A/N: Many thanks to my lovely beta, songbook99!
Dear Dumby - Issue 4
Dear Dumby,
I have a major problem. Yesterday, I got up, like I do everyday, and went straight over to the mirror, as always. But this time, something was different. I spotted - a wrinkle! I can’t have wrinkles! I’ll lose my spot as the Hogwarts hot-shot! Oh, and by the way, my hair isn’t going grey, I’m a natural blonde! Very blonde. But that's not the point.
To top it all off, it seemed that my (hopefully not diminishing) looks are not the only problem. I just lost one of my best fr - sidekicks. He left me to be Millicent Bulstrode’s new sidekick! Now I’m not nearly as menacing, especially as my remaining sidekick is just plain stupid. I now realise he’s only there for intimidation, the sidekick that left me was always the one who laughed at my smart remarks and could poke fun at others sufficiently. Now, the only laughter is from the people I’m supposed to be bullying. Instead of laughing at my snide comments, my one and only sidekick is too busy tripping over air or watching a beetle walk up a wall. It’s humiliating.
How do I get my old sidekick back (as well as my looks)?
Slytherin Stud (Who Does Not Still Have Ferret Breath)
Dear Slytherin Stud (Who Does Not Still Have Ferret Breath),
I’m sorry to say there isn’t much you can do about restoring your looks, except maybe a hair tonic. Also, you might not get so many wrinkles if you didn’t frown or sneer so much. Just a thought.
About your fr - sidekick. Maybe you would be able to convince him to return to hang around with you if you treated him more as an equal, as a friend, as a human, than as a sidekick? Also, never underestimate the power of an apology. I’m sure if you just said you were sorry and you need him back, he would accept it.
Also I am a little concerned about your recreational activities, they sound a lot like mistreatment of other children, e.g.: bullying, which as I’m sure you are aware of, is not nice, and will earn you two weeks worth of detention. If you’re stuck for something to do, why not try knitting? (Though the house-elves do not appreciate it if you leave them lying around the common room...)
Good Luck,
Dumby
Dear Dumby,
I absolutely adore Harry Potter!! He's, like, the best, bravest, most handsome, wonderful guy ever! I'm his biggest fan!! But the thing is, he never seems to notice me! I was wondering if you could help? I'm ever so afraid that this year will be the year that he gets killed by You-Know-Who, and he won't have ever told me that my hair looks nice! Also, that may be a problem, as I'm allergic to hair conditioner, which is what makes your hair shine brighter than spoons - but I can't use it! What should I do?
Love,
Sexy (Ha! I wish Harry would think that!) Lydz
Dear Sexy Lydz,
I'm glad that you have someone to focus your attention on (though I hope it isn't affecting your schoolwork), but maybe he doesn't see you enough to notice you? Maybe you ought to concoct a plan to get him to notice you? Or band together with a group of other people and set up a 'chance' encounter with him? I doubt that he would be able to ignore you then! Also, there would be so many people he probably wouldn't even notice that your hair isn't shiny.
Hope this helps,
Dumby
P.S. I hear Colin Creevey has a fan-club going...
Dear Dumby,
Yeh see, the latest addition ter ma personal sanctuary has, erm, escaped. I was tryin’ ter tame it, only I don’t think it was workin’ just yet. Yeh see, there’s a lot o’ prejudice against it; the creature is thought o’ as so terrible (at the moment - I’m sure after time it would ‘ave settled down) tha’ hardly anyone can dare ter speak it’s name. Some call it ‘Crazy’, some jus’ call it ‘The Frog’. It’s real name is…I can’t write it! But how can I catch it without admittin’ ter anyone I ‘ave it (as I think it may be agains‘ the law), an’ lettin’ it cause havoc around the school? ‘Cos if it fell inta the wrong ‘ands, the consequences could be disastrous!
Please help!
Crazy For Creatures
Dear Crazy For Creatures,
Oh dear. You know, there is often a reason for not keeping illegal creatures. Mainly that they are dangerous and can’t really be tamed. But there may be a way to resolve this; deny all knowledge of it, or anything to do with it. Or, you could try looking for it. Hopefully someone will turn it in before too much mayhem is caused!
Good Luck!
Dumby
Dear Dumby,
Can you please have a Parent/Teacher Consultation Evening tomorrow night? You know, where every teacher in the whole school goes to the Great Hall and talks to parents about their children, everything that’s wrong with them and how they’re getting on at school, for absolutely ages, so that they are all preoccupied for the whole evening, as opposed to lurking around the school keeping watch for evil dark lords who might try to break in or look after certain students who always seem to be in trouble/have attempts made on their life?
Thanks.
Former Slytherin Stud
Dear Former Slytherin Stud,
That sounds like a brilliant idea! What ever made you randomly think of something like that? I suppose it was out of care and compassion for yours and others’ children, and not the fact that you have an ulterior motive! Yes, we most certainly can have a Parent/Teacher Consultation Evening tomorrow night, although when I think of all the teachers in the entire school being preoccupied in the Great Hall and leaving the students completely alone and defenceless when there is an evil dark lord about bent on world domination and killing one in particular of our students, I feel like I'm forgetting something...
Probably that I forgot to tell Filch Mrs. Norris has turned up - in the toilet…
Dumby
Dear Dumby by Oppungo
Chapter Notes: Issue 4 of Dear Dumby holds letters from rapid fans, letters about rapid animals (neither of which are 'Slytherin Stud' or 'Former Slytherin Stud', thank you) and an extremely interesting idea...