Disclaimer: The usual, none of the characters are mine; they were created by Ms. J.K. Rowling. The only thing I can claim to own in all this is my imagination.
Harry lay on the spare bed in Ron’s room, staring up into the darkness. It had been almost ten when the party had returned to the Burrow. After the rather tiring day most of them had decided to go to bed immediately. As he watched Hermione, Ginny, Fred, George and Mr. Weasley all retiring to bed, Harry had also pretended to be exhausted, letting loose an expansive and rather comical yawn. As he had been heading up to Ron’s room, he had heard Mrs. Weasley mentioning to Ron that Harry looked all in and was likely to sleep till noon the next day. Harry had felt slightly guilty at this; he had no intention of sleeping at all. But he didn’t have time to dwell on twinges of guilt, there was still much to be done. Entering Ron’s room he had quickly changed into some clothes suited for nighttime travel. He had then arranged his remaining clothes into a state of orderly disorderliness. Anyone looking into the room would have thought that his effects were scattered around, as was his wont. Only they weren’t scattered at all, he had placed them there so he could still pack them into his bag in no time.
At midnight Ron had finally come up and after changing in a hurry he had crashed onto his bed. He was out like a light and soon Harry could hear his gentle snores. After half an hour, Harry slowly and quietly got up and began packing his bag. He had made a mental note of where everything was placed which enabled him to pack in five minutes flat. As he sat on the bed pulling on his shoes, he got the strange feeling that he had forgotten something though he couldn’t remember what. There was no light in the room; a passing cloud had hid even the moon. Harry decided to risk a little light and practice his non-verbal spell casting at the same time.
Drawing his wand, he said “Lumos” in his mind. Nothing happened. Frowning, he tried again, concentrating hard on the image of light emanating from the tip of his wand. Lumos. This time it gave a half-hearted flicker like a torch that had run out of batteries.
Harry cursed under his breath and then froze as he heard Ron mumble in his sleep. Heart pounding, he heard Ron say something about spiders and then turn over and fall asleep again. Harry smiled. Ron was terrified of spiders and he remembered how scared Ron had been when they had gone into the Forbidden Forest to meet the giant spider Aragog; which incidentally had been Hagrid’s pet of all things.
All right wand, just this one time could you please do as I think? Lumos, thought Harry desperately. The bright light that flashed out momentarily blinded Harry and he hastily shoved his wand under a sheet for fear that somebody might notice it. Ron continued to snore. Harry waited, listening hard. After a few minutes he drew out the wand and slowly explored the room looking for anything he might have missed. He seemed to have got everything. Just as he was about to extinguish his wand he caught a glint out of the corner of his eye. It was the watch that Hermione had given him. It lay on the table and it had been partially hidden by Ron’s dress robes, which Ron had hastily thrown across the table while changing. Harry pocketed the watch, feeling sure he would need it. He was ready. It was time.
But before he could leave he needed to check that everyone else was asleep and Harry had thought of a way to achieve that. Quickly casting the Muffliato spell so that Ron wouldn’t hear anything, he whispered “Dobby?” softly.
For a few moments he couldn’t hear a thing. He was just beginning to wonder if Dobby hadn’t heard him when there was a sharp crack and a small high-pitched voice said, “Did Harry Potter call Dobby, sir?”
“No, I didn’t call you sir”, said Harry, grinning in the darkness.
“But Dobby thinks he hears Harry Potter and…”
“Oh never mind.” This wasn’t the time to be teaching a house-elf the nuances of the English language.
“Listen Dobby, I need you to do something for me. I need to leave the house without anyone knowing. I want you to go to all the rooms and check that everyone’s asleep,” said Harry in a low whisper.
The extra precaution was needed because Lupin, Tonks, Neville and Luna were all spending the next few days at the Burrow. Since the death of Dumbledore, the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix had been moved from Grimmauld Place to the Burrow, which was why Lupin and Tonks were there. Neville’s grandmother had decided to take a short trip to meet some of her relatives while Luna’s father was in Romania researching a story (“Have we descended from dragons?”) for his paper, the Quibbler. Mrs. Weasley had therefore kindly invited Neville and Luna to the Burrow to spend the last few days there before they left for Hogwarts. That meant that with more people in the house, there was a greater chance of someone hearing or seeing Harry as he executed his escape plan.
“But...” began Dobby, obviously rather taken aback by this strange request.
“No time for buts, off you go”, said Harry briskly.
