Summary: Imagine you live a broken life, with no one to love, no hope of rescue. Then imagine that you have a chance to escape your personal hell...This is the story of Seirian Macnair, twin sister of [Executioner] Walden Macnair, a damaged seventeen-year-old girl from a horrible home. Sent to Hogwarts to get her out of the way, Seirian will learn a lot more than just more magic...she will have the chance to live a life she only heard of...a happy one. That is, until she realizes that her happiness might also mean her death, and the death of the one person closest to her...(MWPP)
QUOTES
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"I wanted to know why I'm not allowed to go Hogwarts, and Walden is..."
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To my own distant surprise, I was overjoyed when I smashed my head on the edge of the bottom stair and sank into blissful darkness…
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I didn't know how to care anymore.
*cough* And any author certainly appreciates some kindly reviews, eh, you guys? Come now, brighten my day, dears.
7/25/05: IT'S NOT DEAD YET!!! :) Oh em gee, an update?! I hear you cry. Go ahead, have a blast. New readers welcome!
Categories: Other Pairing Characters: None
Warnings: Abuse, Sexual Situations
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 10
Completed: No
Word count: 43731
Read: 25347
Published: 01/02/05
Updated: 07/25/05
1. Prologue: Fury by MoonysMistress
2. Chapter 1: Change by MoonysMistress
3. Chapter 2: Knowledge by MoonysMistress
4. Chapter 3: Interest by MoonysMistress
5. Chapter 4: Bravery by MoonysMistress
6. Chapter 5: Resentment by MoonysMistress
7. Chapter 6: Grace by MoonysMistress
8. Chapter 7: Shame by MoonysMistress
9. Chapter 8: Agony by MoonysMistress
10. Chapter 9: Resignation by MoonysMistress
Prologue: Fury by MoonysMistress
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but Seirian and the plot. Everything else is Jo Rowling's. (I made up the names of a couple characters, and their personalities, but undoubtedly not the characters themselves. You'll see.)
~*~
"Seirian Macnair!"
Smack.
I let out an involuntary whimper at the cruel blow I received from my father. The ruler's sting sharpened when I moved my hands to inspect the wounds. The backs of my hands were an eye-smarting shade of red, and the smack had reopened several old wounds, which were now trickling delicate streams of blood.
I managed to tear my gaze away from my injuries and stared up into the angry face above me. The blue eyes, so like mine in color, but utterly different in their expression and shape: cunning and narrow, cruel and full of hatred, directed at me.
That's usually how it is in my house.
"Stupid chit, are you actually going to try the spell or not?" my father, Nero Macnair, growled. "Do it."
I tried to ignore the pain and raised my wand, aiming it at the quite innocent toadstool in front of me. Whoever thought turning a toadstool into a toad on a stool would make life easier was horribly, completely wrong.
Gamely, I muttered a few words and waved my wand at the mushroom. To my surprise, it worked. The amphibian gazed up at me beadily and croaked.
My father inspected my work, then rounded on me and slapped me across the face. "That's a bloody frog! And did I not specifically say a three-legged stool, not four?" His face was red and contorted with rage.
I carefully rubbed my stinging face and fought to remain calm. "I'm sorry, sir," I said quietly.
"You damn well better be," he snarled viciously. He checked his watch and paled a bit. "It's lunchtime. Get out of my sight."
He was letting me out early. Must be meeting with one of his 'clients,' I thought wryly. Quiet and innocent as I seemed, I picked up on more than anyone suspected, and knew my father was a shady character.
Not, I thought bitterly, that it takes a genius to realize that. It's easy to see that my father is an utter tyrant.
I turned to leave, but stopped, braced myself, and faced my father again. "Sir, may I ask a question?"
"Make it quick."
"Sir, I–I was just wondering a-about something, and I, um…"
"Fast!" he roared, his temper already flaring.
"I wanted to know why I'm not allowed to go Hogwarts, and Walden is," I spat out desperately.
Seeing the expression on his face, I suddenly wanted to be far, far away.
He started walking towards me slowly, a dangerous, predatory sway. "You want to know why you can't go to Hogwarts, and Walden can."
A statement. I nodded hesitantly, swallowing a lump in my throat and tensed to bolt.
"I'll tell you why," he continued, in a soft, almost pleasant voice.
I knew then that I was in deep trouble.
"You're not allowed to go to Hogwarts because Dumbledore is a useless, worthless, and utterly gormless old idiot. A disgrace to wizardkind. The headmaster of an environment that I would not put a weak, easily-influenced female — " he spat out the word as if it tasted rancid " — into. My children must remain untainted by Mudblood worship. And Walden is only there to be my eyes, my ears, my source of…new recruits."
I didn't ask who he was recruiting, and for what.
"Oh. I see," I murmured politely.
"I see, sir!" he screamed suddenly, and violently backhanded me across the face, so hard that I flew backwards out of the open door.
The stairs were right outside the door.
My foot caught on the edge of the landing, and desperately I tried to regain my balance. It was no use. I continued to plummet backwards, headfirst, down the stairs, bumping and jarring and adding even more pain to my already battered body.
To my own distant surprise, I was overjoyed when I smashed my head on the edge of the bottom stair and sank into blissful darkness…
~*~
"Seiri?"
The cool trickling of water on my aching head awoke me, and I forced my throbbing eyelids to open. I stared at my mother above me, who gazed back at me uncertainly. My mother is nowhere near as heartless as my father, but she's also not really sure how to be a mother.
I sat up with some effort. I was in my bed, in my room. The dingy walls and somber surroundings were my own.
I turned to my mother again, who was sitting tensely, ready to bolt should I start crying, or worse, try to hug her. "Why does he hate me?" I asked drearily, knowing that she would not be able to answer the question. I asked this every time he injured me like this.
And, as usual, my mother's face closed up, and she rose, backing toward the door. "I-I can't answer, I don't know…" And she was gone.
And I was alone. Again.
I gingerly got to my feet, wincing as they touched the cold floor, and hobbled to my mirror to take stock of my injuries.
A bruised face greeted me. There was a red welt on one pale cheek from when he slapped me, and a long, ugly bruise from his brutal blow on the other.
Without the marks, my face might have been pleasant. I would never be pretty: my face was too round, nose too long, complexion too pale. My hair cascaded to my shoulders in soft, dark-auburn curls, more brown than red. My eyes, huge and dark blue, made me appear more innocent than I actually was.
Across my left temple was a puckered white scar from when my father threw a paperweight at me when I was nine. I dodged in time for it only to leave an open cut. Had my reflexes been any slower, it would have undoubtedly killed me. Across my jaw on the same side was another long scar from when he had backhanded me with his large signet ring on his finger.
There was a mark on my neck from when my father's friend had held a knife to my throat last year. And around my neck, like a collar, was a never-fading series of bruises from when my father nearly strangled me, because it was, according to him, my fault that his friend had threatened me so.
I lived a damaged life.
Sighing, I sat on my bed again, brooding. My twin brother, Walden, was to return home from Hogwarts in two weeks, enjoying a summer holiday, whereas I would be schooled throughout the course of the entire summer.
I wasn't sure whether I was happy that my brother was coming home or not. We had once been close, but every year we grew further apart, until he barely talked to me. I was afraid he would soon begin take my father's side.
Dreamily, I thought about his tales of Hogwarts. Oh, to live a life in which I didn't have need to fear anything! I didn't know what that was. I could barely imagine it.
I thought of the four Houses of Hogwarts, and what the stood for: brave Gryffindor, wise Ravenclaw, cunning Slytherin, and caring Hufflepuff.
My mouth quirked wryly. I didn't belong anywhere. I was not brave — if I was, I would have stood up to my father long ago. Besides, an oppressed life had gradually made me quiet and shy. I was not particularly intelligent, nor was I stupid. I feared I was not shrewd enough to be in Slytherin.
And Hufflepuff? Caring Hufflepuff?
In the silence of my room, I started laughing bitterly.
I didn't know how to care anymore.
Chapter 1: Change by MoonysMistress
Disclaimer: Yadda yadda, I'm not J.K. Rowling, I take no credit for her genius, etc. The lyrics at the end are courtesy of Taking Back Sunday, the song "This Photograph Is Proof (I Know You Know)."
~*~
My father died three weeks later.
The doctors and investigators never did figure exactly how he died: was it a heart attack, conniption, aneurysm? All we knew when we walked into his study and saw him sitting back, dark blood pouring from his nose and mouth and his cold blue gaze fixed unseeingly on the ceiling, was that he was dead. And that was all I needed to know.
I didn't want to go to the funeral, but my brother made me. Walden, who looked so like me, yet so different. His hair was darker even than mine, his eyes narrow like my father's were and slate-gray instead of blue, his face not so round. But the same mouth, same nose, same eyebrows, same chin.
He, unlike me, had no scars.
"Seirian," he had said to me coldly when I stared down at my one black dress in distaste, "you must go. Think of the disgrace it would be to the family name."
"This name is already a disgrace to me," I had hissed, glaring.
Walden had grabbed me roughly by the shoulder. "You're going if I have to drag you there myself, and no more of this nonsense about blaspheming our family name!" And then he had left.
Which was why now I stood in front of the coffin, watching it sink into the ground, an act far more peaceful than any my father had committed in life.
"No more," I whispered to myself as it disappeared from my sight. "No more will you hurt me. Go to hell where you belong."
There was a reception at my house after. I sat in a corner, bored, watching everyone else mingle. There were several teenagers my age there, but I didn't want to talk to any of them. They were all huddled in a group: a tall, exceedingly handsome blond boy was deep in discussion with an equally beautiful blonde girl. Both my brother and a boy I knew to be Rodolphus Lestrange were vying for the attentions of a raven-haired girl who resembled the blonde in the same way I resemble Walden: one can tell that we're related, but that's where the similarities end. Two boys were standing together, looking more like mountains than sentient humans. A greasy-haired, sallow-faced young man was idly conversing with another boy his own age. I knew there were others too, but I didn't know where.
The only person who appeared to be as bored as I felt was a teenage boy my own age who sat in another corner, gazing moodily into a glass of water, as if wishing it would turn into something else more savory. He himself was even more handsome than the blond boy: his thick, rather long black hair fell into his alert blue-grey eyes and half obscured his perfectly-featured, ivory-white face. I would have gone to talk to him, but was far too shy. Instead, I tried to catch his eye, but he remained obstinately staring into his mug.
"Excuse me." A large, formidable woman sat in the chair next to mine and stared down her nose at me. "Is this seat taken?"
"No, ma'am," I said, gazing up at her wildly and desperately racking my brain for some excuse to leave.
Before I could, she settled herself and asked me, "What's your name, girl?"
Steeling myself for sympathy, I answered, "Seirian Macnair, ma'am."
"I'm sorry for the untimely death of your father," she said. Her tone was nice enough, for her, but her eyes remained flinty and devoid of any such sentiments.
Outwardly, I nodded dumbly. Inside, I screamed, It wasn't untimely, he's long since had it coming, you fool!
"You don't go to Hogwarts, do you?" she queried disinterestedly.
"No, ma'am, my father taught me at home."
"Ah. Fine of him to give up his time like that, but keeping you home like that was going a bit too far, if I do say so myself. It's made you somewhat subservient, if you don't mind my saying. My sons go to Hogwarts," she informed me.
Even if I didn't like your saying it, that's obviously not going to stop you, I thought rebelliously. "Really?" I said, as pleasantly as I could.
"Yes. Regulus is over there, fine boy he is, pride of my heart." She gestured at the knot of teens.
When she did not continue, I ventured, "Ma'am? I thought you said 'sons.' Who is your other son?"
A look of disgust crossed her face, although, I gathered, not at my expense. "Oh, yes," she said slowly, in an altogether different tone of voice. "Sirius. He's over there in the corner." She nodded curtly at the handsome boy.
"Oh, I see, ma'am," I replied uncertainly.
"He's a disgrace," she told me in ringing tones that I thought, cringing, would carry to his ears. "He's in Gryffindor." She said it as if it was a curse.
"I see, ma'am." I couldn't understand what was so terrible about Gryffindor, but I didn't want to ask.
The woman cast me a cold glance, then turned back in the direction of her son. "Worthless, a waste of time and space." She was nearly yelling by now.
The young man jerked his head up, as a dog does when it's heard a rabbit rustling around behind it, then relaxed when he realized it was only his mother. Rolling his eyes — I envied his carefree defiance — he sauntered over us. "Talking about me again?" he asked. I caught from merely these four words a hint of mischief.
She stood up, pointedly ignoring her son. "I'm sorry, Miss Macnair, but I must leave to find…other company. I'm sorry about your father. And if I were you, I would seek better accompaniment elsewhere as well." And with that, she left without a backward glance.
I felt my cheeks heating up, and tried to hide my face. When I blush, I do so furiously and without abandon.
Sirius, not meeting my eyes, said quite grimly, "I apologize for my mother leaving us in this highly awkward situation, and also her general lack of tact."
"It's no matter," I responded quietly and politely, staring at my hands. "If you wish to, you can go."
Sirius finally looked into my face. "Do you want me to?"
I gazed up at him, trying to discern any ulterior motives. "I don't want you to have to stay here against your will."
Sirius seemed to reflect on this, then sighed and sat down in his mother's vacated seat. "I daresay you're better company than the corner," he explained, grinning winsomely.
I smiled a bit at that.
His smile faded, and abruptly, he said, "I'm sorry about your father."
"Don't be," I muttered, my own smile disappearing.
A glimmer of commiseration, and a bit of hope, lit his face. "You didn't like your father?"
I sighed and said, "Let's just say we didn't have a very loving relationship, which included a lot of pain on my part. Of course, no one here is allowed to know that from me, or I'd disgrace the family name."
Sirius chuckled. "True enough. I hate my family, and they all know it, so it doesn't really matter what I say. They hate me, too," he added, rather proudly.
"I'm sure they don't," I murmured.
"Oh, no, they out and out despise me," he contradicted cheerfully. "In fact, I ran away last summer, and they were only be angry because they thought I was an ungrateful brat." Catching the shocked expression on my face, he asked, "Why would you want to be loved by this lot? They don't really care for anything at all, mind you, but say they could love. Wouldn't that make you just as bad as they are, to be loved by them? You'd have to have done something nasty to make them have any appreciation for you."
He had a point, I reflected. But I shrugged. "I just want people to like me," I told him in a small voice.
Sirius stared at me hard. "You remind me a great deal of my friend Remus."
"Remus?" I repeated. "It's a, er…interesting name."
"So is Seirian," Sirius shot back playfully. "What ethnicity is that, anyway?"
So is Sirius. "It's Welsh," I informed him. "My mother liked it."
"I see." He fiddled with his empty cup for a bit, then blurted out, "Why don't you go to Hogwarts?" His face turned red and mortified, and he added, "Not that you have to answer, I'm so sorry, Seirian — "
I interrupted him gently. "Sirius, it's all right. And call me Seiri, please."
Sirius smiled, relieved. "You really are like Remus. James would punch me in the head for being so insensitive."
I wasn't sure how to respond to that. Friends? What were they? Instead, I just said stupidly, "My father homeschooled me. He – he didn't want me going to Hogwarts."
Sirius made a face. "That's a load of…manure. Dumbledore isn't contagious. And if he was, it would make the wizarding world a much better place."
I frowned confusedly. I had been told all my life that Dumbledore was a bad man, a horrible person who was leading my world into decline. And Sirius, one of the first reasonable people I'd ever met, was telling me he was improving us?
Who to believe?
"Miss Macnair, pay the botheration no mind."
The harsh voice snapped me back to reality, and I saw Mrs. Black and my mother staring down at the two of us.
"Miss Macnair, how old are you?" Mrs. Black asked.
"Seventeen," I replied, rather curiously. "I just turned so a few weeks ago." Two days before my father had sent me flying down the stairs.
Mrs. Black turned to my mother. "She has only this one year to go to Hogwarts. Surely you cannot say no? I will make sure she is looked after. It's a difficult time to be stepping in, because of the N.E.W.T.s, but she can handle it." Mrs. Black glared at me, probably angry because I wasn't as nasty to Sirius as she would have liked me to be. "Can't you?"
I nodded desperately, silently pleading my mother, who refused to meet my hopeful eyes. "Mother, I could do it," I begged. "Honestly."
She sighed helplessly, obviously feeling trapped by Mrs. Black's words and my entreaty.
"After all, Julian, who will teach her, now that her father is gone?" Mrs. Black continued. I raised my eyebrows at her terms, but said nothing.
My mother's green eyes widened. Clearly, she had never thought of this. "Well…I suppose…that is, we'll have to ask the Headmaster, but if he has no objections…"
I couldn't contain myself, and jumped up, flinging my arms around her rigid form. "Oh, Mother, thank you!" I gasped. Those assembled around us began murmuring agitatedly, saying thing like, "So soon after her father's death too!" "Most unseemly at a funeral!"
My mother struggled away from my embrace, a horrified expression on her face. "Seirian, control yourself!" she hissed frantically. I stepped away, hurt and retreating into my shell again. I was aware of Sirius frowning concernedly out of the corner of my eye, but I would not look up at him.
My mother saw him. "Oh, Sirius. What brings you here? I had thought…" Her eyes darted to Mrs. Black, who looked highly affronted and walked away with great dignity.
He shrugged easily. "My cousin Andromeda passed the news to me, and I thought I'd come to…er, grieve."
Liar, I thought amusedly. Putting my embarrassment aside, I leaned over and whispered, "Why did you really come?"
"To annoy my mother," he whispered back, grinning. "Also…well, Andromeda sent me an invitation via the Potters, and they insisted I come. Thought it might seem terribly indecent to refuse a funeral invitation. They're proper like that."
We sat down again, and I asked, "What's Hogwarts like? Is it as wonderful as they say it is?"
"Better. Don't worry, the Marauders will make sure your first, last, and only year at Hogwarts is one to remember," he assured me, winking. I could almost see wheels turning in his head, but I didn't want to ask what he was thinking about.
"The Marauders?" I repeated timidly.
"My group of friends," he explained happily. "Best people to ever walk the sod, mark you."
"But…you're in Gryffindor. I-I have to be in Slytherin."
Sirius gave me a long look, then broke his gaze and muttered, "Right…if you want to end up like your father."
I drew a deep breath. "Slytherin's like that?"
Sirius gestured vaguely around the room, taking in everyone. "How many people here do you like?" he inquired, seemingly off-topic.
I thought, but only for a moment. "None."
"They were all in Slytherin, every last one of them. Pray, instead, that you're not in Slytherin. From talking to you, you should probably be in Hufflepuff."
I stifled a laugh. "Because I'm polite?"
He nodded.
"That means nothing. Even I know that. I don't belong in Hufflepuff. Not with such…such hate inside me."
Sirius gazed at me levelly, then nodded. "You're right. Somehow, I can't see you in Hufflepuff. How are you at schoolwork?"
"Not that great," I admitted.
"Well then, Ravenclaw is right out. That leaves only Gryffindor, and you belong there, if I do say so myself."
I couldn't stop a sardonic snort. "Right. I'm brave. That's why I always speak up for myself, and people never walk all over me, and I'm never sweet and quiet and polite."
Sirius raised an eyebrow. "On the contrary, my dear. I would have broken under seventeen years of beatings, as it seems you've had to deal with. You survived."
I drew in a breath to contradict him, then stopped. He was right. I never thought of my toleration as brave, but put in that light…I had survived, somehow.
Sirius smiled at the dawning comprehension on my face. "Ticket straight to Gryffindor, Seiri," he murmured.
He glanced at the timepiece over our mantle and made a face. "I was supposed to be home twenty minutes ago. And frankly, though you're a sweetie, Seiri, I've had enough of this lot."
"I understand," I agreed wryly. "I'm sorry you have to leave, though," I told him frankly, on impulse.
He grinned, then very gallantly — in a highly fake way — bent over my hand and kissed it, light goatee scratching my hand. "Try to go on without me." He winked at me.
I hope he's not flirting with me, I thought frantically. That would just ruin everything. Beautiful and charming as he was, I didn't feel at all attracted to him.
I realized just then that he had already gone, and again, I was surrounded by strangers.
~*~
We moved to my grandfather's house within a week: my family couldn't afford the large manor we had been living in. Also within a week, Dumbledore sent a letter to my mother, saying he would be delighted to welcome me to Hogwarts, and would make sure my year would be pleasant one. I was reminded of Sirius.
My harsh grandfather sneered at the letter, ripped it to little pieces, and burned it, as if he couldn't even stand to a sheet of parchment that had once had Dumbledore's hands on it in the house. Then he turned to me, glaring under his bushy gray eyebrows. "Listen to me, girl, and listen well. You get into Slytherin, or else you'll not be welcomed back into this house ever again."
I nodded, trapped. I knew in my heart that, no matter how much I wanted my family to like me, I would rather have Sirius and his friends accept me, and if that meant being in Gryffindor and being cast out of my family, then so be it.
Walden took my aside one night in July and spoke to me sternly, and I suddenly realized how like our father he was: dominating, abusive of power, and destined for a bad end.
"Seirian, I want you to listen to me." He couldn't even call me Seiri anymore. "You must be Sorted into Slytherin. Think of the shame to the family."
I watched him pace the room irritably with cool eyes. "I will do my best, brother," I informed him in a pleasant monotone.
He whirled and strode over to me, grabbing a handful of my collar, and pulled my face close to his. I could see a vein throbbing in his forehead, seeing it pulse with the movement of his rapid, angry heartbeats. "You'll not just try, you stupid wench," he hissed. "You will do it."
I stared up at him, face contorted with horror. "My God, Walden," I whispered, hanging limply in his hold. "Don't you see what you've become? You're becoming our father."
Walden stared at me, eyes hard under the thick, arched brows so like mine. Without saying a word, he flung me to the floor, bruising my side, and left me there.
I crawled to my bed, trying not to wince at the pain. I lifted my shirt and saw an ugly, purple-green bruise spreading over my left side.
I sighed and used my rapidly-burning candle — no underage magic outside of school, I remembered with relish — to heat a pad of cloths. Then I held them to my side. The gentle warmth relaxed me, allowed my eyes to close.
I would never be free of my father's curse. I knew that much. But perhaps, with this prospect in front of me, I could have a new beginning.
~*~
Drop everything
Start it all over
Remember more that you'd like to forget…
Chapter 2: Knowledge by MoonysMistress
Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling, and I do not try to take any credit for her characters, or any ideas I got from clues, and...well, you get the picture. Nor am I part of Taking Back Sunday or THE WONDERFUL Switchfoot. The lyrics, in order of the appearance, are from "A Decade Under the Influence" and "This Is Your Life", respectively.
~*~
Towards the middle of August, I visited Diagon Alley for the first time in my entire life. Strange, how a girl from a prestigious wizarding family had never been to Diagon Alley, the center of all wizard-kind. Yet my father had never seen fit to ever bring me there, and my mother certainly never would have, even if she did have the time for me.
The sights and sounds of the wizarding world filled my senses as I stepped through the brick portal into the long, winding street. I gazed, half-frightened, at the shops around me while Walden towed me along by my sleeve.
"Where are we going?" I asked breathlessly as he pulled me along.
"Got an errand first," he muttered, scowling.
We took a left turn at the end of the street along a small byway that bore the name 'Knockturn Alley.' It was dark and gloomy, and I felt the sensation of being watched by a million eyes. I shuddered and pulled my coat closer around me.
"What exactly is this errand?" I prodded Walden, wending my way through the leering crowd and trying to keep up with him.
"Meeting some friends in a shop," he snapped. "Shut up and just follow me."
I decided it would be wisest to indeed keep my mouth shut.
We entered a shop that bore the legend "Borgin and Burkes" over it. The atmosphere inside it was chill, gloomy, and above all, dark.
Walden hurried over to a group of boys our age who were gazing wistfully at some object near the back of the shop. I was afraid to ask what it was. He introduced me to them: Lucius Malfoy, the handsome blond; Rodolphus Lestrange, the dashing boy who, much to my displeasure, I already knew; Regulus Black, Sirius's brother, who I instantly disliked; and Severus Snape, the greasy-haired boy, who watched me constantly through hooded black eyes. He especially gave me the creeps.
I didn't speak to any of them after that, only hovered near the door of the shop, trying to avoid the stares of both Severus and Mr. Borgin. Once, the boys glanced at me and erupted in laughter. I stared at the floor and bit my nails nervously. Eventually, my brother left, taking me with him.
I barely remembered what happened the rest of the day, although I do distinctly recall buying my new wand (11 inches, rosewood, phoenix feather core). The rest was unimportant to me.
I came home with not only new shopping purchases, but a new understanding of who, exactly, I could meet at Hogwarts.
~*~
To hell with you and all your friends
To hell with you and all your friends, it's on…
~*~
The morning of September 1st dawned sunny and clear, just like a fairytale. This should have been an auspicious omen for me. Unfortunately, I'd known for too long that just because a day happened to have bright weather didn't mean it was going to bring any glad tidings. It had never happened to me, anyway.
Nevertheless, I was excited enough to jump out of bed, dress carefully in clothing that my family had deemed appropriate, ready my trunk, and clamber down the stairs to eat my breakfast.
We were to arrive at King's Cross station by hired Ministry cars — not technically hired, for the Minister of Magic sent them to us as sympathy gift for the death of my father. I was rather repulsed by that thought, but thrilled over the cars. I'd never been in one before.
The cars arrived at the station at 10:45. I hopped out of the car and watched Walden fit our trunks into the trolleys so we could cart them along, feeling more like seven than seventeen. I nearly felt like smiling, and wondered if I'd see Sirius on the train.
My mother made no move to leave the car, only looked out at us apprehensively. "Well…Walden, you know what to do. Watch after your sister. Don't get in trouble. And Seirian, have fun." And with that, she was gone.
"Come on," Walden growled, grabbing his trolley and lugging it after him.
I followed him, keeping side of his dark brunet head as it bobbed through the crowd. Not once did he look back to see if I was still following.
