Name: GringottsVault711 (Signed) · Date: 04/27/08 14:34 · For: Chapter Six - Conversations over Curses

Charlie, while by no means a bad dueller, was more of a hands-on man... - *giggles* Is he really? My dear, I almost wish to to challenge you to write a whole chapter of V&V with nothing to inspire the imaginations of us Charlie/Lucas shippers. Just to see if it's possible. I don't think it really can be done, considering how little it takes to catch the attention of my imagination.

Nowadays, he didn’t have to make an effort to be aware of even the slightest shift in his friend’s emotions... - I read that, and had to stop and think. It suddenly seemed so familiar, like it reminded me of someone else. And, then, !, I realised - JASPER! It's not quite the same thing, of course, but it's so very similiar. Hee.

...the whole wizarding world was still obsessed with learning about his whereabouts. Oh, an opportunity for me to be useful in this review. The use of 'about' and 'whereabouts' so close together makes for some awkward repetition. Here, it might have been better to say '...with learning of his whereabouts,' or '...with discovering his whereabouts.' There's always more than one way to say things.'

What interested him was to know what he was like, the young man whom Katie Bell had found worthy of her time and affection. I really like this line. It gives me a sudden rush of Katie's feelings for Harry. But, more importantly, it's an interesting way of characterising Lucas, as well as showing us who Harry Potter is in the PoV we're looking through. He's not The Boy Who Lived or The Chosen One, but someone who is of personal importance to the new people in Lucas' life. And, the phrasing shows a high esteem for Katie, which makes me happy.

Thinking it would be sad to see Charlie with a sore back... - *giggles again* No. We wouldn't want that, would we? >.>

"...someone who knows to appreciate the good things in life.” - Am I allowed point out that this is not a trait anyway connected with the Hufflepuff house and is utterly random and seems to be a reference to a certain Hufflepuff I know. *ahem*

"...I wonder who would bore the other to death first?" - This line makes me laugh out loud. There are some other good ones, but this is hilarious. :D

“Not necessarily, I don’t think. I can understand motivation, and I can understand doing everything in your power for a cause, or a person. What I don’t get are the things that motivate them.” - Oooh, I think this is my favourite part in the chapter. It really says something. I would have liked to have seen them talk about it more. Though, I think that would have been hard to do, since it directly leads into the Charlie's explaination about the man he killed. But, still, I'd have liked to seen more of their contemplation of this. I definitely agree with Charlie, and I think the way you put this was perfect. *applauds*

This chapter was very interesting and unexpected. It sort of seems like an interlude because it has such a distinct style that is so seperate from the other chapters. I really love dialogue, and I imagine a lot of people feel the same way. It was a great way of giving us information, and characterisation, as well as developing the Charlie-Lucas dynamic. (Look, I even used a hyphen instead of a slash!) I like that nothing actually happens, but it's still interesting and it still drives the reader to get to the end, because the conversation is so wonderful. It's sort of like a conversation from His Dark Materials or The Republic; something that goes into ideas and does more than just relay information important to the plot.

I would have preferred it longer (most things are better longer, after all!), but it was quite enjoyable anyway. I am admittedly completely ready for some rising action, now. (Oh, dear, I've gone and put my mind totally in the gutter, because I've considered that phrase several times while writing this paragraph and that's the first time I gave a little snicker.) *ahem* Anyway. Lovely chapter, and I'm really going to try and make my next review smut free. >.>

Name: jenny b (Signed) · Date: 04/13/08 20:17 · For: Prologue – Part Two

Here’s a nice SPEW Buddy review for you, Anna.

First of all, this story is so unique. I have never come across a fanfic featuring an illegitimate child before, and you’ve managed to tie it into the Potterverse so well, despite the nature of the books. Lucius is the ideal character for this story, and you’ve kept him really IC. The setting of this story, in a perfect, pureblood household, is just perfect. It’s a collision waiting to happen.

I really like the title of your fic. It just grabs your eye immediately. I really envy people who can think up such great titles for things, because mine are always appalling. :]

Grace is such a fabulous character. In the first part of the prologue, she seemed so mysterious and elusive, but in this chapter she seems to have let her guard down, and she has a nicer, motherly side to her. It’s actually very like full Veelas, but I don’t know if you did that on purpose or not.

You have a very interesting way of writing. I don’t really know how to explain it, but it’s just so different to what you normally see. I don’t mean that in a bad way, though. It’s wonderful, and you capture the scene and the characters really well. If I didn’t know, I would never have been able to tell that English wasn’t your first language.

An odd, most unfamiliar, feeling of gloom came upon him as he watched the scroll blacken, crumple and disappear.

This is what I mean. You describe everything so vividly, and it makes your writing amazing. I loved this line. It’s the little details like this that draw me into a story, and make me want to read on.

I’m really interested to see where this fic is headed. I want to know what you’re going to do with Lucas. I can’t imagine someone never knowing their father, and then not having any interest at all in seeing him. It doesn’t seem like Grace has badmouthed Lucius or anything, so surely Lucas would want to meet him? I know I would. Then again, with Lucius and Grace as his parents, he’s going to be a very unusual character.

Anyway, this is an amazing story so far, Anna, and I don’t have a word of criticism. At least now I’m not the only SPEWer left who hasn’t read this fic! :]

~Jen

Name: Roommate of the Quillster (Signed) · Date: 02/24/08 17:15 · For: Chapter Four - Relatives and Revelations

I know you have a million reviews, and many of them are lovely SPEW reviews which have probably already told you the same thing, but it can’t hurt to hear my opinion as well, eh? I thought not. And I’m also well aware that this is not your most recent chapter, but this chapter just begged for me to respond to it, so here goes…

Bwahahaha!!! Anna! This is AMAZING! Yes, That was my completely honest first reaction to your story. So, now on to the why because that’s the part that will give you warm fuzzies (I hope) and lets you know why I’m beyond thrilled to have finally read this whole story.