Obediently Dobby vanished and Harry settled down to wait. He didn’t have to wait long, Dobby was back almost before Harry knew he was gone.
“Well?”
“Everyone is asleep, Harry Potter, except your girl friend.”
“Eh…Ginny’s still awake?” asked Harry. This complicates things a bit, he thought.
“No, no, Harry Potter, not the Wheezy girl. The other one.”
“Hermione?” said Harry blankly, “but she’s not my girlfriend.” He had spent the better part of his fourth year saying the same thing after an article by Rita Skeeter had hinted at a romantic involvement between the two. After a while he had begun to feel that he would have said it even if someone had mentioned that Hermione had brown hair.
“But, she is Harry Potter’s friend and she’s a girl”, said Dobby in confusion.
“Quite, but we don’t need to go into the whys at this point.”
Harry wasn’t sure if he was amused by Hermione’s persistence or irritated by it. It also made things rather difficult for him. He knew that Mrs. Weasley woke up at five and though she may have been tired by the previous day’s exertions; there was no reason to believe that she wouldn’t do the same today. Consequently he had to leave by three at the latest.
“Alright Dobby, go back to her room and stay there but stay hidden. The moment she falls asleep, wake me up,” instructed Harry.
Harry lay back on the bed, waiting, and thinking of the previous night. He wanted to remember everything that had happened, everything that had been said. He thought back to the kiss and in the darkness, he smiled. As he slowly slipped into the realm of the sandman, he traveled back to the Great Hall. In his dream he relived the entire night, the last dance, Hermione pulling away. This time the lights stayed on. He looked around, scanning the crowd for a glimpse of red hair. He felt the arms go around his neck, swiveled to see who it was…
“Wake up, Harry Potter, she is asleep.”
“Huh, Whaaa… Oh, right.” Harry let out a humongous yawn and reached for his watch. It read nine o’clock.
Harry sat up bolt upright. “What?” he cried out, and then he let out a sigh of relief. He’d been holding the watch upside down; it was only a half past three. Still, Harry wasn’t too pleased. It was a lot later than he had hoped. He hastily slung the bag across his shoulders then stopped.
“Are you sure she’s asleep?” he asked suspiciously.
“Oh yes Harry Potter. She has a sheet over her head,” said Dobby happily, seemingly pleased that he had done what Harry Potter had asked him to.
Harry narrowed his eyes; knowing Hermione, he couldn’t afford to take any risks. “Well, go back to her room and check that it’s really her under the sheet. Sometimes people put pillows under the sheet to make it look like people,” he said in a rush.
Dobby blinked, trying to make sense of this statement. Harry himself began to wonder about what he’d just said.
“But why...” began Dobby.
“Never mind why. Just do it. And don’t poke her to check if she’s there… think of something else.”
As Dobby disappeared, Harry got the feeling that Dobby must have been having grave doubts about his sanity. He was quietly chuckling at the thought, when Dobby reappeared.
“It is her under the sheet,” he reported.
“How do you know?”
“Dobby could see her face. She was asleep,” Dobby added hastily.
“Right then, good work Dobby and thanks. You can go back to Hogwarts now. I’ll see you soon” Harry lied. Dobby disappeared in a puff of smoke as Harry prepared to leave the Burrow for what could possibly be the last time.
Harry quietly crept out of the room and headed downstairs. He hesitated at the door of the room where Ginny and Hermione were sleeping, listening for any sound to indicate that the occupants weren’t asleep. Satisfied that there was none, he went down the stairs and to the main door. “Alohomora” he whispered and heard the lock click open. He gently pushed the door open and stepped out into the night. Shutting the door he whispered again "Colloportus". The door was locked but not securely. He set off to the little broom-shed nearby where he and Dumbledore had had a discussion just the previous year. He pushed the door open; ah, it was still there.
Harry had thought of Apparition for moving from place to place but the new Firebolt XL had changed his mind. For one, he didn't care much for Apparition, it was too physically demanding. A broom was slower but at least there was no risk of getting splinched or ending up in Paris when he was aiming for London. He headed over to the corner where it leant.
"And just where do you think you're going?"
The effect of hearing a voice where there should have been none caused Harry to bite his tongue. The subsequent pain and the shock of realization that he had been found out made him speak rather sharply.
"It’s none of your business. What are you doing here anyway?"
"I'm here to make sure you don't do anything reckless", she replied coolly.
