Name: celphy (Signed) · Date: 05/21/14 13:47 · For: The Maiden and the Beggar

Details. Amazing.

I feel like Hermione would have been more of a person to storm off. Anyways.
The part with the "poor sinner" is very well written. Although I would be a bit disappointed if there wasn't a more sublimal message than the obvious one.


Conclusion:
I'm mere weeks away from my final exams and all I want is to continue reading :D. If you release more chapters you're propably responsible for my failure. If you don't you're responsible for my cravings and bad mood.
What a situation to be in, right :D?

Author's Response:

Re: Hermione storming off... I'll just say there are reasons it played out this way. Again, all in due time. :D

It's good that I shan't be responsible for your failure. But it's bad to have to wait for next. I will try to update considerably faster than I did last time, though.

I've really enjoyed all your comments, celphy! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review.

Name: celphy (Signed) · Date: 05/21/14 13:43 · For: Toil, Trouble

Benoit is a double-edged sword. You introduced him well. He greets the reader not as some slimeball but as a classy Playboy. The more we get to know about him the more this impressions shifts. If this is intentionally it is well done. I propably would have outlined him a bit more. He's a bit one-dimensional at that point.

Author's Response:

The thing about Benoit is, as a reader, you must consider the source. How reliable of a narrator is Harry when it comes to this particular person? Maybe his perceptions are, let's say, skewed.

At any rate, I've only just begun with Benoit. Many things in store...

Thanks for the comment!

Name: celphy (Signed) · Date: 05/21/14 13:40 · For: One Rough Night in September

This would be my least favourite chapter for a number of reasons:

Ron doesn't give a shit? He's supposed to care more. They are best friends.

Harry wouldn't tell Hermione he's lonely in that kind of way. He's not the one to burry others beneath his own pain. But maybe thats the broken Harry. You might have your reasons here :).

Hermione would confront Ron about him being angry.

I think you did a good job on the drunken-Harry part. Although he propably would be a bit more ashamed of himself. Atleast on that level of awareness xD.

Author's Response:

Okay, celphy. I love questions and discussion. Let's discuss...

A) "Ron doesn't give a shit?"

I'm not 100% sure about the subject of this question, but Ron does seem to very much give a s*** about something, just Harry's obviously already healed toe ain't it.

B) "Harry wouldn't tell Hermione he's lonely in that kind of way."

She's trying to diffuse her own apprehension with humor, and he makes a self-deprecating joke back. Drunken lips let loose things sober ones don't, but, really, by this point in the evening, he's not dropping anything on her she doesn't already know.

C) "Hermione would confront Ron..."

How do you know she didn't? ;-) She hasn't *said* so, yet, but this doesn't mean it didn't happen.

D) "...he would probably be a bit more ashamed..."

Yes. The shame comes in the morning.

Thanks for your thoughts, here, celphy. :-)

Name: celphy (Signed) · Date: 05/21/14 13:35 · For: After

I think I like this chapter the best thus far. It feels real - the motivations and actions match my expectations of the characters in that situation.
Whats really neat is how you avoid naming explicit actions - but merely describe the outcome. Drafting the outcome into my mind leaving it for me to guess what happened beforehand.

"I hear the tinny clang, the puff of displaced air as it seals shut. There is a moment of nothing, then the metal on metal grate of the chain latch, the grind of the guts of the door-knob." Apart from this tiny repetition at the end (of the) this is so perfect.

I'd like Harry to become even more of a split-personality. What he's been through would reason a mental illness.

Author's Response:

Part of what I like about first person POV is the way it can focus the experience of the reader. Presenting only sensory details, the passage becomes(hopefully) as much about what he is doing in the moment (listening to the noises of her leaving, interpreting each sound), as what he's *not* doing (stopping her before she walks out the door).

And Harry... while he will definitely have certain neuroses, I'd rather leave full-blown psychosis alone. I don't think I want to go quite *that* dark :-)

Name: celphy (Signed) · Date: 05/21/14 13:27 · For: Before

I actually read through all (5) chapter before going back and creating an account.

