Name: SingingBird (Signed) · Date: 01/19/07 14:48 · For: Threatening the Whale

Hahaha! I'm still laughing about how Sirius is planning on being a murderer, but as of now he's a fisherman. :) That was great!

Author's Response: I was wondering how many people would catch the 'fisherman' part! I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for the review!

Name: California (Signed) · Date: 01/19/07 14:22 · For: Threatening the Whale

i luv this story its hilarius!! update sooonn!!

Author's Response: Thanks for the review, and I'm glad you think it's funny!

Name: missirish98 (Anonymous) · Date: 01/19/07 13:58 · For: Threatening the Whale

ohh my peanut ... that was absolutely brilliant. i almost went mental. vernon is apsolutely barmy. and i assume sirius looks bloody handsome, yeah?

kisskiss,
petri

ps. i tried to use as many british words as possible -even if they dont make sense- oh well bugger it!

very ravishing chapter by the way

Author's Response: Your use of British words was spiffing! HAHA ! Thanks for the review.

Name: Splatteh (Signed) · Date: 01/19/07 0:27 · For: Threatening the Whale

My sister thinks I'm crazy cos I keep falling off my chair and laughing my arms off. Please update soon, because this is one hilarious, fascinating, awesome, la di da fic!

Author's Response: Thanks! I LOVE reviews like this, and hopefully I'll finish Chapter four soon!

Name: sentiness (Signed) · Date: 01/19/07 0:14 · For: Threatening the Whale

haha this is WAY interesting.

Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you like it!

Name: Banana Shroogle (Signed) · Date: 01/18/07 23:15 · For: Threatening the Whale

Oh...my God, I'm sorry for the too- long review I just sent it. It was supposed to copy some of my favourite quotes form the chapter, but apparently I copied the whole thing and more o.O



Author's Response: Hey, you're fine! Thank you for all of the reviews! They make my day!

Name: Banana Shroogle (Signed) · Date: 01/18/07 23:13 · For: Threatening the Whale

“A whale did you say?” asked Sirius, a wicked grin spreading across his face.

“Does Vernon like whales?” James pressed, catching onto Sirius’s train of thought.

“Well, he is one, so I guess he does. Why do you want to know?” asked Lily suspiciously.

“No reason at all! We were just curious,” said Sirius though he kept catching James’s eye.

“Yep. We were just wondering.” James smiled innocently.

“I don’t even want to know what you two are up to,” Lily muttered.

“LILY COME SAY HELLO TO VERNON!” Petunia’s voice yelled.

“Can’t even walk into the next room, he’s so lazy,” Lily grumbled.

“LILY!”

“COMING!” Lily yelled. “Come on you two; let’s go meet the King of Blubber.” She turned out of the room.

***

“Hello, Lily,” Vernon replied curtly. “What have you been up to?”

“Oh the usual, turning people into toads, catching things on fire. You know, nothing out of the ordinary.” Lily shrugged.

Vernon narrowed his eyes.

“So, how’s your life?” Lily continued. “If it’s anything like mine then you must be heavily brewing the potions at this time of year. Or you could be flying on a broom with a black cat on the back of it. My personal favorite is the wart growing season.”

“Weirdo!” Vernon spat just as two boys entered the room.

***


Questioning the Freak and the Whale by Phenioxsong22
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Author's Notes:
This all belongs to J.K. Rowling!
Petunia and Lily were glaring daggers at each other, both too furious to speak. Petunia, having sunk so low as to make up lies about James, had the hell cursed out of her by Lily until Sirius and James finally came to her rescue. Petunia had been hung upside down, unable to talk or scream due to fast swelling lips. Her blonde hair had been changed to a hideous shade of purple and then chopped off. Then, she was spun around and would have been thrown out of the window if Sirius hadn’t saved her and James hadn’t restrained a livid Lily from hexing both Sirius and Petunia.