"Hex me then, because there's no other way you're going to stop me." He still couldn't bring himself to look at her. Guilt was something he did not need on his conscience right now. His abruptness had the desired effect on her. When she spoke again there was a quaver in her voice.
"Harry, please don't do this. We want to go with you; we’ve always been with you, supported you in everything."
“Is that right? Well, I seem to remember two people who didn’t believe that Malfoy was up to no good last year. Yeah, they sure gave me a lot of support then,” he barked harshly. The memory of how they had pooh-poohed all his concerns about Malfoy still rankled and he had needed this opportunity to let out his frustration. He knew he was hurting her but he had to, at least it might cause her to leave him alone.
“Harry, I’m sorry, we should have believed you. But it didn’t make sense at the time. Surely you must see that. Besides, even Dumbledore didn’t really seem to attach much credence to the theory and…”
“Now he’s dead,” he finished dully. She stopped abruptly knowing that this was going nowhere, wishing fervently that she could reach him somehow.
“Harry, we can help you…”
"I don't need your help." The moment he said it he wished he hadn't. But there is no spell to take back what has been said. He heard her gasp but he couldn't weaken now.
"Harry, you promised we could come with you. And at the dance you said you weren't running away." There was a definite plea in her voice now but he had to ignore it.
"Well you should start listening better. I never promised that I would take you. You assumed I would. And at the dance I never said that I wasn’t running away." He hated himself with every word. Please just go away; don't make me say all this, he thought desperately. He could hear her begin to cry softly behind him. His shoulders slumped.
"I have to do this alone. I can't risk anyone else dying because of me", he said gently.
"Don't you care about how we'd feel if something were to happen to you because we weren't there to help? Don't you care?"
It took all of Harry's willpower to force out the single word, “No”. Wearily he reached forward to pick up the broom and then felt her grab his shoulder and turn him around.
"Look at me and tell me you don't care", she challenged. Her face was glistening with tears but her eyes were blazing with anger.
"I DON"T CARE, HERMIONE", yelled Harry, momentarily forgetting that he didn't have the job of waking up all of Ottery St.Catchpole. She took a step back as if he had struck her. He took the opportunity to grab his broom and stalk out of the building. He had his wand at ready just in case she did try to hex him in order to stop him.
"Harry wait, at least... at least take me with you." He stopped, astounded. Whatever he had been expecting, this definitely was not it. She wanted to come with him, into who knew what danger. Hmmm, she was the brightest witch in Hogwarts; she could definitely help in some tough situations.
Wait, that’s just selfish, to take her into danger you yourself know nothing about and to take her and not Ron, what are you thinking.
He sighed, "I'm sorry." The next moment he had mounted his broom and was gone.
She ran out of the building and scanned the dark skies for him but there was no sign of him. The tears that had momentarily abated returned in full force now.
Why did I let him go, I could have stopped him, I could have...
A sudden sound caused her to look up hopefully. Sure enough, Harry was flying downwards towards her. Had he changed his mind, was he coming back? She knew it wasn't likely but she clung to the hope nonetheless.
She ran up to him as he landed. He got off the broom and pulled her into a fierce hug.
"I'm sorry", he said again "Take care of yourself; and Ron and Ginny and the others. They won't understand."
"I'm not sure I do either. Why does it always have to be you? Why do you have to be the knight in shining armor every time?" She was surprised to hear Harry laugh at this and demanded crossly as to what he was cackling about.
"Nothing. I just had a vision of me in a knight suit, riding a broom." he chuckled. She smiled through her tears, amazed that he could be cheerful at a time like this. Then she realized; he was doing it for her.
"By the way, how did you know I was out here?" he asked; it was something he had been wondering ever since she had suddenly turned up.
"Spell on the front door. Sets off an alarm when someone crosses it."
"What? An alarm went off when I opened the door? How come I didn't hear it?"
"Because only the spell caster can hear the alarm. I read it in a book over the summer."
Harry looked at her, impressed. "You're going to sail through your N.E.W.T.s you know."
"How can you say that? How can you be bothered about how I'll do on my N.E.W.T.s when you're off alone fighting Voldemort?" Tears were welling up in her eyes again. Harry's face turned solemn.
"You must understand; I didn't choose this life. It was thrust upon me and now I have to see it through to the end… alone. You do understand, don't you?" he pleaded. She nodded mutely. He kissed her on the cheek and smiled at her.
"Don't look like that, Hermione. I'll see you soon."
