Chapter 17 The Return of S.P.E.W.
“Blimey you’re irritable today!” Ron chided Harry for snapping at Dennis Creevy. “It’s Sunday afternoon. This is your last chance to relax before classes start tomorrow. You shouldn’t waste it by being unhappy.”
“Yeah, I’m irritable. So what?” Harry snapped back.
“Don’t you jump on me mate. Dennis didn’t mean any harm. You weren’t doing anything, except maybe daydreaming,” Ron said.
Harry went back to what he was doing, which was staring out the window.
“Is that it? Did Dennis interrupt a good daydream?” Ron teased. “Was it about a certain brown-eyed girl?”
Harry felt bad about snapping at his friends.
“Sorry,” Harry said.
It had been a good daydream. One about squeezing into a cupboard in the pantry with a certain house-elf while reminding her that physical contact was good for the health of Magically Bonded couples. Just thinking about it made him grin and turn red.
“I knew it!” Ron said with a laugh. “You shouldn’t let her run off to London without you like this. Separation is hard on Magically Bonded couples. Harry you really ought to read those rules that the Ministry of Magic sent.”
“Those rules are five-hundred years old,” Harry said. “Chastity belts and crap, I could never treat Hermione like that.”
He stared out the bedroom room window. From this window he could see the smoke when a train came into the station at Hogsmeade. But Hermione wouldn’t be back until tomorrow afternoon and there wasn’t any smoke to see. He sighed.
“Is Harry missing his little wifey?” Ron joked.
“Yes, I think so,” Harry admitted. “I just want her back here, where I can see that she’s safe.”
“So you can hold her gently in your arms…” Ron said with exaggerated sweetness.
“Yeah,” Harry said quietly.
“…and shag her brains out,” Ron finished with a laugh.
“Ooo Ah, Ooo Ah” Dennis added.
“Your minds are in the gutter,” Harry said. “What is Dennis doing in here anyway?”
“Dennis brought us the stuff from Fred and George, he’s been hiding it all week. Is Hermione planning on spending a lot of time in London?” Ron asked.
“The next two weekends,” Harry replied.
“She’ll miss the Hogsmeade weekend! I thought you were going to take her to lunch at Chang’s,” Ron exclaimed. “You should forbid her to go,” he said firmly.
“I don’t think that will work,” Harry said. “She’s pretty strong willed.”
“Are you sure you don’t want a stick so you can beat some sense into her?” Ron joked.
“I could never hit Hermione, she’s saved my life twice this term, not to mention Her Night of Torture for the Boy She Loves,” Harry said wistfully.
“I thought you might be an old softy,” Ron said. “So I got you a stick that will beat her for you.”
“What?”
“I got it from the Whomping Willow, at great personal risk I might add,” Ron bragged. “Just look at this.”
Ron held out a stick that appeared quite ordinary.
“Anima,” Ron chanted gleefully.
The stick came to life and began lashing out at the closest person.
“OW! Stop that!” Dennis protested. “What did I do? OW!”
“You disturbed Harry’s daydream,” Ron laughed.
“How did you cast that spell without the alarm going off?” Harry asked.
“You better stop that damn stick or I’ll hex you! OW!” Dennis shouted. “And I don’t give a rat’s ass about the fucking alarm! OW!”
“Arresto” Ron said with a snicker. “I used a bamboo wand.”
“A bamboo wand? Did you nick it from Flitwick’s cabinet?” Harry asked.
“Fred and George smuggled in a whole box of them when they came for the Quidditch match,” Ron said. “The bamboo wands are loaded with various spells. They’re even color coded.”
“Those bamboo wands are fine for levitating feathers and deflecting dungbombs but you can’t put a complex or high level spell into one,” Harry stated.
“Fred and George say that there is a lot of variation in the quality of Flobber worm hearts. They developed a way to test the bamboo wands to see how good they really are,” Ron said. “They sent us some that can hold reasonably decent spells.”
“What else did they give us?” Harry asked.