Damn - reviewing isn't easy - I deleted 20+ beginnings already.

Let me begin like this - I like your story. But I love your style. Details. They make your world become so alive around me.
The opening lines are propably one of the best I have read in any FF thus far.

The way you play with the frame of time is really good. A sentence can cover Months or bare seconds.

As some points of criticism I'd like to point out that for a first time reader not clear what character the focus is on at that point in time and that some (I do xD) might have a bit of a differing Impression of the characters (Hermione is a little bit to insecure/touchy in my humble opinion).

What was I thinking after that chapter?
-Need to keep going
-This was Hermione, right?
-What?
(regarding "By the time I get to Harry’s, I need to be unbreakable and numb. I want to be frozen hard, inside and out, before I even raise a knuckle to knock on the door. ")

Author's Response: Hiya, celphy.

First- Thank you. I thank you for being adventurous enough to read on past ch. 1. Because it is vague, I know, but that's the way the O structure works. It begins at the crisis point then goes back to the beginning. Lots of readers give up, here. You're a trooper.

Second- you're right. Hermione is a bit... off. But there's a reason for it which will come up later. All in due time.

Third- I'm pleased you noticed the first sentences :-) They're a bit of an obsession of mine. Every thing else unspools from that first string of words, so they better be good.

Thanks so much for reading! ~S~

Name: Fynnsmom (Signed) · Date: 05/12/14 16:16 · For: The Maiden and the Beggar

Hermione sounds so lonely. I'm glad that my ex is many, many miles away so I don't have to chance meeting him or worse yet, meeting him with someone else.

Author's Response: It's a small society they live in, and I assumed they'd both still frequent some of the same places they used to go together. At least until something like this happens. Then people tend to change up their routines.

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing, Fynnsmom. Hopefully the next update will come sooner the last.

Name: Fynnsmom (Signed) · Date: 05/12/14 15:03 · For: Toil, Trouble

It sounds like Ron is using his miniscule range of emotions again. It's dangerous to get so boring before you even get married--doesn't keep the girls real interested.

Author's Response: Oh, Ron.

There are actually a set of complicated motivations for Ron's actions. I just haven't gotten there, yet. Finger's crossed, though. :-)

-S-

Author's Response: Oh, Ron.

There are actually a set of complicated motivations for Ron's actions. I just haven't gotten there, yet. Fingers crossed, though. :-)

-S-

Name: Fynnsmom (Signed) · Date: 05/11/14 23:39 · For: One Rough Night in September

That brought up memories of much younger days. People never learn do they. Drinking doesn't help. It makes you feel worse.

Author's Response: You are very right, but they are all still rather young, here. Unfortunately, "drinking won't make it go away" is often a hard lesson learned with time.

-S-

Name: Fynnsmom (Signed) · Date: 05/11/14 23:13 · For: After

Interesting--he didn't want to believe she'd leave him so he laid there and let her go, to punish her. That's a good way to explain one person leaving another.

Author's Response: That's a weird line, isn't it? I dithered over it, but then I thought it rang true to how we sometimes treat each other, so I left it in.

Thanks for reading and leaving your thoughts.

-S-

Name: Fynnsmom (Signed) · Date: 05/11/14 18:50 · For: Before

This is the first time i've read any of your work. I'm always looking for new authors. I like this so far. I'm divorced so this might bring back painful memories but oh well:D

Author's Response: Hi, Fynnsmom, I'm glad you like it. Thanks for giving it a shot, even if parts might hit a little close to home. -S-

Name: Padfoot Patronus (Signed) · Date: 04/17/13 11:38 · For: Toil, Trouble

Littlebird,

This isn't a review. You've been away for a while, so I hope you're okay and on to bigger things. When you come back to writing more of this, do know that I'd be sticking around to check it out.

