Summary: HEY! Hey you!
Psssstttt! You have to help us!
It’s Tim the Enchanter, our fanfiction writer – HE’S GONE MAD! We’re just trying to live normal lives at Hogwarts, but
CRAZY things keep happening to us because he’s bored!
Please! Read our story and hear our plight! We need to bludgeon some sanity into our author – Oh no! HE’S AT HIS COMPUTER NOW!
NO! NOOO-
aaahhhh! Must resist! Resist… Gibber narg turnip turnip wibble antidisestablishmentarianism blubber gibber wop wop
bbluubbaaarrrggghhh!
Nominated for QSQ 2009, Best Humour.
Categories: Humor Fics Characters: None
Warnings: Alternate Universe, Character Death, Mild Profanity, Violence
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 9
Completed: Yes
Word count: 25021
Read: 40244
Published: 08/31/08
Updated: 01/22/09
Chapter VI: Happy, Happy Insanity! by Tim the Enchanter
Author's Notes:
Here it is â“ Chapter Six! Now the story gets genuinely crazy and perhaps plain DISTURBING in some places! As always, I do not own Harry Potter. Also, if you see anything that sounds like itâs from the movie Braveheart, I donât own that either! Furthermore, I would like to thank one or two of my friends for giving me some of the stranger ideas that appear in this chapter.
And I apologise in advance to any Welsh or Scottish people who happen to read this!
Tim the Enchanter
Chapter VI: Happy, Happy Insanity!
The Great Hall looked a little cleaner the morning after the Soviet assault the previous day. The bodies had been removed, the bloodstains washed away, and all the wooden and stone debris cleared up.
And as usual, the seven main protagonists of The Absurd Fanfic Revolution were seated at the Gryffindor table, drinking pumpkin juice and eating kippers for breakfast. Unlike before, they were in an unusually cheery mood â“ they basked in their own cleverness for that humiliating blow against the author. Even the fear of retaliation had subsided somewhat.
âSo, whatâs Tim going to throw at us next?â Zigmond said through a mouthful of toast. âNazis?â
âAn army of psychotic gorillas?â suggested Chris.
âNo no, I got it! Today weâll be fighting an army of psychotic gorilla Nazis!â synthesised Alice. She extended her arm in a mock Hitler salute, thumped her chest with the other hand, and went, âOoook! Oook! Oooga!â
They ignored the stares they were attracting with their impersonations of fascist primates â“ the tension had all but disappeared, for they had a good (if rather stupid and somewhat tasteless) laugh together. Funnily enough, wizarding children were largely ignorant of past Muggle dictatorships, but that little fact was ignored in this story. So too was Muggle cinema.
âI mean, how can you take Tim the Enchanter seriously?â John explained. âCommunists? Come on! Commies make horrible villains â“ what you need are NAZIS! Look at the Indiana Jones franchise â“ Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was a horrible movie! Why? âCause they had communists as the bad guys! Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Last Crusade were good movies, because for villains they had frigginâ NAZIS!â
Once the seven friends had come to their senses, they adopted a little more serious tone and saw to the castleâs defences. âSee anything yet?â Wat asked a nameless sentry posted on top of one of the walls. Every time he was answered with confirmation of no enemy activity whatsoever.
âItâs quietâŚâ Meagan observed dramatically. âToo quietâŚâ
âHey Meagan!â an obnoxious voice suddenly shouted. She whipped around and discovered that it was Chris: âWAAHHHAAAGGGHHHH! Bloobllbooblublublbbboobblublubllbubolb!â
She and everyone else who happened to witness that sudden, deranged outburst stared at him. Their eyes were wide like this: O_O
âWhat was that?â Meagan inquired incredulously.
âI donât know!â replied Chris energetically. âGib gib beep nargah beep bbluubbaaarrrggghhh! Hee hee hee!â
And he ran off, flapping his arms like some big flapping thing, screaming completely nonsensical things and basically making everybody feel uneasy.
âBy Merlin,â Meagan uttered in horror. âIt has begun!â
âWhat?â prodded Wat Tyler, now genuinely distressed.
âTHE ABSURDITY!â
Indeed it had. Muscle had failed during Timâs first strike. This second blow was aimed at their mindsâŚ
âHi, Jon!â somebody greeted John.
âItâs not âJon.â It has an âHâ in it.â he answered, highly annoyed.
