"So, I'll see you tomorrow?" Nymphadora Tonks asked hopefully.

"Definitely, we'll meet up around three, do whatever and go onto duty together, is that alright?" he replied, equally as hopefully.

Just not in the way Tonks had hoped.

"Yep, see you!" she waved.

He walked down the path leading away from Tonks' apartment. She sighed. He looked so sad and forlorn with his frumpy old brown jumpers and equally shabby trousers. His stance was bad, his shoulders drooping forward. Even his prematurely greying hair was a picture of depression.

Tonks' best and only close friend had been round for his usual cup of evening tea. Tonks enjoyed his company, but he saw her approaches as friendship. Nothing more than rotten friendship.

Tonks watched him turn and raise his hand in his normal farewell salute. She copied, hoping it looked as natural on her as it did on him.

His chuckle of amusement told her it didn't.

She watched him stroll along the street, his hands in his pockets, whistling gently. A picture of content. A picture she could only dream of being part of.

Tonks watched him walk round the corner. Even when he was out of sight, she remained intently watching the spot he had disappeared from, not able to shake the feeling of loneliness that always surrounded her once he had left.



And now I'm all alone again,
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to,
Not a home, not a friend, not a face to say hello to,
And now the night is near, now I can make believe he's here.



Suddenly, she decided she needed a walk to clear her mind. The setting sun cast rays of golden, pink and orange light around the streets, illuminating endless possibilities. Only one seemed satisfying. And that was precisely the one she knew she'd never have the bottle to do.

Tonks darted inside, shut the door behind her and raced up to her room (tripping up the stairs several times). By the time she had reached her tiny flat, she regretted not taking the lift, despite the smell of urine. But she had more important things to do than regret the past. If only she knew what.

Grabbing her front door keys, Tonks jumped on the banister (it seemed the least painful way) and slid down several storeys.

She staggered off the bottom of the stairwell and flew outside, taking deep breaths of the sweet summer air and wondering where she would go.

Tonks decided her feet would decide and started to walk down the street bathed in evening sunlight.

She liked this time of day best. The streets were usually almost completely empty, leaving her to do what she wished when she wished. She liked to watch the way the day turned into night as she stood in it. At this time she had a place in the world. But as night fell, she couldn't find that peacefulness.



Sometimes I walk alone at night,
When everybody else is sleeping,
I think of him and then I'm happy with the company I'm keeping,
The city goes to bed, and I can live inside my head.



Tonks suddenly knew where she was going. She forced her legs into a run, stumbling blindly at first but eventually falling into a rhythmical pattern.

As her feet traced the familiar path, Tonks wondered of she had gone completely - as she had always been a little - stark-staring bonkers.

Arriving at her destination, she knew this was true.

Ignoring the blood pounding in her ears and the sweat from the long run flattening her mousy-brown hair, Tonks charged up the stone stairs.

She stood in front of the towering wooden door and knew that she was mad.

But how could she delay this anymore? How could she try to swallow her feelings for a moment longer? She couldn't. She raised her hand to knock. He skin was white in contrast to the rich colour of the door. Maybe she could wait a few more minutes, just to regain her composition.

She lowered her hand and waited. She didn't know what for, just something, a sign, anything to tell her she was doing the right thing.

It began to rain.

Tonks began to think that she should be submitted to the mental ward at St Mungo's. She had legged it from a dingy old apartment she called her house to confess her undying love to a man almost twice her age, but now she had run five miles, she couldn't do it.

Then Tonks stopped thinking about how nutty she was and began thinking of what she would say to him if she actually knew he loved her.

You mean the world to me. No, that sounded soppy.

I'll love you until the stars stop shining. So did that.

Will you marry me? Ha! As if a dignified man such as he would ever marry a scatty girl, barely out of school, like her!

Her case was hopeless. She was hopeless. She was destined to spend her life alone, unloved and miserable.



On my own,
Pretending he's beside me,
All alone, I walk with him 'til morning,
Without him,
I feel his arms around me,
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes,
And he has found me.



Tonks shook her head, blinking away the tears that threatened to spill. She had come here for a reason and she was not going to leave until that task had been fulfilled.

She raised her hand to knock again. Then lowered it. Again. How many times was she going to chicken out like this?

She suddenly became aware of the darkness around her. Tonks sighed, turned around and looked around her.

She looked up at the cloudy night sky, but was forced to look down again as the raindrops stung her eyes.

Tonks took to surveying the landscape, the glowing lampposts, the pavement shining in the rain, the trees full of the starlight hidden behind the clouds.

She looked at the beauty she could never be part of, no matter how many times she magically changed her looks to be pretty.



In the rain, the pavement shines like silver,
All the lights, are misty in the river,
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight,
And all I see is him and me, forever and forever.



Tonks tripped down the stairs and sat heavily on the bottom one, watching the wet faces of the people hurrying past. The rain had stopped bothering her long ago, especially as she was now soaked through.

She loved him so much. Everything about him was magical.

The way he scratched his head whilst thinking, the way he squinted when he encountered new things. The way the corners of his eyes crinkled and his eyed sparkled when her clumsiness amused him.

But she was just a friend to him. She would never be more to him, no matter how much she reasoned that he wasn't that much older than him and his condition was just that - a condition. One night a month wouldn't make any difference at all if they truly loved each other.

She knew the arguments he would make if she ever had the bravery to admit her feelings to him. She should, she had imagined them a trillion billion million times. As often as she thought of him.

Tonks began to think he would never love her, not if they lived to be five thousand. Then she shook her head and mentally reprimanded herself (physically and verbally reprimanding herself had earned her a lot of strange looks).

He would love her, he had to, one day. She just had to be patient. Something she was not good at, but she would learn. She would have to.

Besides, she could imagine him loving her until he did. However long that took.



And I know, it's only in my mind,
That I'm talking to myself,
And not to him,
And although, I know that he is blind,
Still I say, there's a way for us.



Tonks sat with her chin rested on her hands for most of the night. The rain persisted and she grew colder. But she didn't care. She would sit there until she had the courage to knock on his door, or until he came out and enquired in his polite and formal manner why she was sitting on his doorstep soaking wet. Whichever came first.

Then she thought what would happen if he never came out again and she never plucked up the bravery to knock. She could be sat there for an awfully long time.

Tonks allowed her mind to drift to all the good times they'd had together.

Like the first time they met. She had tripped over that blasted troll umbrella stand at Grimmauld Place and right into his wasted arms.

She remembered how he'd awkwardly stood her on her feet and they'd introduced themselves. It seemed like yesterday.

But then did the time she'd asked him round for tea for the first time. She remembered her invitation sounding vaguely like a troll speaking, except her voice had been high a girly and she had babbled more than a troll could ever dream of having the intelligence to do.

She remembered the delighted expression on his face as he finally understood what she was saying and how grateful he was to get away from his house.

His happiness had caused Tonks to trip over he own feet and break about twenty dusty plates.

They had had so many good times together, so many laughs, so much fun. But as friends. Only as friends. Only ever as friends.

The day dawned and the rain stopped. Tonks told her legs to stand and walk home before he came out of his house and found her, but the morning was so harsh. No birds sang, the sun was hidden behind stormy rain clouds and a cold wind was starting to blow, freezing Tonks to the bone.

She didn’t want to move in case she became part of this cold, harsh world before her.



I love him,
But when the night is over,
He is gone, the river's just a river,
Without him, the world around me changes,
The trees are bare and everywhere, the streets are full of strangers.



Tonks kept telling herself to move and, in time, she did. Just not in the direction she had planned.

She stood, fell, became disorientated and once again found herself standing in front of that all too familiar wooden door.

So she told herself to knock, to smile brightly at the tired man she would find behind it. And then confess her feelings to him. Even in her head, this sounded absurd. She expected she would be whisked to the nearest muggle hospital if she said it aloud.



I love him,
But everyday I'm learning,
All my life, I've only been pretending!
Without me, his world will go on turning,
A world that's full of happiness that I have never known!