I glanced at my ticket once we stopped. I'd heard of this Platform 9 and 3/4 before, back when my brother and I still got along decently, and was anxious to try my turn at it. This isn't a game, I chided myself.
Walden waved a hand dismissively, searching the crowd for any of his friends. "You know what to do, Seirian. Don't make a fuss."
Casually, I walked up to the barrier between Platforms 9 and 10, and leaned against my cart nonchalantly, my composure not betraying my rapidly beating heart.
I fell through the barrier.
Distantly, I contemplated screaming, but then sternly told myself that this was supposed to happen. And lo and behold, I emerged, a bit shaken but unharmed, in a completely different station. The large scarlet train said on it, "The Hogwarts Express," and a sign above my head proclaimed, "Platform 9 and 3/4." I did smile at that point.
Walden came up behind me. "Get on the train, and find an empty compartment by yourself. Don't even think of sitting with me and my friends, but don't talk to anyone. They might be Mudbloods."
Interpreted: "Don't meet any potential friends, because those destined for Slytherin don't have friends."
I put his admonition out of my mind once I was on the train. I did follow some of his directions, simply by default: as an extremely shy, sheltered introvert, I did not have the courage to join anyone in their compartments. Gryffindor my foot, I thought wryly as I walked through the train, avoiding people's curious stares and trying to make myself as small as possible. I was nearly crying with relief when I found an empty compartment near the back of the train, and instantly barricaded myself inside it, thanking my lucky stars that it was nowhere near my brother. I wouldn't have wanted to sit with his friends even if he hadn't warned me away.
To spare me the trouble of having to do so later, I quickly changed into my Hogwarts robes in a train bathroom, having locked the compartment door behind me with a special lock spell that I had found in a book in our library. It allowed you to lock any door, and only the spell-caster could reopen it, no matter how many other people knew the counter-spell. I had always found it handy.
I returned to my compartment and opened it. Pausing for a moment in the doorway, I looked up and down the hall fruitlessly, trying to see if, perhaps, Sirius was there. No luck.
I shut and locked the door – the normal way this time – and settled down on a seat with my Charms book, curling my legs up under me carefully. I leaned against the window and was quickly absorbed in my reading. I only paused to glance up and out the window when the train let out an ear-splitting whistle, lurched a bit, and began to chug to life, rolling forward and gradually picking up speed.
I gazed out and watched the station fade out of sight for awhile, then turned my attention back to my book, basking in the solitude.
Of course, this couldn't last for long, and I soon had to face what I dreaded most: my peers.
Five minutes after we left the station, I heard footsteps in the corridor that stopped outside my compartment door. Breathless, I waited, hands tense on my book.
The door rattled. "Bloody hell," a girl's voice cursed wearily. "Someone's in here, too. We'll never find a compartment at this rate."
"Vicky, I'm sure they won't mind if we just knock and ask if there's any space."
Think again.
Someone knocked on the door softly. "Excuse me, sorry, but is there room in here for anyone else? Er…preferably three people?"
I had no choice but to answer, in a reasonably loud voice, "Y-yes, you can come in." I hurriedly unlocked the door and retreated back to my seat.
The door slid open.
Three girls stood in the doorway, and instantly I regretted it, because they were all beautiful enough to make me feel like a mouse. They walked in and shut the door behind them. There was a moment of awkward silence.
"My name is Lily Evans," one girl said brightly, seemingly at ease. She was easily the prettiest of the three: a wavy mane of shining red-gold hair fell to her waist, and she had almond-shaped, pure green eyes.
"Vicky Norton," another girl volunteered. Despite her plain English name, she was Indian — coffee-brown skin, wide, dark brown eyes in a fine-boned face, and curly dark hair shot through with blonde.
"Ella O'Shea," put in the last girl. She had English skin – pale face with rosy cheeks, whereas I was only pale – with a light dappling of freckles on the nose, chin-length black hair, and warm brown eyes.
I smiled tremblingly. "Um…hi."
Lily gazed at me curiously. "Are you a first-year? You look older, but I've never seen you here before."
The less said, the better. "No, I'm seventeen, but…er…my parents didn't want me going to Hogwarts," I said truthfully. It was the truth, just not the whole truth.
Ella furrowed her brow. "What's your name?"
"Seirian," I replied. "Or Seiri, if you will."
"Seirian…what's your last name?" Ella persisted. "I'm sorry, you just look so familiar. Do you have a sibling here?"
I sighed. There was no getting out of it. "Seirian Macnair," I mumbled. "Walden Macnair is my twin."
"Oh," Ella answered. There was a detectable temperature drop in her voice, and, for the matter, the whole atmosphere of the compartment.
"We know your brother," Lily informed me grimly.
"I'm very sorry," I responded truthfully.
Vicky did a bit of a double-take. "'Sorry'?"
"Yes. I…don't like him very much either. Please don't judge me on who my family is," I added desperately.
"We won't," Lily assured me, warming back up again. "We just thought…you know…that you were like them, obsessed with hunting down Mudbloods and killing them," she clarified bitterly.
"I'm…well, not," I said. "I really don't care what anyone's blood is. It's your own business, really, and it doesn't make a difference in your magical ability." I was shocked at my own talkativeness, and rather proud of myself for speaking so frankly. I liked these girls, too.
"So what house do you think you'll be in?" Vicky asked me interestedly. "I hope you're in Gryffindor like us, that would be wicked."
"Well, Sirius Black told me I should be in Gryffindor," I said hesitantly.
Vicky grinned and rolled her eyes. "You know Sirius?"
"Yes, we met at —"
I had said too much. Quickly, I closed my mouth on what I was about to say, but Ella saw. "Where?" she asked, obviously somewhat concerned at my action. "Where did you meet?"
"My father's funeral."
Simultaneously, their eyes widened, and their mouths dropped open in horrified sympathy. Lily put a hand to her mouth. "Oh, Seiri, I'm so sorry," she whispered.
"I'm sorry, if I had known…I wouldn't have asked," Ella apologized. "I'm sorry."
I shrugged awkwardly. "He's not worth it. You must know how I was brought up, if you've met Walden," I reminded them.
Again, I realized I'd said too much when Lily inquired, "Where did you get that scar, the one on your forehead?"
I forced a laugh, my mind scrambling. "Oh, that? Walden threw a rock at me when we were four. He was charming even back then."
To my relief and delight, the three girls laughed appreciatively. I was glad that the collar of my uniform hid the scars on my neck. I didn't think I could fake those quite so easily, even if they did have a Concealment Charm over them.
We gradually slipped from uneasy small talk to tentative friendship. There was another silence soon, much more comfortable this time. I sat there, delighted at my new friends, myself for making new friends, and life in general.
Vicky turned to Lily. "So, Lils, aren't you thrilled over who's the Head Boy?" she teased.
Lily rolled her eyes and groaned despairingly. "Godric, Vicky, don't remind me! I'm glad that we were both there early, and McGonagall kept the meeting short. I would have died otherwise."
Seeing my confused expression, Ella clarified, "James Potter. He's been asking Lily out for…oh, let's see now…five years, at this point. And she's turned him down every year, but he's awfully persistent. I don't see why you can't say yes, Lils. He's adorable. A bit conceited, yes, but one of the handsomest boys in our year, besides Sirius."
"He's not that cute," Lily contradicted sternly. "He's a bloody nuisance. Although…" A somewhat dreamy expression stole over her face. "He wasn't that bad this time. Rather chivalrous, even. Must be taking lessons from Remus."
Vicky laughed delightedly, pointing at Lily. "You like him! You do! Oh, come now Lily, admit it: you just turn him down now out of habit."
"I do not!" Lily protested, turning scarlet — a sure sign of guilt.
"Fine." An impish glint crept into Vicky's eyes. I could tell from our short acquaintance that she was the mischievous joker of the group. "Then I dare you to say yes to him the next time he asks. Because he will, you know."
"I know," Lily snapped. "Vicky, that's ludicrous. El, tell her that's a terrible idea."
"I dunno, Lils," Ella said, a slow smile spreading across her face. "Seems like an idea to me." As one, they all turned to me.
I shook my head, nearly smiling. "I don't know this James well enough to get involved. Sirius mentioned him, only to say that James would probably punch him in the head for being insensitive."
"Sounds like James," Lily sniffed, at the same time as Vicky said, "Sounds like Sirius."
"Of course Sirius mentioned James," Ella laughed, ignoring them. "They go everywhere together — best of friends, they are."
I leaned forward attentively, cupping my chin in my hand and resting my elbow on my knee. "What are the rest of the Marauders like?"
"There are only four," Lily told me. "Sirius Black, James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. You've already met Sirius, so you know what that demon's like, and what we told you about James is all you need to know. Remus is the best of the three, he's a complete sweetheart."
"Gallant, kind, sweet, wonderful listener, and an excellent kisser," Ella grinned.
"You would know," Vicky said disgustedly. "They went together for about two months last year, then realized that it was like kissing a brother, on her part, and a sister, on his part. Rather nasty, if you think of it that way," she explained.
It was. "What about the last one?"
"Oh," Lily reflected after a moment. "Well. There's not really much to say about Peter. He's rather bland. Like pudding. Round, soft, and bland. Pudding."
"Pudding? Did somebody say…pudding?"
The compartment door slid open — my three friends hadn't locked it behind them — and a boy our age stuck his head into the compartment. From the expression of remote dislike on Lily's face, I concluded that this must be James. He was handsome: tall and skinny, with twinkling, bespectacled hazel eyes set in a tan, long-nosed face, topped with ruffled black hair. He grinned happily at all of us, then saw me. "I haven't ever seen you before, dearie," he said curiously. "What's your name?"
Startled, I replied, "Seirian."
An even wider smile stretched across his face. Withdrawing his head, he shouted down the hall, "Oy, Sirius! I found your friend!"
There was the unmistakable sound of pounding footsteps, and then Sirius appeared at the door. When he saw me, he yelped happily and hurled himself into the compartment, throwing his arms around me.
I sat rigid with shock, not quite sure what to do.
A tinkling laugh from the doorway drew my attention. I glanced up and nearly gasped. The girl who was looking into the compartment was one of the most blatantly beautiful people I'd ever seen in my life. Tall and slender, she had thick, wavy blonde hair that curled neatly at the ends, and large, deep blue eyes that sparkled in a pale face.
"Attacked by Sirius, poor dear," she continued. "What a welcome. I'm awfully sorry you had to undergo that."
Much to my relief, Sirius let go of me, turned, and pounced on the girl, grabbing her around the waist and whirling her around. She threw her arms around his neck with a laugh, and he kissed her sweetly. "You know you love it," he teased when they parted.
Vicky rolled her eyes, grinning at me. "Spare me," she mouthed.
"Seiri, this is Yvonne Prince, Crown Beauty of Hogwarts," he introduced us. "Darling, this is Seiri, friend of mine I met at a family event." He nodded at me. I smiled gratefully at him and said to his girlfriend, "Wonderful to meet you."
"And you," she returned warmly, reaching over from the doorway and shaking my hand. "Sirius told me about you, and I couldn't wait to meet you."
Sirius jerked a thumb at James, who was animatedly hopping from one foot to another. "You've already met the menace."
'The Menace' bowed ridiculously. "I otherwise go by James."
"This is Peter." Sirius shoved a short, rather fat boy towards me. He turned red and shook my hand. I nodded encouragingly, starting to get jumpy from all the attention.
"And this is…bloody hell…where'd Remus go?"
James looked down the hall, and grinned. "He stopped in the middle of the hall with his book. Typical."
"REMUS!" Sirius bellowed, no doubt scaring the absent boy out of his wits. "GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE BLOODY BOOK! AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE THE GENTLEMAN AROUND HERE?!"
Again, there was the sound of hurrying footsteps. They stopped just outside the compartment, and another boy poked his head in.
My throat worked convulsively.
He was beautiful.
Not, perhaps, in the same way Sirius and James were beautiful. Tired, faded blue-green eyes in a very thin, hollow face peered at me through light, ashy-brown bangs that flopped into those eyes. He was shorter than James and Sirius but taller than Peter, and was skinnier even than James, almost unhealthily so. Long-fingered hands gripped his book.
No, he was not the regular ideal of masculine beauty. Yet I was more attracted to his quiet gentleness than I was to Sirius's charming grace, or James's adorable, carefree exuberance.
"This," Sirius said pointedly, "finally, is our own Remus Lupin. You two will get along famously, I know it. Although you're not a git who tries to duck out of introductions, and stops in the bloody middle of the hall to read a textbook."
"Well, I'm terribly glad I didn't duck out of these introductions," Remus shot back, and shook my suddenly weak hand.
Stupidly, I said, "I'm…Seiri."
"Wonderful to meet you, Seiri," he told me, completely sincere. He let go of my hand. I felt a faint shock of disappointment, then stopped, horrified. I didn't even know him.
Also, a tiny, nagging little voice whispered at the back of my mind, you can't trust anyone, remember? You've seen too much, heard too much, lived too much. You know better than to let anyone in. They'll just hurt you.
I'm not comfortable around guys. Frankly, I'm not comfortable around people in general, but most especially guys. This former fact, though, and my newness, could work to my advantage, for instead of seeming grossly awkward and shy to only Remus, it would be attested to my status as 'the new kid.'
These thoughts managed to brace me up enough to say, "And you, Remus." Outside, I was perfectly calm and collected, even if my hands did tremble a bit. Inside, I was leaping and squealing with joy like a young girl at the fact that I had said his name. It was a nice name. I liked it.
The train whistle blew a warning. "Hell," Sirius sighed, "we have to go hide all our candy. Yearly tradition. We'll see you in the Great Hall, you'll be Gryffindor for sure!" He bounced off, Yvonne at his side. Peter followed them, and after lingering for a moment, Remus smiled at me, said, "I'll talk to you later, Seiri, find me in the Great Hall if you like," and went after his friends. I almost sighed, then caught myself.
Only James remained. He wasn't as effervescent anymore. In fact, he looked downright nervous. Wringing his hands, he said, "Er, L-Lily? Could I, er, perhaps, maybe, er…see you in the hall for a moment?"
Lily looked up at him, then glanced at us a bit helplessly. "I dare you," Vicky mouthed slyly.
That did it. Lily's chin shot up defiantly, and, drawing a deep breath, she answered, "Right. Sure, James."
For a period of five minutes, there was silence as the three of us desperately and shamelessly tried to eavesdrop on the murmured conversation outside. When Lily finally reemerged, she was white and stoic.
"Well? What happened?" Vicky prompted.
Lily shrugged, seemingly unconcerned, and picked up her Charms book. "He asked me out. I said yes."
Vicky looked as if she might ask something else, but desisted when Ella pulled her arm and motioned her to be quiet. She pointed at Lily's book.
She was holding it upside-down.
~*~
The rest of the train ride quite uneventful, until the very end, when someone tapped on the compartment door.
"Come in," we murmured as one, and grinned.
A tall, stern-faced witch slid open the compartment door with a very dignified snap. Lily, Ella, and Vicky immediately sat up and bit straighter and tried their best to look alert.
"You are Ms. Macnair?" she asked me, not giving away anything by her tone.
"Yes…" I ventured hesitantly.
"Come with me, please."
I shot a glance at my friends imploringly, but there was no help from the quarter. They motioned me to follow the witch. As I trotted after her through the train, she said, "Hurry, we must be quick. I'm to take you to the Headmaster so that you may be Sorted before the official ceremony. I assume you do not wish to be Sorted along with the first years?" She turned and stared at me sharply.
I thought of all those eyes upon me, especially those of Remus, Severus, and my brother, and shook my head vehemently.
"I thought as much." We continued to walk through the train.
Fifteen minutes later, I found myself rattling along in a horseless – horseless – carriage, heading towards an enormous castle. I gaped at it, eyes round with wonder. It was a particularly dark night, yet the castle was brightly lit.
When we reached the school, the witch – I learned that her name was Professor McGonagall – led me through a dizzying array of corridors that I despaired of ever learning my through.
Still, it would give me a good excuse to talk to Remus…
We stopped in front of an eagle statue. "Pumpkin Pasty," McGonagall said clearly, and to my surprise, the statue began to rotate.
She turned to me. "Go right up. The Headmaster will lead you to the Great Hall when it is over. Good luck." And she was gone.
I ascended the traveling staircase and found myself in a rather odd office, full of like gizmos and gadgets. A brightly plumed bird sat on a perch.
"Ah, good evening, Miss Macnair." An elderly gentleman walked over to me, an old, tatty hat in his head. "I am Professor Dumbledore." There was a kind twinkle in his eyes. Despite my upbringing, I found myself liking him immensely.
"Please, have a seat." He pointed to a stool. I sat obediently.
"Now, this won't hurt a bit." He placed the hat on my head.
For a moment, nothing happened. Then a small voice spoke in my head. I was not in the least bit surprised; I knew about this from Walden.
Hmm, not difficult at all. Not the cunning of Slytherin, not like the rest of your family, eh? I felt a pang: Walden was going to kill me. I put that thought aside. And not the cleverness of Ravenclaw, though not a bad mind in there — you will do well in life. You have a certain sweetness, but not enough for dear Hufflepuff. And what's left is…GRYFFINDOR.
Professor Dumbledore smiled delightedly. "Excellent, Miss Macnair. Come, follow me."
I smiled. Yes. Excellent.
~*~
Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead.
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken.
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes.
This is your life…are you who you wanna be?
Chapter 3: Interest by MoonysMistress
Disclaimer: Oh, if I were J.K. Rowling…*sigh* Sadly, I'm not, and I make no claims to her creations and such. Lyrics are from John Mayer's "Daughters" and Kelly Clarkson's "Addicted."
A/N: I have to apologize to any of my reviewers who have wanted this chapter up faster. First I sent it in and it was rejected. *cries* Then I thought I sent it in again, only since I am a RIGHT FORKING MORON I sent in the wrong chapter. *cringe* So here it is, long awaited, and I'm sorry for the wait!
~*~
I entered the Great Hall through a shadowed side entrance: unobtrusive and unnoticed, just the way I like it. However, I didn't have any idea where I was supposed to be.
The Gryffindor table. Right.
Where was that again?
I was saved the trouble of having to ask someone, for I heard someone say, "Seiri, over here!"
I looked in the direction of the voice and saw Sirius sitting on the table, beaming and waving. A long, slender hand yanked him back down. My heart skipped the proverbial beat: it was indubitably Remus.
Shyly, and again trying to seem inconspicuous, I threaded my way through the tables and reached what was presumably the Gryffindor House Table. Here I paused, and as I stared, my heart did another funny acrobatic maneuver. The only free seat was between Lily and Remus.
Sweating and shaky, I slipped onto the bench. Remus, on my left, kindly shifted over a bit to let me in, but then edged back to where he had been. We were close…so close…
"Sirius says we're very much alike," he interrupted my thoughts.
"Oh…yes, he said the same to me." Why did I have to be so detached and cold? I cursed whatever God or gods that had made me this way.
"What sort of hobbies do you have?" he inquired. He was so friendly. Normally, I strongly dislike friendly people simply for being so overbearing, but now I appreciated his quiet and gentle method of trying to make me feel comfortable.
Unfortunately, I wasn't quite sure how to answer the question. "Well, I, er…what do you mean by hobbies?" I said inanely.
"Well, for example…what sort of music do you like? Do you play any instruments?"
I nearly melted.
Music was the only thing that sustained me for the harsh years of my life. When I was young, only seven or so, I had music lessons from an acquaintance of my mother's. I knew how to play the flute, the pennywhistle, and the fiddle fluently. My mother passed on to me the passionate love of Celtic music.
"I do." I could answer this question easily, thank goodness. "I play the flute, the pennywhistle, and the fiddle. Mostly old Celtic melodies."
His eyes lit up with delighted interest. "Really? Sirius has always told me I'm a prick for liking that music. I myself play a bit of acoustic guitar. Maybe we could play a few pieces together?" His tone was hopeful.
And my heart was hopeful. "That would be wonderful," I said bashfully. "Is there a music program at Hogwarts?" Walden had never mentioned one. Then again, he wasn't a lover of music.
"Well," Remus said wryly, "we had a choir." On the other side of the table, Sirius barked out a laugh.
"Godric, they were miserable. Used damn frogs for accompaniment."
"Sirius, they didn't have anything else," Remus told him patiently.
"I still think it was animal abuse."
Remus rolled his eyes and grinned at me. "I'm awfully sorry that you had to meet Sirius first — "
"I heard that!" Sirius interrupted indignantly. "And I'll have you know that I was quite charming." He seemed quite ready to enter our conversation, but, much as I liked Sirius, I wished he wouldn't.
"Sirius." Remus caught Sirius's eye for a moment, and they seemed to be holding a conversation. I tried to read it, but couldn't understand what either of them was getting at.
Sirius raised one eyebrow and cocked his head to the side. Remus nodded, almost imperceptibly, and shrugged innocently. Sirius mouth dropped open.
"You never! I was right?"
Remus smiled. "A first. But you were." He was blushing, I noticed.
"Right then," Sirius said, beaming like a proud father, "forget I said anything."
"I always do."
"Was I supposed to understand that?" I inquired softly.
Remus chuckled. "Godric, no! I'd tell you what it was about, but…oh, it's complicated. Sort of an inside joke."
I was spared the trouble of having to explain that I didn't know what an inside joke was by the advent of numerous small children, led by McGonagall. They proceeded up the main aisle, their frightened faces turning back and forth. My heart went out to them, and when one terrified girl glanced my way, I smiled at her reassuringly. She smiled back, a bit tremulously.
The small crowd reached the front of the Great Hall and halted in front of a stool with the Sorting Hat on it. There was thick, oppressive silence in the Hall, as if someone had cast a noiseless blanket over us, sewn with stitches of expectancy. Then the Hat's brim moved, opened, and began speaking:
You look at me and you might think:
'It's just a simple hat.'
But take another glance, my friend —
I'm so much more than that.
Not only can I think and talk
But also I can find
The House in which you most belong
According to your mind.
The Houses Four are all well-known
The story often told.
I will tell it yet again
For legends never grow old.
Lion, eagle, badger, snake
Four friends they did unite.
They made this magic school you're in
But then there was a fight.
Hark at me, I'm getting ahead!
I needn't tell this now!
The Houses came from where? you ask
So I shall tell you how.
How different they were, the Founders Four
Selective each were they.
They couldn't agree on one method
Alone, they had their say.
"Courage, bravery, nerve are mine!"
said Gryffindor the Bold.
"If they fear no danger great
They certainly fit my mold."
"That matters not, my reckless friend,"
said Ravenclaw the Wise.
"Wit and learning, intelligence
is the best in my eyes."
"You two do not yet grasp the key,"
Said Slytherin the Sly.
"Ambition, cunning, the pure of blood:
I surely won't pass them by."
"The three of you, don't be like that,"
Said Hufflepuff the Sweet.
"Give me the ones that you don't want
It'll be my treat."
Fairly happy were they all
Until the schism came
Slytherin left, the others stayed
But it never was the same.
Hear my words, wizards-to-be
Young as you still are
Don't fall prey to this darkness at all
Hate can leave a scar.
I separate you, but just realize
That you are all still one.
Now put me on, I'll place you well,
And then my job is done!
There was a round of applause, punctuated with a few worried murmurs and significant glances. Beside me, Remus's mouth was drawn tight as he clapped.
"Two years in a row," he murmured. "We know why…but how can we help?"
I resigned myself to a year of hopeless enigma and being left in the dark. "Remus, what do you mean?"
"Hmm?"
"What's happened two years in a row?"
"Oh. You knew about the Sorting Song already, of course."
His gaze was so sharp. I tried to keep eye contact and failed. "Yes. It tells the story of how Hogwarts was founded, how the Houses came to be, and how it split. Right?"
"Exactly. For the last two years, though, the Hat has been hinting at some sort of danger to come. We know what that is, of course: Volde — You-Know-Who," he amended hastily. "But the fact that it keeps stressing it and going on about unity between Houses worries a lot of people, including me."
I looked at Sirius, who was speaking animatedly to Peter, and then to James, who was gazing at Lily, and then to Peter, who was listening avidly to Sirius. My new friends didn't look to concerned either, except for Lily, who was fiddling with her hair distractedly, a pensive expression on her face. "None of the others seem worried," I said softly.
"They're not, yet. They will be, though, once we give them a chance to think about it." He grinned ruefully. "Once I remind them that they should be worried."
"Is it always like that?"
"Sadly. Let's just say the other Marauders don't like to see the serious side of matters."
"And you do."
His mouth quirked wryly. "I'm not terribly proud of it."
"No, no, it's a good thing," I hastened to assure him. "I admire it, at least." The moment the words were out, I blushed furiously at my audacity.
"You do?" He seemed, I dared to think, somewhat touched.
"Well…yes." I sighed. "The serious side of life is the part that I've had to see for most of my life."
Remus frowned at me, confused, and was about to speak when a sudden hush fell over the hall. He closed his mouth and nodded toward the staff table. I turned and saw Dumbledore standing, arms outstretched. I felt a guilty jolt, for though I was supposed to hate him, I couldn't help but find him a magnificent presence. His purple robes, embroidered with silvery stars and golden moons, swirled around his thin form, and I could see the kind twinkle of his blue eyes all the way from my table.
"Welcome, my students, to another year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! We have many new students — " his penetrating gaze bored into me, and I looked away " — so let us make a good impression and show them all what a real meal is. Tuck in!"
Sirius cheered as food magically appeared on the table. My mouth dropped open. My house had never been very plentiful when it came to giving me food. Now, overwhelmed by choices, I didn't know what to pick.
"I recommend the steak-and-kidney pie," Sirius suggested with his mouth full. "James and I love it with all our hearts."
Remus contemplated Sirius, nibbling reflectively on a potato. "Sirius, that was disgusting. Please don't talk with your mouth full."
"Shove off," Sirius replied promptly.
Remus raised one eyebrow. "No need to be like that," he said coolly.
"I hate it when you're right," Sirius grumbled resentfully.
"Which is all the time," James put in.
