Chapter 11
Dear Dumby,
I am in desperate need of help. I wrote to you a while ago when I was having a problem with someone who kept trying to kill me. I took your advice and, unfortunately, I found his sensitive side. But his sensitive side just does not shut up! And I somehow convinced him to give up evil overlording! It’s not even my seventh year yet!
What am I going to do? How can I get him to stop going on and on about all the hardships in his life, his plans for a gardening club and rubber ducks, and get him to go back to being a nefarious dark lord?
Fed Up of Avoiding Getting Tears of An Alleged Evil Wizard On My Robes
Dear Fed Up of Avoiding Getting Tears of An Alleged Evil Wizard On His Robes,
Oh dear. Well, even the best advice can sometimes backfire. Now, I’m not saying I gave you the best advice, as bad advice can backfire too, but the point is, sometimes things can backfire. But it usually all turns out for the best in the end. And if it doesn’t, you can always change your name and move to Canada.
To be honest, I don’t really know how to stop evil overlords who usually try to kill you but have decided to cry on you instead. Maybe you could just offer him a tissue and tell him to have some pride, for the love of Merlin!
Good Luck (it sounds like you need it!),
Dumby
Dear Dumby,
I really, really need your help. I’m so desperate I’m not even going to pretend it’s my friend. I (not my friend) wrote to you a while ago about a problem I had with this girl. And I (not my friend) followed your advice, but all it got me was being stuck in a dungeon with her, with only our toothbrushes and soapy water, and she won’t stop yelling at me!
I was really, really nice to her, I agreed with everything she said, but then she just got really mad at me! Do you think it had anything to do with the fact that I went out with her roommate? But I only did it so her roommate could make her ex-boyfriend jealous and I could make Her - her, as in my friend, jealous! Apparently the roommate got that advice from your column too…
What can I do to make her stop yelling at me (and maybe fancy me instead)?
Scared of Having Unidentified Potions Thrown At Me
Dear Scared of Having Unidentified Potions Thrown At You,
Well, even the best advice can sometimes backfire. Now, I’m not saying I gave you the best advice, as bad advice can backfire too, but the point is, sometimes things can backfire. And it sounds like this has backfired. Oh dear. Well, have you tried explaining everything to her? Or, if you can’t manage to get a word in edgeways, perhaps you could try more unorthodox methods of stopping her talking! Of course that could backfire drastically too…to be honest, I really don’t know.
Good Luck (it sounds like you need it!),
Dumby
P.S. If this advice backfires as well, I would recommend going to Madam Pomfrey so she could reverse any damage that may be inflicted on you.
Dear Dumby,
I have a huge problem. I feel like I’ve been ignored for all my time at Hogwarts! I mean, at my Sorting ceremony, my name wasn’t called out (loud enough for anyone to hear anyway), nobody cheered when I went to the Gryffindor table; no-one ever even notices me in my dormitory, let alone talks to me! In all my years at Hogwarts, I’ve never even been mentioned - not once! No-one even knows my name! It’s always about Harry, Ron and Hermione. I mean, Lavender and Parvati even get mentioned, but not me! Should I be more superficial? I don’t seem to be in any of the lessens; I didn’t seem to go to the Yule Ball. It seems like I’m not used for anything except to make up numbers (as there’s five people in the boys’ dormitory) and for an excuse for authors to invent their own characters in fan fiction when they don’t use a new/exchange student!
Please help!
Un-Named Gryffindor Girl
Dear Un-Named Gryffindor Girl,
It sounds like you are suffering from an identity crisis. Or maybe you just like the limelight a little too much and exaggerate a bit when you aren’t centre of attention? Or maybe it’s just tough luck.
Love,
Dumby
Dear Dumby,
I wrote to you a while ago about a problem I was having with a friend. Well, it seems that making him jealous didn’t really work, as he ended up going out with my roommate! Not that I care…obviously. But I know that he definitely doesn’t think of me as anything other than a friend. Well I know he won’t now, as I’ve just been informing him of my marriage plans to a boy who he’s jealous of - like you said I should. Well, either he doesn’t care or he’s going insane with jealousy right now. And I think we all know which one of those it is.
At least he doesn’t ask me for homework any more, mainly as I’m not really speaking to him (though I have been yelling at him for the last three quarters of an hour). Now, all he’s asked me is will I pass the toothbrush (don’t ask) and how many children I want to have (also don’t ask). You know, when you put it like that, it sort of sounds like we’re married. Fat chance of that ever happening though.
So what should I do now?
Tired of Losing My Voice
Dear Tired of Losing Your Voice,
Well, even the best advice can sometimes backfire. Now, I’m not saying I gave you the best advice, as bad advice can backfire too, but the point is, sometimes things can backfire. Although this still reminds me of something that I still can’t seem to quite remember!
Why not just try letting things carry on, go with the flow! Carry on screaming if you want to, or you could break down in tears, or just let him take the lead and shout something. Or you could always do what you’re meant to be doing in your detention…
Good Luck (it sounds like you need it!),
Dumby
Dear Dumby,
It just seems that lately, well, tonight, nothing is going my way! I’ve been made to relive all the ghosts and memories of my past - and it hurts! All the bad things that ever happened to me just keep resurfacing - like when I got pushed over by the lake and everyone laughed… Or when I tripped over the hem of my robes in the dungeons, as I had to buy them big so I would grow into them, and I fell into a puddle of potion and it turned my eyebrows florescent for a week! And the time when I - I asked this g - girl to pass me the liver spores, and s- she looked at me, and she s - said; urgh! Am I that repulsive? (Or was it just the liver spores?) Obviously. I’m never going to get a g - girlfriend, or any real f - friends! I want my teddy! I want Hugsy!
Miserable
Dear Miserable
I’m very sorry that you are going through an emotional breakdown right now. But I’m afraid I can’t help you. It seems that my advice has gone wrong on several occasions. Also, I’m not quite sure how to handle that. Maybe you should just take some deep breaths?
All the best,
Dumby
Dear Dumby,
I have a rather bad problem. In fact, my problem is so bad it involves even more problems than just itself. More specifically, it involves problems of all different shapes and sizes that aren't even mine (although they are now, as I foolishly got involved in them). My problem is so bad that it has got out of control, consuming other problems and leaving them all unsolved, maybe in some cases, even worse!
To get more to the point, my problem is that I tried to help others with their problems - but I seem to have only succeeded in making things worse. So far, my advice seems to have only caused anarchy, chaos and destruction - in fact, I'm not sure I can think of a single incidence in which my advice has improved the situation at all.
It also seems that a lot of the writers have not understood the full capability of my advice (although, to be honest, I'm not sure that I do either). To make matters worse, people are still writing to me for further advice, often after my previous advice failed! What should I do?
Thanks in advance,
Dumby
Dear Dumby,
I have absolutely no idea.
Yours,
Dumby
A/N I am so, so sorry for the wait, guys. I'll try not to let it happen again - I'm already working on the next chapter! But at least this one's up now! And if you have some spare time to read my other stories, I'd really appreiciate it! Thanks, and thanks for reading - hold out for the next chapter - the last chapter, hopefully coming soon!
Dear Dumby by Oppungo
Chapter Notes: Many thanks to my lovely beta, songbook99! Also, credit to HarryPotter is my LIFE for coming up with the idea to have Dumbledore write to himself!
In the final issue of Dear Dumby we hear from a few familiar faces as it seems situations have gone from bad to worse - but can Dumby help?