She fell so hard. He caught her, captivated her, and held her in his grasp, as much as he wished it was different. She wished it was different. It was hard, but it was there, in both of them. She couldn’t forget it and he couldn’t escape it. That’s the way love is.


Tonks had known about love. She had imagined a handsome boyfriend by her side since she was thirteen. Every scene she conjured in her mind had a fairy tale ending. But her own tale was about anything but fairies. It had turned out so much differently. There was so much more disappointment and unhappiness involved than her adolescent mind could have dreamed of. Love is like that.

She was lying, dormant, in the bedroom of her flat. The noise of London floated in through her open window and the evening was growing dark. She thought she should probably turn on the lamp on her night table, but she couldn’t summon the energy to move. She didn’t even feel like taking her wand out of the pocket of her robes. It was hot and stuffy in the room, and it bothered her, but she didn’t want to turn on the fan sitting atop her desk, or open the window a little wider. She didn’t want to do anything.

It had been such an ordinary day. She had gone to work, even though she didn’t really have to go in on Saturdays. She had written a report, sent several important letters and accompanied the Magical Law Enforcement Squad to the home of a suspected dark wizard. Upon arrival, their search had yielded nothing except several empty potion bottles and a slightly bloodstained bone which, as it turned out, belonged to the household dog.

Then she had gone to dinner at the Burrow. She had told Molly she wasn’t coming, but the invitation kept playing itself like a video inside her head…


“Dear, why not come to dinner at the weekend, Remus and Mad-Eye are coming--�

A small part of her hadn’t wanted to see him, but a larger part had. She gave in.

The Burrow was full of talk and laughter when she arrived. Ron, Harry, Fred and George were seated at the table in the kitchen, laughing outrageously and peeling a mountain of fresh yellow corn. Fleur, Hermione and Ginny were helping Mrs. Weasley as she bustled around the kitchen, boiling potatoes, chopping salad and magically grilling several slices of chicken soaked in barbeque sauce. Mr. Weasley and Mad-Eye were seated in the living room, deep in discussion.

Beside them, he was seated.

Remus had seen her the moment she entered the room. He looked up so quickly, she could have sworn he had radar for her. But he looked away as fast as he had glanced at her, and she was left to wonder whether he had noticed her at all.

Dinner had been delicious, as usual, and she had somehow ended up seated next to him. She wondered whether Mrs. Weasley might have arranged this. She had gone to Molly for some sympathy, but she had merely said she felt stressed, and sad after what had happened at the Ministry. However, Molly usually knew much more about Tonks than Tonks even knew herself.

If she had hoped for the evening to make her feel better, it hadn’t. Remus had been polite and friendly, asking about work and her new flat, but he had been guarded. He didn’t laugh like he used to.

Granted, he hadn’t laughed at much of anything these days, even when she wasn’t involved, Tonks mused, as the sky outside grew gradually darker. She wondered about his change in attitude. She could trace it directly to the events at the Ministry. It was when she had first realized she loved him. Did he know? Could he perform Legilimency? Or did he feel the same way?

Sometimes she wondered about the amount of thoughts in her head. She figured that it was reasonable to suspect that someday, her brain might explode in protest of the sheer pressure.

She dragged herself off the bed, and looked critically at her reflection in the mirror above her dresser. Concentrating hard, she tried to change her hair back to pink. She couldn’t. Try as she might, her hair remained stubbornly mouse brown.

Giving up, she slipped out of her robes and donned a pair of jeans and a gray t-shirt. After sliding her feet into beat up brown clogs, she stepped out into the hall of her building. Down the hall and out the door she went, coming to a halt at last on the deserted sidewalk.

She stood there, staring aimlessly around. She wondered if she had gone crazy. She didn’t know who she was anymore. Where was the old Tonks? The one who laughed and smiled and asked questions? The one who had pink hair and sang along with the Weird Sisters?

Then she remembered something. The memory seemed to play like a video inside her head. Tonks remembered crying…because of a bully…yes, that was it.

A little girl with straight brown hair sat curled in her mother’s lap, her tears leaving tiny wet spots on her mother’s navy robes.