The Tonks knew that if she didn't tell him today and now, she never would. She'd always be silly, clumsy, foolish little Nymphadora, alone and unhappy in her little apartment, visited only by the Great Remus Lupin, who was still happy, despite his lifestyle.

Tonks raised her hand for the third time, determined. She would defy her destiny to be alone. She would not allow herself to drown in the immense feelings she had managed to hide for so long. She would tell him and she would make him love her as much as she loved him.



I love him...I love him...I love him,
But only,
On my own!



Tonks knocked on the door three times.

Remus knocked on Tonks' apartment door and it immediately opened. It never ceased to amaze him how quickly she managed to do that. It was as if she was waiting behind the door for him to knock. Maybe she did.

"Oh, wotcher, Remus, come in, tea's ready!" she gushed breathlessly.

Maybe she just dropped whatever she was doing and charged over to the door the second it knocked.

Remus grinned and stepped inside her small abode. It was generally messy and tended to look more like a teenager's bedroom than a fully-grown adult's flat.

Tonks led him through the cluttered living room and into her humble kitchen. A beautiful tea of coffee, cake and sandwiches were arranged daintily on the small table.

"Wow, it looks great," Remus complimented as they sat down.

Tonks blushed. He wasn't cruel enough to mention the coffee stains on the white, lace tablecloth.

Once they had settled down and helped themselves to food and drink, they started to chat casually about anything and everything.

After tea, they retired to Tonk's tiny living room and watched a funny programme on her T.V, cracking up with laughter several minutes after it had finished.

Tonks had recently moved into the Muggle block of flats, and after an unexpected guest exclaiming that she didn’t had one, had found herself acquiring a variety of different Muggle objects. The T.V, a telephone (or as Tonks called it, that weird ‘ringy’ thing) a football table and a second-hand box of Scrabble were just a few.

Dumbledore supported the idea too, even buying himself his own ‘weird ringy thing.’ He had told Remus, when he has asked, that it helped him to keep in touch with the Muggle world, therefore understanding them far better than the average wizard.

Quite frankly, Remus hadn’t agreed, but if Dumbledore supported the idea, so would he. Although rotting his brain whilst watching some guys trying to speak Swedish wasn’t exactly his idea of fun, Tonks loved it, so he did too.

"D-do you want another cup of tea?" Tonks asked politely, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes and breaking Remus’ train of thought.

"Better not, I should be going, it's getting late," he poked her shoulder playfully, sending chills throughout her body, "it's past my bedtime."

"Oh! But you can't go yet! It's not even six!" Tonks cried desperately. Remus raised an eyebrow and looked pointedly at her clock (another Muggle souvenir) which proudly told them it was half seven. Tonks coughed sheepishly and smiled, her dark eyes sparkling childishly.

"Oh no, not the eyes! Don't do the eyes, Tonks!”

But it was too late; Tonks had already transformed her eyes big and brown, the metamorphmagus’ version of puppy-dog eyes.

"Ok! Ok, I'll stay, but only for one cup of tea, then I really should go," Remus gave in.

He had vowed that he would always be home by eight when he was on duty the next day. Seven if his transformation was within that week. So much for that rule.

"Yes!" Tonks cried, jumping up and charging into the kitchen, tripping over her own feet as she went.

As soon as she had gone, Remus sighed and slumped back on the sofa.

Their evenings together almost always ended like this. Tonks pleading and bribing him to stay, never relenting unless he made up some stupid excuse like "Oh my God! I think I left the gas on!" and him leaving in a hurry, feeling very guilty until the next night, when they would usually do the same thing.

He thoroughly enjoyed their time together, but it was at the same time, wracked with pain, distress and guilt. He was a middle-aged man and a werewolf at that, as Tonks well knew. He should be at home, reading a book with a mug of coffee, not spending his evenings at a crazy, young, Muggle-obsessed woman's house.

At that moment, Tonks came slumping back in the room, her face forlorn and her hair a mousy brown colour.

"What?" Remus asked, immediately concerned.

"There’s n-n-no," a massive sigh shook her body. Remus jumped up and wrapped his arms round her, acting more like a concerned father than a worried friend.

He gently led her to the sofa and sat her down next to him, his arm still round her shaking shoulders.

"What? Tell me. I won't be cross. What's happened?"

"There's no tea left!" she cried.

Remus had to prevent himself from bursting out laughing, but even he couldn't stop a small smile escaping his lips.

"That's all? You’re not hurt? Nobody's died?" he asked, still trying to stop himself from laughing.

"No! Of course not! But you said you'd only stay for one cup of tea, and then you had to go. And there's no tea, so you'll have to go!" she babbled like a child in trouble.

"Well, I suppose I don't have to go immediately, I'll stay for ten more minutes, ok?"

Tonks grinned happily and brushed away her tears, turning her hair back from mousy brown to bubblegum-pink.

"How about ten minutes and a couple of games of Scrabble?" she asked, her eyes big and hopeful.

"But you hate Scrabble, you always lose!"

She had never quite got the hang of that particular Muggle game.

"Yes, but you love it and you always win!"

Whereas he, despite his Wizarding heritage, was something of an expert.

"No, I'm sorry Tonks, It's a full moon tomorrow night and I need a good night's sleep, ok? Maybe next week when I've recovered a bit, ok?"

Tonks nodded sadly, ashamed that she had made him speak of something he didn't like. Remus noticed her sadness and rested his hand on her shoulder.

"Cheer up, next week is only three days away," he said.

Tonks smiled but her eyes showed her true sadness.

Three days could seem like a lifetime when you were pining for a friend.

The next ten minutes past in an uncomfortable silence and Remus was almost relieved when he made his excuses.

They walked awkwardly out of Tonks' flat and down the stairs to the front door. Tonks tripped a couple of times and Remus had to catch her, which made the descent even more uncomfortable.

They eventually reached the door. Tonks opened it and Remus stepped outside, turning round to say goodbye.

"So, I'll see you tomorrow?" Tonks asked hopefully.

"Definitely, we'll meet up around three, do whatever and go on to duty together, is that alright?" he replied, equally as hopeful.

Maybe things would be different the few hours before sunset that they were following out Dumbledore’s carefully planned orders for.

"Yep, see you!" she waved.

Remus turned and walked briskly down the path, stopping himself from turning in case he ended up running straight back to Tonks.

When he reached the end of the pathway leading from the block of flats and turned onto the street, he turned back and gave his normal wave, a sort of salute and grin.

He watched with amusement as Tonks copied. He chuckled as he turned the corner where his expression immediately turned sour.

He sighed and sat down on a garden wall for a moment, resisting the urge to turn back.

Lately he had been getting a strange feeling whether he was around Tonks, or not. When he was with her he wanted nothing but to get away, to be somewhere else, hide. However, when he was on his own, he wanted nothing but to be with her, laugh with her, just be in her amazing presence.

He groaned. He was impossible.

Forgetting about his early night, Remus Apparated into Hogsmeade.

He slumped into The Hog's Head, preferring it to The Three Broomsticks where people tended to stare and avoid him. He sat down on one of the stools at the bar, next to a woman in a veil.

The woman lent over to him, lifted up her veil ever so slightly, so only Remus could see her - or rather his - face. Remus grinned.

"A life-time of being barred from this pub not suiting you then, Mundungus?" he whispered.

Mundungus grinned, winked and covered his face up again.

Remus rolled his eyes, typical Mundungus Fletcher, stretching the law or just downright disobeying it.

The bartender came over and looked questioningly at Remus who had only been in there once before.

"Firewhisky, please," Remus said.

The bartender nodded and placed a grubby bottle of the strong alcohol and a dirty glass onto the counter.

Remus opened the drink and poured it into the glass before holding it to his lips. It smelt putrid. Remus put it back onto the table, glaring bitterly at it. He had been there before; he wasn't about to do it again.

He had felt much like this the night before the last full moon, but instead of going home and to bed like a person with any sense would do, he had come to this pub and drowned his sorrows with firewhisky and other spirits like it.

That transformation had been the worst he had ever had. He didn't want to go through that again. Sighing, he dropped a couple of sickles onto the counter, patted the "woman" on the shoulder and Apparated back to his house.