Lily had eventually calmed down enough to just clench her wand tightly, (James hadn’t dared take it from her) but she wasn’t about to forgive her older sister. Petunia had been restored to her original state. She was more than a little shaken, but she wouldn’t let Lily have the satisfaction of knowing that. Petunia also decided right then and there that she not only hated magic, she despised it. She wanted nothing to do with it.

Now, both sisters were sitting stiffly on the couch. Lily kept fingering her wand but would stop at the warning look in James’s eyes. Petunia, meanwhile, was keeping her arms tightly to her sides because she felt that she would strangle Lily–wand or not–if her arms were lifted. The thought had actually gone through her mind many times in the past couple of minutes, but it was erased as soon as she saw the wand in Lily’s boyfriend’s pocket. She didn’t want to be cursed again. So, instead Lily and Petunia were content–for now–to just glower at the other.

“Having a staring contest, are we?” asked Sirius with an amused smile, while he watched the two Evans sisters glare unblinkingly at each other.

“Lily might actually get beat, Padfoot!” exclaimed James excitedly. He turned to Petunia to explain. “No one has been able to win a staring contest against her. Trust me; all of the Marauders have tried.”

“The what have tried?” Petunia asked, turning her head to speak to James.

“Lily still wins,” sighed Sirius dejectedly.

“What tried to win against Lily?” Petunia repeated.

“Weren’t you listening?” snapped Lily, crossing her arms and finally putting her wand in her pocket.

“Sorry, I don’t speak freak.”

Lily quickly stood up, her hands in fists. Petunia copied the motion, though she was smirking. Lily really needs to tame that temper of hers. Sensing obvious danger, James put his hands around Lily’s waist, quickly pulling her onto his lap. Petunia narrowed her eyes as Lily, seeing her sister’s disgusted look, turned her head to kiss James lightly.

“I love you,” she whispered quietly, though loud enough for Petunia to hear.

“I love you more than there are stars in the sky,” James returned, kissing her once more.

“Would you guys stop acting like a married couple?” Sirius whined. He had experienced this sappy nonsense for far too long.

“Mrs. Potter and I can do whatever we wish,” stated James matter-of-factly.

Lily smiled shyly, a slight blush creeping along her neck. Mrs. Potter–that sounds nice, so right. She couldn’t help but think.

Petunia, however, went rigid. What did Lily’s boyfriend just say? They weren’t–he didn’t mean–Lily and James weren’t really married , were they?

“Hey, you two aren’t hitched yet, so stop acting like it!” Sirius’s voice interrupted Petunia’s thoughts.

Petunia felt relief seep through her. Her baby sister couldn’t get married before her! That would be an outrage, especially now that Vernon and she had big news… Petunia continued to be absorbed in her own thoughts while the two boys argued good-naturally.

“Oh, I said the Marauders, Petunia,” said James, turning away from Sirius and jerking Petunia out of her thoughts.

“What?” asked Petunia, confused. What was he babbling about now?

“The Marauders tried to beat Lily in staring contests,” said James, patiently.

“Who are the Marauders?” She scorned, now understanding what James was talking about. Lily made another move to get up, but James held her tightly.

Stupid Quidditch made him too bloody strong for his own good. Lily grumbled to herself while James continued to explain.

“You see, the Marauders are made up of me and my friends Sirius,” James pointed at him, “Remus, and Peter. We make up the infamous, legendary, charming–”

“Most girl-chased,” added Sirius with a grin.

“–mischief making, pranking, most worshiped–”

Lily snorted at the last adjective.

“Hard core note takers,” input Sirius

Lily burst out laughing at Sirius’s comment.

“…of girls,” continued Sirius

“–group of friends ever known to walk the planet.”

Petunia stared blankly.

“It’s what James and his friends call themselves.” Lily said, rolling her eyes at her sister’s stupidity.

“Oh. Well, how cute,” Petunia remarked sarcastically.

“Yes, James is cute,” Lily stated smugly. Petunia just rolled her eyes. Lily thinks she is so funny. A dog has more wit than she does.