Yeah, right. The last time he had said that, Death Eaters had attacked Hogwarts and Dumbledore had ended up dead. And this time...
"Harry, wait. I have to tell you something. Ginny and I..." She stopped. Harry was already streaking into the clouds. And for the first time in her life, Hermione Granger wished she had been better at Quidditch.
After the strain of the previous night, Hermione awoke with a splitting headache. Even though she felt like something Crookshanks had dragged in, she could still hear the noise coming from downstairs. She knew what it was about and didn't really fancy going down to join in but it had to be faced sometime. Groaning, she dragged herself out of bed.
Ten minutes later, Hermione descended to the kitchen to a scene of total chaos rivaling all that had happened the previous day. Mrs. Weasley was sobbing in the corner with Ginny and Fleur trying to comfort her. Ron, Mr. Weasley, Lupin, Tonks, Neville and Bill all seemed to be talking at the same time. Even the twins seemed more subdued than usual. Hermione caught snatches of conversation... hotheaded...reckless...must search....
At the sight of her, all conversation stopped. They all seemed to want to tell her yet no one wanted to be the first. She waited for someone to say something, anything. She didn't want to be the one to open the conversation. Luckily for her, just as the silence was beginning to get oppressive, Mrs. Weasley let out an extra loud sniff and wailed, "Hermione, Harry's gone. He left in the middle of the night. He's going to fight You-Know-Who alone", and then she burst into a fresh bout of sobbing. Ginny came over to Hermione and held out a piece of paper.
"He left this letter behind", she said. Hermione felt a pang for Ginny who was looking rather white. She had been hard hit but she seemed to be bearing up reasonably well. Hermione turned her attention to the letter.
Dear all,
I am really terribly sorry to have to do this and I hope that you can find it in your hearts to forgive me. I will not be returning to Hogwarts this year. There is unfinished business for me to attend to alone. Everyone who has ever been close to me has died. I cannot risk the lives of any more of my friends; I don't think I could take the pain again. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, it’s the ones I love who are always the ones who pay. That is why I must set out on this journey alone. All I ask is that Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville and Luna return to Hogwarts. The attack from Death Eaters notwithstanding, Hogwarts is the safest place for them right now. I don't presume to dictate but Voldemort has a nasty habit of coming after the people I love most and therefore it is vitally important that they are kept safe.
Ron: I'm really sorry about this, mate. I wish I could take you along but I can't. Please try to understand. I have never for a moment regretted that you sat next to me that day on the Hogwarts Express, when this all began. The last six years have been bearable because you've been there to share all the experiences. Take care of Hermione and Ginny.
Hermione: I couldn't have got through the last six years without your help, in the classroom and out. I guess all I can say is thanks and hope that by this quest I can make this world safer for you. By the way, I'd asked the Order to put some protective charms on your parents’ house and I believe it has been done so you don't need to worry about them. They'll be fine. I'll see to that.
See you all soon.
Yours ever,
Harry
She looked up from the letter. It had been along the lines that she had expected, though the part about her parents being under protection had surprised her. She suddenly felt a pair of eyes boring into her. She turned to see Ginny looking at her suspiciously.
"You don't seem very surprised by the letter or by the fact that Harry's gone. You didn't, by any chance, know about this, did you?" she asked. Hermione could see that Ginny was fervently hoping that the answer would be no. She took a deep breath, feeling every eye in the room on her.
"Yes", she said softly.
She couldn't have caused a bigger sensation if she had announced that Dumbledore was alive and well, sunbathing in the south of France. Ron's jaw dropped. His sister's reaction was markedly different; her expression was a mix of anger and disappointment making Hermione feel rather guilty for not having told Ginny of her suspicions. Everyone else’s expressions were similarly indicative of various degrees of shock. They all just stood around staring at her open-mouthed. Ron was the first one to recover and unfortunately in his case, shock had been succeeded by anger.
"You knew?" he thundered.
"Yes" she said defiantly.
"You knew he was going to do this stupid, fatheaded thing and you didn't stop him," he said, as if wanting to be sure that such a thing were even possible.
"I wanted to stop him but I couldn’t."
You could have hexed him. Anything to make sure he didn't leave."
"Like I would hex my best friend. I can't just petrify him."
"You didn't seem to be quite so scrupulous about petrifying Neville in the first year," Ron spat out. Neville went slightly pink at this, but he needn't have worried. Anyone not giving their full attention to the heated argument would have had to be stone deaf. Besides, Hermione had already flushed a deeper shade of red.
