Name: Starmaiden (Signed) ·
Date: 09/26/07 21:35 ·
For: Chapter 15 - And Back to Back, They Shall Face Each Other
I’m going to go ahead and throw out all the minor errors that I noticed (there aren’t any major ones) to start with, then try to organize my thoughts.
Softly glowing light spilled from the windows that someone had obviously been thoughtful enough to leave to greet them
This is cute, but it sounds like someone is greeting them by leaving a gift of windows :)
Hermione couldn’t help but giggle, despite the rather uncomfortable way thinking of a teenaged Oliver in relation to young women’s persons in the privacy of an outbuilding was making her feel.
This is amusing, but I feel like it’s a bit awkward. I know why you wanted to keep it all one sentence, but it’s kind of unwieldy.
He could, Hermione pointed out irritably, as it hadn’t been him who had crept into the loo in the middle of the night and half asleep…
You can take out the “and”.
…she grew to love every square inch of the place, for all it’s wonders and marvels.
You don’t need the apostrophe in “its”.
“Tha’s why Golye wanted you.”
“Goyle” is misspelled here.
I mean, what better way to conceal what they’re up to, an’ then they can simply collect it from the carrier”
This sentence is missing its ending punctuation.
Ian stood staring for several quiet minutes as Oliver tackled the remaining bundles, probably not sure if he should tease or apologize, but in the end, left without a word.
I suggest rearranging this sentence—as it is, it looks like Oliver isn’t sure whether to tease or apologize.
Okay, I’m done being nitpicky :) I am, however, going to mention that the ending, with the Malfoys, didn’t work as well for me as the rest. Of course, that might be because I’m really just reading for the romance. Also, you did a really good job of making sure that we only have a hazy idea of what the Malfoys are up to, so I’ll probably get more into that when they explain a bit more.
Starting over from the top now!
Poor Hermione, faced with the prospect of falling head-over-heels in love with a man she’s already married to. Okay, so there’s nothing wrong with that, but you do a great job of helping us understand her fears. It is so much easier to hide then to face them; it’s just not a good idea if you have to spend the rest of your life with this person you’re hiding from.
I love Cot Luchan. Probably my favourite thing about it is the name and Oliver’s sneaky way of choosing it, but it’s a beautiful little place, easily imagined, and lovely for settling in. I like Hermione’s garden, too.
Oliver is such a sweet person. Actually, that doesn’t quite seem to describe him properly. He’s…multi-dimensional. As all good characters should be, and as all of yours are. You do such an amazing job of giving us people who are people, with faults and problems and real personalities.
I love how Hermione is starting to fall for him, no matter how much she denies it. Come to think of it, she’s got quite the capacity for denial, though that comes from her aforementioned fears.
Even still, she stopped squirming, not wanting to make it more difficult for him, since he was obviously determined in this bit of sentimental foolishness, and her stomach was just fine, thank you very much, and most definitely not fluttering, nor was the hand that was now curling behind his neck there for any other reason than to help her maintain her balance.
…and…
Whatever issues she had with Oliver were personal, and she’d be damned if she let them start on him.
*enjoys*
I enjoy the small and random fact that Oliver can’t dig the well solely by magic. It’s a good, realistic touch that makes the Wizarding world that much more convincing. Besides, I like the bit about a sink-hole.
One of my favourite things about this chapter is that Oliver puts a sort of deadline to their relationship. Yes, Hermione might just come around, but she’s too afraid to try it—I hadn’t realized that she would just let it go. And it’s just fun for Oliver to take the lead.
He’d gladly channel all his energies into building her a home, if only he could woo her with his ability to provide for her, take care of her, and be that solid presence in her life…
Perfect. Hermione would welcome the man who wanted to do this for her, but she’s still closing her eyes to the possibilities out of fear.
I love the idea of “Kiss of the Highlander”. It amuses me greatly that Ginny gave it to her. Hee.
About that tension…I keep thinking that you can’t possibly make it worse, but I obviously don’t know anything. Pretty much the only way you can continue to ramp it up is if they go as far as getting their clothes off before you stop them again. This is all said in admiration, of course.
Viktor Krum, eh? I am amused. This might force Oliver’s hand—actually—it would probably force Hermione’s. Yay!