Name: hpfan018 (Signed) · Date: 01/05/13 23:27 · For: Before

It's a little hard to understand,not knowing what is happening. Other than that,it's a good beginning.

Name: Fiona Wydler (Signed) · Date: 09/03/12 4:55 · For: Toil, Trouble

I'm very into post-Hogwarts fics at this point in my life and this one has definitely caught my attention! I immediately related to this story.
I like the writing very much.
I can't quite put my finger on what made me like this fic so strongly and instantly... guess I'll have to wait for the next chapters to better study the case.
I'm really loooking forward the next chapters!

Author's Response: Hi Fiona!

I'm so pleased you liked my fic. I'm glad you had a strong, instant reaction, even if you're not sure why. I hope to have the next chapter up in the next few weeks. *crosses fingers*

Thank you so much for reading and for the review!

Name: Hokey (Signed) · Date: 08/24/12 12:00 · For: Toil, Trouble

Hey, littlebird!
Nice story you've got going here. You tell the story elegantly, without having to write out everything in detail but the story and previous events still come across.
I like your characterisations; I enjoy stories where Ron's ignorance isn't portrayed as just cute or childish, when it's really downright mean. However, I think you could be a bit more subtle in why he isn't the best fiancée. I'd like to think that Hermione does have the guts and self-respect to not be with someone who is obviously mistreating her. I'd like to see the things Ron does to keep her holding on!
Overall, I like the start of this story and I hope you intend to keep writing! Good job :)

Author's Response: Hi Hokey!

I'm pleased you are enjoying this so far and like my characterisation. The thing with Ron-- well, I'll just say that their relationship is on it's last leg (we already know they break up) and I'll be addressing all these issues in the next chapter. What I've shown you, it all has it's place in the bigger picture with both Hermione and Harry, I promise.

Thank you so much for the 'good job', for reading, and for the review!

Name: Alice Mosilia (Signed) · Date: 06/20/12 3:28 · For: Toil, Trouble

three words. This. is. Brilliant.

Author's Response: Thank you, Miss Alice!

Name: Alice Mosilia (Signed) · Date: 06/20/12 2:56 · For: One Rough Night in September

im hanging off the edge of my seat!

Author's Response: Scoot back, girl. Hang on!

~S~

Name: Alice Mosilia (Signed) · Date: 06/20/12 2:37 · For: After

i am dying to figure out what happens next!

Author's Response: Don't die on me, Alice!

~S~

Name: Alice Mosilia (Signed) · Date: 06/20/12 2:21 · For: Before

this is extremely interesting and i am dying to read the next chapter! this is also helping me write my first fan fiction, because i need as much ideas as possible.

Author's Response: Hello, Miss Alice Mosilia,



Glad I could inspire you! I'll be looking for your name on the Most Recent page.



Thank you so much for reading and for the review!

~S~

Name: Padfoot Patronus (Signed) · Date: 06/19/12 20:05 · For: Toil, Trouble

I'm in love with the way these characters are evolving! Evolving sounds wrong somehow though, because the prologue well it already said where we were headed and now, this chapter especially has been like an after-thought, retrospective look by Harry about the ways life's becoming so wrong.

This chapter gave me a profound impression that I could actually go back and read the chapters again in order, that in such a way of reading, the characters will become even more pronounced, that after it, I will unreversibly begin to see this storyline as the only reality of post-War trio that was ever possible.

I loved something about the way events were written here: that I was never any wiser than what I was being explicitly told. The descriptions with the newspaper, the chair, Benoit, it's all unimportant to me, until the point I become privy to Harry's thoughts about them. I wondered for some time that placing part of the pub scene in the beginning is a great touch and in addition to that it also reads superbly. But I trip over my own indulgence when you say 'We both know why she's really here' I just instantly assume this is about Ron and Hermione, with Hermione being awfully quiet and Harry at the beginning thinking of Ron being a prat. So in that whole next paragraph I totally overlook the importance of describing the newspaper and that the reason for Harry's edginess has really something to do with page 5. It's brilliantly satisfying to see that I don't have the story figured out. Love such subtle reminders from good authors.

