the first sentence is a fragment. And [i]“Oh clumsy me,” she exclaims pulling out her wand. “Reparo,” the witch mutters as the pieces of glass repaired themselves. [/i] In this sentence and the sentence after, you seemed to switch tenses a bit.
Other than that I really have no "bad" comments to make. I was very amused by Draco's dart extraviganza, because it is the type of thing I do...and thus I am amused. Great fic, and I hope you update soon!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your grammar corrections. I really appreciate your thought out review. I also like the POV changing, but later in the story it is mostly Harry's POV with a little of the others. I am so glad that everyone liked the dart seen. I thought a little humor is good for a fic. I have submitted chapter 2, but it hasn't gotten looked at yet. A little inside information chapter 2: Hermione's POV will be there and you get to see the letter Ginny sent.
Review time!!!
The first couple of paragraphs I love. They aren’t overly descriptive, but they aren’t vague either. The emotion sort of reminds me of how I felt before I went away for the summer: A kind of happiness with a bit of worry thrown in. Very realistic, and I like that I can relate.
Question: When Lily says the incantation with all the names, she doesn’t mention Emily. Is this purposely, or did you forget? It doesn’t matter, either way, really, as I still like the idea of a private compartment. Just felt the need to ask. ^__^ Also, the girl with the red glowing eyes…is it important? Could be, I don’t know. Sorry if it is and I’m being silly, but I was reminded of Storm from x-men. Except that was white and she could control the weather…
Woah…Sirius wants to date one girl? *gaspshockdie* Hehe, I like it. Nice character development, since I’m sure Sirius wasn’t just the school playboy. I’m sure of it. And I also like how you have characterized James so far: Obviously still James, but a little more mature than before.
“Bye, Lily,” he whispered as he watched her disappear. He'd never called her by her first name before. She had never, in all their years together at Hogwarts, heard him say it. OMGosh I love this! It made me go *awww*. Yes, normally I hate fluff, but this isn’t really fluff. It’s just cute. Erm…I’m done.
Hehe, I knew it! Remus gave James advice. This makes me happy. I love the dimensions you have given Remus, Sirius, and James: We don’t know too much about how they were like at Hogwarts, and this seems to answer most of the questions I have.
Overall, I love this start, and I will be reading more. YAY!
Author's Response: Hannah! I already said this... but you read and reviewed my canon pairing! I'm so happy! ^_^ Um, anyway, LOL. Emily's not mentioned because she's only a casual friend of Lily's and she'd have her own friends. X-men!Areia is sadly not going coming back. I am planning to rewrite this fic and try to keep comments from reviewers in mind. Haha... Erm...I'm done. :D Thanks for commenting on my characterisation; I've been wondering about that for a while. Thanks overall for reviewing! *huggles* I really enjoyed reading your review! --Caren
Woah, nice. Goah, I'm in awe at your writting *bows*. It was so descriptive, I almost felt as if I were there myself. And the food...ergh, I was glad I had eaten dinner by the time I reviewed this. But that would be the work of a good author. I love the tone of this fic, which is so helpless and angry, but at the same time seeming to be devoid of emotions. Does that make sense? It's almost as if the character is so hoplessly lost, as you so wonderfully put it, that he has almost given up on emotion.
One minor, minor detail, and I'm sorry that I'm nit-picking: The sound of screams still pierces my ears, flashing pains down my spine while a chilling sensation causes a myriad of goose bumps to rise up on my skin. I think you might need to add a “run” after “flashing pains”. Just a small comment. But 10/10 all the same!
Author's Response: Thanks, Evil! I really appreciate the detailed review especially since you gave me a comment/suggestion for improvement. The sentence you mentioned with I reworded about a thousand times already. And, you're right, it is still awkward. I'll have another go at it. Thanks so much for the review!
So I’ve read this before…but I didn’t review! Which was horrible of me! Thus I will treat you to a SPEW review. Brace yourself…*evil grin*
So, I usually start with nit-picking, to get it out of the way. For example the sentence "Good night, Molly Dear." in which Dear doesn’t have to be capitalized.
But now, onto brighter and better stuff: LOL I love how Mr. Weasley is so oblivious to Ron dating Hermione. He reminds me of Ron! Teehee, yes, that’s a good thing. Sitting up in bed, Arthur said, "Hold on. Molly, one kid at a time! Have you talked to Ron?" Is also hilarious. It’s the sort of thing my dad was spaz out about too, so I can relate. And it’s just funny. ^_^
LMAO…plugs and outlets…teehee. Alright, my parents now think I’m mad, because I’m giggling to myself, but seriously…it’s funny. The eceltricity can only be created when the plug is inserted into the outlet. And this should be done ONLY WHEN BOTH THE PLUG AND THE OUTLET ARE READY!" *snort* silly Mr. Weasley!!! That was probably one of the most hilarious things I have ever read on this site. Very creative.