"Every day — "
"Every class — "
"Oh, be quiet," Remus cut in calmly. He didn't seem at all hurt by their teasing. "You both get better grades than me in class."
"Oh." Sirius thought about this. "I suppose we do, in a way…"
"Amazing, since you both have the attention spans of fleas," Remus added with a mischievous grin. Lily and I glanced at each other amusedly, then quickly looked away, smothering our mirth.
Sirius and James were still trying to think of a comeback. Remus sat back, an expression of satisfaction on his face. Peter watched the conversation, beady little eyes darting back and forth. I didn't really like him.
"Well…" Sirius said slowly, "…maybe we're smart fleas."
Remus stared him in the eye, mouth twitching as he struggled not laugh, but finally he broke down. "Smart — fleas!" he gasped. "Godric, Sirius, that's terrible even for you!"
Sirius shrugged charmingly. "I try," he replied with fake modesty. With that, he started eating again.
Remus shook his head and began poking at his food. At one point, he looked up and out the window, and sighed, profile sad. Then he returned to analyzing his meal.
He's mysterious, I thought, somewhat troubled, as I ate a bite of chicken. And it's not a good mystery. Whatever it is, it's hurting him.
"Seiri?"
My head shot up, and I turned to Lily, who was watching me with a curious expression on her face. "Sorry," I said guiltily. "Did you say something?"
"I was just wondering, what are you going to do about classes? You haven't taken O.W.L.S. at all, and you should have a good idea of what you want your future profession to be for the curriculum."
My heart started racing. "W-what? I…no one told me about this."
"We can talk to Dumbledore," Remus assured me. "He'll probably have thought of this already. If you want, I'll go with you after the Feast to talk to him."
I sighed gratefully. "Would you? If you'd rather not — "
Remus waved a hand, as if to say it was nothing. "It'll be better than going to the common room and watching these two buffoons make fools of themselves." He pointed at James and Sirius. Lily giggled. James poked her arm gently, unsure, and she gave him a small grin. His face lit up. Remus, Sirius, and Peter exchanged amused glances and busied themselves with their food. Vicky and Ella snorted softly into their plates. I myself blinked, feeling extremely in-the-dark.
Remus leaned over and whispered in my ear, "James has adored Lily for seven years, and she's spurned him for equally long. Now that they're finally going out, it'll be interesting, in a sickening way, to watch him prostrate himself at her feet." He smiled reflectively. "He'll still be our arrogant little James, though."
I smiled and helped myself to a plate of treacle tart, feeling that the world was a lovely place.
Soon enough, we had all of us, even Sirius and Peter, eaten far more than was probably healthy. The remaining food faded from the plates. Vaguely, I wondered where it went, but was too full to really reflect on it. I hazily remembered my brother sneering "menial servants…house-elves…" but wasn't exactly sure what their connection was. I was too content to think about it further.
I'm happy, I realized suddenly, and I nearly choked on the lump in my throat. For the first time in my life, I'm really happy. This is where I belong…
"Now that we have all stuffed ourselves beyond reasonable limits, I have a few start-of-term announcements." Dumbledore was speaking again. I propped my chin on my hand and listened.
"First of all, our caretaker, Argus Filch, would like me to yet again remind you that magic is not allowed in the corridors, nor are you allowed to use any magical items.
"Second, as you all should know, the Forbidden Forest is, of course, forbidden." He smiled, and a few people chuckled weakly. The four Marauders looked guilty. I grinned.
"Quidditch tryouts will be held in three weeks. Captains, take stock of your returning teammates and decide who you will need to hold tryouts for. Quidditch positions are usually reserved for those in third year or above. Also for third years and older, the first Hogsmeade visit will be held November 12. New students, you must have a form to be able to attend. If you do not have a signed permission form, you will not be allowed to go." My stomach gave a funny lurch: I had the sinking feeling that I did not have a signed form. I bit my lower lip and kept listening.
"This is the last and most important announcement." Dumbledore's lined face was grave. "We all know that the Dark wizard known as Lord Voldemort is rising." The hall collectively flinched. "Therefore, I ask you all to be on your guards, and please do not wander the grounds after sunset. Hogwarts cannot be breached by him, but there's no need to take risks. Older students, particularly prefects and our new Heads, watch over the younger students.
"And now, I think it is time for us to retire to our beds. Goodnight!"
There was a flurry of activity and cries of, "First years, this way! Follow me!" I stood up, bewildered.
Remus tapped me on the shoulder. "Come on, let's go talk to Dumbledore."
I swallowed nervously and followed him up to the high table, where the teachers were also vacating their seats.
"Professor Dumbledore?" Remus said when we reached the old wizard. "A word?"
Dumbledore turned. "Ah, Mr. Lupin!" he said softly. "How are you?"
Remus shrugged sadly. "As well as I can be."
Dumbledore nodded understandingly. Once more, I felt that there was more being spoken in this conversation than the words. "How can I help you, Mr. Lupin?" I kept my eyes down; he was watching me with his own keen blue eyes.
"It's about Seiri's classes," he explained.
"Ah, yes." I finally mustered enough courage to raise my head. Dumbledore smiled at me. "It is quite true, you did not take O.W.L.S., but I think…yes, I could make an exception. Your mother sent me a letter describing your curriculum for the last seven years, and I must say that I was rather impressed. Though, according to your family, you were not particularly expert in performing the spells themselves, the fact remains that you know more than the other seventh-years, and I am sure you would be able to keep up. Shall we say I've tested you myself, to avoid any negative speculation?"
I nodded meekly. "Yes, sir."
"There is still the problem of what classes you will take," he continued. "Do you have any idea of what you will want to do after you graduate?"
I shook my head. "No, sir. Sorry."
"Professor," Remus piped up, "if she doesn't know, can't she pick what course she wants to take according to where her friends are?"
I could have kissed him.
Professor Dumbledore raised his eyebrows thoughtfully. "That, Mr. Lupin, is an idea. Yes, I do think that will work. Ms. Macnair, you know Professor McGonagall, yes? She will come to the common room sometimes tonight. Please tell her what course you decide to follow, and she will give you a schedule. Does this agree with you?"
I nodded again, feeling distinctly like a puppet. "Yes, sir."
He gave me a long, piercing look, then added, "To allay another fear, your mother also sent a Hogsmeade permission form for you, so you will be allowed to go on visits to said village."
My face brightened marginally. "Oh, thank you!"
"Not at all. Now, if that is all, I suggest that we leave. I cannot speak for you, but I feel the food-induced drowsiness nagging at me." He winked. I smiled and stared at my feet.
"That's not all," Remus said, grinning. "You know of my bit of interest in music, of course."
"Naturally. I've heard tell of many a concert you've performed in the Gryffindor common room."
"Yes. Seiri also enjoys music, and I was wondering if there's an empty classroom we could use often to play."
Dumbledore thought on this. "I've often wondered why we never have an extracurricular musical group." He chuckled. "Mr. Lupin, I suggest you ask Sir Nicholas. He may know better than I the secret rooms of this castle. And now: goodnight, my young friends." With a sweep of his violet robes, he left through the same side entrance that I had come in by.
Remus sighed. "He's a wonderful man."
I shrugged awkwardly, acutely aware of the fact that we were the only two people left in the Great Hall. "He's all right, I suppose."
He shot me a piercing look.
I gazed determinedly at my feet. "I was brought up to hate Dumbledore. It's hard to change that."
"I won't grudge you for it," he murmured. "How will your family react when they find that you're in Gryffindor?"
I closed my eyes briefly, imagining my grandfather's rage, picturing Walden's fury, which frightened me more. I could always stay at Hogwarts for Christmas, but I would have to face Walden at school.
Remus saw my face. "Don't worry, Seiri," he said softly, resting a comforting hand on my shoulder briefly. "We won't let anything happen to you." He ran a hand through his hair and yawned, exposing somewhat sharp eyeteeth. "I don't know about you, but Dumbledore was right: I'm awfully tired. I'll show you how to get to the common room. Thankfully, as a prefect, I already know the password, so we should be set."
The walk there was awfully quiet. I knew that I was stewing in my own rather morbid musings.
Whatever it was that I was feeling for Remus scared me. I hadn't come from a background of enough love to be truly comfortable with that concept. So now, encountering it for the first time, I was scared witless. I was seized with the instinct to just run, put distance between me and the alien emotion. But I also wanted to stay there, beside him, forever. The conflicting emotions tore at me.
I hated it. My brutal father, my negligent mother, my distant brother: they had all three of them ruined for me a life that I truly wanted.
~*~
Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do.
Girls become lovers
Who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too…
~*~
"Oy, they're here!"
Remus and I were greeted with this cry when we walked into the Gryffindor common room. He grinned brilliantly at James — my heart yet again flopped around alarmingly — and trotted over, plopping onto a sofa. I followed at a more reasonable pace, considering that we'd just had a huge dinner, and perched on a puffy chair. Lily, who was sitting just as tentatively on another couch next to James, grinned at me. I smiled sheepishly back.
"What took so long?" Sirius asked, slapping Remus on the back. Just like a guy, I thought, remembering the time that Rodolphus Lestrange had come to our house for Christmas.
Remus shrugged, loosening his tie casually. "We had to talk to Dumbledore."
Sirius grinned. "Great man, he is."
I smiled. I decided, right then and there, nix on my upbringing. I liked this Dumbledore intuitively, and my new friends loved him.
After all, I thought grimly, I'm already going to be shunned by my family anyway. What does it matter if I add another "sin" in their eyes?
"Seiri? Are you all right?"
I blinked and looked up at Ella's sweet, heart-shaped face. "You look kind of sad," she said, commiserating. "Hogwarts can be a little scary at first, but don't worry, we'll make sure you have loads of fun here."
For the first time in my life, I thought I might cry. I had never cried as a child; I had quickly learned that if I cried every time I was hurt, I would spend my life in tears. In my eyes and the eyes of my family, weeping was a sign of weakness.
So I quickly banished the idea of crying and made my face grateful instead. "That means a lot to me, Ella," I said.
Remus snapped his fingers. "This reminds me. Seiri, your classes."
It didn't register for a moment. "Oh, right. Well…where are most of you?"
"The four of us — " he indicated the Marauders " — Lily, and Vicky are all in Auror courses."
Ella shrugged. "I'm taking Diplomat Studies. I'd really love to see other countries and find out how they run their wizarding worlds." She caught the expression on my face and laughed. "Go with the others, I have to say that my classes are rather boring."
Sirius did a little dance. "Seiri's in our classes! Seiri's in our classes!" he chanted gleefully. I flushed bright red.
"You're going to regret that for the rest of the year, once you have to spend all that time with him." Vicky tossed her head at Sirius.
"And him." Lily poked James in the chest. He gulped and smiled. Again, we all looked anywhere but at them, trying not to actually laugh out loud.
"What time is it?" Peter asked, yawning.
"Dunno," Sirius answered lazily, yawning himself.
"Bedtime, perhaps?"
"Possibly, although it will be embarrassing to go up there now. Remember, we have to maintain an image of sleep immunity."
Vicky snorted derisively. "Why, pray tell?"
Sirius shrugged. "Because we're the Marauders, of course! We cannot seem weak in any way! We stay up later, cause more mayhem, and disobey more rules than any other mischievous group!"
Everyone, even the other three Marauders, rolled their eyes. "How much sugar did you let him have?" Remus asked James.
James seemed highly affronted. "It's not my job to be his caretaker! I'm not his mother, you know."
"Thank God," Sirius muttered.
"Anyway, Remus, I thought you were the prefect. It's your job to look after him."
"You're the Head Boy, James."
This stumped James. "Well…you're more responsible than I am…" he protested feebly.
Remus raised one eyebrow and folded his arms.
"Y'know, Sirius is right. I hate it when you win. And you always do."
Remus bowed in his seat and winked at me. I half-smiled and stared into the fireplace, letting myself get lost in the pattern of the flickering flames…
"Ms. Macnair?"
I jumped up and to attention, staring into the face of McGonagall, who already struck a certain amount of fear and guilt into me. "Yes, ma'am?"
"Have you decided yet what course you are going to take?"
"Yes, Professor. I'm going to take the Auror classes."
She said nothing, only continued to stare at me. A curious expression, almost pitying, stole over her face. "Ms. Macnair, a word?"
I nodded, and she led me over to an isolated corner of the common room. Behind me, I heard Sirius curse, "Oh, damn! Godric — I don't think she knows what an Auror is, what an Auror does!"
I didn't hear the others' responses, but Sirius was right: I really hadn't the foggiest clue.
McGonagall stopped and faced me. "Ms. Macnair, do you know what an Auror does?" She kept her voice low and hurried.
I shook my head innocently. "No, ma'am."
"An Auror hunts wizards who are allies of You-Know-Who."
"What does that have to do with…?" I started. Then it hit me. If there was ever a family that supported 'the dark ways,' it was my own. They would kill me.
No, I thought angrily. Curse it, no. I'm not going to let them do this to me. They've ruled my life for seventeen years. Now it's my turn.
I squared my shoulders. "I'm going to become an Auror."
She locked eyes with me for a moment, then nodded. "I shall inform the Headmaster immediately." She left with a swish of her cloak.
I returned to my friends, who gazed at me worriedly. "Don't worry," I said softly, "I'm going to stay in those classes."
Sirius whooped and seemed inclined to start partying, but I stopped him. "I'm a bit tired," I confessed. "If you don't mind?"
This seemed to be the signal to break up. Before I could follow Lily, Vicky, and Ella, Remus stopped me. "Hey," he whispered, "we're going to help you. Chin up." He smiled. "Welcome to Hogwarts." And he was gone.
My lungs tight, I walked upstairs, my thoughts filled with Remus.
~*~
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you.
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts, in my dreams
You're taking over me.
It's like I'm not me,
It's like I'm not me…
Chapter 4: Bravery by MoonysMistress
Disclaimer: *le sigh* Okay, um, anything recognizably Hogwarty belongs to JKR, the rest of it is mine, my preciousssss…The solitary song at the end is "If You're Not the One" by Daniel Bedingfield. *melts*
~*~
I was the first to wake up the next morning. From the faint pink light outside the window, it was a couple hours past dawn.
I shrugged and got out of bed. I was used to waking this early.
The fire was still smoldering when I arrived in the common room. Other than that, the only light was the delicate sunshine just beginning to creep through the room.
I sighed gratefully. Ah, solitude. Much as I appreciated my new friends, I was a creature of seclusion and silence. That was how I'd lived most of my life, and old habits are hard to break.
I curled up on a couch next to the fire and laid my head on a pillow. I also needed this time to think about what I was going to do about my family situation.
The counts against me were numerous. First, I'd had the nerve to be Sorted into Gryffindor, the one House my family hated – and feared, I believed – above all others. I had also gained several new friends in said House, which I uneasily concluded could certainly not count on my behalf. If it was up to me, they wouldn't find out that I didn't hate Dumbledore.
An irksome feeling told me that the one thing that would enrage them the most was the fact that I was now taking the steps to becoming an Auror. Now that I was thinking about everything clearly, I dimly remembered my father sneering something about "detestable Aurors, always sneaking about trying to catch one of us at it, the filthy, paranoid freaks…" Since my father had, of course, been brought up by the grandfather I was supposed to be living with now, I had no doubt that he shared the same views.
And Walden…
I buried my face in my hands, trying to shut it out.
Walden, once the only person who I could even mildly count on, was now my greatest fear. He and his friends were now the closest to me, and thus could do me the most harm. I shuddered at the thought of what they could be planning, even now, in the privacy of their dorm…
"Seiri? You all right?"
My head jerked up, almost of its own accord. Remus sat in front of me on an armchair and rested his chin in his hand, propping his elbow on the armrest. "You look a bit sick."
"I was thinking about my family," I said automatically, then blushed.
Remus laughed. "That's all right. I figured you were. Sirius always gets that look on his face whenever he talks about his mum."
I surveyed him. His face was extremely pale and peaked, and the weak firelight accentuated the deep hollows in his cheeks. Alarming purple shadows circled his weary eyes.
"Remus, you don't look too good yourself," I said boldly, then bit my lip.
He sighed, but not impatiently. He just seemed depressed. "I nearly always look sick," he mumbled, not quite meeting my eyes. "It's just…part of who I am, I suppose. Don't worry, it's nothing serious." Each word was pained and precise.
Another mystery, I thought, somewhat grumpily. "Where are the others?" I asked.
He grinned merrily. "Still sleeping off their second meal from last night."
I blinked. "'Second meal?'"
"Ah, yes, you don't know the Marauder tradition. Every year, the others order as much candy as they can from the trolley witch. Whatever they can't finish on the train, they hide in their trunks and various other somewhat disturbing places and save it for the night. McGonagall caught us second year, so now she's on to them. It's a big game."
"Why don't you participate?"
He pulled a face. "I don't fancy being sick all night, thanks."
I bit my lip again and blushed.
"I'm just teasing, Seiri." He shot me a curious look. "You had a rather closed-in childhood, didn't you?"
I nodded, still not quite trusting myself to speak.
Remus shrugged. "Ah, well. So did I." And the subject was closed.
Sure enough, as Remus predicted, the other three Marauders staggered downstairs half an hour later, clutching their stomachs and looking a bit green.
James plopped on the sofa opposite mine. "You know, I'm actually rather glad that we're not going to have to do that next year," he panted.
"What're you talking about?" Sirius snorted, although I noticed his voice was definitely a bit strained. "I'm still doing that next year, graduated or not."
Remus shook his head. "Incorrigible," he muttered.
Lily, Vicky, and Ella all came down in due time as well. "Good morning, Seiri," Ella chirped.
Vicky glared at her and yawned pointedly. "It’s not normal to be so cheerful this early," she griped.
Ella shrugged and plopped down next to me. "Ready for your first day?"
I fidgeted under everyone's gazes and said, "Well…not really…"
Everyone chuckled appreciatively. I stared at my hands. I hadn't meant to be funny.
Slowly but steadily, the common room filled with people, all yawning and sleepily chatting with their friends. As more people came, the noise level increased. I winced and tried to block it out, but it was as if the noise was inside my head instead of out, pounding on my skull relentlessly.
And it wasn't even that loud. I frowned. There was something fishy going on.
I stopped paying attention to my friends' idle chatter and gazed into the fireplace. My eyesight blurred and grew hazy as I stared at the glowing coals…
The snap of a whip…a deep shout of man's laughter…a girl's high-pitched scream…a face covered in blood…"My God, help her!"…"Avada — "
I gasped and tore my eyes away. Sweat beaded my face, and my breath was coming in short gulps.
"Oh my — what happened?"
I looked up, still terrified. Lily was watching me anxiously, as was everyone else.
"I…"
I can't tell them what really happened, I thought wildly. They'd never understand — I don't even understand.
"I think I just drifted off momentarily," I resumed weakly. "And had a nightmare."
They exchanged skeptical glances. I shrank into myself and dropped my eyes.
To my surprise, it was Sirius who said, "Hey, I've got a great idea. Why don't we go down to breakfast?"
He sounded uncharacteristically lame and chipper. He also, I remembered, was sick on candy. I felt a pang of gratitude.
Remus jumped up. "First good idea you've had in a year, Sirius." He too was being exceptionally bright. "I don't about you three, but I didn't stuff myself on junk food last night, so I'd rather like to grab some breakfast."
"Do we have to?" Peter whined.
"I have to say I agree with him, for once," James said. "Take pity on us, Remus. I can't move."
"That's your fault. And Sirius can move."
"Sirius is a special case in anything and everything."
"James." There was a steely note in Remus's normally quiet voice. "We're going to the Great Hall."
James gulped and sprang to his feet. "Sir, yes sir," he said, saluting. There was a ripple of laughter, and the others started piling out of the common room.
Only Sirius, Remus, and Lily remained behind, still watching me worriedly as I slid off the couch. "I'm fine," I repeated. "Really."
"Are you sure?" Lily persisted.
"Seiri," Sirius said, sounding a bit shaken himself, "you didn't see the look on your face…you looked as if you'd just seen someone killed."
Funny, that. I had.
Remus said nothing, only caught my eye and continued gazing at me.
I heaved out a shuddering sigh. "Let's just go to breakfast. Please."
It was a silent affair. I was still brooding over the vision I'd had. There was no chance that I was what they called a Seer…but then, what had happened?
McGonagall passed out our schedules as we were nearing the end of breakfast.
"Should never expect much variation with only four classes to take," James mused absently as he scanned his schedule. "See, look here: start off the morning with D.A.D.A. at nine, then Charms at eleven. Then we have lunch." He wrinkled his nose at the piece of paper. "Double Transfigurations. What're they trying to do, kill us?"
"Quite possibly," Vicky murmured, staring at her own schedule in disgust. "It's N.E.W.T. year, remember."
There was a chorus of groans. "Don't remind me," Lily complained. "I don't know how I'll get through this year."
"I'll be there," James teased.
She elbowed him in the side. He smiled beatifically.
"Well," Remus said brightly, "I think it's just about time for us to go." He winked at us all and stood, tugging the Marauders to their feet as well. "See you in class."
Lily, Vicky, and Ella stood as well. I followed suit.
Ella grinned at me. "Seiri, good luck! I'll see you all later." She disappeared down a corridor.
Lily sighed and double-checked her schedule. "And so the day starts. Come on, let's go." She started off down the corridor opposite the one that Ella had gone down. Vicky and I trotted after her.
Along the way, Vicky whispered, "So, what do you think of the Marauders?"
I allowed myself a small smile. "They're wonderful."
She shared a conspiratorial grin with me. "I can tell they all love you already."
I started in surprise and stared at her, blushing. "What? H-how?"
She laughed, and Lily turned around, grinning. "What?" she asked curiously.
"Discussing how this one here has stolen the Marauders' hearts." Vicky gave Lily a significant wink.
Lily nodded back, smiling slyly. "Oh, that you have. James said you were a sweet little thing. And we can all see that Sirius is besotted with you, in a friendly way. He loves Yvonne too much for his own good."
"Peter was quite taken with you as well, I heard him tell Remus that he thought you were awfully pretty." Vicky wrinkled her nose and patted me on the shoulder. "Sorry about that one, mate."
"And then…there's Remus," Lily reminded Vicky, grinning like a Cheshire cat.
The same slow smile spread over Vicky's face as well. "Oh, yes. There's Remus."
I was curious. "What?" I prodded, smiling and feeling a bit silly. "What about Remus?"
Lily grinned wider yet. "Well, all I can say is, you must be a miracle-worker. I never thought Remus could be any sweeter than he already was, but ever since your arrival, he's been particularly wonderful."
As we entered the D.A.D.A. classroom, I felt, for the second time in my life, that I could hug the world.
Sirius had, apparently, saved me a seat between him and Remus, who smiled at me. I had the sudden suspicion that Sirius was trying to play matchmaker.
No use, Sirius, I thought grimly, good mood evaporating. I'll muddle it some way, even if Remus was interested, which I highly doubt.
Yvonne, who was sitting next to Sirius, leaned over him to smile at me. "How do you like Hogwarts so far?"
"It's wonderful," I admitted with a shy smile. Feeling like I should say more, I added, "You've all made me feel welcome."
"We could do nothing less," Yvonne said. She dropped her voice. "Er — we're all quite well-acquainted with your brother."
"Ah." I winced. "Sorry."
"It's not your fault!" Yvonne looked aghast. "Obviously not. But we want to make sure you have a pleasant time here at Hogwarts. It becomes everyone's home over time, anyway, but, well…" Yvonne trailed off, not sure how to finish her statement.
"No, no, I understand," I assured her somewhat absently. The teacher had just walked in. The class quieted down immediately. It was as if he had turned everyone mute.
He slammed his briefcase on his desk. Everyone jumped.
"Morning, everyone," he said with grim good humor. "Had a lovely vacation?"
No one answered.
"When I ask a question, I expect an answer," he continued, still sarcastically polite.
There was a chorus of, "Yes, Professor Berkeley."
His black-eyed gaze swept the room, and he fixed one baggy eye on me. "Ah. You the new girl?"
I swallowed and nodded. Remus nudged me. "Yes, Professor Berkeley," I amended nervously.
For a moment, he didn't say anything. Finally —
"Right. Let's jump right in. You're lucky, everyone, today I'm just going to cover some extremely simple new material. You'll all know of these, but I doubt you'll know how to use them. We're going to cover Dark Detectors. This — " he fished in his pocket for something " — this is a Sneakoscope. I'm sure many of you have bought the cheap Zonko's kind, but this is the real thing…"
For the next two hours, he demonstrated and explained several different Dark Detectors. I never lost interest for a moment: this was the sort of stuff I wanted to learn, but never did under my father's unrelenting rule.
I would love to be able to spend my life doing this, I thought ecstatically.
Professor Berkeley showed us his Sneakoscope, his Secrecy Sensor, his Foe-Glass, his Reality Radar ("…shows any hidden power in a wizard except their being Animagus, nothing can pick that up, but it'll show if they're a Metamorphamagus or something like that…really rare, these are, only ten in the world, I was lucky to get my hands on this; you sort of beam it at them like this…"), and several other fascinating gadgets. Though the explanations lasted for an hour and a half, I was never bored.
During the last half hour, Professor Berkeley invited us to come inspect the devices ourselves. As there were only eighteen people in the class, and at least twelve contraptions, it was not mass pandemonium. However, it was loud enough for the professor to casually pull me aside and say, "Look, Macnair, if you ever have trouble…with, you know, your brother, or any of his sort, let me know if I can help."
Utterly mortified, I nodded and squeaked, "Yes, sir." Then I made my escape to where my friends were clustered around the Reality Radar.
Sirius was holding it up, examining it from all angles. "Hey, Remus, wonder what'll happen if I point it at — "
"Be quiet, Sirius," Remus growled.
"No, honestly, I could just press this button — "
"Be quiet, Sirius."
"Leave him alone, you," Yvonne ordered, poking Sirius. "How would you like it if I pointed that thing at you?"
Sirius shrugged, grinning at Remus and tossing the small Reality Radar to James. "You'd not find anything special." He winked at his friends. James and Peter smiled smugly back. Remus was still put out about something.
