The (Not So) Secret Diary of Nymphadora Tonks
A/N: Elissa, Esma, Cree, Carmen, Robert, and Dereck are all my OCs. All other characters, situations, etc. are the exclusive property of JK Rowling. I’m just inviting them over for playgroup. :)
Sirius flipped open the diary and began to read...
“Note to self: Never, ever again play ‘Truth or Dare’. If forced to, pick ‘truth’ and lie if need be.
Carmen, Elissa, and Cree talked me into playing. I wasn’t about to pick ‘truth’ for various reasons. One of those reasons was Elissa’s bottle of Veritaserum. The other involved myself, a Hufflepuff fourth year, and several, shall we say, modified conversation hearts.
It was Cree asking me, and she knows all the right questions to ask, so I chose ‘dare’. There began the Problem Named Robert. Robert Naman, to be specific. Now I have 48 hours to get him to kiss me.
I’m dead.” Here Sirius could not resist stopping to comment. “Tonks is right, she is dead...really, she’s so horrible I’ll be surprised if she ever does get a boyfriend...how she’s even going to get this Robert kid to kiss her I don’t know...” He turned to Remus. “Moony, your ‘I’m not listening’ face needs work.”
Remus turned red. “Erm...what?”
Sirius grinned. “Don’t pretend you’re not listening to this, despite your...hmm...fervent protests against our reading it.”
“Well...I...er...oh, just don’t blame me when you get in trouble.”
“However, if I can’t go through with the dare, the consequence is a night in the Forbidden Forest, the chances of me surviving which are unfortunately rather slim. As such, I don’t think I have much of a choice. This only way out of this is Robert.
Later...
It was like kissing the giant squid. He tried to stick his tongue in my mouth and I pushed him off the wall. Oh, we really needed to know that, didn’t we?” Sirius said sarcastically. “For some reason this made him pretty mad at me-“
“Oh, I wonder why,” said James as he rolled his eyes.
“For some reason this made him pretty mad at me, and he ran off. Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.” Sirius flipped over to the next entry. “I wonder if there’s anything actually interesting in here.”
“Guess where Robert went when I scared him off, as it were. Straight to Carmen, and now they’re going out. All I’ve heard from her for the past week is Robert, Robert, Robert. Robert this and Robert that and to hear her tell it he’s the handsomest, most perfect guy in the world. Talk about crazy. Oh, I have to put up with that sort of thing from a certain best friend about a certain redheaded Gryffindor girl all the time, and you think you’ve got it bad?” Sirius said. “I mean, geez...no offense, Prongs, of course.”
“None taken.”
“The worst part of it is that she acts like I should be jealous. It’s absolute insanity and there’s no other word for it. Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate. Knock on wood, Tonksie, wait a few years and call me in the morning,” Sirius said with a grin. “I almost guarantee there’ll be some boy or other you’ll be absolutely crazy about. She doesn’t even act like herself any more. It’s like I’m losing my best friend. Okay, boring. She’s mostly just complaining about Carmen and Robert.” He riffled through the pages a little more.
“What’d you expect?” Peter said. “It’s a girl’s diary.”
“I dunno...oh, here we go. Something about Hufflepuffs. I don’t know why I’m surprised. I really don’t have any right to be, seeing as I was expecting this in the first place. Dereck Reigo and his friends (if you can call them that) are at it again”teasing me, I mean. You’ve just got to wonder if they haven’t got anything better to do than shove me around and call me names. It would be humiliating enough without Elissa always showing up and rescuing me. Who in their right mind would make her a prefect I don’t know.
Well, Elissa turns up most of the time, but this time she didn’t. So here I am sitting down by the lake and wondering when they’ll go away and stop throwing things at me and trying not to cry and failing miserably of course”“ Sirius stopped abruptly, reading a little further down the page. “Oh, this is just priceless. I mean, really...Moony, I didn’t know you had it in you...”
“What?” James asked impatiently, trying to look over Sirius’ shoulder.
“I’m getting there, I’m getting there... So here I am sitting down by the lake and wondering when they’ll go away and stop throwing things at me and trying not to cry and failing miserably of course, when one of the Gryffindor prefects comes up. That’s you, Moony,” Sirius said, looking over at Remus amusedly.
“I know...I remember, for heavens’ sake...”
“I don’t even notice he’s there until he speaks.
