A/N: Many thanks to songbook99 for betaing!!
Behind the tallest bookshelf, Harry heard the furious scratching of a quill which could only be Hermione’s. He ventured forward through the three layers of dust collecting on the shelf, and, sneezing slightly, he made his way through to Hermione, who barely glanced at him before diving her head back into her parchment.
“Hey,” greeted Harry a little uncertainly. “Um…rock cake?”
“Thanks. Been down to see Hagrid then?” Hermione asked, her head still immersed in her work. Harry thought he saw a tinge of red round her eyes, though it could have just been the dingy light in the library.
“Yeah. So, have you, um, heard about Ron?” Harry asked tentatively. An angry Hermione was not something he would wish for anyone to have to endure, except maybe Malfoy.
“Mmm-hmm,” she replied nonchalantly, although Harry noticed that the rock cake in her hand was being rapidly crushed into mulch.
“And you’re…okay with that?” he inquired timidly.
“Ok? OK?” Hermione asked, looking unusually bright-eyed. Harry ducked for cover, pulling a book from the shelf behind him and hiding behind it. “I’m fine! I’m better than fine!” Harry peeked nervously from behind the book. “I mean, why shouldn’t I be?”
“Um…” Harry started, unsure if this is one of those rhetorical questions that a person could get hit for answering. “I mean, I just thought you might, sorta, care that Ron was going out with Parvati…”
“Care?” Hermione said in an unusually high voice. “I don’t care.” Harry looked at her sceptically. “What? I didn’t stick that ’Hex Me’ sign on Parvati’s back…Alright, maybe I did!”
“I guess ‘care’ must have a different definition to what I thought then…” Harry muttered, but obviously not quietly enough as the book he was hiding behind suddenly exploded with slime…
Hermione walked down the corridor deep in thought after being thrown out of the library for ‘disturbing the peace‘. Who knew you weren’t allowed to hex people, and anything that happened to be in front of them, in the library? Hermione wondered. It’s all Ron’s fault…no, wait, it’s all Parvati’s fault!
“Hey look, it’s the Mudblood!” Hermione heard a voice from down the other end of the corridor. “Come on, Goyle, you must be able to think up an insult for that!”
“Um…” It turned out he could not, as Malfoy and Goyle walked down to her. Suddenly, Hermione was struck with an idea.
“Hey, Malfoy,” Hermione practically purred, leaning against the wall and twirling a stray strand of her hair. “Er, I mean, hey, Drac - no, there are some limits!” she cried, burying her head in her hands and virtually running away. Malfoy, meanwhile, shook his head in bewilderment.
“Those Mudbloods get stranger everyday…See, that’s what happens when you don’t insult them adequately!” Malfoy exclaimed in despair, glaring at Goyle who was completely oblivious, smiling at the shadow his shoelace made on the wall. “From now on, you can just laugh at what I say, ok?” Goyle laughed obediently. “Not now! Come on, let’s go find someone to bully,” Malfoy instructed, leading the still laughing Goyle away.
Harry was met by a myriad of bizarre people as he made his way back to the Gryffindor common room. The least of whom was Luna Lovegood, which didn’t say much, especially as she was walking down the hall with only one glove on. When Harry asked her about it, she explained that Lavender still had her other one. When he asked why, she informed him that Lavender had ’Left-Handed Lurgy’. Obviously.
“So Lavender has to do everything left-handed.”
“Er, why?” Harry asked, though he regretted it a moment after. Luna gave him a look that plainly said ’Duh’.
“Because, it’s cool!”
Harry was interrupted from his musings on this by Ginny Weasley. Or at least, he thought it was Ginny. The girl walking towards him had customized her uniform so that there were chains hanging down, somewhat resembling the Bloody Baron, and had green streaks in her flaming red hair which had been styled so wildly that, if Harry hadn’t known there was one round every corner (and that it wasn’t unusual), he’d have sworn she’d seen a ghost.
“G-Ginny?” he asked in disbelief. Harry knew it was her when he saw her familiar grin flashing up at him.
“Hey, Harry, you alright?”
“Uh - Wha - I, yeah. Um, have you, er, done something to your hair?” Ginny scowled.
Oh no, Harry thought. Was that another of those rhetorical questions that a person could get hit for answering?
“Yes. My whole image in case you hadn’t noticed. But you’d be the only one who hasn’t.”
“Oh, er, yeah, I had noticed actually,” he admitted. Ginny scowled again. “But, er, why?”
“Well, you see, Jason dumped me after Ron jumped him in the Charms corridor and presented him with the list of things he would do to him if anything happened with me. I think he decided to dump me between items: (34) Turn him into the dog that has been disturbing Mrs. Norris and give him to Filch for Christmas, and (41) Use him as a test subject for Fred and George. He told me to call him if I ever ran away from home!” Ginny cried out over Harry’s hysterics. “But I’m not too keen on this look; I think I’ll go try something new. See you later, Harry,” Ginny called over her shoulder as she left Harry leaning on the wall for support.
But he wasn’t left alone for long.
“Ah, Potty. What a pleasant surprise.” Harry straightened up as he saw Malfoy and his cronies - minus one. Only Goyle was following Malfoy, which definitely didn’t look as menacing, especially as he tripped over...nothing.
“That’s a good one!” guffawed Goyle. It seemed with the absence of Crabbe, Goyle had to work overtime. To no effect.
“No, it’s not!” Harry shouted indignantly
“Hey, shut up!” Goyle complained. Malfoy groaned dejectedly.
