Summary: Tonks thought she was going to have a nice, normal summer...for once...but she doesn't count on the Marauders showing up...with plans to spend the entire holidays. Can she spend the next two months avoiding them...or will fate, natural curiosity and the irrepressible Marauders get the better of her?
Edited by mod: Please do not put author's notes in your summary.
Categories: Marauder Era Characters: None
Warnings: Alternate Universe
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 9
Completed: No
Word count: 17946
Read: 31894
Published: 01/30/06
Updated: 05/06/07
1. Prologue by Lissa Reynolds
2. They're Back by Lissa Reynolds
3. The (Not So) Secret Diary of Nymphadora Tonks by Lissa Reynolds
4. In Which the Prologue is *Finally* Explained by Lissa Reynolds
5. Life, Liberty, And The Pursuit Of Chinese Takeout by Lissa Reynolds
6. All The Good Jokes Are Taken by Lissa Reynolds
7. A Bad Hat by Lissa Reynolds
8. The Pool Party of DOOM by Lissa Reynolds
9. Back to the Past, or, Haven’t We Seen These People Before? by Lissa Reynolds
Prologue by Lissa Reynolds
Author's Notes:
Robert Calan doesn't like odd days. He likes it when the phone rings often, customers order a lot, and his telephone correspondents don't get attacked in the middle of their conversations.
We fear Mr. Calan may be about to have a rather bad day indeed...
A/N: Robert Calan is my OC. All other characters, situations, etc. etc. etc. are the property of JK Rowling. I'm just inviting them over for playgroup. :)
Prologue
Mr. Robert Calan sat down at the desk in his home office with a satisfied air. Today was Friday, and the next week his holidays were to start. His two sons had been on holiday from school for the past two weeks, and he was looking forward to the annual family vacation in France. Predictably, the phone rang.
"Hello?”
The reply was given in a polite, clipped tone. Presumably upper- or middle- class, and certainly well educated. Calan grinned; for once it sounded as though he would be dealing with someone who knew what he was doing.
“Hello, may I speak to Mr. Calan?”
“Speaking,” Calan said with some amount of pride in his voice. They continued the conversation and were halfway through the stranger explaining who he was and why he wanted to talk to Calan when he stopped suddenly.
“Are those footsteps someone on your end?” he said anxiously.
“No,” Calan said, puzzled. “Must be someone on yours”“ But the stranger (he had never properly identified himself) interrupted him again.
“I knew they would come...only a matter of time...yes, only a matter of time...”
“What on earth are you talking about?” Calan said, now considerably annoyed. “Sir,” he added to be safe. It never helped to annoy customers. However, the person on the other end kept muttering. Then Calan heard the sound of a door being roughly thrown open. Someone, presumably the man he was speaking to, fell against the phone and hit ‘speakerphone’; at least, Calan could now hear everything much more clearly.
“Mussi is impatient...very impatient, Brown.” A raspy voice came out of nowhere.
“Well”well”tell Mussi I”“
“Mussi doesn’t want to be told anything, Brown...except that you’re out of the picture. Completely.”
The truth hit Calan like a sledgehammer. Brown, whoever he was, was about to be killed by someone or other. Before he could do anything, could even force his numbed mind to think, there was the sound of a gun being cocked, and then”
After the blast all was eerily silent. Calan felt frozen to the floor. Then there was the sound of running footsteps, and then a woman’s voice.
“Barry?” Then again, higher and more frightened. “Barry?” The footsteps ran on, down stairs, and then stopped abruptly.
Her scream of revulsion and utter, unhinging terror pierced Calan’s ears.
* * * * ~ o ~ * * * *
“Nice touch, that,” Sirius smirked, opening the basement door farther, “falling down the stairs after you ‘died’. Particularly as it wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“Shut...up,” Tonks growled, attempting to get to her feet. “It’s not my fault I tripped.”
“Really...” She could tell he wasn’t buying it. “No offense, but you’re about as graceful as a hippopotamus tap-dancing in quicksand with combat boots.”
“I thought it added drama,” Remus said. “Not that anyone cares what I think.”
“She didn’t need to add any drama,” James said, “she’s already a world-class drama queen.”
“Ha ha. Very funny,” Tonks said, finally making it back up the stairs. “I haven’t noticed you missing out on a chance to show off.”
“Hey, I let Moony get the part, didn’t I?” said James, trying to sound injured.
“I told you I didn’t want it,” Remus insisted, “you probably could have done it better anyway.”
“Yeah, but is anyone going to believe I’m a grown-up?”
“Okay. One point to you."
...maybe I should explain what’s going on here. But to do that, I’m going to have to start at the very beginning...a very good place to start.
They're Back by Lissa Reynolds
Author's Notes:
Tonks was planning to have a good summer...maybe talk on the phone a few hours with Elissa (if Mum's not hogging it)...climb a few trees(*ouch!* well, maybe not)...sleep in...(are you kidding? Not with the Marauders around!)
A/N: This chapter is divided into two parts, which originally were separate chapters but were too short on their own. That’s why it took so long...sorry :(
Elissa is my OC, but all other characters, situations, etc. etc. etc. are the property of JK Rowling. I'm just inviting them over for playgroup. :)
Chapter One: They’re Back
“You go first”I’m not.”
“All you have to do is open the bloody door, Wormtail.”
“Don’t care.”
“Oh, here”I’ll do it”“ The door creaked open. Tonks’ eyes fluttered open for a second but then closed again, the sound not fully waking her.
“I don’t see what you’re afraid of, Ted told us we had to get her out of bed.”
“Still...”
Someone shook her shoulder roughly. “Rise and shine, you sleeping beauty...on second thought, scratch that last part.” Tonks grumbled a bit and turned over.
“Oh, come on. It’s 11 o’clock.” More grumbling. “It’s your favorite cousin.”
Tonks opened her eyes reluctantly. “You must have made a mistake, then. I only have one and I wouldn’t describe him as my favorite anything.” The person next to him smirked.
“Ooh, that bites, Pads.”
The room and its inhabitants were slowly coming into focus as she blinked several times. “Hm”wha”OH MY GOD!! SIRIUS!!”
Sirius grinned. “Glad to see you recognize me, Dora.”
“’T’s not Dora,” she grumbled sleepily, sitting up. “At least, not anymore. Call me Tonks, most people do.”
“Elissa’s always called you Dora,” the person on Sirius’ other side said quietly.
“Elissa,” Tonks said in a matter-of-fact voice, “is an exception. I’ve got 5 million nicknames anyway, it’s surprising what you can get out of Nymphadora Edwina Tonks”“ Her eyes narrowed suddenly. “You’re Remus, then...and you’re Peter...and you’re James...” Tonks pulled the covers over her head and screamed. “Why me? What have I done to deserve this?” She poked her head back out again. “Please, please tell me you four aren’t staying here all summer.”
James pretended to be deep in thought. “Well, we could tell you that, I suppose...”
“But that would be lying,” finished Remus.
“And we wouldn’t want to lie to you, would we?” Sirius said, poking Peter in the ribs.
“Of course not,” he said.
Tonks sighed, attempting to regain her composure. “Okay. How about you guys get out of my room and we’ll discuss this once I’m properly awake.”
* * * * ~ o ~ * * * *
Andie walked into the kitchen, “Ted, I’m back”“ Her eyes fell across the four boys seated at the table. “Oh, Merlin. Bar the doors and lock up the larders, the Marauders are here!”
“Too late,” James said, waving a sandwich. Sirius took the opportunity to grab the sandwich and take a bite out of it.
“Bleh, tuna salad.”
Andie folded her arms. “I was saving that tuna salad for dinner.”
“Oops. Sorry.”
“Never mind,” she said with a sigh. “Is my daughter up yet?” As if on cue, Tonks appeared in the doorway. Andie did a quick once-over. “Hair, shirt, socks, jeans. In other words, try again. Who dressed you?”
“Me,” Tonks said defensively. “And what’s wrong with my clothes?”
“Your hair’s too short, your shirt has a hole in the sleeve, your socks don’t match, and your jeans are ripped. Happy?”
“No. The socks are supposed to be that way and my hair reaches past my chin. Honestly, Mum...”
“Well, at least the hair and the shirt. Go on now.” Tonks sighed but changed her hair, so that a veritable cascade of brown curls tumbled down. “There, much better. Now, different shirt”get a move on.”
Once she was gone, Andie turned back to the boys. “That girl’s awfully stubborn, one can only wonder where she gets it from.”
“Not from our side of the family, perhaps?” Sirius asked innocently.
“Of course not”“ Andie gave him a frosty look”“but now I know where she gets her sass.”
“Ha ha, very funny.”
By the time Tonks got back downstairs, Ted had come into the kitchen.
“Well, look who’s finally up. Nymphadora Tonks, walking accident extraordinaire.”
“It’s nice to see you too, Daddy,” she said, yawning widely. “What’s for breakfast?”
“Breakfast? Surely you jest.”
“My name’s not Shirley.”
Ted looked injured. “Well, I’m sorry.”
“Apologies accepted. Too early for lunch?”
“It’s never too early for lunch,” James offered cheerfully.
“I can’t believe this.” Fwump. “Me, the great and mighty Sirius Black.” Fwump. “Never lost a fight.” Fwump. “Put Snivellus in his place how many times?” Fwump. “Forced to work like a house-elf.” Fwump, fwump.
Yet another article of clothing hit the bottom of the washing machine. The first thing Andie had done upon finally understanding that yes, they were going to be here all summer, and yes, they wouldn’t be leaving until August, was to give them a list of things that had to be done. The four of them were currently on laundry duty.
“Cheer up, we’ll be done soon,” Peter said encouragingly. Sirius was not placated.
“Oh, yeah, and then what’ll she have us do? No, my friends, I say we would have been so much better off at Prongs’ place.”
“Except, of course, that my parents aren’t even going to be here all summer.”
“Well...yeah, that could have been a problem.”
“So, we had a choice between spending the holidays with your parents”not recommended”with my parents”Elissa’s staying with them, so that’s out of the question unless you can stand her”at Prongs’ house with nonexistent parents”not a good idea if you ask me and also a great way to get barred from spending the summer holidays with each other ever again”with Wormtail’s parents”who we already figured out don’t like me”or here. Which would you prefer?” Remus asked him.
“Okay. You’ve out-reasoned me. Again. Just let me stew in my own discontent and irrationality, okay, Moony?”
“Well, we actually did have a choice between here and putting up with Elissa...” James said, trailing off as the others gave him meaningful looks. “Yeah...erm...Good point, guys. We’re staying.”
“What other choice do we have?” Peter said. Sirius sighed.
“Ten minutes ago, Wormtail. Ten minutes ago.”
“What?”
“...never mind.”
Tonks walked in, slamming a bag down on the table. “Mum wants to know how you guys are coming along with the laundry...no, you’re supposed to sort them first, light with light, dark with dark, red with red? Ringing a bell? Oh, please, don’t tell me she sent you down here with no instructions whatsoever. Mum may not care about what happens to her clothes,” she said exasperatedly, pulling stuff back out of the washing machine, “but I don’t particularly want my white pants turning pink. I worked hard to keep those white, and do you know how hard it is to do that? Even if you’re not me and don’t walk into something, knock something over, or fall down every five minutes? Honestly, sometimes I wonder. I really do...” She continued in this vein, throwing things around and finally getting it all back in the laundry basket. “There! Now try again. And this time, do it right!”
She grabbed her bag and stormed back up the stairs, muttering something to herself about ‘having to do all the work around here’.
For about five minutes there was total silence. Then James said, “She’s getting to be a right little slave driver, she is...”
“You think?” Sirius said sarcastically.
“Yeah, I think,” James shot back.
“I would hope you think,” said Remus dryly.
“Ha ha. Very funny, I’m simply busting my sides laughing.”
Sirius pulled something out of his pocket”a small blue book with a lock.
“Whatcha got there?” James said, leaning over to look at it.
“Fell out of her bag,” he said, grinning, “and I...erm...forgot...to tell her she dropped it.”
