Gilderoy Lockhart stepped down from the carriage at the bottom of the front steps of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and looked around. He was disappointed no one was there to greet him, but he shrugged it off, thinking they just didn’t want to make a big fuss.

Of course he wouldn’t have minded the fuss, he lived for fuss. Stepping into the entranceway, he looked at the giant hourglasses storing and counting the House points, and made a mental note to keep Slytherin in the lead. Although, any student that showed enough hero worship would receive points too.

Glancing into the Great Hall, Gilderoy saw that it was deserted, so he took himself off toward the Headmaster’s office. Not one single teacher came out to welcome him as he walked through the school. He was starting to get a bit miffed about that.

Reaching Dumbledore’s office, he stood staring at the gargoyle for a moment before remembering the password.

“Oh, it’s lemon drop!� He proudly proclaimed and the gargoyle jumped aside.

Heading up the spiralling staircase, he took a moment to check his appearance in the mirror that was always in his pocket. Deciding he was still as handsome as ever, he winked at his reflection and put the mirror away just as the staircase came to a halt at the top.

Knocking and hearing, “Enter,� Gilderoy opened the door wide and stepped into the room with a flourish of his cape.

“Professor Gilderoy Lockhart at your service Headmaster. I have come to show young witches and wizards they too can conquer…� he broke off when Dumbledore gave him an amused look over his half moon glasses. “Yes, well anyway, I am here Headmaster.�

“Welcome Gilderoy, I hope you find your time here to be enjoyable. Your living quarters are behind your classroom. Please feel free to decorate them as you wish. The classroom also.� Professor Dumbledore smiled welcomingly and spread his hands expansively. “Is there anything you want to ask me?�

“I am going to need my class schedule, so I can plan my, erm, lessons.� Lockhart tried for some of his earlier bravado, but in the presence of Dumbledore it wouldn’t come.

Professor Dumbledore handed over a schedule and said, “You might want to familiarize yourself with your rooms and classroom before the students arrive tonight.�

“Absolutely right Headmaster.� Lockhart nodded and strode to the door.

“Oh, and Gilderoy?� Dumbledore caught him just as he was stepping out of the room.

Sounding slightly scared, Lockhart asked, “Yes?�

“Try for a few practical lessons, won’t you?� Dumbledore suggested.

“Sure, no problem,� Gilderoy sprinted down the staircase and all the way to his rooms.

Once there, he noticed the House Elves had unpacked his trunks, so he took out his wand and started to hang his numerous pictures and portraits. Keeping them in place with Sticking Charms, he soon had them spaced evenly around the mirrors he couldn’t live without.

Every mirror that went up had to be admired. Or rather his reflection in the mirror had to be admired. He spent several minutes on each one, moving a lock of hair each time to see which way looked the best.

Flashing his five-time award winning smile at one mirror, it said, “Looking fabulous as always!�

Finally deeming his rooms perfect, he moved into the classroom. Here he put up just as many portraits, and mirrors, but he also made sure his Order of Merlin, and his books were prominently displayed.

Looking at his watch, he noticed it was time for the Welcome Feast to begin, so with one last look in the mirror, he went down to the Great Hall.

The carriages could be heard as he crossed the entryway, so he quickened his steps and entered the Great Hall. Hurrying up to the Head Table, he noticed two of his colleagues were not there. Severus Snape and Minerva McGonagall were missing.

Professor McGonagall would be bringing in the first years for the Sorting, so he wasn’t upset about her absence, but Snape should be there. Hadn’t anyone told him Gilderoy Lockhart would be joining the Staff?

Professor Dumbledore waved him to his seat just as the students started to enter the Great Hall. The girls were whispering behind their hands and sitting forwarding their seats trying to gain his attention. Gilderoy smiled at them all and was warmed by the sighs from all over the room.

This is what I expected, Gilderoy thought in satisfaction, people who are happy to see me, and want to earn my attention.

Professor McGonagall brought in the first years then, and the Sorting began. Clapping politely for all of the children would cause his hands to chap, so he bestowed his five time award winning smile on them instead.

Professor Dumbledore gave a short tuck in speech, and the tables were filled with platters of food. As soon as the students turned their attention to the feast, Dumbledore and McGonagall left the Hall. Severus strode in soon after and with a disdainful look in Gilderoy’s direction, which Gilderoy was sure was just for show, took his seat and started eating.