“Ooh, now there’s a good come back. How long did it take you to come up with that one?” Harry asked, his voice oozing with sarcasm. He was quite enjoying the absence of Crabbe; it left him lots more openings in conversation.
“About two hours,” admitted Goyle, before Malfoy kicked him.
“I need Crabbe back,” said Malfoy miserably. “Wow, there’s a sentence I never thought I’d say!”
When Harry finally reached the common room, the strangeness did not end. He saw Parvati trying desperately to get what looked like green stick insects from out of her hair, although that proved to be difficult when the green stick insects turned out to be her hair. Harry also saw Hermione looking smug (which he was sure was completely coincidental…).
Not thinking he could take much more weirdness, Harry went up to his dormitory, where he saw Ron shuffling around the items on his bedside table. This was peculiar behaviour, even for Ron.
“Harry,” Ron started to explain, noticing Harry‘s curious glance as he threw a pair of sunglasses with one lens missing and a tattered page of what used to be his Care of Magical Creatures book over his shoulder. “I think I’ve lost…something!” Harry noticed that when Ron paused, searching his mind for whatever it was that he’d lost, Neville’s face whitened considerably.
“I wouldn’t worry about it, Ron. If it was important, you’d have noticed it by now,” Harry reassured him, trying not to confuse his brain any further with the peculiar happenings that just seemed to get weirder and weirder…
“Harry! I need to talk to you!” Neville whispered in a very secretive manner, looking shiftily around. “Come down to the common room, where hopefully we won’t be,” Neville paused, for dramatic effect, “overheard.” Reluctantly, Harry followed him back down the stairs and into the common room, where they headed for a secluded corner.
“Harry! You have to help me! I think my plant ate Ron’s wardrobe!” Neville blurted out all in a rush. After all the strange things Harry had seen and heard, he hadn’t known he could still be surprised. He was wrong.
“Your plant did what?” Harry hollered, still in shock.
“Shhh!” Neville cried, shooting wild glances around the room. “I haven’t told him yet!” Harry threw his hands up into the air theatrically as he collapsed into the nearest chair.
“You haven’t told him yet? Don‘t you think he might notice?!” Neville looked at him sardonically. “Nah, you’re right. It is Ron. But still, what are you going to do? Have you asked Professor Sprout?” Neville looked, if possible, even more panicked at the prospect of telling someone else.
“No! I can’t tell anyone else, Harry, that’ll only prove Malfoy’s point that I can’t do anything right. I can! I will! I will find Ron’s wardrobe! Or…if I don’t, do you really think Ron will notice?” Harry groaned.
“I dunno, Neville…probably not. But still, someone’s bound to before long! Have you looked inside the plant?” Neville nodded, wringing his hands anxiously, and Harry lowered his voice as Hermione started over. “Well, have you tried the library? There might be something in there about vicious plants eating roommates’ wardrobes,” Harry suggested, his voice falling as he heard the sheer absurdness of it all.
“No, I’ll go and have a look now. Thanks, Harry,” Neville said before he sprinted off.
“What was all that about?” Hermione asked as she sat down next to Harry. Harry gave a half-laugh, half-groan.
“It’s just Neville…his plant sort of…ate Ron’s wardrobe!” Harry looked up as Hermione didn’t say anything, which was unusual as usually she would have berated him on the sheer stupidity of keeping a plant like that next to a wardrobe, or (though Harry felt he might be being a bit hopeful) come up with a solution from a book she’d just read. Instead, Hermione’s cheeks turned steadily pink. “Hermione, you didn’t have something to do with Neville’s plant eating Ron’s wardrobe, did you?”
“Well…yes and no!” Harry looked at her quizzically. Hermione sighed as she began to explain. “Ok, mostly yes. I didn’t feed Ron’s wardrobe to Neville’s plant! But…I did feed Ron’s sock to Neville’s plant…You see, I went up to your dormitory to see if you had the Transfiguration homework, and I was thinking how oblivious he was, and I saw his wardrobe just standing there, and I thought, well, I bet Ron’s so oblivious to, well, everything, that he probably wouldn’t even notice if his wardrobe went missing! So…I sort of made his wardrobe go missing…What? Don’t look at me like that!“ Harry laughed at the expression on Hermione’s face.
“So what did you do with Ron’s wardrobe?” he asked, intrigued.
“I put it in the last place he’d look,” Hermione revealed smugly, “in front of the History of Magic blackboard. What? It’s his own fault; if he’d only pay attention in class, he wouldn’t be in this trouble!”
“Um…he hasn’t actually realised it’s missing yet,” he confessed. “Well, he’s realised something’s missing!” Harry said hurriedly after seeing the look on Hermione’s face. “He just doesn’t know exactly what…” Hermione stormed off, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like, “Yeah, his marbles!” under her breath.
“What’s wrong with her?” asked a girl dressed in a big red suit complete with white trimmings round the edge.
“Ginny?” Harry asked incredulously.
“What? Oh! No, this is for Muggle Studies!” Ginny explained. “We have to go dressed as someone from popular culture - and who’s more popular than Santa! I mean, he goes into people’s houses and leaves presents! Who can not like him?! Anyway, what’s bothering Hermione?” But after exchanging a look with Harry, they both said in a resigned tone,
“Ron!”
Dear Dumby by Oppungo
Chapter Notes: There's a lot going on in Hogwarts in this chapter; Harry discovers that 'care' seems to have an alternative definition, Left-Handed Lurgy plagues the corridors and the weirdness just won't seem to cease...