Chapter One



I had always yearned for that unrestrained, consuming love that you imagined and dreamed about when you were young. But as I grew, my idea of Prince Charming grew as well, and I wished he were real as opposed to just a figment of my imagination. It was hard watching my best friend fall into the type of love that I so desperately wanted, but I was happy for her, just as good friend should have been.



I had been through quite a few boyfriends, and as easy as it was for me to acquire them, it was just as easy for me to let them go. After a few weeks, they all went bad, and the funny thing is, I couldn’t tell you why. They were always nice, always considerate, but it always felt wrong. It seemed that even as badly as I wanted that amazing love, I was scared to death of it. I was scared my heart would be shattered to pieces, just as my mother’s had when my father left. I was scared that I would love him more than he loved me, so I intentionally put up a barrier around my heart.



All of this was true up until my seventh year. Something about him had changed. It had been slow, gradual. His infatuation began when I rejected him for the first time last year, and it slowly waned, but it never died. He hadn’t asked me out, or said that I must’ve been miserable all summer because I wasn’t ‘graced with his presence.’ James Potter had always been enamoured with the idea of having me as a girlfriend, but I always turned him down for some reason. Maybe it was that I didn’t approve of boys who hung their classmates by the ankle for fun, or boys who handed out those charming smiles as if they had no meaning, or boys who strutted about school as if they owned it. But, on the contrary, I knew that deep down I was so completely attracted to him and his wire-rimmed glasses that I was afraid of what could happen to me. What if I liked him more than he ever cared for me; what if I was no more than a mere challenge?



That was completely plausible to me. I believed that the only reason James ever asked me out at least twice a week was because I never once fell for his charm or good looks. Our conversations were always short and strained, unless his pompous attitude got the best of me and I happened to lose my head ever so slightly. The way he joked, the way he got top grades, the way he was so dreadfully loyal, made me want to punch him with all my might, yet I always refrained.



It was so easy for me to use his confidence against him, though. It was so easy to act as if he were the most foul muck I could ever obtain on my shoes, and yet I was secretly so in love with him that I didn’t know how much longer I would be able to restrain myself. The way teachers were so drawn to his insouciant abilities, even when he never once paid attention during classes. The way he and Sirius pulled harmless pranks that made me laugh, even though I could never show it. The way he never gave up once, even when I called him a bullying toe-rag.



It was hard to believe that I, who would date boys just for the sake of proving myself that I wasn’t scared, was falling hard and fast for the notorious heartbreaker.


It began when I walked into the Prefect meeting on the Hogwarts Express and was overwhelmed by the idea that James would be working with me as Head Boy. Maybe it would give me a chance to actually get to know the boy that so enthralled me.


*


“Evans,” James Potter said as we walked towards Dumbledore’s office. This was, surprisingly, the first thing James had said to me all day. We had lead the Prefect’s meeting and introduction and he hadn’t so much as glanced at me. The Opening Feast also went without any encounters, but it was inevitable that we would run into each other once Dumbledore announced that the Head Boy and Girl would be having a meeting with him after the Feast.



“Hello, James,” I replied coolly as we turned a corner and a stone gargoyle appeared in front of us. James stepped forward and said, “Cockroach Clusters.” The gargoyle immediately sprang to the left as a rotating staircase materialized. James stepped back and motioned for me to precede him. I smiled to myself as I stepped in front of James.



The climb was slow and methodical; James ascended the stairs only one step behind me, and I could feel the faint heat of his breath on the back of my neck. When we made it to the top, James once again stepped in front of me and knocked on the door.



“I could have done that myself, Potter,” the steam rising in my neck. He glanced down at me and flashed me that grin I had seen so many times, and then we heard Dumbledore invite us into his office. This was the reason I couldn’t stand him - his assumption that he was the best at everything.



Dumbledore was standing beside a window overlooking the grounds when we entered. Without looking at us he said, “Please, take a seat.”



We immediately did as we were told and sat in two seats facing his desk. “You are probably surprised by my choice of Head Boy,” he paused and looked directly at me. “But, I am sure I have made the correct decision.” He paused again, and walked over to his desk. I glanced at James, and it seemed as if the last statement hadn’t fazed him. He looked at Dumbledore with lazy eyes and the Headmaster continued.



“Your duties are as follows: you will lead Prefect meetings, you will keep order and security among students, and you will set the prime example.” This time he looked directly at James with a burning stare. “You will follow the rules. No wandering the grounds late at night, no midnight trips to the Forbidden Forest, and absolutely no use of magic outside of the classrooms. The responsibility of your position is immense; every underclassman is looking up to you for answers.”



Dumbledore took a seat behind his desk and clasped his hands in front of him. “There are many dark times ahead, and it will be in your best interest to stay close to the ones who matter,” he said as he glanced back and forth between me and James. A faint smile appeared on his lips as his eyes continued to jump back and for the between us.



“Now, on a much lighter note, your first Prefect meeting will be held next Wednesday. Off you go.”



*



We walked in silence to the Gryffindor Common Room. When we reached the portrait of the Fat Lady, I realized that I had never been told the password.



“I don’t think we--” I began to say to James, but once again he stepped in front of me and said the password.



“Brambles,” he said with that same grin as I stood with my head swimming, trying to keep my composure. We stepped inside the common room together, and split once James had located the rest of his friends.



I walked carelessly up to my dormitory, and found that it was empty. As I was rummaging through my trunk to find my quill and some parchment so I could write to my mum, I came across a picture of me, my mum, my dad, and my sister from four Christmases ago-- the last Christmas we had all spent together.



My dad left while I was at Hogwarts during the second term of my third year. My mum never told me why he left, but she was devastated when it happened. I was at a loss as to the cause as well. When I was younger I never remember them fighting; they always seemed so happy to me, and so in love.



Forgetting about my original mission, I stared at the picture. It was the only photograph that I kept with me always. The corners were folded and the edges faded, but that did not affect the real picture, the emotions that were buried deep inside of it.



*


As I walked down the stairs, I ran into my best friend, Anna. She was a simple girl with dark blonde hair and plain features.



“Oh, hi Lily, I was just running up here to grab a book that Remus asked me about, I’ll be back down in a minute!” she said quickly before she continued on. Laughing at my friend’s utter devotion to books, I started back on my path to the Common Room to find James. He was sitting around the fire with his three best friends.



