This was a very cute story. I liked your characterisation of Ron. Especially when he was standing in front of her door, all nervous and trying to debate whether to knock again or not. And then when he tried to knock again Hermione opened the door. Such a real scenario. But you were absolutely right about the fluff, because after that it was very sweet and cute. The only aspect I wondered about was the fact that it all went down so perfectly and that Ron did not mess anything up or that Hermione never suspected something. That was the only thing that confused me a bit, since Ron is usually quite clumsy and Hermione figures everything out quite easily and she got major clues in the story. But besides that it was well done.
This was terribly funny. It started out as a romance story but you added a nice twist to it on teh end. I never saw that one coming and laughed out loud. It is so very true what you wrote down. A bit of a HP fan almost has a love relation with teh books, movies and other aspects of HP fandom. You showed that here spot on. I first really believed that you were writing about a romance between two characters. The poetry was heartfelt and the words chosen carefully. The desperation was very clear, especially with the words Waiting, Breathing and Wanting. Very clever piece and thank you for making me laugh!
This was a very nice first chapter. In the beginning it seemes to be the typical R/Hr fic, but then you introduced Beatrix and I just could not help but rejoice. I loved the way you introduced her and the way you introduced her into the story. I laughed out loud, though I must say "Poor Hermione"!
I really like your characterization of Hermione here. She really has it bad when studies do not longer matter to our little brainy witch. I quite loved the fact that she dreamed away and then was interrupted by her parents. This has really quite infected her. I hope she will tell Ron soon, because this will probably really mes sup her studies. It is so recognizable though, her dreams, her wished, so naive. So much like young puppy love.
You have a very fluent way of writing, it flows very naturally. I loved your first sentence: Morning rose and Hermione awoke by the chirping of the birds perched outside her window. It shows great eye for detail and immediately drew me into the story. Your style is very consistent and you haev a great timing when it comes to humour. "Would you like orange juice or milk?" That line was a classic, and so well-timed too. She wanted him to say it and then that questions pops up. Terribly funny. You never once let the story linger and keep a nice pace.I like the developments and stage you set in this chapter. I look forward to reading the next one when I find time. Good job!
I just found this story and I loved your first chapter. It is very compelling and I really like the way you write Draco. His dream at the beginning of your chapter was very powerful. I loved how you repeated the word pain and linked it to Lucius Malfoy in a roundabout way. This really sheds a different light on the father-son relationship. You continue doing this in the whole chapter where you grand us a look what is inside the mind of Draco. I loved the fact that he uses a facade to maintain his image and that he wants to be normal. Unfortunately for the poor boy he has a father that makes this pretty impossible for him. An aspect you might want to watch out for is purple prose (the overuse of adverbs). You are now close to edge of overdoing it, which will turn your story more sappy than you might want it to be. Your descriptions are very effective and certainly an important part of your writing style, which makes it crucial to keep an eye on that. The ending of the chapter was very strong, much more than the beginning. It really hinted at what was to come and how Draco intends to deal with it. Loved it!
Author's Response: Thanks so much for reading...the adverb thing is a habit that I just fall into all the time when writing. I'm watching it more now that several people have pointed it out to me. Sometimes, I don't even notice it.
The relationship between father and son is pretty important in this story and how it unfolds. The decisions that Draco needs to make between what he wants and what his father wants.
Another great chapter! I was a bit confused in the beginning as to the timeline of your story, but then I figured it must be AU from PoA onward with keeping some things that happened in tact. Something I loved very much in this chapter were the three different POVs. All three are intellectual people and observe the situation in a different way. You described the characters very well. Especially Dumbledore and his very vague remarks, which leave you with the feeling that he knows far more than anybody else. And then that article of Rita Skeeter. I laughed so hard. You captured her tone perfectly. I was incredibly lucky... I am still wondering how she ever became such an esteemed journalist. The only thing that made me wonder is why Hermione was not very concerned about what was said in the article. She usually overanalyses everything and by now she must have soem concern about what he is claiming. And another question: Has Neville a bit of a crush on Ginny? You seem to hint at it when you state that he is overly nervous. Lovely chapter and I can't wait to read more when I have time again. :)
Author's Response: Thanks again.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to put in the article by Rita, since it only serves to show why Draco is so upset at the beginning of the story, and about the fact that Lucius is quite vocal about his views and beliefs. But I did finally decide to leave it in. I thought it was kind of funny myself.
I guess I've always viewed Neville as a more nervous/shy character, so this is why i wrote him that way. But I guess what's not stated in a story can be implied. ;)
About Hermione, yeah, you're probably right. She'd be more concerned, but maybe that concern will come out later in the story (I hope). I didn't go to write her unconcerned, LOL.