“Let’s have a look-see, then...”
Sirius waved a finger at Remus. “I know what you’re going to say, Moony.”
“No you don’t.”
“Yes I do...you’re going to say we shouldn’t.”
“I wasn’t going to say anything.”
“...you were thinking it.”
Remus threw up his hands. “Why do I even try?”
Sirius waved the book. “Problem number one. How’re we going to get it open?”
James grabbed it from him, pulled out his wand, and tapped it. The lock sprung open.
“Oh...yeah.” The others rolled their eyes.
Sirius flipped open the diary and began to read...
The (Not So) Secret Diary of Nymphadora Tonks by Lissa Reynolds
Author's Notes:
Having decided menial chores are beneath them, the Marauders have stolen Tonks' diary and are attempting to make sense of the contents. However, they may find much more than they originally bargained for...
The (Not So) Secret Diary of Nymphadora Tonks
A/N: Elissa, Esma, Cree, Carmen, Robert, and Dereck are all my OCs. All other characters, situations, etc. are the exclusive property of JK Rowling. I’m just inviting them over for playgroup. :)
Sirius flipped open the diary and began to read...
“Note to self: Never, ever again play ‘Truth or Dare’. If forced to, pick ‘truth’ and lie if need be.
Carmen, Elissa, and Cree talked me into playing. I wasn’t about to pick ‘truth’ for various reasons. One of those reasons was Elissa’s bottle of Veritaserum. The other involved myself, a Hufflepuff fourth year, and several, shall we say, modified conversation hearts.
It was Cree asking me, and she knows all the right questions to ask, so I chose ‘dare’. There began the Problem Named Robert. Robert Naman, to be specific. Now I have 48 hours to get him to kiss me.
I’m dead.” Here Sirius could not resist stopping to comment. “Tonks is right, she is dead...really, she’s so horrible I’ll be surprised if she ever does get a boyfriend...how she’s even going to get this Robert kid to kiss her I don’t know...” He turned to Remus. “Moony, your ‘I’m not listening’ face needs work.”
Remus turned red. “Erm...what?”
Sirius grinned. “Don’t pretend you’re not listening to this, despite your...hmm...fervent protests against our reading it.”
“Well...I...er...oh, just don’t blame me when you get in trouble.”
“However, if I can’t go through with the dare, the consequence is a night in the Forbidden Forest, the chances of me surviving which are unfortunately rather slim. As such, I don’t think I have much of a choice. This only way out of this is Robert.
Later...
It was like kissing the giant squid. He tried to stick his tongue in my mouth and I pushed him off the wall. Oh, we really needed to know that, didn’t we?” Sirius said sarcastically. “For some reason this made him pretty mad at me-“
“Oh, I wonder why,” said James as he rolled his eyes.
“For some reason this made him pretty mad at me, and he ran off. Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.” Sirius flipped over to the next entry. “I wonder if there’s anything actually interesting in here.”
“Guess where Robert went when I scared him off, as it were. Straight to Carmen, and now they’re going out. All I’ve heard from her for the past week is Robert, Robert, Robert. Robert this and Robert that and to hear her tell it he’s the handsomest, most perfect guy in the world. Talk about crazy. Oh, I have to put up with that sort of thing from a certain best friend about a certain redheaded Gryffindor girl all the time, and you think you’ve got it bad?” Sirius said. “I mean, geez...no offense, Prongs, of course.”
“None taken.”
“The worst part of it is that she acts like I should be jealous. It’s absolute insanity and there’s no other word for it. Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate. Knock on wood, Tonksie, wait a few years and call me in the morning,” Sirius said with a grin. “I almost guarantee there’ll be some boy or other you’ll be absolutely crazy about. She doesn’t even act like herself any more. It’s like I’m losing my best friend. Okay, boring. She’s mostly just complaining about Carmen and Robert.” He riffled through the pages a little more.
“What’d you expect?” Peter said. “It’s a girl’s diary.”
“I dunno...oh, here we go. Something about Hufflepuffs. I don’t know why I’m surprised. I really don’t have any right to be, seeing as I was expecting this in the first place. Dereck Reigo and his friends (if you can call them that) are at it again”teasing me, I mean. You’ve just got to wonder if they haven’t got anything better to do than shove me around and call me names. It would be humiliating enough without Elissa always showing up and rescuing me. Who in their right mind would make her a prefect I don’t know.
Well, Elissa turns up most of the time, but this time she didn’t. So here I am sitting down by the lake and wondering when they’ll go away and stop throwing things at me and trying not to cry and failing miserably of course”“ Sirius stopped abruptly, reading a little further down the page. “Oh, this is just priceless. I mean, really...Moony, I didn’t know you had it in you...”
“What?” James asked impatiently, trying to look over Sirius’ shoulder.
“I’m getting there, I’m getting there... So here I am sitting down by the lake and wondering when they’ll go away and stop throwing things at me and trying not to cry and failing miserably of course, when one of the Gryffindor prefects comes up. That’s you, Moony,” Sirius said, looking over at Remus amusedly.
“I know...I remember, for heavens’ sake...”
“I don’t even notice he’s there until he speaks.
‘Ah, there you are, Reigo, Professor Sprout’s been wanting to see you...something about a detention...’ Of course Dereck gets real nervous, because you know what a coward he can be. That’s why he picks on me all the time and not someone else.
‘But I didn’t get a detention!’ That’s actually kind of a surprise, because he is the type to get in more than his fair share of trouble.
‘Perhaps not yet, but I’m afraid I’ll be forced to give you one if you don’t stop harassing this young lady here”‘ he smiles at me. Just a little, but it’s a smile. Dereck and his gang (I don’t even know their names) get real uneasy and start trying to make excuses (at least that’s what they sound like) but he just puts up his hand. ‘I don’t want to hear excuses, boys. Of course this is just all a misunderstanding, and of course it won’t happen again”isn’t that right?”but I think I may still have to deduct some points from...Hufflepuff, isn’t it? Yes, five points each from Hufflepuff then. Now, don’t you five have anything better to do on a nice day like this?...yes, I thought so...off you go, then.’ I would have laughed, except he was so darn serious. It took me a little while to recognize him, but then I remembered where I’d seen him before. You know Sirius, don’t you?...well, it was that friend of his. Whatshisname...oh yeah, Remus.” Here Sirius interrupted himself. “Oh, isn’t that nice”‘whatshisname’.”
“Cree got really excited when I told her about this, because she has a crush on him and has for the last several years. Ever since we first got on the Hogwarts Express, actually. (Remus, not Dereck. Ugh, who would?)”
“Ha ha, Esma’s got competition, Moony,” Peter said.
“Shaddup,” Remus told him, turning a shade of red Sirius had previously thought impossible to attain.
“Ooh, can I quote you on that?” James said, laughing.
“And the first words out of our hero’s mouth are, as he so eloquently put it, ‘Shaddup’,” Sirius said, attempting to be solemn and serious, but cracking up seconds afterward. Remus couldn’t help joining in his friends’ laughter.
“Elissa was pretty mad when she heard, because she thinks quote ‘it’s my job to defend you’ unquote. I can defend myself, thank you very much. (Not that she ever believes me when I tell her this. Sheesh.) She doesn’t really have a good excuse for not being there anyway, Carmen says she was off somewhere snogging her boyfriend but she won’t admit it. Definitely does not bear thinking about.”
“Wonder if there’s anything in there about us?” James wondered aloud.
“Here’s something,” Sirius said, finally settling on one page. “Hey, it’s the entry from the day we got here. So much for my summer. No less than the Marauders themselves are staying here for the holidays. As I am doomed to live with them you might as well know what I think of them.
Sirius Black: my mum’s favorite cousin. Given what filth the rest of her cousins are, you can’t really blame her. He is, however, a vain, self-centered prig and generally an idiotic git. The only thing he has going for him are his dubious good looks. I personally think all claims of his being better looking than anything more beautiful than a toad are totally unfounded. I resent that,” Sirius said, offended. “He acts like he is the ruler of whatever place he happens to be and for some reason I have yet to figure out, has a fan club. Needless to say, I am not a member. I have a fan club? That is just so...I can’t even come up with the words, I’m so flattered! I always knew I would do well as an idol for the masses,” Sirius said, striking a pose. James shook his head.
“The diary, Pads.”
“What? Oh, yeah,” he said, coming out of his reverie. “Elissa says he’s actually not that bad if you disregard his obnoxious personality. Again, I disagree. Total and complete nonsense. She’s in denial. Yeah, that must be it,” Sirius said confidently, evidently unable to believe that anyone could not consider him one of the greatest guys on the planet.
“James Potter: there is nothing good to say about him. ABSOLUTELY nothing. He is al the things I said about Sirius and more”arrogant, boorish, proud, and generally stupid. He’s smart enough when it comes to academics, of course, but otherwise pretty dumb.”
“Ouch,” James said. “Come on, tell me that’s not what it says, Pads.”
“It is. Would I lie to you?”
“No...”
“He’s been badgering Lily for the past four or five years about going out with him. The sad thing is that she’s seriously thinking about saying yes. She’s out of her mind but maybe she’ll at least be able to control him a bit.”
“Lily what?” James asked, looking up suddenly.
“Is thinking about going out with you. What she sees in you I can’t imagine...sorry, just having a bit of fun there, Prongs...” James, however, did not seem to have noticed, however; a grin was slowly spreading across his face.
“Remus Lupin: this guy is a living enigma. He’s also a werewolf (I’m about 75% sure he thinks I don’t know.) She knows, Moony,” said Sirius, looking up.
“But we knew that, didn’t we?”
“I think it was more of a ‘we assumed’. Cree says if you turn your head sideways and squint a bit he’s actually much better-looking than Sirius. Haven’t actually tried this and don’t plan on it. However as I have mentioned, I don’t think it would make much of a difference, as Sirius’ looks are...somewhat lacking. Again, I resent that,” Sirius said crossly.
“He’s Elissa’s cousin and even she doesn’t know that much about him. Intriguing. Hear that, Moony? You’re ‘intriguing’.”
“Shaddup.”
“Consistently at a loss for words, eh?”
“Just...keep reading.”
“Mostly spends his time reading and hardly ever opens his mouth. Pretty boring if you ask me. Now, is that not what we have been telling you for the past 6 years, Moony?” Sirius asked with a triumphant look.
“Which, that I’m boring?”
“No, of course not, that you’d be more interesting if you’d take your nose out of a book and say hello every once in a while.”
“Didn’t you just call me ‘intriguing’?”
Sirius sighed. “Never mind. Moving on...”
”Peter Pettigrew: What can I say. No really, what can I say. There isn’t much good to say anyway. There seems to be a disturbing pattern here.
...how shall I put it? He’s a gutless, spineless suck-up. No, really. Hero-worships James and Sirius, which I consider stupidity enough.”
“Ouch, Wormtail,” James said.
“She’s the stupid one, not me,” Peter asserted.
”I’m surprised he was ever able to find anyone willing to go out with him, but he’s been seeing a somebody Beckinge. I never liked her much.”
“Her name,” Peter interrupted, “is Myra.”
”Not that I ever knew her, but I’ve seen her and she’s horrid. One could expect no less, really.”
“And that’s where it ends...” Sirius trailed off. “Is that really what she thinks of us?”
“Yes,” came a voice from behind them; the Marauders jumped collectively. “It really is.”
“Erm...Tonks! How, er, pleasant to, er, see you...” Sirius said half-heartedly. He received a look acidic enough to melt a hole through solid steel.
“I believe,” she said slowly, fists clenched, “that that’s mine.” Somewhere outside a dog started howling. “My sentiments exactly,” Tonks muttered. She went over to the basement window, opened it and stuck her head out, and yelled, “Baxter, shut the--" Remus privately wondered where she'd learned that kind of language-- "up, you stupid dog!” That attempt at quieting the dog having failed, she proceeded to call it several names that would have instantly earned her mouth a good scrubbing-out had Andie been present. “Neighbors’ dog,” she said, pulling her head back in and slamming the window shut.
“I...er...” James started to say something, but apparently thought better of it.