First, I must confess one thing I always notice on stories is how people portray characters. Particularly minor characters — it’s like a magnet for my attention. And, oh my, how I love your interpretation of Aunt Muriel. The detail of the Healers Carriage bringing her home, and the quite impish attitude she has toward everyone there is perfect! It’s an excellent interpretation of the only explanation we get about auntie Muriel and her kisses. How lovely of you to show this to us in such a brilliant way.

Also, I love how absurdly tender and underlying the loving relationship is between Charlie and Muriel. How she always refers to him as Charles. And even though she drives him crazy, he cares for her, and though you don’t say it, it may be one of the few reasons she’s still alive.

I thought this chapter was beautifully written. And what an excellent comic relief it was for your emotionally driven story. But the amazing part is you pull us right back in to the heat of the moment so subtly and effortlessly like you always do when you write.

Anna, you, I have decided from reading this story, are the master of subtleness. The tiny details you think to throw in do not distract the reader from anything. Everything you choose to put in your story only enhances it and brings out some amazing concoction you’ve brewed in your head to share with the rest of us. For example:

“Who?” Lucas had asked, thinking for a moment that Charlie was referring to Tonks.

-giggles- This is perfect. She’s not even in the scene and it’s funny, but not distracting. :) How lovely.

“They decided this would be a good place for him, while they’re off doing… whatever they’re doing.”

Again, you brought us Crookshanks. How entirely delightful. But at the same time, it’s an excellent subtle reminder of the big picture — what’s actually happening in the world at this time.

But the hour was too early and the sheets were too soft for crucial discoveries

What a fantastic description. Not only does this make you understand what it’s like; I can actually feel inside myself what it means to be wrapped in soft sheets, unable to really grasp whatever it is my brain will eventually discover. I love it when something tangible makes me move in a way I can’t explain. Congratulations for making me connect it so perfectly in my body that I have to move and shift under those sheets.

“INSIDE, Charles!” Muriel commanded, and with an ill-concealed grin Charlie winked at the Healer and began to climb the stairs.

I’m not sure I can say anything more about this scene other than I loved it immensely. And the whole scene, not just this line, is on my personal top ten favorites list of perfect scenes. :D

Gah! I’m going to end up quoting your entire chapter if I keep picking out lines/refinding lines I loved and missed. That’s how masterful your use of subtleness is my dear Anna. I just cannot reiterate how enthralled I am by this story. And it’s all due to your expertness at commanding things. Excellent work my dear.

Name: Roommate of the Quillster (Signed) · Date: 02/24/08 17:13 · For: Chapter Four - Relatives and Revelations

>.> I know you have a million reviews, and many of them are lovely SPEW reviews which have probably already told you the same thing, but it can’t hurt to hear my opinion as well, eh? I thought not. And I’m also well aware that this is not your most recent chapter, but this chapter just begged for me to respond to it, so here goes…

Bwahahaha!!! Anna! This is AMAZING!

Name: GringottsVault711 (Signed) · Date: 02/24/08 2:10 · For: Chapter Five - Maiming and Mending

Okay. *glances at word document full of quotes from the chapter* This might go more like a running commentary than an actual review. >.>

“It flapped a little on the table, caught by the October breeze, so he put the black bottle on top.” I really like this little bit of description; it’s yet another bit of lovely imagery that you provide, but that phrase ‘October breeze’ is just a fabulous little way of letting the reader know or reminding them the setting. I love things like that :)

Unaware of doing so, he instantly assumed his writing position, with chin resting against his left hand, and the tip of the feather quill brushing pensively back and forth over his lips. *grins* What a lovely little quirk. It seems so… familiar ;) But, also, I think it sets a lovely picture, particularly with the quill brushing his lips. I’m admittedly more of a Lucas/Charlie shipper than Jenna/Lucas, but I still appreciate the slight sensuality, because I think it allows me not just the read and imagine, but also to feel.

Another rush of wind whirled through his hair and thoughts. I mainly just really liked this line; but also, I love how you emphasise the weight of his thoughts by mixing them with reality; you have a tangible element of nature mixing with a tangible part of Lucas, as well as the abstract part of his thoughts… it would be different if it was just the ‘wind whirled through his thoughts’; the inclusion of the ‘hair’ really ties it into the physical world.

As it was, he felt like an intruder, a burden, like some evil that Charlie and his aunt were forced to keep in their house even though they would much rather not. I really relate to Lucas here. I’ve felt this many times in my life. Like I’m somewhere I don’t belong, where I’m not wanted. It’s very uncomfortable and it makes you feel horribly self-aware. So, I definitely connect with him here and it makes me feel sort of sad that he should feel that. His problems aren’t overwhelming, but it isn’t good to feel discomfited in your current circumstances. Which leads to…

Xerxes hooted then, and Lucas opened his eyes. No, of course that wouldn’t work. Once he had helped a convicted criminal to escape, he would be inevitably connected with and tied to that person. Another nice touch, because I think it must ring true for most people. We get so carried away with the solutions in our mind, sometimes we need someone to hoot at us drag us back to reality and say ‘No, that’s really not any better.’

Not the very best one, of course, but we can’t all be Gryffindors like Charles and myself here, can we?” Sort of amused me that you included the tidbit of her being a Gryff. My first thought was to be doubtful; and, I tried to sort her myself. But, unfortunately, the house for ‘brittle’, stubborn, closed-minded, self-centred people doesn’t actually exist, which is a shame because I can never seem to fit them into any of the other four. I did resign myself to thinking that perhaps she has a bit of braveness to her; she is, after all, allowing the Order to make significant use of her home.