I don’t think you need a glossary. Enough of the words look like regular English that I can tell what they are, and as you pointed out, context makes the difference. (I don’t think we need to know exactly what Michael said anyway ;)
I agree with your beta in that we’d certainly consider stoning you, but not until you finish the story! And by the way, I am very excited by the pace at which you write (about five times as fast as I do). I don’t know if you’re planning to keep it up—I hope you are—but I was incredibly excited when this one came so soon after fifteen.
Amazing job, of course (which you already know, since I had a Consequentially Yours-inspired dream), and I am waiting on the edge of my seat for the next one!
Name: mock_turtle (Signed) ·
Date: 09/25/07 23:47 ·
For: Chapter 15 - And Back to Back, They Shall Face Each Other
excellent as usual--tho I do question malfoy's use of the word "tacky" which just seems awfully...tacky...for such a refined personnage. I'm loving the tension. I'm loving oliver and hermione.
Name: Buckbeak rules (Signed) ·
Date: 09/25/07 13:12 ·
For: Chapter 15 - And Back to Back, They Shall Face Each Other
*picks up a stone to stone you in a good way ;-) *
the tension was wonderful in this chapter and the barn scene was almost wonderful in the way they were finally coming to terms with the attraction only to have it dashed by Oliver's brother that was fabulous! and the kiss of the highlander was very sweet, i love the whole chapter it was amazing! and we're learning more, i can't wait for the next chapter!!!
Great work as always!
*BR*
Name: Tagidi Riva (Signed) ·
Date: 09/25/07 10:53 ·
For: Chapter 15 - And Back to Back, They Shall Face Each Other
Most people know where to butter their bread. I shall extoll the virtues of one of my favorite stories. I am enamored with this story and wait for its updates as patiently as possible. You shall get no stoning from me, just a wish to see more of those scenes. It was so well written and stirring. I can't wait untill the next update.
Name: ladybyrd (Signed) ·
Date: 09/25/07 4:19 ·
For: Chapter 15 - And Back to Back, They Shall Face Each Other
A translation! :D
Name: Her My Own EE (Signed) ·
Date: 09/24/07 19:19 ·
For: Chapter 15 - And Back to Back, They Shall Face Each Other
This chapter reminded me of my husband & myself. Even after several years of marriage, I'm still surprized how a mundane kiss hello leads to, well, a total lack of awareness for anything but my husband. I'm fully aware of how innocent actions can lead to VERY frustrating diversions. Hermione & Oliver probably would have been better off just completing the deed just then. Oh course, Hermione might've just pulled back completely from some undeserved negative emotion. How about those Malfoys & other dark wizards? :P
Name: Buki (Signed) ·
Date: 09/24/07 16:49 ·
For: Chapter 15 - And Back to Back, They Shall Face Each Other
Your writing is eloquent and engaging. I love the way you have mixed a perfectly intoxicating relationship between Oliver and Hermoine with an intruiging return of the Dark Lord plot. Please oh please continue to update regularly!
Name: claymor (Signed) ·
Date: 09/24/07 12:01 ·
For: Chapter 15 - And Back to Back, They Shall Face Each Other
I have been enjoying this story a great deal. I found you as one of Annie's favorite authors and I can certainly see why. It is hard for me to wait for the next chapters. I tend to read a story only if it is marked as completed. I am grateful that you have a fan in Annie. I look forward impatiently for the next chap. Ruth
Author's Response: I'm very flattered. Both by Annie's recommendation, and your reading something you normally wouldn't get into :-)
Thank you so much for reviewing, and I shall keep updating regularly, I promise!
Name: goGinny_84 (Signed) ·
Date: 09/23/07 23:42 ·
For: Chapter 15 - And Back to Back, They Shall Face Each Other
Wonderful! I love the slang, by the way. This chapter was up in time for my birthday- let me just say that it's the best birthday present I could hope for from MNFF. I would have liked a tad more description on the cottage, (what the bedroom looked like, for example) but on the whole this is one of the best chapters of the story. I was really excited after Hermione read from the book the first time, because I figured out that it had something to do with muggle-born blood. So, the forshadowing was really well done. Great job!
Author's Response: Well, happy birthday hon! I'm glad I timed it so perfectly :-)
More description of the cottage? I have to admit, that was one of the things that got cut in the interests of making the 10,000 word limit here. I know, I love to visualize places too, but I appreciate the comment, and I'll definitely keep it in mind in the future! Thank you :-)
Name: Norcalkiwi (Signed) ·
Date: 09/23/07 22:44 ·
For: Chapter 15 - And Back to Back, They Shall Face Each Other
Love it, you write perfectly and I so enjoy reading it. As for being stoned... maybe just a pebble lol Can't wait for the next installment!