Tonks sighed. "And you haven't even started the laundry yet...typical." She grabbed the basket of clothes, set it down on the table, and snapped her fingers at Remus, who was sitting on the washer. "Off."
"Er...what?"
She sighed again and pushed him off. Sirius jumped to his defense.
"Hey, you can't--"
"Push your friend around? Just did. I'll do what I want, when I want, where I want, and I don't care what you or anyone else thinks. So there."
Tonks grabbed her diary out of Sirius' limp hands and slammed it down on the table beside the laundry basket. "Go. I'll do this."
"What?"
James grabbed Peter by the arm. "Come on, Wormtail, if she's offering to do our chores for us, let's bloody go."
Remus seemed to be slightly dazed. "Eugh...my head hurts."
"Oh, what, you want me to kiss it and make it all better or something?" Tonks shot back. "I said get."
The four boys quickly vacated the basement, opting to live.
CORRECTION: Prefects are actually not allowed to take off points...just teachers and members of the Inquisitorial Squad. (Though I bet Remus wished he could... :D) Sorry everyone.
SECOND CORRECTION: I have been informed that since Percy took off points in book two, prefects must be able to do it...so hooray for Remus. If possible, we all must now love him more. :D
In Which the Prologue is *Finally* Explained by Lissa Reynolds
Author's Notes:
We were all wondering what that was all about in the beginning...so now, after three chapters, we return to where we began. And yes, it is just as funny as you thought it would be. XD
A/N: All characters, situations, etc. in this chapter are the exclusive property of JK Rowling. I’m just inviting them over for playgroup. :) Also, “The Princess Bride” and all characters wherein are the exclusive property of William Goldman, who wrote both the book and the screenplay for the movie. I own nothing. :( I know the movie “The Princess Bride” was actually made after Harry was born, but since I’m already playing around with time in this fic, I thought, what the heck? Besides, I happen to like that movie a LOT, and I think I’ve got a definite thing going for Carey Elwes...;D (He plays Westley. In case you didn’t know “ le gasp. :0)
Andie fixed her hair in the hall mirror as she talked to the five teenagers standing behind her. The tallest had glossy black hair pulled back in a ponytail, and gray eyes like Andie’s; the next tallest, the only one with glasses, also had messy black hair growing in several directions, none of which was flat on his head. The other two boys had light, mousy brown hair, which was longer on the taller boy than on the shorter (and chubbier). The only girl of the group had a large quantity of curly hair like Andie’s, except that hers was dark brown instead of blonde. She also happened to be scowling at the four boys.
“Ground rules for while we’re gone: Don’t leave the house, don’t use the stove, don’t answer the door, and try not to kill each other,” Andie said. “Or yourselves,” glaring at her daughter in the mirror.
“Does that mean that I”“
“Hand!”
Tonks sighed and raised her hand halfheartedly, resting her elbow in her other palm. It had been nearly fourteen years since Andromeda Tonks had worked as a Muggle third-form teacher, but as they say, old habits die hard.
“That’s better, Nymphadora”“ she ignored Tonks’ cringe” “Now, what were you going to say?”
“Does that mean I can retaliate if they provoke me?” She shot a particularly wilting look in James’ and Sirius’ general direction.
“I trust them enough not to provoke you, dear,” Andie said, tucking the last strand of hair carefully into place. “Isn’t that right, boys?”
“Er, right.”
“I guess so...”
“Yes’m.”
“What is this ‘provoke’ you speak of?” Sirius said innocently, draping his arm over Tonks’ shoulder in what he hoped was a brotherly way. “I’d never do anything like that.” Remus suddenly went into a remarkably well-timed coughing fit. Sirius looked at him concernedly, head cocked to one side. “Something stuck in your throat, Moony?”
“Er, ah- (cough cough) I, erm, (cough) no. Just- (cough cough cough) forget it-(cough cough)”
Sirius shrugged; Tonks took the opportunity to shake herself free, a disgusted look on her face. “Don’t know what’s got him,” he said.
Andie raised her eyes and hands to the sky (as it were; all she could see was the water stained ceiling), as if demanding patience from some heavenly being, living up there among all the cockroaches, things dropped from between upstairs floorboards, and roughly 25 years’ worth of dust bunnies. “No, really, I’m serious. I don’t know what you’ve done to her, because she doesn’t tell me anything, and I know you four too well to think you’ll turn yourselves in, but you need to try being nice to each other for a change. Just a thought,” she added. “Ah, there you are, Ted. Ready to go?”
Ted Tonks appeared in the hall, not nearly as meticulously groomed as Andie, but certainly neater than usual. “Yes, dear.” He turned to the kids. “Can I count on you five to behave?” Nods. “Good. Now, Remus, I’m leaving you in charge, but Sirius”“ he gave him a look” “I’ll be holding you responsible if anything happens. Got that?” Nods. “In other words, try to keep them in line, but if they won’t listen, don’t sweat it because they’ll be the ones getting in trouble. Understand?”
“Ah, yes, sir.”
Ted turned to his daughter. “Hear that? Sir. Now, why don’t I ever hear that from you? Hm?” Remus flushed; Tonks rolled her eyes. “And I saw that, young lady!”
“Oh, I’m just incredulous that you’re putting him in charge.”
“And you have a better idea?”
“Ah, me?”
“I think you have enough control over them already, princess.”
Tonks made a sound somewhere between a laugh, a cough, and a snort.
“No, really. Have you tried using the Power of Cuteness?”
Andie replied from her position in front of the mirror, where” believe it or not” she was still primping her hair. “You may not have noticed, dear, but I think she lost the Power of Cuteness somewhere around the point when she learned to talk properly.”
“Oh. Well...it still works on me, anyway...”
Sirius snickered and Tonks shot him a look of utter disdain. “Sorry, I was just imagining you using the Power of Cuteness on your dad.”
Andie sighed. “Can we leave now?”
“Yes, dear.”
The minute her parents were out the door, Tonks went over to the mirror and began fiddling with her hair.
Remus figured it must run in her family or something.
The first thing she did was to turn her hair a very bright pink. “Interesting,” she said, studying her newly pink curls. “But too long.” So the formerly shoulder-blade-length hair became a pixie-bob, barely an inch long and sticking up every which way. “Much better.”
Sirius was the first one to speak. “Er...so I was thinking...”
“Let’s get one thing straight” I’m not talking to you four,” Tonks interrupted him.
“Too bad, ‘cause you’ll be missing out on some really fun stuff.”
Silence.
“Ever prank called anyone?”
More silence, which didn’t seem to deter Sirius.
“Really? You don’t know what you’re missing. But anyway, we need someone to scream really loud, and, well, I’m afraid Wormtail here just doesn’t cut it.”
Tonks raised an eyebrow and walked into the kitchen, still ignoring him.
“Oh, that’s great. I’m so glad you can help us.”
She turned around and shot Sirius a gesture that had gotten her fingers jinxed together several times before. He replied by way of swearing loudly at her.
“How nice,” Remus noted, “Nothing says ‘you’re my favorite cousin’ quite like than unprintable words.”
“No, I’m pretty sure those are printable,” James said, “I was passing notes to Lily in Charms while we were back at Hogwarts and I think those were her exact words. Hey, I’ve even still got the note somewhere around here...” He started digging through his pockets.
“I didn’t mean...oh, Merlin, don’t tell me you kept the note?” Remus said.
“It’s official, then,” said Peter solemnly, “our poor friend’s obsessed.”
“And you’ve just now figured that out?” asked Sirius.
“Good point.”
“I’ve got it!” James said triumphantly. “See, right here...I say hi, and she tells me to bug off. I say hi, and she calls me a son of a”“ He was cut off by Sirius pressing a hand over his mouth.
“Prongs, we really don’t need to know.”
“”er, toadstool.”
Tonks’ voice drifted into the hallway. “You know, I’m not the only one leaving things around lately...”
“Aha! She speaks!” said Sirius.
“Shut up, Pads”“ James said impatiently” “and what the bloody hell do you mean by that?”
“Language, Potter...”
Something suddenly occurred to Peter. “Er, Padfoot?”
“Yeah?”
“What did we do with the Map?”
“I’ve got it right here,” Sirius said, starting to dig through his pockets. “...see?” He pulled out a piece of folded”up paper, which he unfolded and waved before Peter’s eyes.
“Erm...Pads?”
“Yeah?”
“That’s...er...not the Map.”
“What do you mean, that’s not the Map? Of course it’s the Map!”
James grabbed the paper out of Sirius’ hands. “Er, no. It’s not. Trust me on this.”
“Then what is it?”
Remus looked over James’ shoulder. “Er...Padfoot?”
“Yeah?”
“I think this is the sort of thing you’re supposed to destroy after reading.”
Sirius grabbed the paper back from James and looked at the front. In the other room, Tonks grinned at his next outburst.
“And I thought I was bad.”
Sirius walked into the kitchen. Sitting down at the table, he leaned back, put his feet on the table, and put his hands behind his head. “Okay. So you’ve got the Map.”
“Oh, so it’s a map, is it?”
Sirius proved once again just how large his vocabulary of swear words was.
“Okay, so I’ve got the map,” Tonks repeated.
“So...you’re going to give it back.”
“Really? I didn’t know that. How strange, isn’t it? But I guess that’s what the saying, ’Do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing,’ means.”
“Don’t play innocent with me, Nymphadoofus.”
“My...name...is...Tonks!”
Sirius yawned. “Threats will get you nowhere.”
Tonks stuck out her tongue at him.
“You’re not being very nice, you know,” James said.
“Well, neither are you...so, ah, what was that paper, anyway?” Tonks asked innocently.
Remus flushed. “Er...something from his girlfriend. Not at all suitable for little girls to read.”
“I am not a little girl.”
Sirius yawned again. “Details, details.”
“But anyway, down to business,” James said. “You have the Map; we want it back.”
“I have the map; and I am most decidedly not giving it back.”
Sirius sighed. “I’m sick and tired of bargaining with a twelve-year-old-“
“Thirteen!”
“All right, I’m sick and tired of bargaining with a thirteen-year-old girl when I could just as easily stand up, walk over there, and snatch it out of your hand.”
“I’ll cry, and you’ll be sorry,” Tonks said in her best cute-innocent-little-girl-wouldn’t-hurt-a-hair-on-your-head voice.
Sirius just laughed. “Oh, really. You obviously think I’m some kind of softie who’ll ” hey, I didn’t mean it...oh, snap...” His response had elicited a sniffle from the formerly confident, outgoing girl before him, now brown-haired, drooping, and threatening to burst into tears.
While he was spluttering, James took advantage of the situation to sneak up behind Tonks and snatch the Map out of her hand.
“All right! Score: Me “ 5 billion; you “ zip, nada, nothing.” James started doing some kind of victory dance, in which Sirius quickly joined him.
“Just when I thought you two couldn’t get any weirder,” Tonks muttered.
“So...ah...about that prank call...” Sirius said, stuffing the Map into his pocket.
Tonks seemed to instantly perk back up at the mention of the Marauders’ newest escapade. “I’ll cooperate on one condition and one condition only...”
* * * * ~ O ~ * * * *
“Real men do not wear pink,” Sirius said.
“Your point being?” Tonks had to move to dodge the resulting swipe of his arm.
“Come on. Perhaps it was just a mistaken notion of mine, but for a minute there, I thought you two were actually cooperating,” Remus said.
“Sorry, it’s this warthog of a cousin of mine,” Sirius said apologetically.
“Let’s get back on the subject, please?” James asked them.
“All right. All right,” Sirius said. “Truth hurts, doesn’t it? Sorry,” he added quickly.
Tonks sat down at the table next to Sirius. “So...who are we going to call?” she said, trying to get the conversation back on track, preferably with as few insults as possible.
“No clue,” Sirius said.
“Maybe we could call an easily fooled Muggle businessman,” Peter suggested.
“That would be good...” said Tonks, “except, we don’t know any easily fooled Muggle businessmen.”
“Wouldn’t it be better to figure out what we’re going to say first?”