I walked carefully over to them and stood next to his chair for a moment before I said, “James, you know I was thinking we should post a schedule for the Prefect meetings.”


They all looked at me until he turned his head to face me and after a few moments he said, “Already thinking about that, Evans? It’s only the first night back!” His friends smirked and continued on with their game of Exploding Snap.



“Well, yes, I thought it would be courteous to let the Prefects know ahead of time when they would be having meetings, so why not start now?” I said to counter his snooty remark.



He grinned at me, and I did everything I could to keep my knees from letting out on me. “When is it that you want to have them, then?” I asked.



He stared at the wall for a moment before answering, “Dumbledore said we would have one next Wednesday, so why not have them the first Wednesday of every month?”


“Oh, alright, yes that’s good. I’ll go make a notice right now.”



I went back up to my dormitory to find Anna throwing things haphazardly out of her trunk. “Misplace something?” I asked sarcastically.



“Oh goodness! I can’t find this book on enchanted creatures that Remus seemed so interested in! I must’ve left it at my house,” she moaned as she flopped down onto her four-poster, arms and legs splayed out.



I grabbed the piece of parchment that I had originally intended to write a letter to my mum with and picked up my quill. As I was carefully writing the notice, I realized I had hardly asked Anna about her holidays… or about anything for that matter.



When I looked up she was lying on her bed grumbling into her hands. “How were your holidays?” I asked.



“Beyy berrr imm,” she mumbled before she threw her hands off her face. “Bugger! They were fine. My parents dragged me off to Germany of all places, said it was very historical. Well, we spent a while there, and the rest was spent at home with Sam, Ricky, and William. Enough about me, how about you?”



I laughed at my friend’s succinct recapitulation of her summer term as I answered, “You know, Petunia was horrible, Mum was great, and I saw Dad a couple of times. I didn’t travel anywhere, though, rather boring.”



I finished my notice and blew on the ink for a bit as we lapsed into silence. “Well, how’s Michael?” I asked rather lamely.




“Oh, he’s all right, you know, just Michael. I didn’t see him much on the train, or at the feast, come to think of it.” She didn’t blush, nor look abashed. She didn’t even get jittery. It was as if she wasn’t the least bit excited to talk about Michael, which was very odd.



Sensing our conversation had ended there, I stood up to go put the schedule on the bulletin board. When I had returned to my room, Anna was lying on her bed reading a book. Surprising. I changed into my nightgown before climbing into my bed.


As I lay in my bed, thoughts of my last remaining year at Hogwarts invaded my head. I wonder how this year will turn out. So many things are already different �“ James is being remotely polite, and Anna isn’t dancing for Michael at all, which is odd since her relationship was something she brought up at least one time every ten minutes. And what exactly did Dumbledore mean by saying to stay close to the ones who matter? What could be happening that is so terrible? Well, that obviously means I need to stay close to
Anna and-- James? No--



*


When I woke up the next morning, I found that I was the first one out of bed. I quietly put on my robes, grabbed my books, and walked out of my dormitory. When I got to the Great Hall for breakfast, I found James sitting alone. I walked over to sit on the opposite side of the table out of sheer habit, but before I reached my destination, I had an inexplicable urge to go sit next to him. After one very hesitant step in his direction, my feet stopped and I turned to sit down, away from James.


I picked up a biscuit and began to nibble on it when Anna sat down next to me.


“Have you gotten our timetables yet? I’m not really looking forward to seeing them. It just confirms the fact that we have the take N.E.W.T.s this year,” Anna grumbled, eyes darting around the room, as she starting ripping a biscuit apart.


I smiled to myself. It was quite commonly known that Anna’s parents were rather hard on her, but she rarely applied herself, so they had probable cause. She loved to read, just not in areas that were necessary to her studies. “No, McGonagall hasn’t come by with ours yet. Oh, look, there she is!”



Professor McGonagall, a tight-lipped, stern teacher, was handing James his schedule. She quickly moved down the table, handing out the pieces of parchment with the classes on them, until she reached us. “Here are your timetables, girls. I will be seeing you this afternoon.”



I looked down at my schedule, as did Anna. “Ohh,” Anna moaned as she threw her face into her hands, “Potions is first.”



“Just get through this year, then we’re done with all of it,” I said to the back of her hands as I stuffed my schedule into my bag. “We might as well get going-- got Slughorn first.”



When we arrived in the Potions room, Anna and I took two seats in the front. As it got closer to the start of the class, people filled in around us. Anna, Remus, Sirius, James, myself and about fifteen other students made up our rather large class.



I sat, books ready, waiting for Professor Slughorn to arrive for class. After the class had waited well past the bell, I leaned over to Anna and whispered, “Where do you think he is? At this rate, we won’t have a Potions class at all!”



From two rows behind me, a voice sounded. “Are you really worried about not having a Professor, Evans? Is it the essays you miss, or Professor Slughorn?”


Sirius Black was leaning back in his chair, resting his elbow on the desk behind him. He smirked at me as he Levitated his quill up and down in the air.



To my utter surprise, James elbowed Sirius in the side, causing him to lose his balance and fall backwards onto the ground with a thud. As the entire class laughed at Sirius, I heard James say, “Lay off, Sirius.”



I turned quickly around in my seat and a small smile spread across my lips, if only for a moment.

It’s never really been about the feeling of love to me �“ it’s been more about the word, one could say. With my family, it had always been about the feeling. I mean, with so many of us, how could it not be? But as I grew, so did my emotions, and I met a boy. He’s one of those perfect ones you see walking down the corridor and lust after, if only for a moment. Somehow, through some crazy confusion of identities, he became mine.

Michael Buford loves me, he says, and I love him back, I say. He’s been mine and I’ve been his for almost two years, ever since James started to dote upon Lily as he does. He’s wonderful, really, but he doesn’t fill me in the way that perfect boy should. The type I’m chasing after is the one I can use the tiny preposition with. In love.

That two letter word, when preceding love has always been the part that scared me the most. What if I fall and he doesn’t catch me?

I feel something will change soon, and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because this is my final year at Hogwarts, a place that has been my sanctuary for all my adolescent and growing years.

Maybe it’s that I really am looking for that preposition, however much it frightens me.

*

Lily sat across the table from me. The air in the large room was still and the light was dim.

