“Forget about me! Ginny.... JUST LEAVE ME…
“I… DON’T… DESERVE…YOU…” Barking in Harry’s ears was the sound of his own pounding voice. It appeared only he could hear it, judging by Ginny’s calm expressions in front of him, but the volume trembled the air so much it seemingly created an invisible wedge between him and Ginny.
“You’re right, Harry. You don’t deserve her…”
Harry finally discovered the source of these voices; they originated from Ginny’s autumn eyes that hauntingly housed the reflections of himself, staring reproachfully at him. They were chanting back to him mercilessly, the tone of each passage hammering against his eardrums as he stood in front of her under the mistletoe. As he could recall painfully, the reflections were reciting the words that roared out of his mouth when they were in the secret passageway to Hogsmeade, when he was violently shaking her by the shoulders to make her listen. Up until then, he had never raised his voice to her like that, and consequently, tears were streaming out of her eyes. He made her cry that day, and from that point on, she had to cry every night because of him, when in his mind, good men are not supposed to make women cry.
”You always get her in trouble… you’re so bad for her…” his reflections continued to chorus their unforgiving but truthful opinion.
“Harry! You don’t know what a mistletoe is?” asked Hermione incredulously as she unwittingly punctured his verbose reflections in a timely fashion. As the final word twinkled out of her lips, it quickly dawned on her that she had uttered this to him two years ago. She found herself leaning on the wall for support, because Ron was not around to hold up her weakened knees. It was obvious the sight of the perfect picture had overcome her, just like the way she was stirred immensely by their combined efforts as a couple at the competition. She remembered Ron’s shoulder was like a foundation that evening in the audience stands. The joy and pain of seeing her two best friends seemingly reuniting after such a horrible tragedy was finally sinking in. It overwhelmed her so much she had forgotten to question why he had his Firebolt and a stuffed school bag with him this late in the evening.
“Come on, Harry, give Ginny a kiss,” Hermione urged with a cracked voice, still unaware that Harry had regained his full memory and that he too, was twisting about the very same déjà vu feeling, except that he was twisting it under the dense fog of hopelessness and remorse.
Seeing Harry frozen, Ginny assumed her man was just being shy in front of a yapping third-wheeled Hermione, so she boldly took the initiative and gently placed her arms around his waist, pulling him closer. To her surprise, she was not blushing at all, although her eyes were glazed slightly with tears, but she was convinced they were ones of joy.
The identical settings reminded Harry that he once disappointed Ginny when he kissed her forehead under the mistletoe. Arguing with himself, he was not going to repeat this mistake again, and that it had to be her lips tonight and nowhere else, but deep inside, he knew he no longer deserved to get close to her like this.
However, he realized he must please them. He must give them what they wanted. It was the least he could do, so he willingly warmed up his lips, closed his eyes, and kissed her lips, in front of a beaming Hermione.
As soon as their lips met, Ginny felt all the juices igniting like fireworks in her stomach, warming up her entire body. It had been awhile since the last time she kissed him like this. She did kiss him by the staircase after the performance but that one was before she had forgiven him. This time, the atmosphere was weightless and effortless, and genuine. The sensations of the habitual knife slicing her heart were no more. She had passed Oliver’s test with flying colors.
Unable to withstand the relentless mounting remorse on his shoulders, Harry automatically pulled away just as Ginny was about to advance further.
“Harry, what’s wrong?” Ginny poked his arm playfully and magnetized her eyes with his, accidentally detecting the concealed distance evaporating out of him, not knowing her eyes were the one thing he could no longer bear to face, the rippling autumn triggering knifing words to erupt in his head again.
“Ginny, I’ve always wondered who put the autumn in your eyes…
“He was the boy you hugged when he felt alone,
- “the cheeks you kissed when he was troubled,
“the bones you supported when they were brittle,
“the body you gave fire to when he was cold,
“the soul you mended when he lost hope,
“the heart you filled with love when he was hollow…
“But he was the one who gave you… the autumn in your eyes…”
Clenching his teeth, Harry shook his head laboriously and held her hand.
“Nothing,” he heard himself reply abruptly, hating himself more by the second for his continued failure to confess and apologize.
“Nothing.”
***
Under Hermione’s suggestion, Harry would find himself taking Ginny up the mountain for a nighttime star gazing date. Although the warmth that was Ginny was solidly wrapped around his back as he maneuvered across the starry skies, he never felt more alone and soulless as the excruciating details of what he did continued to punish his mind convolutedly. Acting like a freezing body of water, the cold temperatures would extinguish the torch of fire in his heart…
“It was supposed to be... our last hug… when you held me… while I cried… by the lakeside…
“I told you to leave me… forget me...
"I didn’t want to head back to the hospital. Why did you take me there?