“They also sent us some of their own stuff,” Ron said. “Extendable Ears Deluxe Version, assorted toffees that will enlarge the tongue, nose, ears and other body parts, Exploding Butterflies, Guided Bumblebees, Hex Reflectors, an Instant Ghost Projector, and a couple of Invisibility Hats. They developed them from those Headless Hats they had last year except these extend the invisibility field to cover the whole body.
“Hex reflectors could be very useful,” Harry said. “The Bumblebees could be annoying, and the Butterflies could be used to detonate larger explosives, but just what is an Instant Ghost Projector?”
“It’s disguised to look like a book,” Ron said as he placed the projector on the floor in the middle of the room. “You put a photo of someone into this compartment and water into that compartment and the projector turns the water into a mist that takes on the appearance of the person in the photo,” he explained. “Dennis do you have any interesting photos on you?”
“How about Cindy Chambers doing stretching exercises?” Dennis suggested.
“Whoa! Tight T-shirt! No bra! Where did you get a picture like that?” Ron asked in awe.
“That’s a trade secret,” Dennis said.
Ron placed the picture of Cindy into the projector and filled it with water. In a few seconds there was a life sized ghostly Cindy Chambers doing exercises in the boys’ bed room.
“This particular bamboo wand is what Fred and George call one out of a thousand. They loaded it with a transfiguration spell that can temporarily turn a mist into a solid object.”
Ron aimed the wand at the ghostly image of Cindy Chambers and set off the spell. The image solidified and the boys were treated to a very realistic looking Cindy Chambers.
“That’s an interesting device,” Harry said. “But how can we use it to attack the Slytherins?”
“Cindy’s really stacked isn’t she?” Dennis observed.
“Dennis, I don’t think a boy of your tender young age should be watching a girl like Cindy exercising without her bra,” Harry said.
“I don’t think a married guy should be watching a girl like Cindy exercising without her bra,” Dennis countered.
Harry looked out the window again, as if that would somehow make the train arrive sooner.
“Give Harry a break, Dennis,” Ron said. “Just because a fellow’s on a diet it doesn’t mean he can’t look at the menu.
A few minutes later Ron spoke again. “She’s fading away. That’s the end of the show. Did either of you bother to time the duration of the spell?”
“I’ve got some French postcards in my room,” Dennis said. “Do you want to try one of them?”
“We can use this projector to make people think they see someone when that person’s not really there,” Harry thought out loud. “We can use my Invisibility Cloak or one of the Hats to do something without being seen, and we can use the Ghost Projector to fabricate an alibi.”
“With all this stuff we can attack the Slytherins now without setting off the alarm,” Ron said.
“I’m not all that keen on just hexing Malfoy and his gang,” Harry said. “I don’t want to play childish pranks on them, even if the pranks are painful. I want to get at the truth. If they really did attack Hermione in the bathroom, I want them arrested, tried and sent to prison. These bamboo wands are all well and good but I want to make some Slytherin students talk.”
“I would truly like to torture Draco Malfoy,” Ron said. “But Fred and George didn’t send any bamboo wands that were loaded with the Cruciatus curse. I think what we really need is Veritaserum,” Ron concluded thoughtfully.
“Maybe Professor Snape will give you some,” Dennis said. “And maybe pigs will start flying for Christmas. And maybe it will snow a lot next July. Personally, I can’t wait to try out the wand with the double purple stripes. I’ve been picking out targets all week and trying to decide who to do first.”
Harry checked the list that described the color coding system.
“The one with double purple stripes contains the Devestimenta Charm,” Harry read. “Just what is that?”
“It strips the victim naked,” Dennis said.
“How do you know about that charm?” Harry asked. “Flitwick didn’t cover it when I was in third year!”
“I read about it in a Magical Joke book that I borrowed from Fred and George last year,” Dennis explained. “Cindy Chambers moved up a notch in my book today and anyway you cut it Cho Chang is cute and Parvati…”
“Would you stop making wise cracks about girls, we’re trying to figure out how to bring Malfoy’s gang to justice,” Harry snapped.
“If I popped Hermione you could dash to her side and throw your cloak around her and hold her naked body real tight to protect her,” Dennis suggested.
“Don’t even think about it you little twerp,” Harry said, pointing a random bamboo wand at Dennis.