On arrival, Remus crawled into his neatly made bed without undressing and promptly fell into a deep sleep.

*

The next morning, Remus woke up early, much earlier than he normally did. After trying to sleep for a few fruitless minutes, he climbed out of bed and slouched into the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea, snatching up a book on the way.

He settled down on his worn sofa and was just beginning to start reading when the fireplace in front of him burst into flames. Remus flinched, not realising what a bad headache he had.

He briefly wondered who would be contacting him so early, before kneeling in front of the fireplace as the wrinkled head of Albus Dumbledore appeared.

"Good morning, Albus! This is an unexpected surprise.”

"Remus, my apologies for appearing so early, how are you?”

"I've been better."

"I didn't wake you?"

"No, I was up," Remus replied, wondering where this was leading.

"Well, I'm glad you answered. I have been trying to contact Tonks all night, I have sent owls to her flat, apparently alarming several muggles, I have rung many times and considered apparating. After her neighbours’ responses to the owls, I decided this would be unwise, you wouldn't happen to know where she is, would you?"

"She's missing?" Remus asked, faintly.

But he had been with her just the following evening. He remembered with a pang of guilt how relieved he had felt to get away from her company.

If only he had stayed, he might have been able to protect her from - from what? An attacker? And intruder? Herself? He didn't know what had happened to her, so why jump to conclusions? He took a few deep breaths and calmed himself before turning his attention back to the head in the fire and realising that Dumbledore was still speaking to him.

"We - me and Snuffles - know that you are her closest companion and wondered whether you knew where she was or could look at places she could be at."

"Of course, I'll get right on it. You'll let me know if she's found, won't you?"

"You'll be the first to know, Remus, thank you and good luck."

Dumbledore smiled and vanished, dousing the fire and Remus immediately dashed into the bathroom, had a quick shower, changed his clothes and made himself look half decent and as if he hadn't been lying awake at intermitted periods throughout the night thinking about the very woman who had mysteriously vanished.

He then dashed to the front door and was about to open it and step outside when he remembered that he was in fact a wizard and could Apparate to her flat, which he promptly did.

He rather rudely barged in and started frantically called her name, becoming more worried by the minute. She wasn’t there.

What was Tonks doing out of her flat at six in the morning? Surely someone like her would sleep until at least midday.

He strolled through every room in the flat, eventually arriving at her bedroom door. He knocked out of habit, then nervously opened the door and peered in, a light flush creeping to his pale cheeks.

It was dark, so he flicked on a light. His eyes were immediately drawn to a large, leather bound book lying on her unmade bed.

He picked it up. It was hand embroidered with pink flowers and looked eccentrically out of place in the bright, vibrant room.

Remus flipped it open and found a date scrawled across the top, with the title "Dear Diary" beneath it. With a flash of alarm, Remus snapped the book shut and threw it back on the bed.

Who knew what embarrassing secrets he could have stumbled upon lay in that book? Tonks' diary. Remus shuddered, he could have read any number of weird things about her personal life she would die to prevent him from knowing.

His cheeks hot and red, Remus backed out of the unnerving room, only to find himself dashing back in there and opening the diary once more.

What had Tonks written about him? He was her best friend and she was one of his, surely he must have at least been mentioned.

Taking the diary into the living room where he and Tonks had joked about just the previous night, Remus settled down to read, forgetting that his friend was missing. Not knowing that, at his own house, that very friend was knocking on the door three times.

'Dear Diary,

Today Remus, me and the rest of the Order members who'd volunteered to pick Harry up and take him to Headquarters left.

We had to get up, like, really early, nine in the morning! Never again, I tell you, it was awful. Yet, everyone else had already eaten, had at least five cups of coffee and were all set to go by the time I had dragged myself downstairs (I was staying at Headquarters).

I dunno how they manage it. Remus was completely cool and, like, 'Afternoon, Tonks' when it wasn't even afternoon, and then everyone started laughing. I nonchalantly ate my breakfast and drank my tea and then we apparated to Privet Drive.

We had to hide out while the letter to the Dursleys about the 'Lawn Competition' thing got sent in and until they eventually got their huge backsides out of that weird house.

Then we got in, I broke a couple of plates, but everyone actually thanked me! It seemed that I could be as clumsy as I liked there without anyone moaning or calling me Nymphadora!

Anyway, we made our way upstairs, broke in to Harry’s room, he looked pretty freaked out to see us all there to be honest, and introduced ourselves.

When Remus told him that I was 'Nymphadora Tonks' I thought, that's it, the most famous kid in the world knows me as 'Nymphadora', but then he said that I only prefer to be called by my surname, or something like that. If I hadn't already been in love with him then, I would've fallen for him on the spot.'

Remus stared at the page. Tonks loved him? Tonks loved him. But how? Why? She was scarcely an adult; way off if you looked at her personality, he was middle-aged man and a poor, dangerous one at that. And how could she love him without him realising?

Maybe if he read on, he'd find out. Maybe it would be better if he didn't know. But how could he know that another human being loved him and not know the details. So he carried on reading.

He read about numerous conversations between him and Tonks, half of which he didn't even remember happening, yet she did, word for word.

He read about every single of their evenings together, all the times they had been on duty together, every time they had bumped into each other, every single humorous thing he had said to her was written down.

It was like a chronicle of his life with her, although it included other small things about Tonks' day to day life. It was extraordinary.

But one bit caught his attention more than the rest, it was written the day after he told her that he was a werewolf, a month after she had seemed to have developed feelings for him:

'Dear Diary,

Yesterday, Remus told me that he was a werewolf.

Of course, he didn't just sit me down and tell me, he dropped loads of hints, and when I didn't get it he sat down next to me and said: 'Tonks, I have something to tell you, something you may not like.' My immediate reaction was 'oh no, he knows about my feelings about him' then I thought 'maybe he likes me and he's about to tell me?' it was confusing.

But no, he just said 'I'm a werewolf.' Just like that, and I just stared at him and he then told me that I probably didn't want him to be a part of my life now I knew and I was just, like, 'of course I still do! You’re my best friend!' And he gave me a hug and everything carried on as normal, well normal for him, not for me.

I do still want him to be part of my life, he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. True, I do seem to be more childish and clumsy in his presence, but who isn't when they're in love?

And I am in love. I love his shabby clothes, and the way he gets this strand of hair in his eyes all the time, and the way his eyes sparkle when he's about to beat me at Muggle chess or Scrabble, and the way he's always so calm and professional and, oh, a million other wonderful little things about him! He's the most amazing person I've ever met, but I can't tell him.

I know every single argument he'd throw at me if I told him. He'd tell me he was too old for me, too poor, and now he'd probably tell me he was too dangerous as well.

And I hate it so much, I don't care about any of those things, I never have done and never will do.

Every moment in his presence is a nightmare to me because I can't tell him. It's not fair.

I love him so much.'

Remus has been so absorbed in the diary, in the truth about Tonks, that he hadn't seen that the sun had set and the moon had come out. It was only when he saw a silvery light illuminating his tired face in the mirror opposite the sofa when he realised what was about to happen and where he was.

He dropped the diary on the floor and leapt to his feet. He had to get out of there, what if Tonks came back? Panic and fear lanced through his body. He could hurt her. She loved him and he could hurt her. He wouldn't let that happen! But if he went out, he'd hurt so many other people. Then he'd Apparate, why didn't he think of that before? But it was too late.

An excruciating pain ripped through Remus' body as his transformation began.

*

Tonks was standing impatiently outside Remus' door. She had been ringing the doorbell and knocking on every single window and door for hours and Remus hadn't answered. Men! It never occurred to her that Remus could be some place else.

When her watch told her it was midday, she decided that Remus wasn't there and he wasn't about to come back anytime soon, so she Apparated to headquarters to see if she could find him there.

She entered the kitchen to find Dumbledore sitting with his head buried deep in the palms of his hands, Sirius slumped in a chair in a corner of the room, and Mrs Weasley pacing, her face a picture of worry.