“He was so mean to me, mommy. He said I was stupid and weird and would never have a boyfriend and…� she said, her voice trailing off into renewed sobs.

Her mother sat with her, waiting until the tears had almost subsided. Then she spoke.

“Dear, listen to me. You are a strong, smart girl with a lot of talent and bravery. I admire you! You know who you are and you know what you want. That is a wonderful gift at you age.�

The little girl had stopped crying. She looked up at her mother, who smiled and continued.

“There is one thing I want you to remember. You know so much about yourself, so don’t listen to what other people say about you. You already know who you really are, which is not stupid and not weird. So why do you listen to them? And as for boyfriends, there isn’t a ton of guidance I can give you. But I can tell you one thing, and it is important for you to remember.�

She paused, stroking her daughter’s hair with one thin finger.

“Never change yourself for them. Never lose sight of the girl you are for one moment. If you can find a boy who loves your true self, hold onto him. Hold him tight, and never let him go.�

Where was her true self? Had she lost herself? What girl did Lupin know- the real Tonks, or her shadow?

She turned abruptly and started walking, wiping a tear from her eye.

---

Fifteen minutes later, Tonks was standing on the doorstep of a small house just a couple of miles away from her flat. The house itself was draped in ivy, and the brown door was warped and full of splinters. The house had ivory siding and looked as if it hadn’t been lived in for several decades.

She raised one trembling fist and knocked twice with the tarnished griffin knocker.

There was a few minutes when nothing happened. Silence seemed to reverberate around the square. Then the door swung slowly open, and Remus Lupin stood in front of her on a dark threshold.

“Tonks?� Lupin said, sounding surprised.

“Hi,� Tonks said quietly, suddenly unsure of her own voice. Lupin seemed to recover from the surprise.


“Come in, come in,� he said, sounding a bit distracted, “I’m afraid the place is rather a mess- when you entertain the werewolves following Voldemort, they tend not to make your house smell lemony fresh.�

He still sounded preoccupied, as if he wasn’t quite concentrating on anything. Tonks suddenly found her focus wandering as well. Something about him seemed to flush away all of her careful control, leaving her wobbly, and unsure. Was this what happened when you lost yourself? She had to get back on track.

“I didn’t know you started spying already. Didn’t Dumbledore say you could wait till September?� she asked.

“He did,� Lupin replied, “but I guess my location was divulged a bit too early. They arrived yesterday, and I’m moving out next week.�

“Oh,� Tonks said. She couldn’t think of anything else to say. She followed Lupin inside. There was no entryway- the door led right into a small living room. A torn couch against the wall was red, but she wasn’t sure if that was intentional or merely because of the wine spilled all over it, looking vaguely gory. The floor was coated in a layer of mud, crumbs and more wine.

She stood uncertainly in the middle of the room between the rough coffee table and cluttered bookshelf. Lupin crossed behind her and closed the door with a click.

“I’ll get us some food, shall I?� he said, walking away from her into the next room. Tonks perched precariously on the arm of the stained couch. It was the only spot that wasn’t ripped.

Lupin returned moments later with a bowl of popcorn and two cups of coffee.

“I would offer you something nicer, but I’m afraid I’m rather short on wine, and most of the crackers are now crumbs.�

“This is fine,� Tonks said quietly. They sat in silence a few minutes, sipping the coffee and occaisionally reaching for a few kernels of popcorn.

“So, Tonks, why the visit. There can’t be any sort of emergency or you would have told me immediately, so why did you…�

Lupin stopped speaking. Tonks sat frozen in her chair. She was looking at the popcorn bowl where her hand was resting against his. She felt some sort of strange and scary electricity rush through her body as she looked up at him. His face was confused, but there was something else in his expression. Was it fear? Or was it some kind of hope?

“I have to go,� Tonks said. She felt like her internal organs were exploding.

She leapt up from the couch and threw open the door, stumbling out onto the dark London street. Lupin was shouting something behind her, but she was already gone, running around the corner and towards the river. She stopped when she reached a bench in a dark alley. The smell of the river filled her nose as all around her, the streets were drenched in a sudden rain.