Lucas, filled with Charlie’s embarrassment, could barely contain his amusement. For a moment he felt close to the red-head again, and dared to look straight at him. It was a mistake. The brown eyes met Lucas’ grey, opening up a wide passageway for the doubt, suspicion and disappointment that filled Charlie. Lucas’ mood shifted at once from reasonably good to thoroughly miserable. Charlie, severing the connection, turned to Muriel. *covers eyes* How can someone so tortured by awkward, uncomfortable situations right something so PAINFUL? Agh! But, *applauds*, because also so realistic and full of unresolved sexual tension.

“Yes, of course, Auntie. Blood is thicker than water, you know. Or what do you think, Mr Malory?” /“Perhaps blood is thicker than water, but as far as I’m aware, a wizard needs both to live.” The first line: ouch. But it’s full of that Weasley icy ferocity that some of them seem to possess at times. And, Lucas’ response WINS. I just… I hate it when people simply accept idiomatic expressions or proverbs or well-know quotes by successful, intelligent people. I mean, if you’ve given thought to it and agree with it, fine; but I lovelovelove Lucas for standing up for himself here, and arguing with that. And so well, too! I think it’s an excellent point, and rather Ravenclaw of him.

Though, then you go on to say ‘Lucas didn’t exactly agree with her’ and for me, that… I don’t know. It seemed rather Lucasesque, but it also reminded me strongly of you and how you sometimes say clever things, but then try to point out that you don’t think they’re clever. I’m sure most readers wouldn’t pick up on this, and they’d just see it as a character thing. I think that a big aspect of Lucas character is shaped by the part of you that doesn’t like to own to be being clever very often. Because he is, after all, a Ravenclaw, and he is an intelligent sort of fellow, but the more I read of him, the more I feel that his modesty is mingled with assertiveness. And, he could just be a complex sort of fellow, but it’s hard to make out what he is, or what you intend him to be. I don’t know if you seekritly want to make him complex in that way, or if he’s naturally that way; or if perhaps you’re intentions for him are being held back by your own apprehension of owning up to cleverness. As a reader, I’d like to gain a better idea of Lucas’ acknowledgement – or lack thereof – of his own intellect. I can’t be sure if this is praise or criticism I’m offering; I think it’s just an observation of the character and the author and you can do with it what you will? Yes. I think so.

Calmly, as if about to light a fire for tea water. This caught my eye because I was thinking, ooh, I’d like to heat tea water by fire. Just for the lovely novelty of it, I think. Though, once I’d stopped to think about it, I started to wonder if wizards would use fire to boil water for tea? Now and then, Lucas seems to be more aware of Muggles than one would expect him to be. But, after that fleeting thought, I continued to wonder about what methods and spells wizards might use in their tea-making. I’m hopeless, really.

“Mr Malory! What in Mungo’s name are you of all people doing here?” I LOVE wizardisms; well-done wizardisms, that is. And this is lovely; and so Madam Pomfrey. Not just the ‘What in Mungo’s name’ bit, but the whole reaction is fabulous and so very Poppy :D

I’m actually going to skip forward with a couple of quotes and thoughts before leading into my last little reader-response thing (because I assure you, the last thing I have to say is a show stopper and can’t actually be followed by anything.) First: Charlie was fervently chopping away at large pieces of wood, shirtless in spite of the bitter wind. /“All right, all right, I think I see your point. But I had some pent up energy that just had to be released.” *snort* Totally shameless, älskling. Is there any need for him to be shirtless? Really? Are you honestly telling me that the Charlie/Lucas is all unconscious on your part? I’ll pretend I believe you.

Also, one thing that occurred to me when reading was – where’s Harry? I mean, I just realised it was really strange that Katie was that close to death and Harry’s absence wasn’t even wasn’t explained. Anyone who knows Harry knows he would have wanted to be there unless something was preventing him. And though Lucas doesn’t know him, I think it would still occur to him that a person would be concerned if their loved one was in mortal peril, and he might wonder or ask for an explanation, or perhaps overhear a snipped of someone wondering if Harry should be reached and either that it was not possible or that someone might try and contact him, or maybe the just didn’t want to worry him, or something along those lines. I guess it’s not overly important; but, to me, it feels like it’s worth a mention; if not just to add a bit to the situation, than to catch the reader’s eye with a hint of Harry’s absence.

Continuing on with Katie (who I do adore even in the brief glimpses of her this chapter), the description of the injury is just perfect. It wasn’t overdone, like ‘blood blood everywhere oh noes!’ but it was just enough to make me worry and realise how terrifying it must me and make my stomach turn a little.

Now, that one last thing?

“Well, let me tell you something. Life isn’t that simple! We don’t choose who to have close relationships with — it just happens.” Okay. This may possibly be the biggest compliment anyone will ever receive from Jenna in a fan-fiction review, but: I love Tonks. I love her! Love. Yes, I said it. I said ‘I love Tonks.’ On one hand, yes, your Tonks. But, I don’t want to just say that, because I don’t feel like you just took a character I despise and turned her into a character I love. What you did was take a character I despise and emphasise actual existing traits in her to make me love her. This is the Tonks I appreciate – the one who wouldn’t let Remus turn away from love just because he thought he was ‘too old, too poor, too dangerous’. The Tonks that believes in love and accepts it and commits to it and won’t make excuses for it. And the Tonks that doesn’t wonder about whether to speak up, but who turns around and doesn’t waste any time saying exactly what she feels. And, ah! You know what? I want you to write more of her! I’m looking forward to her presence in this story, I’m looking forward to her and Remus. Oh, *hugs them*.

Yes, I think I’ve outdone myself. This is a long review, in which I’ve made a couple attempts at helpful feedback, as well as announced love for Tonks and an express desire to see more of her and the Remus/Tonks pairing. Perhaps this is just a dream… >.> But no, I assure you that despite the hour, my brain is working perfectly. ;) Am looking forward to more V&V, dear.