“Right as usual, Moony,” Sirius said, “I bow to your superior intellect.”
He looked at James. James looked back.
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
“I’m thinking I’m thinking what you’re thinking, plus I’m thinking you’re thinking what I’m thinking, which is that we’re thinking the same thing.”
Sirius cocked his head to the side and thought a moment. “If that’s what you’re thinking, I don’t need to tell you what I’m thinking. So if I’m thinking what you’re thinking...” He grinned at James. James grinned back.
”Wicked,” they said together.
“Oh, no. Oh, ho, ho, oh, no,” Tonks said. “That can’t be good. No, no way.”
“Oh, way,” Sirius said, leaning over the table and outlining his plan...
* * * * ~ O ~ * * * *
Andie and Ted ended up getting back earlier than they’d expected. “We’re home!” Andie yelled, pushing open the door. “Guys?...Sirius? Nymphadora?”
Feeling worried, she walked into the back room and was instantly relieved. A video (“The Princess Bride”) was going, and the five kids were in various states of consciousness. (Peter was asleep, face down in the popcorn bowl. It didn’t seem to deter Sirius from occasionally reaching across lazily and digging some out.) Tonks was the only one fully awake, and seemed to be entranced by the “Dread Pirate Roberts”. James had draped himself across the couch in an attempt to stay awake. After Tonks, the closest to wakefulness was Remus. Sitting in the overstuffed armchair (he had won the earlier fight over the right to use it), he was alternately watching the screen and checking the time.
“Eleven o’clock, way past your bedtimes,” Andie announced. As could be expected, whining immediately broke out.
“Aw, come on!”
“Just five more minutes, Mum! Five minutes, pleeeeze?”
“It’ll only last another twenty minutes or so, can’t we finish it?”
“I,” Remus said suddenly, “don’t know what everyone else thinks, but it is late.” The others turned to him in shock. “However,” he continued, “I do want to find out what’s going to happen to Humperdink. I agree life isn’t fair, but surely he deserves something.”
“He ends up living,” Tonks said sadly, “Westley spares him. Says he wants him to live a long life alone with his cowardice.”
“Oh. Well...I guess there’s something in that.”
“Quiet down, will you, I’m trying to listen. I’ve never seen this movie before,” said James.
“All of you are going to go to bed this minute if you don’t stop talking,” Andie threatened. The room fell silent except for Peter’s snores and the sound of Inigo being revived onscreen after fainting at the news that the six-fingered man who killed his father was in the immediate vicinity. “Now, I may let you stay up until the movie’s over if you agree to behave like normal people for the rest of the week at least. Understand?” Nods from the five teenagers. “Good.”
“Sirius,” Tonks whispered, “get off my foot.”
“As you wish,” he replied with a malicious grin.
Tonks spent the next few days trying to separate her fingers.
Life, Liberty, And The Pursuit Of Chinese Takeout by Lissa Reynolds
Author's Notes:
Things have actually settled down a bit around here. Tonks and the Marauders no longer hate each other's guts, a new dog becomes part of the family, and drought sets in. Finally our heroine and her four trusty sidekicks minions have time to ponder the age-old question...What's for dinner?
Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Chinese Takeout
A/N: Androcles (despite being a dog) is my OC. All characters, situations, etc. in this chapter are the exclusive property of JK Rowling. I’m just inviting them over for playgroup. :)
The Tonks household actually stayed pretty peaceful for most of the next month, mostly because everyone was too hot to move. Tonks spent her days in her room, reading dime-store romance novels with the windows open and the fan going, until her mother forced her outside (“You need sunlight and fresh air if you’re going to grow up healthy!”) She then proceeded to disappear for five hours and return with a very large and shaggy yellow stray dog in tow. Andie agreed to let the dog stay on the condition that he be housetrained and sleep on any bed (or even none at all) but hers. The dog, who after some deliberation was christened Androcles, turned out to be already housetrained and preferred to sleep on whatever part of the bed Tonks wasn’t taking up, sprawling out wherever there was room. Ted’s first reaction to the newest resident of what he used to consider his house was, “Dog? That’s no dog. That’s a polar bear that tried to migrate south last winter and got lost.”
After spending a few days whining about how bored he was and how there was nothing to do, Sirius struck up a conversation with the pretty Muggle girl next door and consequently missed dinner for the next few nights. (“Who cares, anyway,” James said through a mouthful of spaghetti, “more for us.”)
James used up ten Galleons’ worth of ink and parchment attempting to write a love letter to Lily; most of that parchment ended up in the dustbin after only two or three sentences. It just wasn’t something one could easily put into words, as he explained to a bemused Sirius. Finally arriving at something he approved of, he sent it by the Owl Office and spent the better part of the next week looking up, hoping for a reply. He never did get one, but he did get an incredible crick in his neck.
The full moon came and went, and there wasn’t much of a noticeable change in Remus’ personality. He was simply a little more irritable and a bit more reluctant to get out of bed in the mornings. As for the rest of the time, he found a 5,000 piece puzzle of Big Ben in an upstairs closet and spent the next few weeks carefully piecing it together and ignoring Tonks when she laughed at him for trying. (He did finish it, by the way”Sirius won the two Galleons.)
Peter finally got around to figuring out how to work the camera he’d gotten for his birthday and immediately became an avid amateur photographer. Some pictures actually turned out pretty good, while others employed what James called the “Y” factor”“Why the heck did I take this picture in the first place?” Some of the photos, however, were obviously intended as blackmail material”so much so that upon catching James with the camera, Tonks promptly dubbed him “the Potterazzi”. The developed prints, though, once viewed were confiscated by Ted, who promised to show them to any boys she brought home in future. (At this, Tonks accused him of having a master plan to keep her single until she was thirty. His response: “Don’t all dads?”) This particular conversation ended in Andie digging out the old photo albums and everyone laughing at the pictures.
It was one of these hot, lazy days when Andie poked her head into the back room. ”I don’t feel like cooking, what’d you guys want for dinner?”
“Chinese,” James and Sirius said together.
“Food,” Peter said at the same time as them.
“Pizza,” said Tonks, looking up from where she hung upside-down on the couch, her hair flopping down to the rug.
Remus yawned and stretched. “I dunno…what ever you guys want.”
The five stopped suddenly and looked at each other.
“Chinese,” Sirius said insistently.
“I don’t think so,” Tonks replied in the same tone.
“I’m not eating anything but Chinese,” James said.
“I’ll eat anything except Chinese,” said Peter.
“I can’t eat with chopsticks,” said Tonks.
“Neither can I,” Peter admitted.
“Come on, you two can use a fork,” James pleaded. “Why don’t you like Chinese, anyway?”
“I just don’t. It’s that simple.”
“You know what I think?” Sirius said, leaning over the back of the couch to look at her. “I think all that hanging upside-down has messed up your brain.”
“Has not,” Tonks said rolling off the couch and onto the rug and sitting upright on the floor, pointedly ignoring Peter (who was smirking at her mussed-up hair).
Listen,” James said impatiently, jumping upon the couch and waving his hands. “We hold the truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal, and that they are endowed by their creator with a certain unalienable rights; and that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of Chinese takeout!” finished James, shouting and pumping his arms in the air, accompanied by the applause of Sirius and the ever-faithful Peter.
“Question.” Tonks raised her hand. “Shouldn’t it be all men and women are created equal?”
James didn’t even pause to think. “No. Frankly, you guys suck at self-government.” Ignoring her indignation, he turned to Peter, who also had his hand raised.
“Er. What’s ‘endowed’ mean?”
“Given,” Remus said without looking up from his book.
“Well, thank you very much, Mr. Dictionary,” said Tonks sarcastically.
Peter ignored her. “And…erm…’unalienable’?”
“Means it can’t be taken away.” Again, he didn’t even look up. Tonks got up and walked over to Remus’ chair.
“Okay, if it’s that interesting I have to know what you could possibly be reading.” She flipped back the cover of the book. “Little Women? Good luck with that one.”
Finally he looked up. “Why, don’t you like it?”
“Nah, just that all Amy’s letters get kinda boring.”
“Yeah, well…the rest of it’s pretty good.” A vaguely amused look came over Remus’ face. “It’s kind of strange, though. I can’t seem to keep from comparing you to Jo.”
Tonks swiped at him playfully as the others laughed. In the background Andie cleared her throat.
“I kind of need a decision here…what’re we doing for dinner?”
They took a vote and ended up with three votes for Chinese (James, Sirius, and Ted), two for ordering pizza (Tonks and Andie), one for making sandwiches (Peter), and one abstention (Remus didn’t really care either way).
“Ok, Chinese it is,” Andie said with a sigh. “But I still think I should get veto power.”
“You do,” said Sirius. “We just have an override.”
All The Good Jokes Are Taken by Lissa Reynolds
Author's Notes:
After multiple trials and tribulations (an exhausted Andie's words, not mine) everyone is finally sitting in the living room with their food, eating nicely...although with Sirius, James, and Tonks in the picture, who KNOWS how long that's going to last? :)
Chapter Six”All the Good Jokes Are Taken
A/N: Much thanks to Andrew for the nerd joke. Luv you always and be missing you in Latin class. Also much thanks to William for the priest-and-rabbi joke: may you always win when you fight with Lydia. Esma and Stella are my OCs. All other characters, situations, etc. are the exclusive property of J.K. Rowling. I’m just inviting them over for playgroup. :)
Somehow (Andie never did manage to figure out how) they all got to Mu Ling, got the food, and got back...in one piece. The drought seemed to have decided it was going to end, because the air was so humid that within five minutes Tonks’ (albeit reluctantly) curly brown hair was frizzing big-time. Ordering took longer than they’d expected, if only because no one could agree on what to order and Andie didn’t want the expense of getting everyone a single dish. The next problem was fortune cookies; they ended up short a couple and Ted had to argue with the chef until they got them.
After a couple of scuffles over who got which chair and who sat where, everyone had somewhere to sit and somewhere to put their food. They were eating in the living room because they didn’t really all fit at the table; Ted usually wasn’t home for dinner. For the first few minutes everyone was too busy eating to talk, but then James and Sirius started telling each other jokes.
“Hey Prongs, how do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?”
James shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Tell her a joke on Wednesday!” Everyone laughed (and Peter choked on part of an egg roll) except Andie.
“Ahem.” She was looking daggers at Sirius, who was trying to figure out what he’d done.
“I...er...what?” James elbowed him in the ribs. “Ow- Ohhhhhh. Erm, sorry, Andie. I, er, forgot. That is, I didn’t mean...” He broke off halfheartedly.
“So much for ‘having influence with the ladies’,” Remus muttered under his breath, grinning.
James swallowed his mouthful of rice. “Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?” answered Sirius.
“Abyssinia.”
“Abyssinia who?”
“Abyssinia behind bars one of these days!” This brought laughs from everyone, even Sirius, and Andie made it known she was pretty sure James was right about the ‘behind bars’ part. Pretty soon everyone else was chiming in with their own jokes.
“Little Willie was a chemist/” Ted offered, “Little Willie is no more./ For what he thought was H2O/ was H2SO4!”
Nobody laughed at this except Remus. “It’s a nerd joke,” he explained. “You see, H2O is the chemical formula for water, and H2SO4 is the chemical formula for sulfuric acid, which looks like water, but is actually a really strong mineral acid, so...oh, I’ve lost you. Well, I did say it was a nerd joke...”
“I don’t think you’re a nerd,” Tonks said in an injured tone.
“Thanks, but, ah, you just may be going against the general consensus there...not sure, but probably.”
“Define ‘general’,” Sirius said.
“Most of Hogwarts, except you guys and Esma and Lily. Maybe Stella too, I don’t know.”
“And me.”
“And you, yes.”
The silence that followed was soon broken by Sirius. “So these two men walk into a band banquet, right? And then the priest says to the rabbi...’I think we’re in the wrong joke!’ Get it? The wrong joke!” He laughed wildly...but no one else did. “Well...I thought it was funny, anyway.”
