This is simply one of the best written and imagined fanfictions i have read. The build up was steady and solid, which serves the preceeding events well. The characters are equisitive and very so well developed but not so well known or shown that the reader will know how they will act in the future. Mysterious, familiar but un-fathomable. i can't wait to find out what Lucas decides to do
Author's Response: I can't thank you enough for such kind words! And I'm glad to see that you're wondering about Lucas' actions, since that's the main point of the story.
I'm currently writing the next chapter, and I hope you will approve of that as well. Again, thank you!
I’m skipping over reviewing chapter four for now, because I typed up a bunch of things I wanted to say about the fifth chapter while reviewing the third, so as fascinating as chapter four was, it’ll have to take second place. I may yet go back and review it, though, so we’ll see. :)
First of all, your description of the coin and its effect on Lucas is extremely powerful. This seems to be the first time Lucas has come so strongly into contact with his father’s heritage, and I love the symbolism, the seductive power of the coin mirroring the seductive quality of everything it stands for. As an ambivalent character, not tied to anything in particular, Lucas definitely is in a position to be lured into that seductive life of purity, pride, patrimony, and most importantly, power.
I love the entrance of the Order. It’s rather similar to the way they arrive to collect Harry in the fifth book, but rather from seeming like a copy, it goes to enhance the image of the Order as being ever so slightly ineffectual and bumbling. It’s a common trope, one that Rowling uses effectively, that of the bumbling heroes whose hearts are in the right place – and I love the way the entrance of the Order contrasts so well to the entrance of the Death Eaters in the third chapter. Structurally, I’m fascinated by your story – that will have to be my excuse for going all academic and analytical on you, but something about it makes me want to dissect it like I would for a class. Lucas is clearly positioned as a focal point for a conflict between the Order and the Death Eaters; the two contrasting visits not only work well in a structural, symbolic kind of way, but they serve to demonstrate to Lucas the two poles between which he is hovering. Very well done!
I’m not going to go into it, because I’ve already rambled on enough and am about to ramble on in a different subject, but I have to say, I love the way you show Remus and Tonks, individually and together. The Tonks-Charlie interaction is wonderful as well – as you know, I’m a strong believer in their friendship!
Speaking of Charlie: I expect, given the title and the focus on his ambivalence, that Lucas’ progression from inaction to action will be one of the driving forces of the story. I’m seeing Lucas in some sense as the Ron-figure gone wrong. What I love so much about Ron is that he isn’t a ‘remarkable’ character, in the sense that he doesn’t have any particular ties to the conflict, no especial ability like Hermione, no grand destiny like Harry – and yet he fights anyway. At first, he fights merely because his friends are fighting, and he loves them and will follow them, but by the end, he’s as tied to the cause as any of them. I see Lucas as the Ron who was never drawn into the fight by his friends, never given any reason to care. His position is furthered, of course, by the fact that his familial position is such that he’s likely to be in no danger, no matter which way the battle goes. Whereas Ron, of course, comes from a family of known blood-traitors, Lucas’ family situation really does foster ambivalence. It’s as he said in the previous chapter – he really has no reason to be drawn to one side or the other.
Charlie, on the other hand, is an action oriented character from the start (he’s a dragon keeper, enough said!). Add on to that his family ties – two of his uncles killed, half his family in the Order and the other half fighting Voldemort though underage, his status as a blood traitor – of course he’s going to have strong loyalties. And I’m thinking that Charlie’s not only going to provide Lucas of an example of what it means to be invested in a cause, he’s going to be the instigator of Lucas’ own loyalty. Not caring which side fails or succeeds when you have no ties is one thing, but not caring when the success of one means the possible death of a friend is a completely different thing, and I imagine the friendship that arises between Lucas and Charlie will be the catalyst of Lucas’ end to indifference. (That is, I hope a friendship will arise between them; the wave of affection Lucas has at the end of the chapter seems to indicate that it will!
I wrote this last part of the review first, and then went back to the beginning and saw it in a whole new light; if Lucas is going to be building ties with Charlie, I wonder what ties will pull him towards the other side? Will it be the coin, or his lingering feelings of duty towards his father, or perhaps his grandfather (seemingly another neutral character) will be pulled into it. Fascinating!
I think I love everything about this story – the writing, the plot, the conflict between ambivalence and action, the question of which side to support – but the thing I’m most looking forward to is the development of the relationship between Charlie, one of my favorite characters, and Lucas, who I am growing increasingly attached to. I suppose you might say that it’s a mark of a good story if it inspires fanfiction – well, I think you ought to know, I’m totally writing out a scene in my head about how Charlie’s in danger and Lucas finds for the first time that he really cares, and is goaded into action. And I keep trying to stop myself from imagining it, because I want to wait and see where you go with the story, but I thought you should know that if this was a published story, I’d totally be writing that fanfic.
And with that, I’m going to end this monstrous review. Very sorry for going all analytical on you like that; I don’t seem to have really critiqued much at all, but instead had a kind of in-class discussion all by myself – I must be back in school mode! I just hope that I’ve said something useful, or that my ramblings will at least give you an idea of what themes are coming across well. And Anna, dear, I know you’re busy with moving and all, but you simply have to update this story soon, because I can’t wait to see where you go with it.
Author's Response: Nan… I’m sitting here with a silly grin on my face. I LOVE this analytical review – partly because you and your eagle-eyes have made so many correct observations, but also because it makes me so aware of my own writing and because it inspires me to write, write and write even more.
So that is what I will do, right now. Thank you. I love you. =)
So, Anna, here I am at last. I already told you how much I enjoyed this story, and I want you to know that it wasn’t just something I said because I felt obligated while sitting in your house and eating your chocolate – or even because I’m a nice person and like to compliment my friends. Looking over the story to review, I keep thinking how different your phrasing tendencies are, and it makes it difficult for me to comment syntactically – the voice of the narrative is lovely, with a reserved sort of elegance, and I’m afraid that my comments would only be trying to nudge it towards a voice more like my own, which would be a loss. Sentences like this one: These days, a man did not have to be a wizard to know that something was wrong in Britain. Absolutely lovely! I’m amazed by how well the voice of the narrative fits Lucas; it’s quiet and proper and reserved and elegant and tinged with a rather Rowlingesque humor. But if one happened to linger for a moment, perhaps to tie a shoelace or rummage pockets for gloves, blurred shapes would appear in the gloom… made me grin.
One stylistic nitpick, even though I said I wouldn’t: you do have a tendency to start sentences with prepositions, especially ‘but’. Three years of middle-school teachers bred this tendency out of me to the point where I have trouble starting sentences with prepositions in any sort of formal writing, but I do concede that it can be an effective technique. Nevertheless, I think it is something you should keep to a minimum level, not necessarily because of the grammatical rules, but because when you do use it, it will be more effective.
Something I found interesting was a pattern in the way you introduce your characters. Going back to the prologue, the first sentence in the entire story is, A young man was standing half-way up an impressive staircase… Following shortly after that, you have, He was Lucius Malfoy, and the successful ball below was all his doing. Here, in this chapter, we are introduced to Lucas with the statement, It was a young man, and he was quite comfortably seated on a bench…, followed by, He was Lucas Malory, and he had come to the park to honour the memory of his mother. In both cases, you introduce a general figure – a young man was, it was a young man – and then you specify the description – he was Lucius Malfoy, he was Lucas Malory. I’m very interested by this trend. I didn’t catch it the first time through, and don’t know if you use it to introduce any other characters. If you do, it’s probably something you should watch out for – it’s very easy to find a trick that works and reuse it all the time without noticing (for instance, I tend to have my characters kick the legs of their chairs when I need a filler bit of description – it took me ages to notice that, and I had to go back and edit so that all my characters weren’t pathological chair-kickers). However, if you don’t use it for other characters, then I’m fascinated by the implications of the way you parallel the introductions of father and son, a relationship that I suspect will have a large amount of driving force in the future of the story. Sorry for the long-winded comment on the trivial point, but I found that very interesting and wanted to point it out.