Author's Response: *grins* Thank you so much!
Name: yipeyaya (Signed) ·
Date: 09/14/07 18:28 ·
For: Chapter 14 - Temperance and Forgiveness
oooh its sooo lovely..
i want an oliver of my own xD!
whatever... keep writing =) you're amazing!
Name: yipeyaya (Signed) ·
Date: 09/14/07 18:28 ·
For: Chapter 14 - Temperance and Forgiveness
oooh its sooo lovely..
i want an oliver of my own xD!
whatever... keep writing =) you're amazing!
Name: yipeyaya (Signed) ·
Date: 09/14/07 18:28 ·
For: Chapter 14 - Temperance and Forgiveness
oooh its sooo lovely..
i want an oliver of my own xD!
whatever... keep writing =) you're amazing!
Author's Response: Thank you so much!
Name: Starmaiden (Signed) ·
Date: 09/13/07 13:13 ·
For: Chapter 14 - Temperance and Forgiveness
I should be used to you not taking up the new chapter right where the last one ended, but I must admit that I blew quite the exasperated sigh upon reading this opening paragraph!
Poor Professor McGonagall! How utterly embarrassing to be having to discuss this with Hermione Wood.
“While I will be the first to agree that, er, romance between yourself and Mr. Wood is of course to be welcomed, this is, most definitely, not the place for it…
*dies laughing* It is, however, excellently true to canon. Minerva McGonagall will do her duty or die trying (no matter how mortifying the whole thing is).
I love the relationship you’ve built between Hermione and Oliver. I love how they don’t really know each other in canon, yet you’ve started something that promises to be amazing. Is amazing. The excellent slow build up, the tentative friendship, complicated by the marriage aspect – complicated both by the idea of spending a lifetime with someone you barely know and by the possibility that appropriate decorum might not be necessary with that someone – yes. The tension and growing love and awkwardness are just GUH. (This is not good review-speak. It is not properly professional for a SPEWer. But it is necessary.)
What happened after Hermione called Oliver to bed, for instance. GAH. Can you squeeze in any more amazingly romantic tension? (I’ll bet you can, but I’m amazed anyway.) It’s not just the possibly-impending-sex aspect, either.
Moonlight lanced through the cloud cover, dimly illuminating the room in soothing greys and shadows, and the faint cry of a nightingale came in through the open window.
This is such a beautiful sentence. It bathes the following scene is dim, beautiful midnight. And of course, the nightingale later goes quiet.
…now that she was facing it, she could feel her confidence vanish like a summer wind, and no amount of self-recrimination seemed to be able to right things.
And then this. I mean. In the middle of this, Hermione suddenly has a character moment. That kind of thing takes so much effort for me that I really am in awe of how well this fits the entire setting.
I found a mistake! I suppose I shouldn’t be happy about it, but it’s hard – this story’s near-perfect.
For a moment, she almost didn’t breath.
That should be “breathe”.
After ten minutes, Hermione felt a curious whistling in her belly, like air let out of a balloon, as Oliver had begun jumping whole sections of the book; seemingly random choices.
This amused me to no end. I read like crazy and I always read in order, so I’ve got some idea of what this might feel like. And Oliver is studious, if he needs to be, but not a student like Hermione (admittedly, there aren’t many like her). It’s just really cute, how you see them responding to the same situation in such different ways.
I should probably stop putting in so many quotes or my reviews’ll be way longer than your chapters, but I can’t help it sometimes.
Unfortunately for Hermione’s piece of mind, he seemed unable to do so quietly, concentrating on the offending manual with such fierce determination as to almost seem to occupy more space than was normal, which only made it that much more difficult for her to keep her eyes firmly focused on her work.
The tension is back, but it’s so funny – I can picture Hermione trying to stare at her own work and being so distracted by someone else studying really hard next to her. I love it.
Her mood was further forgotten when he lay a familiar brown notebook on the table between them.
I have to admit that I’m not sure what the proper word is, but I think that “lay” isn’t it. “Laid”, probably? (Must go brush up on my grammar skilz.)