Name: Merlynne (Signed) · Date: 02/12/08 16:11 · For: Chapter Five - Maiming and Mending

Great chapter! It's been a long time in coming, but the wait was definitely worth it. Lucas Mallory definitely is a very interesting character, and you've got a dynamic and absorbing plot. I can't wait to find out what happens next! (I adore Muriel, by the way. You've drawn a perfect portrait of the regal old bat who for some reason gets her way no matter what.) You mention your "Swedishness" in the AN. I've just got to say; you write better English than more people who speak no other language. I'd never had guessed it if you hadn't mentioned it. I'm impressed. Great writing, great story. AU is delicious.

Name: GreyLady (Signed) · Date: 02/08/08 19:50 · For: Chapter Five - Maiming and Mending

Hello, my dear Anna. I'm inforgiveably late reviewing this latest chapter, because it's really wonderful. My congratulations to you and Lucas on the QSQ, once again; you really deserved it. He's a truly complex character. With too many characters in stories, I sometimes feel as though I know everything about them after only a few paragraphs, but Lucas constantly reveals new layers. He's reserved, but he has a remarkable gift for empathy. He's very quiet and formal, but he can be very cleverly witty (“Perhaps blood is thicker than water, but as far as I’m aware, a wizard needs both to live.”), and he obviously cares deeply about others. Sometimes, I have to admit that he puzzles me. He seems so unlike his mother and his father, for instance. I also paused a moment when he signed the letter to his grandfather with “love” instead of something akin to “yours,” because he seems to reserved. However, he's intriguing and I think I'm starting to feel a kind of tenderness toward him. I'm definitely looking forward to getting to know him better as the story progresses.

It was also lovely to see Katie. I really love your characterization, and I'm also eager to see more of her.

Something that I've noticed about your writing is that it icludes a lot of details. As Laurence Sterne once: “digressions, incontestably, are the sunshine, the life, the soul of reading!” However, sometimes it becomes just a little bit tedious. It's just something to watch out for in excess, because on the whole it's quite enjoyable. I loved your description of the dining room because it made it gave the scene a somehow more comfortable and tangible atmosphere. It reminded me of something that I once read Jo quoted as saying, that in one of her favorite books as a child she always found it very satisfying that the author would describe what her characters were eating, and that's why she did as well.

Your writing is also detailed in the sense that you obviously put a lot of effort into every aspect and detail of the story. I loved that Madame Pomfrey said “what in Mungo's name!” It makes for a very rich and enjoyable reading experience.

Sometimes I feel like you're telling instead of showing what a charctar is feeling, but not that often. You indirectly showed Maximilian's concern very subtly and perfectly. Again, just something to keep an eye out, but not really to worry about.

And for a rather inadequate conlcusion, I'd like to point out a small error: “All the doubt and ill feelings for Lucas temporarily from his mind, it was easy to single out regret, anxiousness, guilt, sadness, worry.” I think “anxiousness” should be “anxiety.”

A great chapter, Anna. I can't wait to read the next! *loves*

Name: electronicquillster (Signed) · Date: 02/05/08 0:26 · For: Chapter Five - Maiming and Mending

You know, I think that Maximillian and Lucas are amazing pillars among men. Lucas is still very young, but he just feels unlike most of those around him, and though he is a bit unsure now and then, I respect him very much. I also mention Maximillian because of the letter exchange between he and Lucas. Though his grandfather is a strong, respectable men, not one to wear his heart on his sleeve, it is obvious again in just this small note - as it has been whenever he shows up in the story - that he loves his family very much, especially young Lucas. He'd do anything to protect them. This fact is so tangible, and yet you haven't spent paragraphs and paragraphs dwelling on it. You effectively show us, without over-showing us.

This is such a chapter of character. That is what I will continue to focus my review on.

There was no reason for you and Lucas NOT to win the award for the best original male character. His sense of duty, of love, of loyalty, and of logic combine to make him one of those amazing pillars, as I mentioned before. He's so concerned for his grandfather, and for his friendship with Charlie. I love that about him. He's not a Hufflepuff, but he has such a very good heart. He's very dear to me, as a reader, and I know I'm not alone. I love finding characters like Lucas. And maybe this may seem repetitive or a bit ridiculous to say after the seventh installment, after this story has been up since last spring, but the new chapter reminded me of it, and I feel for him more each time I read a little more of his story. This is undoubtedly a compliment to you and your writing, because maybe any writer could come up with a story like this, but only you could write about Lucas, and only you could do it in this way.

The tension between Charlie and Lucas is as painful to me as it was to Lucas. To watch the suffering of this friendship was painful. The scene of reconciliation was such blissful relief! I was so happy!

The interactions with all of the characters in this chapter was great to read. The emotions always feel very real, there's nothing fake about them. Well, I mean, there is Muriel who has her acts, but that is genuine Muriel, not fake Muriel. -giggles- Oh, she's such a horrid dear. She reminds me vaguely of my maternal grandmother and of bits I know and have heard about her own mother.

I find Lucas's empathetic abilities so fascinating. That's all.

The scene where Katie is brought in is so good. There's so much tension and worry that leaks off the screen, as it were. I would like to hear more about what the situation was that led to the desperate escape and tending to her nearly fatal wounds.

Katie, as a character, is already such a dear in this story, but I would say that my only piece of constructive criticism is that I really felt like the scene she was in was so very short, and only just mildly relevant to what is going on. Of course, you're the masterful author of this story, so I don't really question what you do and don't include, but I, as a reader, would've liked a little more from her in this chapter. Hopefully in the next, then.

The last thing I wanted to commend you on was the conversation after Katie has been stabilized. You make such a valid point through the words of Charlie. It is the relationships that we hold most dear that can hurt us most, and I love being able to read philosophies and truisms like this in fan fiction, because they're important to life, and why would we read something that didn't speak to us? Why would we write something that isn't important or true to us? You never fail to write meaningful things, and that is why this story stands out from so many others, Anna dear. I can't wait to read more. I long for the next installment. And in the meantime, I do believe I shall treat myself to a reread over the next week. And then wait as patiently as I can after that.