“What exactly are we looking for, again?” I asked as she set down a pile of books and dust billowed around them.

“Sicknesses, or diseases, or something that causes the person to be gone once a month,” Lily stated frantically as her eyes darted across a page. Her head was bent low over the book and her foot was tapping uncontrollably on the ground.

“And… why, exactly?”

Lily shot me a look that could have put Sirius Black in his place before returning to the weathered pages of her book. “Because, my friend…” she paused. “Just because.”

I looked at her through squinted eyes. “Oh, it’s all getting clear now.”

Her foot immediately stopped tapping, and she let out a noise surprisingly reminiscent to a hippogriff giving birth before slamming her book shut. She slowly lifted the practically two-ton book and slid it into her bag before standing up with amazing patience. She took a very long time to turn around, and walked to the doors of the library at a snail’s pace before quietly opening and closing the door.

I sighed and picked up the first book in my stack. Common Magical Ailments and Diseases was a very large book, with very thin pages, and very small words. In other words, it was not my type of book. But due to Lily’s utterly odd behaviour, I searched the book of oh-so-small-writing and looked for this mystery ailment that Lily was adamant to find.

Two hours and many dust bunnies later, I had a small list of ailments that required monthly attention. As I trekked up the many flights of stairs to Gryffindor tower in order to find Lily, I ran headlong into a moving body as I was preoccupied with my sloppy handwriting.

“Oh, so sorry,” I mumbled as I bent down to pick up my ‘Secret List’. When I stood up, I was face to face with Remus Lupin. “Hello, you wouldn’t have happened to see Lily around, have you?” I said distractedly as I shoved the List into my robes.

He looked slightly perturbed as he glanced down at my concealed hand. “Er, no. I mean yes.” His eyes shifted up to mine. He smiled a bit lamely before adding, “She was just up in the Common Room.”

“Well, thanks, Remus, I’ll just be off, then.”

*

“Brambles.”

The Fat Lady was in a deep conversation with a dark haired wizard covered in boils. She conveniently did not notice my request. I sat patiently for a moment or two.

“Brambles.”

She chose this particular moment to burst forth in an annoyingly bubbly round of laughter.

“BRAMBLES.”

“Oh my!” She looked at me and swung forward. As I stepped through the hole, I could hear her mumbling to her boily friend, “Children are never taught propriety these days,” before she started again with the bubbly laughter.

Lily was not in the Common Room, so narrowing my search down to the dormitories, I walked up the narrow steps into the Seventh Year dorm. The door creaked as I pushed it open, and I saw Lily’s head snap up from the book she was reading and she stared directly at me.

“Hello,” I stated plainly as I walked with as much gusto as I could muster over to her bed. “I found a bit on different diseases and such that need monthly attention. Have a look.”

I nudged the paper in her direction. It was crumpled around the edges and the last sentence was slightly smeared. Lily looked over it with those cursory eye of hers. Her muscles tensed and eyebrows lowered when she read one of my sentences.

“Anna, this is perfect. Thank you very much,” she murmured vaguely as her eyes glassed over and she stared very hard at her bedpost. I, in turn, glanced at her bedpost as well, but as I had suspected there was nothing out of the ordinary on it.

*

It was Monday of our second week of school, and Lily and I were sitting across from each other at breakfast. Lily was acting quite strange, really. That glassy look that had come about her eyes when I had given her my notes had not left in the two days that had past. She was staring over my right shoulder, and slowly crumbling her crumpet into a pile of crumbs on her plate that was now, really, just a tower of crumbs.

“You’re making a mess, Lil.”

“Mm.” She did not break her stare with the air over my right shoulder.

“I can’t wait for Potions this morning. Maybe Slughorn will actually show up this time.” I attempted moving my shoulder slightly to see if it would distract her. It didn’t.

“Mhmm.”

“I decided that today I’m going to dance in the nude while singing ‘God Rest Ye Merry Hippogriffs’.

“What? Oh, I’m so sorry, Anna, I’ve just been a little distracted lately,” Lily said as she shifted her gaze from the air to her pile of crumbs.

“You could have fooled me!” She shot me another one of those looks. “Alright, alright. Let’s go then. No need to sacrifice our first row seats in Potions.”

As Lily walked absentmindedly in front of me, actually veering off to the left a bit she was so deep in her thoughts, I felt someone’s hand on my back. I turned around and found myself staring directly at a Ravenclaw crest on a set of black school robes. I nervously looked up to see none other than Michael Buford.

“Hello there!” I smiled weakly as I cast a sideways glance at the idle Lily.

Michael was a dark haired, dark skinned boy that loved me. He gave me a swift kiss on the cheek. “I just wanted to see you before I went to class,” he said quickly. “I haven’t been doing enough of that lately,” he added as he was whisked away by his friends. I smiled in his direction for a few moments after he was gone before returning to Lily.

“Honestly, Lily, what has gotten into you? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost! Okay, that’s not that weird. More like you’ve just seen a mummy or a vampire, or a whatsit.” I ended lamely as she followed my voice down the hall to the dungeons. I felt like I had an actual mummy following me around.

*

I heard the door to the loo slam as the water of the damp floor soaked into my robes and began to brush my ankles. No one ever frequented this lavatory due to its infestation by a certain moaning ghost, and apparently that had been Lily’s intention when she told me to meet her here. I leaned into the sink to get a closer look at my face in the mirror. As I was focusing on my rather small hazel eyes, I felt someone behind me. My focus changed to the redhead that was nervously standing over my shoulder.

“You know you cannot, cannot, tell this to anyone, right, Anna?” Lily told, rather than asked, me before muttering an incantation under her breath. The door made an odd squelching noise before going silent once again. She looked back at me with green eyes full of worry and doubt.

“Of course, Lily, who would I tell? My mum?” I allowed a smirk to slide across my face, and the instant it happened I knew it was the wrong reaction. Lily let out a sigh of frustration and stomped her foot exasperatedly on the ground, sending droplets of water flying onto her robes.

She stared hard at me before she began to pace around the small lavatory in circles. “I know you wouldn’t tell anyone, of course. This is just�”no one could find out. I wonder if his mates even know the half of it…” She began muttering to herself more than talking to me as she wore a path into the damp floor.