When she coughed to announce her arrival, there was uproar. Dumbledore sighed loudly, obviously with relief, and sat back in his chair, calm and mature once more.

Sirius jumped up and ran to her with his arms wide open as if to hug her, however, when he reached her, he decided against it and settled for a pat on her shoulder.

Mrs Weasley however had no such embarrassment, she charged over to Tonks and pulled her into the tightest and biggest hug she had ever received. When Tonks complained of not being able to breath, she was finally released.

"Ok, that's the weirdest welcome I've ever got, including that time I ended up in the Slytherin common room. What's up?"

"Please, Tonks, take a seat and I'll explain everything," Dumbledore promised.

So Tonks sat.

"There was a small emergency involving yet another regurgitating toilet last night, fortunately handled by Mr Weasley this morning, that we thought we could use your expertise for. I tried various methods of contacting you throughout the night, with no luck. We became extremely worried and called in Remus to look for you. Obviously he has found you and sent you our way-"

"What? Remus didn't find me! I've been knocking on his door all morning!" Tonks protested.

"I see," Dumbledore said, "it seems we are now missing another member."

He frowned, placed the tips of each finger together and gently lent on them.

"And you have no idea where he is, Tonks?" Sirius asked, concerned.

"None whatsoever, I spent last night at his house and he didn't come or go."

Realising how weird this must sound to them, and taking in their shocked and appalled faces, she hastily corrected herself.

"I mean, I spent last night outside of his house, I needed to tell him something, but I didn't want to disturb him... oh never mind, I'll explain properly later," Tonks said, folding her arms defensively. "Anyway, I've been knocking since about seven this morning and, even if he Apparated back to his house, he would have heard and answered. There's no way I could have missed him."

"I spoke to him very early this morning in order to ask him to search for you," Dumbledore explained.

"Oh, well, he must still be looking for me then, I guess. Well, I'll just have to go looking for him. I'll Apparate into his house this time, no matter how rude it is, and look around. I'll follow any clues I find to where he might be, and then I'll report back at six," Tonks said, surprised at how logical she sounded when inside, her heart was pounding.

Remus was missing, if he didn't turn up, what would she do? How could she live without him? She couldn't.

"Very well, Tonks, I wish you the very best of luck and we shall hear from you at six o'clock," Dumbledore said.

Tonks nodded once and Apparated to Remus' humble abode.

*

The werewolf sniffed around. He could smell meat. Meat was good, was chewy and tasted good. He crawled into the kitchen. The scent was stronger there. It was coming from the fridge.

The creature rested his snout against the object and sniffed up and down. It was chicken. He liked chicken. He wanted the chicken.

He nudged the fridge with his head. It doesn’t do anything. He bangs harder. Why doesn’t it open? He is hungry and he wants food!

The werewolf howled with frustration and took a running charge at it, this time he made a small dent. And he hurt his head. He howled again, louder.

Something bangs on the floor and a woman's voice yelled out:

"Oi! Tonks, keep it down up there!"

Tonks. He knew that name. He whimpered, he knew that name but he didn’t know why.

Forgetting about food, the werewolf skulked out of the kitchen and into the hallway.

*

Tonks crept through the deserted, silent hallway of Remus' house. She didn't know why she was creeping, but she had never been in his house before, who knew what uncanny things she might stumble upon?

Everything had an aura of him about it. Everything was calm and kind and so perfect. In Tonks' eyes, anyway. The normal person would see a small, shabby but well loved home that belonged to a single person, not a family for there were no toys strewn across the floor and only one bed in the entire bungalow. And everything was so neat.

Eventually, Tonks stepped into the small kitchen. It was pristine, except for a cup full of cold tea on the kitchen table. It looked like someone had just absently left it there as they hurried away. Tonks realised with a pang that that must have been exactly what Remus had done that very morning.

She didn't like his tea. She didn't say so of course. Whereas she loved three teaspoons heaped with sugar and lots of creamy milk, he drank his with no sugar whatsoever and only the tiniest drop of milk, so that it was sharp and strong and bitter.

Tonks smiled, they were so different, yet so the same. It was quite funny, really.

There were lots of post-its on the fridge. Tonks curiously went up and read a few, in case they might be of any help, she told herself. In truth, she just wanted to know more about his mysterious life he managed to keep from her, no matter how much he was interrogated.

"Get potion off Severus."

"Need milk and bread by Saturday."

"Buy that book by Philip K. Dick, Andy mentioned."

Tonks had no idea who Andy was, though she assumed he was one of the Order, or maybe just an old friend. Who knew?

There were many more insignificant, ordinary notes like this, and buried at the bottom, a few from years ago, when he was still teaching at Hogwarts. Some went back even before that.

Deciding there was nothing of interest on the fridge, Tonks wandered back into the hallway and into each of the other rooms. Each one was worn, but well loved and extremely comfortable, just like the man who lived there.

But everything was so neat, and every room had it's own different stack of books of a wide variety of topics, it made Tonks wonder where he went when he transformed. Although, from what he had told her, the potion that Snape made calmed him down enough to be able to curl up and sleep during the night.

She sighed. He obviously wasn't in the house, she had searched everywhere with no evidence as to where he could be.

Frowning, Tonks Apparated to the nearby park, he had once told her that it was a good place to go in the evenings to read.

She strolled through the grass as the sun started to set, eventually arriving at the murky old pond. It was filthy and full of moulting ducks. Tonks couldn't see what Remus saw in it. Although, he always managed to see the good in people, even her.

He'd probably tell her one day that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was just a troubled mind, not an evil creature trying to take over the world. Tonks sighed.

She sat down on the bench and wondered how many times and how long Remus spent down here.

He had no proper friends that she knew of other than her, Sirius and this mysterious Andy guy. Sirius was shut away at Grimmauld Place, she was asleep half the day and always on duty and who knew about this weird Andy dude?

After a while, and after deciding that ducks were really quite useless in the scheme of things, Tonks realised that Remus wasn't coming and she should search elsewhere.

After checking her watch and realising that it was nine o'clock at night, she quickly Apparated to the front of her flat.

After all, if Remus was still looking for her, what better place to look but where she lived?

She arrived at the front of her door, stumbling over her feet three times in the darkness until she eventually found her front door.

Tonks opened it, not knowing that a fully-grown werewolf was waiting to greet her.

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore was worried. Very worried.

He was sitting at the kitchen table at Grimmauld Place, deep in thought. Nothing like this had happened before in his long memory.

Two of the Order were missing. It was a full moon that night and in an hour’s time, the sun would go down, the moon would rise and Remus would transform into a werewolf. No matter who he was with and where he was with them, it would happen, and he and others could be seriously harmed.

His unusual wristwatch clanged loudly, telling him it was half past six. He sighed and rested his head lightly on his hand.

Tonks should've been there half an hour ago. He reluctantly decided that he should abandon headquarters and go on a personal search for both of the valuable members.

Dumbledore promptly stood, stepped outside of the derelict house (it was, like Hogwarts, impossible to Apparate from inside the building) and Apparated to the front of Remus' home.

He strode confidently up the stairs and rapped sharply on the door. He stood there like that for ten whole minutes, knocking every two, before sighing, checking there were no Muggles around and Apparating into the house.

Dumbledore thoroughly searched every room, before giving in to the idea that Remus was not there. He frowned and decided he should search Tonks' flat. Remus spent most evenings there, regardless of what everyone else thought of him and it was very likely that he was there now.

At this point, Dumbledore considered turning back. He was tired and Voldemort's power was increasing everyday, despite what Fudge was telling everyone. He shook his head to clear his thoughts and focused on the main thing that mattered at that time. Finding Remus and Tonks. He swiftly Apparated to an alleyway by Tonks' block of flats.

He removed his robes and folded them so they fit into one of the voluminous pockets in the Muggle suit he wore below. He then walked smartly into the block of flats and knocked on the first door he came to.

After several long moments, a young woman with scraggly blonde hair scraped back in a clip and bouncing a wailing toddler on her hip answered.