Lucas’ reminiscence about his mother was lovely; of course the smells bring back the memories, and I love the smells you picked – but what I found most interesting were the physical memories you chose. …hatching eaglets, duelling his grandfather, or leaning over some book in the library. He could hear her voice, reciting poetry or adjusting his spellwork or calling the wolfhounds. I’m intrigued that all of his memories of her are very active. We know that passivity is one of Lucas’ foremost traits, and as such, it seems highly relevant that he remembers his mother as someone who was always doing. Nice detail there.
What mustn’t it feel like to be so wholly dedicated to a cause that you would willingly sacrifice your life for it? He could not imagine it, and most of the time he wasn’t interested in trying. He was of little importance to anyone, so it wasn’t as if he had any reason to think in the terms of good and evil, of right and wrong. This right here seems to me to be the heart of the chapter, the biggest insight into Lucas’ character you’ve given us so far (and by so far, I mean the first five chapters, not just the first three).
I find it interesting that Lucas is able to so clearly diagnose his own condition; not only is he able to recognize his own apathy and name it as such, he’s come up with a reason to explain it – or perhaps an excuse. That he is able to identify so clearly what is going on marks him as a Ravenclaw, but more importantly, I think it shows that he has put a significant amount of thought into it. For all his protestation that he isn’t interested in trying to be so dedicated to a cause, the fact that he’s put so much thought into his apathy and its causes suggests, IMO, that it bothers him to some extent. Perhaps he doesn’t realize it, but I’m convinced that he really wants to experience that dedication.
Likewise, when he says that It was not that he really minded the isolation… But on the day when he stepped out of the Entrance Hall for the last time, Lucas knew that he would be instantly forgotten. He had made no lasting impression on any part or person of the school, and no one would miss him. It had been a peculiar feeling — to come face to face with his own unimportance. I can’t believe that he’s quite as accepting of this state of affairs as he believes – it’s obviously a point he’s thought about in some detail. Great paragraph by the way – another one that’s crucial to the development of his character.
I’ve been incredibly long-winded, so I’ll try to speed things up for the rest of the review – though, having fallen to the long-review-bug yourself, I’m sure you’ll understand. Maximilian was well done; from what little we see of him he has the potential to be an interesting character in his own right, not just a perfunctory grandfather figure. The house-elves were good and house-elvy – I liked the way Lucas interacted with them, kind and polite but obviously taking for granted the assumption that their duty is to serve him. Another element of his character – he’s accustomed to being served, to his needs being taken care of; I imagine that between his home and Hogwarts, he’s never really had to do much for himself. Something to look forward to in future chapters, I imagine.
One nitpick: “If you were seeking to talk to my grandfather, Maximilian Malory, I’m sorry to inform you that he left for France earlier this evening. He is not expected to return for at least a month.” It seems strange to me that he refers to his grandfather by his full name here, since his assumption is that these people know who his grandfather is. It would feel more natural, IMO, if he referred to him as either “Maximilian” or “Mr Malory”.
The action at the end of the chapter is great – very tense, and the flow is good. As someone who find writing action very difficult, I’m very jealous of your ability to make the scene with so little actual movement so tense. Congrats on that, and on the entire chapter, of course, and now I’m off to give you another long-winded ramble on the next one.
Author's Response: Nan! *blushes* This is... wow. I will try to respond to your review, but it's so amazingly in-depth that I'm not sure I can do it justice.
It's funny that you should mention my use of prepositions - I was taught exactly the same thing as you, and for the longest time I was a real Nazi about prepositions in the beginning of a sentence. But then, someone I greatly respect talked to me and told me to "relax about it" - and it seems that I did, without even realising it. =) I promise you I'll be more careful with that!
As for the way I've introduced Lucius and Lucas, no, I believe I don't do that with anyone else. I think it's because I'm introducing each of them as the main character for that part of the story, and I was attempting to make a straightforward and thus powerful presentation. I think I had to use my narrator’s voice more in those two situations, compared to all other introductions that are more or less from Lucas’ point of view.
Aha, yes. Not really leading a busy life, Lucas has had a lot of time to contemplate his own situation. Thinking about it like he does in this chapter is kind of a defence mechanism for him, or maybe like a mantra. If you constantly think of yourself as insignificant, perhaps you will be? And the next paragraph of your review – hee, I’m actually returning to that in not the chapter I’m writing now, but the next one.
Gah. Thank you so much for this review, Nan! I must confess that I’m rather worried what you’ll think of the rest of the story… But for now I’ll go and respond to your next review. *grins*
I remember you telling me about Luke when I was there this summer, and I couldn't wait to read about him. As soon as I started seeing this story mentioned everywhere, I realised it was his! I'm so excited to read it.
First, there's something I've noticed. You write men very well. I mean, you write stories from their point of view marvelously. It's nearly impossible for me to picture Lucius as a virgin, but here he is! But you've written him so we can almost feel his burning lust ourselves. You're doing such a lovely job with this story, I just can't wait to see more of it. Love.
Author's Response: *grins* Thank you SO much, Delaney love. And I'm glad you approve of how I write men - when Lucas first appeared in my head, it was partly because I had seen so many female OC's around and wondered whether I could write a believable male one. So... I hope you will think so, when you get to him.
I return with another review. This one won’t be as long as the other (or, as edited by myself later - it can be very much longer) mainly due to the fact that one took two days to finish and I’d rather get this one done within the hour. Enough about me, let’s talk about you. More to the point, let’s talk about your story, and what you have done with the second part of the prologue. First, I must point out that you once again manage to grab details and shake them with your all-mighty fist. I am talking about the timeline specifically. It may seem easy to figure out how everything would be placed to make sure it fits in with canon, but I know from personal experience that it can be a - well, in nicer words: witch. However, there are no mistakes here, and it flows seamlessly.
Now. I simply must talk about the fantastic way you handled the backstory of the upcoming fic (I am still in shock that this is simply a prologue, when it could actually be the fic itself, you know.) And, unlike many prologues that are scattered through so many stories, this actual prologue is what happened before the story began, and it shows why this or that happened, which I do not yet know, so I will refer to those moments as “this or that”. I cannot get over the fact that it was done so well. And normally I’m extremely opposed to splitting up a prologue into two portions. However, this splitting up was a wise judgment on your part. It makes sense, for first, we see the moment that triggers the story, and the many years leading up to the first chapter. Yes, Anna dear, I am very impressed with not only your organizational skills but also the relevance of the prologue.
Before I actually dive into the technical aspects, I must talk about the plot. How COULD you? I am not shocked in the least that you killed her, but, I really liked her as a character and now she is gone and Lucius doesn’t really care. It makes sense, her son being on his own, with being an illegitimate child and all, but I am still very sad that you killed her. That, to me, seems to be the major point that you tried to get across in this chapter: she’s gone, and Lucius, Lucas, and Mr Malory are the only three people on the planet who know about who Lucas’ father actually is, and we all know Mr Malory is probably going to drop dead any moment now, so that just leaves father and son. It does leave quite a bit of room for complications ahead, and I am positive that you will make a brilliant story, based solely on these two prologues (and I’m not even including your past work in the equation). I can’t wait to read it.
You use some scrumptious words here, and it all starts with the first letter to Lucius (I love this prologue title, by the way). First you start with the word “dearest”. Let me just say, it seems like something someone of high status would say in a letter, no matter who it is to. “It is my hope that by sending this letter at such a busy time of the year, it will pass unnoticed by others. If all goes well, you should be able to explain it as yet another Christmas greeting.” I just love the use of “pass unnoticed” here. Scrumptious indeed. And, how lucky Lucius is to not have anyone around so he doesn’t make excuses for the letter. Always thinking, that Grace.
“Nor will I admit that I miss you.” I just think that this sentence speaks volumes. For one - it was just lust that Lucius was feeling, and obviously Grace as well. It also shows that she can live happily without Lucius, as the large space of time between letters shows. This letter is strictly business. Why? Oh, the only thing that would happen with such a chance encounter and shagging session: an illegitimate child! It also helps to know that the summary told us this and that it was obvious what was going to happen so I can’t honestly say I’m surprised. Still. Also in this paragraph, you have one itsy bitsy typo. “But after hours of debating in my already tired mind, I have decided to at lest tell you.” Although lest is a word, I do believe it’s supposed to be “least” according to context.