Remus knew nothing about love. He had never thought much about it. He had sat on the sidelines and watched James chase Lily and Sirius chase curvaceous blonde girls through his whole life at Hogwarts. Sure, he had met girls he liked. But he could never get close to them for fear of them discovering what he was.

Tonks was different. She knew what he was, so why couldn’t he feel close to her? Why did her friendship feel so fragile? Why did he always feel he needed something more from her?

He sat slumped on his couch, staring glumly into a half empty bowl of popcorn, as though seriously considering burying himself in it. The door to his apartment was still open, and the rain outside was blowing in.

He thought about closing it. Boy, that’s an achievement. I actually thought about getting off this filthy couch, and maybe even moving across the room…

Remus couldn’t stand himself anymore. He couldn’t stand being in his own skin. Greyback’s suggestion of turning savage and living in the gutter was starting to seem really appealing. He just felt like forgetting about everything. Like leaving and living in a monastery in Siberia. They might give me my own special locked room during the full moon if I pretended I wanted to pray… he thought sarcastically.

Since when had his brain housed such contempt? Hadn’t he always been proud to be normal? Hadn’t he always been happy to like other people? Where had this sudden desire for exile come from?

He wondered if he had gone crazy.

Sometimes he wondered about the amount of thoughts in his head. He figured it was reasonable to suspect that someday, his brain might explode in protest of the sheer pressure.

He was in love with Nymphadora Tonks. She had touched his hand, and it was sending him into a frenzy of scary and potentially combustible thoughts.

He crossed the room in one swift movement, intending to close the door, but he didn’t. He fell to his knees on the stoop of his house and sat there soaking in the pouring rain. The ivy from the window pane fell across his hair, and the muddy doorstep covered his legs in grime.

He was too old for her, too poor, too dangerous. This couldn’t happen.

“If this is what love is, then I’M SICK OF IT ALREADY!� he yelled into the storm.

---

Weeks passed, and Remus maintained a stony silence whenever he was in the vicinity of Tonks. This did not take much effort, as the only time he had to see her was Order meetings, and during these periods, they had no chance to talk.

He also refrained from eating dinner at the Burrow. He did visit for a little party on Harry’s birthday which was partially because he hadn’t seen the boy for several weeks and also because he knew Tonks was away that week doing some work for the Ministry.

He was plagued nightly by dreams that were confusing blurs of color and shapes, in which the werewolves he was now associating with weaved in and out of members of the Order and strange scenes from his years at Hogwarts. Many other nights his mind would present him with bizarre, x-rated scenes that involved himself and Tonks in a variety of situations that could potentially embarrass him into next century if anyone were to perform occlumency on him.

As the summer sun waned and the Hogwarts year started, Remus settled into simple routines. He spied during the week, and wrote coded reports to Dumbledore whenever the other werewolves were out of sight. He wanted to write to Harry, but he couldn’t do it in code and if he didn’t use code, the evidence could be used against him. Spying was a tricky business.

One evening in November, Remus had taken refuge in a local pub. He did not usually do this, but it was about five days before the full moon, and he was feeling sick and gloomy. He was not afraid of his werewolf companions discovering his location- they spent many evenings in pubs and always wanted to know why he didn’t. No, he was afraid of running into Tonks.

He knew that she would sometimes go for a butterbeer and some food at the Three Broomsticks if she was stationed up at Hogwarts, and if she wasn’t at Hogwarts, she might grab a burger somewhere in Muggle London.

Remus was sitting in a shabby little place a few blocks from his old house at a table by himself. He had a bottle of beer, a bowl of chowder and a hard dinner roll in front of him, and he was praying that Tonks did not choose tonight to visit this pub. Unless he was incredibly unlucky, she would go someplace else, or not go out to eat at all.

He was incredibly unlucky.

He felt her presence before he saw her. That was one thing he had noticed about her; she seemed to make the very air in a room take on a different quality when she walked in. The change was so subtle, he doubted anyone save himself had noticed it, but it was there all the same.

He looked over at her as she walked through the door. Her skin was slightly damp and she wore a coat and hat against the November chill. She slipped the hat off as soon as the pub’s welcoming warmth hit her and her mouse brown hair, so much like Remus’ own, fell limp around her shoulders.