"Good evening, ma'am, I was wondering if you could inform me in which flat a Miss Nymphadora Tonks currently resides in?" Dumbledore asked pleasantly.

The woman raised her finely plucked eyebrows before answering.

"Tell you what, mate, why don't you take yourself and your dumb speeches outa my flat and try lookin' at the flat numbers?" she asked sarcastically. "Or would that be too much of a problem for your old legs, grandpa?"

Without waiting for an answer, the woman slammed the door in his demurely smiling face.

Dumbledore sighed, wondering why everyone in the world was trying to make life difficult for him, before seeing which room Tonks lived in and beginning the long ascent up to it.

*

Tonks had just opened the door to her flat and was tentatively calling Remus' name. Except, her voice came out as a whisper. She was scared, petrified even, and she didn't know why.

She tiptoed into her small kitchen and looked around. The fridge was dented and smashed up, as if someone with no hands or arms had tried to open it.

Frowning, she pulled out her wand and continued her search into her living room.

A flash of white. Hot breath on her face. The blinding light of an ineffective spell being cast. And then, Tonks took in what she was seeing.

A werewolf.

A fully-grown, hungry-looking werewolf. Tonks screamed. She could think of nothing else to do, even less the consequences of the noise. The werewolf cowered, trying to block out the high-pitched sound.

Tonks found herself staring the creature in its eyes. But they weren't just any eyes. They were Remus' eyes. Those beautiful, brown, speckled with gold eyes that she had found herself staring into so many times. But.... how?

Then it struck her. This wasn't just any old werewolf who had ventured into her flat. This was Remus in his transformed state. He must've been looking for her and lost track of time, just as she had done in his home.

Then another thing hit her and brought a sharp pang of fear to her stomach. She was alone, on the top floor of a Muggle block of flats with a fully-grown, non-sedated werewolf towering over her.

She scrambled to her feet, foolishly trying to run away. But her legs collapsed. She cursed; she had always had weak ankles. She turned around on the floor and let out a gasp as she saw Remus the werewolf towering over her, frighteningly violent.

"P-please, Remus, its me, Tonks. You remember, don't you? We have tea together, remember that, R-Remus?" she pleaded, her voice at least thee tones higher than usual.

The werewolf seemed to calm slightly at the sound of her voice and a familiar name. Then he became confused. He sniffed at her before baring his teeth in a defensive manner.

Tonks screamed again. That infernal noise! Remus didn't like it; he had to make it stop. So he began to advance upon his prey.

*
Outside Tonks' flat, Dumbledore heard a high-pitched shriek. Deciding that now was not the time to worry about being polite, he Apparated into the room.

He quickly assessed the situation and sent a strong Stunning spell at Remus. Not expecting an attack from behind, the werewolf froze before falling into to floor in a crumpled heap.

Dumbledore stepped around him and crouched down on the floor next to the stricken Tonks.

"I apologise for my harshness and insensitivity, but we should get back to Headquarters, before Remus awakes," he said softly.

Tonks shook her head.

"T-that's not R-Remus," she whispered.

"That is Remus in his transformed state, not the Remus we know. Now, please, Nymphadora, we really must be going. I don't suppose you feel up to Apparating, grasp my arm and hold on tight."

And with that, the calm old man and the shocked and still terrified young woman Apparated away from their deaths.

*

The next morning, Tonks received a knock on the door of the room she was staying in at Grimmauld Place.

"Come in," she answered, sleepily.

Remus tentatively opened the door and peered inside. Tonks blushed, he looked awful. His hair was in disarray, his clothes were tattered and torn at the seams and he looked so dishevelled and tired.

"Remus, good morning," Tonks greeted him shyly.

"I'm so glad you're alright. I was so scared I'd hurt you, and I am so, so sorry. You must accept my sincerest and humblest apologies, it won't ever happen again, I promise. Oh, Tonks, I'm so sorry!"

"Remus! I don't want your apologies, I -"

"Look, I know you're upset with the way I acted last night, I could've killed you! I can't apologise enough!"

"Remus! It's not your fau-"

"Please, Tonks, just accept my apology, you're one of my best friends, and I am truly sorry."

"SHUT UP!" Tonks yelled.

Remus stopped his babbled explanation to look at Tonks, wide-eyed.

"I'm sorry I yelled, but you wouldn't be quiet and let me accept your apology, you twit! It wasn't your fault, it was my fault for going missing and I'm sorry. Even if it were your fault, I wouldn't let you apologise, anyway," Tonks said, her bottom lip jutting out slightly in determination.

Remus smiled.

"Thank you."

They sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, thinking how good it felt to be friends with each other.

"Tea?" Remus eventually asked.

"You know I hate the way you make it," Tonks replied with a grin.

Remus shook his head and conjured up two cups of steaming tea, he handed Tonks hers and she was surprised to see whipped cream decorating the surface. She smiled happily.

"Or maybe I don't hate it so much."

They sipped their beverages, chatting lightly, each just relishing how it felt to be with each other, how comfortable and right it felt.

Eventually, silence fell and Remus realised that he would have to tell her what he had been meaning to since he sought her out that morning. He gulped the last drop of him tea and set the mug down beside him before stealing a glance at Tonks.

Her hands were clasped around the cup and she had a dreamy look of content on her closed eyes heart-shaped pale face. The morning sunlight streamed through the window behind her, illuminating her spiky hair and surrounding her with a warm glow of gold.

"Tonks?" he asked, anxiously.

"Hmm?"

"I found your diary."

Her eyes snapped open and she regarded him with caution.

"And I read it."

She set her mug down on her bedside table and closed her eyes once more. There was no content on her face this time. She then uttered a sob and buried her head in her hands.

Remus bit his lip guiltily and slipped up on the bed beside her from his position on the floor, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Tonks, I'm really sorry that I looked, truly I am, but I just couldn't help it. I'm only human, after all...well, sort of. Anyway, I am extremely flattered to have caught your attention in this way, but I am simply not right for you. I'm too old for someone as young as you and far too poor as well. Not only that, but I'm a werewolf, I am too dangerous and would be terrified of hurting you. More terrified than I was last night. It just wouldn't work."

"Stop it!" Tonks cried. "Just stop it!"

"Stop what?" Remus asked.

"Stop explaining things, stop being so logical and so formal! Just stop being realistic for one moment. We could make it work, Remus, I don't care about any of those things! I just want to be with you!" Tonks cried passionately.

"It wouldn't work," he replied simply, his voice filled with regret and his eyes not meeting hers.

"It would! We could make it work!" Tonks protested, submerging her head once more in her arms, muttering all the while. "It would work. It would, it would, it would..."

Remus removed his hand from her shoulder and stared guiltily at the floor, waiting for her moans to stop. He had to stop acting like this. He was Remus John Lupin. He was calm and sensible; he didn't lose his head at a girl half his age who had a crazy crush on him. He just couldn't. And he had to stop whatever he was doing to make her fancy him.

Although Remus had tackled many situations in his 30 or so years on earth, he had only ever tackled love once before. A long time ago, when he was still at Hogwarts, a head strong, clever young woman had told him she loved him. And he had loved her, or so he thought. They dated for a while, before the woman had dated someone else, eventually marrying that man.

The only love Remus had ever experienced had ended in bitter tears and wasted years. He wasn't going to put himself through that again, and he certainly wouldn't put Tonks through that. He sighed.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. It was all he could think of to say in comfort.

Tonks looked up, frowning, she had turned her hair from her usual bright pink to a deep shade of black, almost purple, her eyes mimicking the colour.

"What for?" she asked.

"For leading you on the way I obviously have. It will not happen again."

Tonks stared at him for a moment. Then she sniffed and a great sob wracked her whole body and she started to weep passionately.

Remus rested his hand once more on her shoulder for a moment before standing and going to leave. It was better that he left her now.

"Wait!" Tonks cried, desperately.

Remus turned back, cursing himself silently.

"Do you love me?" Tonks asked, softly yet curiously.

Remus could only stare.

Did he love her? Could he answer and live with himself if he told the truth? Could he live with himself if he didn’t? His eyes scanned her face searching for the laughter of a secret joke in her eyes. He could find nothing.