“You’ll have to steal some Veritaserum from Snape’s office,” Ron said distantly. “This is going to take some planning. He watches you like a hawk.”
On Monday morning Ron was paired with Hannah Abbott in Potions class because both Hermione and Susan Bones weren’t back from London. Ron spent most of the double period studying and making notes of the layout of the Potions classroom while leaving the work of brewing the assigned potion to Hannah. When she came over to Harry and Ernie to complain about Ron’s behavior, her cauldron boiled over. Ron defended himself by pointing out that a person standing next to the North window could not be easily seen by a person standing near Malfoy and Parkinson’s bench. Hannah thought that was a rather poor excuse for slacking off in class.
That afternoon in Charms class Harry found a window that allowed him to see a bit of the railway viaduct in the distant valley. He spent most of the class searching for smoke.
“Mr. Potter… Harry… HARRY POTTER!”
Harry jumped. The other students snickered. Professor Flitwick looked angry. It was hard for Harry to avoid smiling because Professor Flitwick reminded him of a yappy little terrier that was trying to act tough but couldn’t bite you above the knee.
“What did I say to you?” Flitwick asked sharply.
“The incantation for the Voice Throwing Charm is Ventriliquo,” Harry said.
The other students snickered again.
“That was what I said the first time I caught you staring out the window, Mr. Potter,” Flitwick said. “Try again.”
“The permanent enchantment of music boxes with the Voice Throwing Charm is the basis for the operation of the Wizarding Wireless Network,” Harry said.
A ball of paper bounced off his head as the students snickered again.
“That was what I said the second time I caught you staring out the window, Harry,” the little Professor sighed. “Any more guesses?”
“No sir,” Harry said sheepishly.
“I said that the train will arrive weather you are watching for it or not. Now pay attention Potter!” Flitwick chided him. “I am going to show you the proper wand movement for the Voice Throwing Charm.
As soon as Charms class ended Harry ran down to the Entrance Hall. In a few minutes Hermione came through the door. She dropped her suitcase and ran to Harry. They grabbed each other in a desperate hug and kissed passionately without regard for the crowd around them.
“Easy does it,” Ron warned. “You don’t want to lose House Points for us do you? You’re setting a bad example for the students that aren’t married yet, like all of us.”
“How did your trip go?” Harry asked her.
“It was good, except I missed you so much it almost hurt. I might have been a bit irritable,” Hermione admitted.
“Maybe just a little irritable,” Susan Bones added in a sarcastic tone.
“It’s a fascinating project and we made a lot of progress,” Hermione reported.
“We didn’t get as far as Augustus wanted us to, because we didn’t make any progress on Saturday,” Susan stated.
“That’s not true at all!” Hermione said defensively. “Those changes were necessary! The project wasn’t ethical! We are obligated to look out for the patient’s safety!”
“You are of course right, Hermione,” Susan said in exasperation. “But it was a bit of a scene and it meant a lot more work for us. Writing fiction…”
“It’s all fiction!” Hermione snapped.
“How do you know that!” Susan snapped back.
“Harry and Ron told me and they know! It’s better to make the changes now rather than later,” Hermione lectured. “If we don’t…”
Harry had no idea what she was talking about and he thought the argument had gone on long enough so he smothered Hermione’s reasoning with another kiss. She didn’t resist. Susan stalked off towards the Hufflepuff dormitory.
When Harry let go of Hermione she took a deep breath and changed the subject.
“Harry, while I was in London I got a letter from the Ministry of Magic. They receive some of my mail and had to forward it,” she said. Then she lowered her voice to a whisper. “It originated in Canada.” She gave Harry a few seconds to think and then continued to whisper. “If my parents sent us a Christmas present would you accept it?”
“Us?” Harry asked as they walked over to a corner where they could be alone. “Do they know that we’re Magically Married?”
“No, they wouldn’t understand that,” she said. “But I told them that I care about you and that the Dursleys don’t want you to go home for Christmas.”
“Why wouldn’t I accept a present from them and what are you talking about anyway?” Harry asked.