There was an awkward silence until Sirius cleared his throat.

“Lily, I think you and Petunia need to settle your differences,” Sirius said abrubtly, pulling a clipboard out of thin air.

Lily and Petunia started at him in disbelief while James roared with laughter. He remembered a time when Sirius had decided to be a psychologist after Remus said he needed to see one.

-FLASHBACK-

It was third year. Sirius was formulating his newest prank and was explaining it to his fellow Marauders.

“Now we’ll need the House Elves’ help, but I think we can manage that–”

“Padfoot, we probably shouldn’t get the house elves in trouble again,” said Remus, looking at Sirius sternly

“Never mind that, what are we going to do?” James said excitedly.

“But what if they stop giving us food?” asked Peter in a scared voice.

“They like us too much to stop giving out food. Now back to the prank,” Sirius said promptly.

“Who are we pranking this time?” asked Remus tiredly.

“Please tell me it’s on that Diggory guy because I think he was trying to flirt with my Lily!” said James angrily.

“James, how many times do I have to tell you?” Remus explained in an exasperated voice. “Lily is not yours. She doesn’t belong to you.”

“Yet. She isn’t mine yet. But no one can resist the Potter charm,” bragged James.

“Can we get back to the prank?” Sirius huffed grumpily.

The other Marauders nodded.

“Ok,” Sirius continued, “We are going to prank the Slytherins–”

“Yes!” Peter and James yelled, giving each other a high-five.

“What’s the prank?” Remus asked, now interested.

“We are going to steal all of their pillows!” finished Sirius enthusiastically.

The other three Marauders just stared at him.

“That has to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my entire life, Padfoot,” Remus said, shaking his head in disbelief.

“Did that last bludger hit you that hard?” Peter asked Sirius.

“Padfoot, what day are you thinking?” James asked, already thinking of the details of the prank.

“Why their pillows? That’s stupid!” Remus said, raising his eyebrows.

“Can you sleep without a pillow? I think not!” Sirius replied. “They’ll look like the walking dead the next morning!”

“You need to see a psychologist, Padfoot. A really really good psychologist,” Remus said seriously.

“What’s a pysco-whatever?” Sirius said, confused.

“I’ll show you,” Moony transformed his backpack into a clipboard and grabbed a quill.

“In the Muggle world, they ask questions to see if a person is sane or not. For example: How does this make you feel or what can you do about that?” Sirius nodded, a grin appearing on his face. Remus continued, “Then you write it on a clipboard, and check to see how sane a person is or help them with their emotions.”

“I want to try!” Sirius exclaimed eagerly.

He snatched the clipboard out of Remus’s hand before bolting out of the room.

“We better follow him,” Remus sighed.

The remaining Marauders hurried after Sirius. They caught him talking to a girl with curly black hair.

“I want to ask you something.” Sirius said, looking straight into her eyes.

“Yes?” she said flirtatiously, batting her eyelashes.

“How do you feel about pillows?”

“Pillows?” she asked in disbelief.

“Yes…Can you sleep without them?” James sniggered in the background.

The girl looked at him mouth opened slightly.

“Looks like a fish when asked questions,” Sirius muttered, writing his observation on the clipboard.

“I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A FISH!” she exclaimed angrily.

“Does not like fish,” Sirius wrote down.

“I thought you were going to ask me out!” She stomped her foot.

“Assumes things and acts like a troll squishing a bug,” Sirius continued, his notes getting longer.

“I DON’T KNOW WHY ANYONE WOULD GO OUT WITH AN UGLY PRAT LIKE YOU!”

“Is obviously blind…”

The girl screamed in frustration before stomping off to the girl dormitories.

Sirius turned towards his friends. “That was fun! I think we should open a business!”

Remus just shook his head, though he was smiling while James and Peter laughed.

-FLASHBACK ENDS-

“Sirius, we are not going back to your psychologist ways!” Lily said, finally remembering Sirius’s business.

“Is touchy on topics of her real feelings…” Sirius started to write.