"Why do you want to know, Tonks? Would it change anything?" he asked, skilfully evading the question until he could think of a decent answer.

"No, of course not. Mainly because you're a stubborn idiot and wouldn't change your mind, even if you did love me. But it would be nice to know if my feelings were returned, or not," she said, her eyes and whole face set in determination, silently demanding an answer.

Remus just stood there, his eyes still searching her face.

"I love you," Tonks told him, eventually. And her eyes told the same story.

Remus felt his eyes pricking with tears. He hadn't cried for years, yet three little words were bringing such a huge rush of emotion that it had to escape somehow.

"Do you love me?" Tonks persisted.

Remus took a step back and prepared to Apparate.

"Yes," he whispered.

And then, with a sharp pop, he was gone.

Tonks fell back on her bed, changing her hair and eyes back to the way they were, a grin so wide it felt like it stretched from ear to ear. He loved her! Remus Lupin loved her! She was so happy! He loved her!!

Then, with a pang, she realised that he had refused to be with her. It didn't matter that they loved each other; he didn't want to 'endanger' her by being with her.

Tonks rolled over and closed her eyes, she swiftly fell asleep, the exertions of that morning had made her exhausted. But she didn't sleep well, for her dreams were filled with destroyed hopes, despair and anguish.

*

The next few months passed awkwardly for both Remus and Tonks, avoiding each other as much as possible. The death of her cousin and Remus' dear friend, Sirius Black, came hard upon both of them so they sought comfort in each other for a while.

The short time after that was filled with silence and grief, but they all brightened up as much as possible to meet Harry at King's Cross.

A week or so later, Tonks bumped into Remus at Hogsmeade. They agreed to meet up for a Butterbeer in the Leaky Cauldron that afternoon.

Remus arrived first and ordered them both drinks as Tonks came stumbling in. They sat down and sat in a slightly uncomfortable silence for a few moments.

"Remus, please, I really do love you, why could we not at least try a relationship?" Tonks suddenly burst out, as if their conversation a few weeks ago had never finished.

"Tonks, please, stop it. I told you before and I'll tell you again until I get it through to you. I'm too old, too poor and far too dangerous for you. I have no job so therefore no income and would not be able to support a free spirit, such as yourself. I'm sorry, Tonks, but that's the way it is. Now, if you'll excuse me," he lectured, draining his bottle and standing to leave, "I should be getting home, I have a book I'd like to finish."

He nodded to her and did his normal farewell salute before dropping a few sickles on the table and turning to leave.

Tonks was left sitting alone, her half-empty bottle of Butterbeer forgotten about, her hair a plain, mousy brown.

She groaned and banged her head on the wall a total of three times in despair.