My eyes followed my distraught friend in circles, as the worry etched in her face grew darker and darker. After my mind had drawn a few worst-case scenarios, Lily abruptly stopped right in front of me, standing no more than two inches from my face.

She took a deep breath before she shot out, “Remus is a werewolf.”

The statement hung in the dank air of the room, the final syllables reverberating off the sodden walls. We stared at each other in amazement, worry, and disbelief. I wondered if her conclusion was final, or if there was any other explanation as to why Remus Lupin mysteriously disappeared once a month.

“Are you sure?” I asked in a hushed tone as my eyes shot back and forth between hers. I crossed my arms, attempting to ward off the shivers that were running though my body.

The same glassy look that had occupied her eyes for the past few days had taken its place once again, “I checked everything. All the days that he has left were full moons, Anna. There’s no other explanation.”

We lapsed into a strained, thoughtful silence. “We should get out of here, Lily. This is not the place to have this conversation.”

Lily nodded her head and walked to the door. After faintly mumbling the counter spell, the door sprang open and we moulded into the stream of students on their way to lunch.

*

For the rest of the day, Lily’s eyes stayed the same. She didn’t acknowledge when someone, spoke to her. The only people who received a response were teachers. On rare occasions, I would receive a faint, “Mhhmm,” but nothing more. I could tell that this revelation was eating the very heart of Lily’s soul. This side of Lily was hardly seen, even when one brought up her sister or Severus Snape. These two relationships were extremely tense for her, but seeing this non-responsive side of her meant only one thing. She cared for Remus’ wellbeing, but I felt as if this mood change was not only due to Remus’ state. It was the affect this event must have had on his friends that was driving Lily into shock.

As we traipsed down the sloping lawns of the Hogwarts grounds toward the greenhouses, Lily announced, “I’m going to say something to James.”

Swinging my bag around so that I could get closer to Lily, I asked, “Are you sure, Lily? What if James doesn’t know yet and you bringing this to his attention does more harm than good?”

Her eyes were squinted and her brow was furrowed when she looked at me. “Those boys have been best friends for six years. There is no doubt in my mind that they already know.”

“So then why would you even tell James that you know? It’s not going to improve Remus’ situation, by any means.”

She halted suddenly, bag swinging forward and hitting me in the small of my back. When I turned around to look at her, she was furious. Her eyebrows were knitted together and a small scowl flashed across her mouth.

“You think I can’t help? Those boys are bullocks at Potions! I’m sure there’s something that I could do to help him, maybe a pain reducer potion or something.” She was waving frantically around with her free arm as the other Gryffindors passed by us, staring at Lily with confused eyes.

“Alright, alright. Let’s just get inside before Professor Sprout sends a Venemous Tentacula on us.” Lily stood her ground before springing forward to fall into step behind me.

The professor gave us a stern gaze as we shuffled into the greenhouse. She had already begun her lecture on the harvesting of Venemous Tentacula, a plant we had been working with since last week. Lily and I stood in tense silence as Professor Sprout finished her lecture, casting sidelong glances at each other.

Donning our dragon hide gloves, Lily and I worked silently and efficiently. Every so often Lily would hiss troubled remarks in my direction, but the air around us remained taut.

A few moments before the end of class, Lily whispered her most troubling remark yet. “We’re going to follow the Marauders out of here, all right? Then you are going to walk up to Remus, discuss the books that you so lovingly obsess over, and I am going to steal James, all right?” Her eyes never moved from the spiky tentacles of the thrashing plant in front of us.

“Lily, I think that James might get the wrong idea about�””

Her voice sharp voice cut across mine. “It’s not as if I’m going to throw him in a broom closet, Anna. I’m just going to, you know, take him somewhere else.”

I lifted my eyes a moment too soon from the plant, allowing it to thrash against my tough gloves, scratching the fabric around my wrist. “Like a broom closet?”

Lily let go of the plant all together, throwing her hands up in the air with exasperation. The plant took this as its moment of freedom, lashing out wildly in Lily’s direction, only to have her dodge it at the last minute. “Where else to you have in mind, Moaning Myrtle’s loo? I don’t think so.” She roughly grabbed hold of the throbbing, red tentacles, bringing the plant to control.

“Do as you wish, Lils, I’m just warning you that James’ head is going to swell to the size of one of Hagrid’s pumpkins if we do this.”

The look of determination was fleetingly replaced by confusion as she thought of what I had just said. She was quiet for the remainder of the class, and when the bell rang she lingered behind. The Marauders were throwing bits of dragon dung compost at each other, while Lily nonchalantly tipped over a bag of Venemous Tentacula seedlings.

“Lily, what are you doing?” I frantically whispered as the boys dropped their smelly weapons and began to move out of the greenhouse. In turn, she hastily scooped to spilled seeds back into the bag, never allowing her eyes to leave the retreating backs of the Marauders.

Standing up, she casually began to follow the boys back to the castle. “I had to make it look like we actually had a reason to stay behind, in case someone noticed, of course.” She looked pointedly at me, and then to Remus. “Go! I’ve got to do this.”

“I can’t believe you. I’m speechless. Well, not really. I could probably go on for hours about how ridiculous you are being, but I won’t.” I held her stare before calling, “Remus! Wait up.”

*

I sat in the common room waiting for her. Lily had executed her plan exactly as she had wished to, and no doubt James’ head was indefinitely swelling. Sitting next to me was Remus, whose nose was shoved into a book discussing magical theory, and who was painfully unaware of any plans being executed at his expense.

He was mumbling under his breath, every so often annunciating a question. As he asked, “So this Hanglefogg bloke was theorizing over how many hippogriffs could be civilized in a small room. Why would anyone ever want to do that…” the portrait swung open to reveal a flustered James, and an angry Lily.

Not even bothering to come over to the couch, Lily walked directly up the stairs, while James joined Remus and me by the fire. He slumped down into an overstuffed chair and rustled his hair.

I hesitated before asking, “So how’d it go?”

James opened his resting eyes and squinted at me. “You know, too?”

Remus had removed his nose from his book, and was now looking between James and me. A flash of worry flew across his face, but as quickly as it appeared, it vanished.

“What do you know?”

