Forgiven

He knelt over, staying on his hands and knees. Tears fell from his eyes, and the pain that was once in his right arm had vanished moments before. The pain had not caused him those tears, however. He was not one to cry from that sort of pain. In fact, he was not one to cry at all. But he was now, and he had a very good reason to. He would never admit it to any one else but the one man he had trusted before this had happened. Now he was unsure who to trust. His stomach whirled, and he felt sick, vomiting in front of where he knelt. He wiped his mouth off with his sleeve, closing his eyes as more tears fell from them. He was alone—people had vanished and gone, and he knew that he would always be alone.

Albus Dumbledore, the man Severus had confided in to keep the girl he loved safe, had lied to him. The girl, Lily Potter, was dead. She was never going to come back, and Severus knew it. He had seen the funeral. His master had destroyed her, had killed her along with the rest of her family, showing no mercy. He had asked Lord Voldemort to be merciful, not to kill Lily, rather the son or father alone. Voldemort had answered in a way that had made Severus think that he would leave Lily alone, but Severus had been wrong to think that was how Voldemort meant his answer. Lily Potter, the only girl Severus had ever loved, was dead, and there was nothing he could do about it. The only good that had come out of this was that the man who had killed her had also died. His master had perished as the rest of the family did, and Severus was thankful for that at least.

“Severus.� He turned around and looked up straight into the bright green eyes that looked back at him angrily. They were narrowed, almost slits where he could now barely see the green of them. Lily’s arms were crossed across her chest, and she was leaning her weight more on one leg than the other. Her hair was messy, like she had just awoken from a deep sleep, but she was still dressed in all of her school clothes. It was nearly midnight, and neither of them should have been in the hall—nor should Severus even be up near the Gryffindor Tower, but he was not worried about getting in trouble. Sure, Lily might take away a couple of points from Slytherin by telling a professor, but he didn’t really care. He had already stayed up there the night before, and Lily had not accepted his apology the first time.

“How long are you going to keep this up?� she asked him as he stood up. He had been leaning against the wall, and he supposed that Mary had once again told Lily that he was out there. “Severus, you have to stop it. You couldn’t have just let it slip, you know. You have to go back to your common room; you have to get some sleep, Sev. You can’t keep threatening to sleep out here for the rest of the year. You wouldn’t be able to function, however good at magic you may be. Now, go to bed. I’m not going to keep coming out here every night, but if I find out that you come back every night, I will tell Professor Slughorn or Professor McGonagall. I can’t keep protecting you from any punishment when you don’t even deserve it.�

“Lily, you need to understand that I didn’t mean it! I was being humiliated by Potter, and I was frustrated. I was really angry, and everything was just building up. I never meant to hurt you,� Severus explained, his voice low and serious. �I would never call you that if I was in my right mind. I only call other people… well… because I don’t like them. You’re the only person who I really care about, Lily. I never ever wanted to hurt you in any way. I’m so sorry.� Lily’s expression lightened for a moment, and he was sure that she was going to forgive him, but she shook her head and let out a frustrated cry.

“Severus, you have to stop. Just stop,� she snapped. “You made a mistake, I know. But it isn’t a mistake that should be forgiven. If we were really best friends, then you would have never said it to begin with. It would never have been in your mind. Even if you weren’t frustrated, it probably would have slipped out at some point.� Severus opened his mouth to protest, but he closed it right away and said nothing. “You can’t even deny it. Just like I said yesterday, that you can’t deny that you’ll become a Death Eater at some point. I wish it wasn’t that way, but it is, so we’re just going to have to move on with our lives.�

Severus did some so sudden that he did not even know he did it until he did. He reached forward and kissed Lily, only slightly on the lips, a quick brush. He pulled away as soon as he did it, and could not even bare to look Lily in the eyes. He saw her back away as though scared, and he backed away as well, into the wall. He took one last look at her, shocked at what he had just done, and walked quickly away. He regretted what he had just done, and was scared suddenly at what Lily would do. His robes flew behind him as he ran, and as he got further away, he could almost hear Lily shouting his name.

Severus slowly regained his balance and stood up, not looking at anyone. He had to leave. He had to get away. It was not right to stay with the Death Eaters any longer, and he knew that most of them had scattered anyways when Voldemort was destroyed. The Dark Mark on his left arm would always be there, but he would never again look at the mark that was slowly fading away. He would never be a Death Eater again. Granted, he had already technically defected from the ranks of the Death Eaters when he had turned spy for the Order. Had Lily known that he had become a spy—had anyone known, really, besides Dumbledore?

Dumbledore. Severus had trusted him to protect Lily, and he had not. Lily Evans—Lily Potter—was dead, and Dumbledore had not done a thing to try to protect her. Not only was Lily dead, but the rest of the family was, as well. Lily had a one-year-old son, Harry, who had perished with the rest of them. James Potter was dead, as well, and Severus felt remorse for him. James Potter had saved his life, and although he had denied it to Lily so long ago, he knew that it was true. He was indebted to James, and he had failed to fulfill it. More tears fell from his eyes as he disapparated to find Dumbledore. He had to set things straight.