I have another bit of crit for you before I start heaping on the praise (Good LORD I’m at like 770 words and I’m not even a fourth of the way down the page XD). “I trust you will be able to, seeing as any bit of his presence in your life would… complicate it.” In letters, I doubt that many people use ellipses mainly because it just seems unnecessary, unless you are clearly indicating a pause, and I doubt that Grace would use that tactic in the instance it is used.
“The white flakes seemed to hypnotise him, and he stared into the endless distance.” I really like this. Is the endless distance caused by the fact that not only is everything covered in snow, but it just doesn’t stop snowing? I enjoy it when a sentence gives me the chance to think about why it’s like that. It helps me get a clearer image in my mind of how the scene is set. Also, I don’t know if “hypnotise” is spelled all British and whatnot, but I spell it as “hypnotize”, with a z. Just in case it’s a typo. : )
“Barely covered by silk sheets, she had stroked the back of his neck and said that he was too young and too handsome, that they would never be accepted even if he was not already engaged to another woman.” I had to mention this, mainly because it just seems like such a Sins prelude (I know, I know, Sins isn’t canon, I’ve forgotten again…). It also strikes me as incredibly odd, because here is a woman of high stature in bed with a young man of high stature, who oddly are under silk sheets. I thought Lucius was the domineering one, like he should be talking and he should be stroking her neck. But no, it’s the other way around, and it seems as if that Veela blood in Grace controls her. I love that, Anna.
This entire seen of the two of them in bed is quite nice imagery, for you don’t spare us the detail that matter - not how exhausted the two of them were after going at it like a couple on their honeymoon, but how Lucius knew how Grace worked - “And Grace was proud. She might not admit to being affected by gossip and ill speaking, but Lucius knew she was more vulnerable than she let on.” I think this is quite important for you to include, because not only is that a frequent feeling in most of us, it also shows us why Grace warns Lucius how to be secretive in the first place, even though he might already be in the know. It’s an incredibly dazzling connection, and I applaud you for it.
Some more crit here. “His eyes were suddenly watering from not having blinked for too long, so he shook his head to rid it of the trance.” When you mention “it”, it seems like you are referring to his head instead of his eyes. And, in the case you actually are referring to his head, I’d strongly suggest you’d replace “it” with “himself”, as it would sound better this way, and not be as confusing.
Now, as I read, this pair of sentences strikes me as extremely telling on how the pureblooded society works in England. “He had long since given up the right to do things for the sake of his own emotions. He had asked Narcissa to marry him at his parents’ particular suggestion, to strengthen the alliance between two already powerful pure-blood houses. If he attempted to break up, the Blacks would not be forgiving.” Mainly, the first sentence stands as a reminder that in pureblooded society, you never do things to help others or yourself. You do things for a cause. This is one reason why I believe that Lord Voldemort was able to persuade some of these families easily to join him. That’s just the way they think. And I included the second sentence mainly because of what is insinuated by “…the Blacks would not be forgiving.”. Honestly, can you just imagine Bellatrix coming up to Lucius and Grace one day and cursing them into the ground? Not a good mental image, I know, but it’s certainly funny that they’d get high on revenge.
Now, I’m not even at the halfway point of the chapter and I’ve managed to write 1500 words. This does not bode well for my sanity. So, to keep me from completely spazzing out and being sent to the crazy train for people who write extremely long reviews, I’m going to take only one (or two?) paragraphs on the middle section of the prologue, mainly because I find that it’s the least important section of the chapter. Yes, we hear that Grace suddenly decides to sit down and write a letter to Lucius after 12 years of no correspondence whatsoever (though I can’t really blame her, can I?), but I think the most important thing to take note of is the fact that you managed to tie canon into your fic by having Lucius attempt to send Draco to Durmstrang, and to have Narcissa insist he go to Hogwarts. Well done, because I believe many of us have forgotten that little detail.
I have one comment on word choice. “Lucius had toyed with the idea for some time now, to join the board of governors.” I love your choice of the word “toyed”. It just shows Lucius has limitless opportunities to do so many things, just being one of them. I find it a very good choice of verb. : )
Anna, I must stop myself from reviewing further. If I do, this review will reach 4500 words, and you already know my reaction to your killing off my favorite character so far. ;) I hope you don’t terribly mind. I’m seriously about to enter the crazy train, so au revoir!
Author's Response: *hides face* Yes, how COULD I kill Grace? Bad me! But at least I didn’t laugh while killing her off, like Kasey would have. So there, I’m not THAT bad.
Very good point about the ellipses, Patrick dear. I will definitely edit that sooner or later. I will also look into the other excellent changes you suggested. =)
Yes, Grace was rather domineering, and she always let Lucius know, albeit subtly, that she was the one in charge in their little affair. It was she who struck up the relationship, she who decided when they would meet, and she who ended it. For good and for bad, she was a VERY independent woman.
*giggles* Patrick, I can only say how much I love this review, how much I love you, and how absolute thrilled I am that you’re reading and liking my story! :D
My goodness. I read your first paragraph, and am already just blown away at the pure, seamless, perfection of your writing. Anna, you cannot comprehend how well you write. I don’t know how to convey it to you. It’s not “you’re perfect because I love you” Perfection, it’s simply… “closest thing to Heaven” perfection. A Heaven that serves chocolate and tiramisu for breakfast on silver plates set upon black marble tables.
You are incredible. Beyond incredible.
*breathes*
I’m done, really.
*reads further*
No, I’m not.
…snatching it from the pull of gravity. I mean, COME ON. It’s brilliant. I could eat, drink, breathe this writing.
Okay. I’ll promise to contain future flailing urges and only focus on things I can actually say something specific about.
“It was a game, a test, a torture, and Lucas could not recall ever being so amused and astounded.” This line is delicious. The alliteration. I just want to go back, after reading it, and say it aloud to myself and feel it. Plus, the word “torture” is always a good one ;)
“A moment later, the streetlamp silently went out, its light stolen by the deep darkness of the night.” *bites lip and represses urge to flail, as promised*
“it took Lucas a moment to realise what the sound had been – reality”. Now, this is a line I can be somewhat sensible talking about. Reality. I love how we use that word, and what it represents. It is the perfect description for what awakes him, what he wakes up to. What we all, unfortunately, must deal with once in a while.
And then, you have a more tangible description of Lucas using the power we saw earlier. For once, his target isn’t aware and in defense against it. Also, when we read of it last time, there was a much greater emotional aspect to it. Here, it is practical. He’s trying to sense if he’s in danger or not. There is a wonderful purity to the power, and it’s also just very exciting to see this power used again. What’s the point of creative ideas if they are brought up and then abandoned? [I know I’m guilty of it now and then. It does become difficult to keep track of something that is less of a plot-point and more a stroke of cleverness. Am glad you’re keeping us reminded of this one, at least for the time-being.]
“but he did not fancy being walked in on when wearing only a pair of flannel trousers.” I must say, I certainly wouldn’t mind being the one walking in on him. Was this just supposed to be amusing, or are you teasing your readers by giving us images of half-naked Malfoy men? … “It was creased, but would at least cover his naked chest.” *cough*
““Who are you, and what are you doing here?” Lucas is direct. I like it. Is he this forward with his women, too? I think we should be given an example of that at some point.
“But there are certain people who wouldn’t have been overjoyed to know that we are visiting you, so we thought it better to come here at night. This line definitely sounds like Remus Lupin. It’s his manner of speaking, and the slight humour that exists in his tone, even when talking of serious matters. Later, you continue to have him well characterized: “A question rarely receives an answer if not asked.” A very Remus way of being logical and fair when dealing with people. But, he continues to be direct, showing that he means business. He is not unnecessarily polite (that is, he is not going out of his way, or sacrificing his duty for the sake of not stepping on anyone’s toes). He is direct about their position and their reasoning. And, of course there is Tonks, who is needed to give that extra push and point out that they are indeed their to abduct him. *chuckles*
I like where Lucas’ thoughts go, about missing the power to choose. It’s a very honest view of the matter. It’s something everyone experiences, I think. Though, some people are less aware of the psychology of it than Lucas. We can be annoyed at things, or unwilling to do things not so much because we are opposed, but simply because even if we weren’t opposed, we don’t have a choice in the matter. I simply adore points of human nature in writing. :D
Also liked that you took the opportunity to lay out the travel plans, and that Lucas would be going by Side-Along Apparation. Because, these things can of course be tracked, and it does have to look like Lucas went unwillingly. Nicely and subtly done :)
Through the doorframe of the dark room, Lucas saw them as another moving painting, illuminated by the morning light that spilled through the windows in the doors. That is a rather beautiful description, dear.