It's also amazing that despite reading in first person, I felt for the most part of this chapter as if I were watching Harry while standing invisible in the corner of his office. But it's not so, and I'm in his head too, which just makes him all the more on the brink to me, like any moment there's going to be an OOTP-like emotional exposion. It was thoroughly occupying. And yet my favourite part of this chapter was when he says to Ginny "Yeah, I guess it is" and I can't imagine how perfectly your choice of word 'release' describes this absolutely breathtaking scene.

Harry's dreams were terrifying. They were so devastating, so dark, so incredibly well-written. I couldn't help but think that this Harry seemed far removed from the one we know in the books. His dreams might have been similarly terrifying then but Rowling couldn't obviously write about them. My mind wandered back to the time he was so worried, scared after the episode with the snake in OOTP. He's a different man here.

I have dreamt of my falling teeth once and had ventured to google the meaning of it. I guess as opposed to what it usually means - not being able to express yourself - Harry here just wants Ron to stop talking.


You said one time about living upto those expectation that come from a highly-involved reader. I think if it is possible, you surpass the standards with every new chapter. It makes me sad that this is based on fanfiction, because if you wrote orginal fiction in this manner, I'd like it to be known that I'm one of those crazy people who would have hugged your book, frequently sighed into its pages and slept next to it at night.

Quicksilver season is on and I'd have been the first to nominate this story if I only still saw Quicksilver the way I did three years ago. As it is, I see that much like most of the awards, the judgement is incredibly arbitrary. Perhaps that's just my bias speaking. Passionate nerd that I am though, I'll hate it when sub-par writing are branded winner over pure ingenuity.

My dear, this was good stuff. Thanks for writing!

-Akay-

Author's Response: Hi Akay! Okay, I thought I replied to this review a couple of weeks ago, but I'm guessing my WiFi must have timed out before I hit "Submit" and it didn't post. I am truly sorry, so let me try again...

First, I would like to thank you so much for reading. I truly appreciate you sticking with this story after months with no updates, and also for taking the time to wonder where I've been. It's the best motivation, knowing someone's still interested, and again, I thank you.

The characters here-- it's very important that they seem indisputably older. Sort of world worn, and tired, and disillusioned. Time and the adult world has altered them as much as living through the War has.

This chapter, well, I shook my fist at the screen a fair few times because it just wasn't working for me. It felt flat and just meh, then I wrote the book-end pub scenes and it all sort of fell together. The layers were finally there, and it became a much better read, much more satisfying.

I'm glad you felt my H/G break-up scene worked, as abbreviated as it was. I had this whole, big thing written out and cut it to the bone. It felt as if it was dwelling too much in the past, and I didn't want to linger too long around Harry's rejection.

Harry's dreams-- I won't try to provide a psychoanalytic interpretation, now, but it will very likely be addressed later in this story. ;)

As for Quicksilver, I didn't realize 'twas the season until you said, and I went perusing and found that my story "Hangman" has been nominated for Best Dark/Angst. I was stunned! Pleased, as well, but mostly stunned.

I am so glad that this story continues to make the cut with you, Akay, and that you think this was 'good stuff.' I'm not ashamed to admit that your comment about the OF made me a bit misty-eyed. If I ever publish anything, I'm winging a copy straight to you!

Again, I sincerely thank you for reading and for your always thoughtful reviews. I truly appreciate your insightful feedback.

~Susan~

Name: Redwing (Signed) · Date: 06/18/12 19:34 · For: Toil, Trouble

Your prose is so fluid. Sometimes I get a little lost on who I'm following, but it's not overly disorienting, and the characterization is solid. I'm really enjoying this.

Author's Response: Thank you, Redwing,

I'm pleased you are enjoying it.

Thank you so much for reading and for the review.

~S~