Did you know that fish have a short term memory of only three seconds? That must make it difficult to . . . um . . . Did you know that fish have a short term memory of only three seconds?
You know those special "extras" they have on DVDs?
Well here's an extra to tide you over while you wait for someone to resurrect a moderator.
"The Real World: Chamber of Secrets edition"
Rated R-ish for mild to moderate language and sexual innuendo.
This is the true story of wizards forced to live in a chamber, work together, and have their lives monitored by an annoying MC.
Find out what happens when they stop being polite and start getting real.
The Real World: Chamber of Secrets!
MC: Welcome to The Real World: Chamber of Secrets edition! Tonight we’ll be following an eclectic mix of wizards as they spend an evening in the legendary Chamber of Secrets, built over a thousand years ago by Hogwarts co-founder, Salazar Slytherin. Let’s meet our very special guests. First, we have some of the school’s students: Draco Malfoy, Pansy Parkinson, Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle, Millicent Bulstrode, Hannah Abbot, Justin Finch-Fletchly, and Ernest MacMillan.
Pansy: Tee hee.
Ernie: *keep breathing, Ernie . . .*
MC: We also have a couple of other notable wizards to keep an eye on all the kids. *wink* May I introduce Bellatrix Lestrange, aaaand . . . Lord Voldemort!
Voldemort: Good evening.
Bellatrix: Hey, where’s my wand?
MC: Um . . . there are no wands for this show. It’s in your contract.
MC: Yes, it’s The Real World with bare-handed wizards! How will they all do without the aid of a wand? Let’s watch and find out!
* * *
MC: *We’ve just come down the slide to the antechamber, and they’re just about ready to get started.*
Pansy: Ick! It’s, like, totally grotty down here!
Draco: Open the door already!
Voldemort: One more word out of you and I leave you outside! **hisss**open**hisss**
Pansy: EEWWWW! Giant dead snake! GROSS!!!
Draco: Maybe I will stay outside.
Voldemort: Shut up. *sniff* OK, I’ll leave the door ajar.
* * *
MC: Now that everyone’s inside the Chamber, let’s meet our players. Ah, there’s Millicent! Hello, Millicent! May I call you ‘Millie’?
MC: Ah. I see. Um . . . you seem like a very strong and fit girl. Do you participate in sports at Hogwarts?
MC: Do you . . . have a boyfriend? Or is there some lucky lad you’ve got your eye on?
Millicent: Draco’s hot. So far, though, he’s been too wily to catch. I’m thinking of setting my sights on someone less agile.
MC: Ah. . . . And here are Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle! How’s it going, fellas?
MC: You must be very excited to be here! Are you looking forward to the challenge of braving the Chamber of Secrets?
MC: I see . . . Ah, Bellatrix Lestrange! What’s it like to be down here so soon after escaping Azkaban?
Bellatrix: Well, the décor leaves something to be desired, and who knows when housekeeping came by last. The stone walls kind of make me homesick; after all, Azkaban was home for 14 years. I really miss the ocean view, though.
MC: And how is it to be back in circulation after all that time?
Bellatrix: Well, my little nephew, Drakie, grew up while I was in the hoosegow. I’m kind of sad about that, but I hear he was a right little snot, so maybe I dodged a bullet there. I so missed all the quality time with Volders, though. He used to be such a dashing sort, reciting poetry in the light of the burning buildings. Do you think he still fancies me?
MC: Um . . . I don’t . . . um . . . Pansy! Pansy Parkinson! Why did you decide to come to the Chamber of Secrets?
Pansy: Well, it was like Draco’s idea, you know? I thought he meant, you know, something more romantic? Like, ‘Hey, Pansy, wanna open my chamber of secrets’? But this place is, like, not romantic at all! Hey, Draco! You better take me someplace nice after this!
Draco: It’s not like there’s any secrets in your chamber. Slut.
MC: And here’s the man of the hour: Lord Voldemort! You’re looking well; how’s it feel to have your body back?
Voldemort: After being a disincarnate entity for nearly a decade and a half, it takes some getting used to. Possession, for example, takes a lot more effort. Before, if I wanted to take possession, I’d just flit over and jump in the driver’s seat, and ‘Vrooom!’ Also, the number that you’re thinking of is ‘Pi’.
MC: Um . . . yes, that’s right. Well . . . let’s get started! The network has brought in some artifacts for you all to use during your stay in the Chamber, and you may use anything you find lying about the Chamber. Go to it!
