Lily woke up in a bed that wasn’t her own. She didn’t immediately open her eyes but tried to remember where she was. After a few moments of waiting in darkness, the light outside pressing on her eyelids, she realised what was going on and smiled slightly before noticing that there was a scuffling, whispering noise outside the door. The creak of old hinges followed and she opened her eyes to see the summer sunlight filtering through the thin curtains and diluting the dimness in the room. Lily didn’t turn around to face the door and the source of the hushed voices that broke the silence in the room.
“I told you they wouldn’t be awake.”
“Nah, she’ll be happy to see me.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure…”
“Don’t wake them up!”
“Why not?”
“Lily’s going to kill you…”
Lily turned towards them slowly.
“Well, you’re lucky that Lily’s already awake,” she said, quietly.
The four boys were crowded in the doorway, peering into the room. James, whose hair was ruffled more than usual, was wearing a baggy, black Tornados t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms. He grinned sheepishly at her.
“Morning,” he said, happily, stepping nimbly over Neala, who was stirring on the mattress on the floor, and arriving at the edge of Lily’s bed. “Sleep well?”
“Yeah, not too bad,” she replied, rolling onto her back and stretching. “You?”
“Great,” he said. “Can I join you in there?”
Lily was taken aback. She eyed him warily.
“No,” said James, quickly, trying to ignore the sniggers from Sirius behind him, “I didn’t mean…not to…just to “ oh, shut up!” he said, as Sirius collapsed into hysterics in the doorway. “I only meant that it’s cold out here!”
Lily grinned.
“I know what you mean,” she said. “Get in…but no funny business.”
It was James’ turn to grin. He carefully peeled back the covers and slipped in next to her, depressing the mattress slightly. Lily could feel the comforting warmth of his body through the thin t-shirt as he raised his arm for her to move closer. She tentively rested her head on his chest and yawned.
Neala had woken up and was sitting up, rubbing her face and looking confused.
“Why is everyone in here?” she asked, groggily.
“We just wanted to wake you up with a greeting from your favourite people,” said Sirius, cheerfully. He flopped onto her legs, making her sit up suddenly and groan.
“Why couldn’t you have been the sensitive and romantic one?” she said, grouchily, putting her hand to her forehead. Sirius laughed.
“James? Sensitive and romantic?” he asked, smiling. “Nah, he just wants to get into Lily’s knickers…”
Lily felt James’ chest vibrate as he chuckled gently, his hand lightly stroking her hair. Remus stepped into the room, over Neala, and made his way over to the bed where he settled himself on Lily’s feet. Peter was still hovering in the doorway, looking anxious.
“Oi, Wormtail,” said Sirius, wriggling on Neala’s legs and making her squirm, “get in or get lost.”
Peter, who was wearing a pair of red, tartan pyjamas that were about six sizes too small, nervously shut the door, glancing out into the corridor as he did so. He edged his way over to the chair in the corner and perched, awkwardly, watching the others.
“So,” said Lily, shifting her head slightly so she could see James’ face, “what are we doing today?”
“Well, I thought that after breakfast we could go down to the village and see if there’s anything going on “”
“There won’t be,” interrupted Sirius, dully.
“I’m sure it’ll be great,” Neala said, punching him gently from her position of being propped up on her elbows.
“Don’t punch me!” he said, grabbing her hand.
“I’ll punch you if I want -”
“Oi, I said don’t punch me-”
“And I said, I’ll punch you if I-”
Before she could finish, Sirius began tickling her mercilessly, causing Neala to shriek loudly with laughter.
“Don’t get any ideas,” said Lily. James just squeezed her a little tighter and Lily’s insides glowed.
Neala was still thrashing around in her bed and screaming under Sirius’ playful attack. It was then that Mrs Potter’s head appeared round the door, already dressed. Her eyes fell upon the scene and widened in shock at the sight of Sirius sitting on top of Neala and her son in the same bed as Lily.
“Boys!” she shouted. “Get out of the girls’ room at once! What do you think you’re doing?!”
Sirius quickly got off Neala, looking as though he was trying to conceal a grin, and James, with a swift and subtle kiss on Lily’s head, carefully detached himself from the twisted sheets. They traipsed out, followed by Remus and Peter who had squeaked in distress when he had heard Mrs Potter’s horrified tones.
“Honestly, coming into the girls’ room in the morning and…invading! I don’t know…” she muttered, as the left the room. “Sorry, girls, breakfast will be in twenty minutes…”
The door swung shut and they heard James’ mother mumbling away and she wandered down the corridor. The girls glanced at each other and grinned.