And another excellent chapter. You seem to have a very firm grip on the lesser characters. I love your portrayal of Pansy especially. Just like Rita in the previous chapter, she is really annoying in her own way and that gets across very well. The repetition of the word tabloid in the chapter also worked very well. The desperation Draco felt just shone through that word, I could just feel him telling that to himself. Telling it over and over and wishfully thinking that one day he would actually believe it to be true. And I absolutely loved teh power that Ginny has over him without her actually realizing it. His feelings were so strong and so contradictory. A slight downside to your chapter was the fact that you had some minor spelling mistakes, for example though instead of thought, but that did not hinder the chapter at all. I especially liked your ending: Just another day in the life of Draco Malfoy, after all. Very strong! You did a good job here!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review, always appreciated. Especially the comment about Pansy. I'm really working hard on her in this story, and am enjoying the way she's coming across so far.
Great chapter! I am very intrigued by the connection between Draco and ginny. She seems to be picking up on his signs, on his pleas. She sees him different than everybody else and even dared to disagree with her hot-headed brother. I love that you portrayed her as a strong girl, as a sister who can control her brothers. Ron was written very well, especially his stubborn comments about Malfoy. Draco's remark about Dumbledore siding with "them" was spot on in my mind. I really think that Dumbledore is biased when it comes to Slytherin, just like Snape is towards Gryffindor. Draco's mental struggle becomes more and more clear. I felt so sorry for him when he told himself that his father would not lie to him and that his father did everything for the good of the world and did not hurt innocents. He is in for quite a suprise. I am really looking forward to seeing how you deal with that. Again some minor spelling mistakes, like and instead of an or you instead of your. Another aspect that irked me a bit was your layout. You start some sentences at the sideline. This creates some weird looking paragraphs among normal ones, which makes it a bit harder to read. However your plot is quite gripping throughout the chapter which compensates it a bit. All in all a pretty good chapter.
Author's Response: Thanks for the thoughtful review. The weird thing is, just recently on my last chapter submitted, I got a rejection for formatting...I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, since I'm not doing anything differently than I did before, and this is 20 chapters into the story, so...I'm going to have to look into it more closely.
The struggle between Draco and Lucius is shown throughout the rest of the story, and I want to make that a part of this plot, and Draco's feelings for Ginny. I feel it causes conflict, which is good.
Wow! This is a very powerful piece you are writing here. I love the way you use words to decribe the situation and surroundings. Your choice of words is very particular and creates a haunting feeling to the story. Add to that the fact that we all know what is in store for both Lily and James and the sadness is just overwhelming. The foreshadowing you give in the little details (the darkening sky, etc.) make the doom that is inevitable even more prominent. I also loved the dynamic of Lily and James relationship. It is quite diverse and it often made me smile; especially the handcrushing part while Lily was in labour. One aspect you might want to look out for is the use of melodramatic words that can turn your story into purple prose. Tinkling, glorious, a world so depraved. They are beautifull words and give the story a certain flair but are at the same time what can make it too much and take away the credibility. But I really loved the first chapter.
Author's Response: Thank you very much for your well thought out review. I'm glad you liked the labor part because it's one of my favorites in the whole story. As far as the foreshadowing, it ends up being accidental usually. I don't know how I do that. ;) My beta mentioned something about my use of the word tinkling, referencing to something I had no clue about. I simply liked the word. I guess it's too late for me since I'm not sure what you mean by purple prose. Are you saying that's what I'm doing or that's what I should shoot for? Your review helped really helped me, thank you.
The last chapter. I started reading with such a feeling of dread and at the same time anticipation. This only grew worse and worse while reading the chapter. I really loved it and it was a pleasure to read. I was quite sad to see it end.
It’s going to be great today, thought Lily. This was a very strong opening to the chapter and it immediately brought about that sense of doom. We know that it will not be a great day, we already know what is awaiting them at the end of it. I felt such sadness while reading that sentence. Luckily you immediately introduced the subject of Harry and actually managed to make me smile with Lily's remark: They might even keep him occupied for more than fifteen minutes! This is such a true assumption. Kids really have a way too short attention span, quite amazing. They can only do things for such a small amount of time before they focus on something else again.