He wondered why she had dispensed with her pink hair. It fit her personality so much better than her current shade. She seemed quieter, and more adult since the Ministry, so he supposed that she must have changed her hair to match her mood. He still was in love with her, but thought he might have liked the old Tonks better.

She saw him watching her, and he quickly looked down into the depths of his chowder. He heard her speak quietly to the hostess, but he was too far away to hear her words.

A moment later she was seated across from him. He felt a zing through all his nerves and could not look up at her. With his body on high alert, he could feel the slight heat radiating from her legs under the table.

“Remus,� she said quietly, “I didn’t know you ate out much.�

“I don’t,� Remus answered into his chowder.

“It’s funny, though. You and I in the same pub on the same night,�

“Yeah, funny,� Remus said. He wanted to get away. He couldn’t think straight.

The waitress came over, and said something to Tonks. Remus couldn’t really tell what, because his ears were buzzing, but he could decipher Tonk’s reply, which was that she would like an October ale and a burger, cooked well. The words made no sense in Remus’ fuzzy, confused brain.

They sat in silence for a while. Remus got himself under control, and found that he could look up at her, and at the color televisions behind the bar. He was very interested in them, because they were never in wizard pubs, only Muggle restaurants like this one. However, even the television couldn’t distract him from the pale witch in front of him.

“Remus, we need to talk,� she said after a while. She sounded dead serious, but scared and maybe even a little desperate.

“Yeah, we do,� he said, pushing away the remains of his meal and shifting in his seat. “You first.�

“Fine. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since I was at your house in the summer- no, scratch that, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking ever since the battle at the Ministry. I’ve been so confused lately, and I’ve figured out why it is. When I saw Sirius die, I started thinking about this whole stupid war and why I’m really doing it. I know I joined the Order to help save the Wizarding world, and, god, I wish it was still that way. But after the Ministry, I realized that there are things I care more about than the well being of the entire magical community. There is someone out there I’m fighting for, and every night I thank my lucky stars he’s still alive. It seems self centered, but there you are. All I want…�

She faltered, not looking at Remus.

“All I want is to know whether or not he feels the same way.�

She finally looked up at him, and he saw what he had been both hoping and dreading in her eyes. She was in love with him and he was in love back.

His entire body became tense again and his desire to get closer to her became hard to resist. With a tremendous effort, he tore his gaze away from hers.

“Tonks,� he began, “I am too old for you. I don’t have any money. I am too dangerous…�

“I don’t care!� she said, so loudly that several men at the bar turned to look at her.

“All I care about,� she said, more quietly, as the men returned their gazes to the television, “is how you feel, Remus. I need to know.�

“No…no, no,� he whispered, but every physical force known to wizard kind was drawing him steadily towards her. She was so close. This couldn’t be happening, he knew he had to stop, but he couldn’t resist, not know that she was mere inches away. She was coming closer too, her faced pained. This couldn’t be happening…

Their lips brushed, light as feathers, but it was a match that lit the bonfire. Remus wanted to curse the table for being in the way, but he still managed to have one hand running through her hair, his legs soft against her calves, his mouth pressed blindly to hers. Tonks was breathing deeply, drinking in his scent, cold like the wintry air outside, and his mouth tasted slightly like the ale they had both been drinking.

Every particle of Remus’ body screamed its approval of what he was doing, but the sensible voice in the back of his head was yelling at him to break the kiss. Tonks was surprised that he was actually kissing her, but as she felt his body stiffen, she knew they had gone too far. Breathing heavily, Remus pulled away, and she sat, staring at him.

He looked stunned, as if he were trying to convince himself that nothing had happened. She just looked at him. She had told him how she felt, and, if what had just happened was any indicator, he felt the same way. But she still had to see what he would do about it.

Slowly, he brought his hand up to touch his mouth. Then he seemed to come out of his trance.

“No,� he said, more to himself than to Tonks.

“No,� he said again, more firmly. “Tonks, this can’t…can’t happen. No.�

“I don’t—“ she began, but it was too late. He was gone.

Tonks sat at the table, fuming. She had just spilled her heart out to Remus Lupin, telling him everything that had been on her mind for the past five months and he had refused to say anything in return. Then he had kissed her- and it wasn’t just a kiss on the cheek. It was serious.