When we got on the train in our first year, I noticed her. She tripped over my trunk as I was hauling it off to meet Sirius. I never talked to her much after that, though. I got lost with my friends, worried about which prank was best, or if Snivellus’ nose really had an implant like Sirius said it did. It didn’t, we dared Peter to ask him. She seemed kind enough, I glanced over her in my classes, saw her laughing with her friend Anna in the common room, but I never got to know her. That is, until our fifth year. It wasn’t a definite moment, really, but something within me just snapped.

Ever since that indefinite moment of realization, I have been rather infatuated with her. Not to the point to which Sirius exaggerates it, but this crush I had developed quite a bit. I know Sirius is right when he tells me to lie off, and it’s rather embarrassing when Peter laughs his arse off at me when I get rejected, but I can’t seem to stop. There is some driving force inside of me that pushes me onward, almost as if there are thousands of tiny hands shoving at my back and into Lily. I can’t stop. I simply can’t.

I’ve told myself to let her go, let all my attempts go to waste, but I just can’t. Kind of pathetic, right? Remus thinks it not pathetic. He says it’s romantic. Sirius and Peter think otherwise, and they remind me of it constantly.

I guess you could call it love, but I don’t let Sirius know that. He’d give me hell until the day I die.

He already does, actually, so in the greater scheme of things, it’s irrelevant to hide it from him.

Perhaps.

I’ll think on it.

--

She pushed him roughly into the dark closet on the fifth floor. Buckets clattering, and mops falling, Lily quickly shut the door before muttering a charm.

“What in the name of Merlin, Evans?” James rubbed the side of his head where it had collided with the wall on entry. “After all this time, this is how�””

“I’m not in here to snog you James, unfortunately for you,” she paused considering her options. Looking around, she grabbed a bucket and turned it over to sit on. Plopping down on it, she grabbed James’ elbow and pulled him roughly to the floor.

“Evans, you could be a bit gentler, you know,” he said, ignoring her last statement and grabbing a bucket of his own. As he perched himself upon the plastic seat, his head bent to accommodate his height compared to the low, slanted ceiling. He could feel Lily’s eyes on him, which was a weird sensation, really. He felt like all she ever did was avert her gaze from him, and now she seemed unable to take her eyes off him.

“Right, well why are we here then?” James said, keeping in mind everything Remus had ever taught him about being a gentleman. He cleared his throat, his fist poised in front of his tightly closed mouth. He glanced up to meet Lily’s eyes and saw they were dark with worry; a sight he had not expected to see.

“Potter�”er, James, there’s something I’ve realized�”found out, actually,” she began; her voice tumbled off her tongue in a jittery fashion, as if her tongue was too big for her mouth.

“All right, let’s hear it,” James responded, crossing his arms across his chest.

“James, I�”I don’t know if I should be saying this, or if it’s even my business, really,” Lily said, a noticeable shake having taken residence in her small voice. She paused, looking to him for reassurance.

James felt slightly short of breath, to say the least. Never once had Lily given him the time of day, and here she was asking for his. Her eyes were almost begging him for something�”turned down on the outside corners, and wrinkled simply around the edges.

“You obviously are going to say something anyway, so just get on with it,” James retorted, his voice soft. He couldn’t help but let his guard down when he was around this girl, and apparently she had something important to say. He wanted her to feel comfortable, not like he was an arrogant berk, as she had said so many times. He edged his hand forward off his lap so it dangled dauntingly in the air, but recoiled once he realized that that was definitely not something Remus would see fitting to do in this situation.

She said quickly, after taking a deep breath, “James, I think Remus is a werewolf.”

James clasped his hands tight together as a reflex. He could feel his eyes growing wide at her revelation and a small shiver ran down his spine. She couldn’t possibly have caught on…

Could she?

He could feel his short fingernails digging in the tanned flesh on the back of his hand, but he didn’t let up on the pressure. It seemed to overshadow everything that had just been said, if only for a moment.

“I s-see.” James attempted to keep his voice flat, but failed as worry overtook his control. He relaxed his body, allowing some of the tension to flow from him, but his mind was still sharp. He couldn’t give anything away simply by his posture. But he couldn’t lie to her either. She looked at him expectantly, with her eyebrows cinched in a strange combination of suspicion and worry.

“How do you know that?” he asked quietly. At his minute confirmation, Lily visibly paled. After a few moments, she raised a shaky hand to her mouth and let out an audible gasp.

“Oh, James, how long?” She ignored his question. All of the air seemed to come out of her, giving her a look of a deflated balloon.

“For quite a while,” he replied.

“Well, does he know you know?” she asked, her voice gaining some strength. James looked upon her with weary eyes. He couldn’t bring himself to lie to her, but he also couldn’t bring himself to betray Remus. His head began to ache with worry as the two ultimatums weighed themselves heavily in his mind. Remus or Lily?

He stood up suddenly, casting Lily a glance of regret and said, “I’m sorry,” before he dashed out of the cupboard, letting the door bounce carelessly behind him as he sped away. How could he even have weighed the two? Remus was the obvious answer.

As he made his way up the many flights of stairs to the Gryffindor tower, thoughts raced through his head. Lily knew. Remus could be in trouble. How did Lily know? All that mattered was that she knew. She wouldn’t tell anyone. He trusted her.

He stopped walking. Smacking himself hard on the head, James tried to knock some sense into himself. He let out an angry string of curse words before finally calming down. Letting out a breath on which rode his nerves, he grinned. Lily wouldn’t tell anyone, save for Anna Boothe, but that wouldn’t matter anyway. The only people either of them ever spoke to were each other. As he began to think clearly again, he realized he needed to set things straight with Lily. He had left her hanging on assumptions and short answers, and he couldn’t have that. For Remus’ sake, he needed to talk to Lily again.

“Oi, Prongs! Didn’t know you took up talking to yourself. Scratch that, yes I did because you’ve always been slightly loony.” James turned to see a cross-eyed Sirius who was twirling his fingers around his ears in a mocking fashion.

“Snap out of it, Sirius,” James said, curtly.

Sirius moved his hands to face James in a surrendering pose. “Whoa, Prongsy, I was just messing�””

“This is not the time to mess around,” James said, absently waving his hand at his friend.

“What’s got your knickers in a wad?” Sirius asked, his joking air having completely vanished and replaced by shock.

James looked carefully up and down the long corridor and saw nobody in sight. He moved a bit closer to Sirius so he could speak in a low voice, and said, “Evans knows about Remus.”