Lily had taken the Radar from James and was also studying. "Professor Berkeley?"
"Hmm?"
"This detects that the person has a secret power, yes, but…where does it say what exactly the person's power is?"
"Well…it doesn't."
Her green eyes widened. "It doesn't? Then – then what good is it?"
"At least you'll know there's something fishy about the person. It's your job as an Auror to find out exactly what's amiss."
He sent us on our way, and we trotted towards the Charms classroom.
"And that," Lily commented wryly, "was Professor Berkeley."
"I thought he was an excellent teacher," I ventured timidly.
"Oh, aye, excellent he is," James said agreeably. "But he's a bit scary, even after four years we're a bit in awe of him. He was a break from our old professor, though, she was a demon. Scared us out of our miserable first-year pants."
"Which you didn't mind, in Lily's case," Sirius snickered.
"OY!"
Peter, Remus, Lily, Vicky, Yvonne, and I rolled our eyes as Sirius bolted down the hall, James hard on his heels. They were sitting in two chairs in the Charms classroom when we arrived there, red in the face and panting.
"Serves you right," Lily scolded James, who was wheezing and clutching his side. Yvonne said something similar to Sirius, who just shook his head, eyes closed.
In this class, I sat between Lily and Vicky. I couldn't suppress a slight pang of disappointment; Remus was sitting three seats away from me. However, I forgot it soon enough, for Vicky was quite good company too.
Just because you seem to be interested in a boy doesn't mean you throw away your other new friends, I thought uneasily. I was terribly disappointed with myself now.
Tiny Professor Flitwick had nearly the same reaction to me that Berkeley had had, only Flitwick also let out a tiny squeak when he stumbled across my name in attendance.
Flitwick also seemed inclined to let the class take it easy that day. We spent the entire class studying different charms for stopping an enemies' movements, all in varying levels of difficulty.
"Petrificus Totalus," I said somewhat timidly, pointing my wand at Vicky. There were only about five minutes of class left, and we were practicing the charms on each other.
Nothing happened. "Come on, you've got to have more conviction than that," Vicky said with a grin. "What would you do if I were a charging Death Eater?"
I laughed outright and glanced at Remus, who practicing with Peter. Peter, it seemed, was not a particularly proficient wizard. Remus was standing there, looking bored, as feeble red sparks fizzled out of the end of Peter's wand.
"I feel a rather sorry for him, too," Vicky said, misreading the expression on my face. "Remus is too clever at this to have to deal with Peter, who, poor kid, isn't exactly good at this." She shrugged. "Nothing we can do about it now, though. Here, try that spell on me again, and try to imagine I'm someone you really hate."
Pictures of my father, Walden, and, unaccountably, Severus Snape, flashed through my mind. I raised my wand and shouted, "Petrificus Totalus!"
Vicky froze, and I dashed over to keep her from falling over. Quickly, I muttered the counter-curse.
"Much better," she said approvingly, as Flitwick trilled, "Class dismissed!"
We gathered our belongings quickly, eager to eat before facing our afternoon classes. Again, Sirius and James bolted for the Gryffindor common room. Remus chuckled and followed after them with an easy, loping stride, and Peter jogged after him, puffing gracelessly. We girls were content to walk down the hall, laughing and gossiping.
It struck me again how lucky I was to have escaped my old life, how lucky I was to be here with friends to laugh with. Perhaps it was wrong to rejoice in someone's death, even the death of someone so deserving as my father, but the emotion would not be stayed.
Lily, Vicky, and I had almost reached the portrait-hole when two blurs sped out of them. "You're dead, Black!" one yelled. To my surprise and hidden amusement, it was not James, but Remus.
"Just because I — OOF!"
Remus had taken a flying leap and tackled Sirius around the waist. Together, they smashed to the stone floor with an audible thud. Everyone in the corridor winced.
Both were laughing so hard they barely had the strength to playfully pummel each other. "I'm going to kill you!" Remus wheezed, feebly punching Sirius in the stomach.
Sirius's face was turning bright red, he was laughing so hard. "Like – to see – you – try," he gasped, putting Remus into an awfully weak headlock. Remus wriggled out of it, then lay spread-eagled on the ground, chest shaking as he laughed uproariously.
James stepped over, an expression of supreme smugness on his face. "Now, what's this ruckus? Tsk, tsk — Remus, you're a prefect, you should know better."
"Oh, go away."
"Insubordinate cur!" James pounced on the unsuspecting form of Remus.
I, however, frowned. Something almost akin to fear had flickered across Remus's face when James called him an insubordinate cur.
Lily tugged on my sleeve. "Come on, Seiri. We'll be late to lunch."
I tore my eyes away from the teasingly scuffling Marauders regretfully. Remus looked even better like that, completely natural and happy. I chewed my bottom lip worriedly. Somehow I thought he'd never act that way with me.
Probably because I'd never know how to act like that. It was true. I could never make Remus happy, no matter how happy he made me.
I sighed and deposited my belongings in the common room, still a bit depressed.
Vicky noticed and commented on it at lunch. "Something the matter, Seiri?"
I snapped to attention. "Oh, no. Well…" I hesitated. Could I trust them?
No, that voice at the back of my mind hissed. You've only known them for a day, and remember, you can't trust anyone. You trusted Walden once, and look at how he is now.
They were waiting for me to say something, though. "I'm just a bit worried for Transfiguration," I finished lamely, briefly recalling the Toadstool Incident. "I was never a very good hand at it."
The Marauders plopped down next to us at this point. All were red-faced and chuckling except James, who was rather pale and wore an odd look on his face.
"Why'd you leave, girls?" Sirius queried merrily. "You missed the best part, Remus here accidentally kneed James right in the — "
"That's enough, Sirius," James and Remus interrupted together. Remus's face was now more the pink of blushing, and James had just regained a bit of color.
Lily poked Remus in the chest. "None of that, now. Leave his manhood alone."
"Believe me, it wasn't something I meant to do," he protested, holding his hands up defensively.
"You know you want it," James said winsomely.
"You wish."
"I know I do." James nudged Remus suggestively. Remus shoved him back and started in on a turkey sandwich.
Our meal passed by happily, with the Marauders as our entertainment. James and Sirius were obviously the two main troublemakers of the group: together, they ganged up on Peter and goaded Remus into being sarcastic.
It was a special treat for me: I saw a completely different side of Remus, and I also got to watch him and examine his features. With every moment, I felt myself falling faster and deeper into something I hesitated to call love.
To my great embarrassment, it was Remus himself who disturbed my thoughts by catching my eye as I watched him. "By the way, Seiri, I asked Sir Nick, and he says there's an old classroom he knows of that's empty and will provide anyone who goes there with music."
I blinked. "'Provide us with music'? What does he mean?"
Remus shrugged. "Dunno. He could have been joking, of course, but knowing this castle, he was telling the truth."
I smiled shyly. "That would be lovely."
We had to head off to our next class by then, Double Transfigurations. I had not been lying to Lily and Vicky when I said I was nervous for Transfigurations; it had never been a strong point for me. I'd received more than half of my injuries in my home Transfigurations lessons, and so I was used to being physically reprimanded in that class.
I had nothing to fear besides an unnaturally strict teacher in Professor McGonagall. She, out of all the teachers, was the only one determined to tax us that day: we immediately jumped into self-transfiguration, which left us all staggering and groaning when we emerged from her classroom.
"Godric, that hurt," Peter complained.
No one answered — most of us were too busy twitching and taking stock of our injuries. It wasn't that we were bruised or bloody, it was more that you got a very odd feeling when you transfigured your hand into a mousetrap.
"I think we should tell our parents — " Peter continued.
"Shut up, Pete," Sirius interrupted, disgusted. "Like our parents'd care. They'd probably cheer McGonagall on. Bloody hell, why a mousetrap? Now my hand feels all snappish."
For once in my life, I was thankful for my atrocious Transfigurations skills: I hadn't actually managed to turn my hand into anything very much like a mousetrap, although it still looked distinctly wooden.
Remus sidled over to me as we walked through the halls. "Do you want to set a day for that, er, music — thing?" he fumbled a bit, peering down at me anxiously through his faded brown bangs.
I opened my mouth to reply and walked straight into someone.
Beet red, I started to say, "Oh, I'm so sorry." Then I saw who it was.
Severus Snape sneered at me. "Look who it is, the little blood traitor. Walden isn't very happy, you know."
I glared at him mutinously and then looked away. I couldn't meet that empty black gaze any longer.
Remus and Sirius positioned themselves a little closer to me. Sirius folded his arms implacably. "Bugger off, you little piece of filth."
Snape stared at him coolly, hatred flickering in his eyes. "I'd like to see you make me."
"Would you really — " Sirius started forward, rolling up his sleeves, but Yvonne caught him by the back of his robes.
Snape smirked. "Oh, yes, Black's little pet — "
Lily shoved her way forward. "Get out of here, Snivellus." Her emerald gaze was filled with anger, her voice brimming with irate scorn. "They've done nothing to you this year. Neither has Seiri. So leave us alone."
Snape sneered hideously and brushed by us, taking the time to whisper in my ear, "Walden would like a word with you sometime this week, so be ready for it."
The Marauders glowered after him. I was nearly afraid that they would kill him: all four were purple with suppressed rage, Sirius had his wand out, and Remus's fists were clenched. Lily was visibly restraining James from going after him.
Vicky's delicate face was worried. "Come on," she said. "Let's just go to the common room."
Yvonne took Sirius aside to whisper something in his ear and kiss him lightly. He nodded tersely, calming down, and kissed her back. Wordlessly, he led the way to the common room.
Supper that night was a quiet affair. The Marauders were still visibly upset over something. Eventually, I leaned over and asked Vicky about it, very quietly.
Her expression was still troubled. "The Marauders and Snape have been at war with each other since they first arrived at the school. They spent five and a half years jinxing each other whenever they had they chance, until, just at the end of last year, they decided enough was enough after they got in big trouble for something or other. Just the sight of him still makes them angry, though, and they feel completely helpless not being able to curse him to oblivion. And I'll tell you what — " here she lowered her voice " — I really think Remus was especially angry at the way Snape threatened you. He always used to stay out of their teasing him, but this time he was absolutely livid. It takes a bit to get Remus that angry."
I glanced at Remus, who was staring at his untouched plate, eyes burning. I noticed that the others were casting him concerned looks as well. James leaned over and whispered something to him; Remus shook his head shortly, which alleviated the expression of near fear on James's face. James still, however, seemed a bit thoughtful.
I braved Remus as we headed back up to the Gryffindor common room. Cautiously, I touched his shoulder. "Remus?"
He stopped and turned to me. The others went by. Lily cast me a curious look, but at a subtle nod from me, she hurried on, only stopping once to look back at us before James gingerly took her hand and led her on again.
"Remus, I'm sorry about what happened today," I said carefully.
He shrugged, face expressionless. "It wasn't your fault."
"I know. But, Remus — please, don't worry about me. Walden may yell at me, but somehow I don't think he'll go so far as to hurt me here."
Remus heaved a sigh. "You're probably right." He tried to smile at me. "I just don't want to see you hurt, Seiri." Light as a feather, he touched my shoulder, then started walking away.
A whisper of a sigh passed from my lips, and I followed him.
~*~
I don't wanna run away, but I can't take it
I don't understand
If I'm not made for you,
Then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms?
Chapter 5: Resentment by MoonysMistress
Disclaimer: Erm…see previous chapter? Right. I'm not J.K. Rowling, and all. You know the drill. Songs are, respectively, "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson and "She Will Be Loved" by Maroon 5. *melts again* Also, I shamelessly stole the line "Empty chairs at empty tables" from the musical Les Miserables. Yes, I am perfectly aware that the play came out in 1987. Shh...
~*~
A week flashed by before I had even realized what happened. Over those next four days, I grew even closer to the Marauders and the girls. All seven of them, including Yvonne, seemed determined to keep me in good spirits.
Friday dawned sunny and clear, and for the first time, I woke up feeling as if this was indeed a good omen.
"Right, you know what this calls for?" James said at breakfast.
Mouths full, we shook our heads. "What calls for what?" Peter finally asked.
"We deserve a bit of an impromptu party, to celebrate our survival of our first week," James declared proudly.
"Brilliant!" Lily beamed. James smiled proudly and raised her hand to his lips. She giggled.
Everyone else looked away. Remus caught my eye and grinned. I covered my mouth, trying not to laugh.
James and Lily's relationship had progressed at a remarkably fast rate. They'd gone from being awfully shy around each other to awfully affectionate.
Lily had gotten over her earlier animosity towards James by the end of our first day there. "He really is being a dear," she had admitted to us that second night in the dormitory. "Now that he's stopped hexing people left and right, I feel like a bit of an ass for not going out with him sooner. But now I think he's rather a sweet boy."
"It also helps that he's a tan, muscular Quidditch player, eh?" Vicky had commented wickedly.
Lily had grinned unabashedly. "That does help a bit…"
By now, they were up to the stage where James would walk her to class with his arm around her waist while she smiled up at him sweetly. It was adorable, in a highly sickening way.
"Should we make a trip or two?" Sirius asked James cryptically. I came back to the present.
"Oh, I think we should," James agreed, winking secretively. "What say you, Moony?"
I raised my eyebrows at the nickname.
'Moony' shrugged and calmly swallowed a bite of toast. "You can go ahead, I'll stay safe."
"Why don't you two ever ask me about what we should do?" Peter pouted.
"Because we know you'll go along with us," Sirius commented carelessly, waving one hand dismissively.
"And you usually can't keep your mouth shut, so keeping you in the dark is always the best way to go," James added, somewhat maliciously. "Sorry, Pete."
Something flickered across Peter's chubby little face, too fast for me to really see what it was. I shivered.
"It is a bit drafty in here, isn't it?" Ella said, misreading my shudder.
I nodded absently. "Yes…a bit."
"Here now," Sirius said suddenly. "I'd like to propose a toast."
I had a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach right about then that I knew who the toast would be directed at.
"To our new friend. May the rest of her weeks at Hogwarts be as cheery as this one!" Sirius beamed as he downed his cup of pumpkin juice. The rest followed suit while I, blushing wildly, stared at the ceiling and pretended nothing was happening to me.
Remus drank obligingly, but when he set his goblet down, he said, "Sirius Black, you are completely and utterly bereft of tact."
"What did I do?" Sirius asked innocently.
Remus shook his head. "It's not even worth it."
As we stood and started walking towards our first class of the day, Potions, Remus said to me, "Sirius thinks that everyone in the world is like him: public and without any sense of dignity."
I laughed. "It's all right. I'm quite nearly used to him by now."
In a remarkably short time, I had put away my earlier shyness around my new friends and carefully emerged from my shell, poking my head into a happy, laughing world that I had previously never known existed. My friends had taught me how to laugh and feel free, and I gradually showed them that my gentle wit did belong with them.
"I don't think anyone ever gets used to Sirius," Remus said.
Our morning classes flew by quickly and without mishap. I spent Potions helping Remus — he happens to be an abysmal Potions student, whereas I was schooled very thoroughly in this subject by my father — and Charms practicing assorted hexes with my usual partner, Vicky.
During supper, I thought of bringing up the music room again with Remus, then sadly decided against it. He hadn't brought it up again during that week, so he must not have been as interested as he had originally seemed.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Lily teased.
I raised an eyebrow. "That's all my mind is worth? How embarrassing."
Lily shook her head, chuckling. "You know, you've changed a lot from when we first met on the train."
I shrugged, smiling softly. "I suppose it's like taking in a street cat. It'll become amiable and amusing in a loving environment."
"Interesting analogy."
I smiled a bit. "I do try."
I looked up and saw Remus watching me, a little smile on his lips. "Yes?" I asked with fake casualness. His smile still managed to make my throat tighten.
He shrugged as well. "Nothing, really. I just agree with Lily. You…really are different."
"That's not bad, I hope?"
"Of course not!" He looked almost affronted that I'd suggest such a thing.
I grinned. "Just checking." I checked my watch. "Time to get to D.A.D.A."
It was a rather odd day in that class. We entered quietly, but then became even more silent, for Berkeley was sitting at his desk, head buried in his hands.
"What d'you think's the matter with him?" Remus asked, jerking his head in Berkeley's direction. His thin face was concerned.
"I don't know," I replied, frowning as I set my books on a table. "Poor man looks terrible. Maybe today's lesson is upsetting to him."
It turned out that I was right. The lesson dealt with summoning and identification of several gruesome and frightening symbols of evil.
"The Dark Mark is the best known one by now," Berkeley told us shakily, "but there's loads more…you kids don't even know the half of it…"
We found that over every person who had been Imperius-ed hovered a serpent strangling a doll, invisible to the of everyone except for the one who performed the curse and those he or she chose to reveal it to. At the site of a Cruciatus Curse performance was a ghostly, twisted red knife. Every time a dementor performed its Kiss, gray vapor would form the shape of an oval with two holes near the top and a slash at the bottom: a featureless, empty face. And there was so much more…so much more pain, so much more trauma…
Everyone walked out of that particular class white and shaking. I felt as if I might be sick.
"So that's why he looked so upset," Yvonne said in a hushed voice.
We shot her curious glances, although no one could bring themselves to ask what she was talking about.
"When I used to go to the hospital wing…" She trailed off and blushed, absentmindedly rubbing her side. "Well, I went down there once, and he was there, sobbing something terrible. It was…difficult to have to hear what he was saying next. He kept repeating, 'I can still see it, Poppy…that skull over my own house…she hadn't done anything to him, she was just there…' I think that You-Know-Who murdered his wife, or daughter, or even a sister." She shuddered, and Sirius slipped a comforting arm around her waist and kissed her forehead.
"Somehow," James said bleakly, "I'm not much in the mood for a party tonight. Sucked all the fun out of it, that class did."
"Come now," Sirius protested weakly, "we can't duck out. All right, that class was extremely depressing and creepy. A party is exactly what we need to brighten our outlook for the weekend. We'll just – just put our stuff in the common room, and then go to dinner, and plan everything out, and celebrate the coming weekend."
"The coming opportunity to finish all our bloody homework," Vicky muttered darkly.
"See? We don't want that sort of thinking," Sirius said indignantly. "Come everyone — to the common room!" He kissed Yvonne lingeringly, regretfully, then started trotting down the hall, stopping ever so often to wave at her over his shoulder.
We followed him obediently and put our stuff down. On the way down, I excused myself to use the girls' lavatory. "I'll be right down," I assured them. "Go on ahead."
They did so, and accordingly, I used the toilet. I reemerged in the hallway and prepared to follow my friends down to the Great Hall.
I hadn't counted on Walden.
A strong hand gripped my shoulder and spun me harshly, slamming me against the stone wall violently. The breath exploded from my body.
"You," he whispered, his voice shaking with rage as he gripped my shoulders. His eyes were flint, with little sparks of fire in them. "You filthy – you traitorous – you vile — "
"Let me go."
I said it calmly, without struggle, but it was enough to stun him for a moment. Never before had I made the slightest pretense of fighting back.
When he regained his wits, he boxed my ears so hard I thought I would black out. "Don't you dare say that to me, scum! I will let you go when I'm finished with you, and believe me, it hasn't even started yet."
A slap. "Do you know what I've had to deal with in my house? The shame? The mocking?" A kick in the shin. "Grandfather is furious, I wouldn't be surprised if he kills you. You're not to come back to his house — we don't want sodding Gryffindors there." A scratch of ragged nails across my face.
"My pleasure! Why would I want to go back there anyway?" By now, I was angry, and not even thinking of the consequences, blinded by my new-found hatred of my treacherous brother. I spat in his face.
Walden grabbed my by my shoulders and shook me with frightening ferocity, eventually causing my head to whip backwards and crack against the unforgiving stone. I sank to the ground, doubled over in pain and clutching my head. I wanted so badly to go unconscious, oh, so much, anything but live with this pain, but I remained stubbornly awake.
He kicked me viciously in the side, and I curled around it. To my surprise, he didn't follow up his advantage, but stepped back.
Fighting off waves of dizziness, I clambered to my feet, watching warily. I could feel the sticky blood trickling down my scalp, soaking my hair.
"And now," Walden panted, raising a fist, "here's where it really starts — "
"GET AWAY FROM HER!"
A blurry shape hurtled down the hall, crashed into Walden, and began pounding my twin.
It took me a moment to register that it was Sirius. My throat moved desperately but noiselessly. When it finally worked again, an unearthly shriek welled from my mouth. "NO! Sirius, Walden, stop!"
The patter of footsteps filled the hall, but my mind dwelled only on the two shapes that were tangled on the floor, apparently determined to cause each other as much pain as Walden had just caused me.
Frantically, I seized a handful of black robes and tried to pull it away from the fray. A hand emerged and backhanded me so brutally that my lip split and also began oozing blood sluggishly. The coppery taste stained my mouth.
"Please!" I begged. "Just stop!" An unfamiliar noise tore at my throat, and suddenly, it was hard to breathe, and my vision was unfocused. Dazedly, I turned away from the fight, touching my face. It was damp and slippery, and when I pulled my hand away, I expected to see blood. I didn't.
I was…crying.
This realization only made me weep harder, and the tears fell, faster and faster, and the footsteps were only getting louder…
I buried my face in my hands, ashamed, hiding my sorrow.
"Oh my — James, get over here quick! Stop them! Frank, Ben, you too!"
It was Remus. I couldn't bring myself to look up. I heard clamor all around me, but I was stuck in my own moment, embarrassed by this show of emotion.
"Seiri? Seiri, please look up."
I heaved a shuddering breath mixed with a whimper.
"Please."
I lifted my face and blearily focused on his above me. Wordlessly, he opened his arms to me, and I found myself falling forward into them, crying quietly but without restraint into his warm shoulder. He held me tightly. "Godric, I'm sorry…" he murmured in my ear. His hand touched the back of my head and met the blood there. "He hurt you, didn't he." It wasn't a question. "That you should be stuck with that wretch of a brother…Seiri, it will all be all right. We'll make it right. We'll all help you."
I continued to cry, slowly calming under the influence of his soft voice and his comforting embrace. Sadly, this was probably the most romantic thing that had ever happened to me, but I was too distraught to focus on that.
I finally felt composed enough to break away from him. He looked me deep in the eye. "Lily is right down the hall. I want you to go to her and have you taken to the hospital wing."
"I can't…" I whispered brokenly. "I can't tell Madam Pomfrey what happened. He'd kill me…"
"Then lie and tell her you fell into a suit of armor," he said sensibly. "But those need some treatment. James and Frank have broken them up, and we'll try to patch everything up." He squeezed my shoulder and walked away.
I was left to thread my way through the crowd alone, fruitlessly endeavoring to ignore the curious glances cast my way. I kept my eyes down until I ran straight into someone and was engulfed by another pair of arms.
"I'm sorry, Seiri," Lily said simply.
I didn't cry this time, only stood limply while she hugged me. Peter, Vicky, and Ella hovered nervously on the fringes.
"Let's get you down to the hospital wing."
The four formed a sort of protective wall around me, shielding me from sight. As they escorted me down the hall, I couldn't help but look back. Walden stood, restrained by several Slytherins. A black eye was starting to show, and his gaze towards me was loathing and murderous.
The new Nero Macnair was rising. My life would be lived in fear. My father's legacy lived on in his son.
~*~
Because of you,
I never stray too far from the sidewalks.
Because of you,
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you,
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you, I am afraid…
~*~
I spent two hours down in the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey bustled and clucked a great deal, applying healing salves to my wounds and telling me I'd have to be down there for at least an hour while they did their work.
I had other plans in mind, however, and took advantage of the great silence of the hospital wing. The only noises were the occasional whimpers from other occupants, but besides that, pure, blessed silence.
I had forced my friends into something I didn't want them in: the personal strife between Walden and me. I was putting them in nearly as much danger as I was in myself. Now Walden and his followers were especially angry at Sirius, who had already been a black mark on the pureblood records…
Remus.
I ground my teeth and buried my face in my hands.
What if, somehow, they found out about Remus? He was my weakness.
What was I supposed to do? Now that I had experienced friendship and love, I couldn't just give it up. But I'd have to.
And then a little voice said, No.
This wasn't fair! Just because I happened to be stuck with a brother like Walden, I would have to deny myself happiness? That since I had been brought up in an abusive family, I would forever live in lonely misery?
I wouldn't take this. I deserved something in my life, and if Walden tried to take up the quarrel with my friends, I would somehow make him pay. Somehow.
Besides, I thought somewhat guiltily as I slid off the bed, something tells me they wouldn't take well to it if I stopped being friendly to them.
I said goodbye to Madam Pomfrey and thanked her, then emerged in the corridor, muscles a bit tense. Walden would know that I had gone to the hospital wing, and so could be waiting to ambush me at any moment.
So this is how my life will always be like, I couldn't help thinking, always peering around corners to make sure my death doesn't lie beyond one of them.
I reached the portrait of the Fat Lady and composed myself, putting on a smile. That way, they'd all see that I was over what had happened two hours previous, or at least pretending to be.
"Thestral Wings," I said to the Fat Lady. She swung open, and I crawled inside.
When I was straightened, a very…er, interesting sight met my eyes.
Three quarters of the Marauders had apparently decided to turn exhibitionist that night. Sirius was lying on the sofa, his shirt completely off and lying crumpled on the floor, along with his tie, jumper, and undershirt. The firelight played over his pale skin and highlighted the well-defined muscles under it. James and Lily sat nestled together at the end of the same sofa. James's shirt was not off, but it was open all the way and exposed his tan chest and hard Quidditch muscles. Lily rested her head on his chest, eyes half-closed.
The best and most unexpected for me was the sight of Remus curled up in an armchair, reading a book, his shirt halfway unbuttoned and revealing glimpses of thin, but somehow strong, pectoral muscles.
Peter was the only one who had remained in his full school uniform, although he had shed the tie. He was sitting in the comfy seat closest to the fire. Near him, on the small, two-person sofa, I could see the backs of Ella's and Vicky's heads, bent together in solemn conversation.