"Sure, we all did. It’s mandatory for all fifth year students." "Mandatory? Since when are all students required to have sex?" OMGosh…how silly. And really highly amusing. Teehee! "And most importantly, when all the eceltricity is spent and the plug is removed, make sure you don’t ignore the outlet. Let the outlet know how wonderful and beautiful it is. We don’t want our outlets to feel neglected!" created another really funny image. Images of Ron giving an outlet a bunch of flowers…
"Hey, did dad explain that if you stick your finger in an outlet, your hair will stand on end?" George said. Ron’s jaw dropped! He was speechless. "It’s true," Fred agreed. *falls off chair laughing*
That was awesome. God, you write so well. And you are really funny! I think you need to write the Ginny/Mrs. Weasley talk now. Hehehe…
I really love this fic: it’s so original. I like that it makes Rhea magical, but made the setting a normal place. It’s refreshing to see something so original. People assume that the characters have no life outside of Hogwarts or the wizarding world.
Now, thanks to my newly appointed position in SPEW (everyone hates me for this, I’m sure), here is my usual nit-picking. Please don’t worry…I am just strangely obsessed with comma’s…First of all, you might want to change ”it had been a mile and a half hike, down steep terrain, to reach this small sliver of paradise” to ”It had taken a mile and a half of hiking down steep terrain to reach this small sliver of paradise” because it just makes it flow a little better. ”Sara refused to dwell on the mile and a half that they would all have to trek back up the mountain, in order to reach the car” doesn’t need the comma between ”trek back up the mountain” and ”in order to reach the car”.”She wasn't there long, when two black snakes slithered up beside her” might be changed to ”she hadn’t been there long when two black snakes slithered up to (beside is fine too) her”, just to make it flow a little more easily. In the sentence ”her father was playing with Morgan, her little brother and remained oblivious to his daughter's companions” you need a comma between ”her little brother” and ”and remained”.
I’m done with the nit-picking. *everyone dances in happiness*
I love the characterization in this story. It is wonderfully realistic without being incredibly boring. The description was lovely and I really felt as if I was there. I have never been there, but I have been to places that I think look like what you described, and I feel you did the place justice (if this makes no sense, please ignore…).
Great job and can’t wait to read the next chapter!!!
Author's Response: Thank you for the wonderful compliments! While this scene isn't really the story, I thought it would be fun to describe a day in Harry's new life. I wanted everyone to meet his family before I dove right in and started writing the fic, if that makes sense.
I reviewed this yesterday and then my computer died!!!! Oh well…
Where do I start?! This story has already captivated me and it’s only the prologue! The point of view was wonderful and I really got the sense that I was in Harry’s mind, which I know was the point. The relationship between Ginny and Harry has also been beautifully described, meaning I didn’t feel ill while reading it. Normally I hate Harry/Ginny, you see…
The last sentence, when he says he remembers Hogwarts, gives promise of interesting following chapters, and I will be certain to read those following chapters. This has become my third SPEW review project…be afraid!
I couldn’t find anything I disliked about this chapter, and, as most will tell you, that’s rather unusual. You are very talented, by the way, if this review hadn’t told you that yet!
-Bella
Oh, a story about Peter! I am intrigued! Just to warn you, this will be a very long review, because I am now officially a member of S.P.E.W and love to leave long reviews.
First, a little nit-picking: ”A stout short of a man walked into a dark room” needs a comma between ”stout” and ”short”. ”She was an overweight woman who looked as if she had a kind personality but with the strange hollowness surrounding her, she was actually eerie looking” rambles on for a while, and you might want to change it to something more like ”She was an overweight women, an aura of lost kindness about her. She looked hollow, as if someone had drained her” unless that is completely the wrong description. In ”it was just overbearing him”, change ”overbearing him” to ”overwhelming him”. red slits of an eye needs to be changed to his eyes were red slits or something along those lines. Also, just some random comment, but I think it would be unlikely for someone in England to call their mum “ma”. That’s very American, and you probably want to change it to “mum” or “mother”.
I didn’t point out all errors to you, just ones that jumped out. There were a fair few minor errors (comma’s and such) which a beta could help you with. If you want, I could beta for you.
Saying that, I really like this story. It shows things from Peter’s point of view, which is unusual. Normally he is ignored. I especially liked it when you write that he finally feels free from the shadow of Sirius and James. It’s very realistic.
Author's Response: *smiles* Thank you for the great review. I have never had such a long one before. Thank you so much for taking so much time into that! :)
This is the first fic I have read about the childhood of Tom Riddle Jr. (not because I haven’t looked, but I have just never written any). This is a SPEW review, which means it’s nit-picky and annoyingly in-depth. I apologise, and will get the nit-picking out of the way first. XD
In dialogue, you have to put a comma before the name of the person who is being addressed. Because of this, ”I love you Tom would, correctly be “I love you, Tom”. I noticed this error happened a couple of times throughout your chapter, and I just wanted to mention it, as it is one of those more forgotten rules of the English language. Also, after first child, you need a semi-colon when you continue to say their only child.…he is dear, I’ll cherish him forever… should also have a semi-colon after dear.