“BLACK!” yelled Lily.

“Padfoot, she’s giving you the look…I’d stop while you’re in one piece,” James warned.

Sirius glanced up to see the murderous look on Lily’s face before agreeing. “Good idea, Prongs.”

He vanished the clipboard before continuing to talk.

“So, how about a game of–” He was cut off as the door bell rang.

“That would be for me!” Petunia said hastily, scurrying off to the door.

Lily groaned, muttering, “Why does he have to come?”

“What the matter, Love?” asked James, concerned. “No clipboard, Sirius!” He added to Sirius as the clipboard appeared in Sirius’s hands again.

“It’s Petunia’s boyfriend at the door,” Lily answered as if this was reason enough.

“And…?…” James motioned for her to continue while glaring at Sirius who was hastily taking notes.

“Well, he’s the biggest, most vile creature ever to walk the planet!” Lily cried.

“Lily, you must be confused. That would be Snivellus,” said Sirius, forgetting the clipboard and lounging on the now vacant couch.

“No, he’s worse.”

James and Sirius gasped, both clutching their hearts as if nothing could be more shocking.

“No one can beat Snivellus’s evil manner!” declared James.

“Or his unhygienic ways!” added Sirius

“Or his creepy creepiness!” continued James.
“Or his slimy, greasy, never washed, unshowered, soap resistant hair!” Sirius said in one breath.

“Well, you haven’t met Vernon obviously.”

“But, but–well, Snivellus still wins for the greasiest git title, right?” asked Sirius, his eyes almost pleading with Lily for it to be true.

“Yes, I suppose he does. Vernon does obviously shower, unlike Severus, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t the most wretched whale ever.”

“A whale did you say?” asked Sirius, a wicked grin spreading across his face.

“Does Vernon like whales?” James pressed, catching onto Sirius’s train of thought.

“Well, he is one, so I guess he does. Why do you want to know?” asked Lily suspiciously.

“No reason at all! We were just curious,” said Sirius though he kept catching James’s eye.

“Yep. We were just wondering.” James smiled innocently.

“I don’t even want to know what you two are up to,” Lily muttered.

“LILY COME SAY HELLO TO VERNON!” Petunia’s voice yelled.

“Can’t even walk into the next room, he’s so lazy,” Lily grumbled.

“LILY!”

“COMING!” Lily yelled. “Come on you two; let’s go meet the King of Blubber.” She turned out of the room.

“We’ll be right there Lils. Sirius and I just have to talk about something first,” James called.

“Yes,” Sirius snickered, “Then we’ll go meet the whale.”


Petunia was standing in the hall, taking Vernon’s coat from him.

“Was the drive alright?” she asked.

“Yes, it was fine, even more so since I knew I would be meeting you.”

Petunia blushed. Vernon wasn’t usually the most romantic of guys, but she loved when he was.

“LILY!” Petunia called again. Where was she? Lily should be here to greet Vernon. The nerve of her!

“COMING!” yelled Lily’s voice irritably.

“Sorry, she hasn’t had good manners since she started going to that school of hers,” Petunia apologized.

“Well, anyone like her probably doesn’t,” remarked Vernon.

He had been told about Lily’s abnormality last year, and he loathed the weirdness about her. It wasn’t normal, and he hated that. That was one reason why he and Petunia got along so well. Vernon looked down the hall to see his girlfriend’s sister. What a freak.

“Hello, Vernon,” Lily said dully before turning around as if to go back into the room she had just occupied.

“Lily…” Petunia warned, standing besides Vernon.

The red-headed girl turned back to face them.

“Hello, Lily,” Vernon replied curtly. “What have you been up to?”

“Oh the usual, turning people into toads, catching things on fire. You know, nothing out of the ordinary.” Lily shrugged.

Vernon narrowed his eyes.

“So, how’s your life?” Lily continued. “If it’s anything like mine then you must be heavily brewing the potions at this time of year. Or you could be flying on a broom with a black cat on the back of it. My personal favorite is the wart growing season.”