The table was littered with food of all sorts, with several bottles of some substance that I prayed was not alcoholic.
Taking a deep breath, I walked over to them, and found that my fake smile had even turned genuine. Frankly, the scene was touching, and I was glad that I would be a part of it.
Everyone's heads snapped up, and hopeful smiles decorated peaceful faces. Suddenly shy again, I tugged one unruly dark-auburn curl. "I'm all right," I answered the unspoken question. "I'm over it."
Sirius sat up, his messy black hair a startling contrast to his ivory face and torso. "Peter, make room for the lady," he barked out, grinning gleefully.
Peter hurriedly slid off the chair. I smiled at him gratefully, causing him to blush bright red, and sank into the chair.
Ella leaned forward. "You're sure you're fine?"
I nodded. "I'm sure."
"It's just…we've never seen you cry before…" she said carefully.
"It was just the shock of it," I assured her soberly. "It was somewhat unexpected." I turned to Sirius. "And you, Mr. Black..." He assumed a hangdog 'who, me?' expression. "Yes, you, Sirius. Let me fight my own battles. I…"
Here I hesitated. However much they might have guessed about my life, they did not know for certain that I had been beaten as a child, and as of now, I still wasn't comfortable enough to freely admit it.
"I can deal with he doles out to me," I resumed. "I'm not quite as weak as I appear." Unconsciously, I rubbed my throat, stroking the hidden scars. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw both Remus and Lily frown.
Sirius looked aghast. "I don't think you're weak!"
"Then let me fight for myself," I repeated. "I don't want to draw any of you into my familial…complications." And the subject was closed.
I pointed to one of the brown bottles. "What is that?"
"Butterbeer!" James said enthusiastically, taking a swig from a nearby bottle. "Warms you right up."
I fixed him with a reproachful stare. "I'm sure it does."
He chuckled. "Don't worry, Seiri. It's not alcoholic."
Haltingly – I had become used to Marauder pranks in the short time I had known them – I picked up a bottle and took a sip.
My eyes widened. "Well!" was all I could say.
"Good, innit?" Sirius asked proudly, taking an enormous swallow from his own bottle.
"It's certainly…original," I replied. My stomach felt unusually warm and fizzy, filled to the brim with mellow, vanilla-tasting liquid.
Vicky picked up a small package and tossed it to me. "Try it, it's a Chocolate Frog."
Sirius grinned. "Right then. Let's party."
~*~
"No more tea, thanks, Mrs. Potter…"
I smiled indulgently at the sleeping, half-naked form of Sirius. His mouth was open, and I had been listening to him talk in his sleep for the past fifteen minutes. Oddly, he was quite persistent over not wanting more tea from James's mother.
It was about half-past midnight, and the others had long since fallen asleep. All that was left of our feast were empty bottles and wrappers.
"Empty chairs at empty tables," a voice said softly.
I jumped, startled. Not only had I not known that anyone else was awake, but whoever it was had spoken aloud almost exactly what I had been thinking. "Who's awake?" I asked.
A chuckle. "I'll give you a hint: I'm not Sirius."
I smiled to myself happily. "Funny, Remus. What sort of hint is that?"
A shadow stood and went over to the fire, poking it unceremoniously. "It's too dark in here for proper conversation," Remus explained.
Several coals sputtered indignantly, then slowly gave off a bit more light.
While he was doing so, I glanced around somewhat wildly. Sirius, James, and Lily were on the same couch they had been on, but Peter, Vicky, and Ella were sprawled on the floor. The two-person couch was free…
As if he had read my mind again, Remus plopped onto said couch and nodded toward the space next to him. "It'll be easier to see each other this way. Fire's nearly gone out."
I gulped. "Well…but…I like this chair…"
Remus gave me a sidelong look, and said, "Oh. I see. You think being a bookworm is contagious."
"What — " I started to protest, then realized he was joking and laughed a bit hysterically. "That's not fair."
"Come on, Seiri, I don't bite," he teased. The dim firelight turned his face into a series of hollows and hills, his blue eyes burning in their sockets. Perhaps it was only the flickering of the fire that made me think I saw a shadowy expression pass over his face. Or perhaps not…
Hesitantly, I settled onto the sofa next to him, trying not to be obvious about the fact that I was sitting as far away from him as possible.
He didn't seem to notice. "How'd you enjoy your first Marauder party?"
I grinned. "It was nice."
"Just nice? We were trying our hardest to make it as fun for you as possible, considering what had just happened."
I sighed. "I appreciate it. Really, I do. And it was more than nice, it was…extraordinary."
He smiled, looking satisfied. "That's good to hear. Are you sure you're all right about…I mean, d'you want to…what I'm trying to say is, what happened earlier…" Remus gazed at me helplessly.
Unfortunately, I couldn't help him. "Erm…I'm not exactly sure what you're getting at, Remus…" I confessed embarrassedly.
He exhaled sharply. "The…fight. D'you want to…you know, talk about it, or anything?"
Oddly, I felt let down. For one breathless moment, I had thought he was talking about the hug he had given me earlier.
"It's just…er, well, I'm here to listen. You know."
I suppressed a chuckle. He looked so cute and awkward: his light brown bangs were in desperate need of a trim, and his earnest blue-green eyes showed nothing but helpfulness. Almost without knowing it, I let down my guard and allowed myself to edge closer to him.
"There's nothing really to say," I said. "It's…over. Or at least, as over as a matter like blood betrayal can be in my family." Remembering the expression on Walden's face, I shivered, suddenly and violently.
Remus made a sudden movement toward me, then abruptly checked it and leaned over to the table instead, tossing me his jumper.
I took it, touched, and pulled it on, reveling in its boyish scent. Somehow it felt like Remus had his arms wrapped around me again…
No more, I ordered myself sternly, and was once again quite aware of the little amount of space on the two-person couch. Damn couch, I thought at it. I also cursed Lily, James, and Sirius for taking up the larger couch.
Silence descended — not a bad silence, but a silence all the same, interrupted only by the periodic crackling of sizzling logs. I stared at them curiously, and felt my eyelids start to close…
Joyful laughter…the sound of bells…a flash of red…light glinting off of twin mirrors…"Good man! — "
I jerked myself back to reality. It had happened again, this strange sensation of seeing something that wasn't there! What was happening to me? And what did it mean? Granted, this vision, or whatever it was, was far more benevolent and enjoyable than the other one, but I still didn't relish the thought of spending my life seeing things that weren't there.
If this is a gift, I thought mutinously, I don't want it.
Suddenly, I was aware that Remus was frowning at me curiously, and blushed.
He leaned forward, and I tried to stop myself from inching away. BLASTED COUCH! I wanted so much to be closer to Remus, and that was exactly what wouldn't do, so all I had left to do was stay farther away. Our hands were a mere inch apart. I curled mine into a fist and started nibbling on my thumbnail.
"Seiri," he whispered, "what are you afraid of?"
I blinked. That was exactly what I wasn't expecting.
"Well…" I answered slowly, "…Walden. I'm afraid my father will come back to life in him. And…hurting my friends, directly or indirectly. Being an outcast. Never being able to feel anything." That you don't love me. "What about you?"
His eyes were bleak as he stared at his hands. "Losing the ones I love, especially by my own fault." He shuddered. "I can face anything but that."
I touched his shoulder lightly, and he turned to me, gratitude in his eyes. Time stood still for a moment.
Then he broke it by smiling crookedly and saying, "Although I'm not sure I'd particularly like failing out of Hogwarts, either."
I chuckled, hurriedly withdrawing my hand. Curse you, I thought at myself furiously. You're dead gone on him now. "Don't be ridiculous, Remus. Besides James and Sirius, you're the smartest in our classes."
"Frivolous fleas that they are. And don't forget Lily."
"Right, Lily too," I agreed.
We talked for awhile longer, then settled into comfortable silence. I felt my eyelids begin to shut and snapped them back open. On this small couch, sleep could be deadly…
"You look awfully tired, Seiri," Remus offered nervously.
I couldn't suppress a yawn. "A…bit…"
"Well…I mean…if you want to, er…if you'd like to lie down…what I'm saying is…I've heard human shoulders are more comfortable than they look," he finished feebly.
It took me quite a long time to figure out what he was trying to say. "Oh. Oh! Well…that's really all right…" I protested, turning an incredible shade of pink.
"I just thought…you know, since they stole all the pillows," he explained, gesturing vaguely at all the others. He was almost as red as I. "I don't mind, really. I'm comfortable the way I am, but I thought you looked a bit kind of cramped…"
Possibly because I was squished as close to the armrest as I could be without being too obvious.
Why not? the reckless part of my mind thought. He's offering, after all. Besides, didn't he say before that you could count him as a 'surrogate brother'? A brother, nothing more.
Much as this thought distressed me, I delicately laid my head on his shoulder. "You make a nice pillow," I said, them immediately regretted it.
Remus laughed. "Thanks. Wonderful commendation, that."
"…Remus?"
"Yes?"
"Thanks for listening to me."
"Anytime," he murmured as I drifted off to sleep. "Anytime."
~*~
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with a broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved…
Chapter 6: Grace by MoonysMistress
Disclaimer: Well, um, I'm not J.K. Rowling, so if anything in here is hers, then I didn't invent it. Anything unrecognizable is hopefully my own, except for the song snippet, "Music of the Night" from The Phantom of the Opera by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Yup.
~*~
Another couple of weeks went by, during which time I never talked to Remus about music. He was sick in the middle of our second week at Hogwarts, and after that I didn't want to disturb him.
The only problem was, I didn't know where Nick's music room was. To find out, I would actually have to talk to Nick, a task from which I continually shied. The occult was not something I was particularly fond of.
By Thursday of our third week, I could put it off no longer. The itch to play was nagging at me persistently, and I thought I would scream if I couldn't in the near future. Right after classes, I summoned my courage and braved Sir Nick.
For a moment I stood poised, about to tap his shoulder. Then I realized how silly and potentially embarrassing that would be. Clearing my throat, I said, "Er, Nick? I mean, Sir Nicholas?"
The ghost turned around and beamed. "Good afternoon!" he greeted me genially, head wobbling on his severed neck. I tried not to stare. "What can I do for you, my dear?"
"Um. Well." I was going nowhere fast. "Perhaps, er…has Remus Lupin ever talked to you about a music room?" I spat out desperately.
"Ah, so you're the girl he wanted to play with!" Nick said.
Ignoring all the different connotations that could have and sticking with the innocent truth, I replied, "Well…um, yes. Er, where is the room?"
Nick frowned. "What about Mr. Lupin?"
Oh, dear. "I wanted to go and, erm…tune," I lied.
"Without eating anything?" Nick managed to appear suspicious and wistful at the same time. "Eat while you still can, I like to say." He sighed heavily.
Feeling awfully guilty, I answered in a small voice, "I'm not that hungry. But, um, I'll go down to the kitchens later?"
Nick's face cleared marginally, although he still looked skeptical. "Well, if you're sure…come along, then, I'll show you where it is."
I already had my instruments carefully hidden in my book satchel. Now I followed Nick as he led me on a dizzying route of corridors and turns. I despaired of ever being able to return to the room — if it was this confusing with a guide, how was I supposed to find it without one?
Remus can be your guide, my fickle mind whispered.
Well, he doesn't seem very interested in it, now, does he? the rational side of me retorted. I hate my conscience.
It took me awhile to realize that Nick was talking to me. "…called the Room of Requirement by those who know of it, and trust me, very few do know of it. Many come upon it by accident, as it were; I only know of it through the grapevine. Ah, here we are!"
We stopped, and I blinked. By now we had reached the seventh floor and were in a deserted hallway. An expanse of blank wall lay on one side, while on the other was a rather gruesome tapestry of tutu-clad trolls beating a man.
"This is where I leave you," Nick told me. "All you have to do, or so I'm told, is walk by this wall three times, concentrating very hard on what it is you need in the room."
It was the 'or so I'm told' that got me. "W-what do I do if that doesn't work?" I asked nervously.
Nick winked. "Oh, it should, don't worry! Besides, it's not as if you'll be totally alone…" And he was gone before I could question him further.
My shoulders slumped. "Lovely. Just…absolutely bloody beautiful. I'm stuck in front of a mysterious wall on the seventh floor of Hogwarts, with instructions that may or may not work. Fantastic."
I sighed. "Well, no harm in trying, I suppose…" I murmured, and started pacing, picturing in my head a comfortable room full of music and musical equipment, a true instrumentalist's dream.
The third time around, I shot a glance at the wall. There was a door.
I stopped in my tracks and arched one eyebrow in the general direction of the door. "Well, well, well…" I muttered, jogging over. "Perhaps Nick's not that bad after all…"
I further apologized to Nick when I entered the room and saw it exactly as I had pictured it. The shelves were stocked with music and instrument care supplies, comfortable chairs littered the place, and stands were stacked neatly against the wall.
And there was a bird.
I hadn't thought a bird into the place, that was for certain.
On reflection as I gazed at the silent fowl, I came to the conclusion that it wasn't bothering me and wouldn't do me harm. Shrugging, I sat in the nearest seat, took out my flute, and put it together, reveling in the feeling of cool metal under my hands. Positioning my fingers, I held it to my lips and blew a note.
And something squawked into my ear, "SHARP!"
I shrieked and jumped out the chair, whirling to face whatever it was.
The bird blinked at me.
I relaxed. "Oh. It's you." I glared. "Not one for subtlety, are you?"
The bird persistently said nothing.
"You're a tuning bird, then?"
The bird stared the ceiling and pretended I wasn't there.
"Fine, then." I adjusted my flute and, from a safe distance away, blew the same note.
Again, the bird crowed, "SHARP!"
Finally, I had it perfect, and the bird hopped back to its perch. Shaking my head, I drifted over to the shelves and absently began looking through the music. Choosing a piece at random, I took the yellowing parchment and set it on a stand. For a moment I sat, fingering the flute absently, trying to remember how to play. Then, with sudden conviction, I placed it against my lips and began the song.
Joy welled up and over, thrilling me with its heady elation. Oh, how I had missed this! The simple joy of making music, a gift at once more natural and more precious than anything else I ever knew. Even Remus faded from my thoughts as the wild Celtic melody filled the room. If I had closed my eyes, I'm sure I would have seen the woods, a dusky forest from the old days. Though I couldn't do this, images of nature and beauty filled my mind and gave me sense of peace I hadn't felt for months now.
I held out the last quavering note and rested my flute into my lap with a sigh, letting the aftermath of the music settle into me.
"Oh — Seiri?"
I stiffened at the sound of the voice, then relaxed again, cursing my innate paranoia. "Hello, Remus," I said softly. For the first time since I'd met him, I felt like I couldn't talk to him. Confused, I dropped my eyes, feeling a blush mantle my cheeks.
Remus edged into the room, shutting the door quietly. Then he paused, suddenly hesitant. "Or – d'you want me to – you know – " He gestured at the door.
Absently, still dreamy, I answered, "No, leave it closed, it'll be better that way."
Then I jerked back to full consciousness.
Oh God.
I did not just say that, I thought desperately, turning even redder.
Oh, yes you did, the fickle part of my mind whispered gleefully. Think of the connotation associated with that.
I tried to wiggle out of the embarrassing pit I'd created for myself. "I mean, the music won't carry through the rest of the castle as much if the door is closed."
Remus blinked, reddening as well. "Um…well…" he faltered helplessly. "Er, I was actually asking if you wanted me to leave," he finally said.
"Oh, no, stay if you want," I said. "Not that it's my room to kick you out of, mind," I added, rather wishing I could die.
He smiled slightly. "But it is your music," he murmured, pulling up a chair nearby. I noticed he had a guitar case slung over his shoulder. "That was incredible, Seiri. Where did you learn to play like that?"
I shrugged uncomfortably. "A friend of my mother's. She used to come around a lot, until…"
Until my father kicked her out of the house for being half-blood…my mother insisted she didn't know, but my father still wasn't happy…
"Until she got married," I continued steadfastly. I could feel his eyes on me and gazed determinedly at my feet.
Remus didn't press the subject. Instead, he unzipped the case, revealing a perfectly crafted rosewood guitar.
My eyebrows shot up. "Bloody…" I breathed. "That's — "
He smiled sadly. "Expensive?"
I gulped and nodded.
"Thankfully, it's a Lupin family heirloom. Otherwise I wouldn't have it." He let out a short laugh. "Not by a long shot." Almost experimentally, he placed his fingers on the frets, much the same way as I had situated my fingers on the flute keys, and strummed a sweet, wavering chord.
I grinned despite myself. I liked the guitar, though I had never had much interest in learning it myself.
Remus played a snippet of a tune that sounded decidedly modern. "What was that?" I queried when he finished.
He smiled. "Bit of the guitar from a song by a Muggle group called The Beatles. My dad's a Muggle, he likes that sort of stuff."
"It was nice." I edged a little closer, shy and unsure. "Would you play a song for me?" I asked timidly.
"Of course."
He started his song, gazing down at the guitar strings, and I watched him. I noted the way the light hit his hair and picked out the reddish tints in the brown. I saw how his eyes, gleaming like this, showed traces of gold. I examined the paleness of his skin, how his nose didn't really fit his profile, how his ears were hidden from sight by his hair.
Then his mouth caught my attention. It was a nice mouth: clever, mobile, a bit wide and crooked, serving to make his expression somewhat amused and wry, two aspects of his personality that he always showed around his friends. Thinking of his mouth caused an unexpected blush to rise to my face.
"Er…Seiri?"
Not again.
I winced. "Yes, Remus?"
"Do I have something on my face?" He was honestly confused, poor lad.
I was mortified. "No," I said with an atrocious laugh. "I just fell into something of a trance." I bit my lip.
He nodded understandingly. "Music can do that to you." His long, slender fingers tapped the guitar somewhat nervously. "Er…a duet? Unless you don't want to," he amended. "You haven't seemed very interested in it lately…"
I stared at him, shocked. "I thought you didn't want to!" I replied, somewhat accusingly.
Remus smiled. "Well, it was just a case of misunderstanding, then? I certainly like this. There's only so much Sirius and James that one can stand."
I laughed. "Fine, then. A duet." I leaned over and chose a piece at random off the shelf nearby. "This one sounds nice enough."
Remus counted off, and it began.
There were no words to describe how beautiful it was. My flute and his guitar matched pitches and resonated together in perfect harmony, moving through the music with such fluid grace that I was amazed. The melody thrummed and beat inside my heart — it was my heart, it seemed.
Yes. It was my heart, unquestionably. Playing music with Remus filled me with so much raw emotion that I shook.
Unaccountably, my gaze on the music shifted, and for one breathtaking moment, our eyes met.
Then my flute faltered, quivered, died. I laid it in my lap. "I-I'm sorry," I whispered, blinking away something in my eyes.
"No harm done," he replied hoarsely, sounding somewhat choked. He cleared his throat self-consciously.
Sweat dripped down my forehead, and I wiped it away. Heat washed over me like some sort of molten tidal wave.
"It is a bit – hot in here, isn't it?" I gasped, brushing my curls away from my face.
"A bit," Remus agreed, breathing out a heavy sigh. "The fire's banked too high, or something."
I had the feeling that, in my case, it was more of an emotional fire than anything else. I stripped off my vest and undid a few buttons on my shirt.
Remus frowned suddenly and leaned forward. "Seiri, what are those scars on your neck?"
I cursed inwardly. My scars! I had forgotten the Concealment Charm that morning! The open shirt collar clearly revealed them. "It's nothing," I mumbled.
His brows drew together. "Those aren't nothing. They look like they hurt a lot."
"They're nothing," I insisted, my panic voicing itself as anger.
Remus drew back, stung. "Seiri…you can tell me what happened."
"No. I can't," I flung at him harshly. Gathering my belongings in a haphazard jumble, I stormed out the door, hating myself for hurting him. But no one could know…
"Seiri!"
Remus had caught up to me. He laid a placating hand on my shoulder. "Seiri, I'm sorry…"
"If you were really sorry, you'd leave the issue." By now, I was looking for a fight, anything to release the fear within…
"I'm only trying to help," he explained quietly.
"Fine then! How did you get that scar across your nose?" I glared up at him.
Remus winced and was silent.
"You see? You don't like it so much, do you?"
"No," he replied, voice shaking slightly. His face had paled several shades. "No, I don't. You're right. I'm sorry."
"Good," I spat, whirling. Then I turned back just as quickly. "And just so you won't ask this in the future, this scar? This one, right here?" I pointed to the one on my temple. "I got that because I fell into a table as kid and scratched myself. Happy? There's one mystery you've pried into."
I wasn't even making any sense anymore. Wishing myself at the bottom of some abyss, I fled.
Of course, I didn't know where I was going. Blindly, I picked a corridor that I thought seemed familiar. Remus wasn't pursuing me, I could tell. When I glanced back briefly, I saw a sight that wrenched my heart. He stood gazing after me blankly. Then, shuddering, he hid his face in his hand. Aimlessly, he started down another hallway.
Sorrow and repentance flooded me, but before I could stop, someone stopped me, grabbing my shoulder with a gentle but strong hand.
I skidded to a halt and spun to face my captor.
Lily was staring at me with wide, disbelieving eyes.
I drooped, suddenly limp and weak. "Oh, hell. Oh, no. How much of that did you hear?"
Lily was still watching me as if she hadn't seen anything quite like me. "I was just coming up to get you two," she explained slowly.
Shaking, I slid to the floor, burying my face in my hands. "I feel like a terrible person," I muttered stupidly, my voice muffled.
Lily sank down beside me. "Seiri…you lied to me. You lied to the three of us. Why?"
It hit me. I had told her, Ella, and Vicky that the scar on my forehead was from Walden throwing a rock on me. I had just told Remus it was by my own fault.
My lies had finally caught up to me.
In this moment of frail realization, I broke my promise to myself and told Lily. I explained my life as a beaten child, how I didn't want people to pity me or treat me differently because of it, how I was ashamed of what I'd had to deal with.
"Seiri, you should know by now we're not going to shun you or feel sorry for you because of a few scars," Lily comforted me. She started to say something else, then bit her tongue and subsided into silence.
I sighed miserably. "I know, it wasn't rational…I just didn't feel right, telling you."
Lily helped me to my feet. "I suppose that would explain why you spoke to Remus the way you did." There was a note of sternness quite akin to McGonagall in her voice.
I knew the color was draining from my face. "Oh, Godric," I breathed. "Remus will never forgive me."
Lily glanced at me oddly, then quickly looked at any place but me. "Oh, he'll forgive you," she assured me. "He – he knows what it's like to have stuff to hide."
I shot her a curious look. Lily shrugged inscrutably. "Come on, I'll walk with you to the common room, but then I have to patrol the halls." Her gaze softened. "If you're not going to tell the others, you at least owe Remus an apology and an explanation."
She was right, and I knew it. Squaring my shoulders, I nodded. "Let's go."
At the portrait of the Fat Lady, she paused. "I have to go now. Good luck." And I was left alone.
It took me awhile to summon the courage to say the password. Minutes passed as I paced, wrung my hands, and nibbled my bottom lip, a nervous habit of mine. The only reason I actually did go in was because the Fat Lady threatened to lock herself if I didn't hurry up. I had no choice but to whisper "Dancing Doxies" and slip in.
It was easy to pick out Remus. While the others were crowded on one side of the common room, discussing something with several other Gryffindors, he sat silently in the armchair closest to the fire.
Apprehensively, I crept up behind him. "Remus?" I whispered.
He jumped and turned, craning his neck to see me. His face turned blank, as if wiped clean like a blackboard, but I saw the flash of pain that sparked in his eyes.
"Remus, I want to talk to you," I whispered. One delicate hand lay on the armrest of the chair. Wondering at my own audacity, I picked it up between my two cold ones and tugged slightly. "Come with me."
Wordlessly, he stood, following without protest as I led him outside the common, his hand warm in mine. I ignored the indignant huffs from the Fat Lady and her outraged mutters of, "Oh, you again…"
I faced him. "Remus, I have to say something."
He said nothing, only looked down into my face. We were close…so close…
So disconcertingly close. I averted my eyes. "Remus, I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I shouldn't have said any of that, not a word of it. And if you listen to me, you'll understand why I said it."
The torchlight changed his eyes to a tawny color, and in their depths, I read forgiveness and an open mind.
So I told him. I relayed stories of my father's cruelty, and spent detailed time on how I received the scars around my neck. The memory was a painful one.
And through it all, Remus listened attentively, his eyes soft and compassionate. When my tale at last spun to an end, he squeezed my hand. I hadn't realized until then that I had forgotten to release it.
"Oh, Seiri," he murmured, "I hate that you had to go through that. I know why you yelled at me now."
"All's forgiven?" I ventured hopefully.
"All is forgiven," he confirmed, smiling. He spoke the password to the Fat Lady and poked his head into the passage.
"Remus?" Something was bothering me.
He withdrew his head. "Mmm?"
I took a deep breath. "I'd like to go back to the Room of Requirement to play duets again, if you do too."
A true grin spread across his face. "So do I, Seiri. Without a doubt."
I crawled in after him, knowing that my world was full of music.
~*~
Softly, deftly, Music shall caress you
Hear it, feel it, secretly possess you
Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind
In this Darkness which you know you cannot fight –
The Darkness of the Music of the Night…
A/N: For those of you who may wonder, I didn't explain how Remus found the Room of Requirement. Nick told Remus Seiri was there, then showed Remus to the Room and told him what to do. Remus was thinking as he walked by, 'Seiri's music room,' which was a foolproof way for him to get in. Eh? (And yes, Remus did indeed cry…OH EM GEE AWWWW. :D)
Chapter 7: Shame by MoonysMistress
Disclaimer: Wow, I feel lazy today. I'm not J.K. Rowling...this stuff isn't mine...songs belong to Switchfoot (AGAIN) and Yellowcard, respectively. Go on. Read. Have a blast.