Dumbledore returned just in time to give his real speech, where he gave out the usual start of term notices, and introduced the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Gilderoy stood and bowed slightly to the rest of the staff, and deeply to the students. Giving the Hall a wink, he re seated himself and basked in the glow of adoration coming from the female population of students.

Soon the students started filing out of the Hall, and Gilderoy overheard a conversation starting up between a few of the teachers. Harry Potter and some other boy apparently had flown a magicked car to school. Oh this won’t do. That boy could take some attention away from where it belongs. Firmly directed at me, Gilderoy mused silently, best to say something.

“Excuse me Professors,� he stepped into the conversation confidently, “I think this may be my fault.�

“And just how is it your fault that Potter and Weasley think the law does not apply to them?� Severus asked scathingly.

“I gave young Potter a taste of publicity. He was photographed with me at my book signing at Flourish and Blotts.� Lockhart pulled a face, “ I assume he wanted to make sure his return to school overshadowed my appointment as his teacher. Not that it could, but he had to try I suppose.�

The other Professors looked sceptical, but said only, “I’m sure.�

Returning to his rooms, Gilderoy checked his schedule for the next day. Seeing his first class was first year Hufflepuff and Ravenclaws, he decided to give a quiz to see how many of them had read his books yet, and how many of them retained the information they read.

Writing out a fifty-four-question quiz and then enchanting copies for all of his classes that week, took a fair amount of time. Seeing it was getting quite late, Gilderoy put on his lilac colored pajamas and a lilac colored dressing gown. Staring into the mirror, he noticed a few marks of fatigue. Not wanting to look tired the next day, he proceeded to make monkey faces at the mirror, with the accompanying sounds, “Aah, aah, ooh, ooh, eeh, eeh, aah, aah, ooh, ooh, eeh, eeh.�

Firming up the muscles in his face, by putting on the night cream potion to keep the elasticity in them and in his skin was the next step. Finally, the rollers to keep his hair from breaking if he happened to get it caught in his sleep. Turning out the lights, he crawled into his bed and was soon fast asleep, and dreaming about winning a sixth Most Charming Smile Award.

---

The first day of classes was the day Gilderoy Lockhart planned to show the other teachers, he was one they could count on in any situation. He stopped briefly in the Great Hall for a bracing cup of coffee, and headed out to help Professor Sprout with the Whomping Willow.

The tree had received quite a few breaks in it’s altercation with the boys and their car. So striding confidently toward Pomona, Gilderoy called out in a really loud voice, “My dear Professor, allow me to assist you!�

Professor Sprout turned quickly toward him, and missed seeing a branch heading for her knees. Being knocked over didn’t seem to bother her though. You couldn’t work with the plants she did without being knocked down a few times.

“Oh, Professor, I am so sorry! Let me help you up.� Lockhart started to reach for her hand, when another branch caught him in the middle of his back and knocked him right over the top of Professor Sprout. He somersaulted twice and came to rest on his back, hearing a snicker, he turned his head quickly to see Professor Sprout regaining her feet.

He stood quickly and pulled out his wand. Knowing several spells to make sure he was always looking his best, he murmured quietly while running his wand over his clothes, hair, and face. Thirty seconds later he looked as immaculate as ever.

Professor Sprout was magicking bandages onto the higher branches, and trying to ignore the interruption. “Mind you don’t get them too tight.� Gilderoy instructed, “Whomping Willows will shake them off if they are too tight.�

Disgruntlement showed on her face, but she politely said through gritted teeth, “Thank you Professor, your help is most appreciated.�

“Not at all Professor,� Lockhart said as they headed for the greenhouses.

**“Oh, hello there!� he called, beaming around at the assembled students. “Just been showing Professor Sprout the right way to doctor a Whomping Willow! But I don’t want you running away with the idea that I’m better at Herbology than she is! I just happen to have met several of these exotic plants on my travels…�

**Greenhouse three today, chaps! Said Professor Sprout, who was looking distinctly disgruntled, not at all her usual cheerful self.