Silence was Sirius’ response. The look upon his face was strikingly familiar to the look on Lily’s face when she was telling James her findings--both pale and reminiscent of a fish out of water.

“Well, what? What do we do?” Sirius asked vaguely.

“I was just off to set things right when you started twirling your fingers at me,” James retorted harshly. Sirius had no response; he remained silent, wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Taking his lack of feedback as unnatural apathy, James turned on his heal and began his brisk walk towards the broom cupboard he and Lily had been hiding in. He angrily shook his head as his feet picked up speed; sometimes Sirius was a right berk, and it always seemed to happen when James needed him the most. He might be rash, but he usually helped instead of hurt the situation. Usually.

“Prongs, wait up! I have an idea.” There it was�”the faithfully brilliant, however slightly slow, Sirius Black.

“Move it along, then, no need to keep the lady waiting,” James replied, his pace steady. He heard the quick patter of Sirius’ feet running behind him before he appeared rather close to his right side.

“You should probably tone down the arm swinging, James. Might knock an innocent bystander out,” Sirius said, his good humour having apparently overtaken his state of shock as if it had never existed. James quit swaying his arms as he shot Sirius an angry look, his eyes lighting up at the simple prod.

“Ah, so when I mention the lady you join me?” James asked, sizing Sirius up out the corner of his eye.

“Figured I would contribute my extraordinary brawn and brass to our little predicament,” Sirius replied as he puffed his chest up with air.

“Oh, come off it, Padfoot,” James mumbled, hardly taking in the words his friend was saying. His goal now was to find Lily and set the record straight.

“You don’t think I have brawn and brass?” Sirius whimpered pathetically.

“I said shove off.” James said, the reprimand feeling strange to his ears, but necessary in his head. He felt Sirius shrink beside him, but he continued down the corridor. They walked in silence, Sirius a step behind James. As they neared the small cupboard, James trained his ears for any sounds within it.

Scratch-scratch-scratch.

Holding his finger up to his lips for silence, James walked quietly up to the door. He paused, lifted his fist, and wrapped the back of his knuckles loosely against the old wood of the door. The scratching immediately stopped.

“Who’s there?” came the timid voice of Lily, accompanied by shuffling of parchment and feet.

“It’s James. I’ve brought the world’s greatest prat with me,” James replied. Sirius shot him a look. “All right, I’ve brought Sirius with me.”

She opened the door, the gust of wind blowing her hair back from her face. “I knew who you were talking about before you named him,” she quipped, her voice betraying her lacklustre eyes. She smiled softly before forming her lips into a firm line once again.

“Er, can we come in or something?” Sirius asked as he bounced from his toes to his heels, seemingly oblivious to the situation.

“You want to come into the broom closet?” Lily asked, the proposition apparently strange to her; in fact, it was. Both boys immediately nodded eagerly. James led the way into the cramped room and took a seat on his previous bucket. He reflexively ruffled his hair before snatching his hand down to his side; Remus said Lily probably didn’t enjoy James’ infatuation with his hair. When the scrapes and clatters of the other two joining his level ceased, James looked hopefully at Sirius. Maybe he would be able to contribute something sufficient to this meeting.

James blanked. What was he going to say to satiate her? Yes, Evans, you’ve been walking in the midst of a werewolf for seven years. No worries, he hasn’t bit any children lately.

Shaking the thoughts from his head, he began, “Look, Evans, we just wanted to say�””

“It’s really not your burden to carry,” Sirius interrupted, surprising both Lily and James. “James, Peter, and I have got it covered, so if you could possibly keep this little discovery to yourself, that would be beautiful.”

Lily nodded, a pensive frown pulling at the corners of her lips. “Does Dumbledore know?”

“Are you planning on telling him?” Sirius narrowed his eyes.

Her eyes bounced back and forth between the two, but her lips stayed firmly shut, still in a firm, straight line. A look of realization overtook her features and she replied, “Of course not! Why would I do such a thing as that, although I presume Remus has already touched on the matter with�””

“Obviously Dumbledore knows,” Sirius announced, once again as an interruption. “But that’s between the werewolf and the headmaster, so is this little discussion over?”

He sounded annoyed, as if he had better things to do this late in the afternoon. James glared at him, his face set, before his raised his hand and gave Sirius a precise slap in the back of his head.

“What was that for?” Sirius cried, raising his hand to brush over the recently assaulted spot.

“Let others finish their sentences before you go barging in with your opinion,” James replied, as if his reason for smacking Sirius was obvious.

“All right, all right, boys. Calm down,” Lily said, her voice of reason taking control. “Let’s get out of here. We don’t want anyone getting funny ideas about the three of us…”

Sirius let out a bark of laughter as he stood, crouching from the low ceiling. Flushing red, James stood too, and as he did so, he noticed the corner of a parchment sticking out of Lily’s bag. On the small corner was written,

Remu�”
Were�”
Answe�”

All previous blood in his face instantly drained away. “Evans, what’s written on that parchment there?”

He pointed to the flap of her bag where the parchment was. Following his finger’s trajectory, she bent down to retrieve the incriminating page. He watched as her eyes bounced over words and then back up to his face.

“These are notes Anna gave me about monthly illnesses and diseases�””

“Remus is not ill.”

“Sirius, what did I say about interrupting?” James said, irritated. “Let the lady speak.”

Lily’s eyes seemed almost puzzled at his last remark, as if it were too civil to be escaping James Potter’s lips, which is probably what she believed. She folded the parchment in half before pulling her wand out.

“Incendio,” she stated, and flames erupted, slowly burning away the parchment. As the fire crackled its way up the dangling paper, she let out a small gasp when it climbed too high. She dropped it, instantly sending a jet of water onto the smouldering mass.

“Is that all right? It wasn’t anything important, really,” she continued airily as if her fingers hadn’t just been threatened by fire.

“You were writing before were came in here, though,” Sirius said suddenly. “You quit to open the door for us.”

“I just wrote a few more notes so I wouldn’t forget, but they’re gone now,” she said. “Now, can we get a move on?”

As they filed out of the small door one by one, James leading the trio, he allowed his eyes to dart up and down the long hall. At the very end where the corridor met a staircase stood a familiar figure. The figure was hidden in pale shadows, but James could still make out his tattered robes and broad-shouldered, narrow frame. James watched in hidden horror as Remus moved from the shadows, a confused look intertwining itself among the white scars of his face.