âHello there, Jhon,â another passing person said.
âHow can you not spell my name right? Itâs âJ-O-H-N!ââ
âMorning, Jonathan!â
âITâS NOT âJONATHAN,â EITHER!â John exploded. He didnât bother taking his wand out and hexing the offender â“ he simply tackled him and punched and kickedâ“
Wat and Meagan dived in to rescue the hapless wrong-name-caller person. Two pairs of hands grabbed John and pried him off, still yelling things like: âHow-can-you-not-get-my-name-right-you-stupid-bastard?â
Chris was wreaking havoc, doing his best to drive everyone insane with a nonsensical chicken impression. When Meagan attempted to subdue him, he abruptly changed tactics and screamed, âTWO PLUS TWO EQUALS ELEPHANT!â
âNo itâs not! Itâs four!â corrected Meagan, also shouting because she hated stupidity and false information with a passion when she saw it.
âELEPHANT!â
âNO! FOUR!â
Wat couldnât help. When he tried dragging Meagan away from the crazy Chris, she shrugged him off (âDonât touch me!â she screamed) and mired herself in the advanced-mathematical debate of death. âLOOK! I HAVE TWO FINGERS, AND I PUT UP TWO MORE FINGERS! WHAT DOES THAT MAKE?â
âAN ELEPHANT!â Chris bellowed.
Meanwhile, Zigmond was with his pseudo-girlfriend, Alice. Unexpectedly, he announced proudly in a loud, clear voice: âI have one testicle!â
âOH. Er⌠thatâs nice,â Alice replied EXTREMELY awkwardly, unsure of what to say.
Zigmond nodded and smiled broadly⌠but then his face suddenly turned to stone. Mortified, he stammered, âIg-ignore what I just said! It wasnât me â“ the author made me say that! ITâS NOT TRUE!â
Or was it?
âExcuse me for a momentâŚâ he said as he ran off to one of the loos. Even though the bathroom door was closed shut, the scream of âNOOOOOOOO!â could be heard anywhere in the castle, even over the commotion of the atonal music that rattled the walls.
Alice was soon to have her own problems. Watching the chaos erupt around her, she anxiously ran her fingers through her hair⌠and discovered she didnât have any!
Unsure of what problem to confront, Wat tried his luck in comforting the distraught and recently bald Alice. âWell, itâs not like you have any actual physical description or anything â“ itâs all up to each readerâs and characterâs imaginations. Just pretend that you still have hairâ“â
âBUT I DONâT!â she sobbed uncontrollably. âIâm now officially UGLY!â
Thenâ“
âKiss me now, Wat Tyler!â said an irresistible, attractive feminine voice, smoother than velvet.
Wat turned around and his eyes beheld the wondrous sight of a spectacularly beautiful young woman. Her hair was a perfect, pristine sheet of silvery-blonde, and her sapphire-blue eyes sparkled like rays of the suns off the shimmering sea. She had a small, dainty, and adorable little nose, and her smile could have melted even the coldest hearts of depleted uranium, isotope U-238.
Down from her face, she was wearing silk, designer Hogwarts robes in brilliant Gryffindor colours, which displayed the perfect curves of her waist, hips, and dual upper-torso mounted lumpy things magnificently. Wat was simply paralyzed by the sight of the perfect embodiment of all of his depraved adolescent fantasies that he never knew he had until they were mentioned right now in this sentence.
âGugh⌠gghhâŚghghâŚâ he gurgled absurdly before he managed to find his voice and asked, âWho are you?â
Instantly, rose-scented tears swelled from the lovely eyes of the Aphrodite standing in front of Wat, which incredulously made her more attractive. She sobbed, âDonât you remember, Wat, my love? Iâm the American exchange student from Salem Witches Institute â“ Serenity Sapphire! Donât you recall how you were the only one to comfort me when I arrived and was sorted into Gryffindor, against the wishes of my adoptive Death Eater parents, the same people who murdered my real mother and father?â
âWait - WHAT?â Wat asked, for the ridiculousness of Serenity Sapphireâs statement had shaken him out of her beautiful aura magnet spell.