“Hey, guys “ so this mushroom walks into a bar,” Remus said. “And the bartender says, ‘Wow, it must be really boring being a mushroom and all.’ And the mushroom says, ‘Not really”I’m actually a fun guy.” Some people laughed. Others didn’t. James didn’t understand until Sirius rolled his eyes and explained, “You get it? Fun guy”fungi?”
“Shouldn’t it be ‘fungus’, though, since it’s just one mushroom?” Ted said interestedly. “I mean, ‘fungi’ is the plural.”
“Yeah, I thought about that,” Remus admitted.
Tonks sighed. “Okay, I was wrong. You are a nerd.”
Remus just laughed (at which Tonks became rather annoyed).
“Well,” she said, “who’s heard the story about the little yellow man...?” A few murmurs of dissent. Andie shook her head and groaned loudly.
“Please. No. Not that one.” Tonks, however, ignored her and plowed on with the joke. (Story? Joke?)
“So there’s this little yellow man, who lives in his little yellow house with his little yellow cat and his little yellow fish. And every morning he wakes up in his little yellow bed, folds back the little yellow coverlet, and dresses in his little yellow suit...”
The little yellow man went on to eat his little yellow breakfast, feed his little yellow pets, and go to work in his little yellow car. He said hello to his little yellow coworkers, went into his little yellow cubicle, and spotted a little yellow button on his little yellow desk with the little yellow papers. The little yellow man didn’t know what the little yellow button did, so he asked his little yellow coworkers. They didn’t know either, and suggested asking his little yellow boss. The boss suggested the little yellow superintendent, who didn’t know either and sent him back to his little yellow cubicle. Feeling dejected, the little yellow man didn’t know what to do until he saw a little yellow ant. It sounded absurd to him, but he’d try anything. He asked the little yellow ant about the little yellow button in his little yellow cubicle on his little yellow desk with his little yellow coffee cup did when you pressed it. The little yellow ant didn’t know...but she did suggest he try asking the little yellow bear, who suggested the little yellow camel, who suggested the little yellow dog, who suggested the little yellow elephant, who suggested the little yellow flamingo, who suggested the little yellow giraffe, who suggested the little yellow hyena, who finally stopped laughing enough to suggest the little yellow ibis, who suggested the little yellow jackal, who suggested the little yellow kangaroo, who suggested the little yellow llama, who suggested the little yellow monkey, who suggested the little yellow narwhal, who suggested the little yellow orangutan, who suggested the little yellow penguin, who suggested the little yellow quail, who suggested the little yellow rhinoceros, who suggested the little yellow snail, who suggested the little yellow turtle, who suggested the little yellow unicorn, who suggested the little yellow vulture, who suggested the little yellow wildebeest, who suggested the little yellow xarlin (“What’s that?” interrupted James. “It’s a very distant and little-known cousin of the marlin. Now shut up and let me finish.”), who suggested the little yellow yak, who suggested the little yellow zebra. When the little yellow man asked the little yellow zebra about the little yellow button in his little yellow cubicle on his little yellow desk with his little yellow coffee cup and his little yellow papers did when you pressed it. The little yellow zebra slowly chewed his little yellow mouthful of little yellow grass, and after carefully swallowing it, politely told the little yellow man that he didn’t know at all and added that little yellow wise gurus were sometimes to be found on top of little yellow snow-covered mountains. The little yellow man was at this point very tired of rushing around all over God’s little yellow green earth, but thanked the little yellow zebra and journeyed up to the little yellow snow-covered mountain, where, to his little yellow surprise, he found a little yellow wise guru.
“Oh, little yellow wise guru,” he said, “Can you tell me what the little yellow button in my little yellow cubicle on my little yellow desk with my little yellow coffee cup and my little yellow papers does when I press it?” The little yellow wise guru said in reply, “Little yellow enlightenment cannot be attained by thinking in little yellow ordinary terms. You must be the little yellow button.” The little yellow man tried and tried, but he couldn’t make himself become the little yellow button. When he failed, the little yellow wise guru shook his little yellow head and directed the little yellow man back down the little yellow snow-covered mountain. The little yellow man was becoming more and more depressed. He drooped his way back to his little yellow office. On the way there, he had to wait at a little yellow crosswalk for the little yellow light to turn green. Standing next to him was a very pretty little yellow woman. The little yellow man somehow got up the courage to ask her about the little yellow button. When he did, she just laughed at him and said, “Little yellow silly, try pressing it!” The little yellow man thanked the little yellow woman and hurried back to his little yellow office. He rushed through the little yellow parking lot, yelled a hello to his little yellow coworkers, and dashed into his little yellow cubicle. He hastily shuffled his little yellow papers and his little yellow coffee cup around until he found the little yellow button. Taking a little yellow deep breath, the little yellow man reached down and pressed the little yellow button...
“And?!” Sirius shouted.
Tonks smiled, almost cruelly. “I’m getting there...I’m getting there...hold your little yellow horses....” She leaned back in her chair a little more, brushed a strand of hair out of her face, and continued. “And the little yellow light came on.”
“That’s it?” James said. “That has got to be the little yellow longest”I mean the longest little yellow”I mean”oh, stuff it, that took forever!!”
“I know.”
“Not only was that the longest joke I’ve ever heard,” interjected Remus, “That’s one of the stupidest. Peter, you tell a joke or something, and mind it’s not as bad as that one.”
“Erm...okay...” Remus got the impression that Peter was doing some very quick thinking. “Er...why did the chicken cross the road?”
“To get to the other side,” Andie said in a bored voice.
“Yeah,” he admitted miserably.
“Wormtail, did you have to tell that joke?” Sirius moaned. “It’s the oldest joke in history.”
“All the good jokes are taken!” Peter protested.
* * * * ~ O ~ * * * *
After everyone had (finally) finished their food, Sirius grabbed the bag of fortune cookies and started randomly tossing them to people. Andie was the first to get hers open.
“’Don’t water the flowers.’ What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means it’s going to rain.” James ripped the plastic off his cookie, stuffing it in his mouth and mumbling through the crumbs. “Mm shz, ‘Lrf ‘z shzrt, njey et t’d’f’st.’”
“What?” Tonks said, repulsed. James swallowed.
“Mine says, ‘Life is short”live it to the fullest.’”
Remus snapped his cookie open and pulled out the slip of paper. “’Heads up”the person of your dreams may be closer than you think.’ ...well, I’ve always said these things were rubbish...”
After a few seconds’ scrabbling, Peter got his open too. “’Know where your loyalties lie.’”
“With us, of course,” Sirius said, extracting the wet paper (which he had forgotten to remove from the cookie) from his mouth. “Mine says, ‘Control your impulses.’”
“Yeah, that you need,” teased Tonks. “Listen to this: ‘Friends are one thing you can never have too many of. Make lots and keep them well.’”
“Well, I think you may have gotten the only useful one,” Remus said.
“Tonks, am I your friend?” Sirius said.
“Of course,” Tonks replied...as she shoved him off the couch.
“Duck.” Ted said as he tried to keep his fortune cookie from crumbling into pieces, “That’s all it says... Pretty stupid, isn’t it?” He looked up just in time to avoid a couch pillow from his daughter. “Insubordination, sah! Bad form, bad form...” He picked it up and threw it back at her...but missed and hit Sirius instead. Soon a fully-fledged pillow fight had broken out, which quickly descended into chaos.
Andie considered it a miracle that any of them got to bed before midnight.
A Bad Hat by Lissa Reynolds
Author's Notes:
Those Marauders...they can't even walk a dog without getting into mischief! Within the space of about an hour, Peter gets in a fight with a garden hose, James puts on macho airs, Sirius asks out his Muggle girlfriend, and Remus is accused of reading the dictionary. The real trouble, though, begins when they run into one Dereck Reigo...
Chapter Seven”A Bad Hat
A/N: Sorry, sorry, sorry this took so long getting up. It’s gone through three drafts, a name change, and over a week in Houston and the Texas hill country, which kinda helped finish it. Also my computer was being mean and wouldn’t let me log on or update for the LONGEST time. But now we have a new modem, which is absolutely wonderful. It's so good not to have to wait, I can't believe it...anyway, I’m already a good way through chapter eight, so that's good news too. On a more mundane note, Dereck, Miriam, Katy, and Androcles are my OC's. All other characters, situations, etc. belong to J.K. Rowling. I'm just inviting them over for playgroup. :)
This chapter is dedicated to the real Dereck Reigo; you should have known better than to put a toe near my clarinet. I threatened you with decapitation by tooth; instead you were immortalized as the obnoxious git you are, albeit with a slight name change.
I think I like this better.
Nymphadora Tonks yawned, stretched, got out of be, walked into the hall, and stopped dead. “Oh. My. God.”
Sirius walked out of the bathroom, followed by a billow of steam. A towel was around his waist and he was using another to dry his hair. “Oh my god what?”
Tonks scowled at him. “It’s August.”
He put his head to one side a little. “Yeah. August second, actually.”
She just sighed and glared. “Next time stay in there, okay? And you better not have used all the hot water.”
Sirius laughed. “Touchy, aren’t we? Don’t worry, there’s still some left.”
Tonks rolled her eyes. “Yeah. Whatever. Mum up yet?”
He shook his head. “But if you want a shower, I think your dad’s next.”
Tonks cursed under her breath. “Fine. What ever. At least you’re showering.” She started to head back into her room, then turned around and stuck her head back out. “And get some clothes on!”
* * * * ~ O ~ * * * *
“’Get some clothes on’,” Sirius said mockingly as he sat down to breakfast. “Geez, only thirteen and you’re already starting to turn into Andie.” He sighed. “You’d think you’d never seen a guy in a towel before.”
“Maybe I just don’t particularly want to see you in a towel,” Tonks told him; Sirius jabbed a thumb at his chest.
“Hey, normal girls fantasize about this body!”
Tonks passed him the toast. “Yeah, well, I’ve never exactly considered you a very good judge of what’s normal and what isn’t.”
“I’m not going to ask,” said Remus from behind the Daily Prophet; most of the front page was taken up with a large article about Abraxas Malfoy, who had apparently just donated a large amount of gold to something-or-other.
“You don’t want to know,” Tonks assured him.
“Anything interesting, Moony?” James said, looking up from his cereal.
“Well...it’s supposed to rain,” he said, frowning slightly and resting the end of his pen on his lip. “I hate these crosswords, they don’t stay”hey!” A drop of water had fallen onto his nose. “And the kitchen ceiling leaks, I’m afraid.” Androcles trotted in, flopped on his back, and tried to look as cute as possible. Once he’d gotten Tonks’ attention, he started nosing his empty food bowl around; she laughed.
“Again? You’re always hungry.” She got up to fill his bowl with kibbles and checked the window on the way back. “Yep, raining,” she said over the loud chomping of Androcles having his second breakfast. “Pretty hard, too.”
“Well, it’s got nearly four weeks of drought to make up for, doesn’t it?” Peter said, stretching. Tonks returned to her seat to find James attempting to steal the last sausage”off her plate. She slapped his hand away and he grinned sheepishly. After he’d finished with the kibbles, Androcles disappeared down the hall and returned carrying a leash in his mouth; he was followed by Ted.
“I think the dog wants to go on a walk,” he remarked unnecessarily. “Don’t tell me you five ate all the sausages.”
“You wouldn’t want them anyway,” said Remus, who was now trying to find a drip-free spot to sit. “Prongs burned them.”
“Okay, so I can’t cook,” James admitted. “But, hey, it could have been worse, right? I could have set fire to the house instead of just the sausages.”
Ted laughed. “I remember when I was just learning to cook. I was making tomato soup, but I accidentally used a red bell pepper instead.” Everybody laughed at this.
Tonks mused, “I wonder what that would taste like?”
“Horrible,” said her father, pulling a face. “I couldn’t eat it and neither would the dog. In the end, I put in some beans and tomato, poured it over rice, brought it to the family reunion, and called it vegetarian chili.”
“Let me guess,” Sirius said, grinning widely, “nobody ever asked you to bring food again.”
