Chapter 19 When You Hold Me...While I Cry…
It was the weekend and most of the older students were heading to Hogsmeade as usual. Seizing this opportunity to have the deserted school grounds to himself, Harry really wanted some private time with Ginny because he truly missed her. The mark on his neck was now barely visible. He wanted to take this opportunity to tell her because it would be a thousand times more painful if she were to find out on her own. He waited behind the castle entrance in front of the main gathering spot until she appeared.
“Ginny, come with me!” he hurried over to her and pulled her along.
“Harry, what’s going on?” she was startled by his sudden appearance.
“Just come with me. I want to show you something,” he said excitedly.
They ran to the back of the castle towards a pile of hay located at the far corner. Harry went to the pile and pushed the hay away. Underneath it was a bicycle.
“I found this in the forest the other day with Hagrid and I cleaned it up. Good as new,” he pulled it up and brushed the hay off the seat.
When he mentioned Hagrid’s name, memories of his lying about visiting Hagrid resurfaced. But seeing how excited he was, she didn’t want to spoil the mood, so she maintained a strong and happy, but strained face.
“It’s a bicycle? A common recreational vehicle in the Muggle world?”
“Climb on. I’ll give you a ride.”
She climbed on and wrapped her arms around his waist. The feeling was unfamiliar; it had been so long since she was this close to him.
“Ready?” he asked, looking over to her.
She smiled and nodded. With this, he gave a push with his foot and away they went.
It was only a bike ride, but she felt like the luckiest girl in the world. In front of her was the only boy she had ever loved. Gazing at his back and holding his waist, she let out a deep smile, wishing this moment would never end and that time would stand still for her. She really missed being with him.
“All right back there?” he asked tenderly as he pedaled faster and faster. She could sense that he was more caring towards her than usual. The bicycle was gyrating wildly on the rocky path, as if it was trying to symbolize the circumstances of their torrid relationship.
“I love you, Harry,” she replied breathlessly. Her arms gently caressed his chest as she leaned on his back, closed her misty eyes, and cuddled him.
She could hear his racing heartbeat as he pedaled on. Somehow, hers was starting to match his. With their hearts beating as one, their soulful and mesmerizing echoes gradually made her forget about his lies regarding Hagrid. All was forgiven as long as he was with her, just like this. She had avoided looking at his neck yesterday but today she was too close to not see it. She had heard hurtful whispers in the halls about it the entire week. Ron and Hermione were walking on eggshells around her, probably because they knew something she didn’t. Everyone believed it was her that marked him, except she knew devastatingly that it wasn’t her.
There was indeed someone else. She had suspected it all along, even though Hermione was always trying so hard to argue otherwise. Ginny had no idea who this girl could be. She could cross paths with her everyday at school and she wouldn’t even know it. It may even be her classmate, a friend or a roommate of hers. All she knew was that some girl out there was probably laughing at her right now, for the fool that she was.
She didn’t want to ask Harry, because the truth and losing him to someone else would be too painful for her to bear. She had avoided him all week because she didn’t want to face reality. By avoiding him, he would not have a chance to tell her he was leaving her.
She remembered hating him to the bone yesterday when she bumped into him in the common room. In fact, she had hoped he could drop dead moments ago. But now, she found herself unable to let go of him and unable to pose her painful questions. Her voice had failed her.
“I love you too, Ginny,” Harry whispered lovingly. At this moment, he knew he loved only her and no one else. Her warmth, beauty, innocence, understanding, and her compassion… At the sight of her angelic face, all the courage that Dumbledore said he possessed suddenly vanished. He had planned to tell her the truth today but now he had lost the courage to confess. He was overcome by the fear of losing her and not having her by his side because without her, he would have no purpose and life would lose its meaning. His eyes were starting to tear up.
Those very words that he just whispered used to be music to Ginny’s ears. They no longer sound endearing anymore, as if her favorite harmony had gone off-key because of a dissonant third tone, and the unwelcome tone was her.
The ride gradually steadied as he slowed down. Harry had brought Ginny to the lakeside and they were alone. It was a gorgeous day but it failed to lift her shattered spirits. After he came to a complete stop, he wiped his eyes to make sure there were no tears before he held her hand and helped her off the bike. Then he went behind the bushes and retrieved a picnic basket and a blanket.
“You had planned this all along,” she pretended to cheer, choking back tears, and secretly pinching her hand, hoping that this wasn’t a dream or one of her fantasies. She pulled her head down to hide her reddened eyes.
“With a little help from our two best friends this morning, of course. Hermione does deserve more credit, come to think of it,” Harry smiled deeply.
“Let me help,” she muttered tiredly. All the crying this past week and many sleepless nights had drained all her energy.
“No, just rest on the hammock and enjoy my magical performance!” he declared, trying to sound as assertive as possible to mask his screaming urge to cry.