‘Ah, there you are, Reigo, Professor Sprout’s been wanting to see you...something about a detention...’ Of course Dereck gets real nervous, because you know what a coward he can be. That’s why he picks on me all the time and not someone else.
‘But I didn’t get a detention!’ That’s actually kind of a surprise, because he is the type to get in more than his fair share of trouble.
‘Perhaps not yet, but I’m afraid I’ll be forced to give you one if you don’t stop harassing this young lady here”‘ he smiles at me. Just a little, but it’s a smile. Dereck and his gang (I don’t even know their names) get real uneasy and start trying to make excuses (at least that’s what they sound like) but he just puts up his hand. ‘I don’t want to hear excuses, boys. Of course this is just all a misunderstanding, and of course it won’t happen again”isn’t that right?”but I think I may still have to deduct some points from...Hufflepuff, isn’t it? Yes, five points each from Hufflepuff then. Now, don’t you five have anything better to do on a nice day like this?...yes, I thought so...off you go, then.’ I would have laughed, except he was so darn serious. It took me a little while to recognize him, but then I remembered where I’d seen him before. You know Sirius, don’t you?...well, it was that friend of his. Whatshisname...oh yeah, Remus.” Here Sirius interrupted himself. “Oh, isn’t that nice”‘whatshisname’.”
“Cree got really excited when I told her about this, because she has a crush on him and has for the last several years. Ever since we first got on the Hogwarts Express, actually. (Remus, not Dereck. Ugh, who would?)”
“Ha ha, Esma’s got competition, Moony,” Peter said.
“Shaddup,” Remus told him, turning a shade of red Sirius had previously thought impossible to attain.
“Ooh, can I quote you on that?” James said, laughing.
“And the first words out of our hero’s mouth are, as he so eloquently put it, ‘Shaddup’,” Sirius said, attempting to be solemn and serious, but cracking up seconds afterward. Remus couldn’t help joining in his friends’ laughter.
“Elissa was pretty mad when she heard, because she thinks quote ‘it’s my job to defend you’ unquote. I can defend myself, thank you very much. (Not that she ever believes me when I tell her this. Sheesh.) She doesn’t really have a good excuse for not being there anyway, Carmen says she was off somewhere snogging her boyfriend but she won’t admit it. Definitely does not bear thinking about.”
“Wonder if there’s anything in there about us?” James wondered aloud.
“Here’s something,” Sirius said, finally settling on one page. “Hey, it’s the entry from the day we got here. So much for my summer. No less than the Marauders themselves are staying here for the holidays. As I am doomed to live with them you might as well know what I think of them.
Sirius Black: my mum’s favorite cousin. Given what filth the rest of her cousins are, you can’t really blame her. He is, however, a vain, self-centered prig and generally an idiotic git. The only thing he has going for him are his dubious good looks. I personally think all claims of his being better looking than anything more beautiful than a toad are totally unfounded. I resent that,” Sirius said, offended. “He acts like he is the ruler of whatever place he happens to be and for some reason I have yet to figure out, has a fan club. Needless to say, I am not a member. I have a fan club? That is just so...I can’t even come up with the words, I’m so flattered! I always knew I would do well as an idol for the masses,” Sirius said, striking a pose. James shook his head.
“The diary, Pads.”
“What? Oh, yeah,” he said, coming out of his reverie. “Elissa says he’s actually not that bad if you disregard his obnoxious personality. Again, I disagree. Total and complete nonsense. She’s in denial. Yeah, that must be it,” Sirius said confidently, evidently unable to believe that anyone could not consider him one of the greatest guys on the planet.
“James Potter: there is nothing good to say about him. ABSOLUTELY nothing. He is al the things I said about Sirius and more”arrogant, boorish, proud, and generally stupid. He’s smart enough when it comes to academics, of course, but otherwise pretty dumb.”
“Ouch,” James said. “Come on, tell me that’s not what it says, Pads.”
“It is. Would I lie to you?”
“No...”
“He’s been badgering Lily for the past four or five years about going out with him. The sad thing is that she’s seriously thinking about saying yes. She’s out of her mind but maybe she’ll at least be able to control him a bit.”
“Lily what?” James asked, looking up suddenly.
“Is thinking about going out with you. What she sees in you I can’t imagine...sorry, just having a bit of fun there, Prongs...” James, however, did not seem to have noticed, however; a grin was slowly spreading across his face.