“Some guys get all defensive and needlessly upset when their in-laws try to help,” Hermione said. “I’m glad you’re not that insecure. Mom and Dad will send us tickets to fly to Canada for the Holidays, if you’re willing to go.”
“I’ll have to talk to Dumbledore about it,” Harry said.
“Oh, Thank you, Harry,” Hermione said as she gave him another hug and a kiss.
“Three days in London is bad enough, there’s no way you’re going to Canada for two weeks without me,” Harry said.
“I couldn’t stand to be away from you for that long,” Hermione said.
“You still love your parents, right?” Harry stated. “I want you to be happy.”
On the following day Kingsley Shacklebolt cornered Harry after Defense Against the Dark Arts class.
“I’ve scheduled the first S.P.E.W. meeting for tomorrow evening in my classroom,” Kingsley said. “It’s the only night this week that Hermione can be there. Tell Ernie Macmillan and Cho Chang. They’ll spread the word to the people we want to come. What spells are you going to work on?”
“We’ll start with the Petrifying and Summoning charms,” Harry said.
“Sounds like you’re starting pretty simple,” Shacklebolt said.
“Maybe,” Harry replied.
There were some students in Gryffindor who were appalled at the very idea of trying to get legislation passed that would interfere with a wizard’s right to treat his house-elves as he saw fit. Many others were simply apathetic or noncommittal. So on Wednesday evening after dinner only Harry, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Neville, Colin and Dennis left Gryffindor Tower to go to the Defense Against the Dark Arts class room for the first meeting of S.P.E.W. as an Officially Sanctioned Student Organization. They were met by Ernie Macmillan, Susan Bones, Justin Finch-Fletchley and Zacharias Smith from Hufflepuff and Cho Chang, Luna Lovegood and Terry Boot from Ravenclaw.
“Alright everybody listen up,” Harry said loudly enough to silence ongoing conversations. “This is the Society for the Protection of Elvish Welfare. Our goals are to see that Elves get treated humanely and to prepare to defend ourselves if we are attacked by Death Eaters or other wizards that don’t like us. We’ll start by voting for a President. Who’s in favor of Harry Potter stepping down as President and letting someone else do the job? Raise your hand!”
“Who’s opposed to that resolution and thinks Harry should be the President?” Hermione said. “Raise your hand! Sorry Harry, you lost the vote, you’re still the President. Nice try.”
“Alright, I’ll do it,” Harry sighed. “Next item of business is a report from Hermione on the bad conditions that elves in certain mines have to put up with.”
Hermione’s report on the mistreatment of the elves in the Malfoy Mine left the small group of students stunned. When she finished ten minutes later the group was a lot quieter than they had been before the meeting started.
“So what are we going to do about it?” Zacharias Smith asked her.
“The plan right now is to draft a manifesto of basic rights that elves deserve to have.” Hermione began. “Once we are in agreement, we will try to educate the Wizarding community about the issue and we’ll work for legislation that will force owners to treat their elves decently if they don’t do so voluntarily.”
“But we should do something now to help those poor creatures,” Cho said. “Couldn’t we take them some food and blankets and stuff?”
“Better treatment for the elves is a good idea but we really need to work for their emancipation,” Zacharias said. “Elf labor drives down the costs of goods and makes it harder for small craftsmen to make a living. Elf slavery helps to prop up the economic tyranny of the old aristocracy and inhibits the development of a small business based middle class.”
“Well, I hadn’t considered the issue from the standpoint of a small craft based business. You certainly have a good point Zacharias,” Hermione said. “But calling for the emancipation of the elves is a big step. Maybe we should start with smaller goals like making sure elves have decent food, comfortable beds and education and work towards emancipation in the long run.
“But that’s a half-way measure,” Zacharias began. “In the mean time small businesses will have to continue to compete with large factories that use slave labor. My dad makes cauldrons that are a lot better than the ones students buy at Flourish and Blott’s but no one wants to pay…”
“We need to be getting on to the next order of business, which is practicing defensive spells,” Harry interrupted.
Kingsley Shacklebolt was smiling, he seemed to be enjoying the fact that the students were really talking about elf rights.