Then he had run.

He hadn’t even paid for his food! The waitress was looking at Tonks quizzically, and the men at the bar were watching her as well.

“You better run off after yer boyfriend, girl.�

“He didn’ look happy- you got onions on that burger?�

She slammed a few Muggle bills and coins onto the table and left the pub, grabbing her coat and hat as she passed the door. She ran down the street, unaware of where she was going, flying past cars that honked at her when she got too close.

Finally, she arrived, panting, in a dim alleyway with a single rotting bench sitting against a few trash cans.

Fine, she thought savagely. If he wants to be like that then fine, I don’t care…I’ll find someone else.

But even as she thought it, she didn’t believe herself. She was in love with him, and nothing could change that. Is that the way love is? she thought. Truly? Once you’re in love, are you stuck that way, forever?

The hopelessness of her situation threatened to engulf her. She buried her face in her hands as the wind whipped her face and the cold filled her body. She felt as if dementors were surrounding her…

They were.

A sudden, rattling breath alerted her to their presence and she looked up, shaking in the cold. Five of them had surrounded her. The alleyway had gone quiet and dark, as if someone had thrown a switch and cut the power.

Tonks whipped her wand out, more out of instinct than actually thinking clearly. She raised it feebly, pulling herself off the bench, trying to conjure a happy thought. But there was no happiness in her…

“EXPECTO PATRONUM!� she yelled, but she still couldn’t hear her own voice over the howling of the wind. The cold was in her, filling her…she was drowning, lost in a vortex of rushing wind and bone chilling cold…

“Expecto…expecto patronum…�she tried again, dredging her brain for something happy. The memories were there; she knew it; but they seemed to hover on the edges of her consciousness like so many unreachable clouds.

The dementors were reaching for her. Tonks’ brain was full of white mist, someone was screaming in her head. She was going to die…

And suddenly through the mist she saw a white light so bright she had to shield her closed eyes. She suddenly felt someone’s arms around her, lifting her from the ground, where she hadn’t even realized she had fallen. She tried feebly to open her eyes, but the light was too blinding.

She moaned, and a hoarse voice said, “Tonks, I’ve got you, quiet now…�

She thought it sounded like Remus, but she couldn’t be sure. She hoped it was, but the world went black before she could find out.

---

Tonks came to in the most comfortable bed possible. She didn’t even want to open her eyes, hoping this wonderful warmth could continue forever. Her natural Auror’s curiosity about her location overcame this desire, however, and she opened her eyes to look around.

She was in the spare bedroom at the Burrow, the one with the crates full of joke merchandise against the wall and the lingering scent of gunpowder. Mrs. Weasley was hovering anxiously over her, looking worried.

“Tonks! Oh, thank goodness you came round, I was just about to call for a Healer,� Mrs. Weasley said worriedly. Tonks blinked.

“What happened?� she said weakly.

“Oh, it was dementors, and Remus only just got you out of there in time, the poor dear…he looked all white and shaky,� she said, peering at Tonks’ forehead, which, she now noticed, was drenched in cold sweat.

“Remus?�

“Yes, dear, he found you just in time…�

“Oh…Where is he?� Tonks inquired, starting to feel slightly embarrassed that Remus had found her, an Auror, in such a situation.

“He had to leave, dear, urgent business. Now you just finish that chocolate and try to get some sleep,� Mrs. Weasley said, forcing a large slab of Honeyduke’s chocolate into Tonks’ hand and plumping up her pillows.

Tonks nibbled at the chocolate and watched Mrs. Weasley fiddle with the curtains. Tonks was starting to feel very ashamed, being taken down by couple of dementors when she was a fully trained Auror.

“Mrs. Weasley?�

“Yes, dear?�

“Can we keep what happened- I mean, well, can we keep it a…a secret?� Tonks asked, feeling herself go red.

Mrs. Weasley turned to look at her, her expression soft. “Of course, dear. But I wanted to tell you…� She paused.