**�Harry! I’ve been wanting a word—you don’t mind if he’s a couple of minutes late, do you, Professor Sprout?�

**Judging by Professor Sprout’s scowl, she did mind, but Lockhart said, “That’s the ticket,� and closed the greenhouse door in her face.

**“Harry,� said Lockhart, his large white teeth gleaming in the sunlight as he shook his head, “Harry, Harry, Harry.�

**Completely nonplussed, Harry said nothing.

**�When I heard—well, of course, it was all my fault. Could have kicked myself.�

**Harry had no idea what he was talking about. He was about to say so when Lockhart went on, “Don’t know when I’ve been more shocked. Flying a car to Hogwarts! Well, of course, I knew at once why you’d done it. Stood out a mile. Harry, Harry, Harry.�

**It was remarkable how he could show every one of those brilliant teeth even when he wasn’t talking.

**�Gave you a taste for publicity, didn’t I?� said Lockhart. “Gave you the bug. You got onto the front page of the paper with me and you couldn’t wait to do it again.�

**“Oh, no, Professor, see—“

**“Harry, Harry, Harry,� said Lockhart, reaching out and grasping his shoulder. “I understand. Natural to want a bit more once you’ve had that first taste—and I blame myself for giving you that, because it was bound to go to your head—but see here, young man, you can’t start flying cars to try and get yourself noticed. Just calm down, all right? Plenty of time for all of that when you’re older. Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking! ‘It’s all right for him, he’s an internationally famous wizard already!’ But when I was twelve, I was just as much of a nobody as you are now. In fact, I’d say I was even more of a nobody! I mean, a few people have heard of you, haven’t they? All that business with HE-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!� He glanced at the lightning scar on Harry’s forehead. “I know, I know—it’s not quite as good as winning Witch Weekly’s Most-Charming-Smile Award five times in a row, as I have—but it’s a start, Harry, it’s a start.

**He gave Harry a hearty wink and strode off.

There, that ought to make him think twice about stealing my thunder again! Gilderoy thought as he strode quickly to his first class.

Stepping into the classroom, Gilderoy noticed all of the first years sitting nervously in their seats. Smiling at them, he introduced himself and started handing out the quizzes he had made up the night before.

Not one single student answered all of the questions correctly, but a few of them managed to get some correct. Standing at the front of the class, Gilderoy said, “I would like to give you the opportunity to ask any questions you wish answered. We will endeavour to answer them as a class, unless it is about me, and then I will answer to the best of my ability.�

Hands hit the air very quickly, so pointing to a girl in the first row, Lockhart said, “Yes, What would you like to know?�

Very shyly, the girl asked, “How did you survive all of those horrible things in your books? Weren’t you terrified?�

“Of course I wasn’t terrified!� Lockhart boomed, “After you have been through seven years education here, and more importantly, been taught by me, you will be more than capable of doing something about half as dangerous as what I have done.� Smiling and showing off a bit, he drew his wand and flourished it wildly.

Another girl raised her hand, and when called upon, she asked, “Did you find writing the book Gilderoy Lockhart’s Guide to Household Pests, a bit tame after writing some of your other books?�

Gilderoy looked at her and noticed the Ravenclaw emblem on her robes, trust one of the brainy ones to ask me something like that. “No, I know not everyone will find a werewolf in their front room, but they might find some doxies, or maybe even a Puffskein. I try to write for the everyday witch or wizard too, not just the ones who are exceptionally gifted like myself.�

The questions flew back and forth for the rest of the class, and not once did any of the students ask something about anything other than Gilderoy Lockhart, and his life. Counting his first class a success, he assigned a two foot essay on the question and answer portion of their first class.

Heading to the Great Hall for lunch, Gilderoy thought about cancelling the pixies he had scheduled for the next class, but decided he would wait to see how the students reacted to the test, and how many of the second years could answer all of the questions.


The second class of the day didn’t go as well as planned. The pixies tried to make him look foolish, but he ducked out while asking the three students left in the room to nip them back into the cage.

Barricading himself in his rooms, Lockhart called for a House Elf and ordered dinner on a tray. Not wanting to face the other teachers, or the Headmaster after that horrible class, he planned to go to bed early, and maybe, just maybe, the second day would be easier. He consoled himself with the fact that by the end of the year, nothing would faze him, and the first day would only be a distant memory.