Name: Meme0 (Signed) · Date: 01/30/08 13:19 · For: Chapter Five - Maiming and Mending

Aaw. I love the chapter. Can't wait for the next. Are we going to see more of Katie? that'd be nice. =D.
Can't wait for the next chapter!

Name: Meme0 (Signed) · Date: 01/20/08 4:39 · For: Chapter Four - Relatives and Revelations

Wow. I love the story. It's amazing. Lucas is really interesting. I'd really love to see new chapters. Please update soon!

Name: electronicquillster (Signed) · Date: 11/26/07 0:26 · For: Chapter Four - Relatives and Revelations

I really should have reviewed this ages and ages ago, shouldn’t I? Especially considering just how long ago it was that I first read it. -ashamed-

With this story, I always feel like there is so much more going on than I really understand. It has the feeling of the canon books and any other books, that feeling where you know that there is so much you’re not picking up on, and that you will only see all the things that are happening once the story is finished and you go back to read it again. This is very difficult for two reasons. First, the author must have the plot and the future in mind (as well as mostly figured out) when writing. Second, the author must tell the story, setting hints of other things in, though without dropping obvious hints that insult the intelligence of the reader. Yes, the author has to sort of weave small things in that have the author feeling smug. They left that little unsuspecting line in there, and little does the reader know just how important it will be later. THAT is how this story has felt, and it still continues to have that feeling. This is one of the reasons I love it so much.

I should get back on track, shouldn’t I?

I thought Lucas was interesting before, but Charlie is quite an enigma, almost outshining Lucas. I’m sure, though, that it is only in the way that he intrigues Lucas which makes him so fascinating. Oh, and that he is wanted for murder. That creates an undeniable curiosity. Well done with that, because you handled that situation so well.

When Lucas and Charlie are eating the meat loaf, I took a particular liking to this sentence:

Charlie, obviously ravenous after a day of hard work, attacked his food with delight and gusto, while Lucas enjoyed the meal at a more modest pace.

I never quite thought of combining the ideas of being ravenously hungry and enjoying food with delight and gusto. The latter two seem such light words, where ravenous is so desperate and powerful in my mind as a word. The juxtaposition is delicious. Not that your word choice isn’t always great, of course. I think that’s definitely one of the strengths of Vacillation and Volition overall.

Auntie Muriel is fabulous, by the way. She simply is. I think the way that you have handled, and continue to handle, this story is very good. You are keeping to the essence of the characters (like Muriel), and you keep to Half-Blood Prince canon, but the way you project what follows is an alternate universe, yet something that seems completely plausible.

I cannot wait for more. And I want to know who Charlie killed and why! You evaded that too well. Hmph. Lucas needs to get over Charlie killing someone and ask him about it. Even though that doesn’t seem very in character for him to do. That’s just what I want. Though I have my own prediction as to what will happen.

I love the way the friendship is developing between Lucas and Charlie. They are two people I wouldn’t necessarily have said would get on in normal circumstances, but now that they have been thrust together into this life of exile, I have no doubt they will become fast friends and stay that way for years to come.

Unless, of course, you have something else come up and split them apart and write it in that fabulous way you write everything. Lovely chapter, Anna, and I’m waiting very anxiously for the next.

Name: GringottsVault711 (Signed) · Date: 11/25/07 17:53 · For: Chapter Four - Relatives and Revelations

After some hours of much-needed rest; I misread that as 'much-needed tea', and I thought it was slightly... unique for Lucas to have hours of tea, and then I realised that it said 'rest' not 'tea', and that's why I was giggling. (And then I wrote 'Loocas' instead of Lucas, reason for the second bout of laughter). he had soon discovered Charlie behind the barn, bent over and... /third bout of laughter.


Now, I don't know if I can clear my mind enough to write a halfway-proper review, but I'll do my best.


First, I shall be repetitive and mention how very much I love your writing style. The way you say things is wonderfully original. I appreciate that your imagery and atmosphere and feelings, etc, are more than just adjectives and nouns strung together. It landed with a distant, invisible thud, and a lurking bird nearby took flight with a cry. ; sentences like that, for instance, are what makes your writing such a treat to read :)


His thoughts were as flying horses, untamed and uncontrollable, beating their hooves against the inside of his head. I also like this. Aside from it being another example of saying something in a new way, it just amuses me that you mention flying horses, because it's something I associate very strongly with you. And, later, when you use continue to use the metaphor, it makes it even more wonderful. I also enjoy that you didn't.. remind the reader of the comparison. You simply continued referring to his thoughts as if they were horses. Yes, I liked that quite a bit.


Speaking of flying horses. I keep feeling as if Liam is missing out on an excellent party. He's sort of like a strange mix between Charlie and Lucas -- aristocratic, yet more easygoing. But, yes, I think that he'd like to hang out with Lucas an Charlie. He'd have fun.


I also like how you took some time to reveal the that Charlie killed someone. You easily could have introduced it sooner so as to be exciting and torturesome, but you waited until Lucas had a chance to get to know Charlie a bit better. Sure, t would have been a shock to the readers, who have a fair idea of Charlie Weasley already, but Lucas might not have been as conflicted by it as he is, and so you have a much more interesting (and real) dynamic between the two, now.


I am also very interested in how you wrote the interaction between Lucas and the coin. It feels as if the coin has become an original character in itself. And it reminds me very much of Agnes Cecilia, and how someone can have a relationship with a... perhaps not inanimate, but at least a silent object. And you've written it in a very effective way that creates a good opportunity for reflection for Lucas, so we get character insight that's not entirely him just sitting thinking to himself. Actually, I feel like I'm mentally taking something from this, for my own future use. Being mindful of character introspection, and things like that. So yay for that.