She wearily climbed on it and admired him as he struggled with everything from opening the basket to laying the blanket on the grass. Nothing was following his orders. It was obvious Harry’s specialty when it came to his magic skills were spells against the Dark Arts. His magic and courage were always unparalleled when it came to his selflessly saving and defending people against evil, she thought to herself proudly as she continued to gaze at him. In other people’s eyes, he would always be a hero. In her eyes, she was convinced he was her only love, her eternal guardian angel that would always protect her and never hurt her, at least until the inevitable day when he would tell her he was going to leave her.
Harry gave up when the blanket flew over his head. He tucked his wand back in his jacket dejectedly, and proceeded to set everything up manually. He failed to impress her; he had once again failed her, he thought to himself. As he glanced at her shyly, Ginny quickly flashed a faint smile so he wouldn’t notice her struggles.
“It’s all Ron’s fault. He kept interrupting Hermione and me this morning and I couldn’t remember all the words of the spells. And Hermione was going into so much detail… She knew I wasn’t good with this kind of stuff,” he mumbled before realizing he shouldn’t have blamed his friends for his mistakes. His mistakes were his own, and some mistakes simply could not be undone.
Ginny giggled slightly, even though her stomach was twisting as her eyes couldn’t help but focus on his neck and the mark of betrayal. She didn’t want him to notice her heartache, so she covered her mouth, pretending she was coughing.
“Oh no. Gin, I forgot something. Wait here. I’ll go back and get the parchment.”
“Parchment?” she asked blankly, in between coughs.
“Yeah, wait here. I want to show you what I do with them. I’ll ride back and fetch some,” he handed her a glass of orange juice, and suddenly pulled out a red rose from his sleeve. Ginny’s mouth opened in awe and her eyes glowed at the rose. The gnawing pain in her gut momentarily vanished; she was mesmerized.
“At least this spell worked,” he said sheepishly as he inserted the rose gently into her hair. He kissed her on the cheek and rushed to the bicycle. He turned his head to her and smiled before he rode off.
Ginny pulled the rose out of her hair and rubbed it against her cheek.
“This must be Hermione’s idea. Harry would never know what to do with a rose, except to peel off the petals one by one…” she giggled as she vividly remembered how Professor Hannibal made him do that silly flower exercise in front of the whole class.
“Why do we need parchment?” she was confused. Nevertheless, she put the glass down and lied on the hammock, admiring the bright blue skies, wondering what he was up to. Perhaps he brought her here to break up with her, she thought to herself. Perhaps this beautiful dream had reached its conclusion and it would be here that he would finally abandon her. But she was determined; she was going to stay and wait for him, no matter how long it took. She had once again led herself to believe his words, the words of a lying lover. A drop of tear rolled down her cheek as the aching pain in her gut came rushing back.
It was only minutes and he had already gotten back to the lake, but to Harry, those minutes felt like eternity. Panting heavily, he hurried over to Ginny, but her eyes were closed. He took off his jacket and covered her gently, admiring her angelic face.
“Dumbledore always said I am brave for my age, then why don’t I have the courage to confess the truth?” he stared into the beautiful sky as he mumbled hopelessly to himself and sat on the warm grass with his back facing her.
He took out a quill and wrote on the parchment:
“Please forgive me for everything that I did. I’m so sorry. Truly sorry. Love, Harry.”
He stared at the parchment with a longing look on his face as his eyes began to tear up again, worrying about the pain Ginny would have to endure as a result of what he did. Rereading what he wrote again and again, he was certain she would leave him. She deserved someone better, because what he did was despicable. He slowly folded the parchment into a paper plane and launched it into the sky. The plane flew steadily towards the lake. After watching it disappear, he continued with the rest of the parchment:
“I hope we’ll always be together. Always. Love, Harry.”
“I’ll die without you! Please don’t leave me! Love, Harry.”
“Please tell me what to do to heal your pain! Love, Harry.”
“I am sorry. Love, Harry.”
He launched the paper planes dejectedly toward the lake, sniffing back tears and watching them stoically as they disappeared into the horizons, desperately hoping that his wishes would come true, that she would not leave him.
Draped in Harry’s jacket and resting on the hammock behind him, Ginny was only pretending to have fallen asleep. She had to close her eyes because she knew they were red and filled with tears; she didn’t want him to see her like this. As she gripped his jacket tightly, she could feel his familiar warmth and endearing aroma embracing her soul. She didn’t want to let go because his warmth always made her feel safe and at peace. As she cuddled it with her arms like it was the most precious thing in the world, she wondered despairingly if his jacket would be all she would be left with that was his after today. She slowly turned to her side and gazed yearningly at his back. Another drop of tear carelessly sparkled down her cheek. She was trying very hard not to look at the mark on his neck as he continued to launch the planes into the lake by himself.
