The thing I liked most about this story was its believable, first-person perspective. As I read, I did get a genuine sense that it was James telling the story, recalling the series of events that have led up to the meeting with this mystery woman. The trouble I always have when reading a story in first person, or writing one myself, is that it ends up sounding too much like third-person, an omniscient one at that. That is to say, the person telling the story seems too aware of the whole word, to broad a view on things to be speaking from his or her own point of view. I do not get that sense here. You definitely have done well with the first person here.

I also liked the main idea of your story, even though it was prompted to be as such for the challenge, and I thought you did a nice job characterizing James as he recounted the tale so far. I believe one or more of Harry’s children could very easily turn out feeling the way James does about all the fame – loving it at first, but growing to hate it. Such a thing can be a powerful influence on a young person’s decisions regarding his or her career and living arrangements. James wants out of the spotlight badly – that much is clear. I thought you did a good job of laying out his reasons.

There are a couple of areas in which I would like to offer constructive comments. First of all, I thought you over-used short sentences / sentence fragments. There are just too many, and instead of placing emphasis on certain ideas, or making a certain thing poignant, it felt like it broke up the flow. In places, it was like the pavement on the road suddenly ended, if you catch my meaning.

To combat this, I think you could combine several smaller sentences and ideas. I think it would have the effect of smoothing out the road for your reader. For example, take a look at this passage:

I had become used to the place well. The weather was bearable, sometimes good even. I had also found friends in other tamers. I had passed the probation period. My wages had been upped. Mum and Dad visited me one month. I would visit them the next. I still sometimes came across screaming girls or reporters or photographers when I went to London, but it was better than before and I was content. Until now that is.

You have a number of very short sentences here and a number of short, quick ideas. To me, this reads a little bumpy and disjointed. In truth, I think you might have enough ideas in here for two to three paragraphs, and when you expand the ideas, the ride might not be as rough. For example:

Though it did not happen overnight, I was beginning to get used to the place – even like it, call it home. After what seemed like a month straight of cloudy, rainy days, the sun began to make regular appearances and it warmed up considerably. I had gotten to know a few of the other tamers and they had taken my under their wings. They had been friendly, helpful, and never once asked me anything about my famous father. By the time my probation was complete, my salary got an increase and I was resolute that I had made the right choice coming here. So far, it had been everything I had hoped.

I don’t know that you would like what I had written any better, but the actual content is not the point, expanding the ideas is. I think you can improve the flow if you expanded some of the many ideas you have and used the extra detail to help vary the length of your sentences and paragraphs.

Speaking of details, that leads me to my final constructive comment. You have several great ideas in the story to which you can add some detail. As you go through this first chapter, you have James telling us about all these things that have happened and all these reasons why he is where he is as we begin your story. Now, I am not suggesting you go into detail about all of them – that would make this chapter very long indeed. I think you could pick one or two things in there though and really give us a detailed scene. For example, what about a detailed scene where James and his father, Harry, leave the house together and are suddenly mobbed by reporters – so much so that they can hardly even walk down the street. Have James not just say he didn’t like it, have him tell us what it felt like to be mobbed. Tell us how he could hardly move without stepping on someone, how the camera lenses where jammed right up into his face, and how all those people where so close he could hardly breathe.

Good luck in the rest of the Third Task, Afifa!