“You should have left me in the passageway, then… you wouldn’t have to suffer this pain all over again…
“Why did you invite me to stay at the Burrow, and… having me in your face, reminding you everyday what I've done to you…”
Slowly but surely, his illogical mind wandered back further, to two years ago, when Ginny was stricken by the dream curse, and the words he pledged to her by her bedside at the hospital. As he continued to steer his Firebolt mindlessly, he wondered achingly whether tonight, everything could play out to the promise he made to her that day…
“Harry, what’re you doing?” Ginny giggled loudly and held him tighter because the broom was suddenly vibrating madly.
“It’s… the wind…” he blamed innocently as he caressed her hand and pressed it deliberately into his belly, asking himself somberly if this would be the last time they would fly together like this.
As soon as he blamed the wind for which there was none, a spark crossed the corner of Ginny’s eyes and it triggered a drop of tear, but she knew it was safe for her to cry a little. Snuggling onto his back, she could hear his thumping heartbeat now, and satisfyingly, the poignant and deep rhythms sounded exactly like she remembered. Unbeknownst to him, she was pondering about the same thing he was, as she carefully harmonized her own heartbeat with his, whether the fairy tale the old Harry once whispered into her ear two years ago in the hospital wing would begin to play itself out tonight…
Every single living creature surrounding them was already quietly in deep sleep when they arrived at the mountain top, except for the noisy emotions clanking in their hearts. The gentle breeze resembled the light breathing of the night clouds.
“AAARRRGHHHH…” Ginny suddenly found herself roaring freely into the silent air towards the castle as she stood by the cliff. She concluded her insanity with her lady-like signature giggles. As the echoes traveled back diligently, the scream was magnified by her clear and uncluttered voice. She had never felt so carefree and peaceful. It was obvious all the symptoms from her cold were gone.
When she turned around, checking for Harry’s shocked reaction to her crazy behavior, she found him shaking his head. But he was smiling, a smile that seemingly woke up all the sleeping beings around them.
Ginny rushed over to him and seized the shopping bags Hermione had eagerly packed for them for this event. Hermione was certainly a good friend and definitely a master of spells and charms for this sort of thing. In the window of less than five minutes, she was able to gather all the items needed for a picnic under the stars, including a large bottle of fresh cold champagne.
Harry helped set the candles on the ground as Ginny lit them, illuminating the air around them, the flames competing with the stars in the sky. Seeing the cold champagne, he opened the bottle and poured two glasses. Knowing that champagne would put Ginny to sleep, Harry realized what he had to do when the night was over.
“The castle is truly beautiful,” Ginny pointed elegantly before noticing Harry had already wandered away from her. Curiously, he was holding a tree branch, tranquilly carving something in the snow. Like a cat, she sneaked up behind him and closed her hands over his watery eyes before spotting his artwork from the heart…
“Ginny, I think it’s a bit crooked but you know… I’m not much of an artist,” muttered Harry apologetically as the branch finally connected the boundary of his heart. Disagreeing with him, Ginny’s eyes danced like the candle flames as a sense of surrealism swept over her. Watching him surround the snowy heart with candles, making it come roaring alive, her heart began to warm up glowingly too. She was beginning to understand why she fell in love with him.
“Ginny, isn’t the flame of a candle… amazing, the way it flickers?” asked Harry philosophically, examining one of them and teasing it with his finger.
“It is bright and hot, but at the same time…” Harry suddenly winced when he forgot to pull back his finger, “the flame… it is… very fragile…
“All it takes is… a blow of the wind… and it will…” he blew the flame out in one breath.
“In the blink of an eye, it’ll disappear…”
He peered at the smoldering wick closely, from which a trail of fresh smoke was coming out, “It’s as if it’s telling us… there are things that… even though they’re bright and hot at one point… it can be fragile and-“
Harry immediately bounced back as the wick suddenly re-ignited into a fresh blaze. It was one second away from turning the hair in his nostrils into ashes.
“There! It’s back!” she laughed subtly, tucking her wand back into her blouse and sipping more champagne.
“But the flame… is not the same one as before,” he whimpered mutedly, rubbing his nose.
He proceeded to refill her glass as they quietly rested on the blanket, sitting side by side. It was already her third helping…
“The name of that one is “ Sunbean “!” he asserted confidently.
“You mean “ Sunbeam “” she glared at him and giggled disjointedly after another mouthful of champagne. Struggling to keep her eyes open, she was too overjoyed to remember she was especially sensitive to the effects.
“No, it’s “ Sunbean “ spelled with an “ n “ …” he laughed softly.
“I like that one! What’s the name of that one, Harry?” she pointed vaguely as Harry gently reached out and held her hand, triggering a delayed but sweet smile from her. He could sense she was beginning to be succumbed by the champagne.