It is the little details that you put in your story that give it that sense of reality, that little touch which makes it different than other stories. For example all the little things Harry does. His speech, the way he acts at breakfast or giggles. The story just comes alive before my eyes. I feel really involved with what is happening. I actually laughed and talked to my scream at Harry when he was pulling Peter's hair. "Pull it just a bit harder!"One thing that slightly irked me a bit was the middle of the story. You seem to drag on a bit. And I know that you mean to show daily life and need things to explain, but some things just were a bit redundant in my eyes. Such as the daffodil gift by Sirius, how amusing as it may have been to read and it really showed the prankster side of Sirius, I was just really waiting for the action to finally arrive and it irritated me slightly. I almost wanted to skip to the end and read what happened then and then get back to read the middle.
One thing that stood out to me was the following sentence: “I’ve decided to name it Wheezy!” James said this but I immediately thought of Dobby and Potter’s Wheezy. This must have been done deliberately I guess. I really liked the reference this gave to the books.A good issue that was discussed and finally clarified was the betrayal and situation of Remus and the way he felt about Lily. I love the fact that she does not find him capable to betray them, that it was all coincidence. But James is so blinded with jealousy that he does not see reason anymore. I loved this part of your fic. It was very intense and showed how many years of friendship between two boys can be destroyed by a girl in a matter of months.
The last part was very well written and interwoven with what we know from the books. What added to the suspense was the fact that Lily figured out exactly who was actually the one that betrayed them just seconds before Voldemort showed up. What followed really took my breath away. The emotions in that scene just ran so high and were so powerful. Lily’s thoughts and observations. So desperate, so real, so filled with love. To finish this wonderful off you gave four really powerful lines that actually made me tear up.I understand what you mean about there being a long middle part. I didn't think I'd be doing anyone any justice if I didn't at least emphasize the normalcy of the day. There wasn't really anything to indicate that they were going to die that day. I also wanted to drive home how happy Harry was, knowing the next situation he would be entering. Considering how horrible the Dursleys are, I have wondered how Harry continued to be a pretty good person, and this was sort of my way of showing how it was possible.
As for my choice of Wheezy, it only occured to me later that people might see a connection to Ron, but honestly, I picked it because I like it, lol. I thought about changing it to Sneezy, but Wheezy felt better to me.I'm really glad you enjoyed this story. I hope you'll check out my one shots and that you'll review. Thank you so much for following this story in its entirety and leaving such wonderful reviews. :)
This was a very nice third chapter. You made me alugh but also feel very sad. The bug scene with Harry was hilarious! He reminded me of my little sister, she used to eat bugs too when she was little, only she actually enjoyed them. Ugh, hard to imagine. I love how you describe Harry as a real little kid, he was reallly alive to me while reading it. Another aspect I loved about this chapter was the way you describe Lily. You really have a firm grip on her and her character. You describe all her little worries, all her observations. Very chilling was the paragraph were you described Hide and Seek. It is such an innocent game, but you twisted it around and pictured it in the sight of war. And then the picture with the little girl. Very chilling, like a sign for Lily to see. The suspense in the chapter is built up slowly, as if you are working towards the moment that we all know is coming. This chapter is a breath of fresh air after the last one that was filled with action. You are doing a great job and I can't wait to read the next chapter.
Author's Response: Thanks so much! You're such a good writer that I feel pleased knowing that this chapter is liked. Each chapter seems to be getting harder to write. I thank Ashwinder for giving me the idea for hide-and-seek. I put the little girl in to drive home the stakes that are involved in this against Voldemort.
You updated! I just found out. And as usual I love it. It is very well written and you balanced action and normal everyday life. Again I was completely charmed by Harry. He really comes across as a kid, he is alive to me when I read about him. Especially the way you describe him with his food. It was utterly disgusting but at the same time so recognizable and adorable.
The way you describe the effects that the constant moving and the threat have on the lives of the Potters and on their relationship is really amazing. It is subtle and very real. Another aspect I loved is the speculation about facts that we already know but Lily and James are not aware of. That gives something funny to the story. I found myself actually talking to the computer and saying that Harry will have a scar when they were discussing the marking bit. Or when they were getting Peter. I was just saying: "Not Peter, not Peter!" It does not change anything, but strangely enough I keep hoping something will change and that me saying that stuff will actually change something. One can hope I guess. :p
Something that really struck me in this chapter was the fact that you referred remus loving Lily. That truly is a wonderful explanation as to why did not choose him and in my mind it is a perfectly logical one too. But I was shocked that James thought of him as the one that betrayed them. I was also very happy that you explained the defiance in this chapter. It made it more clear and answered the questions I had about the last chapter. The only thing you left me hanging with in this chapter is the question about what Remus was doing there and what he was up to. I am sure you will answer it in one of the next chapters. Great job again!Lovely chapter as usual. I really admire the way you write Lily. You have such a firm grip on her that you make her come alive in your writing. You make very real and very unlike any characterization I have seen so far of Lily. There is no romanticizing, no heroizing. I quite like that. Her feelings are very real, as are her doubts and her thoughts. Especially during teh fight with Voldemort. Her actions are calculated and human. Her trembling and hesitant words. I only wondered a bit about Voldemort. Could he really be defied so easily and then sort of defeated by Dumbledore? Would he really escape so quickly and easily?I thought it would be much harder than that. Th real defiance for me was them both calling him by his name. Is that the defiance meant by the prophecy or am I really imagining things here. It somehow seemed so much more powerful than any spell or action. I also quite loved the phrase dangers that lurk in the night. Made me think of things that go bump in the night and that is very true when it comes to Voldemort and his followers. The final scene was so powerful. The sheer emotion in it was heartbreaking. The simplicity of the actions (Harry playing with Lily's hair, the childern's book) made it all the more powerful. The fact that it is not going to last gives it that bit extra. Wonderful as usual. I hope you update soon.
