awwwwww.... it just so damn cute! I LOVED IT! i was wondering when he was finally going to say that he loved her! Gosh!
Wow!! That was so good. I especially loved the last word: FINALLY!
oh my god! alsum! hope the 1 i did is that good. fat old 10 for u. :) (i'll have it up as soon as my friend proof reads it for me.) (i'm lazy)
Author's Response: Can't wait to read it!
I ran across your fic on the Recently Added page. I found it to be sweet, but there were areas that could be improved to make it even better .
‘“I knew it!” She shrieked through tears of mirth.’
There were grammar errors, like the one above. The ‘she’ should be lower-case.
“…making sure there were no other Weasley’s…”
Here was another. The apostrophe needed to be taken out.
“Of course, it was bad to have a crush on your best mate without knowing if said mate felt the same way about you.”
I noticed in the fiction that you chose to use the words ‘mate’ and ‘bloke’ quite a bit. I think using these words occasionally is great, but remember to use mostly other words. Overuse of these makes clear that you’re American .
“You’re in love with her.”
This didn’t quite sound like something Harry would say. He’s with Ginny in the fiction, but he still hasn’t told her he loves her, right? These are 16-17 year old boys. While it’s possible that they’ll use the word ‘love’, I find it hard to believe with these two, who’ve yet to give in to more feminine thoughts, would feel comfortable talking about love.
‘Ron shrugged. “Not long. I couldn’t sleep.” He ran a hand through his shaggy hair, causing it to stick up in places.’
This was perfectly in character. You really helped the reader to see Ron in his disheveled state.
“Instead of speaking, Hermione stood and made her way over to him. She knelt on the floor, nestling herself between his knees. Taking his head in her hands, Hermione drew his head down. Their lips met briefly at first, and then more fervently. Hermione felt Ron lift her from her kneeling position to settle her on his lap. He wrapped the blanket around them both, holding her close. Their lips never parted.”
This part seems overly romanticized, giving who’s involved. Why would she, who’s always erred on the side of conservative, suddenly get up to get between his legs to kiss him? Why wouldn’t she have just leaned over to do just that? On top of that, Ron is tall and lanky, and hasn’t been described as strong anywhere…and that’s quite a lift…and on top of his lap? A bit too sexual for this scenario, and while I like Ron…he can’t lift a girl off the floor and into his lap, least of all while maintaining a kiss. Sorry, I know that sounds mean…but it’s true.
“Nestled in green cushioning was a gold locket with both her and Ron’s initials engraved on it.”
If he wasn’t sure she felt the same, why would he have already had a locket engraved with their names? Two names in metal would likely freak out Ron a bit – he’s never been terribly committal too much.
Overall, it was a very nice Christmas fiction, but swung a bit too far out of my realm of suspension of disbelief for it to be too realistic for me. That’s a personal thing, however. I hope you reach many readers who find that this fiction gives them that special feeling only Christmas can.
Author's Response: Heya, thanks for the review. I completely agree that it was a little far out there, but in my defense, I am a hopeless romantic and this is set as AU (I probably should have mentioned that). As for the words Mate and Bloke, I now know that they were used too much but thanks for pointing it out. Also, I'm not American. I'm Canadian. Believe me, there's a difference. Alessa
I think this story might be better served in the simply R/Hr category, since there's no development of H/G as part of the plot. However, it was kind of an enjoyable story. I think it was set up quite well and could be placed nearly anywhere in the Hogwarts years, which is somewhat refreshing I guess. I liked it. It was a nice Christmas-y tale that made me smile.
Author's Response: Well, I'm glad you liked it. I just put it as R/Hr and H/G because it shows both of those couples. Thanks for the review.
This is the perfect christmas story. I am so a Ron/Hermione shipper and this story fitted perfectly. I loved it, absolutely and totally. Please, please, please update as soon as possible. I've also added your story to my favourites. A brilliant fan fic. You're a great author. xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Author's Response: Ah, thank you. It's nice to know that people are enjoying the rantings I write. Much appreciated.
HEY! Your story is so sweet!Really, it is very well written and the idea is nice!I´m a R/Hr shipper and it was absolutely cute how you arranged everything;) Keep on writing and I´m waiting to read the next chapter!:) Ginny216 p.S. I´ve added your story to my favorites!;)
Author's Response: Heya Ginn216. Sorry but there isn't going to be another chapter. This was a one-shot deal. Thanks for the review though. It's much appreciated. Alessa