Next, I have a few comments about the diction you used in this chapter. The writing in itself is fine, but the diction seems a few centuries ahead of it’s time. A common mistake, I assure you. Considering when Tom Riddle was born (1927), fricking would probably not have been a common word to use, especially not for a well-educated gentlemen such as Tom Riddle Senior ~.o. Perhaps change it to blasted or some other equally old and British-sounding word. In addition, Honey is also a very American (and quite modern) term of endearment: Perhaps change it to sweetheart or love (although love is more something a working class citizen would say). Kid would not likely be used in the time period you are writing in. Consider changing it to child. Another minor comment about the time period: The first proper automobile (Ford T) was brought out in circa 1930 (I think…oh, my history is a little rusty, but I think it’s thereabouts), so it would be more likely that Tom Riddle Sr. had a horse-pulled cart. It doesn’t really matter though. XD
However, I do love the excuse/explanation as to why Voldemort’s father abandoned him. Someone of a higher class would be concerned as to how he would be perceived by society. Abnormality is not widely accepted. (I should know…XD) This chapter is a nice introduction to the tortured childhood of Voldemort which I’m sure will follow, and I think you have brilliantly captured Tom Riddle Jr., even if he is only a child.
Author's Response: Thank you for such a well written story. I will try to change some of the things you pointed out because I like to make my story somewhat real. Punctuation will continue to be bad because I can't write. As for the car. Sure the first car didn't officially come out into 1930 but rich people always seem to get a hold of things before they come out. But yes thanks for enjoying it. This review makes me want to try harder to please my readers. :-)
YAY, more Vader poetry! *dances*
Well, I just want to say that that was marvilous. Beautifully written, with a definite sense of Hermione around it. Her emotions were very real, and if I didn't know any better, I would say you were channelling her spirit ~.o
I really like the ending, because Neville does deserve more credit than he gets. Also, I can see Hermione noticing Neville for the wonderful person he really is.
Great job: ten stars!
Author's Response: Neville really became one of my favorites in OoTP and Hermione always has been a favorite character of mine. Since Neville/Hermione is not a ship mentioned very much, I decided to throw it out there and see what happens. Thanks for the review!
This is absolutely wonderful, Vader. I have a slight obsession with poetry, and this was really beautifully written. I love the rhyme-scheme and the simplicity of the lines, especially the way the words are used in such a minimalist way. I do believe that not one of your lines is over four words…is that right? (Please excuse any inaccuracies on the counting of lines because I am very tired) My favourite part of the poem, however, has to be the whole story you tell in the poem. The fact that Voldemort can tell that Harry loves her (is this right? I really hope it is, otherwise I shall feel like a fool) and that Harry worries about Hermione’s safety. It’s so sad, depressing, etc. Also, while this story might have been a bit of a cliché if told in a conventional fic, the poem has made it less so.
As I said, I really love this. It is going on my favourite list!
Author's Response: Wow! Thanks so much for the review! I’m really glad you liked it. Yes, the “storyline” in this one is certainly cliché, I agree. I’m really liked the format so much. My original goal was that no line here would have more than 3 syllables. A couple of the stanzas have four but that’s the most I have. I was trying to keep the number of syllables consistent to keep the flow nice and smooth. Thanks for the great review. I appreciate it so much!
Ahha! Spew review for you! Hehe, have fun reading this. Don’t worry: It’s a big gushy review!!!
First, I’ll start with my least favourite part of the review, which is nit picking: “I still have the scar on my chest, the scar that seared in a pain that I ignored as I realized what I had to do.” should have a semi-colon after chest.
Original idea; the dementor devouring Voldemort’s soul! I quite like that, actually. Your description of how happy Harry was when he defeated Voldemort was brilliant too: Using the patronus to represent his happiness was a wonderfully creative idea.
Oh my goodness, it’s so sad. They’ve won the war, but they are slowly disintegrating. The fame is going to Ron’s head, the twins are no longer together, Colin betrayed Harry, and Harry’s deserved happiness has been stolen by a camera. A sad twist of fate; a tragic outcome for those so brave, which happens much too often. The feelings are so realistic, I can almost see Harry, distressed, broken, alone with his sleeping draught, wishing he didn’t have to feel. The colour and texture of the description is really amazing. And so sad.
Yes, this was a gushing review. Because I loved it. And your emotional portrayal of angst!Harry was very accurate, in my mind. Wonderful work and I hope to read more of your stories soon.