Author's Response: Thank you for always stopping by to review. I really appreciate that you keep coming back despite my long breaks between each chapter. I also felt that it was too easy for them to escape, which is what Lily is constantly thinking about. She's always thinking, "We couldn't have defied him. How can that be defiance? If Dumbledore hadn't come by or if we hadn't had our wands, or SOMETHING..." So in my eyes, Lily and Voldemort see defiance very differently. Thanks for reading. :)
Excellent second chapter! The action in it is was stunning and stood in such sharp contrast with how you started your chapter off. I really liked that combination. And teh description of little Harry being all dirty and doing the same thing over and over again was just adorable. You really captured a young child. And then Lily talking about teh future again. Each time it makes me so sad since I know what is coming and that there will be no future. The action was breathtaking and quite original. At the right time you decided it was enough, since it carried on for quite a while and you ended with a lovely tender scene between the two of them that calmed me down considerably. Really well done! As for my comment on purple prose: it means the overuse of adverbs and adjectives. And I meant it as something you should watch out for, not something you are already doing. :) Hope that clears it up a bit. Keep it up and I look forward to the next chapter!
Author's Response: Thank you for your review! I was getting frustrated because I could see that people were reading the second chapter but not reviewing. And I'm glad you liked the action. I've seen many fictions where the action was too quick and so I was especially aware of how it was progressing. And thanks for clearing that up about the purple prose. I can be really dense sometimes. Effective description doesn't come easily to me and so I can definitely see a potential tendency to over-compensate. Thank you!
Another excellent story. I really liked the the combination of the song and the prose. They actually worked together in this case and reinforced teh point you wanted to make. I liked the fact that you made it centre on duty. Harry has a duty towards the wizarding world, one that is more important than his friends or his life. You conveyed that beautifully. I especially liked: He wouldn't have had to live with the pain, he wouldn't have had to live with the grief. The emptiness. Very powerful words and it is definetely understandable for Harry to think such thoughts. The only thing that slightly irked me was you use of the word pain. I did not always understood why you inserted it at certain moments while it worked teriffically at other moments. An example that did not work in my mind was: the pain was pounding in his chest. It was a bit confusing because you mention the word pain a lot while you also state that he is dark, empty and cold inside, deprived of any feeling. This is very contradicting. But besides that you wrote an excellent oneshot here that certainly painted Harry the way he was at the end of OotP and that reminded me of what that poor boy will have to deal with in the future. Great work.
This was an amazing one-shot. The emotions conveyed in it were immensely powerful. The opening line (I remember the way it looked, the way it felt, the way it changed my life forever.) was very strong and very appelaing. It drew me right into the middle of the story and already dreading what was about to come.
I felt very sorry for Ginny and symphatized with her greatly. The joy, the hope she feels at the beginning of the story is so suddenly crushed and though I knew what was coming I felt my heart break alongside hers. Her despair was so real, so painfully recognizable. Another womderfull aspect of your story was teh fact that she witnessed his ending in a way. It made sense and it also added to the intense feeling of the story. What pained me the most though was that he did not know that she was carrying his child, that he was going to be a father. And Elizabeth was just to sweet for words. I am glad that Ginny was left with at least a little bit of him and has something to live for. Well done! I loved it!
Author's Response: Wow...thank you is all I can say. I am beyond happy that you enjoyed the story as much as you did. Ahhh, thank you again!