“And this Charlie, he thought, seemed unusually open and artless, as if ready to approve of everything and everyone he met” *chuckles* This is quite an original take on Charlie. But, it seems incredibly fitting, I think. I also like that there seems to be disapproval in Lucas’ mind, as he’s definitely not the readily-approving sort. These two will have interesting chemistry, it’s clear already. [And I mean “chemistry” very innocently, I assure you. Though, *cough*, that too.]
And then we reach the end of the chapter, with Lucas’ lovely ripple of emotion. And, all I can think of is how incredibly real and human he is. He’s not a contrived character, who is either good or bad. And he does not act ideally, which many many characters do. Not fan-fiction characters, but just characters in books and movies in general, who have a tendency to always do and feel and say what is “right” in difficult situations, and only behave with everyday flaws in everyday life. He views people subjectively rather than objectively, and he has his own mindset and perspectives that are not typically open-minded. Yes, I leave this chapter thinking just about Lucas, and his character, and just how very real and believable he is, and how I cannot wait to see what else happens to him.
PS. I love you more.
Author's Response: You could eat and drink my writing? That’s EXCELLENT, if we’re going to be poor Swedes together! :D
Oh, Lucas’ ability isn’t going to be forgotten, that I promise you. It plays a big part in an upcoming story of mine. Or, well, two upcoming stories. <.< And I’m also going to explain it a bit better before the end of this story. Well, that is to say that someone is, not me personally. >.>
*gasp* Would I tease my readers by showing them half-naked part-Malfoy men? Jenna! How could you ever accuse me of such a thing!? *coughs* And about Lucas being forward… well, not really, since he’s not very experienced in the area… but let me just say that when he finds the right woman, he won’t need to be forward.
*giggles* Jenna, I love how you’re not completely bashing me for including some Remus/Tonks. It’s not that I’m overly fond of them, as you well know, but rather that I do want some romance in the story, and couples are currently a bit lacking. But I shan’t torment you with them too much, promise.
My love, this was such an uplifting review, and it made me grin something terribly. Thank you! And… now I guess I had better go and finish the next chapter? Or write my reviews for Ch 20 of Sins? >.< I’m SO bad! But I do love you. More. =)
There is just something about pureblooded wizarding culture that fascinates me. I don’t know why - I’m of the opinion that it’s a mix of my interest in the lifestyles of the rich and the tour de force known as Sins of the Father - and that’s why this is alluring. Well, one of the many, many reasons, most of which I’ll get to later. I could tell you that it’s because I’ve read enough of your work to know that this will be of the highest caliber, but that’s a given, and you’ll deny it anyway even though it’s true, so it’s not that. I could also say that it’s because of the fantastically written summary which gives me willies reading it because I just *know* it’ll be amazing. But I think that the main reason that it’s alluring is the fact that when you go to read it, the first sentence just completely grabs you - “A young man was standing half-way up an impressive staircase, looking down on the sea of people mingling below.” - and all of a sudden, you’re on this ride that buckles you up and takes you along whether you like your pureblooded wizards or not.
Your greatest strength, Anna, is that you have this innate ability to take what would seem as only minor details and make them full of richness and splendor. For instance - “A satisfied smile played on his lips, and he was dressed in robes of the finest cut and quality, by the best wizard tailors.” It not only gives us insight into this man’s character, but it resonates high society, for who else would have been dressed in robes such as those if not the highest in the social ladder?
“As he browsed the crowds, he remembered something better yet: that dressed in red and dancing in the ball room was his new fiancée, showing off her qualities to less privileged men.” I can’t help but wonder Anna, if Lucius is speaking of being privileged in the manner of his wife, her bosom, or the fact he has more money then the rest of the attendees? Upon further reading into the paragraph, it turns out that no, he really likes her. Interesting. Anna, you have his character wrapped around your little finger.
“It would be good if the two women could get along, seeing as they would be living at the same manor soon enough.” This sentence really amuses me. For one, I immediately think of the two sparring against each other and word duels to the intensity of Lucius’ and Siobhan’s. Well, almost. The second thing that I think of when I read this is the fact that Lucius won’t be moving out of his parents’ house, unlike the culture here in the US where we like to move out as soon as humanly possible. Houses must be passed through the families too, eh?
“Lucius was distracted from his musings when a heavy hand was placed on his shoulder.” It’s exactly like a movie. And what’s coming next, the little exchange between Lucius and his father - and the description of their relationship - really demonstrates why pureblooded society is as indifferent and gossipy and cold as it is.
“Both Malfoys watched as a certain Orion Black, tall and threateningly handsome, joined in the conversation below. Abraxas’ hand on Lucius’ shoulder immediately stiffened, before he quickly withdrew it.” I do believe that this is one of those moments where you give so much meaning to one little bit of your story. It just demonstrates what you have said earlier - “Lucius knew his father was still jealously guarding her from other men, a fact that never ceased to surprise him.” Delicious details, m’dear.
I’m going to skip through the story now - for if I continue the way I’m going, this review will reach the length of a football field. For giants. *nods* I’m picking up here. “Lydia, reading her son as easily as an open Potions book, smirked knowingly. ‘Lucius dear, why don’t you give Miss Grace a tour of the house?’” Oh, Lydia. How I DO love you and your ability to detect sexual tension. Not only are you such a graceful woman and clearly gorgeous, you know when there is clearly interest between two people and - as I will elaborate further ahead in this review - when they are about to shag like bunnies. I applaud you.
“He turned towards the magnificent woman, preparing to untwist his tongue. But as he took in the sight of her, hair aglow with reflections from chandelier light and figure subtly framed by green draperies, he felt words travelling over his lips with surprising easiness. Contrary to most of his species, Lucius does in fact find it easier to talk to a gorgeous woman then an ugly simpleton. It also strikes me curious as how he doesn’t strive to impress our dear Miss Malory. Of does he? Not wanting to seem like a simpleton would, in fact, count. Once again, your attention to detail strikes me as your biggest strength.
“He figured she could not have been too displeased, because she chose to answer. “Neither, thank you. I would like to look around but only a little, and talk even less.” I want to talk about this bit due to the fact it’s the only sentence I could find where I found something I love and something I could live without. I’ll first say that with all the rich verbs, adjectives, phrases, and dialogue that you have twinkling throughout, “figured” seems heavily out of place. I would substitute with a word like “guessed”, which sounds much more distinguished. However, “could not have been too displeased” is probably my favorite bit in the entire prologue, for it is a paradox of words and uses double negatives but it works. It not only works, but it makes the sentence stand out, even though normally, a sentence such as this, with such little importance, wouldn’t. Bravo, bravo!
“The rooms were buzzing with chatting and occasional spells, and sparkles from multiple Glamour charms twinkled in the intoxicating air.” I must eat my words. THIS is my favorite phrase in the entire piece. This is mainly because you invented Glamour charms. And, to top that off, you followed if with what is quite possibly the best string of words that you could have used. Fantastic. : )
“‘I’ve already met with the people I wanted to speak to,” he shrugged. “I tend to think that the rest is for women’s amusement.’” To fit in some more crit, I must say that “shrugging” seems like a very simpleton thing for Mr Malfoy to do. I do, however, enjoy the insight we get from this statement. Surely not all women enjoy the balls, yes? I also believe that some of the men might enjoy parties as well. Could we be stereotyping, Lucius? For shame!
“‘I see. What a pity.’ She took another sip of wine and closed her eyes.” This really speaks for itself. You obviously know how to suggest that seduction is being used here, all with a simple, nonchalant motion and a few words of dialogue. Heavens, Anna, I do believe your attention to detail strikes again! But what makes this even more enjoyable is Lucius’ reaction: “Lucius felt as if a dazzling light had suddenly been extinguished.” I giggled when I read this. I don’t know why. It just amused me.
