We now join Harry, Ron, and Hermione in front of Fluffy, the three-headed dog.

Ron: Bloody hell! How are we going to get past that miserable mutt?

Harry: I don't know, maybe we should ask it for a spot of tea?

Hermione: I know just what to do, I've read all about them. Raise your wand and say “Conflibular estubitubi!”

As soon as these words left her mouth the dog was turned into a tiny poodle.

Ron: Let me guess, you got that spell in "Standard Book of Spells Grade 1"?

Hermione: No, actually. I got that spell from "If You Ever Encounter a Three-headed Dog Named Fluffy in the Third Floor Corridor".

Harry: Shut up both of you! I hate friends. We need to find Snape before he gets the Sorcerer's Stone.

So they jumped down that trapdoor.

Ron: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! A plant!

Hermione: Not just any plant. It's the devils snare, relax or you will die.

Ron: But it's a flower!

And with those words he walked out of it.

Hermione: Ron, how did you do that?

Ron: Like I said, it's a flower. What's it going to do, get us dirty?

They proceeded to an area with birds, but they weren't birds, they were keys. Keys with wings. There was a broom in the middle of the room.

Harry: I bet I know what I have to do; get on the broom and get a key!

So Harry got onto the broom and lifted off -- as soon as his feet left the ground all of the keys flew into Harry.

Harry: Ow! Ow! Ow! Sharp and blunt objects are running into me and it's utterly, utterly painful!

With this, Harry fell off his broom (CRACK) went his neck. Then Hermione's eyes drew to the door.

Hermione: Well, what do you know, the key has been in the door all this time. I guess you didn't even have to get on the broom, Harry.

Harry: Ugh...

After Hermione repaired Harry's broken neck, they set off for the next room.

Hermione: What is it? Some type of grave yard?

Ron: I know what it is. It's a chess set.

Harry: What do you think they want us to do?

As they drew nearer to the opposing pawns...

Ron: I reckon they want us to play.

Hermione: Screw that.

And they all walked past the chess pieces straight to the next room.

The next room had three goblets and a door of fire.

Harry: I bet we have to drink the right potion, and it looks like there's only enough for one.

Hermione: We could do that, but why don't we just use the potion and throw it on the fire?

So they did and that did the trick it put out the fire and they proceeded to the next chamber.

Everyone: Gasp! It's the mirror of Erised and Professor Quirrell!

Quirrell: Well, yeah. Who did you expect, Snape?

Ron: Well, kinda!

Quirrell: Oh well, I think I will let my master kill you, then get the stone.

Harry: Your master?

Voldemort: Yes. Me, Harry. And I'm going to kill you now.

Quirrell: Expelliarmus!

Harry, Ron and Hermione's wands flew into the air, Quirell caught the wands and cornered them evilly.

Ron: What are we going to do?

Harry: Only one thing to do: fight MORTAL COMBAT STYLE!

Harry, Ron, and Hermione charged Quirell and attacked him. Hermione bit him on the face, Ron was kicking him in the groin, and Harry was bitch slapping him.

Quirrell: Oh no! My magic is useless to children attacking me! There's no counter spell! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

And he died.