“But we need to do something to help those poor elves in the mine!” Cho said. “I’ll volunteer to organize the collection of food, medicine, blankets and pillows if someone will volunteer to take it to the mine.”
“Going to Malfoy’s Mine could be dangerous,” Harry said dubiously.
“I’ll take the things to the mine,” Hermione said. “I know an elf that can act as a guide.”
“No, No, No!” Harry said holding his head with his hands.
It was decided that Cho, Luna, Ron and Justin would collect things for the elves that worked in the mine and that Harry and Hermione would deliver it. They also agreed that secrecy was essential. They would meet in a week to update their relief effort plans and discuss The House-Elf Bill of Rights. Once Harry had things under back control (I have things under control? HA! I had to volunteer to go to Malfoy’s Mine! Just who is in charge here?), he divided the group into pairs for dueling practice.
“We’ll start with the Petrifying Charm,” Harry said.
“That’s too easy! We’re advanced students and we did that in Dueling Club,” Zacharias protested.
“I’ll need a volunteer,” Harry said. “How about you Zach?”
Everyone was looking at Zacharias so he couldn’t very well back down.
“Put your wand on this little table Zach, next to mine, and step back five paces,” Harry instructed as he stepped away from the table. “Justin, you’ll be the referee. When Justin says go, grab your wand and petrify me.”
The duelists took their positions and looked at each other and at their wands on the small table that was in between them.
“Harry, you’re a step farther from the table than Zach,” Justin pointed out.
Harry waved his hand at Justin. “It doesn’t matter,” he said.
“Alright,” Justin said. “GO!”
Harry’s wand shot from the table to his hand and Zach was petrified before he had advanced three steps.
A gasp went through the crowd. “Way to go Harry!”
“One of the worst things that can happen in combat is losing your wand,” Harry told them. “We’re going to work on summoning tonight. It’s a simple charm, early fourth year stuff. But we’re going to do it without our wands.”
Harry unfroze Zach and they all went to work trying to make their wands roll across a table to their hands. Hermione had been practicing and could already make her wand jump into her hand from the floor at a distance of five feet so she just worked on improving her speed and distance. Kingsley Shacklebolt worked on the wandless summoning right along with the students. He was very serious and made rapid progress. Their practice time was almost up when Hermione came over to Harry and took hold of his hand.
“Accio wand,” she said.
Her wand jumped into her hand from the far corner of the classroom, a distance of more than forty feet.
“I wondered if that would work,” she said beaming.
Harry spent Thursday evening trying to study, without a lot of success. There was a crowd in the Gryffindor common room and many of the students were playing games like Gobstones, Exploding Snap and Wizard’s Chess rather than studying. It wasn’t much easier in his bedroom. Ron kept asking him which one of six very similar photos of Harry looking out the window looked more natural. It was also very tempting to pull out the Marauder’s Map.
“I am absolutely up to no good,” he said as he touched the map with his finger.
Words began to appear on the parchment.
Mr. Moony, Mr. Padfoot, Mr. Wormtail and Mr. Prongs wish a warm welcome to Mr. Harry Potter, but suggest that he try using his wand to activate the map.
“It’s not hopeless,” Ron observed. “I think I can see a faint outline of the map.”
“That alarm system is really a pain in the ass,” Harry said angrily. “It’s like they think we might start hexing our own house mates.”
“That’s a real possibility in Slytherin,” Ron said. “About a third of them sympathize with You-Know-Who. A third of them think You-Know-Who is a bit extreme. And the rest of them don’t want to make a commitment. They don’t know who to trust. Anyway I’m sure Hermione is still in the hospital.”
“Yes, but where’s Malfoy?” Harry asked.
“Why don’t you try to activate the map with a bamboo wand,” Ron suggested. “We’ve got one that’s not loaded with spells and Fred and George rated it as one in one-hundred.”
To Harry’s surprise, the bamboo wand worked. The Marauder’s Map appeared in all of its glory on the parchment. It was like seeing an old friend. Harry immediately looked at the hospital wing of the castle. There were two patients and Madam Pomfrey. Hermione wasn’t there.