I am very excited to find out what happens next, including what happened with Charlie and who it was he murdered. Yes. Very, very excited. Hint, hint. Don't make me get impatient and pluck your eyebrows in your sleep as punishment. No. I wouldn't want to give you ideas as how you might effectively extract the next chapter (or should I say 'kapitel'?) of Sins from me. *cough*

Name: GringottsVault711 (Signed) · Date: 11/25/07 17:50 · For: Chapter Four - Relatives and Revelations

After some hours of much-needed rest; I misread that as 'much-needed tea', and I thought it was slightly... unique for Lucas to have hours of tea, and then I realised that it said 'rest' not 'tea', and that's why I was giggling. (And then I wrote 'Loocas' instead of Lucas, reason for the second bout of laughter). he had soon discovered Charlie behind the barn, bent over and... /third bout of laughter.
Now, I don't know if I can clear my mind enough to write a halfway-proper review, but I'll do my best.
First, I shall be repetitive and mention how very much I love your writing style. The way you say things is wonderfully original. I appreciate that your imagery and atmosphere and feelings, etc, are more than just adjectives and nouns strung together. It landed with a distant, invisible thud, and a lurking bird nearby took flight with a cry. ; sentences like that, for instance, are what makes your writing such a treat to read :)
His thoughts were as flying horses, untamed and uncontrollable, beating their hooves against the inside of his head. I also like this. Aside from it being another example of saying something in a new way, it just amuses me that you mention flying horses, because it's something I associate very strongly with you. And, later, when you use continue to use the metaphor, it makes it even more wonderful. I also enjoy that you didn't.. remind the reader of the comparison. You simply continued referring to his thoughts as if they were horses. Yes, I liked that quite a bit
Speaking of flying horses. I keep feeling as if Liam is missing out on an excellent party. He's sort of like a strange mix between Charlie and Lucas -- aristocratic, yet more easygoing. But, yes, I think that he'd like to hang out with Lucas an Charlie. He'd have fun.
I also like how you took some time to reveal the that Charlie killed someone. You easily could have introduced it sooner so as to be exciting and torturesome, but you waited until Lucas had a chance to get to know Charlie a bit better. Sure, t would have been a shock to the readers, who have a fair idea of Charlie Weasley already, but Lucas might not have been as conflicted by it as he is, and so you have a much more interesting (and real) dynamic between the two, now.
I am also very interested in how you wrote the interaction between Lucas and the coin. It feels as if the coin has become an original character in itself. And it reminds me very much of Agnes Cecilia, and how someone can have a relationship with a... perhaps not inanimate, but at least a silent object. And you've written it in a very effective way that creates a good opportunity for reflection for Lucas, so we get character insight that's not entirely him just sitting thinking to himself. Actually, I feel like I'm mentally taking something from this, for my own future use. Being mindful of character introspection, and things like that. So yay for that.
I am very excited to find out what happens next, including what happened with Charlie and who it was he murdered. Yes. Very, very excited. Hint, hint. Don't make me get impatient and pluck your eyebrows in your sleep as punishment. No. I wouldn't want to give you ideas as how you might effectively extract the next chapter (or should I say 'kapitel'?) of Sins from me. *cough*

Name: Ennalee (Signed) · Date: 11/25/07 10:53 · For: Chapter Four - Relatives and Revelations

Well, I have a ridiculous number of reviews to do, but I’m starting with yours because I know I’ll enjoy it.

First of all, I have no words for how much I love your Charlie. Collecting eggs because he has to do something or go crazy! And then the peace he feels on their walk: Charlie remained where he stood, gazing over the field and the forest beyond. He, who had been moving about so restlessly all day, was now a picture of peace. And Lucas, who had lived most of his life in silence, now felt a strange need to hear the deep voice of Charlie. So perfect. I love Charlie, and I love that Lucas can’t help liking him too, though he doesn’t quite understand it yet. You have such a strong gift for characterization: even Healer Wickworth is interesting for the short time he’s ‘on screen,’ and Auntie Muriel is a joy to read. Great job.

I love how Lucas can’t quite comprehend Charlie – though I do have one comment about that. Although his incomprehension is very in-character, it’s rather more emphasized in the narrative than is actually understandable from the action; I felt like you were telling us about it, rather than showing. I wouldn’t want you to take out any of the description of Lucas’ failure to understand, which is written wonderfully – I’d just like to see a bit more of exactly what it is that he doesn’t understand. Charlie’s actions are quite commonplace – collecting eggs, performing household chores – perhaps explain a little more why exactly this is so incomprehensible to Lucas. Because while I can understand that Lucas isn’t used to doing work, especially work that could be left to the house-elves or simply performed by magic, Charlie’s efforts don’t seem to be worthy of quite as much confusion as Lucas appears to be feeling.

And so the hours had passed: Charlie going about what seemed to be a daily routine of manual tasks and physical work, now with Lucas following discreetly in his wake, trying to understand. This in particular seems like a rather abrupt transition, since it’s still not clear why it’s so hard for Lucas to understand.

One little nitpick: He went to open the carriage, at the very back, and when Lucas peered inside he was only mildly surprised to see how the interior was considerably larger than non-magical science and Muggle measurements would ever allow. This is something I’m constantly objecting to in things written from POVs of purebloods. I don’t think a pureblood would be even mildly surprised – it’s something they’re used to, something they take for granted. I’d object a little to him being ‘mildly surprised’, but even more to his reference to non-magical science and Muggle measurements. This is something he’s completely used to, much more than he’s used to things being compliant with science, and it actually knocked me out of his perspective for a minute. It’s somewhat of a predicament, because we like putting magic in our stories and we want to point out the to the reader, ‘hey, here’s something magical,’ but it’s much harder to work in when writing from the POV of a person who probably doesn’t even realize that this isn’t natural.