*
“Pass the jam,” said Peter, thickly, spraying crumbs all over the table. Lily looked at him with disgust as James reached across the table for the jar. Remus was quietly chewing his toast and Neala had dived onto the floor after dropping her knife.
“Juice! Juice! Who wants the juice?!” called Sirius, trying to carry six glasses at once and successfully spilling a fair amount of orange juice over the table and the food upon it as he put them down. “Whoops! Sorry about that…”
There was a mad flurry of movement as the group lifted plates, napkins, glasses and cutlery out of the way of the seeping yellow liquid. Sirius tried to rectify the situation by wiping it up with a tea towel but only succeeded in covering the cloth with butter. Lily groaned, toast rack in one hand, and pushed Sirius back down into his chair, taking over. Mrs Potter entered the kitchen, the breakfast table was completely back in order.
“Morning, Mum,” said James, happily. He noticed that her makeup didn’t seem to have been removed since the previous night and she had dark shadows under her eyes. A few stray strands of hair were trailing down her neck, fallen from their pinned position. He glanced at his friends who were all happily and obliviously eating. “Are you all right?”
“Oh,” she said, surprised, “yes, yes…um…I’ve just been waiting for your dad…I think he must have been held up…at the office…”
“All night?” asked James, suspiciously.
“Yes…he works very hard…”she said, distractedly. “Look, love, don’t fret…get back to your breakfast…”
His mother wandered out of the kitchen, twisting her hands. James shrugged and focused on his breakfast, listening to Lily ask Sirius what there was in the village.
“Well,” he said, in mock contemplation, “there’s a post box…a few rocks…bit of a grass…old lady on a bicycle, if you’re lucky…”
At that moment, a sudden unfamiliar wave of heat hit the back of James’ neck. He turned swiftly in his seat to see the fireplace illuminated by brilliant green flames and the figure of a tall, thin man in deep blue robes that fanned out as he revolved on the hearth. Stepping quickly out of the fireplace, the individual looked around distractedly.
“Dad!” cried James.
“Abigail!” he called. “Abigail, has the paper arrived?!”
There was a loud shuffling somewhere outside in the hall and the door swung open.
“Oh, George!” gushed Mrs Potter, rushing in and showering her husband with kisses. “I was so worried! Where were you?! Why didn’t you send an owl?!” Her tone suddenly changed. “Yes, actually, why didn’t you send an owl?!” She reached up and swiftly hit him around the back of the head.
“Ouch, Abigail-”
“For all I know, you could have been dead and you didn’t think to tell me where-”
“Abigail,” interrupted Mr Potter, who was looking very place. “Have you seen the paper?!”
“The paper?! The paper?! What on earth would I want with the paper?!” she cried. “What I want is an explanation! Now, are you going to tell me what happened that cause you stay out all night without telling me where you were?!”
Mr Potter glanced around the room, looking surprised, as though he had only just noticed that the teenagers, who had all stopped eating, were there.
“In the drawing room,” he said, ushering his wife out of the kitchen as she muttered angrily.
The group was left sitting in confused and slightly awkward silence. Peter looking petrified and had frozen, his toast halfway to his mouth.
“Um,” said James, running a hand through his hair, “sorry about that…”
“James?” asked Lily, slowly. “What exactly is it that your dad does?” She glanced at Neala.
“Um,” said James, who had become aware of the stuffy summer air in the kitchen, tried to concentrate, “he works for the Ministry. Auror department, I think…”
“Oh,” said Lily. Neala coughed loudly.
“So it could have something to do with that Lord Voldemort?” she asked, glancing at Lily.
“Who?” asked James, still a little bemused. “That guy in the papers?”
“Yeah.”
“I, er, I don’t know. Why?”
“Oh, no reason. It’s just that Lily and I-”
“Wouldn’t anyone like more juice?” asked Lily, loudly, thrusting the jug into the centre of the table.
There was a pause. The only sound was Peter, who had gone back to his breakfast, eating his toast loudly. He didn’t seem to be aware that anything out of the ordinary had happened.
“Nell…” said James, slowly, “Lily…are you going to tell us what this big secret you’re obviously trying to hide is?”
“What secret?’ asked Lily, quickly, avoiding his gaze. “I don’t know about any secret. No more juice, anyone? Right, well if we’re all finished why don’t we go to the village?”
She pushed back her chair and took her plate over to the sink. James exchanged suspicious looks with the others but they followed her lead and were soon out in the hall, front door open, ready to leave. As they began to spill out into the drive there was a loud cough from Remus.
“Um,” he said, quietly, “I have a feeling we’ve forgotten something…” He jerked his head towards the kitchen door.