*blinks*
A/N: Cyber-cookie to whoever can guess the identity of the tiny Beater who has a cameo in this chapter. Hint: descendants are in Gryffindor. Big hint right there. Give me your answer in your review. *koff*review*koff*
~*~
"Ah, what a life!" James said happily, reclining in his chair. "Quidditch tryouts on Saturday, my friends, and all I have to do is watch!"
Sirius nudged him. "You and me both, Jamesie. Ooh, great fun, watching the little ones squirm!" He rubbed his hands together and cackled like a mad scientist.
I watched them, a small smile on my face. It was Monday, three days after the Room of Requirement Episode, and all was well between everyone. "What are you two?" I asked.
James grinned proudly. "Chasers, the both of us. Sirius was a Beater for awhile, but had to give up that position because too many fouls were called on him. Mostly against Slytherin, mind." James punched Sirius appreciatively, as if fouling Slytherin was something to be proud of.
"Who do we need for the tryouts?" Sirius asked. "Of course, I have to ask you, Mr. 'It's-Not-Enough-That-I'm-Head-Boy-I've-Also-Got-To-Be-Quidditch-Captain-Too-Just-To-Show-Everyone-Else-Up-What-Am-I-Going-To-Do-With-All-My-Shiny-Badges'." Despite his rather harsh words, Sirius was grinning. "Kidding, mate. I'm proud that one of us at least is being useful. 'Sides, Remus stole one shiny badge from you, anyway."
"I like to think I earned it on my own merits," Remus muttered from behind his book. "Believe what you will, of course."
Sirius had the decency to look embarrassed. "Sorry, Moony," he apologized, clapping his friend on the shoulder. "You're more respectable than any of us, I shouldn't have said that."
"It's all right," Remus murmured absently, turning a page.
"Anyway," James plowed on doggedly, "we need another Beater and a Keeper. Shame that Byron Brown graduated last year, even if he was a bit of a pompous git. He was the best Keeper we've ever had. Seiri, d'you play Quidditch?"
I glanced up and smiled incredulously. "I hope you're not suggesting I try out, James."
"I most certainly am!" he said, grinning. "Come on, I'm sure you're a great hand at it."
I paused, thinking. Truthfully, I had thought about trying out, but then worried that I wouldn't be good enough. Back when we had been on reasonable terms, Walden let me ride in the backyard on his broomstick. It had to be done in secret so that my father wouldn't find out, but we managed to keep it a secret from him for three years. Then he discovered it. That was why he backhanded me with his ring on, leaving the long scar across my jaw. Walden was untouched.
In the time we'd had, we'd learned that I was a fairly decent hand at guarding our makeshift goal-hoops. Walden, as Chaser for the Slytherin team, would throw a ball at me to block. More often than not, I was successful.
Still…that was many years ago. Would I still have enough skill left?
You'll never know if you don't try.
"Well," I said cautiously, "maybe I could try for Keeper. I used to be passable when I played with Walden…"
I bit my tongue at the furious expression on Sirius's face. "You actually used to play Quidditch with him?" he spat, disbelieving.
"Yes," I replied, somewhat annoyed. "He was all I had. He wasn't always like he is now, you know. He once was the only person I could count on."
"Sad, that you'd have to rely on Walden," Vicky murmured wryly.
I made a face. "Seems so now. We're twins, remember, and that means as children we had some loyalty, anyway."
"Yeah, well, we know who he's loyal to now," Sirius muttered darkly under his breath.
I shot him a warning glare and went back to the Potions essay I was writing. "Much as I dislike them, I'd appreciate it if you stopped declaring that sort of stuff about my family. We all know quite well what they are, thanks."
James chuckled. "She's got you there, Padfoot."
Sirius mumbled bitterly under his breath for awhile, then subsided into stormy silence. I hid a small smile and worked diligently on the essay for another half hour, then stretched and put aside my quill, smiling with satisfaction.
"Finished it?" Remus inquired absently.
"Indeed," I answered. "I love finishing my work early."
"Never known that feeling," Sirius commented.
"You would if you'd work up to your potential," Vicky scolded him.
Sirius shuddered. "Oh, Godric, don't. That reminded me of the dulcet tones of McGonagall scolding me for not applying myself enough."
We laughed. "Seiri, d'you mind helping me a bit on the essay?" Remus asked. "I can't for the life of me get my mind around it."
"Certainly, if you'd give me some pointers on that D.A.D.A. project," I returned, grinning. "I love D.A.D.A., but that doesn't mean I'm good at it."
We settled on the two-person couch – a fleeting blush rose on my cheeks as I recalled our last incident regarding that couch – and got to work, falling into a peaceful silence broken only by our occasional questions.
Once I glanced up to see Lily watching us, a pleased smile dancing on her lips. I raised my eyebrow at her. She winked at me knowingly and turned her attention back to James, who was talking enthusiastically about something or other to her.
I attributed her smirk to whatever it was James was speaking of, but a nagging worry tugged at my mind. What if she had guessed how I felt about Remus?
Well, I thought disgustedly, I wouldn't be surprised if she did know. I'm not being very discreet. Smiling like a fool whenever he's around, blushing like a strawberry, indeed.
I sighed. Just as long as Walden didn't find out…
Although I couldn't say I'd be very thrilled if Sirius found out, either.
With a sigh, I turned back to my D.A.D.A paper.
James was grumbling about something to no one in particular as he scribbled on a scrap of parchment. "Don't see why I have to have all the responsibility…that means if something goes wrong, everyone blames me…not fair, I say…"
I stifled a snort. "What's the matter?"
He sighed heavily. "Bloody Quidditch sign-up sheet that McGonagall's making me do. I said, 'Why don't we just see who shows up?' 'Oh, no, Potter, we have to be organized.'" James mimicked McGonagall's voice to perfection. "I say we just organize it there on the Quidditch pitch."
"Good man, James!" Sirius said approvingly. "That's the way to think about it."
Remus sighed and shuddered. He's extremely neat and organized.
"Seiri, can I put your name down for Keeper?" James asked, quill poised over the parchment.
"Oh, I don't know…" I said nervously.
"Please?" he begged.
My heart went out to him. "Fine, James. I'll try out…"
~*~
Five days later, I was regretting that decision.
"I'm going to do horribly," I predicted gloomily at breakfast, far too nervous to eat.
"No, you're not!" James boomed heartily, patting me on the back. I shifted uncomfortably. "You're going to go out there and show them all!" He was resplendent in his own Quidditch robes of scarlet and gold.
I glanced at the Slytherin table. I knew nearly all those who were in uniform: my brother, Rodolphus, Crabbe, and Goyle. There was a girl as well, the beautiful raven-haired girl with whom my brother and Rodolphus had been flirting at my father's funeral. She was surveying everything with dark, heavy-lidded eyes, her rosy lips curled in a delicate sneer.
Sirius, also in Quidditch robes, followed my gaze. His handsome face twisted into a look of ugly hatred. "Ah. My cousin, Bellatrix. Quite possibly one of the nastiest in our family. Her sister Andromeda is a dear, my favorite cousin, and Narcissa is a right snob, but Bella's just…evil. She manipulates people because she thinks it's fun to watch them writhe in her grip."
Almost as if she'd heard us talking, Bella's eyes met mine, and she smiled a thin, cruel little smile. I shivered and broke the gaze.
"Oh, no," Sirius growled. "Oh, no, you don't…"
I lifted my eyes again. Bella had stood up and was walking towards us with a swaying, predatory step, her head lowered but her glittering eyes fixed on Sirius.
"Hello, cousin," she purred when she reached us. "Having a nice Saturday?" She reached out and ran her silver talons through Sirius's thick black hair.
He slapped her hand away roughly. "Get the hell away from us," he ordered tersely.
The mocking smile spread across her face again. She kept her eyes locked on Sirius. "Say please," she whispered.
"Stop your games!" Sirius roared. I flinched back — Sirius in a temper was a force to be reckoned with.
If I hadn't known any better, I'd say Bella was a bit cowed. Her eyes flickered uncertainly for a moment, then steadied. "What games? I play no games, cousin," she said innocently.
Sirius was on his feet, fist raised. Remus and James jumped up and put steadying hands on his shoulders, restraining him from doing anything drastic. "Get – away – " Sirius panted, rage rendering him nearly speechless. "Go — "
Bella yawned. "You give me no choice. I'm terrified. Honestly." Her sloe-black eyes caught my navy-blue gaze. "Oh, look at this," she hissed, smiling maliciously, showing teeth. "It's Walden's sister."
"Get away from her!" Sirius bellowed, struggling to escape his friends' strong grips. They held him, although they too looked mutinous by now.
Bella paid him no mind, and leaned in to whisper in my ear, "Gwandfather Macnair isn't vewwy happy wif his twaitor gwanddaughter. Fuwious, weally."
I drew back, repulsed by her mock-baby voice. "You heard him," I replied quietly. "Get away from me."
Bella threw back her head and laughed shrilly. "Precious! A blood traitor who has a blood traitor for a protector! Oh, it's too much." She smirked at us, backing away. "I'll see you Quidditch field. Count on it."
"Looking forward to it," James responded calmly, though I could see a vein pulsing in his forehead. Lily tugged him down beside her and said something into his ear. He calmed down, though he still looked somewhat tense, and kissed her lightly. Yvonne, noticing Sirius's anger, had come over from the Ravenclaw table to speak with him.
I was just standing up, ready to follow Sirius and James onto the Quidditch field, when someone laid a hand on my shoulder. I glanced over my shoulder.
Remus stood over me, gazing down into my eyes reassuringly. "Seiri, you're going to do well," he encouraged me. "The worst that can happen is that you won't make the team, and even if you don't, you can still have just as much fun in the stands as you can on the field."
I smiled at him gratefully. "Thanks, Remus." I didn't mention that I was not confident about my chances that afternoon.
Much to my dismay, Gryffindor was the first group scheduled for the afternoon. This meant that if I did badly, not only would I fail, but I'd fail in front of the Slytherins.
"Oh, wonderful," I moaned when Vicky told me this. "Just my luck."
"It's all right," she comforted me. "No one's going to care if you do badly, and no one's going to make fun of you."
I sighed. "No one except my brother and his friends."
Vicky rolled her eyes at the thought of them. "They're arrogant twits," she informed me. "They think they're the best, but we've beaten them in almost every match for the past seven years." She grinned cockily. "After all, I'm the Seeker, and no one's faster at finding the Snitch than me."
I raised my eyebrows but smiled at her joking hubris. "I hope I'm half as good at Keeper today as you are at Seeker."
Her bantering words had fleetingly boosted my spirits, but they diminished again when I walked out onto the field. The sun was too bright, the air too chilly, the world just not right.
I swayed and supported myself on the broomstick that Sirius had kindly lent to me, not before threatening to kill me if I defaced it in any way. It would be just my luck if I keeled over in midair. Judging from the way I felt, this was not totally out of the question.
In the stands, I picked out the Slytherin team, pointing down at the field and obviously laughing at the Gryffindors. A righteous surge of anger welled up within, which only caused me to become even dizzier.
I joined the circle of Gryffindor team hopefuls that had accumulated around James. Sirius was passing out Beater clubs to those who were trying for that position.
"Keepers, stay off to the sides for awhile," James ordered, pitching his voice to be heard above us. "Beaters are going first."
Gratefully, I wobbled over to a bench and sat on it with a thump, feeble-kneed with nerves.
Sirius trotted over to me. "How are you faring?" he asked, radiating casual elegance as he leaned against a stadium wall.
"Not that well," I admitted as the prospective Beaters swooped and soared above my head. "Is it a bad thing that watching others fly makes me feel as if I might be sick?"
"Probably," Sirius said frankly. "Aim for James or the Slytherins, please."
"Thanks," I said weakly. "Thanks very much."
As far as I could tell, most of the Beaters were ridiculously appalling, except for a couple who had a spark of talent. One of them was surprising — he was small and rather skinny, yet he propelled the Bludgers away from him with remarkable force.
I hope I'll do that well, I thought as the Beaters landed.
"All right, all of you Keepers, here's the order…" James said.
I was right in the middle of the pack, which was mixed blessing: I wouldn't have to wait for too long and thus become more nervous, but the others who went before me could be outstanding.
Unfortunately, this was nearly true. They were all above average, at any rate. I felt worse.
"All right, Seiri, your turn!" James shouted. He clapped me on the shoulder as I passed. "Good luck."
Frank Longbottom, the third Chaser on the Gryffindor team, was already in the air when I flew up to the goal hoops, fighting back panic. I wasn't comfortable at all on the broomstick. Without hesitation, he threw the Quaffle.
It was a mess, a complete and utter mess. I had been right and the others wrong: I was absolutely dreadful. Out of the ten passes he lobbed my way, I only caught three. The worst person before me had at caught five.
The trial seemed to take forever. When James finally blew the whistle, I slumped over, head in hands, hovering in midair.
Frank flew over to me, which I thought was very nice gesture, considering that we didn't know each other at all. "You weren't that bad," he said consolingly.
I laughed derisively. "Right."
I soared to the ground, trying to ignore the jeers of the Slytherins and failing.
James and Sirius walked over to me, looking more awkward than I've ever seen either of them. "Look, Seiri…" James started.
I shoved Sirius's broom at them blindly. "Take it back," I snapped. "I don't know why I let you talk me into that." Then I stormed off.
I purposely went around the long way so I could avoid the sympathetic faces of Lily, Yvonne, Ella, Vicky, and Peter. My breath was coming in short, sharp, pained gasps, and my chin was quivering uncontrollably. I hated failing at something, especially in public.
Especially the sort of public that was there, I thought, remembering Team Slytherin. They're never going to let me forget it. And all the others are going to try to make me feel better, and I don't want to feel better…
I was wallowing in self-pity and loathing by the time I reached the common room. Safely inside, I paced for a moment, then turned and kicked the sofa violently. Seething, I picked up someone's Charms book and slammed it on the floor. Then I let out a roar of frustration and collapsed on the sofa, burying my face in my arms and crying for the second time in my life.
A male voice said, "Oh, dear."
I had forgotten about Remus.
"Remus, go away," I pleaded, my voice muffled.
His answer surprised me. "No," he said firmly. I felt the cushion next to me sink down slightly under his weight. "I won't." He pressed something into my hand. I lifted my head a little and saw that it was a handkerchief.
I gave a watery chuckle. "I don't want to ruin your handkerchief…"
"I have others," he insisted immovably. "Now. What happened?"
I scrubbed at my face hopelessly. "Oh, Remus, it was a disaster," I moaned pathetically. "I caught three out of ten. Three. Even the third-year who said she'd only been on a broom twice in her life caught five! I knew I wasn't going to do well, but I didn't think I'd do that badly. And all the Slytherins were there, and all our friends were there, and it was…oh, Godric, public humiliation!" I hid my head in my hands again, feeling the hot tears trickle through my fingers. The handkerchief slipped to the floor, forgotten.
I sensed his slight form reaching across me to retrieve the handkerchief. Then he sat still, obviously unsure of what to do next.
Lads hate it when girls cry in front of them. It makes them feel silly, I thought drearily. Wonderful. No doubt Remus's opinion of me had sunk a few notches.
I finally lifted my head with a quivering sigh and raised abjectly miserable eyes to him. "I made a fool of myself," I whispered sadly.
Remus regarded me thoughtfully for a moment, then raised his hand and wiped a solitary tear away with the corner of the handkerchief. "No one is ever a fool for trying," he said quietly.
Distress and exhaustion lent me courage. I laid my head on his shoulder. "Thank you, Remus," I murmured peacefully, gazing up at him through tear-damp lashes.
He was giving me the sort of look you use when a butterfly lands on your arm: a sort of wondering amazement, tempered with reluctance to disturb the moment. In this case, he also appeared adorably unsure.
I smiled inwardly. No matter how good a kisser he was rumored to be, I had the feeling that Remus was a bit insecure with intimate moments such as this one. Rather like me, in fact.
He shifted uneasily, and a pang coursed through me like lightning. Obviously, he didn't want me to be this close to him, a girl near a boy as opposed to a friend near a friend…
So I made a fuss about throwing my head back against a pillow and staring at the ceiling. "So," I said lazily.
"Mmm," he agreed.
I yawned. "What do we do now?"
He smiled slightly. "Sit inside and revel in the silence, being insufferable bookworms while the others are going mad for trivial sports."
"I just tried out for that trivial sport, you know," I shot back playfully.
"I won't grudge you for it." He stood and held out his hand gallantly, helping me to my feet as well. "We've still got Transfigurations homework, don't forget, and this time James isn't here to help us."
I grinned wryly. "Well, I suppose I can settle for this instead of Quidditch."
A silence. I had hurt him. It sounded as if I wanted to play Quidditch more than be with him.
I winced. "I didn't mean it like that." He didn't look at me. "I'd much rather be in here, reading dusty tomes, that flying and acting like a right idiot out on a field. Trust me."
He ran a hand through his hair and smiled a bit. "I believe you." He gave me a sidelong look as he sat at a desk. "Are you going to be all right?"
I dropped my eyes and smiled sadly. "I'll be fine. Don't worry."
We sat together in companionable silence, reading our textbooks and scratching out our essays.
Perhaps, I thought with growing hope, perhaps not making the team won't be so bad…
~*~
Dare you to move, dare you to move,
Dare you to lift yourself up off the floor.
Dare you to move, dare you to move
Like today never happened,
today never happened before…
~*~
I hadn't been planning on going to the first game of the season. I thought that would be a bit too much for my sorely wounded pride.
In the end, I went, only to cheer on my friends. Also, I admitted to myself, Remus is going — and that means the common room would be empty. I refused to admit that it was for any other reason, even though I knew perfectly well otherwise.
Sirius and James had been highly apologetic and bashful when they came and informed me that they wanted me for Keeper, but it was voted down. I had masked my hurt and told them that it didn't matter much. Inside, however, I vowed to stay away from the Quidditch field at all costs.
October passed pleasantly but uneventfully, save for the growing tension between Remus and me. The first Saturday of November dawned, and still I wasn't planning on going.
"Excited for the game?" Vicky asked me that day at breakfast.
I frowned at her, confused. "What game?"
She was slightly taken aback. "The Quidditch game, of course! Gryffindor versus Slytherin. We're going to flatten them," she announced proudly.
My stomach lurched, but I forced a laugh. "Not with me there, you won't," I disagreed jokingly. "I think I'm bad luck. I'll stay away from this one?"
If only Vicky had heard, she likely would have understood and dropped the subject. However, Sirius and James were listening in.
"What?" James was horrified, aghast. "You can't stay away from Quidditch!"
Sirius nodded vigorously. "It's a sin, it is!"
Lily rolled her eyes. "Sod off, you two. Seiri, of course you don't have to go if you don't want to."
I chewed my bottom lip. "Well…is everyone going?"
They all exchanged long, doleful looks, but eventually everyone affirmed this.
"I'll stay back with you, if you want," Ella offered. "Quidditch doesn't have such a godly shine, for me."
I glanced at Lily and Remus. Lily shook her head regretfully. Of course — she couldn't let down James like that. Remus jerked his head at Sirius and James and mouthed, 'They'd kill me.'
I sighed helplessly. "No, that's all right. I'll go."
Sirius whooped and flung his arms around me. Accustomed to this by now, I sat through his embrace calmly and a little forlornly. Just because I'd agreed to go didn't mean I was going to have fun.
Vicky, Sirius, and James left for the locker room, beaming energetically and waving at supporters from Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. I watched them go, tugging one of my curls wistfully.
Lily yawned and stretched, looking for all the world like a cat, her green eyes jewels in her narrow pale face. "We should probably head up to the field if we want good seats," she said, hopping off the bench.
I stood automatically, falling in step between her and Remus. We didn't say anything for awhile.
Then: "I'm really sorry, Seiri," Lily said quietly. "Really. Sirius and James have no tact at all."
I hitched a grin onto my face, almost wishing that I wasn't so passive. "No, it's perfectly fine."
"At least you'll be warm in the middle of March when they have to be practicing in the rain," Remus offered, trying to bolster my spirits.
"Mmm," I agreed dejectedly.
More silence. By now we were out the doors and crossing the lawn.
"Seiri, I admire you for what you did," Remus suddenly spoke up softly.
I squinted at him and screwed up my face in bewilderment. "You admire me for being an ass?"
"No. I wish you wouldn't call yourself an ass, by the way, because you're not," he added, as vehemently as possible for Remus to be. "No, I admire that you actually tried out, instead of taking the safe way out and closeting yourself in your dorm. When we were in third year, James told me that I'd be a wonderful Seeker — I was quick, light, and clever, with excellent eyesight besides. But I was far too frightened to try out."
Lily made a noise of agreement. "I've never been one for Quidditch, but Flitwick tried to convince me to run for Charms Club Chairperson. I didn't, because I was afraid I'd lose. You did a really brave thing, Seiri." She grinned. "True Gryffindor spirit, I'd say."
Heat crept up my neck and warmed my cheeks like fire. "I – I – well, thank you, both of you." Tears of gratitude threatened to dampen my eyes. I pretended to be absorbed in fiddling with the clasp of my robe. Remus and Lily in turn acted as if nothing was amiss.
It was chilly up in the stands, so by default, we all huddled together, standing close to absorb each other's warmth. As I was still between Remus and Lily, I did not particularly mind this.
It was still cold, however. I never was much of an outdoor person, and hadn't known how cold it was going to be. I went out only in my thin button-up shirt and Gryffindor robes. Everyone else had bundled up and was as a result delightfully warm.
I blew on my hands to warm my fingers and rubbed my cold nose. Again, Remus gave me that pensive, appraising look, then unwound his rather lurid scarlet-and-gold scarf and held it out to me.
The way I was blushing, I didn't even need that: my discomfiture kept me plenty heated. "Oh, no, keep it," I argued breathlessly, for the biting wind took my breath away.
"I'm not taking 'no' for an answer," Remus said obstinately. With that, he draped the scarf around my neck gingerly.
I screamed inwardly. STOP BEING SO SWEET! Almost sullenly, I yanked it off and shoved it back at him. "I don't need it," I lied, sniffing at this most inopportune moment and endeavoring to hide my rosy-tipped ears.
Remus raised one eyebrow and quirked his mouth. "Indeed."
"Don't look at me like that," I muttered, but not loud enough for him to hear. For a moment, I let my guard down. Remus took the opportunity and pounced, wrapping me snugly in the scarf. "There," he announced proudly. "Seiri, honestly, I'm wearing a sweater, while you're wearing a blouse." His gaze wavered, and he cleared his throat sheepishly. "Who needs it more?" he continued.
He was indeed, I admitted to myself, clad in a charcoal-gray turtleneck sweater, and looking extremely handsome besides. Unintentionally, I drew the warm scarf a bit tighter around my frigid nose. "Fine," I mumbled.
Suddenly, a cheer rang throughout the stadium. My eyes darted to the pitch, where the two teams, brilliant in their Quidditch robes, were striding across to face each other, broomsticks in hand and fierce expressions visible even from here. I easily picked out the small, slight form of Vicky from the others, and likewise the strong figures of Sirius and James.
James stepped forward and gripped Rodolphus's hand in his own, then dropped it as if it burned.
"Mount your brooms!" Madame Hooch, the flying instructor, called. Her voice was tinny and barely audible, but we managed to hear her because the stadium had by now fallen into hushed silence.
The two teams straddled their broomsticks and pushed off from the ground, soaring into the air, waiting. The tension mounted.
Remus's hand brushed my own, then quickly twitched away.
Oh, yes, the tension definitely increased…
"Fweet!"
The whistle sounded. "And they're off!" the announcer shouted into the microphone. "Longbottom to Black — Black to Potter — oh, what a catch by Potter, no wonder he's the Captain, and…ahh, well, can't score them all…"
It was an exhilarating game, suspenseful and exceedingly well-played. I threw myself heart and soul into cheering and clapping along with the rest of the Gryffindors, if only to distract myself from the alarming bubbly feeling that had risen in me when Remus's hand grazed mine.
Gryffindor scraped a narrow victory, for Vicky proved to be as fleet as she'd boasted. At the last moment in a neck-and-neck chase for the elusive Snitch, she snatched it from under the Slytherin Seeker's nose.
"Ha!" I shouted triumphantly. "Oh, victory is so sweet!"
Remus smiled. "For you, especially."
I sighed happily. "Yes, it is."
"We should probably get going, you two," Lily said behind us. "Crowd's beginning to jostle me a bit."
Something about the pointed use of the phrase 'you two' caught my attention. I narrowed my eyes at her suspiciously. She radiated lamb-like innocence mixed with a cat's devilish smugness. It was too shady for me to ignore.
"Come on, Seiri," Remus murmured into my ear. The soft, low sound sent delicious tingles running through me. "Back to the lovely warm common room and books."
I grinned at him, but inside, my heart ached. Remus Lupin, I do believe you're the only one for me…
~*~
Here I go
Scream my lungs out
And try to get to you —
You are my only one…
Chapter 8: Agony by MoonysMistress
Disclaimer: I'm not J.K. Rowling, I'm only manipulating her characters, and a few of my own. You can tell the difference, kids. Songs respectively are "Carve Your Heart Out Yourself" by Dashboard Confessional and "Sally's Song" from The Nightmare Before Christmas.
A/N: THREE cyber-cookies to anyone who can guess what either Seiri's second or third fire-visions were about. Hint: nothing to do with her. Also, as a precaution…please don't hurt me for what happens in this chapter. *wince*
~*~
"Hogsmeade this weekend!"
This joyful cry greeted me on Friday, November 11, when I entered the girls' dorm after dinner, intent on resting after a strenuous day.
I smiled into Vicky's elated face. "Oh? Why so happy?" I teased gently.
She grinned back shiningly, a warm flush rising to her cheeks. "She finally gets to spend a day in Madame Puddifoot's with her boyfriend Balavan Patil," Lily answered for her, winking down at our friend. "He's in Ravenclaw, so they never see each other much."
"They've been together for three years," Ella said, sighing romantically. "It's so lovely."
"I'm still in the room, dear," Vicky said. "I can hear every word you're saying."
Ella smiled cherubically. "Oh. Sorry."