On the subject of nitpicks, you’re missing a space here: Nice? Nice! Ha, a bit of peace and quiet would have beennice.

The crucial thing about this chapter seems to be the elaboration of the differences between Charlie and Lucas. Charlie’s working and Lucas’ following. Their eating habits. The way they interact with house-elves (and, by extension, with the norms of wizarding society). And I like that we’re already beginning to see the changes their interaction is causing in Lucas: not only making him rethink the list of items he wants from home, but making him question – something we haven’t seen him do a whole lot of before.

As well as the characterization, you set up two key plot points: the return of the coin (which, I’m guessing, signals the conflict Lucas is going to meet – Charlie pulling him in one direction, the coin pulling him in the other), and the introduction of Charlie’s secret past (murder! Charlie? I’m intrigued!).

Also, the last line is stunning. “To choke on an explanation he didn’t even have.” Perfect! I love how every aspect of Charlie seems to pose a challenge to Lucas. I can’t wait to see the development of their friendship, along with the development of the plot. You will write more soon, yes?

Name: Merlynne (Signed) · Date: 11/02/07 22:43 · For: Chapter Four - Relatives and Revelations

An excellently dramatic conclusion to the chapter! I enjoy the interaction between Charlie and Lucas, and the snippet of Tonks/Remus was cute. Another great chapter! I can't wait until you update next.

Name: Merlynne (Signed) · Date: 11/02/07 19:21 · For: Chapter Two - The Adversities of Azkaban

Great chapter! Lucas really is a wonderful character. You write his emotions brilliantly as though they were your own, and I've become quite addicted to his story.
The coin was a great addition to the magical universe. Some people overdo it when they try to expand the world of magical trinkets et cetera, but this was great. Nice touch
And the line " the password is tiramisu" made me grin. Such a delicious (pardon the pun) allusion to the lovely forums. I've been meaning to do something like this in my own fics, but your reference is so subtle and perfect. Great work!

Name: Merlynne (Signed) · Date: 11/02/07 13:01 · For: Prologue – Part One

Your writing is beautifully fluid, and you write the tension between Lucius and Grace fantastically! This prologue is sensual and intriguing. Your characterization of Lucius is spot-on. You capture well his cold business like manner, and yet manage to shatter that cleverly with Grace's arrival. You make an exception to his facade, and I could not think of a better one! Great work! Congratulations on the award: you deserve it! I can't wait to read more...

Name: GreyLady (Signed) · Date: 10/28/07 20:17 · For: Chapter Four - Relatives and Revelations

I had meant to do this review earlier - I feel bad about leaving it so late, because you and your excellent story deserve much better. I'm truly enjoying reading it. You're a good writer, and though I know you've heard this many, many times before from everyone, I'm going to say it again: your mastery of English exceeds that of most people that I know.

Even though your writing tends to be a bit meatier and wordier than other stories that I've read, this by no means detracts from this story because there is a wonderful flow that carries the reader along without getting bogged down. The description is matter-of-fact and not flowery, but vivid. I especially liked the passage about the orchard, and your description of Lucas's thoughts afterward: "His thoughts were as flying horses, untamed and uncontrollable, beating their hooves against the inside of his head."

I actually think that the tone of your writing is what appeals to me the most - there's a warmth and impishness that is irresistible. I'm also loving the fact that there's a plot. You know, I can't think of one good fanfic that I've read recently that has a plot to match the writing, except perhaps Nan's A Road of Shattered Glass.

The characterization is also a joy to read. I was typing my quick while-reading notes, and I wrote "Lucas: an endearing enigma," and I think that actually does sum up how I feel about him rather well. There's something human and at the same time aloof about him that made me like him immediately. His ability to read others' emotions is fascinating.

You write Charlie very nicely, and, as a matter of fact, have somewhat changed my opinion of him. I've never disliked him; just never thought much of him. But Lucas's insight - "Charlie paid no heed to the norms of their magical society, but did and said whatever seemed suitable to him at the time" - was very interesting. I really like this image of him: warm, honest, open, and doing what he thinks is right without looking to society to know how to live his life. And don't think I didn't grin hugely at his green robes. Anna, Anna - manipulating characters to please you? ;)

Muriel was simply delightful. *winks* You wrote the character of an imperious, demanding, ornery old woman quite well, and she made me giggle. One thing, though: the doctor makes a comment about her old age of 107, but that isn't really that old in the wizarding old, when you consider that Dumbledore was 150. Also, I thought Charlie's exit after his revelation was a bit abrupt. Charlie is such an open person that it might have been more IC of him to tell Lucas what exactly had happened, without exaggerating or romanticizing it, or even telling it so that it painted him in a good light. However, I don't know the entire situation, so I might be dead wrong.

A few nitpicks:

“I’m sorry, but… What are you doing?” Okay, so this is shamefully unimportant, but it would please my OCD if "what" was uncapitalized and the space after the ellipsis was removed. *hides*

"Surely, the house-elf would do that?" The comma isn't needed.

"He hadn’t meant to be so straightforward, it wasn’t like him, but Charlie had been acting all too oddly not to ask." "It wasn't like him" should probably be enclosed in dashes instead, and the wording "all too odd" doesn't sit right on my tongue in that context, for some reason.

But all of that isn't really vital. Dearest Anna, you have a story to be proud of, and one which I'm highly anticipating seeing the evolution of as it unfolds. This is a really strong, intriguing, excellent story. =)

Name: crazy_purple_hp_freak (Signed) · Date: 10/25/07 13:23 · For: Chapter Four - Relatives and Revelations

Hehe. So I was reading this and I noticed that all your other chapters already have lovely shiny spewly reviews. So I claim this one first. *sticks out tongue* :D

Lucas is an amazing character. It’s weird that I’d heard of this story long before I actually came to read it, and at first I misread ‘Malory’ for ‘Malfoy’, and I always thought that the two sounded similar, so I was pretty surprised but pleased on finding out what this story was about, and I especially loved it when Grace mentioned this in one of the earlier chapters.