“What a silly boy,” she thought. “Still playing with paper planes…”
She remembered how it wasn’t too long ago that they used to be so passionate as a couple that even Hermione became jealous. They were making promises to each other that they would be together forever regardless of what happened. Now, all she could do was wait for the day he was going utter those final words that he was going to leave her for someone else. All that was in front of her eyes now was his back that didn’t see her. Trying hopelessly to suppress these painful memories so she wouldn’t break down, she breathed deeply and wondered how much longer could she hide behind her actress smile and the inevitable truth.
“AARGH…”
Suddenly, Ginny crashed onto the grass and rolled into him. The two of them were tangled together by the hammock as the two of them tumbled along the grass towards the lake. The parchment flew out of Harry’s hands and flew into the air, like autumn leaves falling from their trees.
“What happened?” Ginny yelled out, struggling with her arms, her hair covering her tear-filled eyes.
“I think the hammock gave way and became undone! Are you okay?” he said as he stopped the momentum and tried desperately to free her. But the hammock became very stubborn and the knot between them became tighter and tighter. It was as if even the hammock wanted them to be together forever.
Their struggling on the grass reminded Ginny how the two of them used to roll around in her bed this past summer when she would tickle him nonstop.
“Are you implying that I’ve gained a few pounds?” she choked, blowing her hair and parchment out of her face. “Just for that, TAKE THIS!”
She stuck her arms out of the netting and buried all ten fingers into his abdomen, tickling him wildly.
“Stop it!” he laughed hysterically as tears rolled down his cheeks. He wasn’t sure if his tears were from crying or from laughing too hard.
Of all people, Ginny was the expert in finding his weak spots. She had all summer to discover them at the Burrow. In fact, she had to cast a silencing charm on her door to drown out the craziness. But Harry was always a gentleman with her. He would never fight back or touch her inappropriately, even though many times she would long for his forbidden touch. Now, it was devastatingly clear to her that the reason for his not touching her was that he never loved her the way she loved him. As he continued letting her have her way, she began to wonder painfully if he was also a gentleman when he was with the other girl.
Their laughter echoed across the lakeside as they continued rolling playfully on the grass. This kind of hearty laugh between them seemed like a distant memory trying to rekindle itself. For some reason neither were in a hurry to untangle each other now as her hair would whip his face and his leg would brush against her arms, just like this past summer. The laughter momentarily drowned out the gnawing pain and agony in their hearts.
Harry suddenly held her hands to him and gazed into her misty brown eyes. She gradually stopped laughing when she caught his apologetic and teary green eyes. She couldn’t help but look away, because he had once promised that those very eyes of his would see only her. The pain in their hearts resurfaced again when the echo from their laughter finally disappeared with the rest of the parchment. As he slowly leaned over to kiss her, she felt his lips and thought despairingly how many times the other girl tasted those very lips as well.
Harry reached for his jacket and wrapped her in it. Wishing the knot would tie them together forever, he embraced her tightly in his arms. He had never held her this tightly before but this time was different; this time he didn’t want to let go and wished that this moment would never end. He was still too terrified to confess; his voice simply left him and his courage continued to fail him. At this very moment, not only was he revolted with himself for betraying her, he was utterly disgusted with himself for the fact that he didn’t even have the courage to tell her to spare her from more pain.
Struggling internally with remorse, he was appalled by his selfishness for unwilling to let her go and for holding her back. His heart was telling him that because of what he did, he no longer deserved her love. Ginny deserved someone who would not hurt her the way he did, and the coward that he was. He had concluded that he had no choice but to set his guardian angel free. It was the least he could do. It was the right thing to do. She deserved someone better, and that person was certainly not him, he thought to himself as he closed his teary eyes and rested his head on Ginny’s shoulder. The right thing to do would be that after sunset, he would go back to being her friend, a friend that would always wish her the best. After sunset, all that would remain of them in his heart would be nothing but a beautiful and painful memory. But without her by his side, he realized he would no longer have a reason to live. He simply loved her too much.
As Ginny’s head snuggled onto his remorseful shoulder, tears started pouring down her cheeks as she wished that the knot would tie them together forever. But sadly, she could sense Harry wanted to tell her something. Her heart was telling her that it would be here that everything would come to an end, that they would part ways, and her guardian angel would finally leave her, she thought to herself as she closed her eyes. Despite all this, she realized that the right thing to do would be to remain as his friend, a friend that would forever wish him the best. Their love together would be nothing but a beautiful and painful memory in her heart after this. But without him by her side, she would no longer have a reason to live, because she loved him too much.
If only their aching hearts were linked the same way as their heartbeats, then perhaps both could hear each other’s internal struggles. Trying very hard to keep her cries silent as she gripped the back of his shirt, Ginny bit her lip, hopelessly wondering for how much longer was this endearing embrace going to last or whether this embrace would be their last.
Unbeknownst to her, Harry was biting his lip and crying silently, wondering about the very same thing too.
When I See Only You by gossipweaver
Chapter Notes: …wondering silently whether this is going to last or whether this is the last…