“No one thinks less of you. Not Remus, nor I. Bad times happen to everyone. I’m sure they just caught you unawares when you were feeling down. But I wanted to ask you if there’s anything- other than the usual stress of life, I mean- that’s getting you down.�

“No,� Tonks said. She wished to heaven that was true. Mrs. Weasley watched her for a moment, then turned to go.

“Wait,� Tonks said. “Yes, there is.�

---

Dear Remus,

I hope your spy work is going well and that I won’t give away your cover by sending this letter. You’ll notice I used the most nondescript owl in the area. I think he has a twin, actually.

Anyway, I am delighted to say that Tonks recovered completely from her attack and left early the next morning. She requested that the attack remain a secret, so Arthur and I have kept quiet. I only hope you will do so as well. (Bill and Fleur have no idea she was here, as she left before either of them were up.)

Tonks told me about her encounter with you in that Muggle pub, and before you go pointing fingers, Remus, dear, let me assure you that the story remains safe with me. However, Tonks is upset with you and wants to know the truth about your feelings. Normally I don’t intervene in this sort of thing, but I can’t bear to see her so gloomy. I think it’s time you two talked this out.

Take care, dear, and do come and visit soon.

-Molly Weasley

Remus put down Molly’s letter with a sigh. He knew Tonks was angry with him, and he should probably talk to her, but he couldn’t. Not because he was afraid, not because he didn’t love her.

It was because when she was around he could think straight. He had realized that when he had rescued her. When he was near her, touching her, he couldn’t tell right from wrong, up from down. All he could think of was how it had felt to kiss her, to hold her, to press himself against her…

He was dangerous.

He couldn’t be in love with her, he was too poor, too old, and he was a werewolf. Being around him, she would be in danger, but he couldn’t stop himself when he was near her. He was a danger to both of them.

---

Remus promised himself that he wouldn’t go near Tonks. He wouldn’t even put himself in that position again. He received another owl from Mrs. Weasley, urging him to just talk to Tonks, no matter how he felt, but he determinedly avoided replying.

Winter passed into spring, and Remus avoided Tonks, just as he avoided the Weasleys, Harry and the Order. The only person he was in contact with was Dumbledore.

But then Dumbledore had died.

That evening, Remus had been on patrol at Hogwarts. Most unluckily, Tonks had been on the same one. However, he had managed to concentrate on strictly business while he was under the watchful eye of Minerva McGonagall.

When Remus thought about it later, he remembered little, the evening had been so clouded with so many emotions. Nervousness, at seeing Tonks again, fear and confusion when the Death Eaters had attacked, and incredible grief when he heard that Dumbledore was dead.

And Fleur still loved Bill when he had been bitten…

Tonks had tried yet again to talk sense into him, Mrs. Weasley had said he was being ridiculous, but Remus was most affected when Mr. Weasley gave his opinion.

�And after all, Remus, young and whole men do not necessarily remain so.�

Was he being stupid? Why was he really denying himself the love that he felt? Was he afraid? He cared about so many people, so why did he have the inability to let them care for him?

But you’re a werewolf, said a small voice in his head. You don’t deserve it.

He did deserve it, though. It was not his fault he had been bitten. Why should he deny the fact that he loved someone more that he’d ever loved anyone in his life?

Dumbledore would be happier than anybody to think there was a little more love in the world…

He slipped out of the hospital wing, out onto the grounds. He could hear screams and sobs shatter the night, but he just wanted to be alone under the old beech tree by the lake, just him and his very confused thoughts.

A/N: Please review. Did you like it...or not?

Remus sat under the tree for what must have been hours, his mind whirring and buzzing confusedly for a while, but eventually drifting into a numb haze of disconnected thoughts. He was dimly aware of a delegation of Ministry officials arriving shortly after he left the Hospital Wing, but they didn’t see him concealed beneath the leafy branches of the beech tree.

It began to rain, fat drops thundering against the Hogwarts rooftops, and accumulating on the leaves and falling with a soft splash into his hair and onto his robes. Remus felt no inclination to move, even as the rain soaked him through his underwear. The cold seemed to be the only feeling now penetrating his mind, and it was a blessed relief to know that his senses were still working.

Dumbledore was gone…and Tonks was in love with him. He had hoped that the moment that she declared her undying love for him would not be in a Muggle pub or the Hogwarts Hospital Wing on the eve of Dumbledore’s death, but apparently, that’s how love is.