“You’ve become a Death Eater, then, Sev?� Lily asked, pointing her wand at his chest. Her chest was rising and dropping quickly, and he could tell that she was nervous. He looked down at her, wand fallen at his side. “I knew you would, and it’s unfortunate. I told you that Avery and Mulciber were the wrong people to be hanging around with. If you had listened to me in the first place, if you had left them, I would not have had to defend you from my friends, and we would have never stopped being friends. Look at yourself, Severus!� She shook her head lightly, not lowering her wand for even a second. She looked completely serious, and Severus was sure that if he made the wrong move, she would hurt him. He would have to act as kindly to her as possible, which he had planned from the off. “A Death Eater!�

“I had to make this decision. It was one of the toughest I had ever had to make, Lily. It was either the Order or the Death Eaters for me, and I knew that I would never be welcomed into the Order. Not with your husband or his friends. I had no choice but to join the Death Eaters, however much I regretted it in the first place. But when it’s a decision between the Order and the Dark Lord, I had no choice,� Severus said angrily, but his voice was quiet, and he was not yelling at her. She looked at him, her face full of disgust and rejection. He could hardly stand to look at her when she had that face. But his eyes were locked on hers, and he was not planning to look away.

“Everyone has a choice, Severus,� she told him, moving her wand up to his neck. He did not flinch or move. If he was going to die this way, at least he would have seen her one last time before he was killed. “The Order would have offered you protection, and James and Sirius would not touch you. The Order is the safest place you could have one, but you chose Voldemort.� Severus flinched as he said the Dark Lord’s name, but said nothing. Lily saw this and laughed, shaking her head lightly. “You are even afraid of his name! Oh, come on, Sev! If you have not noticed yet, the decision you made was wrong.� She moved her wand back to his chest, and frowned. “I’m not going to kill you, Severus. I will not even take you to the Order. I think you’ve had a rough enough life. Goodbye, Sev.�

She looked at him one more time in the eyes, examining the blackness of them. But her eyes began to tear up, and she looked away quickly, lowering her wand. She turned on her heel and began to walk away, pausing only for a moment as she did so. He could hear her beginning to sniffle and cry, but he said nothing until she turned back around once more. She looked at him again, brushing her dark red hair out of her eyes. Those almond shaped, emerald green eyes—he memorized them before. “I’m sorry,� she told him quietly. Severus gaped at her, walking closer as she began to walk away again. He grabbed her arm and she pulled her wand out again.

“I am not going to hurt you, Lily,� he said truthfully, and he was being truthful. He would never hurt the girl he loved for so many years. She had abandoned him after he had let slip a word that he would never say again. He had apologized over and over, but she had not forgiven him. He was confused why she was apologizing now, and for what. For leaving him alone, with friends that he barely liked anymore, that he was trying to rid of for her? He did not know why, but he was more sorry than she would ever be for anything. “I’m really sorry for everything. I should have never called you that—I was frustrated with Potter, and… and I shouldn’t make excuses. I’m sorry, Lily.�

She looked at him, and he saw a tear slip down her soft skin. He reached up and wiped it off with his thumb, making her flinch and pull away. He retracted immediately, and looked away from her. “Sorry,� he muttered, looking back at her for a moment. She turned away and began to walk away again. He knew that this time she was not going to come back. She was not going to pause and turn back around and come back. He was not going to reach back and pull her back. Perhaps when everything was over—the war that was started between Voldemort and the world, and the war that had started between Lily and Severus, the two would become friends again.

Severus watched as she walked away, the dark red hair flowing freely behind her. He had found out by some other Death Eaters that Lily was pregnant with a child, but he had not wanted to hear any more as soon as they told him that. He did not want to know. Now that he looked at her in person, he could tell. He looked away from her as she walked away until he heard her voice. It was quiet, and he was not sure if she had wanted him to hear, but he did. “You’re forgiven,� he heard her say as she stepped into the darkness and he could see no more of her.

Severus visited the old man, Dumbledore. Severus had cried, whimpered at the loss of his love, and Dumbledore had explained everything to him. Dumbledore had said that the son survived. Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, they called him, had lived and would be fine. It would be Severus’s job to protect him—the Dark Lord would return, and he would try to kill the young Potter boy. Harry had his mother’s eyes—emerald green and almond shaped—so how Severus could ever find a way to look the boy in the eyes without remember Lily Evans? He would never let Harry know that he was in love with his mother or trying to protect him. He would be cruel, mean as to never let the child know that he actually cared. The boy would hate him, yes, but at this point, Severus hardly cared.

He wondered why Lily had defended the child in the first place—why Voldemort would have spared her and she did not want to be. He wondered why the boy had survived the killing curse, and only had a scar on his forehead. He wondered why Lily had forgiven him that night, a little while before she had the baby, a year and a half before she was killed. He had not deserved it, she had told him before. But that was her nature. She was a kind woman, and he knew that she still loved him as well. It made his heart leap a little just to think about that, but he knew that her love for him was not like his love for her. She had just walked away from him.

He was in the cemetery, watching from a safe distance the funeral of Lily and James Potter. He had not been invited—but of course, he was a Death Eater, wasn’t he? Sirius Black and Remus Lupin were there, and they would have massacred Severus if they had seen him. Not to mention a large portion of the Order was there—maybe they did all know that he had turned spy for them, but that would not have stopped Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. The funeral was for friends only, and Lily and Severus were not friends.

He was crying. Tears were flying from his eyes, and he could hardly stand to watch. He was hiding behind a tree, watching from the back so he could barely see, which he supposed was better. It was emotional for him anyways. He could hear everyone crying as well, which covered up whatever anyone was saying for the couple and perhaps the baby if they had found its body. He did not know, and he could not see. He walked closer for a minute, stepping silently over to a person. He pulled out a single red rose from beneath his robes and placed it next to the feet of whomever it was he was near. He stepped away just as silently, and left the funeral. He could not stand being there any longer.

And he could have sworn that he heard Lily whisper in his ear, as he walked away, “You’re forgiven.