That only made her cry harder. Her heart broken, she wailed, âAngst angst! Donât leave me, Wat! Youâre the only one for me â“ my shining star! Angst!â
âNo! Get away from me!â Wat shouted, repulsed by Serenity Sapphireâs melodramatic gushiness. âI donât even know you!â
After taking a parting, longing stare at her gorgeous face and other features located a little lower on her body, Wat turned away and went back to the pressing matter of ending the chaos erupting around him.
âYOU BASTARD!â Johnâs voice barked. âMY NAME IS âJOHN!â NOT âJEAN,â YOU DAMN FRANCOPHILE!â
Once again, he was back to pummelling another inoffensive student who got his name wrong. Wat distanced himself from the irrationally perfect American exchange student girl and tried to restrain his friend.
âStop it, Johnny!â Wat urged.
âMY NAMEâS NOT âJOHNNY,â EITHER!â
And then the two of them got into a fightâŚ
The students werenât the only ones going mad or doing their best to kill each other. Professor McGonagall was beating up Professor Longbottom with the Sorting Ceremony stool while shouting, âTake that, you green, tree-hugging commie!â Also, the recently introduced OCs Sergeant Price and Reg Scott were engaged in a heated argument about broomsticks, even though the Muggle knew nothing about them.
âWhat are you talking about? The *Glisenti Falco 360* (sparkles!) is the best broom in the world, you moronic Muggle!â blurted the Auror. For proof, he consulted a magazine called âStick Itâ and pointed to the page featuring a scantily clad witch posing coyly with the said broomstick. The debate caught the attention of the other Aurors tasked to defend the school (and they werenât doing a very good job), and soon they entered the fight.
âNo, itâs the FIREBOLT!â one of the scarlet-clad figures declared as she delivered a haymaker to the traitor of Britainâs proud racing broom industry. The uppercut slammed into Regâs jaw and knocked him off his feet and onto his back. A student took the opportunity to steal the magazine that had fallen out of the Aurorâs hand.
More people started fighting over topics of no importance, like whether the moon really existed or not. An even greater number had simply devolved to lunacy â“ some stripped naked and danced, and others tried to discover the fabled Five Hundred Uses of Socks. Then there were the people who were sane, per say, but couldnât stand the sight of a story gone mad. They banged their heads against the walls, thinking that would help for some reason.
âLESBIAN VAMPIRE PORN!â Chris screamed at the top of his lungs as he ran through the Great Hall, waving the aforementioned magazine (âFanged Lezzie Lasses With Fine Tits and Arses!â) above his head. He was followed by an unruly mob of excited boys, and curiously enough, a few girls as well.
Back to Wat and Johnâs scuffle, Wat managed to knock his friend unconscious by hitting him on the head with a pineapple left over from breakfast. Looking around him, he was dismayed to see a scene that could only be described as pure, unadulterated pandemonium. He spied Meagan sitting on the floor with her knees up to her chin and a spaced-out expression on her face.
âMeagan! You have to help me sort out thisâ“â
âTwo plus two equals elephant,â she droned monotonously. âTwo plus two equals elephant. Two plus two equals elephant. Two plus twoâ“â
SLAP!
Wat didnât know why he did it and was immediately horrified that he did. The flat of his hand struck her cheek, causing her to tip over and lie sprawled on the ground. âOw! That hurt!â she moaned in pain.
His mind still panicking a bit, he seized her by the shoulders and yelled in her face, âQuick! Whatâs two plus two?â
âF-four?â she answered, and Wat Tyler sighed in relief. She blinked a few times and observed the chaos for herself in horror.
âMerlinâs pants! The whole of Hogwarts has gone mad!â she said, appalled.
Wat nodded vigorously. âTell me about it! At least no one has committed suicide or anythingâ“â
BANG!
A freshly-dead (and slightly decapitated) corpse with a Smith & Wesson 500 magnum revolver in its hand toppled from a banister and impaled itself on a gargoyle, which then broke off and landed on the floor, and then EXPLODED!
âGOOD GOD!â Wat and Meagan screamed simultaneously. That corpse wasnât the only student that somehow acquired a ridiculous Muggle firearm. Another person with a captured Soviet RPG-7 was screaming, âThere is no tomorrow! This chapter is the end!â and firing rockets at people.
BOOM! The rocket propelled grenade blasted a chunk out of the Slytherin table, spraying lethal wooden splinters into bystanders. âTAKE HIM OUT!â Wat shouted to the very few people who still had their senses about.
