Rita: A — a talking snake?
Me: Yes, I'm a talking snake. I —
Rita: If you talk, why am I writing in your diary?
Me: Because I don't speak English, you fool! I only speak Parseltongue!
Rita: Oh. Well, um, what did you want? You know I don't associate with Dark Objects....
Me: I'm not a "Dark Object," at least... not anymore. I've seen the error of my ways....
Rita: What kind of proposition do you have for me?
Me: How would you like to be the only reporter to get the "inside scoop" on Voldemort?
Rita: ...
Me: I have several videos showing Voldemort in some rather embarrassing situations. Now, I'm a sharing sort of gal, so I'd be willing to share them with you... for a price.
Rita: Price? I don't think so. This sounds like some kind of hoax. I'm out of here...
Me: Wait! You don't want me to tell the Ministry that you're an unregistered Animagus, do you?
Rita: How in the ruddy hell do you know about that?
Me: I have my own contacts within the Ministry.... Those delivery owls they keep there are dead useful, if you get my drift... So, do we have a deal?
Rita: Fine. Deal.
Me: Just so we're clear: I get credit for half, and receive half the moolah the films fetch.
Rita: Screw that. I'm out of here.
Me: Two words: Unregistered Animagus.
Rita: Damn it. All right, half the credit and money goes to you. How would you like to be credited?
Me: Just as Nagini.
Rita: No last name to go with that?
Me: If I told you, I'd have to kill you.
So, with a slightly odd handshake (her shaking my rattler), we made a deal to showcase the films in The Daily Prophet. She warned me that it might take a few days for it to be approved.
Day 1,033 - You'll never believe what I saw today in The Daily Prophet. Here, I posted the ad:
One large, green snake, female.
Markings on back, answers to any command.
If found, please return to:
4426 Gellandie Road
Little Hangleton, England
Careful with handling, may bite if provoked.
Now he looks for me? Pfft. "Answers to any command?" Who does he think he's kidding anyway? I answer to no one but myself.
Day 1,035 - Sweet, sweet revenge! Rita managed to get my films in their own special edition of The Daily Prophet! They must've used a special movie showing charm because now on the front page shows my film, Voldy in the Shower in all its horrifying glory. Though that's not the film I would have suggested putting on the front. I mean, loads of people read this at breakfast. They shouldn't be subjected to seeing such a nauseating sight of a naked Voldy butt that early in the morning....
Day 1,038 - Today The Daily Prophet showcased another of my films, Voldy on the Toilet. Woo, boy... if Voldy ever saw me now, he'd Avada Kedavra me right on the spot. I may need to go into a Magical Witness Protection Program....
Day 1,041 - The last, and final film in my Serpentsortia films (The Eternal Struggle), was showcased on today's front page under the title of: "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named Made Laughing Stock of Wizard Community - By Nagini and Rita Skeeter"
I would just love to see his face when he reads the morning paper... Hee... hee...
Day 1,042 - Death Eaters have raided the Hogshead Inn! Leading the charge was my former master, dear ole Voldy. And boy, was he looking a bit perturbed to say the least. Of course, instead of being met with fear and a bunch of cowering idiots, he was met with snickers and laughter. I seem to have ruined his image a bit....
He saw me in the back of the pub, my face down in a butterbeer glass. I heard him coming closer, our eyes met as I looked up. I barely got out of the way before he shouted Avada Kedavra at me.
Still Day 1,042 - *pant pant* I barely made it out of there alive! Oh, dear sweet someone up there that likes me so, I must find a way for him to not recognize me! But how? Think Nagini, think....
Day 1,043 - You'll never believe you I've just run into: Harry and co. Yes, the so-called Golden Trio. They saw me hiding among the branches, waiting for someone to come save me. My prayers must have been answered. Though that's not quite how I was imagining things....
I spoke to Harry directly, since he's the only one who understands me. I promised to tell him everything I know about Voldy if he would only help me to escape him. After a quick conversation with the other two, he turned to face me. "Please," I hissed. "Don't judge me on my past misdeeds. If I were truly evil still, I wouldn't have embarrassed the hell out of Voldy like that."
Harry looked thoughtful for a moment before turning around to talk to the bushy-haired witch and the fire-haired wizard. After a moment, he turned around again. "What is it that you want us to do for you?"
Day 1,045 - I can't believe it worked. It feels so strange to actually be able to hold a quill in my hands, and not in my mouth. When I stand, I can actually see eye to eye with people! Let me explain....
I was able to convince the Trio to.... *squee!*... make me human! Yes, human! I am no longer a snake. I am a beautiful young woman. I'm a real girl now! Screw Pinoccio! And it was all thanks to the bushy-haired witch and her advanced knowledge of magic! Now Voldy won't recognize me! He'll be looking for a snake, not a human! Ha!
Day 1,046 - To keep up my end of the bargain, I had to tell the Order everything I knew about Voldy: Who he has working for him, where they're hiding, what's his next move is, etc., etc. I answered them all to the best of my knowledge as he hardly ever shared any info with me. Humph.
Adjusting to the two-legged life is difficult. I still find myself reverting back to my snake-y ways at times. Can't blame me though, I've been a snake my whole life! Why, just an hour ago, I found myself almost biting this strange guy named Moody's leg. Oy, did that lead to some rather uncomfortable few seconds....
According to scar-head... oh, er... Potter, I need to come up with a new name for myself....
Day 1,047 - I've got it! My new name will be Sarah! It's a common name, and Voldy will never suspect it!