I’m skipping past the sudden lustful!Lucius and the dance scene, for they really explain themselves - and I’m going to talk about this: “‘Mr Malfoy.’ She demanded his attention in a low voice that made him tremble. ‘Are you planning on escorting me to somewhere more private? Or are we to risk a scandal behind one of your draperies?’” Mainly, I’m quoting this because of “Or are we to risk a scandal behind one of your draperies?”. I LOVE this line. It sounds poetic and naughty and something like a woman of high estate would say when they are about to shag like bunnies (like a simpleton such as myself would say). Very amusing, and your character abilities take a moment to shine through here. Before, they only take a backseat, but I do believe that this is when you finally have them at the forefront. Why? Well…
“He did not answer, but looked towards the hall. Tightening her grip on his wrist, Lydia Malfoy shook her head. ‘No, my son. I thought I had raised you not to be a fool? Find a better way through the back rooms!’
He almost forgot his urgency and stopped to closely examine her face. “Mother?”
“Go, Lucius. And don’t let your father see you.”
This, my dear, makes you and Lydia WIN AT LIFE. Not only is the exchange totally unexpected, it’s also uncalled for, not needed, but so incredibly delicious and reveal so much about Lydia’s character that I am in total shock. Anna. Honestly. That was incredible.
I am now (finally!) at the end of the review, and I can truly say this: I look forward to reading the rest of your fic. And, let me finish by saying this: Lucius may have been seduced by Grace, but I was seduced by the amazing imagery, bits of humour, and story telling you always include in your work.
Author's Response: I can’t believe that you managed to include the word ‘bosom’ in the review, my precious. XD
No, but seriously, I didn’t really intend for Lucius to like Narcissa, but rather the idea of Narcissa – a pure-blood woman attractive enough for other men to be jealous, who could spend her days squeezing out little Malfoy heirlings or sit upon a velver sofa like an expensive ornament.
About the whole “two women getting along” thing, I put that in there to try and show a bit of Lucius’ general attitude to women. Even his mother, whom he loves and respects, is “just a woman” and he looks down on them and hopes that they will get along, sort of like naughty children. The things women find amusing or argue about cannot possibly be of any importance to a man, Lucius believes. And then Grace comes along and teaches him that some women are different…
Lydia, yes… She knows her son’s emotions very well, as does she everyone else’s. >.> Oh my, did I say too much now?
As a matter of fact, it’s Grace’s Veela-blood that loosens Lucius’ tongue (no pun intended, *cough*). I thought this would make sense, as we’ve seen proof of how some men get rather wordy around Veelas and part-Veelas. Lucius is indeed not a simpleton, so I figured that loosing his tongue a little would be sufficient.
*giggles at Patrick trying to give concrit* I shall most definitely look into that bit, m’dear.
*GRINS* I’m SO pleased you liked Lydia’s character and how she encourages Lucius to have himself a taste of a real woman before getting married to Mrs Boring – ehm, I mean Black.
Patrick, my love, that was… a truly stunning and somewhat overwhelming review. What can I say? Thank you, obviously, but also WELCOME BACK! :D
Grace seems so firm to have Lucius stay out of her son's life. From your writing, I can understand why; Lucius' role in Lucas' life would complicate young Lucas' life too much, Lucas already has a fatherly figure in his life, AND Lucius' reputation would be beyond repair if the scandal did surface. It makes me wonder though: didi she truly care for Lucius at all? Would the last reason just be a reason of convenience? From the resemblance between 'Lucas Malory' and 'Lucius Malfoy,' I'd say it was a subtle recognition of the father.
I really would've liked to see the Wizarding world's reaction to Lucas' birth. Perhaps Narcissa could've said something about it between Grace's first and second letters. It would've made the chapter more rounded, accounting for the rest of the world rather than just Grace, Lucius, and Lucas.
Lucas knows of your existence, but I am pleased to say that he has never shown any interest in seeing you or even hearing about you.
That line made me snort out loud. What a paradox.
With a quick movement of his wand, he erased both Grace Malory and her letter from his life.
I really liked the finality that line had insinuated, only to see that Grace and Lucas continue to weave themselves into Lucius' life. It's interesting to see such one-sidedness; never does Lucius attempt to contact the Malorys. This could be misconstrued into showing that Grace, despite her words, really does integrate herself and her son into Lucius' life.
Loved seeing the comparison between Lucas and Draco. Poor Draco cannot match the skills and talents of his older half-brother. Your words showed that despite Lucius' efforts, he can't help but appreciate Lucas as his son and rather condemns Draco for the lack of talent.
I remembered vaguely that Draco told Harry in SS that he was nearly sent to Durmstrang; VERY GOOD JOB in incorporating that in your chapter. How ingenious of you for having Lucius consider Durmstrang because Lucas went to Hogwarts!
Some nitpicking:
at lest tell you. -- Should that be "at least" or "at last?"
son if his -- Son of his.
made yeas ago -- made years ago.
When reading trough the letter -- When reading through the letter.
Author's Response: Beth! Another amazing review!
Oh, yes, Grace did care for Lucius, but she’s a very rational woman and knew that there was no way they could ever work out together. And she cared for her son much, much more than her lover. Lucas’ name, however, is indeed intended to be a small recognition of his father. Plus, Grace liked it. ;)
To tell you the truth, there really wasn’t a “reaction” to Lucas’ birth in the Wizarding world. As Grace said, it was all very privately taken care of, and among the pure-bloods, where one might have spotted Lucas’ resemblance to his father, those things were often turned a blind eye at. Lucas also wasn’t out and about much before he went to Hogwarts, which I think might be rather typical for magical children.
Thanks for the nitpicking and your praise, Beth darling. :D
I am very much ashamed to be one of the few SPEW members who have not yet read this story. And wow, am I glad I started!
I love the mystery you've surrounded Grace Malory with. From your descriptions, I could tell she really is a creature of grace. The way she seduces Lucius so subtly, with a little aid from her bloodline, was powerfully worded. There must be something that is driving her to pursue Lucius, a man who's so much younger than herself, if she really is thirty. It's interesting to see a family who wasn't pure-blood whom the Malfoys could see fit to invite. I wonder if they would've been invited if they were part-troll rather than part-veela.
Lucius' character is also intriguing. I'm not used to seeing him act this way, so human and somewhat warm (with lust, albeit). Perhaps he acts this way only among "his own kind;" I recognized a bit of the familiar Lucius when he interacted with the house-elves and first met the Malorys.
I liked your introduction of Narcissa through his eyes as well as his viewpoint of love. He and Grace share that "I-must-not-be-owned" sort of pride and makes them more suited for each other. I do wish to see Narcissa's reaction to the scandal though. Certainly, she must have some Petunia aspects in that she keeps a scrutinous eye on her "prize," Lucius and should've noticed something peculiar.
...organise the many folds of her black dress before sitting down. Sitting down in a matching chair on the opposite side of a small table.
For me, seeing "sitting down" twice in a row was awkward. Perhaps the second one should be "lowering himself into a matching chair" might have been better.
Grace says something about seeing the same old faces at balls. If that is so, why haven't Lucius met her before? Or did she direct it so that she's saying, "Hey, a new face!"? Her words seemed to contradict the situation.
Lovely prologue part one :) Off to the second part!
Author's Response: Beth! Thank you for such a spiffing review!
Grace, yes... She didn't arrive at the party with a plan to seduce Lucius Malfoy, but simply saw the opportunity and decided to go for it. To her, who was at the time almost thirty years old, the party was dull and like many other social gatherings she had been dragged along to by parents who were hoping that she would finally find a man to marry. She knew almost all the faces and despised most of them, but Lucius (who was only really just out of Hogwarts at the time) managed to tickle her fancy. She really didn’t think that they would share more than a night, but, well… it turned out to be quite a few nights, mainly because he turned out to be such an excellent student. She probably would have continued seeing Lucius after his marriage if she hadn’t gotten pregnant. So, yes, Grace was mostly interested in Lucius as a lover, but she did grow very fond of him. I mean, who wouldn’t? >.>
I’ve been meaning to create a one-shot in which Grace tries to write the first letter to Lucius (that’s in the second part of the prologue), and it’s quite possible that I’ll include some thoughts of hers about how Narcissa has been suspicious, or maybe even confronted Grace or Lucius… we’ll see when I have time to type it down. =)
Thanks for noticing that repetition! I’m allergic to them myself, so I’m so glad that you caught it. And again, thank you for the lovely review!
