A/N:Thanks to my reviewers, you're all great! Special mention and credit to atkarid who came up with the idea of having a ghost write in!
Dear Dumby,
I have a really big problem, that’s actually been unresolved for a while. You see, there’s this guy that I really like, but I don’t think he like’s me as anything more than just a friend. For instance, today, I thought he was going to ask me out, but he was only asking me to help with his homework. That’s all I am to him, a study aid. You know, I don’t even know why I like him. He’s insensitive, annoying, never finishes his homework and always expects me to do it for him, argumentative (but only with me), protective, funny, sweet …what was I saying?
Oh yeah, please can you help me get him to notice me?
Thanks,
Tired of Being Ignored
Dear Tired of Being Ignored,
I’m very sorry to hear of your problems with this boy (you know, this reminds me of something…but for the love of Merlin I can’t think what). Are you certain he doesn’t like you like that?
My advice would be for you to put into play the most foolproof plan - make him jealous. It works (practically) every time! Whether it’s to make him look at you in a whole new light, force out feelings he already has or just watch his blood boil, jealousy always works! It works especially well if you put on public displays of affection with someone he dislikes right in front of him!
Hope it all works out for you!
Dumby
P.S. Please note that such actions are violating the student code of conduct in the corridor, classrooms and such places, so do expect to receive detention if you conduct yourself incorrectly (and get caught). But apart from that, good luck! (Also, you might like to bear in mind that sometimes it’s worth getting into trouble for some, more important things…? But don’t quote me on that.)
Dear Dumby,
Why do I have to write to you through this stupid thing anyway? I’m the Minister of Magic for Merlin’s sake! If I want to ask your opinion on something, I shouldn’t have to do it through one of your stupid schemes! Why can’t I just owl you normally? This is ridiculous!
Please help,
Minister of Magic
Dear Minister of Magic,
First of all, my advice for you would be not to insult someone and then ask for their help on the same piece of paper. You are not likely to get very far with that attitude! The reason that you have to write to me for help through my column is because that is what it’s there for! It’s an advice column - which people write to for advice. I have started this column, as previously mentioned, because so many people seem to need my help, I just don’t have time to help all of them individually, and you can’t have one rule for some people and a different rule for others (even if they are the Minister of Magic).
Incidentally, I’m not sure this letter had much point, as most of the things you asked I already explained on the notice. It is occurrences like this which waste my time, meaning that I cannot give my attention to people’s problems individually, which, ironically, you are complaining about.
If you would care to write back with an adequate problem, I would be happy to answer it, more than happy, if you did not insult myself or the system.
Dumby
P.S. You might want to sign your letters a tad more discreetly in future.
Dear Dumby,
I have a problem. My friend - no, leader, takes me for granted. He’s always telling me I’m studid - no, stupid. Just because I fail all my classes! The thing is, I don’t just want to be a sidekick, I wanna be a person! But he won’t listen to me, and my other friend, his other sidekick, really is studi - stupid, so he doesn’t understand what I’m talking about, and just grunts. What should I do?
Slytherin Stud’s Supporter
Dear Slytherin Stud’s Supporter,
It sound’s like you have some unresolved conflict with your “leader”. Are you sure you should even have a leader? What’s wrong with just having friends? Try standing up for yourself for once, and just get your more mentally challenged friend to nod along. Next time you’re “leader” says something you don’t agree with, tell him! Don’t worry if it doesn’t work out, you’ll find new friends, and Madam Pomfrey is very good at healing all sorts of injuries, muggle combat or magically inflicted!
Good Luck!
Dumby
Dear Dumby,
Can I have the Defence Against the Dark Arts position? Please? Pretty please? With a cherry on top? Come on, you know I can’t be any worse than any of the others - a guy with the Dark Lord on the back of his head, and wore a turban (which totally clashed with his robes), an idiot, who (now) can’t remember to pull up his own trousers, a werewolf and a lunatic Death Eater pretending to be an eccentric paranoid ex-Auror. Need I go on? So, please, please, please, please, please, can I have a go this year? I really think it’s my turn now.
Dark Arts Addict
Dear Dark Arts Addict,
If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times; No. Please, take the hint. Your time will come, don’t worry, just…I don’t know, wait for the opportune moment or something. Be happy with what you’ve got! Besides, what’ll we do with the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher we’ve already hired for this year? Feed them to ferocious creatures in the Forbidden Forest?! Why don’t you take up a new hobby - like stamp collecting? Or crossword puzzles? Or freestyle water skiing? Something to take your mind of it (as it does seem to be irritating you slightly). How about Scrabble? Everybody likes Scrabble!
I hope you do well with your chosen new venture, I’ll review your application next year if you’re still interested (but don’t count on it - er, I mean, as you may be so engrossed in your new hobby!)
Dumby
Dear Dumby,
I feel very misunderstood. I’ve been dreadfully typecast, and to be honest, the real me is nothing like what everyone imagines! Everybody presumes that just because I may look ’scary’ I must be an extremely formidable being, who should be avoided at all costs! But I shouldn’t! It’s awfully lonely being avoided. Also, people don’t take into account the fact that there isn’t a dry cleaning service for 'other beings’. And someone has to keep Peeves in line! That doesn’t make me a bad, er, being!
How can I get people to see past my frosty - no, bloody, exterior?
Misinterpreted
Dear Misinterpreted,
I’m very sorry that you feel so misunderstood and ignored. Maybe this has something to do with your general attitude towards others? Why don’t you see if you can make yourself a bit more presentable, and involve yourself in some acts of niceness that could change others’ opinion of you? Try not to be so negative, don’t reprimand others, encourage them, or you could just hand out sweets.
Good Luck!
Dumby
A/N: Sorry to The Ghoul In The Attic, I said I’d have something from Neville in this chapter, but I realised it would work much better in the next edition of Dear Dumby. So, sorry! But don’t worry, he’ll definitely be in Chapter 6!
Dear Dumby by Oppungo
Chapter Notes: In the second edition of Dear Dumby, we hear from people like Slytherin Stud's Supporter and Minister for Magic about topics such as free style water skiing and violating the student code of conduct!