“Well, that might be a bit of an understatement,” said Ted. At that point Androcles tried to jump on him. “No. Nuh-uh. Go bother her.” Androcles went over to Tonks and sat there, looking up at her with big brown puppy eyes. Tonks looked up at her father, who said, “You can all walk him. It’ll get you out of the way and build character.”
There were only three umbrellas, so Peter got a raincoat and Tonks insisted on her T-shirt, shorts, and flip-flops. (“Fine. But if you die of pneumonia it’ll be you your mother blames, not me.”) After much grumbling, everyone was out the door. The trip was eventful from the start; Peter stepped out the door, fell off the steps, and got tangled in the garden hose. Once he had been extricated with mush laughing and joking, they were off and either trying to avoid (Remus and Peter) or trying to run through (Sirius, James, Tonks, and Androcles) the puddles, some of which were at least a foot deep. Inevitably, a water fight broke out, and even Peter with his raincoat was soaked. (“Well, now we’ll look like fools for having the umbrellas, won’t we?” said Sirius, after Androcles dragged Tonks through a particularly deep puddle.) Tonks emerged from said puddle, however, minus one bright orange flip-flop, so the next ten minutes were spent in a frantic search for the shoe. As it turned out, it was stuck in a crack in the pavement under some two feet of water, but they had to empty the puddle to discover that. Stuck without magic, in the end they had to use a hastily patched inner tube found in a ditch and a trick Sirius got from Regulus (he wouldn’t say how they’d used it, but Remus had his suspicions); James was the only one brave (or stupid) enough to suck on the other end until water came out.
“This is the LAST time I do ANYTHING with you,” James groaned, spitting out water and trying to scrub out his mouth while at the same time keeping his glasses dry. “Godric, I wish I’d though of Impervius.”
“Little late for that now, isn’t it?” said Remus dryly, trying to help Tonks prize her sandal from the crack and rather ironically getting soaked in the process.
Once they’d gotten her flip-flop back on her foot, Androcles dragged them off again. When they drew near Miriam’s house (Miriam was the name of Sirius’ new Muggle girlfriend), Sirius began moaning that she would laugh and think he was a total idiot and break up with him.
“You shouldn’t be dating if you can’t handle rejection,” Tonks said sagely.
“I’d like to see how you’d do,” Sirius muttered under his breath.
Miriam was actually sitting on her front porch despite the continuing torrential rain and began waving and giggling when she saw them. This seemed to cheer Sirius up substantially; he had his head up a little higher and his walk became more like a strut. Unfortunately in this state it was pretty hard for him to see where he was going...and so he fell headlong into one of the biggest puddles yet.
“Siri!” Miriam squealed, running over and pulling him up. “Hey, Dora,” she said, wiggling her fingers at Tonks.
“Oh...yeah, hi, Johnston.”
“So that’s the Muggle girl Sirius’s seeing?” James whispered to Tonks, who nodded.
“Miri, where have you been” said Sirius, hugging Miriam tightly and flattening some of her bright red curls in the process (though she didn’t seem to mind). (“Siri and Miri. How nauseatingly cute,” Peter said.)
“Looking for you,” she said adoringly, kissing his nose. After they had been kissing for two minutes by James’ watch, he tapped Sirius on the shoulder.
“Pads? Planning on finishing that anytime soon?”
“Oh. Yeah,” he said, surfacing. “Hey, Miri, I’ve got a ticket to Creatures From Space with your name on it...”
“Isn’t it scary?”
“Don’t worry; I’ll be there to protect you!”
“Oh, I’d love to! Saturday, then?”
“Three o’clock, and not a minute later,” he replied, twisting a strand of her hair around his finger. James waited another five minutes before breaking up the resulting songfest again, pulling Sirius away and glowering at Tonks, who was standing against a tree some feet away, pretending not to notice that anything was going on. His complaint (or so he told her) was that she’d let go of Androcles’ leash.
“He wouldn’t run off,” she told him once they were out of earshot of Miriam. “He likes me too much.”
“Oh yeah?” James demanded. “He sure doesn’t like me.”
“That big fat dog of yours is an idiot,” Sirius said, in considerably a better tone (than both his previous and James’.)
“Androcles is not fat,” shot back Tonks, cuddling the aforementioned dog indignantly. “He’s just fluffy.”
Remus shook his head. “There are three things you should never insult in a woman, Pads...her dress, her weight, and her pets.”
* * * * ~ O ~ * * * *
“We’re lost,” Tonks said miserably some thirty minutes later. True, it had stopped raining...but they were in a part of the neighborhood that none of them knew.
“Whaddya mean we’re lost?” said James, striking a pose. “We’re intrepid explorers! The word ‘lost’ isn’t even in our vocabulary!”
Androcles sat down, threw back his head, and howled. “’Lost’”, commented Remus. “Adjective: Ruined; destroyed. Not to be found; missing. No longer held, seen, heard, etc. Not gained or won. Having wandered astray. Wasted. Adjective substantive: One lost through death, etc.”
There was a creepy silence during which everyone looked at Remus. Then Tonks said, “Merlin’s beard, what do you do in your spare time, read the dictionary?”
“What would you do if you had to sit in the hospital wing for a week every month?”
“True,” she admitted”“Oi, Potter, if you kick my dog once more, I will rip your head off, stuff it down your throat, hog-tie you to a spit, and roast you over a slow fire until you’re cooked. Then I will cut you into little pieces and feed you to Androcles and Baxter, and what they do not eat, I will coat with birdseed and feed to the pigeons. (Baxter, it had transpired, was Miriam’s dog.)
“Well, you make him shut up then,” said James.
“Quiet, Androcles,” Tonks said; the dog immediately stopped barking.
“Good. Now I can hear myself think,” said James, folding his arms. “So, what’re we going to do?”
Tonks shrugged. “We could always knock on a door and ask where we are.”
“Are you kidding?” Sirius said. “We do NOT need to ask ANYONE ANYTHING.”
She rolled her eyes. “What is it with men and asking for directions?”
“Hey, you were the one who said we were lost.”
“That is so beside the point.”
“What’s the point, then?”
“Would you two mind giving it a rest?” Remus leaned against a telephone pole, resting his head on his hand. “All you ever do is bicker, bicker, bicker, argue, argue, argue, fight, fight, fight. It’s driving me out of whatever semblance of sanity I have left after six years with James and Sirius, and quite frankly, I can’t stand it.”
There was a short (and almost surprised) silence; then Sirius put his arm around Remus’ shoulders. “Sorry, Moony...I had no idea it bothered you so much.” For her part, Tonks bounded over and hugged him tightly.
“Awwww,” James said, grinning. “C’mon, group hug!” Remus struggled for a minute, then relented. “Fine. Whatever. I love you guys too.”
“Glad to hear it,” Sirius said, punching him on the shoulder. “Hear that, Dora? You’re not unloved.”
“I never said I was,” Tonks replied. “And, didn’t I ask you not to call me that?”
“Erm...yeah. Anyway, saves time later if you ever do get to feeling unloved,” Sirius said, shrugging. Tonks sighed in a weary sort of way. She picked Androcles’ leash back up and turned to face the others. “I can see a street sign over there”we’re on Elm Street, and that’s Ash Road. I live on Cherry Tree Lane, which dead-ends into Ash somewhere, oh, thataway,” continued Tonks, waving her hand vaguely. “This is North Ash, which is too far north. Sooo...” She muttered to herself, moved her arms about, and turned around several times, then stopped suddenly, facing toward the street. “If I’m right, we need to go that way.”
James sighed. “Why couldn’t you have done that earlier?”
“’Cause I was too busy bickering, fighting, and arguing with you and my dear cousin,” Tonks said, turning to face them. “Let’s go.” She started to walk away, but was suddenly stopped by a dead weight on the other end of the leash; Androcles had apparently decided against going anywhere.
“Oh no,” groaned James, “Now what’s wrong with that dog?” ‘That dog’ was sitting, immovable, at the very end of the leash, staring up at the house and growling. Tonks tugged on the leash, pulled from other directions, and finally held the end and leaned as far as she could, with no result except that her hands slipped on the leash and she fell back onto the sidewalk. Almost immediately there was the sound of laughter.
“That doesn’t sound good,” said Peter, as Tonks hastily pulled herself off the sidewalk. As if to confirm his statement, out from behind a nearby tree stepped a tall, fifteen-ish boy with a Roman nose and short, wavy dark hair whom Remus recognized with a sinking feeling as Dereck Reigo.
“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Little Blue. Or, what is it you’re going by these days?...Freakadora, isn’t it?” He took a few steps toward Tonks; Androcles growled a little louder. “What’s this, Blue? You’ve got yourself a dog...well, I guess you had to get something that would listen to you...”
Tonks’ voice shook. “Sh-shut up, Reigo.”
“Now, do you really want to say that? You know I have every right to say what I want, you warthog-faced buffoon.” Tonks opened her mouth to say something, but Reigo cut her off. “Ah-ah-ah, don’t talk while I’m talking. You might huwt youw wittwe bwain. Not that I imagine there’s much left to damage, though...or that there ever was. Tell me, what’s it like to have been born with less than normal intelligence? ...or are those words too big for you? Shall...I...speak...more...slow...ly?” He grinned at the sight of Tonks shrinking and backing up a little. “Aww. Poor Blue...can’t even take a joke without falling apart. Lucky you brought your hired goons here, else there might not have been any witnesses...pity...I guess you’re getting off easy, then.”
“What are you doing here?”
Reigo gave Tonks an amused look. “I live here, Blue, unlike yourself. I’d tell you to get off my property, but then I’d have to sit here all day without anything to do...Freakadora.”
“Leave me alone, or I’ll...I’ll...I’ll set my dog on you!” Admittedly this was not the most effective threat, but Remus thought Androcles was still at least mildly frightening. Reigo merely laughed and whistled loudly. From around the corner of the house bounded a large, menacing-looking Rottweiler, who stood to one side of Reigo, teeth bared.
“This is Katy, Blue. If I told her to, she could rip your klutzy excuse for a dog over there to shreds, so...” He smirked at Tonks. “I think the odds are slightly in my favor. What kind of dog is that, anyway?” Reigo continued with a pronounced sneer, “Mutt, I expect?”
“Actually, he’s part Doberman, Great Dane, St. Bernard, Lhasa Apso, Pekingese, Chihuahua, Rottweiler, sheep dog, pug, bulldog, Dalmatian, Scottish terrier, bloodhound, fox terrier, poodle, and greyhound...but mostly Newfoundland. ” How she said it with a straight face to Reigo, Remus would never know.
Reigo sneered again. “Yep...a mutt. But, if I didn’t know better, I’d say you were cheeking me, Blue.” Tonks shook her head furiously, backed up another step, and ran into Sirius, who turned to Reigo.
“And you would be...”
“Reigo. Dereck Reigo,” he replied. “Black, isn’t it?”
Sirius ignored this and started in on Reigo. “You messing with my cousin?” It was as though someone had deflated Reigo with a pin; he turned very pale.
“I...your...cousin?” He looked nervously from Sirius to Tonks, swallowed, and backed up so rapidly that he hit a tree. “I...no idea”“
“Stop babbling,” Sirius said scornfully, putting an arm around Tonks. “And yeah, she is. You got a problem with that?”
“N-n-no,” Reigo managed to squeak out.
“Good,” he replied, folding his arms and glaring at Reigo. “Now, apologize to the lady.”
“Erm...Pads?” James gestured down the street. Tonks was no longer standing next to the five boys; she had simply disappeared.
Sirius groaned. “I’ll deal with you later,” he growled at Reigo. “Just get out of my sight.” Only too glad to leave, Reigo scrambled up the steps to the house and slammed the door behind him.
* * * * ~ O ~ * * * *
It took the four boys about half an hour to find the Tonks’ house, even with Androcles (who apparently knew the neighborhood better than any of them, even Tonks.) They then scouted the yard and house until Remus finally found her hiding in the hedge in the back yard.
“This is your hideout?” James said, crouching next to the shrubs. “A hole in the hedge?”