"It’s not the same thing. Its Harry's decision and I can't stop him," she stated with as much dignity as she could muster.
"So you'd rather he went and got himself killed just because he thinks he doesn't need us." Ron’s face was now almost as red as his hair.
Hermione had to blink back tears. "You really think I want Harry to die out there? Its not that he doesn't need us, it’s just that… he doesn't want to see us get hurt and he has to do this alone."
"Oh that’s so noble. Remind me to be eternally grateful for that."
"He said you wouldn't understand", she screamed at him.
"He's right. And I don't understand you either", he yelled back, storming up the stairs towards his room.
Hermione stood in Ginny’s room looking out the window without really seeing anything. The weather seemed to have taken a cue from the general atmosphere in the Burrow and had turned rainy and depressing. After the big spat with Ron had ended, everyone had begun to be at least a little sympathetic with her. But she could see that underneath the "Never mind dear, it was the only thing to do" all of them were actually thinking, "She must be completely mental to have let him go off like that". She had wolfed down her bacon and eggs as fast as she could manage without choking herself, and then had returned to her room. Ginny had come up once to take her potions book and they had looked at each other rather awkwardly. Hermione had tried to make out if she was forgiven or not but Ginny’s expression had been unfathomable.
“Ginny, I’m sorry. I should have told you about what I thought he was going to do,” she had begun tentatively.
“It’s alright. I understand,” Ginny had replied with a small smile and she had grabbed her transfiguration book instead and disappeared downstairs.
There had been something in the way she had said those words that had made Hermione even more uncomfortable but she had decided not to think about it. She had enough unpleasant thoughts to occupy herself anyway. The truth was that she didn't quite understand herself as to why she had let Harry go. He hadn't been eloquent nor had he been frightfully clear. But she knew that it was what she would do if she had to do it again. Still...
A gentle knock interrupted her thoughts. "Go away", she grunted. She didn’t particularly feel like talking to anyone in her present frame of mind.
"You did the right thing, and don't change your mind just because everyone else says different", said a quiet voice behind her.
Startled, she turned around. Lupin stood in the doorway, looking at her. "Professor, I'm sorry..." Lupin held up a hand.
"Nothing to be sorry about, Hermione, it’s perfectly understandable.”
As he stood there smiling encouragingly at her, she got the feeling that he was the only one who understood her right now so she decided to put the question that had most tormented her, to him.
“Professor, should I have tried harder to stop Harry?”
“I don’t think it would have served any useful purpose. If you had stopped Harry somehow, as Ron suggested, then I’m sure he would’ve just figured out some other way of shaking you off. Besides, I feel certain that it would have seriously damaged your friendship. He would have hated you for not letting him go and you would have been worried as to when he’d try to go away alone again."
She stood uncertainly chewing her lower lip. Finally she said, "Professor, I'm scared. I know I let him go, but if anything happens to him, I'll... I'll never forgive myself."
"Perhaps now you are beginning to understand what it’s like to be in the shoes of Harry Potter," he said quietly.
"What?" It wasn’t the reply that she had expected.
Lupin elaborated, "How do you think Harry would feel if he was to take you with him and then something was to happen to you?"
"But that’s different. We chose to go with him."
"And he chose to go alone. I'm not saying it’s the right choice. But it is Harry's decision and we must respect that."
She knew he was right but it didn't really help. She looked at him hoping for more words of comfort but his face turned grave.
"However, even though he has chosen to go alone, he will hold on to those he loves; you and Ron, even if it is only in his thoughts. No matter what happens, you must believe in him. Because once your faith in him falters, then the only difference between him and Voldemort will be gone."
She nodded and shifted her gaze out of the window. Part of her still blamed herself for letting Harry charge ahead into danger without stopping him. She also knew that to hold on to her belief that she was right, was to isolate herself from those closest to her, well, most of them at least. Lupin was right. She was finally beginning to see what it was like to be Harry. To constantly blame oneself for something not in one's power; and to feel completely and utterly alone.
A/N: Another long chapter and I hope that’s not turning off the readers. So what do you think of it? Good or far-fetched? Let me know, I’d love to hear your opinions on this. Also I put part of a quote from Spiderman 2 in the letter that Harry left behind, but I guess that’s pretty obvious anyway.
Chow for now.
Scarhead Steve.