“Remus Lupin: this guy is a living enigma. He’s also a werewolf (I’m about 75% sure he thinks I don’t know.) She knows, Moony,” said Sirius, looking up.
“But we knew that, didn’t we?”
“I think it was more of a ‘we assumed’. Cree says if you turn your head sideways and squint a bit he’s actually much better-looking than Sirius. Haven’t actually tried this and don’t plan on it. However as I have mentioned, I don’t think it would make much of a difference, as Sirius’ looks are...somewhat lacking. Again, I resent that,” Sirius said crossly.
“He’s Elissa’s cousin and even she doesn’t know that much about him. Intriguing. Hear that, Moony? You’re ‘intriguing’.”
“Shaddup.”
“Consistently at a loss for words, eh?”
“Just...keep reading.”
“Mostly spends his time reading and hardly ever opens his mouth. Pretty boring if you ask me. Now, is that not what we have been telling you for the past 6 years, Moony?” Sirius asked with a triumphant look.
“Which, that I’m boring?”
“No, of course not, that you’d be more interesting if you’d take your nose out of a book and say hello every once in a while.”
“Didn’t you just call me ‘intriguing’?”
Sirius sighed. “Never mind. Moving on...”
”Peter Pettigrew: What can I say. No really, what can I say. There isn’t much good to say anyway. There seems to be a disturbing pattern here.
...how shall I put it? He’s a gutless, spineless suck-up. No, really. Hero-worships James and Sirius, which I consider stupidity enough.”
“Ouch, Wormtail,” James said.
“She’s the stupid one, not me,” Peter asserted.
”I’m surprised he was ever able to find anyone willing to go out with him, but he’s been seeing a somebody Beckinge. I never liked her much.”
“Her name,” Peter interrupted, “is Myra.”
”Not that I ever knew her, but I’ve seen her and she’s horrid. One could expect no less, really.”
“And that’s where it ends...” Sirius trailed off. “Is that really what she thinks of us?”
“Yes,” came a voice from behind them; the Marauders jumped collectively. “It really is.”
“Erm...Tonks! How, er, pleasant to, er, see you...” Sirius said half-heartedly. He received a look acidic enough to melt a hole through solid steel.
“I believe,” she said slowly, fists clenched, “that that’s mine.” Somewhere outside a dog started howling. “My sentiments exactly,” Tonks muttered. She went over to the basement window, opened it and stuck her head out, and yelled, “Baxter, shut the--" Remus privately wondered where she'd learned that kind of language-- "up, you stupid dog!” That attempt at quieting the dog having failed, she proceeded to call it several names that would have instantly earned her mouth a good scrubbing-out had Andie been present. “Neighbors’ dog,” she said, pulling her head back in and slamming the window shut.
“I...er...” James started to say something, but apparently thought better of it.
Tonks sighed. "And you haven't even started the laundry yet...typical." She grabbed the basket of clothes, set it down on the table, and snapped her fingers at Remus, who was sitting on the washer. "Off."
"Er...what?"
She sighed again and pushed him off. Sirius jumped to his defense.
"Hey, you can't--"
"Push your friend around? Just did. I'll do what I want, when I want, where I want, and I don't care what you or anyone else thinks. So there."
Tonks grabbed her diary out of Sirius' limp hands and slammed it down on the table beside the laundry basket. "Go. I'll do this."
"What?"
James grabbed Peter by the arm. "Come on, Wormtail, if she's offering to do our chores for us, let's bloody go."
Remus seemed to be slightly dazed. "Eugh...my head hurts."
"Oh, what, you want me to kiss it and make it all better or something?" Tonks shot back. "I said get."
The four boys quickly vacated the basement, opting to live.
CORRECTION: Prefects are actually not allowed to take off points...just teachers and members of the Inquisitorial Squad. (Though I bet Remus wished he could... :D) Sorry everyone.
SECOND CORRECTION: I have been informed that since Percy took off points in book two, prefects must be able to do it...so hooray for Remus. If possible, we all must now love him more. :D
The Marauders and Me by Lissa Reynolds
Chapter Notes: Having decided menial chores are beneath them, the Marauders have stolen Tonks' diary and are attempting to make sense of the contents. However, they may find much more than they originally bargained for...