“Her name is… Moonbean…” he heard himself mumble profoundly, gazing at her flushed cheeks and noticing her eyes were getting heavy.
“Ginny, I want to tell you… Moonbean will… soon be eclipsed by the clouds… and then… she’ll be… gone…
“As beautiful and powerful as she is… she can’t avoid the inevitable… that… the clouds will eventually… blanket over her… and she’ll…
“It’s like… there are some beautiful things in this world… but unfortunately they are just an illusion…
“The more you want it to be real… the more elusive it is…
“Do you understand, Ginny?” he asked choppily.
“Uh? What were you saying?” Ginny recharged her eyes, feeling slightly guilty for not paying attention to Harry’s ramblings about illusion and reality.
“Oh, the clouds…” she sputtered dimly. “They’ll eventually drift… away and then I’ll see… what did you call it? … Moonbean… again.”
“But it won’t be the same star,” insisted Harry fruitlessly. “Moonbean will be no more.”
“Cold, Ginny?” he removed his jacket and scarf and wrapped them around her, as she wavered to his side dizzyingly. Disoriented, she fractionally missed his shoulder and accidentally tumbled to the ground.
“Harry, you’re not supposed to drop me,” she hopped up mindlessly as Harry gently brushed the snow off her hair.
“Remember the performance… when you caught me in the last second?” Ginny yawned faintly as she started to hum the song they performed to.
Because of her weakened senses, she failed to notice the shadow of his anguish face at this moment, in response to the realization that the sun would soon rise, when tonight would slip into yesterday, and his time would be up.
As the sleep demon was beginning to close down her defiant eyelids, Ginny knew she shouldn’t have consumed so much champagne. A heavy mist of uncertainty was flickering inside her, but she was unsure how it originated. For some reason, she could foretell that she must not let her eyes close, because a spacious voice in her head was informing her that her eyelids would symbolize the blanket of clouds covering the stars that Harry was just describing. In response, she was determined to not let them cover her view of Harry, because when she reopens them, he might be gone, just like the stars.
Seeing Harry’s face disintegrating in front of her at this point because of her deteriorating vision, she pulled him closer to get a better view, so she could get a confirmation that he was still by her side, because she was terrified he would leave her behind.
“Harry…” she made one more attempt to clarify her opaque vision, and she gazed at him with the face of a little girl. “Smile for me. I want to see… a dimpled smile.”
Biting his lip, Harry summoned all his energy to comply for her, as tears drowned in his heart.
It did not matter. As Oliver taught her, it was up to her to choose to focus on the good, the things she liked to see, in the person she chose to love. Despite all the imperfections and tears on his face, his dimpled smile would still register itself beautifully in her heart.
Cuddled inside his jacket and scarf, she finally realized she wasted too much time keeping him at a distance this past year. From now on, she would no longer demand him of anything. She would grant him all the freedom, all the benefit of the doubt, and all the time and explanations he needed. Even though he appeared sad now, she wouldn’t press for reasons why.
That was why she must take the opportunity to let him know how she truly felt before the sleep demon would conquer her. Afraid of a missed opportunity, she did not want to waste more time; she was determined to make him hers tonight. She must do more than just tickle him. She pledged that before she fell asleep, she must surrender herself to him intimately even if it would require her to exchange her dignity for him tonight. She was convinced this was truly what she wanted, and that it wasn’t the champagne unleashing her inhibitions. And if she did fall asleep afterwards, may his aroma stay in her dreams, and continue to embrace her, she wished to herself.
Acting on her mission, Ginny lunged at Harry’s chest, her hungry hands yearningly eating up his every angle, her eyes dictating them to peel off his barriers, so they could grace his bare hot skin like they once had. The jacket that was draped on her shoulder obediently slipped into the snow so it would not be in her way.
Just when her hands were about to melt into him, he surprised her by quickly grabbing hold of her wrists to make her stop, as gently as he could, because he was afraid of hurting her with his strength. She quickly broke free of his tenuous grip and reached for his waist, trying to find her way inside him before he again halted her hands.
Refusing to give up, she saw herself shoving him to the ground as she climbed on top of him. He was stunned on his back as she sat up, with him wedged tightly between her thighs. Making sure he would get a full display of her body, she adjusted his glasses and proceeded to unbutton her blouse. She hoped it would do the trick and unseal his desires, but her fingers were entangled frustratingly because of the effects from the champagne.
Just before she successfully undid her second button, he suddenly bounced up and latched his arms tightly around her, immobilizing her. She found herself no longer able to move her seductive hands and arms that were trapped in his tight grip. However, her lips and her voice would gladly continue her mission.
