The Moment That Was Not
The victory party was in full swing in the Gryffindor common room. Thanks to Ron’s brilliant goal keeping and Harry catching the Snitch, they had decisively won the opening Quidditch match against Slytherin. Harry felt a swooping sensation in his stomach as Ginny patted him on the arm in congratulations, but then she walked off to help herself to more butterbeer. Harry had a silly grin on his face as he watched Ginny walk away. He looked over at Ron and saw that he was wrapped up in some serious kissing with Lavender Brown so he turned and looked around for Hermione. With a sinking feeling, he thought he saw a mane of bushy brown hair whipping out of sight as the portrait hole was closing.
He darted forward, sidestepped Romilda Vane again, and pushed open the portrait of the Fat Lady. The corridor outside seemed to be deserted.
“Hermione?”
He found her in the first unlocked classroom he tried. She was sitting on the teacher’s desk, alone except for a small ring of twittering yellow birds circling her head, which she had clearly just conjured out of midair. Harry could not help admiring her spellwork at a time like this.
“Oh, hello, Harry,” she said in a brittle voice. “I was just practicing.”
“Yeah…they’re “ er “ really good…”said Harry.
He had no idea what to say to her. He was just wondering whether there was any chance that she had not noticed Ron, that she had merely left the room because the party was a little too rowdy, when she said, in an unnaturally high pitched voice, “Ron seems to be enjoying the celebrations.”
“Er…does he?” said Harry.
“Don’t pretend you didn’t see him,” said Hermione. “He wasn’t exactly hiding it, was -?”
The door behind them burst open. To Harry’s horror, Ron came in, laughing, pulling Lavender by the hand.
“Oh” he said drawing up short at the sight of Harry and Hermione.
“Oops!” said Lavender, and she backed out of the room giggling pulling Ron with her. The door swung shut behind them.
There was a long and awkward period of silence.
“Like I said, Ron’s enjoying the celebration,” Hermione said.
“Ron’s being a bit of a jerk,” Harry said.
“He’s just being Ron,” Hermione said sarcastically. “What else is new?”
There was another long and awkward silence. Harry watched the birds flittering around Hermione as he wondered what to say.
“Your birds are really good,” Harry said lamely.
“Genero arbor,” Hermione said with a wave of her wand.
Instantly an oak tree appeared in the middle of the classroom. With another wave of her wand, Hermione released the birds from their circling flight and sent them to rest in the leafy branches of the tree.
“You really are the best witch in our class,” Harry said in awe.
“Thank you,” she said quickly in that high pitched voice that sounded like she was ready to cry.
There was another long and awkward pause. The silence was broken when the birds began chirping. Their song was quite pretty and Harry smiled. He looked at Hermione but her face looked very cold, like it had been carved out of stone. Harry suddenly wasn’t sure weather the beautiful singing of the birds made things better or worse.
“You were crying after the Quidditch match,” Harry said haltingly. “I thought you might be upset.”
“I am upset,” Hermione said in that distressed higher than normal pitch.
“Ron and Lavender…” Harry stammered. “I don’t know what to say…”
“What’s there to say? They were looking for a quiet spot to snog each other,” Hermione said looking at the birds in the tree as her eyes filled with tears. “That’s better than them kissing in the common room. Public displays of affection are against the rules. And Ron should know that.”
“I don’t think it’ll last long,” Harry said hopefully. “Ron will come to his senses, then you and him…”
“I hope Ron treats Lavender right,” Hermione said flatly. “She can be a nice girl, sometimes.”
“I thought you were upset about Ron kissing Lavender,” Harry said in quiet confusion.
“I don’t care about Ron kissing Lavender!” she said forcefully. “I was upset before the Quidditch match,” Hermione snapped at him.
“I thought Ron was interested in dating you,” Harry said. “I thought that you and Ron…”
“Oh Harry, I don’t have time for romance. With Voldemort out there killing people, it’s so important that I learn as much as I can about magic as quickly as possible,” she said. “That’s why I’m taking so many classes. I don’t know what might be needed.”
“You don’t want Ron to be your boyfriend?” Harry asked in disbelief.
“Sometimes I think he’s attracted to me in more than a friendly way,” Hermione admitted, “though I can’t imagine that he could think I’m pretty.”
“He might think you’re pretty,” Harry said looking down.
“If I had time for a boyfriend, Ron wouldn’t be my first choice,” Hermione said studying her birds. “He can be insensitive. He should not play with fanged Frisbees when I confiscate them. He should not push younger kids out of the good chairs. And he should have done more to protect me from that telescope of Fred and George’s.”
“No one’s perfect,” Harry said.
“I don’t think Ron appreciates my academic achievements” Hermione said. “I think he’s jealous that you and I and Ginny are invited to Slughorn’s parties while he’s left out. Ron doesn’t understand what it’s like for me, why I have to study so hard. He doesn’t understand what it’s like being a… a mudblood.”
“Ron would never call you that,” Harry said.
“Of course he wouldn’t! But it’s still hard for me to fit in, in a way that Ron can’t understand,” Hermione said. “I have to get good grades or they’ll say that I don’t belong here. Ron and I really have very little in common, except for being friends with you.”
“You’re not jealous of Lavender?”