Tonks was not coping well with Remus' rejection. She permanently walked around with her hair a mousy brown. It was lank and greasy where she hadn't bothered to wash it. What was the point if he wasn't around to see it?
Besides, it wasn't as if her job required her to look perfect, or even remotely pretty. Running around keeping an eye on the deaths that she couldn't stop. There wasn't a point.
During the day, she tried to appear cheerful, but usually just came across as weary and distracted. Mrs Weasley and her delicious cooking was one way of helping her, but how long would that last? Eventually, even the most patient of people would grow bored and tired of her constant despair.
However, it wasn't until the beginning of September that she realised just how bad she was.
Dumbledore had given her the job of stationing at Hogsmeade and making sure all the students, especially Harry got off the train and into Hogwarts without any major ado. Especially Harry. Did I mention that Harry was the prime reason she was there?
She took her post and tried to look casual, although she couldn't stop the occasional sigh and muffled sob.
Hermione proclaimed that her downward attitude was due to blaming herself for Sirius' death. That was partly true, she did, if she hadn't been so weak, that bloody Lestrange woman wouldn't have been able to kill him.
It wasn't just that, though. Remus loved her, but couldn't love her. It didn't make sense. If they both loved each other, surely nothing else mattered? He didn't seem to think so. He avoided her, even ignored her, it drove her crazy! Why could he not just love her? Who cared how much he could hurt or damage her? She didn't care!
Her thoughts were somewhat disturbed by the arrival of the Hogwarts Express. She stood up straight and tried to smile at the students. Some of the first years didn't come up to her waist. She had never been that short, she was sure.
However, it wasn't until all the children had left the train when she realised Harry wasn't among them. She had idly watched Ron and Hermione dismount and wander towards the carriages looking vaguely concerned and thought nothing of it.
Then the realisation hit her and she dashed through the crowds and leapt onto the train before it could leave. She thoroughly searched every single carriage twice over until she remembered that he had the invisibility cloak. Damn her forgetfulness! It was no wonder Remus didn’t like her.
She strode through the train once again, searching for any sign of misplacement, and eventually spotted the tip of a faded white trainer showing.
She stepped in, lifted the material and found a bloodied and scared young boy lying beneath, obviously under the full body bind.
"Wotcher, Harry, you alright there, mate?" she greeted him as cheerfully as she could manage as she repaired his broken nose, cleaned him up a bit and helped him to his feet.
"Thanks, Tonks, Malfoy hexed me!" he exclaimed.
She managed a smile.
"I guessed. We'd better get up to the school, you'll be missed."
Harry nodded and they jumped off the train.
On the way up to the school, they bumped into Snape. Tonks had never particularly liked him and, especially now, didn't wish to speak to him.
"Ah, Mister Potter! How nice of His Highness to bother coming to school. I'll take it from here, Nymphadora," he smirked.
Tonks winced at the mention of her first name, but nodded. She was too tired to insist on escorting Harry all the way up to the school.
"Alright, I'll just let Dumbledore know I've got him," she submitted and sent her Patronus up to meet him.
She almost gasped in shock when she saw that her Patronus had changed. She hadn't needed to use it in a while. It had transformed into a werewolf. She glanced nervously at her companions, silently hoping they hadn't noticed.
Harry was frowning slightly and Snape's lip had curled into a sarcastic smile. Damnit! They had...
"You do realise, Nymphadora, that your new Patronus seems a little, well, pathetic?" Snape hissed, before sweeping off like the overgrown bat he was.
"Thanks, Tonks, I'll see you around," Harry grinned, before rushing off after the Professor.
Tonks was left, seething with anger, watching the retreating backs of the git and the boy.
*
Over the next few months, Tonks suspiciously took every single job that required her to be in or near Hogwarts. She was caught several times by teachers or students and stupidly told them she was looking for Dumbledore. When she was lucky, they didn't realise that he wasn't around much anymore.
Secretly, she hoped she would bump into Remus, just so they could be alone for a few moments. However, whenever she spotted anyone who looked even remotely like him, she ducked behind the nearest wall, suit of armour or first year student.
All of these resulted in weird looks as most of the walls were actually doors in disguise, the suits of armours where eerily realistic and the students were mostly half her size.
She kept this obsessive castle searching up of most of the year, eventually retreating when she was needed more urgently elsewhere.
The only time she really got to see him was when the Death Eaters stormed the castle. And that wasn't exactly time for a cosy chat about romance.
They fought, as hard as they could, but it was hopeless. There weren't enough of the Order. They did their best though, and came away with no good lives lost. Except one.
Gathered in the Hospital Wing, Harry relayed everything leading up to and everything that happened after Dumbledore's death. Tonks was distraught. Remus completely lost it, sinking into a chair, covering his face with his hands and muttering under his breath. It broke Tonks' heart.
The thing that made her snap, however, was the least likely thing she would ever expect. Whilst she had been watching Remus cry, Mrs Weasley and Fleur had been having a small argument. Fleur suddenly shrieked:
"So, you zink I can't love 'im anymore? Is zat it? You zink zat because he is a werewolf, I cannot love 'im? You crazy woman! Of course I still love 'im! I am beautiful enough to make up for 'is sweet misshapen face!"
Tonks stared, something inside her stirring. Something she hadn't felt for a long time. It was hope.
Suddenly she knew what to do. Remus had just stood, so she dashed over to him, grabbing the lapels of his shabby jacket.
"You see! I told you! She doesn't care! She doesn't care! They still love each other! Why won't you listen?" she cried.
Remus frowned and turned his head away from her to study the floor.
"The situations are completely different, there's a big chance Bill won't ever become a fully-fledged werewolf, he could-"
"No! Shut up and just listen! They are in the same situation, and they don't care, they still love each other!"
Remus' head snapped up and his brown eyes locked with hers.
"Tonks, you deserve someone younger than me, someone younger and... whole...someone younger and whole," he said softly whilst gently prising her hands away from his chest.
Tonks was distraught; he still wouldn't listen and understand? The idiot! Then, the uncomfortable silence was broken.
"Now, now, Remus, younger men don't stay young, and most of them can't stay whole," Mrs Weasley told him, gesturing sadly and Bill.
Tonks smiled at her. At least someone was on her side. Throughout everything, Mrs Weasley had been there for her, comforting her and cursing Remus every step of the way.
But Remus didn't listen, and they sat in silence for the remainder of their time in the Hospital Wing.
*
Mrs Weasley, Fleur, Tonks and Remus all left together. Remus was slumping behind, his shoulders tense and his face in a sad frown. Tonks deliberately walked slower to keep in pace with him, she was also hoping to catch him and speak to him in private.
Her moment arrived when Mrs Weasley 'twisted her ankle'. Fleur stopped to exclaim how annoying twisted ankles were.
Tonks also stooped to help, but Mrs Weasley gave her a stern and meaningful glance and nodded in the direction of a concerned looking Remus.
Tonks frowned, confused, then realised what Mrs Weasley meant. She turned to Remus, a determined look on her face.
"Remus, if you're not too busy doing nothing, I'd like to ask you something," Tonks said.
He sighed; brows knitted and eventually controlled his emotions enough to look quizzical.
"I need chocolate," Tonks replied, slightly more brightly than usual.
Everyone stopped fussing and stared in alarm.
"Well, zat moment of opportunity 'as gone!" Fleur cried, flapping her arms in exasperation.
Mrs Weasley sighed, sidled over to Tonks and shoved her in the general direction of Remus. Being the gentleman he was, Remus automatically ran to catch her, whilst Mrs Weasley and Fleur ran to Apparate, despite Mrs Weasley's 'twisted ankle'.
"Are you ok?" Remus asked, placing Tonks back on her feet.
She shrugged.
"Not really."
"Look, Tonks, I'm sorry the way I've been treating you, but it's really not possible to be together," Remus explained.
She looked up at him.
"But you said you loved me," she whispered.
Remus' head snapped up and, once again, their eyes locked.
"When did I say that?" he asked, his face more pale and his lips whiter than usual.
"That evening in my room, you said it just before you Apparated, I bet you think I didn't see it, but I did!" she cried, smiling triumphantly.
Remus stared at her sadly. She was so upset, it was getting to her head, it was crazy. He had only seen a glint like the one in her eye once before. The night he was reunited with Sirius. That manic, inhumane smile, the wild eyes and tousled hair. Remus was actually scared.
"Tonks, please, this will not work, it cannot work! It defies all logical explanations, a girl in her early twenties and a werewolf? It's unheard of! Please, I am begging you to stop, before it's too late," he pleaded.
"But I don't care! Why can't you see that, you idiot? I DON'T CARE! I DON'T CARE THAT YOU'RE POOR, OR DANGEROUS OR WHATEVER! YOU'VE TOLD ME THAT A MILLION TIMES! I'M NOT A KID, FOR GOD'S SAKE! I'M TWENTY-FOUR YEARS OLD!" she screamed, suddenly letting out all the anger and frustration she had stored over the past year.
Remus looked as sturdy as ever, staring at his shoes with mild interest. After a few awkward seconds of silence, he sighed, shoved his hands in his shabby pockets and looked Tonks straight in the eye.
"I'm not trying to treat you as a baby, Tonks, and I offer my humblest apologies if you feel patronized by me, but this is exactly what I mean. I would end up treating you like a child, and you treating me as a father. I will say it again; we will not work," he told her, staring her down, something which made him feel extremely uncomfortable.
Eventually, he broke the gaze and started to stride off, hands still in his pockets, as usual a picture of depression and shabbiness.
"But you love me," Tonks stated, almost inaudibly.
He had heard though.
Remus stopped walking, and turned slowly. His expression had completely changed as if he had transformed into a different, less self-conscious man. He strode back towards Tonks, a fresh determination lining every shadow of his face.
As he grew closer, she noticed a fiery determination in his usually soft eyes.
When he reached her, he grasped her by the shoulders and pulled her into a passionate kiss. Tonks was so stunned, she couldn't move. Remus also seemed shocked and appalled at himself.
It could have been, minutes, days, months, years or a lifetime before they broke away.
"You're right," Remus said, simply, "I do love you. I always have done, ever since you tripped over that damn troll's leg umbrella stand."
The realisation of what he had said finally sunk in. Tonks' face split into a massive grin, ruined slightly by the scrunching up of her nose to transform her hair into the usual bubblegum pink.
When she had finished, she threw her arms around Remus and sobbed heartily on his shoulder, out of joy, relief and many other emotions she had yet to identify.
Remus wrapped his arms around her waist and held her close, savouring the fact that they were finally together.
The moment was somewhat ruined by a flock of owls flying overhead, the, ah, 'results' of their dinners landing on and around the lovers.
Whilst Tonks squealed, Remus laughed and said:
"Well, you know, bird poo is supposed to be lucky."
For this, he earned a rather unjustified punch from Tonks.
*
Dumbledore's funeral was held a few days later. Tonks and Remus dressed respectfully in black, clasping hands as they walked towards the seats that had been set up.
Although a sad day, there was a fresh hope and new love in the air.
And, after all, love is the only true thing one needs to survive.

Dear Diary,

Remus has been moody and secretive for a long time. According to Molly, this means he's either about the break up with me or propose. I can only hope it's the latter!

He's been sneaking around a lot, too, I couldn't help thinking he was having an affair. I confronted him about this and he told me not to be silly, he loved me with all his heart and, besides, what woman would love him?

Anyway, we've planned to go out for dinner tomorrow night, on our third year anniversary and I can't help but hope he'll propose! Me, a bride! Of course, I'll have to do something about my hair; bright pink doesn't go down well at weddings.

Maybe I'll go for black? Ah well, I'll sort it out nearer the time.

Oh, Remus has just finished making lunch, I better go!

*

The dinner was perfect. In a secluded corner of the restaurant, well-cooked food and a delicious dessert with a free bottle of wine as it was their anniversary. Remus hadn't remembered that though, he was too nervous about the proposition he was about to make.

He got down on one knee and Tonks' face lit up. He couldn't believe what he was doing. How could he throw his life away like this? All for the safety of one beautiful woman.

"Tonks...?" he said breathlessly.

"Yes?" she breathed, her eyes shimmering with happiness.

"Er...I have something to, not exactly ask, but insist that you do - for me," he told her, trying to keep a straight face - he couldn't cry, not in front of all these people.

Not in front of her.

He took her hand in his and savoured the moment. Music was playing softly from another corner of the restaurant, people were chatting and laughing all around them. The soft clinking of cutlery on plates and the nearness of her was making him dizzy. He couldn't do this; he couldn't destroy her like this. But he had to, it was best for both of them.

"Tonks, we can't do this anymore," he whispered.

She stared at him, shock lining her heart-shaped face. Then she averted his gaze, swallowed and attempted a watery smile.

"I know, but I was...I dunno, I was just hoping that you were going to propose," she said softly, still avoiding his eyes.

"Listen, Tonks, I do love you, more than you can ever know but I am not putting you in risk by marrying you. It's until death do us part, remember? I don't want death to rear its ugly head too soon."

He had expected Tonks to argue, to complain, to try to persuade him that it wasn't true. It seemed she had matured over the past three years they had spent together. Maybe she simply couldn't bring herself to argue.

"Tonks...?"