I pulled my pajama top over my head. "What sort of fun is there in Hogsmeade, anyway? I've heard a lot about it, but not enough specifics to know what to do there."
"Oh, there's so much!" Lily said excitedly. "There's the Three Broomsticks, this quaint little pub; Zonko's Joke Shop, it's Sirius and James's favorite haunt, which explains everything; Honeyduke's, the candy shop — it's absolutely amazing; the Shrieking Shack, which is supposed to be the most haunted building in all of Britain: for seven years people have heard all sorts of moaning noises and groans coming from it; and — " Here Lily blushed, " — Madame Puddifoot's."
"Dubbed by me as the Snogging Salon," Ella said. "It's a sweet place, really, but a bit too sweet, if you catch my meaning."
"Well, don't you have a reason to go this time?" Lily said slyly. She and Vicky glanced at each other, than burst out giggling. Ella blushed a ridiculous shade of pink.
I stared at them amusedly, confused. "What?"
Lily stopped laughing long enough to say, "P-Peter asked her to Hogsmeade with him!"
I joined in. "Oh, I'm so sorry! He's a nice enough boy, but…"
"He's Peter," Ella finished somewhat gloomily. "I thought for sure he'd ask you, but he's too shy, and instead…well, you see the end result." I noticed that she wouldn't quite meet my eyes when she was talking, and my other two friends looked decidedly shifty as well.
"What are you planning?" I inquired warily.
"Planning? Us?" Lily said innocently. "Why ever would you think that?"
I snorted. Vicky blushed.
Then something snapped in my mind. Not about what they were hiding, but about my Hogsmeade experience in general. "Wait…Ella, you're going with Peter…Vicky, you with Balavan…and Lily, you'll be with James?" Lily affirmed this with a nod. I was crestfallen and tried not to show it by gnawing my bottom lip vigorously. "Right, I'll just amuse myself, then, I suppose…"
There was a moment of awkward, expectant silence.
Then Ella piped up with, "Oh, please come around with me. I don't know what Peter and I will talk about that whole time."
"Didn't — " Vicky started. Lily elbowed her in the side. Vicky shut up.
I stared at them with narrowed eyes. "All right, the game's over. What are you three hiding?"
"We're not hiding anything," Lily reiterated vehemently. "Back to Hogsmeade. If you think about it…well, James, Sirius, and Peter will all be…er, busy. Why don't you go with Remus?"
Click. It all came together.
I rolled my eyes dramatically. "Oh, for pity's sake. That's what you're hiding. You're trying to set me up with Remus, aren't you?"
"Are not," Ella protested weakly.
I shook my head mournfully. "I appreciate it, I really do, but I don't think he's interested."
"But I thought mmph mmph mmph…" Vicky's speech was unintelligible, for Lily had clapped her hand over Vicky's mouth. Lily smiled at me innocently.
"Besides," I continued, "I – I'm not interested in him…either…"
The three gave each long looks and stifled laughter.
My temper rose in me and reared its ugly, icy head. "And what, may I ask, are you laughing at?" I snapped haughtily.
Lily was unperturbed by my tone. "Oh, don't play coy with us, Seiri," she chuckled. "We know that you see him as – ahem – more than a friendly acquaintance."
My charade was over, apparently.
By now, I trusted them, however, and freely let it end. I deflated. "Am I that obvious?" I said piteously.
"Not at all," Ella assured me. "We're just good hands at picking up on it. If you're worrying about whether Remus notices, I doubt it. I was far worse than you last year and the year before, and Remus only realized it when Sirius told him."
Double my reasons for keeping my love for Remus a secret from Sirius.
A thought occurred to me, a thought at once so wonderful and so terrifying that I nearly choked on my own breath. "And…do you…know…how Remus feels about me?" I asked slowly.
Lily gazed straight into my eyes and replied calmly, "Haven't the foggiest."
I drooped again, feeling oddly like a scolded dog.
Vicky glanced at me, glanced at Lily, opened her mouth, closed it, opened it again, and shut it once more. Fish out of water, I couldn't help thinking.
Ella cleared her throat uncomfortably.
Fine, I thought at them furiously. Keep your secrets. I don't care.
"Ask him to go to Hogsmeade with you," Vicky suggested out-of-the-blue, popping an illicit Chocolate Frog into her mouth.
I scoffed again. "Don't you think that would be a bit transparent?"
"As long as you don't bring him to Madame Puddifoot's, it's not," Lily assured me. "I used to go with him all the time, when he wasn't feeling well and the other three were keen on causing trouble. It was never anything to us."
I was trapped between a rock and a hard place. I so wanted to spend a day with Remus; but then again, wouldn't that seem like a date to him? That would be terrible; but then, wouldn't it be equally terrible to go with him and have him think we were just friends, when I craved for us to be so much more?
Lily saw the conflict in my face and said, "Don't think about it, really, you two might end up together by default. Everyone else will be going off, he might…you know, ask you…there…"
Clearly, she was fumbling for words, which I took to mean that she, like I, was actually holding out much hope.
Something else was bothering me, although I couldn't put my finger on it, the little whisper of a mocking thought that breathed its doubt into my ear, then fled when I listened…
I had it.
"Do any of you believe in love at first sight?" I inquired in a would-be casual voice.
"Yes!" Ella said enthusiastically.
"No," Vicky replied derisively.
Lily was silent, thoughtful, gazing at the ceiling.
I couldn't help but smile: their three different answers clearly outlined their personalities. "Lily?" I prodded.
"I…don't…know…" she answered deliberately, lingering on each word meditatively. "Sometimes I think that, even if you don't realize it, you can love someone when you see them for the first time. Latent, if you will. But that sort of love couldn't last unless you got to know the person afterwards. Because if you don't, what is the love, really? Just a meaningless fancy, if you don't follow it. You have to know a person to really love them, through and through." Lily stared at me curiously. "Why do you ask?"
"No reason," I said through the lump in my throat. I'm afraid I sounded a bit strangled. "What say you all to an early night, then?"
Lily raised a delicate eyebrow at me. "Now who has secrets?"
"You keep yours, I'll keep mine," I said softly. "Some things shouldn't be said out loud." I shivered — something had coursed through me when I said that, something almost akin to…lightning? Power?
To avoid the stares of the others, I rolled onto my side and gazed into the heart of my candle. It burned light yellow flecked with orange, with an underbelly of the faintest blue…
Bursts of light…the yell of a young boy…a peal of harsh laughter…a shadowy room…a curved piece of crumbling stone…a whisper of grey twilight…
I blinked, and it was gone.
This was by far the most enigmatic of the three "visions" I'd had so far. The other two were pointless, indeed, but at least their images seemed connected – the first by pain and the second by joy. This one had no purpose, no underlying theme that resonated through the images. No matter, I still didn't like these occurrences, since I hated the supernatural. It was the fire that held me and bewitched me so, obviously, so I'd just have to avoid staring into fires, then. Bad for my eyes, anyway.
"Seiri? Are you listening?"
I smiled apologetically at Vicky. "I'm really sorry. I went a bit blank there for awhile, didn't I?"
"Yeah," Vicky said, looking at me curiously. "Thinking of Remus?"
It was Lily who rolled her eyes and said, "Oh, come on, let's blow out the candles and call it a night. Seiri, think about what we've said. Promise you'll consider asking Remus."
I sighed. "I'll think about it."
I would think about it, yes, but I knew I would never actually do it…
~*~
The mood the next morning at breakfast was decidedly cheerful and light-hearted. Save, of course, for me. I stared moodily at my plate of toast and bacon, as if it was the food's fault that I was in such a black mood.
"Why the long face, Seiri?" Sirius asked heartily. "It's Hogsmeade, for crying out loud! I'm sure you'll have a, ah, great deal of fun." Unaccountably, he winked at me. I stared up at him, nonplussed.
"No, really, though, why d'you look so grim?" James prodded keenly.
I shrugged in a decidedly sullen manner, I'm sorry to say. "Don't fancy being around the Slytherins without teachers, I suppose," I mumbled.
Sirius cracked his knuckles threateningly. "I'll bash their heads in, I will." He mimed a violent gesture that caused James and Peter to chortle with glee.
Remus was quiet. I glanced at him. He was, I noted, a bit pale. Deep shadows under his eyes bore evidence of not only a sleepless night, but a sleepless several nights.
Quietly, I nudged Sirius, who was sitting beside me. "Does Remus get any sleep at all?"
He grinned at me slyly, almost lustily. "Oh, concerned for him, are you?"
"Wouldn't you be a bit worried if your friend looked as though he's the living dead?" I shot back caustically. "Well, obviously, you don't, but I do."
The smile faded from Sirius's face, leaving him solemn and troubled, two emotions normally quite foreign to him. "No. No, I am worried. I've just learned…well…Remus can take care of himself."
"Can he now? Doesn't look like it, I must say."
"It…Seiri, it's a whole lot more complicated than you think," Sirius finished helplessly.
I folded my arms. "Try me."
Sirius blew out a breath and nearly cried with relief when the signal to line up for Hogsmeade came. "Not here," I heard him mutter as he hurried to Yvonne's side. "Not now."
I gazed around plaintively as my friends stood and paired off. Finally, it was only Remus and me left.
"Er, Remus?" I said carefully.
His eyes focused. "Hmm? Oh. Hogsmeade." He stared at the queue of people, his mouth drawn into a tight, sad line. "Shall we go, then?"
Feeling as if I should explain myself, I said, "Er, I was just going to tag along with Ella and Peter…"
Remus frowned at me slightly. "Well, I thought since everyone else paired off, the two of us could go off together on our ways…"
My eyes widened, and a blush mantled my cheeks. "Oh! Well, er, that would be nice…"
"You don't have to, you know," Remus added hastily. "If you'd, er, rather not."
"No, I do," I protested. I smiled at him. "Really, Remus. There's nothing I'd rather do."
For the first time that morning, he smiled. "Right, then, let's go."
He offered me his hand, and I accepted it, swallowing nervously as little prickles of happiness sped up and down my arm like quicksilver. Much to my consternation, however, he released it once we had reached the string of students lined up in front of a decidedly frightening-looking Filch, the custodian.
I commented on his scowling visage, and Remus sighed. "He is, to be sure, a grumpy man. But I can't help thinking…what does he have to make his life happy?…there must be reason for his grouchiness."
I bit my lower lip, abashed.
Remus, keen as he was, saw it and touched my shoulder. "No, don't feel bad. I'm sorry. Really, I'm not going to be very good company today, I'm afraid."
"Remus," I laughed, "I'd rather spend a day in your so-called 'bad' company than a day with everyone else together. You're just…I don't know. Easier to talk to. Quieter. Readier to listen." My face must have resembled nothing less than a magnificent strawberry. I'd said too much.
Or had I? His face was gratified and touched. "Really?"
I smiled. "Really."
We were crossing the lawn by then, Filch having sent us on our way. Remus stopped me. "Er, Seiri…well…would you — ?"
"Oy, you two!"
I closed my eyes briefly and imagined all the different ways I could kill the person who'd interrupted us. Nothing was painful enough.
Sirius bounced up to us, beaming, his arm firmly wound around poor Yvonne's waist. "Well met!" he called. "You enjoying yourselves yet?"
"Sirius, we haven't even reached Hogsmeade yet," Remus said tiredly, rubbing his eyes.
"Well, I'm having fun," Sirius said with another one of his winks, which I was really starting to hate. "Cheerio, ducklings, see you there!" And then he was gone.
Remus stared after him, face wry. "Sometimes I really…"
When he didn't continue, I said, "Remus?"
He shook his head. "Never mind. Let's walk."
"What were you going to say before Sirius happened?"
He shrugged. "It – wasn't important. Never mind."
I opened my mouth to argue, then shut it. I didn't want to push.
Any reservations we might have felt quickly fell away under the mutual influences of each other's natures. We were compatible, Remus and I — we could talk about anything and everything for the longest time. Knowing him for two and a half months had by now introduced me to the wryly humorous side that hid under his quiet exterior. Similarly, I myself waxed whimsical and outgoing in his presence.
Once within Hogsmeade itself, I gazed at my surroundings with wide eyes. The bustling little hamlet-type village was a flurry of activity from the residents and the students who were visiting.
"Where do you want to go first?"
I blinked. "Oh, I don't know…" I wavered uncertainly.
"Bit overwhelming, I know," Remus said sympathetically. "Let's start at Honeyduke's, shall we? That's always a treat."
I grinned at his subtle pun and followed him as he took my hand and led me up the street. We threaded our way through hordes of students and reached a small little shop filled to the brim with fellow Hogwarts students.
"Popular spot, this?" I said rhetorically as we squeezed through the door.
"Almost as popular as Madame Puddifoot's," Remus agreed mildly.
I choked on my own spit, and my breath suddenly exploded out of my body in a hacking cough when I could finally breathe again. Remus patted my back gingerly. "Er…are you all right?"
"I'm fine," I wheezed, cheeks pink. Why had the mention of Madame Puddifoot's nearly given me a heart attack? "I just need to…"
It was then that I caught sight of the shop.
Every wall and most of the ceiling was covered with confections.
"…Look at the candy," I finished faintly. "Oh, my…"
Remus chuckled at my reaction. "Go ahead, look around. I'll be right back, mean to buy some chocolate while I'm here…" He hurried off to one corner of the store, while I drifted to another side.
When we met up again, fifteen minutes later, I had a small bag bulging with candy, and he was in possession of several chocolate bars and looking quite pleased with himself.
"Where to now?" he asked once we were outside.
I held my bottom lip between my top two teeth for a moment, thinking. "Well…what about the Shrieking Shack?"
If I wasn't mistaken, Remus's face fell, but he nodded and put on an appearance of false brightness. "Oh, all right. It's…it's over at the other side of the village." Without a word, without extending his hand, he walked away, his body a picture of some melancholy emotion.
I frowned. Why did the mention of the Shrieking Shack evoke such a response from him?
Quickly, before he was out of sight, I hurried to catch up with him. Silently, we made our way to the Shack.
It was a dilapidated building, no more than a hut, really, with loose singles and boarded up windows. A winding path led up to it, a rutted dirt affair, and a spiked iron gate surrounded it at a distance, for the Shack itself was rather far away.
I shaded my eyes against the bleak, gray November sky and stared at it, wondering. "It's haunted," I said softly, almost to myself.
"So they say."
I glanced up at Remus. Other than an unnaturally tight jaw, nothing seemed amiss right away. Then, upon closer inspection, I noticed a muscle twitching in his cheek, the set line that was his mouth, the darkness in his eyes…
"Remus?" This side of him almost scared me — never before had I seen someone so utterly desolate.
He started to attention, and the expression passed, almost as if I'd imagined it. "Oh, I'm sorry…I was just thinking…"
"About what?" I prompted.
"About…about what's in there," he answered quickly, gazing at the Shack with a blank, impassive face.
I toyed with my hair. "I've heard it's ghosts. What do you think it is?"
There it was again, that faintly depressed mien. "A monster." He sighed deeply, heavily. "Something that no one should have to deal with."
"W-why?" I stammered.
Suddenly, it was Remus again, the same logical, calm face that I knew. "Well, think about it, really: this old, broken-down house off in the middle of nowhere that makes funny noises. It's obviously housing something that needs to be kept away from the villagers, and it's…violent, whatever it is."
I kept silent, not knowing what I should say to this.
Remus faced me, leaning against the iron fence. "Seiri, what do you think of…vampires?"
I raised an eyebrow. "You think it's a vampire in there?"
He shrugged. "Could be."
I blew out a breath. "As to what I think of them…I never really thought about it. But if you're asking whether I hate them because they're supposed to be evil, then no, I don't. It's like werewolves, isn't it? They don't choose to be what they are. Hell, if they had a choice, they'd probably choose a normal, mortal life. They can be evil just the way regular people can: it depends on the individual's mind, not on what they can't help but being. So, in short, I don't blame vampires and werewolves and all for being…well, different."
"What would you do if you met one?" Remus queried, his eyes still fixed on the Shack.
I shrugged. "Don't know. Guess I'd have to answer that if I ever did meet one, right? I mean…I have no idea right now what I'd do, because I've never been in that position. But…I have to admit something. I've never liked the supernatural. Right, I know, magic is really all supernatural," I added hastily when he opened his mouth to say something. "It's not so obvious, though. Regular magic, I mean, the wand stuff. Because…well, it's not really you that much, is it? Well, it is, but we'd be a lot more helpless if we didn't have wands. Somehow, that kind of magic justifies itself to me. You see? Once you get into Divination and other stuff, I-I don't really like it. Again, the – the supernatural beings can't help it, but I'd still be a bit iffy around them. Er…did that make any sense?"
Remus smiled. "It did, it really did. Have you seen enough of the Shack? Was it as scary as you heard it was?"
Despite his light tone, there was an undercurrent in the words of something I couldn't quite put a finger on. All I could do was grin back and say, "No, it's actually really not. It's not scary at all. Bit sad, even. Still, I wouldn't ever like to meet what's in there, whatever it is."
His lips parted to say something, but before he could, another voice interrupted.
"How extraordinary that we should meet here, Lupin."
It was Severus Snape.
Remus nodded briefly. "Hello, Severus."
The dark boy sneered. "No need for pleasantries, Lupin."
"I'd hardly call it pleasant, indeed, Severus," Remus replied mildly.
"I'm not here for you, Lupin, I'm here for the girl," Severus snarled, baring his sharp, yellowing teeth.
Several thoughts whizzed through my mind all at once, clicking into place as they did so: Remus was very twitchy around the Shack, no matter how much he tried to hide it. He knew something about it. I was quite well aware of the fact that, though he was kinder than the other Marauders, Snape and Remus weren't on the best of terms. Remus apparently thought it was a vampire that inhabited the Shack. Snape was dark and spooky, with sharp teeth. Could he be…? He was, I was nearly sure of it.
Now wasn't the time to be thinking about this, however.
I glared at Snape forbiddingly. "What do you want?"
He stepped forward menacingly. Remus shifted, ready to halt him, but Snape raised an eyebrow at him. "Oh, I wouldn't do that, if…" he trailed off silkily. Nevertheless, it stopped Remus in his tracks.
Fury boiled over, and I stepped up to Snape, glowering up into his face. "You toady!" I hissed angrily. "You're only doing this because of Walden! What, is he your boyfriend or — "
I didn't get a chance to finish, for Snape clapped a hand over my mouth, suffocating my words. "I'll pretend you didn't say that," he whispered, black eyes glittering malignantly.
"Severus, get away from her," Remus ordered, walked over to us.
Snape held up his hand. "I'm not finished, Lupin."
I wrenched out of his grip. "I am," I spat. "Get to the point or get out of here." Automatically, I moved to stand by Remus.
Snape saw this, and his lip curled. "Oh, isn't this sweet. What a picture you two make. Tell me, Lupin, what are you going to do when she finds — "
"SHUT UP!" I shouted, balling my hands into fists. Remus's face had gone deathly white. "Snape, you came here to talk to me, so talk, damn it!"
"Fine." Snape inspected his fingernails meticulously, sheets of greasy hair hanging into his face. "I'll make it short, since you're obviously so…intolerant. Walden simply wishes to relay the tasteful threat that you should – oh, how did he put it? – watch your back, because there could be some nasty surprises coming up behind you." His mouth twisted into a smirk, and with a swish of his black cloak, he left.
I stared at the ground, jaw clenched, shaking uncontrollably. "Stupid bastard," I whispered, not knowing whether I meant Snape or Walden.
Remus gently laid a hand on my shoulder so that his arm lay across my back. Through the fabric of my cloak, I could feel his hand quivering as well. "Seiri, that was fake. He just…just wanted to get to us. Let's not give him the satisfaction of succeeding. Come, let's go to the Three Broomsticks and have a butterbeer."
"I don't have any money," I said through numb lips as he guided me away from the Shack.
"I can pay."
"Remus, I — "
"Seiri, don't worry. I have extra money because I won a bet off of Sirius." He smiled a bit. "He's terrible at cards."
My face cleared minimally, thinking about Sirius of all people trying to play cards. "I'd imagine."
We walked in silent thought back to the village, Remus's arm now firmly back at his side. I felt cold without it.
The Three Broomsticks was your typical tavern, a dim, smoky room crowded with people and tended by a voluptuous barmaid named Madame Rosmerta. Remus paid for our butterbeers, collected the steaming, frothing mugs, and brought me to an unoccupied table. Then he took one mug, clinked it against mine, and said, "Cheers."
"For what?" I asked, hand poised on the handle of the flagon.
He swallowed and shrugged. "Dunno. For Hogsmeade? For standing up to Snape?"
I made a wry face. "I'll drink to that." I took a swig and gulped it down, not expecting its searing warmth.
"Seiri, thank you for spending the day with me," he said suddenly. "I really had a wonderful time today."
I blinked, panicking inside. Oh, no! What do I say? He's saying that just to be nice, just because he – he's Remus, but if I agree, he might get the wrong idea, which would actually be the right idea…oh, this is harder than I thought it would be…
Of course, I said the wrong thing. "Well, you know, everyone else was going off on their own ways, it just seemed natural…"
Which gave the impression that I was only with him because the others weren't there.
My lips parted, words of clarification hovering behind them, but they didn't have a chance to spill out.
"Remus!"
It was a distinctly feminine squeal, and suddenly, a nasty sinking feeling started up in the pit of my stomach. I instantly regretted the butterbeer.
The girl who had spoken smiled down at us toothily. I vaguely recognized her as Gwen, the Hufflepuff girl in our Auror classes. With her were two other Hufflepuffs who I didn't know in the slightest.
Remus smiled, polite. "Hello, Gwen. Er…having a good day?"
"Well, now it's good," she laughed, her eyes shining.
Oh, God. Oh, no. She fancied him.
Sadly, I compared my darker auburn tresses to her bob of fuzzy flaxen curls; my inscrutable blue eyes to her spirited caramel ones; my round, pale face to her oval, rosy face…The list went on. The total only came out one way, no matter how much I tried to change the math: she was far prettier than I, and a genuinely nice human being besides. Remus would obviously prefer her to me.
"You're in our classes, aren't you? Seiri, is it?"
I came to and smiled tentatively. "Yes."
"Walden Macnair's sister?"
My smile froze. "Yes."
"Mind if I sit down?" This was directed to Remus, who of course nodded amiably. "Of course."
Gwen seated herself and proceeded to chat with Remus for more than half an hour, occasionally tossing a comment my way. Remus either didn't see or chose to ignore my pleading looks. I wanted her away from us.
By the time she sweetly bade us farewell, it was time for us to return to Hogwarts. I stood rigidly, stiff from sitting in the booth for so long.
Side by side, we wended our way through the crowds into the chill November air. "So," Remus said, "what did you think?"
I screwed up my face. "What did I think of what?" I asked stupidly.
He kept his eyes trained on the ground. "Of Gwen."
A dull roar swelled in my ears, drowning out everything else. Breathing came hard. "Do you…fancy her?"
Remus quirked his mouth noncommittally. "A bit, I suppose. I trust your opinion, though, Seiri. What do you think of her?"
My vision blurred and fogged, as if I was staring out a window on a rainy day. The scenery whirled around dizzily under my feet, and my knees shook with the strain of keeping me standing. My throat tightened painfully.
"Seiri?"
I took a moment to compose myself. "She's…really great, Remus. Really great."
With those words, I heard all my castles in the air come tumbling down around my ears in a thunderous cacophony of failure.
~*~
Man, it takes a silly girl
To lie about the dreams she has;
But lord, it takes a lonely one to wish
That she had never dreamt at all…
~*~
"How was your day?" Ella asked brightly that night in the dormitory.
I shrugged uncomfortably. "It was fine."
Vicky winked. "Just 'fine'? Come now…"
Lily, who'd been suspiciously quiet up until now, came in with, "I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted. How about we just go to sleep?" Her compassionate green eyes bore into mine until I dropped my gaze.
Vicky and Ella exchanged stupefied looks, but extinguished their candles. Soon the room was silent.
But I couldn't sleep, not with what I was feeling burning inside. For hours, I tossed and turned, trying to rationalize everything.
It's fine, I told myself. He can love whoever he wants. I have no claims to him.
This didn't explain why my pillow was wet with tears the next morning.
~*~
The worst is just around the bend,
And does he notice my feelings for him?
And will he see how much he means to me?
I think it's not to be…
Chapter 9: Resignation by MoonysMistress
Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling and do not own Harry Potter or make any claims to it or etc. The songs respectively are "Damaged" by TLC and a variation of "All I Ask of You" from Phantom of the Opera. I also stole the line "It was a dismissal, albeit a polite one" from somewhere as well, methinks one of Tamora Pierce's Tortall books.
A/N: Just to let you all know, there's a high possibility that I might be retiring this story, in light of recent events. *cough*HBP*cough*. So if it...well, if it's never updated again, don't ask me to continue it, because that means it's dead.
~*~
I was completely and utterly miserable for the rest of November. No one except for Lily and Remus noticed, but only Lily knew why.
"I heard Gwen talking about it when I walked by," she told softly me one day. "Seiri, I'm sorry…I didn't…"
I silenced her with a wave of my hand. "It doesn't matter. It's over with. I'm all right."
She stared at me hard. "No. You're not." And with that, she backed away, leaving me alone with my grief.
From then on, I delicately avoided Lily.
By the time December 19th rolled around, I was silently contemplating the demise of either Gwen or myself, whichever proved easier. It was hard enough to have to spend all my days with Remus knowing that he didn't feel the same way about me as I felt about him. No, added to that was the fact that he talked about Gwen quite a lot to me in a decidedly affectionate manner.
He didn't know how much he hurt me. And if I could keep it that way, he never would.
The common room was awfully silent that night, save for the dim crackling of the fire. Everyone was caught up in their own private musings.
It'll be Christmas soon, I thought dully, watching snow fall outside the window. Not that I have anything to look forward to.
As if he read my thoughts, Sirius yawned, stretched lazily, and said, "Christmas in less than six days, everyone. Ho, ho, ho!"