“Weirdo!” Vernon spat just as two boys entered the room.

“Whale!” Lily said back just as nastily.

“What did you just say to her?” James’s voice echoed angrily. His eyes were narrowed at Vernon in dislike. No one could talk to Lily like that when he was around.

“Who the hell are you?” Vernon bellowed back as he caught sight of the messy haired man.

“Vernon this is–” Petunia began nervously.

“Vernon, Meet my boyfriend,” interrupted Lily, “James.”

“Boyfriend?” sputtered Vernon.

“Yes, and I’m very protective of Lily, understand?” James said threateningly, walking closer to the oversized man.

“You don’t scare me,” Vernon hissed, his face growing steadily redder.

“Oh you really shouldn’t be scared of me; you should be scared of Sirius over there.” James nodded his head toward his best mate.

“And who are you?” Vernon asked rudely to Sirius who just smiled.

“I’m a fisherman–I mean a friend of Lily and James’s,” Sirius said with a grin.

“Yeah, Sirius is planning to be a murderer when he grows up,” explained James.

Sirius cracked his knuckles threateningly. Vernon lost a little color but stood his ground, while Lily snickered behind James and Petunia went pale.

***

Vernon stared at the hand.

“You shake it, and say what your name is.” Sirius said with a snigger.

***

“After you my fine young pig–I mean person.” Sirius said with another wicked grin. Vernon stormed past him angrily.

“This is going to be two fun days,” Sirius said to himself before following the others into the family room.

***

OMG I'M GOING TO DIE LAUGHING RIGHT NOW! Obviously, I'm trying not to laugh too loud, but you are a genius! And I love Sirius.

The pig/whale references, and the little slips of the tounge that Sirius has are just hilarious.

Soon, I'm going to have to stop sending my favourite quotes in, because it gets funnier in every chapter.

I love this fanfic! ^_^ And I'm guessing Sirius is going to turn Vernon into a whale XD?

Author's Response: You'll see...

Name: Banana Shroogle (Signed) · Date: 01/18/07 22:53 · For: Glares, Glares, and More Glares

“But you made me bald! I had to walk around the school bald for a week!”

James snickered, remembering his payback.

“It wasn’t funny!” said Sirius, frustrated.

“You’re right. It wasn’t funny,” said James seriously.

Sirius nodded.

“It was hilarious!” James erupted into laughter.

***


“Evans! It wasn’t my fault! James wouldn’t let me stay in the mansion by myself!” tried Sirius.

“You caught it on fire last time!”

“You did what?” screeched Lily, her eyes widening and her hands on her hips.

“How was I to know that muggle matches made fire?” defended Sirius. “Besides it was no big deal.”

***

“Whatever you say, Ma’am!” saluted Sirius. He started down the hall before adding slyly, “I realize that I am not wanted when you snog the life out of Prongs here.”

“Black, GO!” yelled Lily furiously.

“Still being treated like a dog. Some things never change…” Sirius shook his head good naturally before exiting the hallway.

***

LOL, once again. And Petunia is annoying. What is so bad about magic? I want to do magic and go to Hogwarts :(

Author's Response: Me too...I wish I had gotten my letter *Curses Muggle Heritage*

Name: Banana Shroogle (Signed) · Date: 01/18/07 22:42 · For: An Angry Exchange and Nervous Pacing

And, LOL, of course you had to bring Sirius. Sirius is the main form of entertainment XD

Author's Response: I LOVE writing Sirius! HE's so much fun!

Name: Banana Shroogle (Signed) · Date: 01/18/07 22:41 · For: An Angry Exchange and Nervous Pacing

“Vernon is big-boned!” said Petunia defensively.

“Yeah, so is a whale!”

***

“I don’t care about your precious whale !” shouted Lily.

***

“Fine. Just leave me here… all alone…with an ENTIRE mansion to myself. Where I can do whatever I want…” drew out Sirius.

