I'm a ravenclaw!
After both had finished sorting through their feelings for one another they moved closer.
Severus spoke in an irate tone, “I will never, ever, allow someone to possess my mind again. I will conquer this newly found discipline and I will be able to protect…”
“Who will you protect? Me? It is a bit late for that now, isn’t it?” She fell down on the grass and sobbed. “I thought you loved me.”
“I do, truly I do,” he begged her, trying to get closer but she wouldn’t allow it.
“So why did you do this to my son? My only son! You don’t do that to someone’s child, let alone my child.” Her breathing was heavy and laboured. She wanted to get back home and tell her husband about this and hold her baby in her arms. Hold him so close and inhale the scent of baby powder and fresh soap.
“I didn’t know it was Harry at the time. I’m sorry,” he replied, putting a hand on her shoulder. She flinched and quickly pushed him away.
“I don’t believe you. You have always hated James and when you found out I was pregnant you hated my child as well. You hate Harry, I know you do, because he is James’ son,” she spat out.
Severus knew it was true. He knew that all he felt for her son was spite. To him Harry was the manifestation of Lily’s betrayal. Thinking of him only made Severus think of what he could have had if Lily had chosen him. She’d assumed though that he wasn’t the marrying type. She’d presumed that what they felt for each other whilst in Hogwarts would fade as they grew into adulthood. She was wrong and Severus hoped that Lily regretted her decision.
Lily suddenly felt sick. She had trusted Severus for many years, despite the dangers of being with a man like him. She had still met up with him whilst courting James and trusted that he would remain discreet. He had been, for all this time, until now. His betrayal hadn’t sunk in at first; in her mind she had kept making excuses to justify it. But it was beginning to dawn on her, her mind swimming with disbelief and her body growing weak with nausea, he had betrayed her. Had he ever loved her?
“I don’t hate Harry,” he replied softly. “I just hate what he represents. Every time I bring myself to think about him I get this bitter taste in my mouth and a sour feeling in my gut. If Harry hadn’t been born, you would consider leaving Potter, and if you left Potter then you would come to live with me. I would be able to take care of you, like I’ve always wanted to.” He gazed into her eyes, delving into the deep emerald colour that shimmered in the moonlight.
She fired back a look of malice. “You could never protect me. You are a Death Eater.”
“I would never have become one if it weren’t for you - if you hadn’t chosen to marry Potter,” he fired back.
“You were already travelling down the path of the dark arts; I know the type of books you read. Don’t blame the choices you have made on me, they are yours and yours only,” Lily snorted, her face indignant and flushed. “I couldn’t marry you because of the choices you made. You know I could never marry a Death Eater. It goes against everything I believe.”
“You believe in me, don’t you? Why can’t you see me for who I am, not what I am?” he cried.
“I do Severus, can’t you tell? I see you and I accept you. Why else would I be coming here every week in the dead of night, spending hours away from my family and betraying my husband?”
“You betray me every time you are with Potter, not the reverse. You betrayed me when you chose him as a husband and again when you chose him as the father of your son,” he screamed, his voice laced with pain.
“Is this your revenge then, Severus? You have my son turned over to your master and hope that James dies along with him!” she fired back, her voice smothered with hatred.
“No! Unlike you Lily, I would never purposely betray the one I love. I didn’t know it was Harry, I barely had chance to think about the Prophecy before I was summoned.”
“Liar!” she hissed.
“Fine, I’m a liar. Believe that if it makes you feel better.”
Severus sat down underneath the protection of the willow tree. He rested his head against the rough bark, feeling the textured surface graze against his scalp. The wind howled, speaking words of warning about the dangers ahead. After a while Lily moved closer to him, pondering whether to forgive him or to let him suffer. She yearned to be close to him, to snuggle up beside him as she’d hoped to do that night. She wanted to yell at him. So many things she wished to scream out, but most of them were lost.
“I love you,” she whispered as she nuzzled in next to him. He stroked her hair with smooth and assured motion. “But I love James too. I had to make a decision and I was selfish when I made it. I wanted a safe man, one I could bring home and show my parents and even my obnoxious sister. One who would give me everything I ever wanted. Oh Severus “ I forgot the most important thing when I decided to marry James. I forgot you.”