The Quidditch scene is amazing. For one, I love Luna’s commentary! You write her so well! For another, the Quidditch works perfectly (I like that you decided to have Harry decide to go for the gracious loss, rather than have Gryffindor do a nice sweep – and you gave Hufflepuff the honours! Very nice), it’s funny, and it segues beautifully right back into the Oliver/Hermione story. Wow. (And on an incredibly nitpicky note, you’re missing the closing quotation mark after Luna’s comment on “lurking Gremlins”.)
Further down, Ron paced warily in front of the goals…
This seems a slightly odd wording to me – “paced” to me suggests feet , which I don’t think Ron is actually using right now. I don’t suppose it’s a wrong usage, though; there aren’t many rules for broomstick grammar.
More nitpickiness: who had arrived the evening before, crowded into the teachers box
You’re missing an apostrophe in “teachers’”.
The Gryffindor fans erupted, as Harry did a flyby, executing several playful barrel rolls…
I think you can take out that first comma. I don’t think it’s wrong, but there’s already a few commas in this sentence. One won’t be missed.
Her words had evoked an instant image of a simple stone cottage, lonely highlands; family. The image came to him so easily, so naturally, he couldn’t question the fact that, on some level, he’d just associated having a home with being back in Scotland, and apparently hadn’t bothered to inform the rest of him.
Hee! The part about ‘not bothering to inform the rest of him’ is adorable (though slightly confusing; I suppose the level hasn’t informed him? I don’t know quite how to say it). It’s very cute, very believably Oliver – he’s so laid-back that it’s easy to understand that he wouldn’t have thought of this. Plus, it involves thinking about their Combined Future, which is a slightly scary idea.
I really enjoy, as I already said, their young friendship.
He would go slow, as slow as she needed, but he was going to go forward, not back, and if backing off slightly this evening was the only way to make her aware of the potential between them, he would find depths of patience hitherto unknown to witch or wizard.
It’s about the sex, certainly, but it also respect and love and dedication. Oliver knows that they have potential for happiness (and other things) together, and he isn’t going to ruin it by taking advantage of her in any way. He’s willing to wait for what he wants. This whole section shows that – I love it!
The pov shift at the end of this scene is well done. I was startled, the first time, but at the same time not startled. The fact that it shifts at all is abrupt, but the way it’s done – just by switching, I think, allowing Hermione to think for a minute so that we know where we are – makes it all quite easy to read.
I was also surprised by the shift to Harry’s pov. He’s Hermione’s best friend, but I wasn’t expecting to get a look from this side. It’s interesting, and fun to see Hogwarts from its most familiar angle again. It threw me a bit to see that the trio still spends all their time together, but at the same time, it pulls the reader back to the old Hogwarts, away from Oliver and the new Mrs. Wood.
Bright patches of repaired stone stood out glaringly against the worn steps of Gryffindor Tower, and Hermione smiled, thinking of the generations of feet it would take to wear it to uniformity again…. Somehow, it was enormously comforting just now to know her stay at this seeming eternal castle would not go without visible evidence for some time to come.
This is nice. It’s different, but it fits with the whole leaving scene. I wouldn’t have used the words “glaringly” and “smiled” in the same sentence, but I can picture how it looks. I like the last sentence, but I’m not sure I understand it – the evidence won’t show for some time, or it will show soon?
I love the ending. It’s so bittersweet. The End. It’s good in that it also wraps up Hogwarts properly; from the war to over-age Seventh Years, Hermione and her friends have finally finished this stage of life – and are free to go on with the next one. Which, for Hermione, means Oliver. Yay!
Author's Response: Thank you so much! Never bemoan the amount of quotes in your reviews - I absolutely LOVE getting your insight and opinions on the various turns-of-phrase and moments, and is always a highlight of your reviews :-)
I liked inserting Harry's POV here, and I'm glad you found it to be an effective break between parts. I actually did one other segment from Harry's POV earlier in the story, so I felt it would be nice to revisit someone 'outside' of the immediate action.
As to the last quote, I'm really, really glad you liked it. The last sentence references the fact that Hermione, along with the other older students helped to rebuild Hogwarts, so the 'evidence' of her stay at the castle is the bits of stone that hasn't been worn smooth yet, because it's new - so it will take generations for new students to wear it to uniformity again. Does that help?
Thank you again, hon!