“Usually it’s just me and the dog,” she snapped back at him, raising her tearstained face from its place on her knees; Androcles wormed his way in beside her.
“We can, er, leave if you want us to”“ Sirius began cautiously, trying to avoid a row, but
Tonks shook her head.
“’S okay...” She turned and buried her face in Androcles’ fur. “I hate Dereck Reigo.”
“Great, so do we,” James said cheerfully. “So we can all go do something horrible to him together.”
"Yeah," Sirius said darkly, "that one's a bad hat.” Tonks did not lift her face from her dog’s side but made a muffled noise of assent.
The Pool Party of DOOM by Lissa Reynolds
Author's Notes:
We all remember Miriam, right? Sirius' crazy Muggle girlfriend? Well, you'll meet her again. After all, it is her birthday...
And what would a party be without the four and only Marauders? Not to mention Tonks and, oh horrors, Dereck Reigo?!
Chapter Eight: The Pool Party of DOOM
A/N: Sorry for all these delays!! I haven’t even gotten to this yet because of homework, marching band events, boyfriend (didn’t see THAT coming) and knitting for said marching band events and/or boyfriend. So, very sorry and hope to update sooner next time. *.*
“Why are we doing this again?” Tonks groaned, heaving her bag a little farther up her shoulder.
“Because,” James said for the five thousandth time, “it’s Miriam’s birthday and Padfoot wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“But why do we have to come along too?”
“Because we got invited.”
“But why did we get invited?”
James shrugged. “You’re the bird here. Don’t ask me to fathom the workings of a girl’s mind.” She glared at him.
“Didn’t you just say that?”
“Didn’t you just ask?”
“You did just ask,” Peter said.
“I know I just asked,” Tonks said, adding a curse.
“You’ve been swearing a lot this summer,” observed Remus without turning around.
“I’m always swearing a lot. I think I must get it from my cousin’s side of the family.” Tonks stopped suddenly. “Hey, where is Sirius?”
“He’s, er, planning to come later,” Remus said.
“Why didn’t you tell us then?” Tonks said angrily.
“I don’t think he wanted you to interfere with his, hm...grand entrance.” She swore again and Remus sighed. “Stop it, would you?”
“Why?”
“Why are you being so bloody irritable today?” James asked. “And don’t just swear at me either. You already did that to Moony.” Tonks muttered something about “my mother says” and “Reigo”. Remus thought he also caught a rebellious, whispered curse. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Now what’s Andie been shooting her mouth off about?”
“She says Reigo just likes me,” she said sulkily. “And then she went off into this long story about...oh, what was his name...”
“Paying attention, were we?” Remus said.
“Shut up. Paul somebody, I think.”
“It’s more common than you’d think”being mean to people you like, I mean,” Remus said.
“There’s always hope,” said James.
“What?”
“Lily,” he said with a little sigh.
“Oh...eurgh.”
“Am I to take it you don’t agree with Andie?” said Remus with a smile.
“Of course not! He’s so mean, and horrible, and- and- he’s a git!”
“Stop it, you’re scaring me,” James said.
“Why?”
“You sound like Evans now.”
“I do NOT!”
“Ever actually heard her?”
“I...no...but, I don’t! I just don’t.’
“You’re just afraid to ad-“
“Oh, look, we’re here,” Tonks said icily.
“Stop trying to change the subject!”
“We are here, Prongs,” Remus said.
“Oh...right.”
* * * * ~ O ~ * * * *
Once inside the gate, they were immediately set upon by Miriam.
“Where’s Siri?” she said worriedly after they were all in the garden.
“He’s, erm...” Remus began.
“Don’t tell me he isn’t coming!” Miriam said tearfully, lip atremble.
“He isn’t coming. I mean, he isn’t not coming. I mean, he-“
“I knew it!” she wailed. “He doesn’t love me anymore!”
“Sirius is just- well, he-“
“He’s breaking up with me, isn’t he, and he just doesn’t want to tell me! Is that right? Of course it is...” She trailed of into sobs, leaving Remus thoroughly confused and feeling quite out of control of the situation.
“I- oh, I can’t explain- Prongs, can’t you?”
James looked put- upon. “If you can’t do it, I can’t! ...Wormtail?”
“No!” Peter squeaked. All three boys looked at Tonks, who sighed and leaned against a neatly manicured bush.
“Look, Johnson. Your boyfriend is coming. He’s just planning to impress you with a grand entrance.” Miriam brightened up immediately and sniffed melodramatically.
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Thanks, Dora. That’s really good to know.” She enveloped Tonks in a clearly well-intentioned but just as clearly unwanted hug, grinning; Tonks emerged gasping for air. Miriam led them through another gate into the pool area. Most of the guests who were already there were people they didn’t know, presumably Muggle friends. Unfortunately, they did recognize one person.
“You invited Reigo?” Tonks yelped.
“Oh, you’re friends with Dereck too?” said Miriam.
“Er- not really.”
“Oh, that’s alright- he’s such a lovely person. I’m sure you’ll get to like him!” Tonks threw a look at James that screamed, “Can we go home now?” He shook his head no. They gradually drifted away from Miriam and into a corner of the wooden fence, where Tonks threw herself down onto a paint- splotched pool chair.
“What, didn’t bring a bathing suit?”
“As a matter of fact, I did,” she said with a sneer. “It’s under my clothes.” She lifted the hem of her shirt- ‘Stop staring at my chest’- to show a strip of sky-blue suit. “See?”
“I see, I see,” James said defensively. “You sure it’s just Reigo that’s ticking you off?”
“None of your friggin business.”
“She’s jealous of Miriam,” Remus said as he pulled off his shirt; Tonks spluttered and gasped.
“What- I- no!”
“And mad at Sirius.” Leaping up indignantly, she shoved him into the pool; he came up and spit out a stream of water unfazedly. “Am I right?”
She scowled and threw herself back down into the chair. “Let’s put it this way. Would I tell you if you were?”
Remus grinned. “Would you tell me if I wasn’t?”
“Stop finding holes in my logic!”
“Why?”
“Just- because!”
“Nope. Not a good reason.”
“You’re impossible!”
“Then why am I here?”
James pushed Tonks out of the chair and sat down in it himself, looking vaguely amused. “Stop flirting, you two.” Tonks made a sound of surprised indignation and pushed him right back out.
“And what would you mean by that?” she said angrily.
“Oh look, you’re blushing,” teased James.
“Am not!”
“Are too...”
She turned her head toward the fence, ignoring him. Suddenly, she looked up at the tree whose branches hung over the diving board. “Oh, surely not...”
“What?” asked Peter, looking up from inflating his floatie.
“Oh, you’ll see...oh, can I borrow that?” Tonks pointed to the faded, pink-and-orange, tiger-headed inner tube.
“Erm...I guess so.” Peter finished blowing it up, corked it, and handed it to her.
“Thanks.” Tonks took the floatie, then just stood there for a bit. After a few minutes, she walked over and held it over the diving board.
“What are you-“ James began, but he never finished. None other than Sirius Black leaped from the overhanging branches onto the diving board- and right through the floatie. Not noticing what he’d picked up, he bounced again and did a giant cannonball into the water, soaking many of the people clustered around the pool.
“Siri!” screamed Miriam, launching herself into position beside the edge. Gradually the water calmed and the floatie popped to the surface, accompanied by a few bubbles.
“Er...Prongs?” Peter said nervously.
“Yeah?”
“Erm...can Padfoot swim?”
“Oh Lord,” Remus said quietly.
As if on cue, Sirius broke the surface, eyes wide, spluttering for breath. Somehow his hands found the bobbing floatie; he clasped it to his chest and nearly went under again. Coughing and gasping, he doggy-paddled to the side and hauled himself up into Miriam’s arms, whereupon she began sobbing and scolding wildly. For her part, Tonks stuck out her tongue at James, tossed the floatie back to Peter, and shoved Remus’ head under the water as she made her way over to the other side of the pool.
“Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say,” James grumbled peevishly under his breath as Tonks perched herself delicately- no, coquettishly on a deck chair. “And- what the devil?” The cause of his comment was not the decidedly un-Tonks-like manner she was taking, but who she was taking it with.
“Tell me, tell me, tell me that’s not Reigo,” he pleaded to Remus.
“Er...yeah. That’s definitely Reigo.”
James just stared for a second, then turned back to him. “And...er...is she flirting with him?”
“Er...yeah. She’s definitely flirting with him.”
James stared at Remus now. “And...er...are you repeating everything I say?”
Remus just kept nodding dazedly. “Er...yeah. I’m definitely repeating everything you say.”
“Well, would you cut it out?” James turned back without waiting for an answer, and promptly did a double take. “Hey- they’re gone!”
“No, they’re over there- by the cake.” Sure enough, Tonks had led Reigo over to the table with the cake on it and both were laughing obnoxiously.
“She’s betrayed us,” Peter said solemnly.
“We must never speak of this,” James said.
“Agreed,” said Remus.
The three turned to each other and shook their heads sadly. “I guess this is it, mates,” James started to say, but he was interrupted by a splash and a scream from the other side of the pool. A very, it must be added, unmanly scream.
“What the- did you see that?” James said amazedly.
“No- what happened?”
“I dunno- I didn’t see it either.”
Peter pointed to one of Miriam’s giggling girlfriends. “Well, she’s got one of those, erm...vidyo thingies...”
“It’s a video camera,” Remus said. He opened his mouth as if to continue, then shut it and began chuckling to himself.
“What?”
“I think I know what happened...”
“Well?” Remus just pointed to where Reigo was floundering around in the deep end of the pool for all the world and a video camera to see, splashing about helplessly and screaming his head off. Leaning against the table, Tonks wore a self-satisfied smile.
“You don’t mean to say...”
“Mm-hm.”
Peter’s face took on an air of deepest awe, usually reserved for James. “Nooooo.”
“What did you expect? ...she is a Black, you know.”
“Of true Marauder stock,” James breathed.
Sirius turned around suddenly and looked at them. “What’s going on exactly?”
Remus looked at James. “You explain.”
“No, you explain.”
Remus smiled. “No...you explain.” He sank under the surface and disappeared from sight, emerging only when his breath was depleted and he was quite sure Sirius had stopped laughing.
Back to the Past, or, Haven’t We Seen These People Before? by Lissa Reynolds
Author's Notes:
During one *lively* dinner conversation, it is suddenly revealed that Tonks is none other than...well, you'll see. It is also suddenly revealed that she was once the unwitting victim of...well, you'll see. And when Remus goes back in his head to remember the prank gone wrong in question...well, you'll see.
Chapter Nine: Back to the Past, or, Haven’t We Seen These People Before?
A/N: No more apologies! Here’s the chapter. I know it took a while but my mother wants me to get into NHS so...*melodramatic sigh* Plus, I’m doing lights for our fall production of The Mousetrap, so my summer could be busy...plus a part-time job come summer...maybe I can buy my own computer and work at night too. Hey, an author can dream, can’t she? (Seriously, though, anything that comes out of my pen after 10 o’clock turns into scary stuff. If I ever finish Triple Threat, a Remus/Tonks fic that involves Greyback biting people...well...*you* know...I’ll post it and you can see what I mean.) Anyhoo, the football story is my dad’s. (He’s now a college professor who runs marathons and occasionally becomes too skinny for his pants, in which cases my mom gets exasperated and makes him eat more.) And my...um...apologies to the Tiffanies. *Three more annoying girls have hardly ever walked this earth. RGGH.* Also to Mary Margaret and Margaret Maria. (For Margaret Marie James.) Also to St. Francis Xavier and Charles Dickens. Also to C-Rod and my Aunt Melissa. (For everyone’s last names. Xavier, Manette, and Rodriguez.) Also to Sirius’ great-grandfather’s great-grandfather. (For abusing him so horribly and making him act out of character.) Also to you guys for taking forever. Um...did I say no apologies? ^_^; OH WELL!!! Hope you like it!
Tonks sighed and mentally tuned herself out of the ongoing dinner conversation. Nobody was listening to her.