A volley of stunners rammed home, and the heavily armed student went down. âWE HAVE TO BRING EVERYONE TO ORDER, EVEN IF IT MEANS STUNNING EVERYONE IN THE CASTLE!â Wat commanded, and Meagan, Zigmond, and Bald Alice (tearfully) obeyed, wands drawn purposefully before them.
Harriet didnât. She was sitting in a corner, looking morose. âHarriet, whatâs wrong?â Wat asked her impatiently.
âIâve been ignored for the whole chapter! Iâm supposed to be part of The Absurd Fanfic Revolution, but I havenât been mentioned until now! WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SUCH A USELESS CHARACTER?â
That was easy to fix. Wat just shouted at her and told her to help clean up the mess, and that would probably give her some extra sentences later. Reluctantly, she agreed and joined in the massive civil war that had erupted in the middle of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Wat found John and revived him (âHey Wat â“ that bloody hurt!â), and got him working too. That only left ChrisâŚ
âHA HA HA HA! IâM A PENGUIN!â Chris bellowed. Rightfully thinking that he couldnât contribute anything useful, Wat stunned him.
Scattered here and there throughout the Great Hall were dead bodies â“ mostly students, but there appeared to be an Auror or two in there as well. Whether they were killed in a fight or committed suicide was completely unknown and not all that important. They were just dead.
In one far corner of the huge room, there was a student dressed in all black and was giving a speech from behind a pulpit (that had mysteriously appeared out of nowhere) like some kind of disturbed vicar. The keyword there was âdisturbed,â because written on the wall behind him dripped the words Avada Kedavra, written in blood.
ââŚWorship SATAN, the true owner of your souls! The Angel of Blackness loves the Harry Potter books and because we appear in this fanfiction, your souls have been so corrupted that we sinners are totally beyond saving â“ so let us embrace our evilness!â the demonic vicar preached. âKILL THE NONBELIEVERS!â
There was a furious three-way battle between the sane members and followers of The Absurd Fanfic Revolution, the Students of Darkness or whatever they were called, and those people who had just gone mad and attacked everyone in sight. Spells, chairs, goblets, bullets, and underpants (among other things) flew in all directions, striking down their luckless victims with cruel and oddly hilarious indifference.
âCYMRU AM BYTH!â a wild, red-haired girl proclaimed, spewing out buckets of phlegm just to pronounce that motto properly. In a terrifying sing-song voice, she urged, âWelsh witches and wizards of the world, UNITE! Down with the English!â
A kilted kiltie abruptly stopped playing his bagpipes and yelled at the Welsh students, âNo, weâs gohnna bash the English, yeh wee gowksh! Prepare for shtabbing wiff me claidheamh mòr!â
The mad Scot whipped out a huge claymore and some haggis, and he and his fellow highlanders charged. With mysteriously procured national flags and ethnic garb, the Welsh and Scottish Ăźber-nationalists slaughtered each other for the right to march their tiny armies south on London.
What had been a three-way battle quickly became five. There were shouts of pain, clangs of weapons, and blasts of spells. Battle cries like âBe like Satan â“ donât wear underpants!â and âThey may take our lives but theyâll never take our freedom! SCOTLAND â“ THE BRAVE!â filled the Great Hall. In short, the inhabitants of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry were slaughtering each other without any interference from the author at all.
Well, not really. He made them go insane to begin withâŚ
Suddenly, the Great Hall was filled with a brilliant light and the beautiful sound of an angelic chorus. Instantly, the absurd fighting came to a abrupt halt as all eyes centred on the gorgeous form of Serenity Sapphire, who called out in her silky, melodious voice, âPlease, stop fighting! Why canât we all like, just get along?â
Completely forgetting the battle, all the girls (except the newly uglyfied Alice) fawned over Serenityâs perfect hair and stunning looks, wishing that they could be half as lovely as she. The male combatants all turned into babbling idiots, and some shouted out, âMARRY ME, SEXY!â
But Serenity Sapphire shook her head, making her hair go swoosh!swoosh! perfectly like in those hair conditioner advertisements. With conviction, she said, âIâm sorry guys â“ youâre all very nice, but my heart belongs to Wat Tyler. Wat! Hug my gorgeous body with your dazzling arms!â
âHelp me!â Wat shouted to no avail as the Mary-Sue ran in his direction, with her hair billowing and her arms outstretched. She was closing in with the devastating inevitability of a runaway freight train.
