*

‘Twas one enchanted evening,

when silv’ry Moon was new,

I tripped upon your flowing robes

and promptly lost my shoe.

*

It tumbled down the hillside,

completely out of sight.

My pretty sapphire slipper was

soon lost in darkest night.

*

‘Do not despair, bewitching lass,

I’ll bring it back to thee!’

These words you spoke so ardently,

a lover’s oath to me.

*

I thrilled at your devotion

to my bare naked foot.

You slipped it temporarily

in your own welly boot.

*

And off you dashed gallantly,

in welly boot and sock.

But you tripped, too, and hit your head,

upon a jagged rock!

*

‘Do not despair, bewitching lass,

I’ll bring it back to thee!’

I had not known that loving phrase

would be your last to me!

*

I wept beside your body,

upon that cursed hill.

Your perfect face and beefy arms

My heart no more would thrill.

*

And on the day I buried,

the one I loved so dear,

I came in welly boot and sock,

(Your mother thought it queer).

*

‘Do not despair, bewitching lass,

I’ll bring it back to thee!’

Ran through my head as your mum aimed

a Killing curse at me.

*

Her aim was true and steady,

I fell upon the ground.

I landed in the pile of earth

Beside your burial mound.

*

You’d think I would be happy,

existing as a ghost.

For with me now forever more,

is one I love the most.

*

‘Do not despair, bewitching lass,

For you are now with me.

And we shall haunt that cursed hill

For all eternity!’

*

I think I shall not tell him,

the reason for my gloom.

I saw his mother hauled away

for bringing me my doom!

*

So, winningly I smile at

my pearly see-through man.

He’ll never hear from me his mum

will rot in Azkaban!

*

*

My man walked out the other day

He left me for a hag

It Stunned me more than I can say

And then it made me gag.

Had she Disarmed him with a spell?

How did it come to this?

I can’t believe she stole his heart

With no more than a kiss!

*

Well, she can have him!

I will not waste

The gift of my undying love

On such a man (with such bad taste)!

*

For ten full days the pain was such

That I was quite unwell

I wept and sobbed so very much

My face began to swell

I had to take a Calming Draught

To stop the wails and snorts

But then I thought of her and laughed

I hope she gives him warts!

*

Oh, she can have him!

That rancid tart!

I hope she boils his eyes in oil

And spices it with his black heart!

*

These cheery thoughts did quite a bit

To help relieve the pain

Suddenly inspiration hit

And made me smile again

For in his haste to fly the nest

He’d left his things behind

I burned the robes that he loved best

Revenge hot on my mind!

*

Well, she can have him!

That (blank-blank)tute

Will have to clothe him head to toe

Now that I’ve left him destitute!

*

Such therapy did this afford

That I could not stop there

I sold his prized Quidditch league board

And his antique armchair

I posted Howlers to his boss

Pretending I was him

His poor employer was very cross

And hexed him limb from limb!

*

Oh, she can have him!

The shameless moo

Will need to bonk for Britain now

That she is working to feed two!

*

I saw them kissing in the park

It made me want to cry

I followed them both after dark

And hexed them on the fly

I hid behind the rambling rocks

And turned their skin bright green

Told healers they had dragon pox

Worst case I’ve ever seen

*

Well, she can have him!

Once he is cured

St Mungo’s treatments don’t come cheap

(And that green cad was not insured)!

*

Now I have had my sweet revenge

And justice has been served

My wounded pride I did avenge

They got what they deserved!

Oh, fickle men, when you betray

Your wives, it’s so unjust

But take heed of the price you’ll pay

For your unbridled lust

*

Oh, they can have you!

Those floozy tarts!

I hope they’re riddled with disease

That soon infect your manly parts!

*

Ba dum di dum, ba dum di dum,

Tra la la la la la!

Shoo doop di doop, shoo doop di doop,

Fa la la la la la!

(Repeat last verse to fade)

*

You put the Fire in whisky,

baby, you’re burning hot.

I’d like to fly into your arms

and show you what I’ve got.

*

Won’t you come over to see me?

You’ve made a big impact.

I’ll promise to be very good

(and leave your robes intact).

*

Oh, I would really like to

squeeze, thrill and excite you.

To make your heart go boom! boom! boom!

The way that you make mine do.

*

You put the Butter in my beer,

baby, you’re silky sweet.

I’d like to taste your creamy lips

and nibble at your feet.

*

Let’s take a stroll in the moonlight,

I’ll kiss you by the pond.

You’ve clearly cast a spell on me

with your enormous wand.

*

Oh, I would really like to

enrapture and delight you.

To make your heart go bang! bang! bang!

The way that you make mine do.

*

You put the Levi in corpus,

baby, you lift me high.

Just one touch from your perfect mouth

would make me swoon and sigh.

*

Now hold me tight in your arms dear

and make me lose my breath.

I give you full permission to

love-squeeze me half to death.

*

Oh, I would really like to

kiss, cuddle and love-bite you.

To make your heart go thump! thump! thump!

The way that you make mine do.

*

Oh, I would really like to

squeeze, thrill and excite you.

To make your heart go boom! boom! boom!

The way that you make mine do!

*