*sighs contentedly* My dearest Anna, I’m so sorely tempted, even after my third re-read of the story, to start reading it all over again, but I shall try to resist at least until I finish writing this review for you. ;) Now, oh, where do I even begin?
The first thing that caught my attention about this story was the mood you so wonderfully capture – just so tranquil. *sighs* That you have a way with words is an understatement. I loved how your words just flow, almost like poetry; the rhythm, the pacing of the story. Absolutely delicious.
There, where the afternoon mist softened the outlines of London, the translation had come to him.
There. That’s what I’m talking about. “… afternoon mist that softened the outlines of London”? *sighs* Lovely, dear.
And I must bring up Mr Lucas Malory now. I absolute adore him – truly a treasure of an OC. An insane part of my brain even refuses to acknowledge that Lucas is an OC; Lucas is just too real for me, see? *giggles* It’s not very often that we get to see characters like him in fiction, much less fanfiction, because the general norm is to write about a hero and a villain – good and evil, in black and white terms like that. The very fact that Lucas is neither a hero nor a villain intrigues me greatly. He’s almost a nobody, and it makes easier for everyday people to connect to him, for how many heroes and villains do you see in normal life?
But if Lucas had ever experienced the feeling before, he might have recognised the tremble of curiosity that touched his mind.
Aww, that was depressing. Lucas seems to have been deprived of living, it seems. It’s almost like he only just existed for so long, as a part of the society who just stayed, neither adding or deducting from it. Indifferent, minding his own business for the most part, something I can easily relate to. ;)
He was a Malory, for sure, but no whole thing was ever made without two halves.
Oh, my. *grins* I love the sheer simplicity of these words, just a plain statement makes my heart flutter. No whole thing was ever made without two halves. What a fantastic way to convey the idea that Lucas was half-made of Malfoy! *sighs*
Lucas had made a few indecent attempts at examining their feelings, but their hearts were closed to him, as if by some kind of emotional Occlumency.
I’m intrigued by Lucas’ power to examine other people’s emotions. I’m curious to know how exactly it works; is more about that skill of his coming along in the next few chapters?
The item seemed to be a part of him, like an extra heart beating against his palm, pumping belonging through his veins. Mal-foy, Mal-foy, Mal-foy, it whispered. A seductive voice, one that could kindle longing within any soul.
Oh, wow! Such excellent mental imagery! Anna, this totally sent chills up my spine. Absolutely froze my mind for a second. Hauntingly beautiful, my dear.
And, I loved how you effortlessly worked DH canon (or showed us the other side, rather) into the story – like the fact that Crookshanks was actually with Charlie! Hee.
I just caught two typos in this chapter for you:
Malfoy’s actions as a Death Eaters have resulted in several deaths and broken families, and our Order cannot sit idly by and watch while he returns to Lord Voldemort’s side.
It should say just “Death Eater” here, yes?
Aw, poor Mrs Prewitt, sick again.
Molly’s maiden name is spelt Prewett, if I’m not mistaken. =]
And this review would be incomplete if I didn’t mention this concluding sentence:
Compared to what he had felt a little while ago this was nothing; it was barely noticeable, but it was, as he realised with much confusion, entirely his own.
Ah, that tiny ray of hope that sends flutters through my heart again. I’m very interested and a tad impatient for the next chapter – the Charlie-Lucas interaction must be, if nothing else, very interesting.
Author's Response: *blushes* Preethi, you're too kind and wonderful! Thank you for such amazing praise! And, of course, the nitpicking, which I will correct in the chapter as soon as I get a chance.
Yes, poor Lucas. >.> His life hasn't exactly been very interesting up until now - but I'm planning on putting some action into it, for good and for bad. Hee.
Yep, Lucas "skill" is ever-present and I think I at least mention it in most of the chapters. A full explanation will be offered before the very end... or at least as full as the character in question can provide. *mysterious smile*
I'm sorry that you've had to wait for the next chapter for so long, but I'm hoping to send it to Kasey soon. Thanks again for your lovely review, Preethi darling!
I like how the perspective has chaned from Lucius to Lucas. Of course this happened in the last chapter, but it seems... stonger here. Lucas knows who his father is, what he's done, or at least the extent at which the Daily Prophet had reported it. It kind of makes me sad that Grace urged Lucius to be careful, not only for his own sake, but for the sake of his son. He's obviously broken that promise. And I'm interested to see how that plays out...
They leaned in, they reached up; they were like drowning men begging for rescue, but Lucas could offer none.
*shiver* the imagery here is just beautifully horrible.
awww... I like that Lucas is so sentimental about his wand. That no one else had touched it since Olivander placed it in his hands. Bittersweet actually, that he wasn't close enough to anyone that anyone else could have touched it.
He had opened a cell door for Lucas, and the lightless space inside was suddenly threatening to suck him inside. Panicking slightly, he just stared at the Auror.
Even without the presence of Dementors, this is a chilling vision-- being sucked into the darkness... Oh, I would be terrified! To be imprisioned for absoluetly nothing more than being in the company of an Auror when he's summoned to an emergency. The imagery of his clausterphobia is breathtaking in it's felling of panic.
Slowly, like when one wakes up from a nightmare that doesn’t want to let go off you...
"off" should be "of"
What I need to ask you though, Mr Malory, is whether you will agree to assisting me or not?”
"assisting" ought to be "assist"
He was no Legilimens, but well equipped with a different ability, so instead of prodding Lucius’ mind he sought out his heart.
Oh! Facinating!!! I think reading people's emotions rather than their thoughts and memories would be almost more telling. I'm very interested in this particular trait of his! And the fact that he gained this gift from his father, a Death Eater, rather than his part-Veela mother.
the password is tiramisu...
bwahahahahaha! Perfect!
Hmmm... okay, so you've left me with a lot of unanswered questions. First of all, why would Malfoy be allowed to keep personal affects on his body in prision... okay, stupid question that probably means nothing. Of course the other questions revolve around Lucas' trip to Malfoy Manner, what the document contains, and how it will help.
My greatest hope is that Lucas can pull his father (and surrounding family) up to his level, rather than his father pulling him down. Excellent story going here Annalove! I can't wait to see what you have next in store!
Author's Response: *beams and blushes* You're too kind, Amanda, with such beautiful compliments. And thanks for the nitpicking!
omg. It seems like I can WRITE about touching wands without being bothered by it, but READING about it - Amanda, could you hand me a bucket of bleach, please? I need to soak my dirty brain in it. x.x
Whee, I'm glad you're intrigued by Lucas' ability. It's not entirely my own invention - I've borrowed the idea from an author called Jennifer Roberson, but I plan on using it differently from how she did. And, yes, the gift runs in Lucius' line - he gets it from his mother, as a matter of fact. >.>
Malfoy definitely wasn't allowed to keep personal affects - he just did it anyway. Well, not "just", because it took a bit of planning and cunning from his part. But the Malfoy coin is different... it's... how should I say... less obvious, to people without Malfoy blood. And I'm sorry to say that Lucas' visit to the Manor will be a bit delayed... but he will get there, eventually. Promise. ;)
heee... to start off, it's my birthday again :)
I absolutely love this paragraph:
As such, many of Lucas and his likes came to be somewhat socially inept, because no formal training of greetings or table manners could ever really replace the interaction with others of their age. Most young wizards got over this fairly quickly after crossing the great doorstep of Hogwarts, but not all. By accident or fluke, some were overlooked. Some never found a Potions partner, a study group or a place in the Gobstones Club.