“Prongs, remember what happened last time you left him alone,” warned Remus.

“Yeah, he almost burnt down the entire mansion!” squeaked Peter.

***
“I bet 5 galleons James kills Sirius before two days is up,” Remus said with a grin.

“I bet Sirius is dead within two hours , Peter countered

***

LOL! It's hilarious. At first, I didn't want to read this, because I didn't know if it was funny or not, but it is :D

I love the whale references :P And although I don't like him, it's good to see that Peter is pat of the group.



Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I'm glad you decided to read it, and I'm so grateful for the review! Yeah I don't like Peter, either!

Name: HJPCATI (Signed) · Date: 01/18/07 21:29 · For: Threatening the Whale

LOL i love this
i can't wait to see what Sirius does

Author's Response: Thanks! Sirius has many pranks up his sleeve...

Name: Ashes_to_Ashes (Signed) · Date: 01/18/07 21:02 · For: Threatening the Whale

I thought it was funny, especially the flashback. And when Sirius said he was a fisherman, that was funny. Keep writing!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! Chapter four is coming along nicely!

Name: ginnyp_harryp (Signed) · Date: 01/18/07 21:02 · For: Threatening the Whale

OMG
james said that sirius wanted to be a murderer when he grew up...
AND HE WAS CONVICTED OF BEING A MURDERER!
*gasp*.

Author's Response: I know, total coincidence, right? ;)

Name: Her_mi_o_ne 16 (Anonymous) · Date: 01/18/07 20:58 · For: Threatening the Whale

LOL!!!!!!!!!!
I loved this chatper!!!!!!!!
My favourite part: “Looks like a fish when asked questions,” Sirius muttered, writing his observation on the clipboard.

“I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A FISH!” she exclaimed angrily.

“Does not like fish,” Sirius wrote down.

“I thought you were going to ask me out!” She stomped her foot.

“Assumes things and acts like a troll squishing a bug,” Sirius continued, his notes getting longer.

“I DON’T KNOW WHY ANYONE WOULD GO OUT WITH AN UGLY PRAT LIKE YOU!”

“Is obviously blind…”

You are amazing, simply AMAZING!!!!!!!!
I LOVE THIS STORY!
(and you better update it soon!!!)
;)


Author's Response: It's reviews like this that make an author never want to stop writing! I can't thanks you enough for such high praise!

Name: krumflies11392 (Signed) · Date: 01/18/07 20:03 · For: Threatening the Whale

Great chapter! I laughed out load about 3 times! Hilarious! Certainly can't wait for more!

Author's Response: Thanks! And I'm still waiting for your chapters! Is Pot O' Love in Queue?

Name: swthrt890 (Signed) · Date: 01/15/07 16:00 · For: Glares, Glares, and More Glares

please validate... i wanna read the story

Author's Response: I'm hoping it validates as well! Thanks for the review!

Name: Magical_Lily (Signed) · Date: 01/02/07 10:29 · For: Glares, Glares, and More Glares

Petunia Is Just SOOOOOOOOOOOOO
RUDE!
THat was a very good chapter can't wait for more

Author's Response: She is a nasty piece of work! Thanks for the review; hopefully chapter three will be completed soon!

Name: beautifulromantic (Signed) · Date: 01/01/07 19:26 · For: Glares, Glares, and More Glares

God, you just can't help but hate Petunia after that chapter. I hope Vernonn comes soon.

Author's Response: He'll arrive next chapter! Thanks for the review!

Name: hgfanatic (Signed) · Date: 01/01/07 13:03 · For: Glares, Glares, and More Glares

lol wow i love this story! so fun!
update update!

Author's Response: Thank you! Reviews like this just make my day!

Name: Her_mi_o_ne 16 (Anonymous) · Date: 12/31/06 16:58 · For: Glares, Glares, and More Glares

So funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for updating!
I loved the last bit.
Can't wait for the next chapter! *hint hint*

Author's Response: Thanks! I'm almost done writing it, and Thank you for reviewing!