"It's alright, Remus, I understand. After tonight, you'll never have to see me again, I'll leave your life forever. I promise," she said, standing and bringing Remus with her.

She leant forward and kissed him lightly on his pale cheek and smiled softly, before collecting her coat and stepping out into the lightly snowing night. Remus was left, alone, not yet believing he had just rejected the best thing that ever happened to him.

He hadn't wanted her to leave forever. He had wanted them to continue with a friendship of sorts. He shook his head.

That wouldn't have been possible, he could see that now. He either could be with her forever or never be with her again.

Remus pulled a handful of notes out of his pocket, flung them down on the table and strode out into the night.


And now I'm all alone again,
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to,
Without a home, without a friend, without a face to say hello to,
And now the night is near, now I can make believe she's here.


The snow slowly turned to sleet and then to rain as Remus walked along the street, but he didn't stop and run for shelter like those around him, he continued.

Eventually, his journey took him to the park, to his favourite spot - the bench by the duck pond. He remembered the hundreds of times he and Tonks had gone there together, on picnics, out of pure randomness, in the evenings. One prominent memory was of him and Tonks dancing crazily to soundless music, ending up in the pond, still laughing.

The thought of her that night brought him back to earth and he realised what he had done was terribly wrong. But she had accepted it, hadn't she? So surely it must be right, in a way.

He watched the ducks, remembering Tonks' babbled explanations that ducks were really pointless. He realised that tears were pouring down his cheeks.

Many people strode past, newspapers or briefcases over their heads or supporting large umbrellas. Nobody stopped to ask Remus if he was alright, or if he needed any help. Then he realised that in the rain, nobody could see him cry. Why would care for a werewolf with a broken heart, anyway?

He stood up suddenly, making the world spin, and blundered in the general direction of his house.


Sometimes I walk alone at night,
When everybody else is sleeping,
I think of her, and then I'm happy with the company I'm keeping,
The city goes to bed, and I can live inside my head.


He froze as he saw the gate leading up to his house. A robed figure was standing there. A robed figure with bright pink hair.

Remus fell forward, pulling the girl into a tight hug, mumbling over and over how sorry he was and kissing her sweet face.

The woman pulled away, staring at him with wide green eyes. Wait a second, Tonks' eyes had never been green. The woman shoved a magazine into his hand before running off.

It was only then that Remus noticed that her hair was a dyed pink and she was wearing rags, not robes. She was a beggar woman, selling magazines for money.

Remus dropped the soggy magazine to the floor and sunk down onto the pavement, too tired to cry. He looked around him. The rain and his tear stained, blurry vision was making the pavement shine a beautiful glittery colour. He marvelled at the beauty of the world. A beauty he never belonged to and never could.


In the rain, the pavement shines like silver,
All the lights, are misty in the river,
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight,
And all I see is her and me forever and forever.


He looked up suddenly, like an invisible force was pulling him, he stood. In front of him stood his bride, Tonks.

Beautiful with pitch black hair, shocking blue eyes and she was wearing a wedding dress.

He knew he was hallucinating, but he didn't care. As long as he could be with Tonks, he didn't care.

Remus smiled dopily and looked down at himself, he was wearing a tuxedo. He realised that this was their wedding, they were married and it was time for them to dance. He had always been a good dancer.

He grasped her hand with one of his and placed the other on her hip. And they danced. Tonks looked truly radiant, her smile illuminating her heart shaped face. And Remus felt happier, happier than he had ever done in his life. If there was a heaven, this was it.

The invisible music stopped and Remus leaned forward to kiss her. She vanished. Remus was left alone, in his shabby dinner suit, holding thin air.

"What am I doing?" he asked himself.

He was going crazy. He had been without her for less than an hour and already he was going insane. He had to get rid of her, purge himself of the happiness somehow haunting his past.

Remus rushed inside and dragged everything he could find that reminded him of her. It wasn't hard, seeing as she had lived there for two years.

He then dropped them on the middle of their bed and dragged some old cardboard boxes out from the garage. Scooping Tonks’ belongings into his arms, he pushed them off the bed and into the boxes before pulling the brimming cardboard into his lounge.


And I know, it's only in my mind,
That I'm talking to myself, and not to her,
And although, I know that she is kind,
Still I say, there's no way for us.


Remus stood, suitably worn out and surrounded only by his memories. He looked around him. There was hardly anything left. His shabby sofa still stood, as did his Muggle electronics. The usually adorned walls, however, were bare and the only shelves and cupboards containing anything were where his books were.

Everything reminded him of her. Her cheery "Wotcher, Remus!", her bright smile, the way she kissed him whenever she saw him, how perfect their lives were together.

But something had not been right. They received weird looks whenever they held hands in public, because of the age difference. Tonks had wanted children, he did too, but deep down he had known that was never going to be possible. It just wouldn't be fair, he was so much older and wouldn't be there to see them grow up.

Besides, he was a werewolf. Who knew what hereditary disease he could stain his children’s blood with?

It was then that he finally broke down completely, falling to the floor, his hands cupping his aching head, rocking backwards and forwards over and over and over again, as if he could numb the eternal pain by doing so.


I love her,
But when the night is over, she is gone,
The river's just a river,
Without her, the world around me changes,
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers.


His very memories of her were poisoned. Instead of the hopeful youngish couple they had been, he saw himself as a wrinkled old man, her as a mere child, bubbly and bright and laughing mockingly as he struggled to join in with her fun.

Remus then knew that they had never been as perfect as they had believed. They had never been truly in love, he had seen how she glanced casually at men her age, and he was sure she had caught him comparing her to women like him. Maybe true love was simply impossible.

He also knew that his grief and endless remorse was stopping him from seeing the way they had truly been, the way they had always believed themselves to be. He didn't care though; he just wanted the pain to stop! All this numbness and sadness had to stop, had to end. He had to make it stop!

And how could she have just left him? How had she been so easily persuaded? The Tonks he knew had been bright and determined, so full of pride, she would never have given into something she believed so strongly in. Maybe she didn't love him as much as she proclaimed. Maybe she had been seeing somebody else.

He had to make it stop! She was fine without him, she always would be, he had to be as strong. He had to!


I love her,
But everyday I'm learning,
All my life, I've only been pretending!
Without me, her world will go on turning,
A world that's full of happiness that I can never know!


Rejuvenated by his thoughts, Remus dragged himself to his feet and into his bedroom. He sat on their bed, breathing heavily and trying to calm himself. He was the collected, serious, never unnerved Remus John Lupin, he had to stick to his reputation. It was the only way he was going to survive.

He flipped his shoes off and swung himself fully onto the bed. It was only then that he noticed a beautifully intricate card. Remus grabbed it and yanked it open.

"Dearest, darling Remus,

I put a spell on this card to make it appear on your side of the bed on our third anniversary, so I didn't forget! Hopefully, we're snuggled up in bed together and this has just landed on your face, woken you and made you yell in surprise!

I bet I'll be laughing hysterically as you read this. Well, Happy Anniversary, my dear Remus, I just want you to know that I love you more than the world, always have done and always will do.

All my love,
Tonks xxx"

Remus yelled in pain. How could the world play such a cruel trick on him? How could fate cause this to appear, tonight of all nights? After all that had happened!

He sobbed harder, ripping the card once, twice, thrice, before throwing it to the floor.

Remus pulled himself fully into the bed and yanked the duvet over his head, hiding away from the world. Hiding away from her. Forever.


I love her, I love her, I love her,
But only on my own...



*


Epilogue


Later that year, Tonks flew to France, where she discarded her wand and began a new life away from Remus as a Muggle writer.

Remus never awoke from his desperate slumber the night of their separation. It was discovered that he died quickly and painlessly in his sleep. He was distraught and his death that night, rumoured to be of heartbreak, was the easiest way for him to go.

Twenty years later, Tonks found an album of her and Remus and, not knowing he was dead, decided to seek him out. She was killed when her plane from France to Scotland was struck by an incredibly strong storm and was brought down into the sea.

It is hoped that the lovers found peace and harmony and a way they could finally be together in another world, better than the one they left years too soon.