In a lot of the stories I’ve seen, a son of Lucius or Draco just ends up being a carbon copy of their father, which all the pure-blood mania and sneering habits; I’m glad that Lucas has taken a turn to be something different. It’s interesting to see how much ultimately, personality and character can be attributed to ‘genetics’ and how much can be attributed to upbringing. I think that part of the reason why Lucas is so different is a result of his mother’s upbringing and the lack of Lucius’ influence – and yet he does seem to have some of the same features, especially from what we saw in their Azkaban meeting.

The contrast between Lucas and Charlie Weasley is also pretty interesting to see. Lucas seems to always be more secretive, having more to hide and being much less open than Charlie. Charlie … I love your characterisation. I love it! Charlie has always been one of my favourite Weasleys, and it’s a shame we didn’t get to see more of him in canon. I love the little quirks you give him, and your Charlie is so interesting. He’s always doing something different, something intriguing which makes you want to learn more about him and how his character and experiences differ in this story compared to what we know of in canon. It’s no wonder Lucas describes him as ‘unique’.

Charlie, obviously ravenous after a day of hard work, attacked his food with delight and gusto, while Lucas enjoyed the meal at a more modest pace.
It’s little things like this that show the sheer difference in their characters. It’s not just what they believe or how they’ve been brought up, it’s the things that they do subconsciously like this. I can imagine Charlie, who I imagine to have always been an ‘outdoors’ person, an active person to eat in this way, whilst I imagine Lucas who (I think he ended up on Ravenclaw?) to be much more organised, thoughtful, studious and calm.

Thatcher bowed again, and Lucas watched the scene with interest. He had never been cruel to a house-elf, but he had also never thought to praise one as a fellow wizard.
Again, it’s the subconscious things. Lucas may not have been exposed to the pure blood beliefs that Lucius surely could have imposed on him, but he has still be brought up in a world that is quite old fashioned, in an old fashioned aristocratic family who are sure to follow conventions. If Grace and Maximillian never paid any attention to their servants, neither did Lucas probably, without realising that they could indeed be praised and spoken to like any human.

All the while he was conscious of Charlie listening to his orders, and for some reason that made him leave out garments of silk and velvet, and go for clothes and objects of a more practical nature instead.
This shows us a fantastic side of Lucas’ character. It’s almost like peer pressure, or envy in some way, of Charlie’s carefree nature and way of life. It’s as if Lucas somehow senses that Charlie is more sensible than he is, or is more ‘free’. Heh.

Okay, please don’t laugh at me Anna … but at times it almost feels as if I’m reading something that borders on slash. It’s as if Lucas isn’t 100% straight as it seems that he is pretty much obsessed with Charlie. XD There. I said it. >.>

Yes, they had had a good start last week. Too good. Similar things had happened in his life before, and Lucas should have known it wasn’t to last this time either.
Then again, this feels like a very much friendship focussed comment. Though at times Charlie seems a bit too carefree, it can definitely be argued that Lucas is much too lost within himself. This part in particular made me feel sorry for him. It’s as if all the people he’s tried to make friends with in Hogwarts eventually turned out to not be friends at all, and this time he is on the verge of giving up before he has even tried.

The same warmth seemed to be radiating from it and inexplicable relief touched Lucas’ senses — the coin was not upset with him for his recent neglect; it had not disowned him.
Ahh … so he is curious about the coin after all. This appears to show us the sort of ‘binding’ feeling that Lucas must feel towards the Malfoys. Though family he does not want to help Death Eaters, and yet I think it would probably have pained him if the coin had not grown warm and had indeed ‘disowned’ him.

Hmm … this thing about the coin almost burning him when he thought of Lucius and the woman that he desperately wanted to join, when it grows warm does this mean that lucas is getting closer in his guesses, or does the coin merely ‘respond’ when Lucas thinks about his family?

“Don’t you look dashing.”
Heh. Heh heh heh. Heh. >.> I’ll shut up now, and keep reading.

I love your portrayal of Muriel! Muriel has always been a subject of amusement to me, I love the way that she likes to insult more or less everyone. Her calling Charlie ‘Charles’ is great too. :D

He did. He minded so much he thought his chest would burst from it, and was slightly overwhelmed by the unexpected rush of hurt.
This again, is really interesting. It seems ideal that it’s Muriel, someone who is blunt and cares nothing of what others think, who first brings up the topic of Lucas’ parentage. The fact that Lucas is hurt by this question/topic shows perhaps that he doesn’t bear a grudge towards his father, despite what he knows that his father has done. Perhaps there is a part of him, the part which grew up in high society, who would love for his pureblood status to be recognised, and another part that regrets that this can never happen.

“If my father were a Death Eater, I’d lie about it too.”
This comment is so harsh, blunt and cutting. It’s a brilliant end to the chapter and I’m glad that Charlie says something like this. The way that he says this is almost as if he is disappointed in Lucas, in whom he may have seen a very good friend, until he found the flaws. It also feels to me as if Charlie is misunderstanding Lucas’ character a bit, and not realising that not everyone can be as open as he himself is. Perhaps he wanted Lucas to denounce his father there and then, not realising how difficult this is and how confused Lucas must feel.

This story is exceptional Anna! I love Lucas, and I love the interaction between him and Charlie. You really know how to tell a fantastic and compelling story, well done!

*wants to read more soon pretty please?*

Suzie < 33

Name: primagirl89 (Signed) · Date: 10/07/07 1:08 · For: Chapter Four - Relatives and Revelations

wow, I just read it all in one seating. And it is awesome!! I love the insight into Malfoy.

Author's Response: I'm so glad you like my story. Thanks for your kind words!