It makes me so sad, but psychologically, it's so true (not that I've studied pure-blood wizard children in any psychology class-- wouldn't that be awesome?!) but I have done a lot of child psychology, and this so holds true for only children who don't have a lot of contact with other kids when they're young. Some will make it when they reach school, make friends and be just fine, and others will continue in their solitude. I can see where Lucas feels left out- secluded from his peers. it makes my heart break for him.
Heeeee... Only Anna would write a story that has dogs wandering around as companions. I adore the attention to details you have love.
and went over to the fire to feed his leftovers to the dogs. Beating their long tail against the rug, they happily accepted bits of meat and bread.
"tail" should be "tails"
Lucas answer was short, and had the circumstances been less serious he might have been tempted to snort at the question.
"Lucas" should be Lucas' or Lucas's
Okay... so I'm trying to do a timeline here... This is September 27, 1997. It should be Harry's 7th year... I'm not sure when you posted this, before or after DH? I know that you were going to include some DH spoilers, even if you started this before then. So is Lucius in Azkaban (pre-DH release) or at Malfoy Manner (post DH)? I'm assuming he's currently in Azkaban, since Yaxley and Nott cannot visit him. Very interesting... *giggles* here I go speculating again!
I guess my answer will come in the next chapter, that I will eagerly run to now.
Author's Response: Yes, I do like to be cruel to my poor OC. I believe it makes him a better person. >.> Or at least more interesting.
OF COURSE there has to be dogs! And flying horses! And house-elves! I firmly believe that all true pure-blood families surround themselves with such useful companions.
Yep, I started writing this story over a year ago, so I had no idea that JKR would so sneakily get Lucius out of prison - he's still in Azkaban in my fic, which you will soon discover.
Thanks for your nitpicking, love, and of course the excellent review! :D
Okay, so after looking at the review page, I obviously did not have that much of interest to say. My only defense was that I was too eager to move on!
So I'll follow my usual procedure of commenting as I go. First of all, I amire Grace a lot. To have the baby, then anounce to Lucius in letter that the child was born, and her intentions with his future, shows so much... confidence. Lucius of course would briefly consider leaving Narcissa for Grace, but of course he wouldn't. There was too much at stake, reputation, honor, money... all things that run his life. He would not be the type to follow love when obligation stood in the way.
I really like how this chapter is set up with the communication from Grace, and Lucius' thoughts. So Lucas was a motivation for his interest in Hogwarts. I can't wait to see how this might influence his contact with is oldest son. I did have to laugh as he sat there and watched his son fall off a broom, while drinking wine. So.... Malfoy.
*sniff* Grace died on my birthday. :(
Oh... that little flash of Malfoy and Lucas' chance meeting was very interesting. What a contrast between Lucas and Draco. Lucas, the illegitamate child is the one that's studeous, well groomed and follows through with what is predicted of him. Draco, the child of a pureblodd marriage is woefully behind. He tries, we know he does, but just can't get on top the way he wants to. He's beaten in every class by a "mudblood", Harry Potter bests him in Quidditch and popularity. And only Snape seems to favor him. It almost makes me feel sorry for little Draco.
So now we have the set up: Lucius has another son- seemingly perfect. But has been asked to stay away, and so far has. But that can't be the end of it. How are they going to end up being thrown together? Or are Lucas and Draco going to end up confronted with their father's history. The one great protector of the secret, Grace, is gone. How will that effect their relationship? Will Lucas seek out Lucius for answers? or perhaps the other way around?
LOL, I love speculating in reviews. I think it amuses the authors to no end. Because surely, I'm no where close. So althought this review is completely lacking on concrit, I move on. I'm very fascinated by your characterization, and I didn't even find any typos, so there went any opportunity! Excellent work love!
Author's Response: Hee. I love your speculations too, Amanda! VERY inspiring! *mysterious grin*
And, aww, I didn't mean to have her die on your birthday! How clumsy of me, *slaps self on typing fingers*
*gasp!* Am I making you feel sorry for Draco?! That was absolutely NOT my intention! *confesses to not being a great Draco fan* Though, to comfort you - remember that Draco was at least acknowledged, and even if he was beaten in everything he's still got the high Malfoy horse to sit upon. ;) Thanks for the review, my dearest Panda!
Anna my love, you have been sooooo acoomodating to me these last couple of months. Your patience and friendship to me mean more than you can ever know. So, in return, I shall bestow upon you some review love. *Hug*
And it didn’t hurt that the youngest of the Black sister was by far the fairest to look at...
"sister" should be "sisters"
Are you planning on escorting me to somewhere more private? Or are we to risk a scandal behind one of your draperies?
Ha ha ha ha! I love it! Grace is a woman who knows what she wants and knows how to get it. She doesn't have to ask for what she want, merely directs his own predictable reactions to get what she desires. I love it!
Anna, you are amazing. already I'm hooked. How horrible of me is it that it took me so long to open this little gem. I love the contrasts in emotions. Lucius is genteel, wealthy, being groomed to become what his father is, and does not let silly things like love get in his way. He's selected a wife with the right bank account and set of mind. So the fact that he would meet someone that he would risk running through a ballroom for is quite amusing to me. You paint a brilliant picture here, and I'm eager to see what happens next!
Author's Response: *grins* Amanda, I can only say how absolutely grateful I am to have you as a friend.
I'm delighted that you liked the first part of the prologue, and really hope that you will come to like the upcoming chapters as much.
Thanks for a lovely review, precious. =)
Purity and pride, patrimony and power.
I love the utter simplicity of this. Do you remember saying that people put too much weight on cosmetics of words? And praising me for not doing so – I give the praise back to you. You use words in such a beautiful way – it’s elegant. He didn’t have to read it; the words had been forever etched onto his mind since he had first dared to unpocket the coin on the mainland. That is what I’m talking about. Utter, simplistic elegance.
The item seemed to be a part of him, like an extra heart beating against his palm, pumping belonging through his veins. Mal-foy, Mal-foy, Mal-foy, it whispered. A seductive voice, one that could kindle longing within any soul. This is wonderfully vivid – the imagery is so crisp and clear that I can literally feel my own heart beat in the same rhythm as Lucas’, chiming with the same words in my ears. all while trying to figure out his father and the workings of a Malfoy mind Ah, haven’t we all tried to do that at one point or another? It makes Lucas very real to me. I can see him, lying on a bed with his eyes closed, feeling that terrible rhythm in his veins, and puzzling over his father’s thoughts.
I’m struggling to NOT copy+paste the entire chapter into this review and leave my thoughts on each and every line in this review, but no promises can be made as I got to the very next paragraph and read: Curious he was, and perhaps also enchanted, but definitely not stupid. The very wry, almost self-mocking humor inherent in this one line strikes me – it makes me smile, but it also gives me a slight chill. Beautifully done.
I love how you don’t waste words on needless imagery that does nothing except create filler. Too many authors waste countless words, but you are always direct. You tell your reader exactly what they need to know to visualize the scene, but you don’t overload them with three hundred words about taking a shirt off and the feel of the cotton against his hands or such. It’s quite refreshing to read something so crisp and clean, without being bogged down in meaningless details. *has a feeling there will come a scene where he takes his shirt off and it takes three hundred words just to spite me*
I’m not too sure about Tonks being addressed as Miss Tonks. Not to say that Remus wouldn’t do it, but that she wouldn’t take to it very kindly. Yes, that is the thing that concerned me.
And the shortage of fear, he found, left plenty of room for annoyance. YES! I love Lucas’ sense of humor and just the voice you give him in this story. He’s truly a treasure of an OC.
And if I say no, I can’t imagine that you would simply believe me and just leave me be?” LOL! He’s just too funny. I found myself laughing throughout the entire scene between these three.
But if Lucas had ever experienced the feeling before, he might have recognised the tremble of curiosity that touched his mind. and this is just so lonely and depressing all of a sudden. It’s so well-done.
You’ve captured Tonks’ voice perfectly as well in the remainder of the chapter – and now we come to my favorite part: Charlie. *SIGH*
Oh! Crookshanks! I didn’t notice him before! What in heaven’s name is he doing there? LOL!
The last line of this chapter is utterly disconcerting for poor Lucas – but I adore it. All in all, my dear, a fantastic chapter of the first caliber!