~*~
The Wedding Day of James and Lily Potter.
A small piece of wafer-thin confetti landed on Severus’ shoulder. With a flick of his hair, he brushed it off. He crouched behind a gravestone, watching events unfold. The church bells were ringing a familiar sequence and the guests began leaving the church. Severus watched as the bride came out, holding a bouquet of white lilies in one hand, clutching her new husband’s hand with the other. Her smile shined clearly in the sunlight, her golden-brown ringlets fluttering in the wind.
Severus felt disgusted. How could she be happy standing beside that chauvinistic pig? James’s arm slipped snugly into place on her backside whilst he flashed a slimy grin at his friends. He treated Lily like a trophy, a prize he had won in a competition. Severus felt the sharp pang of failure at coming second place. Rage building up inside, Severus continued to watch her. She turned her head and gazed in the direction of the graveyard, looking at the blossom on the trees. Transfixed by her beauty, he continued to glare, but she looked straight through him. Behind her, James had sauntered off to speak to Sirius. They whispered in each other’s ear, Severus had no doubt that they were making crude jokes about the young bride.
Unknown to anyone else around, a Death Eater apparated inside the church boundaries. Keeping a distance from Severus the cloaked man focused on the back of his head, underneath the unkempt hair. He opened up a window to his mind. His target was too focused on the wedding to notice the invasion. A dizzy sensation was felt, which he associated with his broken heart.
“She doesn’t need you,” the voice said, cold and empty. “She chose Potter. She’d prefer to watch him play Quidditch and support him becoming an Auror, whilst letting her own abilities go to ruin.”
Severus gritted his teeth in anger, how could she let her talents go to waste? He had stretched her abilities, nurtured her gift and made her a proud witch. Why now, is she allowing her spirit to be squashed by one man’s arrogance?
“I know someone who needs you, though. My master needs your talent,” continued the voice, in a more persuasive tone. “He wants you to show him your ability at potion-making and the new skills you’ve acquired. We know that during your time at Hogwarts you made many discoveries; you used to record them in one of your textbooks. You would show Lily during your Potion lessons and she pretended to care. Show us your discoveries, Severus, they matter to us.”
Severus wasn’t scared of the voice because it spoke words that were already in his mind. He was being offered an alterative, a new pathway to life when before he’d reached a brick wall. He wanted to belong to something, to feel needed. He’d been searching for a purpose in life, a valuable reason for being a wizard and this, he felt, was what he’d been waiting for. He’d once thought it was a life with Lily and held back his desire to join the Death Eaters for her sake. Now, however, he knew that destiny had planned this for him all along.
The Death Eater walked out of the shadow and across to Severus. “It is time to join us, brother.”
~*~
The sun began to rise, peeping up in the horizon with a coarse red line that penetrated across the meadow. The sun announced another day, revealing the sinful couple lying together underneath the willow tree. Both were aware that this was the signal to leave but they craved another hour more.
She broke away from him, her face blanched still, but her lips regaining some colour due to the morning air. “I betrayed you,” she uttered.
His solemn eyes rested on her, softened now. He longed to forgive her, after all this time. “I don’t blame you anymore. You returned to me and never did forsake me.” He rested his own parched lips on her fragile blue ones; they hovered still together, touching only slightly. Gradually she thawed out. The sun hit her white flesh and smothered her with warmth. She snuggled further under Severus’s outdoor cloak, which wrapped around them both.
“I thought you were a Death Eater. I assumed you had joined at the same time as the other Slytherins. Why didn’t you tell me?” Her voice was plagued with pain.
“You didn’t ask and I was too stubborn to correct your presumption. I regret not saying now.” He kissed her quickly on the top of her forehead. He then asked a question that he had wanted to ask for a quite while. “Why did you come back?”
“I couldn’t spend another day without you. I didn’t want to be unfaithful but I didn’t want to betray my heart either.” A shadow from the new light was cast across her face. Surrounded by grey shadows, they both realised that it was too late to go back.
“I don’t want to leave,” she whispered, the words drifting up into the air and were easily lost in the delicacy of the morning.