James doubled back and looked into the large room. Peter was still sitting at the table in the middle of the kitchen, finishing off the toast and jam, blissfully unaware that he was now alone.
“Oi,” said James, loudly. Peter jumped and stared around wildly, noticing that there was no longer anyone there. He looked up at James. “Now would be a good time for you to come with us seeing as we’re the only friends you’ve got…”
Peter laughed nervously and wiped his hands on his shorts.
“That wasn’t a joke.”
*
“And one of these…” said Neala, picking up a postcard of a green meadow with a solitary cow in the centre. “Oh, and these…” She had moved onto the magazine racks. “Hm, what’s this one about?” She thrust a pregnancy magazine under Lily’s nose.
“Um, that’s about giving birth,” she said, quietly, putting it back on the shelf for her. “And keep your voice down. The shopkeeper’s giving us funny looks.”
“Sorry,” whispered Neala, dramatically. “What about this one?”
“Cars,” said Lily, simply.
“Cars?!” said Neala, loudly, forgetting her attempt at being inconspicuous. “I’ve never seen the point of them when you can apparate. Or fly.”
“Shut. Up,” hissed Lily, through gritted teeth, but Neala had already moved onto a new magazine.
“This one?”
She was holding a thin magazine with a picture of a very voluptuous blonde on the front. She wasn’t wearing very much.
“Um, Neala,” said Lily, quickly, stuffing the magazine back onto the shelf, “I think that now would be a good time to pay…”
They left the small post office and were about to cross over the green to meet the boys when Neala let out an ‘ooh’ of interest. She was staring into the window of an old fashioned bicycle shop where the latest vehicles were displayed in the front. Lily sighed exasperatedly. She thought that taking Muggle Studies would have calmed Neala down but apparently there was nothing like witnessing the Muggle world first hand. She looked across the green for the boys and saw them standing next to a glass bus shelter but there were two more people than there should have been. She squinted in their direction and saw two girls, one blonde, one brunette, standing with the boys. James was leaning against the shelter and laughing, running a hand through his hair. Something in Lily’s stomach dropped a little. Don’t be stupid, she thought, he’s just talking and you’re just jealous. She took Neala’s arm and gently dragged her away from the bicycle shop window as they began to cross the green.
“Lily,” said Neala, excitedly, “can we ask James if he has any bi-cy-cles at his house?”
“Sure,” replied Lily, chewing her lip.
They reached the group and Lily let go of Neala, stepping forward slightly.
“Hi, guys,” she said, trying to sound casual.
“Oh, hey,” James said, looking a little taken aback to see her there. “Get what you needed?”
“Yeah,” she replied. There was a short silence while she waited to be introduced.
“Oh, sorry,” said James, quickly. “This is Elly and Becky.” He gestured to the girls who smiled coyly at her. “This is Lily.”
Lily nodded at them.
“Oh, and that’s Neala, Sirius’ girlfriend.”
Neala, who generally turned plenty of heads wherever she went and was far prettier than either of the Muggle girls, was gabbling to Sirius about the bicycle shop. He seemed perfectly happy to let them know that he was dating this girl unlike James who had managed to conceal the fact Lily had anything to do with him. He had returned to talking to the girls and Lily was left on the outside without another thought. Peter was slumped in the bus shelter, picking at his arm, and Remus was looking out over the village. She wandered past him.
“All right, Lil?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’m great, thanks,” she answered, tossing her hair out of her face and folding her arms as she sat down next to Peter.
It was unbearably hot under the glass of the bus shelter but Lily sat there for ten minutes until James decided he was ready to leave. He sidled up to her.
“You ready to go home for lunch?” he asked, rolling his sleeves up.
“Yes, actually, I’ve been ready for ages,” she said, getting up and beginning to walk down the country lane. The others followed, ambling along in the early afternoon sunshine.
“Oh, you always get grouchy when you’re hungry,” said James, chuckling, moving towards her and trying to drape his arm over her shoulder. She shrugged him off. “See?”
“James, I’m not in the mood,” she muttered, stepping away from him. James sighed and fell back to walk with Sirius and Neala. Lily spent the rest of the walk staring at the dusty road beneath her feet and staying silent, not that anyone tried to talk to her; they were pretty good at recognising when something was wrong.
They arrived back at the house and Lily immediately busied herself with laying the table and preparing lunch, not joining in with the boys’ playful tea-towel fight and their lazy discussion over what to drink and what potato filling to have.
“What do you want, Lily?” called James from the other side of the kitchen.