No one responded. Apparently, we were not in the mood for laughter this evening.
"Come now," Sirius pleaded. "I'm leaving tomorrow. You make me feel as if you won't miss me."
Vicky exhaled loudly, impatiently. "Sirius, most of us are leaving tomorrow too."
This pricked my attention. "Who else is leaving?"
"Me," James volunteered, not lifting his eyes from his Quidditch manual. "Sirius is staying at my place."
"I'm going home as well," Peter said, looking mournful.
"Aye," Vicky murmured. "And I."
Ella looked embarrassed. "So am I. Big family party planned."
I gazed at Lily pleadingly, but she wouldn't – couldn't – meet my eyes. "I need to go home too." She finally looked up, green eyes sad. "I'm sorry. Do you want to come to my house? It's no trouble, really."
I imagined myself in that situation and repressed a shudder. "No, thanks."
"Remus, you're staying?" Ella queried, surprised.
He frowned at her, confused. "I usually do."
"Oh." She blushed. "I just…er, never mind. I thought you went home last year, though."
He shrugged, unusually apathetic. "I did, but I came back. It's…easier for me at Hogwarts." He and the Marauders exchanged knowing looks, then went back to what they were doing.
Chalk another one up to the mystery, I thought grimly. It had still persisted: every month or so Remus took ill, and when questioned about it, he politely but firmly changed the subject.
He was smiling at me tentatively. "We'll have each other to keep company, then."
I smiled back briefly, awkwardly. Well, you'll have Gwen, of course…I thought nastily.
Remus must have noticed the change in my demeanor, for he blinked and turned away, but not before I saw the moment of hurt on his face.
Good, I thought savagely. Serves you right for hurting me.
In my heart, I knew I wasn't being fair. I couldn't punish Remus for being who he was and having feelings for someone other than me.
I was aware of Sirius watching me closely, and suddenly wanted to wither like a dry Shrivelfig. Unable to stand it, I jumped up. "Got to find…my…book," I mumbled, staring determinedly at the floor as I sped toward the dormitory stairs.
"Seiri! Hey – Seiri!"
Sirius gripped my arm in a firm grasp. "What's wrong?" he demanded bluntly, looking down into my face as if he'd never seen anything quite like me before. "You're acting really funny. Look — I mean, no matter what's been…you know…going on, Remus doesn't deserve that."
My dropped open, and I gazed up at him, horror-struck. There was a glint in his eyes, not the usual impish sparkle, but more of a soft, sympathetic glimmer.
There was only one thing that glimmer could mean. He knew.
"Oh Godric," I said loudly. Heads snapped around, but I paid that no heed. "Oh Godric," I repeated. "You – you – oh my – you – "
Sirius grabbed my shoulders and shook me slightly. "Seiri. Relax."
I waited until I thought I could speak coherently. "Don't say anything."
Apparently I tried too early.
Sirius stepped back, shocked. "What did I do?"
I pointed at him dramatically. "You know."
"Oh. Oh. Er…well…I don't, you know, know anything. I mean, if you said it was untrue, or something, I would not be able to say otherwise, since I know nothing. Obviously."
I shook my head, eyes wide and transfixed on Sirius's face. "I am going to get my book," I stated, and ran up the stairs. Inside the dorm, I took a running leap and landed on my bed with a sickening thud. My side ached, but I ignored that, buried my face in my pillow, and screeched. I would have put a banshee to shame.
Lily rushed up the stairs; she'd been coming up anyway, but her pace quickened when she heard me. Vicky and Ella were not far behind.
"What happened?" Lily gasped.
I rolled over onto my back. "Oh, Godric. Sirius knows. How does Sirius know? Why does this always happen to me?"
Which made no sense, since, as a virtual recluse, I'd never been in any situations like this before now. The knowledge did nothing to improve my spirits.
"Seiri," Lily said earnestly, "tell Remus. He'd never shun you for being honest."
I was nearly in tears. "I can't!" I wailed.
"Would you rather have him find out from Sirius?"
"No," I sniffled pathetically. "I'd rather him not find out at all."
Lily melted. "Oh, Seiri…" She took me in her arms, hugging me as I cried the tears that were once so constantly absent from my life, and now came without any effort at all.
~*~
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged…
~*~
But the next day, I had no protectors and comforters. Everyone save for Remus and me left for their individual homes, leaving us facing each other at the main doors in awkward silence.
"So…" I said, simply to say something, anything to break the maddening silence.
"'So,' indeed," he muttered brusquely, and spun on his heel, leaving me behind in shocked silence.
Remus had walked away from me! And I'd never heard that tone before: a mix of anger, regret, and disappointment. Because of me? Because of Gwen? Because of the others, for leaving us like this?
I ran to catch up, my own discomfiture forgotten, and grabbed his sleeve. "Remus…you're not…angry with me, are you?" I panted.
He sighed sadly. "No. Not angry. Never, Seiri. I just thought you were vexed with me, and I didn't know why, and…oh, I dunno. Just got riled, I suppose." He smiled a bit shakily. "We're all right now?"
I smiled back, ignoring the different emotions clamoring inside me. "We're all right," I said softly. "I just — oh, I've been a right pain to deal with these days, I know. Maybe it's Christmas. I've never liked Christmas." It was not exactly a lie. I never had ever liked Christmas. I only received two presents every year, always some sort of useless trinket from my mother, and a gift from Walden that, every year, steadily decreased in worth until last year, when it reached its nadir with a handkerchief.
I shook off the unpleasant memories and went back to the present, where Remus was smiling at me again, that soft, quiet, inscrutable smile that drove me half-mad. "Well, I have the feeling you're going to have quite a Christmas this year."
I poked his arm teasingly. "All right, you. What do you know that I don't?"
"Hmm, where shall I start?"
"The nerve of him," I proclaimed to no one at all, grinning like a fool.
He raised his eyebrows, a characteristic gesture. "Oh, nerve, is it?" he said mockingly. "So what was it when you said I'd grow up to be a grouchy old professor? Because if that wasn't nerve, I don't know what is."
"That? That was the truth, Remus…"
I giggled and ran down the hall, with Remus hot on my heels in mock-pursuit. I skidded around a corner and nearly fell into a suit of armor. The delay allowed him to catch up with me, and in his momentum, he tackled me around the waist, nearly knocking us both over.
For a moment, we froze in that position: teetering precariously, my arms thrown out for balance, his firm and fast around my waist in a warm embrace.
Then he quickly let go of me and backed away, breathing hard and laughing. "For a moment there, I thought I was with Sirius," he explained lightly, grinning down into my beet-red face. "He, James, and I used to do that all the time. Well, he and James still do, really…"
I stared at him, at his calm, unbreakable face. How could he just stand there and toss it off? For some reason, I wanted to disrupt his tranquility. I wanted to see his façade of complete coolness dissolve. And I wanted to be the one to dissolve it. I wondered longingly if that would ever happen…
"Oh, er, right," I managed to say. "No harm done at all."
"Are you sure?" he prodded, mouth quirking. "I was going pretty fast. You didn't crash into the suit of armor, did you?"
I decided to play his game and laughed it off. "Nothing's hurt except my pride, if you can bear the cliché."
He grinned wickedly. "It should be. You have a cobweb on your nose." He reached out and brushed it off meticulously.
Not fair, I thought furiously, swallowing a huge gulp of air in my nervousness.
"Oh, dear, dear, it appears I've interrupted a moment. Sorry to bother you. Continue."
I closed my eyes and breathed out through my nose once in an effort to remain calm, then offered the most polite greeting I could to our intruder under the circumstances. "Sod off, Lestrange."
The darkly handsome boy grinned at me, displaying the gap between his front teeth. "Now what sort of salutation is that for an old family friend?"
"Precisely, Lestrange. Family friend. Not my friend. Any friend of the family is not a friend of mine, so I'd appreciate it if you'd drag your sorry arse elsewhere, please."
Rodolphus sneered at Remus. "You'll have your hands full taming this one," he said, looking me up and down, his eyes lingering on my chest.
"Come off it," I warned angrily, crossing my arms over the aforementioned area.
Rodolphus likes to think he knows everything about women, when the truth is he knows very little. He believes women need to be ruled and broken, like beasts of burden. He also likes to think he has taste, which he disproved when I heard the tale of him kissing Jill Bulstrode, a hulk of a girl two years older than him. He was nearly as drunk when he did it as he was when he told me this.
"Why aren't you at the Macnair Mansion, anyway, Lestrange?" I queried bitingly.
His smile flickered for a moment, then came back in full glow. "I wasn't invited," he informed me airily. "Your brother's been a bit sore with me lately."
I raised my eyebrows, intrigued despite myself. I hated Rodolphus, but any sort of controversy relating to Walden interested me now. "Oh?"
"I'm going to the Malfoy Manor later this week. Bella and Narcissa are staying with Lucius," he said. It sounded as if he was changing the subject, but I knew better. He and Walden had been in fierce contention for Bella's attentions for their whole lives. I couldn't imagine why.
"That's quite lovely for you," I said sourly. "Now, did you hear me or not? I told you to get the hell away from us."
Suddenly, he was up close to me. "Don't say anything you might regret later, darling."
I was ready to slap his across the face and call it a day, but Remus took hold of my hand and started leading me away. "Come on," he murmured. "He's not worth it."
I let my blood cool down as we hurried to the library. Once outside the doors, Remus paused momentarily, staring at me seriously. "Try to keep your temper in check, right?" he said, his gentle tone softening the words. "We're not always going to be around to stop you from doing something that could get you in trouble, and I don't want to see anything happen to you."
"Oh." I felt thoroughly chided, but also pleased to know that Remus cared enough for me to stop me from making mistakes. "Well. Sorry."
He smiled. "Nothing for it." He beckoned. "Come on. Library time."
I grinned and followed him, suddenly feeling that, Gwen or no Gwen, this holiday was going to be a lot more fun than I thought.
~*~
My premonition proved to absolutely and totally correct. Our time together was sweet and memorable, if sometimes interrupted by meetings with Gwen. Remus often talked to me about her as well.
"You listen so well," he told me happily. "Imagine me telling this to James. Or worse, Sirius. I'd be laughed out of the common room. You just stay quiet and smile at me, which I appreciate beyond words."
I savored this bit of praise, not bothering to add that the only reason I stayed quiet was that I was afraid that I'd scream my longing for him if I even dared open my mouth. So shut it stayed.
Our roamings took us all around the castle and the grounds, including the borders of the Forbidden Forest and visiting the fearsome Whomping Willow. Remus didn't like it very much, claiming that it was evil incarnate.
"Trees shouldn't chop you if you chop them," he joked lightly, though I could tell there was something more. I let it go.
We also took several opportunities to visit the gamekeeper Hagrid. He and Remus were obviously quite close, and I found myself liking the gentle giant. He always had some new creature to show us or interesting story to tell in his rough, uncultured dialect.
Two days before Christmas, we received a great surprise when we visited him in the morning. He was already outside his hut, shading his eyes and watching us walk up to him. A beam creased his face.
"Incredible surprise for yeh today!" he crowed when we reached him. I suppressed a smile; he reminded me of a little boy on Christmas morning.
"Another one?" Remus said nervously. Hagrid seemed to think that a fledgling Kelpie was an 'incredible surprise' as well.
"Better'n the Kelpie," Hagrid said dismissively. "C'mon, 's out back." He started leading us to a secluded pasture.
"Found it this mornin' in the forest," he explained as we walked. "Thought it looked a bit ill, and it had a nasty bite on its hind leg — some snake must've gotten to it."
We rounded a bend, and I gasped. A gorgeous winged horse was tethered in the paddock, its proud head bent, sniffing the ground for foliage.
"Oh, Hagrid," I melted, sidling over and patting its neck. "It's beautiful."
Hagrid grinned proudly. "Thought yeh'd like it, nature lovers that yeh are."
Remus walked closer as well, studying the horse. "Granian, isn't it?"
"That's my boy!" Hagrid said proudly. "Knew yeh'd've done yer readin'."
Remus smiled. "All right, Hagrid, I'll admit it. I do have a certain liking for Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them."
"Of course you do," I muttered. He winked.
"Either of yeh like ter ride 'im?" Hagrid asked eagerly. "Fast, Granians are, but not dang'rous, especially jus' on the mend like this one."
My face lit up. "Oh, Hagrid!" I was nearly overcome with joy. "Are you serious?"
"'Course I am, would I joke 'bout summat like this?" He picked me up by the waist as if I weighed no more than a baby and placed me on the Granian. "Remus, yeh fancy a turn?"
Remus blushed beet red. "Oh, er, I don't think so."
"Oh, come now, Remus," I teased. "It will be fun…"
His mouth quirked wryly. "I highly doubt that, considering the last airborne excursion I was on included Sirius and a flying motorcycle."
I winced. "Oh dear. You're ruined for life."
Remus grinned remorselessly. "Oh. What a shame. Well, have fun sailing away on a wild animal into oblivion. I'll see you then."
"Oh, no." I leaned over and grabbed his hand. "You're coming too. Get used to it."
"Ah, come now, Remus, it'll only be fer a bit, 'n' I can always call 'im back," Hagrid reassured him.
Remus sighed. "Fine. Apparently I'm destined to die an early death. Nice to know you're all in on it." Nevertheless, he submitted to being plucked from the ground and placed in front of me.
"Remus, I know yeh're a strong lad, keep hold o' the mane. That's it," Hagrid encouraged as Remus nervously wound his slender ivory hands into the thick gray mane. "An' Seiri, you grab 'round 'is waist, like." He positioned my reluctant hands around Remus's thin waist — I still shied away from close contact with people, particularly Remus.
"There. Fine picture yeh make. Off yeh go, then!" And with that, Hagrid slapped the Granian smartly on the rump.
I shrieked a bit as I felt the horse's muscles bunch underneath me and we rose rapidly from the ground, Hagrid quickly dwindling to a decent-sized speck. I tightened my hold around Remus and buried my face into his back.
"See? This was your idea!" he yelled back accusingly.
I squeaked, but giggled. "No, it wasn't!" I shouted giddily. "It was Hagrid's idea!"
"And you think that makes it any more sane?!"
I didn't respond, only concentrated on staying astride. The wingbeats of the Granian were loud and steady, beating a pulse in my ear that soothed me. Coupled with Remus's warm and solid back in front of me, I was almost starting to feel sleepy…
"Seiri! You can't be falling asleep!"
I looked up and nearly fell off — he was peering over his shoulder at me, his face devastatingly close to mine. "Why not?" I said, yawning for effect. "It's lovely up here."
"Oh, lovely my foot," I dimly heard him grumble. "When's Hagrid going to call this beast down?"
"Wonderful idea, that, calling it a beast when you're on its back," I retorted.
"Smarter than falling asleep on it, I have to say." I could hear the gentle smile in his voice.
Smiling wickedly, I burrowed my nose in his back, ignoring his yelp. "Well, as we all know, Remus, you do make a lovely headrest." I pillowed my cheek against him and sighed, relaxing.
Then treacherous thoughts crept into my mind. You fool, what are you doing? If he didn't realize before, he knows it now. And remember, he's not for you…so don't let him in…
I lifted my head. "Maybe we should head down now."
His voice was worried when he responded. "Seiri? Is something the matter?"
"Oh, no, not really, my stomach is just a little upset," I lied quickly. "I, er, looked down."
"Didn't you ever read your basic Danger Manuals? 'Rule Number 1: Never look down,'" he teased. But obligingly, he somehow managed to communicate to the horse that we wanted to land, and it did so.
"Done already?" Hagrid said, somewhat disappointed.
I slid off lightly. "Ate too much at breakfast to be flying," I told him, feeding him the same lie I'd given to Remus.
"A'right, then." Hagrid accepted the answer readily enough, though he still seemed sad that we had spent such a short time with the beautiful creature. "I'll jus' take 'im, then, righ'?"
I tried to smile at him. "I'm sorry, Hagrid."
"We'll visit on Christmas, definitely, if we can't visit tomorrow," Remus supplied.
Hagrid saw us off, and we started back to the castle. "You really did feel ill?" Remus asked skeptically.
I nodded, hating myself for lying. "I really did."
"Sorry to hear that." He shaded his eyes and peered across the lake. "Oh look, there's Gwen. C'mon, let's go chat." Without waiting for the answer that was already dying on my lips, he trotted off.
I stared after him. Now I really felt sick.
~*~
It turned out that we couldn't visit Hagrid the next day, because it rained depressingly.
"Oh, happy Christmas," I said drearily, staring out the window of the library, watching rain patter into the lake.
"Cheer up," Remus advised, scratching away at something, his quill bobbing frantically. "It'll turn into snow by tonight."
I sighed. "One can only hope."
"Well, even if it does rain, it's Christmas." He paused in his writing to smile at me hopefully. "I really think you'll like — "
"Hello, Remus!"
I winced, keeping my eyes trained on the lake. Don't snap at her. Don't frown at her. Don't punch the effervescent, annoying little —
"Oh, hello, Gwen," he greeted her, immediately turning his attention to the blonde. "I didn't expect to see you."
"Well, I happened to be passing by, and I know what a wonderful student you are, so I figured you might be in here," Gwen explained slyly, grinning in a decidedly flirty manner. She helped herself to a seat and moved close to Remus, who looked slightly nervous but didn't pull away.
"Is this the Transfigurations essay?" she continued, reaching across him to pick it up and therefore leaning even closer to him. "Wow, I thought it was really hard. I haven't finished it yet." She gazed up at him from under her lashes. "Would you help me with it? I know you're quite good at Transfigurations."
I couldn't stand it anymore. Leaping up, I declared, "I'm going for a walk."
Remus stared at me, confused. "Er…do you want us to come with you?"
No, Remus. No 'us.' Just you.
"It's all right. I might go see Professor Berkeley about the homework he gave us." I forced a laugh. "And you won't want to be there for that."
Gwen let out a tinkling laugh. "No, we certainly wouldn't!" she decided for the both of them. "We'll see you later?"
Throat too tight to speak, I nodded and fled.
I had no precise idea of where I was going. It was really my intention to become as lost as I could, lost in the mire of Hogwarts and never return to the things that hurt me, the things I wanted so much but were being yanked away from me as I stood by helplessly…
"Running from your pet?"
I slowed to a halt and stood with my back to the person who had spoken. I knew the voice, the slow, slimy voice that belonged to a boy as oily as his words. "This isn't the time, Snape," I told him, clenching my fists.
"Oh, I think it is," he said idly. "We're completely alone in this corridor, and you are in fact heading quite close to the Slytherin common room, so this is my territory, and you are encroaching on it. Dear, dear. What ever am I to do about this?"
I made myself turn. If this led me to the Slytherin common room, I surely wished to go no further.
Snape was leaning against the dank wall, inspecting his hands again, sheets of greasy black hair hanging into his eyes. He smiled at me nastily. "Where's dear little Remus?"
"You leave Remus out of this," I shot back angrily, backing against the wall. Something about him made me uneasy, and somehow, I didn't want to leave my back unprotected. "He's in the library."
He glided over to me and stood close, bracing his hands on either side of my head. "Isn't that lucky," he breathed.
I tried to push him back, fighting the bubbles of panic that rose up in my throat. "Get away from me, you slimy git," I growled.
He took his hands down but remained close, a smug smirk on his face. "You won't sing that tune in a moment," he assured me, tracing the line of my jaw, then letting his hand drop. "You know what they say about Slytherins — "
"What, Severus, do they say about Slytherins?"
We both whirled at the sound of the mild, gravelly voice. Professor Dumbledore stood, his eyebrows slightly raised, his blue eyes somewhat stern behind his half-moon glasses.
Snape backed away immediately. "That even if we're shrewd and ambitious, we're gallant and courteous and would never bring any harm to a lady," he mumbled sullenly.
"Ah. Indeed, Severus, I am glad to hear it. But, if you'll excuse me, I need a word with Miss Macnair."
Snape nodded sulkily. "Certainly, Headmaster." He stepped back to let me pass, but as I did so, he hissed, "Good thing you're not a lady, then."
I glared at him. "It's always good to talk to you, Headmaster," I told Dumbledore, keeping my eyes locked on Snape. The boy sneered at me and billowed off down the corridor.
"Thank you, Headmaster," I mumbled, making to move past him. I didn't want to appear too friendly with him.
He touched my arm lightly. "Now, now, Miss Macnair, I was not facetious when I said I wanted a word," he explained, his tone almost reproving.
I blushed scarlet. "Oh. Er, sorry, Headmaster."
He smiled. "No need to apologize. I'm sure you thought I was simply making an excuse to save you from Severus?"
"Well, yes," I said as we started walking. "I didn't — I mean — I don't know that I've done anything wrong — "
"Fear not, you've done nothing wrong. In fact, you've done a great deal of right. But I did speak, in part, to take you away from Severus, as in fact what I need to talk to you about concerns him." Dumbledore sighed, the lines of his face darkening at the corners of his mouth and eyes. "A decent boy, if misguided."
Misguided my foot, I thought darkly as we approached a statue.
"Peppermint Toads," Dumbledore said clearly, and the statue came alive, revolving upwards and revealing a staircase, which Dumbledore promptly ascended. I quickly followed after him, nearly getting crushed in the process.
I stepped off into a magnificent room, full of odd curios and sleeping portraits of ex-Headmasters lining the walls. One in particular caught my eye.
"A Slytherin Headmaster?" I couldn't help asking, referring to the painting of Phineas Nigellus.
"From what I've heard, a rude but fair fellow," Dumbledore said blandly.
The picture snorted, not bothering to open his eyes. "Touché, Albus."
"Indeed, Phineas." Dumbledore seated himself at his desk while I stood awkwardly before him. Noticing this, Dumbledore gestured at a squashy armchair. "Please, be seated."
I squirmed. "It's all right, Headmaster — "
"Hardly anyone refers to me as Headmaster." Those keen blue eyes nearly bored into me. "Call me Professor."
"All right, Head – Professor," I amended uncomfortably, perching on the edge of the chair. "Er…you wanted to talk to me?"
Dumbledore steepled his fingers and regarded me over them. "I wanted to talk to you about Slytherin, and your family situation."
I winced.
"It's nothing to be ashamed of," Dumbledore assured me gently.
"I never said I was ashamed," I protested somewhat sullenly.
"Suffice to say that it is not a great secret amongst the teachers. We cannot stop this hazing unless we see it, but cunning as your acquaintances in Slytherin are, they make sure to remain hidden. What Severus was doing does not constitute as hazing: you obviously did not want to talk to him, true, but he was not saying anything out of line nor did he actually lay a hand on you." He gazed at me seriously. "You understand, Miss Macnair?"
I swallowed and nodded. It was up to me to draw attention to it if I wanted it to stop. If I needed it to stop. The teachers were powerless against invisible tormentors. My word alone could not condemn anyone.
Dumbledore smiled slightly. "On a somewhat lighter note, I see you have attached yourself to the boys popularly known as the Marauders and their usual female companions."
I blushed slightly, thinking of Remus. "Yes, sir."
He nodded, and the mood of the room lightened. "A fine group, if rambunctious. It is best to stay around them; not many wish to endure their wrath, which, you know, takes the form of frog spawn in one's tea." He winked at me, and I couldn't help but smile.
"I realize that all save for young Mr. Lupin are away for the holidays, but I daresay you won't find it difficult to remain close to him," Dumbledore continued mildly.
I looked up at him sharply. "What do you mean? Professor," I added hastily.
"I have seen you two wandering this castle on several occasions during the past few days," he explained, staring at the ceiling innocently. "And I noted during the school year that you seem quite close."
I blushed again, but somehow felt like spilling everything to this kindly, wise old man who I barely knew. "We are," I said softly. "Or at least I thought we were."
"Mr. Lupin is not one to give up his friends lightly," Dumbledore offered cryptically.
The question that had been nagging me throughout the entire school year suddenly burst from me. "Professor, is there something wrong with Remus?"
"Apart from the ordinary teenage trials and tribulations?"
"Yes." At an encouraging look from him, I plunged on. "I've known him since the first day of school. And every month – September, October, November, and this month – he's taken ill for a bit. I'm worried about him. He always looks so pale and tired, and…" I bit my lip, still unwilling to say more.
Dumbledore sighed, suddenly looking old and tired again. "I am afraid that it is Mr. Lupin's responsibility to decide whether to tell you or not. I am under no liberties to speak. Have you asked him about it?"
"Not…directly," I said evasively.
Dumbledore leaned forward. "Would you be his friend, unconditionally?" he asked suddenly.
I didn't even need to think. "Yes."
"Tell him that, and then, perhaps, you will start on your way to learning an answer." He sat back and smiled at me, blue eyes twinkling. "I'm afraid I have some business to attend to, much as I wish to avoid it, and I believe you may also have schoolwork that needs attending?"
It was a dismissal, albeit a polite one. I stood. "Thank you, Professor," I said as I walked away.
"It was sincerely my pleasure," I heard him reply, and I was sure he meant it.
~*~
"Where've you been?" Remus queried when I entered the common room later that night.
I shrugged. "Walking. Talking."
"You missed dinner," he scolded me gently. "You need to eat more."
I grinned, oddly refreshed after my talk with Dumbledore. "Well, I'm sure we'll eat well tomorrow, so no worries."
He eyed me curiously. "You seem strangely cheerful."
"I feel…I dunno. You're right, cheerful, I suppose." I smiled. "But also rather tired. Shall we call it a night?"
Remus checked his watch; his brows shot up. "Early, isn't it?"
"It's Christmas tomorrow, Remus, and I don't want to be waking up early on half a night's sleep."
He smiled crookedly. "True. All right, then. Good night." In a sudden, startling movement, he crossed the room and gripped me in a tight embrace. "Happy Christmas Eve, Seiri," he whispered.
I blinked at him. "Right. You too, Remus," I replied softly, stumbling to the girls' dormitory.
Happy Christmas indeed, I thought as I climbed into bed. But the one gift I want is the only one I can't have.
~*~
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
Lead me, save me, from my solitude…
Say you want me with you here beside you
Anywhere you go let me go too…
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.