Summary: A look into the life of Voldy's pet snake, Nagini.
Categories: Humor Fics Characters: None
Warnings: Alternate Universe
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 7
Completed: Yes
Word count: 7566
Read: 32506
Published: 05/01/05
Updated: 11/05/06
It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World!!! by Scheherazade
Day 850 - Feeling rather bored, I decided to go into the library here in the Riddle Mansion and do some reading. I found loads of old books about mythology; in them, something rather interesting jumped out at me. Apparently I’m descended from royalty! Just wait ’til Voldy hears this!
Day 853 - Seeing as how I may very well be a Queen (along with Queen of the Universe), I may force Wormtail to test my food before I eat it just to see if it’s poisoned or not.
Day 861 - Sad to say, but torturing Wormtail is growing a bit thin. I must really find myself a new hobby....
Day 869 - I overheard one of the Death Eater’s talking about some strange Muggle invention called a ... television. My interest piqued, I found out all I could about this. I discovered that in order to make television, one has to have something called a ... camera.
Hmmm... Must divulge further into this matter.
Day 873 - I have decided to conjure myself this camera contraption. While Voldy was busy with his nightly therapeutic bubble bath (he gets very tense), I saw my chance... his wand was lying unoccupied on his bed....
Day 895 - I've finally figured out how this strange contraption works and have gotten some... uh... films... recorded. On top of it, I have also decided on a nice beginning for them. Here's what I have planned:
*~ Serpentsortia Films Presents - A Nagini Original ~*
(Cue to moi)
“Hello, my name is Nagini. I have brought you many classic films, such as Voldy in the Shower and Voldy on the Toilet. Now, I am pleased to bring you my greatest film to date, The Eternal Struggle.”
(Cue to my recently acquired film showing a wasted Voldy trying to dress himself. “Damn these one-legged pants!” he yells.)
I must admit, getting this film wasn’t nearly as scary as the first two. I may be scarred for life....
Day 900 - Voldy’s hatching another sinister plan for that prat Harry Potter. He stormed about the Riddle Mansion, bragging to anyone who’d listen. I haven’t heard all the gory details, but word on the street is it ends with him feeding Harry to me.
Can we all saw EWWW now? No way am I going to eat that artery clogging, high-in-saturated-fat, overly carb-y kid.
Though it’s, thankfully, not as bad as the time he suggested feeding Wormtail to me.
God, talk about DISGUSTING! I swear, I would have had to gargle with bleach and kill myself afterwards if I had to eat him.
Luckily, he doesn’t know about my films yet. Not that I plan on telling him, mind you.... I like living....
Day 907 - Good news! Today Voldy announced that since we have reached our monthly quota of Muggle killings, he’s taking all of us on a retreat to the beach! YAY! I could do with a tan....
Day 910 - Ahh, the sun, sand, and sea. What more could I ask for? Quiet, peacefulness, and serenity. Okay, so that much isn’t true. There isn’t as much quietness, peacefulness, and serenity as I imagined because Voldy is sun tanning (and sleeping) RIGHT-NEXT-TO-ME! Oh, ewww! I think he's drooling!
The others are milling about. Bella is sun tanning topless (EWW!), Fenrir is dressed head-to-toe in winter clothes (apparently he hates the sun), and Lucius is snorkling in the water.
Still Day 910 - Forgive me if this page is smudged and blurry, but I have seen a truly revolting sight and am currently soaking my eyes in the stinging salt water, trying to cleanse them as I write.
As I lay sunbathing earlier today, my eyes fell upon something unspeakable: Wormtail in a Speedo.
In an apparent stare of delirium, I managed to secretly capture him on film, but now, I’m feeling sick to my stomach just thinking about it.
Excuse me while I dunk my head into the salty water again.... I may refuse any future meals from now on. I don’t think my stomach could handle it....
Day 915 - I haven’t eaten much since that day. Thinking about it brings on nauseousness, and I immediately run for the nearest bathroom so I can puke.
Voldy is becoming worried about my health. He keeps asking me in Parseltongue if there is anything wrong.
How... where... how do I begin to explain to him about that... that awful sight????
Day 920 - We’re back home. I have a nice tan, which complements my green scaly skin, but I am so freaking famished. I have slowly started accepting food again, though not in large amounts. It may take a while....
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.