“I don’t care who Ron kisses,” she said. “If I was jealous of Lavender I could make all of these birds attack her. Haven’t you ever seen two young witches fight over a boy?”
“But, you said you were going to invite him to Slughorn’s Christmas party,” Harry said in confusion.
“I said I was going to invite him to the Christmas party. But that was only after he started teasing me about going with McLaggen,” she explained. “I shouldn’t have said it. I was just being mean. But he made me angry by talking about me hooking up with McLaggen.
“You Confunded McLaggen so Ron could stay on the team,” Harry pointed out.
“I Confunded McLaggen so you wouldn’t have to cut Ron from the team. He might have stopped being your best friend,” she said. “Anyway you really don’t want McLaggen on the team. I don’t know much about Quidditch but … McLaggen is an ass.”
“You kissed Ron before the Quidditch game last year,” Harry argued.
“I kissed you too Harry, but you didn’t seem to notice,” she said quietly. “Did you see the look of surprise on Ron’s face? That should have told you there was nothing going on between Ron and me. We spent a lot of time together last year… over the summer… Prefect patrols… while you were in detention for weeks at a time and that horrible woman tortured you.” She paused and took a deep breath. “If I was interested in Ron we would have been snogging each other. There were a lot of opportunities, but nothing like that ever happened.”
“You’re always arguing with Ron. Doesn’t that mean you like him?”
“No Harry! That is so immature” she stated emphatically. “People who care about each other don’t want to hurt each other. I don’t want to fight with Ron but he can be so irritating.”
“If you’re not jealous about Lavender, why are you upset at Ron?” Harry asked.
“Ron was a bit of a jerk today… but… I’m not upset… at Ron,” her voice cracked as she answered.
“Then…you’re upset…at me?” Harry said haltingly.
“I am very angry at you, Harry Potter. Do you know what you did to me?” Hermione said as tears formed in her eyes. “YOU USED ME!” she shouted. “You let me think you had given Ron Felix Felicis! You let me think you had broken the law! I was upset all through the Quidditch match! And it wasn’t because Ron said ’stop bossing me around’ before the game.
“I had to convince Ron that he could play a good game,” Harry said defensively. “Ron didn’t need Felix Felicis, he just needed confidence.”
“What you did today was brilliant!” Hermione said loudly. “Your cleverness impresses me. It worked great for Ron. But… YOU FOOLED ME!” she cried. “And you let me worry for hours!”
“You worried?” Harry said.
“I was so scared!” she cried. “I was afraid you would get caught and expelled.”
“But I didn’t give Ron the potion,” Harry reasoned.
“I DIDN”T KNOW THAT!” she shouted. “Every time Ron saved a goal I worried that Professor Snape would protest. I thought that he would demand that Ron submit to a blood test. Surely Professor Snape knows that you won the bottle of Felix Felicis. Professor Slughorn, or Draco Malfoy, or any one of the other Slytherin students could have told him. Every time you made a sudden turn… or a roll… or a loop… I worried that the bottle would fall out of your pocket! Every time a Slytherin player… or a Bludger… came close to you… I prayed you wouldn’t be hospitalized… because they’d find that bottle! I thought you were risking your life for the sake of a stupid Quidditch match.”
“Quidditch isn’t stupid and I wasn’t risking my life!” Harry stated angrily.
“Oh, if you lost a Quidditch game you’d be disappointed,” she said bitterly, “but you’d get over it. And I thought you were risking your life!” she continued passionately. “Risking expulsion is the same thing. Voldemort wants to kill you! He’s just out there,” she said pointing at a window. “He’s somewhere beyond the gates of Hogwarts, and he’s looking for a chance to murder you.”
Her tears were flowing freely now.
“Are you ready to fight Lord Voldemort today?” Hermione said shaking. Do you think you can beat all of his Death Eaters… and his Dementors… and his Giants… and his Werewolves… and his Inferi? If you get kicked out of Hogwarts you’d be in terrible danger. How do you think I’d feel about that? Don’t you care how I feel?”
Harry was stunned. He hadn’t thought a bit about Hermione during the Quidditch game.
“I care about how you feel!” Harry said defensively. “You’re one of my best friends. I didn’t know you would worry so much.”
But deep inside of Harry’s mind there was a part of him that did know she would worry like that. There was a part of him that wanted to hurt her and drive her away. Sirius had died because he hadn’t listened to her. Harry was angry at Hermione because she had been right about going to the Ministry of Magic. But there was another part of him that couldn’t bear to see her cry.
She sat quietly, breathing slowly and deeply.
“I’m sorry,” Harry finally said.
She sighed.
“It’s alright,” she said softly. “Sometimes I think too much.”
There was another long silence. Hermione waved her wand and made the tree and the birds vanish.
“I thought you wanted Ron to be your boyfriend,” Harry said.
“I told you Harry,” she said, “right now I don’t have time for a boyfriend. But if I did, I think I would prefer a boyfriend who is very brave… and very talented at fighting the dark arts… and who doesn’t need to be tricked into believing he has been given Lucky Potion in order to play a good game of Quidditch.”
“A guy like Victor Krum?” Harry asked.
Hermione rolled her eyes and sighed very deeply. “Yes Harry, a guy like Victor Krum…or someone who can beat him.”