Author's Response: *grins* Kasey, I have no idea how you manage to be such a spectacular beta AND write wonderful reviews! Thank you!
<.< Write 300 words about how Lucas takes his shirt off? Would I? Surely not! (Except, you know, to spite you, and to flaunt the sheer sexiness of my OC.)
Hee. I'm glad you caught the 'Miss Tonks' bit - I have Remus saying that to tease her, as he's well aware that she won't take it too kindly. But, yes, maybe I need to add an extra glare there, or something.
Charlie, yes. Bwhaha! What would you say if I told you that there will soon be a chapter including a shirtless Charlie in your inbox? And ickle Crookshanks will be explained, too. =)
Again, thanks for such a wonderful review, Kasey love!
UH, when are you planning to update this story? It's been awhile.
UH, when are you planning to update this story? It's been awhile.
Author's Response: The next chapter was submitted today. I hope you enjoy it.
Oh! Such oppression from obligations! I certainly don't have dire/dangerous obligations like Lucas, but yeah... I'll pretend it's the same as my own life. Oh, Anna, I just love you. And Gah! Once you've brought up the rumors that will spread, I now think Lucius is so selfish and I hate him for putting Lucas into this position.
The scene-setting description you give for Azkaban is so chilling. It sets such an eerie mood that I nearly shivered. Probably would have shivered if it wasn't so bloody hot on this summer night.
Lucas' agony in the cell was my own agony.
Lucius, though I'm mad at him for making Lucas come to Azkaban, has me in awe of his actions, his influence, his intentions, and the task he has Lucas asking him for assistance in. This chapter really did not allow me much time to want to stop and write any notes. All I wanted to do was keep reading. I love that about your writing. Really. Even though in the review for the previous chapter, I said I appreciated a balance of engaging and simple, this chapter makes me think I was lying. Gah! I crave more! You turn over your storytelling to the reader so well. I'm left nearly incoherent at the end of this chapter. I need to know what happens next!
Author's Response: :D Another review from the bestest Mar! *grins* I’m so glad this chapter captured you, and even gladder that by the time I write this, I have already shared the next chapter with you. ;) I submitted it today, and I hope that you will think as well of it as you did of this chapter. =)
One thing I enjoy about your style of writing is the way you make the magical world you're describing sound - not like the fairy tale sort of place it is, but like the real world. An example of this is portrayed in the line 'A sight that was perhaps not frightening, but that would still make any sensible person walk faster and lock their door tightly once at home.' I've felt that many times myself, so yes... gives it such a real world feeling. And I must say I'm sad that autumn, my favorite month, can't currently be its pleasant, beautiful self in the story.
All the memories you give from Lucas... I envy him those powerful recollections.
What mustn't it feel like to be so wholly dedicated to a cause that you would willingly sacrifice your life for it?
I think you might mean 'must' there, instead of 'mustn't'. Though I do love the word mustn't.
As lucas' role in society, I guess you could call it, is described, I feel and identify with some of what you wrote: the semi-iscolation of being an only child; participating minimally in a group or organization; and knowing your departure will mean little, if anything, to the place you leave behind. I recently heard that a person I was on somewhat friendly terms with a year ago didn't remember who I was until the person he was talking to said "Marie and Shanae". Then he remembered who I was. And it's not a *terrible* thing, I suppose, but anyway, you did describe it very well.
Can I just say, YAY LAMPPOSTS!
Now, Lucas approaching the house... You know, until your narrative mentions the east wing, the house seems so inviting, and I'm anxious to get my reader self in there, and there's just a slight dropping of spirit when I read about it.
"Lucas! There you are! I thought for a moment there that..."
The grammar girl in me doesn't like having two 'theres' so close together. On the other hand, it is just Maximilian speaking, and we're not always perfect in our real life dialogue. I suppose revision of one of those 'theres' really depends upon how refined Mr Malory's speech is.
Yes, if I could have some cold meat and bread, and a glass of red wine[insert comma] too."
...
He almost jumped, not having heard the house-elf appeared behind him.
/other two nitpicks.
"Just like the two of you," he said to the big dogs who had settled on the rug before the fireplace.
Does this speak of other dog owners? Only saying part of their thoughts aloud to their faithful companions? It sounds like how I sometimes speak to my cats. -grin- We pet owners are ridiculously in love with our dear ones.
When Scrumpy returned with the food, he gently placed the glass of wine in Lucas' unoccupied hand, knowing that his young master sometimes forgot about matters like food and drink when he got his nose stuck in a book.
I love this book obsession in any person, so yay because I can latch onto Lucas' character in yet another way. Also, Scrumpy, and I assume Herby, seem to be a bit more presumptuous - for lack of a better word - with their servitude. It makes me think of Dobby and DH!Kreacher, in fact, with tells us that the Malorys obviously treat their hour-elves well. I love all of the subtle ways you characterize.
Oh snap. I must say that the execution of the rest of the chapter captured me in a way that I was unable to pause for any reflection whatsoever, much like any other authors I love. I appreciate balance in that respect: passages that are engaging, ones that prompt reflection by the reader, and places where I can feel free to pause, if necessary. You had a good blend of all those in this chapter.
It was truly lovely, Anna dear.
Author's Response: Thanks for another brilliant review, my Mar! This one had several useful notes in it, and I promise you that I will sit down and have a look at them when I get the time.
Yep, Lucas speaks to the dogs quite often, as does he to the horses and to other animals. He’s not a dog/animal person per se, and I’m sure that he couldn’t handle a boisterous, bouncing Labrador Retriever or a nervous, young flying horse, but he gets along really well with calm and “thoughtful” animals. Because Grace often had owl babies at home, there has never been a cat at Merridown, but something tells me that he might really like a cat friend, and that a cat might be inclined to approve of him.
You’re right about the Malorys treating their house-elves well. Maximilian can be a bit more demanding, but that’s just his character. Grace spent a significant amount of time teaching her son to always be polite and to respect all living things, and that helps him get by in a world where he might have been a bit lost otherwise. Whenever Lucas doesn’t know how to act, he always falls back to a quiet politeness. /blabbering
Nice job with this chapter, Anna! I really loved the setup. You built it up slowly, starting with Lucius and moving to his father and then to the Mallory's introduction. By the time the dancing began, you hooked your readers (including me!) in and the rapture never stopped from there! I'm not one to set up my stories like this – I like the hook right away, but I rather enjoyed this change in style. It was refreshing and effective to slowly build up to the part where you can't look away from the story because by then, you're already emotionally connected to the characters and the "hook" has so much more meaning/anticipation involved with it! :)
I also really loved your characterization. Very few romances featuring Lucius show him as an inexperienced, suave-but-hesitant aristocrat. It's refreshing to see that side of him, and it works really well with Grace's more experienced, sultry persona. I think we see enough of suave!Lucius that is his future self to make it believable, and yet, he's still…young.
My one worry with this chapter is that…the romance line you have going is cliché. Experienced woman with younger man has been done over and over. While I realize that this isn't a romance, it would have been nice, maybe, to vary the cliché somehow. (Maybe Grace could be experienced and be HIS age? *gasp* Or something?) My other complaint is that there are many errors with dialogue tag punctuation – commas where there should be periods, for the most part. If you want to fix that, a beta can look over the story for that fairly quickly.
Your characterization and imagery make this beginning absolutely gorgeous. You really take readers' emotions along with the characters for this tumultuous ride. Thank you for making my heart race and making me sit on the edge of my seat!
Great beginning – this story's going to be a winner! :)
Kumy
Author's Response: Hi Kumy! Thanks for your kind and helpful review. =) I’m sorry that you felt that the Grace/Lucius “relationship” was cliché, but it was necessary for the story. I wanted to really emphasise Lucius’ inexperience on the subject, and I also needed Grace to be old and independent enough to deal with… ehm, the following consequences of their liaison. But to comfort you, I can assure you that the affair was fairly brief, and that it didn’t have a happy ending. ;)
I apologise for the dialogue punctuation errors, though I can’t seem to detect most of them. Perhaps if you have a moment sometime, you could explain further what you mean.
Thanks again for the review, Kumy. I really hope that you will enjoy the upcoming chapters.