James froze for a moment as he thought of his next move. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Remus advancing slowly towards them. He looked back to Sirius and Lily for support, but he only shrugged and she looked so worried that James felt bad for putting any emotional weight on her. He turned back to look down the hall and found Remus standing immediately in front of him.

“All right, James? You look a bit… frazzled,” Remus said, raising his eyebrows.

“Fine, Remus,” James paused, searching for words to deviate from the current situation. “I always look frazzled, right? My hair is a bit messy if you haven’t noticed.”

Remus replied, a strange grin upon his face that didn’t completely meet his light eyes, “How silly of me to forget.” He looked over James’ shoulder to Sirius and Lily. “Nice rendezvous in the broom cupboard?”

A thick silence blanketed over the trio. James’ mind was racing with excuses. Or should he tell the truth? �”that they had a secret meeting to discuss his condition? He hardly thought Remus would enjoy that statement in the slightest. He felt the rushed movement of Lily walking in front of him so she was the person in Remus’ immediate line of vision. James felt his insides twist with inexplicable anticipation as her mouth hesitantly opened.

“Remus,” she said quietly as if she was telling him a secret, and continued simply, “I know.”

Since the day I was bitten, I’ve always figured myself a burden on others. Not so much a burden actually, more that people are better off without me. My mother and father were never distanced from me, but I still felt a gaping abyss form between others and myself. I never made any new childhood friends and I lost my old ones. I simply believed I was better off without anyone.

That is, until I arrived at Hogwarts. It was strange, how comfortable I felt when James, Peter, and Sirius sat next to me at the table after we were sorted. They were all so alive and free, seemingly not having a care in the world. They were how I should have been. How I was as a child, but then I forgot to carry on my juvenile ways and suddenly became too grown up for my body. Becoming a Marauder brought back my juvenility, however faintly, but I had that spark again.

As we grew up, I watched James fall slowly and indiscernibly in love with Lily. It was calm at first, but then James never let up. We, being Peter, Sirius, and I, thought he would be disheartened after the first two denials. Any guy would have been, but James never once lost heart. I watched always, never breaking in or adding to the calamity, as Sirius and Peter did. What I saw was true, but it was just hinted. It was slight in the way a new crush is, but I could tell it was more than that. James may have been open about his feelings, almost too open, really, but I knew Lily had them too, hidden deep within her. It was comical to watch them battle, yes, but it was painful as well. To watch two of my friends hurt themselves endlessly was almost worse than the embarrassment James was causing himself on so many occasions when he tried to woo Lily.

To me, it was simply the course of love, something that should not be meddled with. None of the others seemed to get it, though. They were all in the throws about Lily’s constant denials to the point that they never saw what lay just beneath the surface of Lily’s heated jabs at James’ character.

As one can see, I always watched and never acted. I was a thinker instead of a doer, one might say, which is why I have only landed myself in one relationship. I’ve just never been much concerned about which girl is flirting with me and what I should do about it. My main concerns are my friends, because without them I would be nothing.

--

Remus stared at her. He could feel the blood drain from his face as his eyes darted over her head to look from James to Sirius. Both offered him no more than a shrug for explanation, but he didn’t see guilt in their faces. He knew they wouldn’t have told her anyway; she must have found out on her own.

Blatantly ignoring her statement, he asked, “Where’s Peter?”

Again, James and Sirius shrugged, their mouths remaining tightly shut. They seemed nervous, as if they didn’t know how to handle such a situation.

“Remus…” a small voice in front of him said, almost desperately.

“Well! Why don’t we rendezvous in the broom closet again, shall we?” Sirius asked, his voice laced with sarcasm as he pulled the closet door open. James quickly followed Sirius’ prompt and slid into the small room. Sirius bent low in a mock bow and Lily turned, her eyes set on Remus even as her face turned away, and followed James. In the corridor remained Sirius and Remus. The latter watched with hesitant eyes as Sirius gave him a few pointed glances accompanied by a vigorous head jerk or two. Obliging, Remus walked towards the broom closet.

He muttered, passing by a stiff Sirius, “You and James are going to regret this later.”

The closet was expectantly dark, riddled with cobwebs, and cramped. Somehow the four fit in, however cramped they were. James looked like a he had just won a million galleons as Lily’s hair brushed his shoulder, and Sirius’ legs tangled within the small space, his left foot jabbing painfully into Remus’ thigh.

“’ily, yocnt tel neeone bouts” came the muffled warning from Sirius’ face.

“Lumos,” Remus whispered, only to see Sirius’ cheek pressed firmly against the wall beside his head.

“Mm stuck,” Sirius mumbled again.

“Well get unstuck,” retorted Lily. “I don’t see the point of us being in here anyway. You all know I would never tell anyone something of such great importance.”

“Wouldn’t you?” Remus asked, his eyes shifted downward.

“Of course not! You mean more to me than silly gossip.”

Silence fell over the foursome save for the shuffling of Sirius’ attempts to remove his face from the wall. In reality, Remus didn’t know what to think. He never thought anyone paid enough attention to realize that he went missing once a month. This was an encounter he thought he would never have to face; therefore, he had no idea what to do next.

It was as if he had been stuck in some strange version of vertigo where he couldn’t get back to reality. He should be able to trust her, and he knew he would, but this was just another person who knew and would eventually distance herself. He couldn’t take it. Standing up slowly, he heard the muffled voices protesting against his actions. He felt like his head was in a box and nothing could penetrate it. Something hard made contact with his abdomen, sending him sprawling back into the depths of the small closet. A heavy weight was now pressing down on him, making it too hard to breathe.

And then it stopped suddenly. The box was removed and he could feel his right eye pounding.

“Oi, Padfoot, why’d you go and do that!” came a frightened yelp from his left.

“He was all wobbly and quiet, so I figured a good punch would straighten him out. And look at the results! No more wobbling,” Sirius replied, pleasure evident in his voice.

“Get off, Padfoot. I can’t breathe.”

The pressure was instantly relieved and Remus shook his head, clearing the cobwebs, but increasing the pounding tenfold. Touching his fingers gingerly to his forehead, he felt the warm, sticky blood on his brow. He pushed himself up with one hand, keeping his other hand on his head.