“Oh, anything,” she replied, without looking at him. She did see, however, out of the corner of her eye, James shrug before turning back to pour a glass of pumpkin juice. When they sat down to lunch, she ate her jacket potato and didn’t contribute much to the aggravated discussion of Severus Snape and how much they would all like him to crawl away somewhere and die. Lily was aware that James was watching her, realising that she was, genuinely, upset. His eyes upon her made her feel stupid and naïve despite the fact that she normally revelled in being the object of his gaze. She knew that she was being pretty unreasonable but the fact that he had put his own image in front of her had not only made her angry but it had hurt her too. Maybe it was that she wasn’t used to him putting others, including himself, before her but in the village, when she’d been ignored and the two girls had received James’ attention, Lily had felt lost.
Once she had finished her lunch, she picked up her plate and put it next to the sink, excusing herself to go to the bathroom. The others barely registered what she said, far too involved in their rant about Snape and how much they loathed him.
As she left the kitchen, she heard the scrape of a chair followed by quick footsteps and the kitchen door swung open.
“Lily,” called James, finding her at the foot of the stairs, “what’s going on?”
“Oh,” she said, looking away, “I just don’t feel very well.” She began to climb the first few steps but James grabbed her arm and stopped her.
“No,” he said, seriously, “tell me what I’ve done.”
She sighed exasperatedly and pulled her arm out of his grasp, continuing up the stairs. He leapt after her, taking two steps for every one that she took.
“Lily,” he said again as she reached her bedroom door. “Lily, tell me.” He took her arm again.
“Fine. You want to know?”
“Yes!”
“Well, I didn’t really appreciate being completely ignored in front of those girls in the village.”
*
James looked at her, blankly. When did he ignore her?
“Um…I’m sorry?” he tried, tentatively.
She looked at him and he saw those green eyes flick with hurt and then anger. She opened the door to the bedroom and stormed in.
“Lily,” he said, quickly, dashing after her, “what-”
“I can’t work out who you are! One minute you’re everything and then…you completely blanked me for those girls!”
“Ok, look,” he said, slowly, ready to begin attempting to rectify the situation, “those girls “ we were just talking. It doesn’t mean anything-”
“Doesn’t mean anything?!” She was almost shouting now. “That’s exactly the problem! How do I know what means anything?! What about ‘without you I’m nothing’? Does that not mean anything?!”
“Lily, I told you that I meant that and I still do,” he said, looking into her eyes and trying to take her hand. She pulled back.
“How do I know?” she yelled. “How do I know if anything you’ve ever said is true?! I knew this would happen, I knew that you’d say anything-”
“Lily, no, it’s not like that, it’s-”
“SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! EVERY TIME YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH YOU START SPROUTING LIES AND SAYING THINGS THAT YOU DON’T EVEN MEAN AND I’M SICK OF IT, JAMES! TODAY, YOU TREATED ME LIKE I WAS SOMETHING YOU COULD JUST DISPOSE WHEN YOU FELT LIKE IT, WHEN IT SUITED YOU AND YOUR STUPID IMAGE! IF IT WERE TRUE, IF IT WERE ALL TRUE, THEN YOU’D NEVER HAVE DONE THAT, NEVER! IT’S ALL BEEN LIES, HASN’T IT?! AND DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING?! IT HURTS, JAMES. IT HURTS. I DON’T WANT IT ANY MORE. I GAVE YOU A CHANCE BUT YOU’RE STILL THE SAME ARROGANT, TWO FACED CONCEITED LIAR I MET IN FIRST YEAR AND I HATED YOU THEN AND I HATE YOU EVEN MORE BECAUSE YOU’VE JUST LIED AND LIED AND-”
Her voice broke. James didn’t want to see her cry, he didn’t want the hurt that she was shouting about to materialise in front of him along with his guilt.
“Just…just…just…”
Lily looked away from him; hair falling in front of her face like one of those heavy velvet theatre curtains. James ran a hand through his hair.
“Lily, I…I never lied…”
She drew a sharp breath and James saw something fall from behind that curtain. It dropped to the ground and made a tiny puddle on the bare floorboards. He stared at it.
That was the moment he understood how much he had hurt her. That was the moment he understood that he could never stand to see her like this again. That was the moment he understood that he would do anything, anything, to prevent her from ever feeling so much pain. That was the moment James Potter understood that he was in love with Lily Evans.
That was the moment fate had been waiting for.
Learning to Love by There you are Peter
Chapter Notes: James makes his first (or is it his final?) mistake and Lily can't take it any more. Has he ruined any chance or is this just a minor setback in their romance? It all comes out in this chapter...
(This is the PENULTIMATE chapter in Learning to Love which is so, SO exciting!)