Meanwhile, the war is still going on. It's absolutely horrible. I don't think I'll be writing anymore until the war is over....
Toodles for now,
Sarah
Day 1,500 - The war is over, and Voldy has been defeated. Most of the Death Eaters have been captured and sent to Azkaban. The others weren't so lucky. They were either: A) killed in battle, or B) received the Dementor's kiss. (Un)lucky them. Let us hope that the Dementors used breath mints before kissing someone, or at least - for the love of Merlin - gargled and brushed.
As strange as it is for me to write this, I can't help but wonder if Dementors ever French kiss their victims.
Ew.
Day 1,501 - Sad to say, Bella didn't get killed or kissed. Instead, she's sitting on her ugly butt in prison. I just found out from Harry who's been visiting the captured Death Eaters in Azkaban, ID'ing them, and whatever the spaz MoM is having him do.
Meh.
Seeing as how Voldy chose Bella over me, I hope those prison stripes on her make her look hideous. More so.
Voldy didn't die in the battle. All the while, he's been waiting to be prosecuted. They are still trying to figure out what punishment would best suit him. I suggested that he be Frenched by a Dementor. Though, I don't know who I'll feel more sorry for: Voldy, or the Dementor that got stuck doing it.
*sigh*
One can only hope that he regrets letting me go. Hmph.
Day 1,510 - I can't believe that I am on my way to Azkaban to actually see Voldy. Scratch that... Voldy in PRISON! I have to go now. Harry's waiting for me. He was nice enough to offer me the chance to rub it in to Voldy one last time. I swear, I must remember to kiss Harry when we get back....
Still Day 1,510 - The journey to Azkaban wasn't quite what I imagined. Let's just say that it involved me being squeezed into some tube-like thing next to someone who does not know what the letters B.O. stand for - or even that it has happened to him. God, I haven't smelled something that awful since Bella (liberally) sprayed herself with this cheap French perfume that reeked of something I could only guess as cat pee.
Oh, I could not smell anything for at least a week afterwards after it "mysteriously" found itself in the toilet and down the drain. Really, I don't know how it got there. *cough* Honest. But I'm going off topic here....
I really do believe Voldy just about passed out when I came walking up to his cell and told him who I really was.
"Nagini..." he whispered, eyes growing wide. He scrambled closer to the bars to get a better look at me.
I raised my eyebrows. "How nice of you to remember me. Especially since you like Bella better."
"Nagini, I - I made a mistake.... Please forgive me!"
Harry, who smiled a devilish grin at me, leaned over and whispered something into my ear at that moment.
I stared at Voldy for a moment before raising my hand and saying, "Talk to the hand 'cause the head ain't listening."
"Nagini, you're the only girl for me. Please, don't leave me here!"
"After all the evil things you made me do. And seeing as how you never respected me, I don't know why I should even look at you."
"But - but..."
Ha! For once, Voldy was at a loss for words. After a moment of him looking dumbstruck, he finally managed to spit out a complete sentence. "You... you little traitor!" he shouted. "You're that Potter freak's supporter now!"
"At least he respects me for me, and not as just something to do your bidding!" I shouted back. Harry, meanwhile, kept grinning as Voldy and I continued out little shouting match. I think he was enjoying this a little too much, perhaps.
"After all I've done for you -"
"What have you done for me?" I asked. "It was always one order after another with you. You are just an ungrateful little prat! And all the times you tried to feed Wormtail to me... Merlin! Why didn't I leave sooner? That was just plain sick!" With my hands placed firmly on my hips, I shouted one last time before leaving, "I don't think you're ready for this jelly!"
Day 1,517 - It has been a trying time since I started this dear diary. But the time has come for me to move on. I am no longer the same girl I was when I started this diary. Henceforth, this will be my last entry into it.
Since this is my last entry, I should at least mention the day's events: It seems ol' Voldy is still sitting in prison for his "misdeeds." (And I use the term loosely.) He is to wait there until Harry kills him. I mean, "nobody can live while the other survives," right? Harry is busy planning on how best to do it. I suggested poisoning his food, but Harry is opting for something not so subtle... more violent I suppose. I mentioned letting the Dementors French kiss him, which sent him over the edge, laughing as though it was the funniest thing ever. Eh, I guess it is, but I was being serious.
Oh well.
Harry offered to show me his aunt and uncle's house this afternoon, while taking a break from his "Kill Voldy" scheming. He said we couldn't go in (telling me his relatives are huge pains-in-the-arses), but he lead me right up the driveway and we looked into the windows like a couple of peeping Toms.
Here's where it gets interesting. Apparently, the-all-around-pain-in-the-arse (also known as Rita Skeeter), sold our films to Muggle TV, and now they're being broadcasted across Muggle England - and onto the Dursley's TV. (Memo to me: Make sure the cow pays up.) We, apparently, arrived just in time to see the 12 'o clock news playing "A weirdly dressed fool making a complete and utter idiot of himself." (Their words exactly. Though it would have been more appropriate to say "A completely spazzed Dark Lord - who didn't respect his girl - paid the ultimate price in embarrassment.")
Suffice to say, I never thought I see the day when Voldy would be shown on Muggle TV. Oh how I wish I could see his face.... Though it was nothing compared to mine when I heard through the open window, Harry's uncle speak:
"Petunia, dear, have you noticed how today's teenagers just keep getting weirder and weirder?"
The End
A/N: I can't believe that this is the end of my story... :-(
It was fun writing it for you guys. I hope you'll check out my other fics, and the stories I have on my favorites list.