“Harry… I love…” her voice lost its direction when he quickly silenced her by jamming her lips with his as he continued to lock her arms securely with his embrace. He gently guided her to the ground with his weight so she could move no further, while keeping his knees against the ground so he wouldn’t crush her, so she would still be comfortable. More importantly for him however, his knees would precariously ensure a safe guarded distance between their yearning lower bodies.
Thinking Harry was going to make his next advance any moment now, she let go of her struggles as she rested peacefully underneath him, with his lips still sealed with hers. Her heart was smiling, thinking she would finally get her wish, that Harry would finally make his intimate imprint on her, and after tonight, he would be hers forever. Lying on her back, she didn’t want to fall asleep because she wanted to savor this experience as well as give him a night he would never forget, but her eyelids would ultimately fail her because of the champagne.
”Please…” she pleaded silently to Harry, hoping he would devour her now before it was too late. But it was futile. Before she fell asleep, she begged the sleep demon to pass a message to Harry, the one she failed to deliver moments ago because he had jammed her lips. She really wanted to let him know that…
”Harry, I love you…”
After waiting for a few minutes in the motionless embrace, Harry could sense she had fallen asleep. He gently loosened his grip on her as he pulled his guilty lips away.
“I’m sorry, Ginny. I have to stop you. I can’t let you do this.
“I don’t deserve you. Please forgive me…” Harry muttered soundlessly.
He carefully buttoned up her blouse and covered her with his jacket. As he gazed at her sleeping image, he could spot the snow in her hair and the lines and angles on her face, knowing very well the origins of all those scars. What his reflections said to him earlier was right, he admitted to himself. He now realized he was the one who put the deep autumn in her eyes. He put the angles and lines on her face. He stole her giggles and her spark. She had gone quiet because of him.
As much as he wanted to make love to her, he couldn’t let it happen. He didn’t want to hurt her more; he realized he didn’t deserve her love.
He had originally planned to secretly run away tonight after his return from St. Mungro’s Hospital. This was the only solution he could think of in such a brief period of time. As irrational as it was, leaving Hogwarts and Ginny was the only option. That was why he had his Firebolt and a stuffed school bag, with which he hastily packed. Even though he promised Samantha he would never leave Ginny, he realized he had to break that promise for Ginny’s sake.
“Ginny, Dumbledore’s wrong. You’re not better off with me in your life,” he muttered calmly.
However, when he ran into Ginny, he momentarily changed his mind after being spellbound by her again. For a minute, he considered the path of pretending that he didn’t recover his memory and he would carry on with her as if everything was normal. Alternatively, he could apologize and Ginny would forgive him. But he crossed out both of these choices when he caught her autumn eyes.
”I can’t look you in the eye… without realizing the truth of what I’ve done to you…”
Hermione was indeed a good friend. Her suggestion would allow him to savor a perfect night with Ginny before leaving for good, so he would have something to treasure, but he would end up hating himself more for it.
“Once again, I failed, as a coward, to apologize to you. Can I look for something to blame for my cowardice? Perhaps say that people are generally selfish beings…
“As a selfish person, I wanted to take this perfect night with me, and see your face of yesterday again, and hear you laugh...
“I know I wouldn’t be able to say goodbye if you were awake, because I’m a coward... I have to do it while you’re asleep…”
Absorbing her sleeping image into his heart, Harry remembered the last pledge he made to her by the hospital bed two years ago…
“Ginny, it feels like I’ve made too many promises to you… because I’m not fulfilling even half of them… because I’m no longer able to…
“Instead of saying I love you like I promised that day at the hospital, I have to say…
“I’m sorry,” he whispered softly into her ears as he tucked her inside his jacket.
The candle flames of the heart had since fizzled away, except for one. Conspicuous and stubborn, the lone soldier was the one Harry had extinguished but Ginny relit shortly after.
“In the future, when you remember me, I hope… you’ll only remember… the good times we shared together...
“We did have some good times…” he chuckled solemnly. In the background, he could hear the singing of birds, signaling to him that dawn was approaching.
“When you’ll happily begin your next love journey,” he hastily inserted the final piece of the jigsaw puzzle into her palm, “I’ll… also sadly… commence my own separate journey…”
When he found himself leaning closer to her lips, he quickly zoomed back. Grabbing his stuffed schoolbag, he mounted his broom and sailed away, knowing he had to do it hurriedly before he changed his mind, before his heart would re-ignite for her once again. He could not allow himself to turn back. He must fly away as far as possible, even though it was a journey without a destination.
“Please let tonight be our conclusion…”
A/N: Chapter 10 Lost In Reflection from story 1 was where Harry was thinking out loud and began to voice all these promises to Ginny. I hope you'll revisit that chapter.