He closed his eyes, and let two salty tears escape from under his eyelids, where they blended smoothly with the rain running down his cheeks.

Footsteps behind him startled Remus out of his reverie. He turned around sharply, one hand wiping his wet face and the other resting protectively over the pocket that held his wand. He could make out a figure in the gloom. Afraid that it was a Death Eater that hadn’t left the school, he withdrew his wand completely from his pocket.

“It’s me,� the figure said. Remus breathed an inward sigh of relief. It was only Tonks.

She stepped out of the shadow of the trees, and sat down beside him. She was awfully close, and Remus’ fingers and toes started tingling slightly. He tried not to look at her, but he couldn’t help it. Somehow, she managed to look beautiful, even soaked to her skin. He slipped his wand back into his pocket.

“Everything’s going to change now,� she whispered, so softly Remus could barely hear her over the rain. He said nothing.

She leaned back against the tree trunk, her shoulder a mere inch away from his. As she shifted, her little finger brushed his, and an electrical charge shot through his frozen body. With bravery he didn’t know he had, he found her hand with his and entwined his fingers gently in hers. She shot him a quick look, but said nothing about it.

“You never answered my question,� she said, determinedly not looking at him.

“What?�

“That’s twice now I’ve spilled my heart out to you, and you haven’t answered my question: Do you feel the same way?� she asked, sounding simultaneously disappointed and amused.

Remus didn’t know what to say. “I…er…�

There was nothing else for it. He leaned over and kissed her softly on the mouth. After a brief moment, they broke apart, but Tonks kept her eyes locked on his.

“That’s what you did last time,� she said. “And I still don’t know what the heck is going on with you.�

Remus’ entire body was screaming at him to kiss her, but he stopped himself. He had to tell her the truth- now or never.

“I know you’re angry with me, and I should have talked to you before, but I couldn’t. Not because I was afraid, not because I didn’t love you,� he said, looking straight into her eyes.

“Why?�

“It…� he paused, wondering how to phrase his feelings. “It was because when you’re around I can’t think straight. I realized when I rescued you that when I’m near you, touching you, I can’t tell right from wrong, up from down. All I can think of was how it had felt to kiss you, to hold you, to be close to you…I’m dangerous.�

“Remus, you—“ she started, but he cut her off.

“I realized tonight that I was being stupid. I was denying the fact that there was someone out there that I loved more than anyone else. I--“ he stopped, his voice catching suddenly in his throat. Swallowing, he tried to continue.

“I realized that I could be dead tomorrow, and you would never know how I feel. I realized that Dumbledore would be happier than anyone to know that there was a little more love in the world…�

She looked at him, a shadow of hope stirring in the cloak of sadness about her eyes. Her mouse brown hair was plastered against her cheeks, and rain dripped steadily from her nose. Remus felt that relentless urge to be close to her overcome him again. Slowly, tentatively, he brought his hand up to touch her cheek, his thumb gently rubbing her jaw line.

He watched her slowly smile, erasing the harsh lines that pain had etched in her countenance. Tentatively, he brought her face towards his until he could feel he breath on his cheeks. Rain dripped on both their heads, but neither seemed to notice.

Right there under the beech tree in the rain, he kissed her, pulling her close to him until she was sitting in his lap, running his hands through her hair and up and down her back. His every nerve was on fire, and even though their bodies were pressed as tightly together as possible, he wanted to get closer to her. He deepened the kiss, caressing her cheeks with his fingers.

He fell back, twisting in her embrace so he landed with his back on the ground, Tonks on top of him, their lips still locked together. His hands were moving furiously against her back, pulling her as close as he could get her.

Just when Remus thought he would explode with happiness, they broke apart, breathing slightly heavier than normal. Remus rolled over onto his side, and Tonks buried her face in his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and held her gently.

It was one of the most beautiful things that had ever happened to him, even in the midst of so much pain and heartache. Dumbledore was dead, but Tonks was in love with him. He wasn’t quite sure if he should laugh or cry.

Tonks, it seemed, had the same dilemma. He realized suddenly that she was shaking in his arms. She looked up at him, tears rolling through the raindrops that still clung to her face.