“You must go and then you must return. Bring Harry with you; I know somewhere you can both go. Somewhere the Dark Lord would never think of searching,” Severus spoke with determination. He was not going to allow anything to harm her. She’d not married him because she’d presumed he couldn’t protect her and now he would prove her wrong.
“I can’t leave James,” she whimpered. Severus felt a pang of anger but he willed himself to be patient. “I made my vows Severus, till death do us part.”
“Then let death take you,” he spat out, his patience lost completely. “Let my soul be severed, let it be damned for ever pursuing you, Lily! I cannot live without my life; you are my life. You believe my loyalties lie with the Dark Lord? I tell you in truth, I would much rather die by his hand than have you experience a hint of his wrath.”
Lily let tears rush down her face; shamefully she buried herself into his cloak. With the cloth pressed against her mouth, she murmured her reply. “Who will protect you, Severus? When I go missing, James will have his friends from the Order of the Phoenix search for me. He won’t think of finding you at first but after a while he will turn his attentions your way. He knows you had an obsession with me in Hogwarts; he knows you harboured feelings. He will have you sent to Azkaban. What is my alternative if I come with you? We will be on the run or in hiding all our lives. Harry doesn’t deserve that.”
“You will be in hiding if you return to Potter; you will be hiding from the Dark Lord while ever he is at large. You will never see me, it won’t be safe for us to meet and it is unlikely that Potter will allow you out of his sight,” with malice he continued, “he’ll want to protect you.”
“I choose James,” she stuttered. “I know the Dark Lord may show him mercy, should he protect me and Harry. He will not show you mercy, as you would be betraying him.”
“The Dark Lord shows mercy to no one, if you stand up to him you will die.” He gave her a grave look, his features no longer soft. She looked back confused, her face now glowing red. She was a sorrowful sight, a woman who couldn’t make a decision. She shuddered a little in the breeze and wished she could escape this cruel choice.
“I have to go now.” She picked herself up and began walking. Severus followed her, keeping a distance away.
At the end of the meadow stood a row of red poppies, each lined up in a regimented order. They spilt out crimson against the luscious green. They were not swaying in the wind but instead remained lifeless. Lily stopped before the line of red, knowing that once she crossed it she would never see her love again. She would be walking away from the safety of the meadow, walking into a world full of danger, treachery and death. She gazed at Severus and knew that he was everything. She knew that whilst ever she remained near him she would be safe.
“Don’t make me stand by your grave, Lily.” One tear fell from his eye, the salted poison burning his flesh.
She ran to him. Intertwined together, their hearts beat in rhythm and they thought the same thought and wished the same dream. They both wanted the other to survive.
Birds were singing love songs and sweeping over their heads and a rabbit ran across their way, hopping over their feet with energy. But cars were heard in the distance and voices shouting from the nearby village. A clock sounded seven slow thuds.
Both knew that their time together was over.
Lily was the one to break their connection. She let go of him and strolled over to the poppies and she searched through them. He stood over her, savouring his last moments. Eventually she stood back up. In her hand was a small flower, he gazed at it, feeling his heart ache. It was a white poppy, so rare in England and so precious. She presented it to him as more than a token.
“You say our souls are made of the same substance.” She hesitated and sniffed back a tear. She then raised her wand, hovered it over the poppy. It radiated a pure white colour, falling gracefully on the poppy. “Here is my half.”
She offered up the poppy to him. He didn’t take it.
“Don’t you dare sacrifice yourself! If he wants Harry dead, then he will stop ant nothing. He won’t care whether the mother lives. You are the most important being on this earth and I won’t smile again until I see your face.” He ran a hand through her hair and sobbed silently.
“I have to fulfill my duty as a mother. Don’t stand by my grave, Severus, because you will be standing by your own. Take the job at Hogwarts, Dumbledore is a just man, and live your life. Don’t live it for me or anyone else, live it for yourself.”
She offered up the poppy to him. This time he received it.
Severus stood with his toes touching the petals of poppies. Mustering up true bravery, Lily stepped over them. After a final kiss blown into the air, she left him standing alone.
Thank you to chances and 3secondfish for being my Beta's.