Hey girl! Nice to see your story up here! You already know how much I love it. I really love the way you portray Draco and how you reveal tiny bits of his character step by step. The more I know, the more scared and intrigued I get. This creates a nice anticipation and certainly a need to know more. Love it and I hope that many chapters will follow! :)
Author's Response: Thank you! *blows hugs and kisses over to you* And you know that I owe it to your hard work that this story turned out to be what it is now. ;) I could not write this story without you, honestly! :) But hey ... I've got 1800 words finished for chapter 4, isn't that great? I'll write more today and if I catch you online it's going right your way ... otherwise I'll sind it off to Lui. ^^
Excellent as usual. I really like your development of Harry's character. This chapter definetely shows his darker side. I am a bit concerned about the fact that he is starting to hate Muggles, but then it is quite understanding with his experiences with his aunt and uncle. Finally something of his character is showing that is unable to deal with society, with parts of life that he has no experience with and does not know how to react to. This definetely a result of his childhood. We do not see that enough in the books I think and you showed that here beautifully. The way that he is unable to deal adequately with the little crying girl and how he breaks the secret to her. How he obtains the letter from Sarah and is harsh to her also shows the effects of the war on him, the effects of losing Sirius, it shows that it has made him more cold, more distanced. I also really like Sarah. She is very believable and comes across like any other child, nothing special. Really excellent. I look forward to the next chapter and towards the reactions of the Dursleys towards Harry bringing Sarah. I hope you update soon!
Author's Response: Harry’s reactions in this chapter weren’t really planned by me. I put him in the situation and wrote what felt natural for him, and this is what came. Serves me right for writing while in a bad mood, doesn’t it? I’m glad you thought it fit with his character, though. I’d hate for people to think I was running towards the clichéd dark!Harry. And I am thrilled that Sarah’s normalness is coming across to the reader.
This was a lovely second chapter. It made me laugh at several times, because of little comments and situations you created. Especially the mention of Tonks in Hermione's letter. I really enjoy the pace and flow of your story. It is slow and picks up issues bit by bit, introducing them slightly or hinting at them. I got a feeling in you chapter and especially in the letter that you lean towards H/Hr or that we can expect hints in that direction in the following chapters. It is subtle, but it is there. Your characterizations in this chapter were interesting. Hermione was spot on (especially in her concerns about studying) and Harry was also very canonlike. I was at first a bit confused about Dudley and Piers taking over the situation (since Dudley is the natural leader and Piers just a scrawny boy), but in the end it all made sense and even left me wanting to know what happened after the gang left Harry alone. I would have loved to know what the confrontation between Piers and Dudley had been like. A stronger point of the chapter was the last few paragraphs. I loved how you made Snape the voice of his conscience. It really suited the situation and I could almost hear his comment in my mind. Overall a very strong chapter and I look forward to the next!
This was quite a nice chapter. Your title "Plain, Boring, and Normal" made me laugh. And it is indeed quite fitting of the chapter. You really described a stituation that was plain, boring and normal. Something that added to that aspect of the chapter were your descriptions. Your descriptions tend to be long and very detailed. This is at the same time the strong and the weak point of your chapter. It is hard to keep to keep the balance between making it interesting and the story becoming boring when your descriptions go on and on. You are balancing on the edge. Be careful with that. An interesting part of the chapter was the fact that you really mirrored Rowling's introductory chapters in the first two books. It is a good set-up for what is to come. I especially liked the little conversation between Harry and Mrs. Figg. It was really normal and quite a relief from other sixth year epics which focus very much on the loss of Sirius. Good job so far and I look foward to the next chapter.
Author's Response: Chapter two, ‘The Deal’ has been submitted. Thank you for the review, and I hope the action in the next chapter satisfies you.
Hey, it is me again. I just looked over my review again, since I was checking if you had updated already, and I was a bit embarrassed when I saw what I wrote. It was all meant to be very positive but when I reread it it sounded way too harsh to me. (Teaches me not to leave reviews late at night :p) So I am terribly sorry about that. I focused on the one aspect that I thought was something to watch out for and completely forgot the rest I wanted to say. Anyways, I am really looking foward to reading chapter two. You started this story off in a great way that made me laugh and at the same time so eager to read more. Your descriptions of the town and the Dursleys were hilarious and exactly like Rowling wants us to picture them. Mrs Figg also brought a smile to my face. She is a little bit batty, but that is exactly what Harry needs with all the ordeals he is facing. Her remark about Fudge was just too funny and so true. I like the style and flow you created in the story. It is informative, funny and gives a good build up. I hope to read chapter two soon. :)
Author's Response: Hmm….well, I take criticism quite well, so if that was harsh, I didn’t notice. I’m always looking to improve my writing, and I can’t do that without con-crit. I wrote the response late at night--if it sounded defensive it was more likely to just be jumbled. Anyway, thanks for the review, and always tell me the truth when there’s something off about my story.