“Tonks?�

“I don’t know whether to laugh or cry…� she said, shaking. “I never thought this would happen…�

She kept shaking, clinging desperately to Remus. He held her close, as if he hoped to shield her from the whole world with his arms. She looked up at him; the hope that had surfaced in her eyes so recently was now almost gone. He covered her mouth with his again, and held it there for a long time.

When they broke apart, he whispered softly in her ear.

“Do both,� he said.

---

Remus found Tonks early the next morning before she had even fully awoken. They had both stayed in staff quarters at Hogwarts- his room was only a few doors down from hers. They would stay at Hogwarts until Dumbledore’s funeral.

He knocked on her door when dawn had just begun to stain the horizon rosy pink. She was lying in bed, contemplating the challenge that surviving breakfast was sure to be that morning, and she didn’t feel like getting up.

“Come in,� she called, grabbing her wand from her bedside table and unlocking the door with one weary flick of her wrist. Remus was standing there, fully dressed, with a stack of toast on a large plate, with two cups of coffee balancing precariously on the edge.

“Morning,� he said simply, closing the door behind him.

“I love you,� she breathed, eyeing the toast. A grin flitted across his grim features.

“Is that only because I come bearing food?� he said, looking amusedly at her.

“Sort of,� she said, nearly laughing.

He gave a small smile. “I knew you wouldn’t want to go to breakfast- not after…�

The happy atmosphere in the room suddenly vanished. Remus looked at her slightly awkwardly.

“Anyway,� he continued, “I brought this from the kitchens. Do you want to go for a walk?�

“That sounds excellent,� Tonks said. “Now turn around while I get dressed.�

Ten minutes later, Remus and Tonks were at the edge of the lake, seated on the dewy grass, their plate of toast rapidly vanishing. His arm was draped loosely around her shoulders, shielding her from the morning chill.

Tonks looked across the smooth surface of the lake. The trees were still dripping slightly from the rain the previous night, and the whole lawn looked somehow sad and diminished in the absence of so many students who would normally be milling around on the grassy slope. The only people out this morning, apart from themselves, were four teenagers underneath the beech tree where Remus and Tonks had been the night before. In took Tonks a moment to realize who they were.

“Remus, look,� she whispered, pointing across to them. She needn’t have spoken so softly, as both she and Remus were sitting in such a way that the students could neither see nor hear them.

“What?�

“Over there. It’s Harry- with Ron and Hermione and Ginny.�

“What are they…?� Tonks started to ask, but something had stopped her. “Remus,� she said, “Harry just kissed her!�

“What?!�

“Harry just kissed Ginny. On the lips. It was quick, but still..�

“I didn’t know they were dating!� Remus said indignantly. “Harry didn’t tell me anything…�

He continued to mutter silently under his breath for a few moments. Tonks chuckled, but watched him very closely. As his muttering died away, she continued to look at him.

“You really care about Harry, don’t you?� she said.

“Yeah, I do,� he said. “He reminds me a lot of James. Come to think of it, Ginny reminds me a lot of Lily. She’s good for him.�

Tonks laughed. She thought the same.

“But Harry’s had it really difficult- and I have a feeling it’s only going to get harder for him. If I know anything about Harry, I know he’s going to go after Voldemort, and soon. And if I know anything about Harry, he’s not going to continue his relationship with Ginny. He’ll want her to be safe…�

Tonks watched Harry across the lake. She didn’t know him really well, but she knew him enough to respect him and like him. She could barely believe that someone who had been through so much could still sit under a beech tree and talk with his friends. She could barely believe he could even fall in love with someone when life had dealt him nothing but cruelty.

In some ways, Harry reminded her of Remus. They were both people who were forced to deny their love for other people due to the horrible things life had thrown at them, but they were still able to stay strong and right and true.

“It’s going to be hard for him,� Remus said, and Tonks nodded.

“He needs his friends,� she told him. “People like you and Ron and Hermione. People he can come to when it all gets to be too much.�

“Yeah,� he said quietly. “I know the feeling. I had James and Sirius when I was younger, but now…�

“Now you have me,� Tonks said.