Draco: What’s a ‘Zippo’?
* * *
MC: We’re back to check on our guests. What’s that noise? Oh, it’s our trio of Hufflepuffs!
MC: What are you guys doing in that access pipe?
MC: Aren’t you going to join the others?
Justin: *No! Now shut up and go away!*
* * *
MC: Everyone seems to be setting up their sleeping arrangements now. Bellatrix, you seem to be arranging something particularly cozy.
Bellatrix: Yes, I’m padding the floor with the discarded snake skins I found. I was just about to see if Volders was getting sleepy yet. Have you seen him?
MC: He seems to be talking to Pansy over there.
Voldemort: Hey, did you know that I can read minds?
Pansy: Like, wow! Oh, Voldie, like, I heard that your wand is, like, thirteen inches! I’ve never, like, seen a wand like that. Can you, like, show it to me later?
Voldemort: I knew you’d say that.
Bellatrix: You better not be showing anyone your wand, ‘Voldie’! Wait till I get my hands on you, you little trollop!
Voldemort: Whoa . . .
MC: Well, while Pansy and Bellatrix sort out their differences, let’s see how Draco is doing. You seem to have quite a few blankets here.
Draco: Yeah, I took Crabbe’s and Goyle’s. And also their cloaks.
MC: Don’t you think they’ll get cold?
Draco: They can snuggle each other for warmth.
MC: Um, Millicent, isn’t that Bellatrix’s bed?
Millicent: She’s not using it.
Voldemort: I think Bella made that bed for me. Could you move, please?
Millicent: Make me.
Voldemort: I’ll challenge you to “Rock, Paper, Scissors” for it.
Millicent: Okay . . . Rock!
Voldemort: Ha! Paper covers rock! I can read minds!
Draco: Ha ha!
Millicent: Move over.
Draco: What?! No way!
Millicent: Then I’ll just have sleep right on top of you . . .
MC: My, he is quick, isn’t he? Dang. He’s at the top of the statue of Salazar Slytherin already! Did you catch that ascent on film? Good.
Voldemort: Ha ha!
MC: Ah, Pansy’s back!
Pansy: That chick is like totally whack, like I mean totally! Ooooh, can I, like, share your blankies, Voldie?
Voldemort: Sure, Pansy.
Pansy: Like, hey! Like, weren’t you supposed to, like, leave your wand, like, outside?
Voldemort: I have a spare. Heh, heh.
Voldemort: *uh oh*
MC: Voldemort’s pretty agile as well, I see.
Draco: Move over, ‘Voldie’.
Voldemort: Shut up.
* * *
MC: *Most of our guests have bedded down for the night. But wait! Is that . . . yes, it’s Ernie, Hannah, and Justin!*
Justin: *Will you PLEASE shut up?*
MC: *What are you guys doing up at this hour?*
Hannah: *We’re making a grab for the graham crackers, marshmallows, and ‘Hershey’ bars. If we get out of this alive, we’re celebrating with s’mores!*
Ernie: *That, and we do know what a ‘Zippo’ is.*
* * *
MC: *Yawn* It’s morning again in the Chamber of Secrets. Wait . . . one . . . two . . . where’s Justin?
Hannah: *We had to sacrifice him.*
Hannah: *Fire wasn’t enough to fend her off when she smelled food. She demanded a sacrifice.*
MC: Who did??
MC: You’ve got to be . . . Millicent!! Um . . . is he . . .?
Millicent: He’s my boyfriend. I caught him, and now he’s mine.
MC: Oh . . . of course.
Millicent: What did you think I meant?
MC: And here’s Draco and Voldemort! How did you sleep on top of Ol’ Slytherin?
Voldemort: Better than if I’d slept on top of Ol’ Bart Simpson, I suppose.
Draco: At least I had a cloak. That’s more comfortable than Crabbe and Goyle, at least.
Bellatrix: I don’t know about that. They look pretty comfortable to me.
MC: Well, that all for The Real World: Chamber of Secrets edition. Join us again next week when we do the Forbidden Forest!
1st-2nd Years •
After the Voldemort's defeat in the second war, former Death eaters are still at large. The Ministry of Magic has begun cross-training between departments to make up the shortfall of qualified wizards. Draco and Hermione are involved in a training accident and end up closer than they ever imagined.
The last chapter has been appended. I'm *done*.