Name: hogwartsduchess (Anonymous) ·
Date: 09/12/07 15:55 ·
For: Chapter 14 - Temperance and Forgiveness
My heart - I wanted to drop a review to tell you how much I love this story (and my influences on it *coughsplittingchapterscough*). You've developed a style of narrative that is very similar to that of the beginning, but that is more polished. Your writing has grown by leaps and bounds, and though there always those spelling/grammar errors that even a four-hour beta session can't seem to catch, you've really vastly grown, and I can't help but want to *hug* you for the improvement.
The style is still the same, but there is a new clarity in recent chapters that I think truly shows how much you've improved. You were wonderful to begin with, and you are more so now. And you shouldn't be surprised at the nominations; I can't think of a single story that deserves it more.
Author's Response: You are the best influence on this story - and your almost always right, despite my reluctance sometimes in changing ;-p
It means a lot to hear from YOU that I've grown, that I've improved, as I know you miss practically nothing, whether my dreaded then/than demon, missing commas, or humour that doesn't quite 'catch'. *hugs*
Name: mock_turtle (Signed) ·
Date: 09/10/07 21:38 ·
For: The Twilight of an English Mind
please don't delete this story. I love it. I would be so upset if after all this buildup there was no climax.
Author's Response: I will not delete it, I promise! I shall, hopefully, finish it in the near future. With any luck, I shall try to get a chapter up every two to three weeks from here on in. I know this isn't particularly quick, but it IS much faster than my schedule until recently! *facepalm*
Name: rgfawkes (Signed) ·
Date: 09/09/07 22:39 ·
For: Chapter 14 - Temperance and Forgiveness
Ah-Maze-Ing! I loved it. Made me all sniffly and teary-eyed at the last bit though. It was like the end of DH all over again. Just the idea of leaving, it's so sad! :( I loved it though! Can't wait til next chapter. I feel so useless with this review, but I have nothing to critique and it's late and well yeah.
Author's Response: Thank you so much! Don't feel usless at all - I love reading your comments and encouragement :-)
Name: roseblack (Signed) ·
Date: 09/09/07 19:31 ·
For: Chapter 14 - Temperance and Forgiveness
well haha i've finally caught up! ...or not so good :P i really like this story alot and i must admit you had me worried with your last note as well. I look forward to the next chapter :D
Author's Response: Thank you so much, and I'm sorry for worrying you!
Name: ellie_146 (Signed) ·
Date: 09/06/07 12:13 ·
For: Chapter 14 - Temperance and Forgiveness
Wow...what can I say? I just found this story on a lazy day off work and read it all in one sitting! And now I'm back at work, frantically checking for updates every hour, in the hope that I'll have a new chappy to enjoy in the evening. Your characterisation is brilliant, I love the way you managed to change certain canon elements we learn of in DH, but still make it entirely plausible, believable and non cheesy!
I especially love the way you have the characters talking the 'slang' of their countries. It's not Americanised at all, which can sometimes detract from the quality of a story, when the characters are British...and the way you 'write' Oliver's accent is absolutely fab!
And not only is it a romance which has us all giggly and girly, but the mystery is so intriguing, and I'm dying of curiosity to see if my theories on vampires, blood sickness and Malfoy are right.
Seriously one of the best fictions I've ever read - what I call 'book quality'! I'm new to this pairing and let me just say you've made me a fan! Loving it! So please put us out of our misery and update soon! :P
Author's Response: I LOVE hearing that I've captured a new reader. It just feels so wonderful to know that despite being so far into the story, and my rather erratic update schedule, my story still manages to interest new people.
Thank you so much for the very detailed and helpfully wonderful review. It's a wonderful feeling finding out not only what mistakes I may have made, but also to hear opinions on the individual story elements themselves. I ended up puting so much research into the respective 'slang' and custom of the countries involved, it's great to hear that it is not only noticeable but welcome. Book quality? I'm speechless. Thank you so much - I can only hope I can do so well when I eventually sit down to write my original piece.
Name: hermioneharry (Signed) ·
Date: 09/04/07 21:23 ·
For: Chapter 14 - Temperance and Forgiveness
tee hee hee!
I like the talk Hermione got about Oliver's quarters. I wish she wouldn't be so shy about touching him, but I guess that goes with the territory of getting married to a semi-stranger.
Great work so far, I can't wait unitl the next chapter!
:D
Author's Response: Thank you! Yes, I really liked the scene with McGonagall too.