So, I just talk? But I haven’t got a microphone.

They can hear me? Are you su-

Ah, yes, I can hear it now. Blimey, that’s uh - well, that’s quite loud, innit?

Uh-hum, well. I bet you’re all, uh - you’re all wondering why there’s a Muggle speaking to you right now. Uh, my name’s Dudley Dursley. Some of you might know my son, Danny Dursley. He’s a good lad. He’s right here, sitting next to me.

They can all see me? Really? But there’s so many - alright, I’ll keep going.

So, my son’s name is Danny, as I mentioned. He’s a wizard. Well, you can imagine my shock when I found out about that...erm, uh, well, maybe most of you can’t imagine my shock. But I was surprised, because the man we named - we, that’s my wife, Miranda, and me, God rest her soul - the man we named Danny’s middle name for was also a wizard.

That’s why you’re all here today. To pay your last respects to this man.

My son’s name is Daniel Harry Dursley. I’m talking, of course, about Harry Potter. I expect most of you know him -

Yes, yes, I know that’s why they’re all here. I’m just sayin - quit interrupting me, boy!

Heh...I keep forgetting you all can hear me. Oh, bugger...

Well, Harry was my cousin. We grew up together, though it wasn’t all right, I know that now. My parents didn’t even give him a bedroom until he was eleven. Imagine that...’course, at the time, I didn’t know there was something wrong with it. But that’s how it was. I didn’t know Harry was so famous. I didn’t actually know all that much about him, really. He was just this scrawny kid that lived under our stairs. My mum and dad didn’t really like him, for some reason, so neither did I, I’m ashamed to say.

But that, uh - well, that all changed when he saved my life. I didn’t tell my parents, of course, because they wouldn’t hear anything good anyone said about Harry. But he did. Save my life, I mean. We were walking home and we’d gotten in a fight - not that it was unusual for us, in those days! We fought all the time. But this time, something strange happened. It was like, uh - well this is going to sound really thick of me, but it was like all the, uh, happiness was just, you know, sucked from the world. Like everything was dismal. The most horrible thoughts started playing over in my head - the one time I thought my dad, my hero, really, had gone mad...the faces of all the kids I’d bloodied up...I’m not proud of it, but I was a bully back in those days. Well, all those things started eating me up all of a sudden. I thought Harry was doing it, you know, to get back at me.

He said some funny words I didn’t understand, and I thought he was going to kill me. Heh, I really did! But he said those words, and the air got warm again. The bad thoughts I was having stopped. I still felt sick, I mean, I was still rather shaken up, but it all stopped. And good thing too, because I was so scared, and so upset...

Sorry, a momen-

Uh, well, I was so upset that I was very much considering, uh - some way to make the thoughts stop quickly, if you know what I mean.

So Harry saved my life. And that’s when I realized my parents might have been wrong about him.

Well, I didn’t see Harry much for the next few years, and then we had to leave the house because that one wizard - what was his name, Danny?

You-Know-Who? Of course I don’t, boy, that’s why I’m ask-

Oh, you call him ‘You-Know-Who’? Oh, well, him. He came to power so we had to leave our house, and I said good-bye to Harry.

Well, then I, uh - I got married to Miranda...she was a Muggle, too, and then we had Danny. I named him after Harry - for saving my life, and all - and then well, when Danny turned eleven he got his letter from Hogwarts. You all know the place. I was surprised, but I guess I shouldn’t have been. Harry was a wizard, and my aunt - rest her soul, I never got to meet her - she was magical folk, too. So maybe naming him after Harry was good luck. But anyway, Danny got his letter and I couldn’t have been prouder.

He’s Head Boy, you know, my Danny. Makes me so proud. He’s done good by his mother - not like me. I was a bully. But Danny’s good, like Harry was.

I saw him again - Harry, I mean - when I took Danny to the train station for the first time, the day he left for Hogwarts. Miranda had just passed...

Excuse me.

Um, anyway, I was sayin’...Miranda had just passed earlier that week, so watching Danny go was really hard. I didn’t know how I would make it without the both of them. Danny was sad to go, but I tried to put on a brave face. For him, you know...he was so excited to go off to Hogwarts, so I didn’t want him to be sad for me.

Well, I stayed on the platform and watched the train go until I couldn’t see it no more. Most of the parents had left by then. I wasn’t really paying attention to them, though. I was crying - heh, almost as much as I am now. Nah, don’t feel bad for me. I was sad about my wife and letting Danny go.

I think Harry had to shout my name a few times before I heard him. He was there, too - his youngest boy, Albus, was going to Hogwarts for the first time, like Danny was. I remembered wishing that I had told Danny that his cousin would be there, so he’d have a friend right off, but of course I didn’t know myself until after the train had already left. Well, they’re thick as thieves now, those two. Albie is almost like a second son to me.

Oh, hush, boy - it’s true. Ginny, please don’t cry, love. Bollocks.

You can all still hear me...how do you wizards do this? Blimey, I’m all flustered...

Uh, I’m sorry about that.

Well, um, after that I saw a lot of Harry. Too much, he used to joke. As I said, Albus and Danny became closer than anyone, so we spent a lot of holidays together. It meant a lot, you know - to have a family again after Miranda’s death. Harry never mentioned the old days, back at Privet Drive. Anytime I started to apologize, he’d just clap me on the back and say, ‘Oh, shut up, Big D.’ And we’d have a laugh and he’d change the subject.

Bloody prat...he never did let me say thank you...

So, Harry - damn you - I’m saying thank you now.

Thank you, mate, for saving my life. Thank you for being my family, even though I’m sure you regretted it at first. Thanks for helping my boy with all that wizard stuff, when I had no clue. Thanks for the second chance...

S-sorry.

Uh, I uh - I always regretted how I treated Harry when we were kids. And I know you all know how great he was. It just took me longer to see it. But Harry Potter was more than just my cousin. He was my best friend. And he was the greatest man I ever knew.

It’s fitting, I suppose, that he died in the line of fire, defending the world against darkness. That always was his way - he was always such a good spirit. It pains me to think that the world - the Muggle world, I mean - will never know how he saved them. Us - all of us.

I’m jealous, in a way, of Ron and Hermione here - Ginny, too - for how much time they got to spend with Harry at school, but I’m grateful that I got to be a part of his life, even if it was a little late. But I’m more grateful that Harry was a part of mine. I don’t know where I’d be if it hadn’t been for him.

Well, heh, I know that wasn’t as beautiful as the speeches the Weasleys just gave, but I wanted to pay my last respects to him, to Harry.

You’re not - oh, damn it, you sodding prick, you’re not a waste of space. You’re the best person who’s ever lived. Good-bye, mate. And thank you.