“Lumos.” The small space was instantly alight and a small feminine face was just inches from his own, peering up at the welling cut. “We need to get him to the Hospital Wing, I don’t know how to mend cuts of that intensity.”

Sirius threw his body in front of the door. “Wait, wait. What exactly are you going to tell Madame Pomfrey?” His eyes narrowed.

“That you punched him, you great prat. What do you think?” James’ voice proceeded to raise an octave. “Yes, Madame Pomfrey, that’s right. Remus fell down the stairs and that’s how he has those knuckles imprinted on his face.” He rolled his eyes.

“Well, I mean no, but do you have to tell her it’s me?” Sirius replied sheepishly as he began to inch his body away from the door in defeat.

“Since you did it, you can fess up,” Remus muttered as he tipped his head back, trying to manage the dripping blood.

Slumping his shoulders, Sirius turned to open the door. “Oh, all right, let’s get a move on, then.”

*

Rubbing his fingers slowly over the now healed cut, Remus turned to Sirius. “Thanks for saying I fell down the stairs, Padfoot. I really think you had Pomfrey convinced.”

“Especially when she asked how he had finger-shaped bruises and you blamed it on the suits of armour,” James butted in, elbowing Remus. “She wasn’t doubting your excuse at all.”

He proceeded to wink at Lily as the two boys laughed at their friend’s pouting face. In return he received something he never thought he would see: a blush. Not a snooty remark or a swat at his arm. She blushed. Remus watched from the corner of his eye as James went speechless. He smiled, the previous predicament completely forgotten, lying in the back of his mind.

When they made it through the portrait hole, they found there were two occupants sitting around the fire: Anna and Peter.

Remus followed the other three as they found their seats around the crackling fire. He remained standing as everyone fell into silence and stared at him or each other expectantly. It was as if there was something that needed to be said, so everyone was waiting, but no one seemed to know how or where to begin.

Supposing it was his place to explain in the slightest, or to at least acknowledge what he knew was on everyone’s mind, Remus found a way to begin. Scanning his eyes quickly around the room to check for any late night stragglers, he readied himself to announce his biggest secret to two people who already knew what was going on. Seemed slightly useless to him, but all the glowing, expectant eyes pushed him onward.

“I, er, well… everyone already knows, so yes. I’m a werewolf. Have been since before I came to Hogwarts,” he confirmed quietly. Looking around, he noticed Sirius and Peter looked bored, James complacent, and the girls’ faces were unreadable. A mixture of shock, worry, and confusion laced through their features. The silence continued for a moment as Remus watched everyone stare straight at him, some actually looking at him, others simply staring. Without announcing his departure, Remus turned quietly and crept from his silent crowd.

“Hey! Oh no you don’t!” He heard a feminine voice chide him. “You have a small amount of explaining to do here, Remus.”

He turned to see Anna’s eyes glaring at him. A sigh escaped his lips; he had hoped they would just let this go. As he sluggishly walked back over the group, he saw Sirius whack Anna on the arm.

“It’s all right Padfoot, I owe them at lease a small amount of explanation, I suppose,” Remus surrendered. Placing his feet firmly on the ground, he once again scanned the room for prying ears, but saw no one and was comforted. “What would you like to know?”

A well-placed glance from Lily sparked Anna’s mouth into action. “Where do you go every month?”

It seemed as if all feeling had left Remus’ arms as he prepared to tell some of his most dire secret to these two girls. Thoughts raced through his head as he decided how much of this secret he wanted to let loose and how much he wanted to keep buried within the Marauders’ confidence.

“I, er, am taken to the Shrieking Shack by Madame Pomfrey,” he explained, his cheeks burning with emotion. It felt wrong to mutter these words allowed. He never had�”his three friends had snooped until they found out this part of his secret.

Anna and Lily looked satiated by this explanation. Apparently it seemed safe enough to them. The tension seemed to ebb slightly as every settled down. To know how the beast is contained must have been their only worry. Remus’ shoulder slumped in defeat. He had actually divulged his secret. Was he really that obvious? He looked around at everyone, trying to see if there were anymore questions floating in their eyes and saw none.

“I’m going to go to my room,” he announced quickly, and after waiting a few seconds for an objection, he turned and walked away from his friends.

As he made his way up the stairs, he heard the rushed whispers that began to erupt from behind him. He let it pass through his mind as quickly as it came. He trusted his friends to do what was right.

As he passed through the seventh year dormitory door, he heard the light step of feet making their way up the stairs behind him. Lacking the incentive to turn to see his follower, he continued his path to his bed.

“You know, Moony, Lily and Anna are not going to say anything to anyone. They’re not complete morons,” James said, his voice urgent with conviction. He moved forward as if to make a gesture of comfort but decided against it. “Anna might even be able to help! She says she knows of potions that dull the pain.” A smile lit James’ face at the idea of helping Remus, but Remus knew that there was nothing that would help his true problem.

The transformations he could take, it was a part of him that would never change. Causing others this worry and stress over his wellbeing and happiness only because he was different from them was something he couldn’t change. He felt there would now be two more people out there that looked at him differently than those who were kept in the dark. Two more people that would look at him and possibly feel that twinge of fright at the idea of a monster sitting beside them.

“Thanks, James. It’s all right. I think I’m just going to go to sleep now. It’s been a long day.” Remus turned from the slackened features that appeared on his friend’s usually hopeful face to pull his hangings aside. “’Night.”

Slipping into his enclosed bed, he waited until he heard the shuffling of James’ feet as he walked away. A pang of regret jolted him as he thought about the abrupt and rather rude response he had just given James, but soon the pang was washed over by relief. Solitude at last. A moment to think about the true consequences of today’s occurrences.

It seemed like the worst had yet to hit him. He knew that the repercussions to today’s exposure would come back and bite him in the nose sooner rather than later. Since he had been through this once already, he knew that this guilt would fade soon. However, the last time had been with people he trusted exponentially and eternally, and it comforted him to have their support; now it was to two girls who were his good friends, but the trust was not as strong. He felt a nagging at the back of his head as if he had something he needed to do before it got out of hand.

His thoughts led him into a confused sleep, riddled with dreams of dead ends and screams of pain. The last lucid memory he had was the creaking of his dormitory door and the excited whispers of his best friends. The only thing he discerned was a fragment coming from Peter’s lips: “I can’t believe you let them in on that so casually, Padfoot….”