“I remember when I was a kid in Muggle school,” Ted was saying. “We used to play all kinds of stuff in gym class, but there was nothing like American football. I mean...”
“Quidditch beats,” James said flatly.
“No way. There’s nothing like the feeling you get when you go for the ball and tackle the other bloke...the whoosh sound their lungs make when you knock ‘em over and wind ‘em...the way your body collapses when they hit the ground and it jars your mouthgard...”
“...yeah. Quidditch beats.”
“Or when you grab the ball and run for the endzone. ‘Course, it was better when all the guys were skinny. The trouble started when they started getting muscles and I didn’t.”
“Should’ve been a Seeker, then. Quidditch beats.”
Tonks interrupted their debate, trying once more to make herself heard. “I said, what did you four think about the party?” James turned and looked at her as if just now realizing that she was there.
“Oh. You should have spoken up.” Tonks rolled her eyes. “Erm...what was that all about with Reigo?” Andie immediately joined the conversation.
“Reigo? Oh, do tell.”
Tonks sighed. “Revenge, mother dearest. He’s probably gone off to sulk after the way I tossed him in the pool...he deserved it!” she added at Andie’s horrified look.
“You shouldn’t do that,” Andie said. “He might have drowned. And anyway, if you continue scaring people off like this you’ll still be single at thirty.”
“Somehow I think I’ll manage,” Tonks said with a roll of her eyes.
“Yes, but will you manage according to Mummy Dearest’s standards?” Sirius said slyly; he winced in pain and tucked his legs under his chair, out of reach should Tonks take it into her head again to kick him.
“The things young people do these days,” Andie carried on. “When I was your age-“
“When you were their age, you were doing the exact same things,” Ted said smugly. “Admit it, Andromeda.”
“Well...maybe.”
Ted smiled nostalgically. “Now, when I was their ages, I divided my summers between playing Ted and Barfball- I mean Tiffany- Go to Space on the couch with my little sister and gazing hopelessly at Margaret Marie James. Girl from down the street,” he added hurriedly, “nowhere as pretty as you.” Andie still didn’t quite look reassured, but Tonks was practically howling with laughter.
“You called Aunt Tiffany Barfball?” she said when she could stop laughing long enough to get the words out. “That is the funniest thing ever.” Her laughs gradually tapered off into a puzzled but serious look at Remus. “Erm...what exactly are you staring at?”
“Have...have I been walking past you every day for three years running and not known who you were?”
Sirius leaned over for a closer look. “Heey, she does look familiar!”
Tonks scowled. “Congratulations, Shylock. It’s the hair.” She rooted around in her pockets for a moment, then left the table and returned with a hair tie. Bending over, Tonks pulled her mid-back-length blond hair into an extremely messy ponytail on the top/right side of her head.
“Is that how you wear your hair at school?” Andie said with an air of displeasure.
Remus snapped his fingers. “Aha! Dora!”
James looked acutely embarrassed. “I...er...well...sorry ‘bout that little...incident...with the, erm...frogs.”
“That was you?” Tonks looked livid.
“Good going, Prongs,” Remus muttered.
“Oh, yeah, I remember that,” Sirius said, “back in...would’ve been your first year then?” Tonks nodded, still scowling. “Hm...let’s- OH. Erm...” He joined James in scarlet hue. “Well, I ..er...ah...that is, I mean...eek. Look, we were going for someone else.”
“Come now, what’s this all about?” said Ted, looking delighted. “I haven’t heard this before.”
Sirius began. “Well... here we were, four fifth years, and there they were, four first years...and...erm...”
“Prank time,” nodded James as sagely as was possible under the circumstances.
“What we didn’t know was that those were NOT just any first years, they were...erm...” Peter stopped here and looked to his idols for help.
“Devils,” Sirius spat. “In disguise as four innocent little first year girls. I can still tell you their names- Manette, Rodriguez, Xavier, and this little blond one who called herself Dora.” He glared at Tonks. “Xavier was the ringleader-“
“That was Elissa, of course.”
“-and Manette just kind of stood there in the shadows-“
“Cree. Hits hard, though, doesn’t she?”
“-shut up. And Rodriguez already had all the little first year boys wrapped around her fingers-“
“Some of the fifth years as well, if I remember right.”
“-and then of course there was you. Would you stop interrupting?”
“No.”
Remus leaned back, listening to them argue on. The sounds faded into the background like in a movie where all you can hear is one person’s thoughts, usually accompanied by some upward chimes. Unfortunately, it’s very hard to describe on paper, so go figure. To get back with the action, he remembered that day very well. Very well indeed...
* * * * ~ O ~ * * * *
“I’m bored,” he heard fifteen-year-old James say inside his head.
“You can’t possibly be bored,” the (slightly) younger Remus had told him. “Haven’t you ever looked in the library?”
“Maybe that’ll work for you, but not me,” James had replied, rolling onto his stomach. Oh yes- they had all been sitting under that tree by the lake. Bright spring day. Late March, maybe. Everyone all worked up over their OWLs except for them. Typical. Bit of a breeze, the sun shifting through the green leaves above, patterns of light playing across his book.
Oh yeah. That was why he was having so much trouble reading it.
“Padfoot and I,” James continued, putting his arm around his friend’s shoulders, “we need action.” Remus-from-the-present noticed his use of the pluperfect tense slipping away as he went deeper into the memory.
“Like?” Remus said, not giving up on his book quite yet. To tell the truth, it hadn’t been very interesting really to begin with, and it was such a pretty day...
“Like pranking somebody, or beating up on some Slytherins, or playing non-regulation Quidditch, or, or...”
Sirius poked James and grinned. “Or pranking somebody and beating up on some Slytherins.” Remus followed his gaze to a small group of Slytherins who were yelling at a cluster of first years, and vice versa.
“Is this going to be a good idea?” Remus asked, finally putting away Thoughts on Doxies and the Like by one Ichabod Massey Boureng. He wondered momentarily whether the author had ever written under his initials.
“Of course it’s going to be a good idea,” James said. “Our ideas are always good.” He wilted a little under Remus’ harsh look. “It’s not our fault if McGonagall usually thinks otherwise.”
“Mm-hm.”
“Plus, it’s got that righteous-action junk you love so much written all over it, Moony!” Sirius added. “What could be more kind and helpful than putting those bullies in their place?”
“Waiting for a prefect, maybe...?”
“Moony, you are a prefect.”
“Oh. Right.” Yeah...he just hadn’t used his prefectorial powers too much around them. Something told him they weren’t complaining.
“Anyway, prefects never have as much fun as we do,” Sirius carried on blithely. “All you guys do is give detentions and tell us off to McGonagall. We Marauders, on the other hand...” Hoo boy. Remus could see it coming, even light years into the future, and he knew his past self could too.
“Let me guess: time to take off my little badge of honor and take on my true identity as a Marauder: breaker of rules, defier of authorities, and shirker of duties, not to mention skiver of classes.” Here he looked pointedly at James.
“Hey, I forgot to do my homework and you knew it!”
“Whatever.”
“Actually, Moony...if you really want to miss out on the fun...go be all prefect-y...put us in detention if you like...we won’t stop you...” Sirius heaved a large and obviously fake sigh that made Remus’ resolve loosen slightly. Oh, no. Here he went again, doing things he wasn’t supposed to do...getting in trouble...losing points...getting their butts hauled off to McGonagall’s...having tons of fun...
“You know,” he heard himself saying, “you’re going to have to tell me at some point what it is you plan to do.”
“Oh, nothing much,” James said. “Just a few hexes here, couple jinxes there, add some frogs and just a dash of mischief, simmer for twenty seconds and ka-BLAM! ...now you’re cookin’.”
“Frogs?” echoed Peter nervously.
“Mischief?” Remus said with a touch of doubt.
“You are, of course, in on this one, Moony?” Sirius asked him pointedly.
“I...ah...well...okay.” James and Sirius high-fived. “Why do I get the feeling I’m going to regret this?”
“I believe my great-grandmother said something very much like that upon an occasion very much like this,” Sirius said as they all began to get up and sidle down the hill, “except that my great-grandfather was trying to get her drunk at the time. No reflection on the current situation, of course. And do you know what my great-grandfather said to her?”
“Do we want to know?” James groaned.
“He said,” Sirius said, ignoring him, “‘Susanna dearest,’ he says, ‘my grandfather said something very much like that upon an occasion very much like this, except my great-uncle was trying to talk him into doing his chores for him. No reflection on the current situation, of course. And do you know what my great-uncle says to him? “Arthur old lad,” he says, “my daddy said something very much like that upon an occasion very much like this, except his father was telling him to clean the stables since the stable-elves were all drunk. And do you know what happened to my daddy?” he says, “he got his behind smacked. And that is what is going to happen to you if you don’t do them for me.”’ And so my great-grandmother gets up, hits him so hard she knocks him out, and then goes and gets drunk anyway. And then my great-grandfather gets up, and he--“
“That’s quite enough, thanks,” Remus said (the older Remus agreed with him). “Especially since I don’t really understand what was going on in that story. And very especially since I think the point was that you were going to beat me up.”
“Er...let’s just forget it then.”
“Yes. Let’s.” As they walked closer, they could hear shouting, most of which consisted of the Slytherins insulting the first years. There was also, however, the noise of the small crowd that had already gathered around them.
“’Scuse me. Pardon me. Comin’ through. ‘Scuse me. Pardon me.” Peter was having to jog to keep up with the other three, being at the back. For James and Sirius (and Remus, who was directly behind them), however, the crowd seemed to part like water. Within seconds they arrived at the front, where they could see better. Except, of course, for Remus-from-the-present, who (seeing through his memory’s eyes) had been pushed to the back and couldn’t see much except the back of James’ head. If only he’d had that growth spurt a few weeks earlier...
“What’s going on here?” he heard Sirius say from the front. While the crowd fell silent, several voices started up at once.
“We were just walking along, minding our own business--“
“You liar, it was all your fault to begin with--“
“They came up behind us and hexed Cree something awful--“
“Frogspawn, all that. You walked straight into Lestrange--“
“What? Oh, no! Anyone but you.” The last was apparently directed at Sirius, who in any case took it very personally. He started to argue, but James pushed him aside.
“He said, what’s going on here?” Finally everyone shut up except the first voice, which both the Remuses now recognized with horror as their-his?- cousin Elissa’s. They weren’t incredibly fond of each other, to put things lightly.
“Well. The four of us here were just walking down to the lake- we have every right to do that, I’d hope- and all of a sudden they just show up. And I say hi and they start hexing us.”
“I can’t see any evidence of that,” came James’ voice skeptically.
“That’s ’cause they missed,” started in another voice. It had been new to the younger Remus, but he knew it very well now. “Horrid aim. Comes of being in Slytherin, shouldn’t wonder. Is that why you lot lose all your Quidditch games?”
Dora’s comment set the crowd to giggling and the Slytherins to threatening to prove their good aim with a jinx to her head. Suddenly one of them-- Lestrange, the older Remus realized now-- whipped out his wand and sent a weak but well-timed Jellylegs at her. It bounced off her bookbag and rebounded onto Sirius. With a veritable shriek of anger, (but a very manly one, he always insisted) James turned on the little group of Slytherins and began hurling hexes at them. Sadly, the only one to hit anything caught Dora square on the arm. For a moment, she only had a strange look on her face; then she suddenly vomited up a frog. And another. And another.
“Um...Prongs?” Sirius said from his place on the ground. James opened his mouth but was cut off by a swift jinx, courtesy Elissa. Soon jets of light were streaming from nearly every person in the crowd, the Slytherins not wanting to give up on a perfectly good fight and most everyone else trying to defend themselves.
Yes...yes...it had been quite a time...so had the mass detention they’d all served a few days later. That was another memory, though. As he helped clear away the plates among much fighting over whose turn it was to wash the dishes, a small voice in the back of his head reminded him that they ought to be getting their lists for school soon. Ugh...school...
Ugh? Indeed, it appeared that six-odd years with James and Sirius and one summer with Dora Tonks were finally getting to him.
James and Sirius would be so proud.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.