âImpedimenta!â Wat yelled. The spell sort of worked â“ Serenity Sapphire was stopped, but not as if she had run straight into a brick wall. Instead, her feet daintily carried her to a halt an uncomfortably close distance from him. Again, sweet perfume-scented tears flowed from her deep ocean-blue eyes.
âWhy donât you love me, Wat?â she wailed dejectedly. âIs it because Iâm too perfect? Too beautiful? Angst angst!â
âNO! Itâs because youâre ruining the story and youâre getting on my nerves! Why the hell did Tim write you into this chapter?â
âSo I can tell you that I LOVE YOU!â Serenity Sapphire pronounced with heartfelt emotion. âI thought you LOVED me after I saved your life seven times earlier in the story â“ and Iâm pregnant with your baby!â
âWHAT?â Wat screamed in horror as Serenity charged again in a desperate attempt to embrace him and win his affection.
âEAT PINEAPPLE, TART!â John roared as he leapt in front of Wat, armed with a pineapple impaled on the end of a broken table leg, like some sort of firm and fruity mace. He delivered a furious, two-handed swingâ“
POW!
The Mary-Sue parried the pineapple weapon with the front of her gorgeous face, and she was smashed to the floor.
âChrist, she was annoying!â John declared as he threw the deadly pineapple bludgeoning stick to the ground.
âYes, she was,â Jesus agreed, and everyone nodded.
After a pause, John turned to the leader of the revolution and wryly asked, âSo Wat⌠what was it like?â
âWhat was what, like?â Wat queried, hoping John wouldnât say what he thought he was going to say.
âGetting Miss Sapphire pregnant, obviously!â he prodded (literally, with his elbow), enjoying the sight of Watâs face turning red. âYou lucky, lucky thing!â
In exasperation, Wat explained to his idiot friend that he did no such thing, for he had only just met her earlier in this chapter. Johnâs sceptical laughter was not encouraging, and Wat had a feeling that neither his friend nor the author were going to let this matter go away.
To change the subject, Serenity Sapphire was still ridiculously beautiful, even in death â“ her face was unmarked: no bruises, no blood. A small, lovely garden of flowers magically sprouted into bloom to mark the place on the floor where she fell.
âMy, how unbelievably sappy,â Meagan observed distastefully. âGood thing sheâs done with â“ this chapter was going seriously off track!â
âYeah!â a student wearing nothing but underpants said, shaken out of the dead Mary-Sueâs aura-spell. âWhat were we doing before she showed up? I canât remember.â
âWashnât there shome sort of battle or shomefink?â one of the kilted Scottish students supplied.
Seeing danger, Meagan hastily said, but a little too quickly, âNo there wasnât!â
âAh⌠YES there was...â another student refuted. âNow I remember! DIE PERSON THING! FEEL THE WRATH OF SATANâS UNDERPANTS!â
The boxer shorts went flying and smacked into a face. A volley of socks and spells fired back, and soon enough, the battle was once again in full swing.
More chaotic fightingâŚ
After another seventy-two paragraphs of mindless combat, some sixty-one million more people were dead, and countless more were wounded. The Satan-worshippers all ended up committing mass ritual suicide with toenail clippers, and the Welsh and the Scots had slaughtered each other to the last girl and boy. The totally unhinged students also exacted a grim toll on themselves and everyone around them â“ dead bodies, socks, and underpants were everywhere. The Absurd Fanfic Revolution eventually won the tangled, confused civil war in the Great Hall, but it was a Pyrrhic victory.
A second bloody step forward for our liberation, Wat mused unhappily at the sight of the countless dead that littered the castle. It was a complete waste â“ they had all fought together, united as one against the Soviets, but in this chapter, they died at each otherâs hands or even their own, all in a stupid fit of madness. The strike of the Mary-Sue had also threatened to destroy the story, almost warping it into tale of angst-filled romance.
How much more could the revolutionaries endure? Nobody knew, but there was only one thing that was clear â“ Tim the Enchanter would have to suffer for this.
âHey Wat â“ whatâs this I hear about you getting some girl pregnant?â asked Chris near the conclusion of this chapter.
Wat Tyler said nothing and merely fumed in private: Tim will definitely have to suffer for this.
BADLY.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.