A/N: All characters, situations, etc. in this chapter are the exclusive property of JK Rowling. I’m just inviting them over for playgroup. :) Also, “The Princess Bride” and all characters wherein are the exclusive property of William Goldman, who wrote both the book and the screenplay for the movie. I own nothing. :( I know the movie “The Princess Bride” was actually made after Harry was born, but since I’m already playing around with time in this fic, I thought, what the heck? Besides, I happen to like that movie a LOT, and I think I’ve got a definite thing going for Carey Elwes...;D (He plays Westley. In case you didn’t know “ le gasp. :0)
Andie fixed her hair in the hall mirror as she talked to the five teenagers standing behind her. The tallest had glossy black hair pulled back in a ponytail, and gray eyes like Andie’s; the next tallest, the only one with glasses, also had messy black hair growing in several directions, none of which was flat on his head. The other two boys had light, mousy brown hair, which was longer on the taller boy than on the shorter (and chubbier). The only girl of the group had a large quantity of curly hair like Andie’s, except that hers was dark brown instead of blonde. She also happened to be scowling at the four boys.
“Ground rules for while we’re gone: Don’t leave the house, don’t use the stove, don’t answer the door, and try not to kill each other,” Andie said. “Or yourselves,” glaring at her daughter in the mirror.
“Does that mean that I”“
“Hand!”
Tonks sighed and raised her hand halfheartedly, resting her elbow in her other palm. It had been nearly fourteen years since Andromeda Tonks had worked as a Muggle third-form teacher, but as they say, old habits die hard.
“That’s better, Nymphadora”“ she ignored Tonks’ cringe” “Now, what were you going to say?”
“Does that mean I can retaliate if they provoke me?” She shot a particularly wilting look in James’ and Sirius’ general direction.
“I trust them enough not to provoke you, dear,” Andie said, tucking the last strand of hair carefully into place. “Isn’t that right, boys?”
“Er, right.”
“I guess so...”
“Yes’m.”
“What is this ‘provoke’ you speak of?” Sirius said innocently, draping his arm over Tonks’ shoulder in what he hoped was a brotherly way. “I’d never do anything like that.” Remus suddenly went into a remarkably well-timed coughing fit. Sirius looked at him concernedly, head cocked to one side. “Something stuck in your throat, Moony?”
“Er, ah- (cough cough) I, erm, (cough) no. Just- (cough cough cough) forget it-(cough cough)”
Sirius shrugged; Tonks took the opportunity to shake herself free, a disgusted look on her face. “Don’t know what’s got him,” he said.
Andie raised her eyes and hands to the sky (as it were; all she could see was the water stained ceiling), as if demanding patience from some heavenly being, living up there among all the cockroaches, things dropped from between upstairs floorboards, and roughly 25 years’ worth of dust bunnies. “No, really, I’m serious. I don’t know what you’ve done to her, because she doesn’t tell me anything, and I know you four too well to think you’ll turn yourselves in, but you need to try being nice to each other for a change. Just a thought,” she added. “Ah, there you are, Ted. Ready to go?”
Ted Tonks appeared in the hall, not nearly as meticulously groomed as Andie, but certainly neater than usual. “Yes, dear.” He turned to the kids. “Can I count on you five to behave?” Nods. “Good. Now, Remus, I’m leaving you in charge, but Sirius”“ he gave him a look” “I’ll be holding you responsible if anything happens. Got that?” Nods. “In other words, try to keep them in line, but if they won’t listen, don’t sweat it because they’ll be the ones getting in trouble. Understand?”
“Ah, yes, sir.”
Ted turned to his daughter. “Hear that? Sir. Now, why don’t I ever hear that from you? Hm?” Remus flushed; Tonks rolled her eyes. “And I saw that, young lady!”
“Oh, I’m just incredulous that you’re putting him in charge.”
“And you have a better idea?”
“Ah, me?”
“I think you have enough control over them already, princess.”
Tonks made a sound somewhere between a laugh, a cough, and a snort.
“No, really. Have you tried using the Power of Cuteness?”
Andie replied from her position in front of the mirror, where” believe it or not” she was still primping her hair. “You may not have noticed, dear, but I think she lost the Power of Cuteness somewhere around the point when she learned to talk properly.”
“Oh. Well...it still works on me, anyway...”
Sirius snickered and Tonks shot him a look of utter disdain. “Sorry, I was just imagining you using the Power of Cuteness on your dad.”
Andie sighed. “Can we leave now?”
“Yes, dear.”
The minute her parents were out the door, Tonks went over to the mirror and began fiddling with her hair.
Remus figured it must run in her family or something.
The first thing she did was to turn her hair a very bright pink. “Interesting,” she said, studying her newly pink curls. “But too long.” So the formerly shoulder-blade-length hair became a pixie-bob, barely an inch long and sticking up every which way. “Much better.”
Sirius was the first one to speak. “Er...so I was thinking...”
“Let’s get one thing straight” I’m not talking to you four,” Tonks interrupted him.
“Too bad, ‘cause you’ll be missing out on some really fun stuff.”
Silence.
“Ever prank called anyone?”
More silence, which didn’t seem to deter Sirius.
“Really? You don’t know what you’re missing. But anyway, we need someone to scream really loud, and, well, I’m afraid Wormtail here just doesn’t cut it.”
Tonks raised an eyebrow and walked into the kitchen, still ignoring him.
“Oh, that’s great. I’m so glad you can help us.”
She turned around and shot Sirius a gesture that had gotten her fingers jinxed together several times before. He replied by way of swearing loudly at her.
“How nice,” Remus noted, “Nothing says ‘you’re my favorite cousin’ quite like than unprintable words.”
“No, I’m pretty sure those are printable,” James said, “I was passing notes to Lily in Charms while we were back at Hogwarts and I think those were her exact words. Hey, I’ve even still got the note somewhere around here...” He started digging through his pockets.
“I didn’t mean...oh, Merlin, don’t tell me you kept the note?” Remus said.
“It’s official, then,” said Peter solemnly, “our poor friend’s obsessed.”
“And you’ve just now figured that out?” asked Sirius.
“Good point.”
“I’ve got it!” James said triumphantly. “See, right here...I say hi, and she tells me to bug off. I say hi, and she calls me a son of a”“ He was cut off by Sirius pressing a hand over his mouth.
“Prongs, we really don’t need to know.”
“”er, toadstool.”
Tonks’ voice drifted into the hallway. “You know, I’m not the only one leaving things around lately...”
“Aha! She speaks!” said Sirius.
“Shut up, Pads”“ James said impatiently” “and what the bloody hell do you mean by that?”
“Language, Potter...”
Something suddenly occurred to Peter. “Er, Padfoot?”
“Yeah?”
“What did we do with the Map?”
“I’ve got it right here,” Sirius said, starting to dig through his pockets. “...see?” He pulled out a piece of folded”up paper, which he unfolded and waved before Peter’s eyes.
“Erm...Pads?”
“Yeah?”
“That’s...er...not the Map.”
“What do you mean, that’s not the Map? Of course it’s the Map!”
James grabbed the paper out of Sirius’ hands. “Er, no. It’s not. Trust me on this.”
“Then what is it?”
Remus looked over James’ shoulder. “Er...Padfoot?”
“Yeah?”
“I think this is the sort of thing you’re supposed to destroy after reading.”
Sirius grabbed the paper back from James and looked at the front. In the other room, Tonks grinned at his next outburst.
“And I thought I was bad.”
Sirius walked into the kitchen. Sitting down at the table, he leaned back, put his feet on the table, and put his hands behind his head. “Okay. So you’ve got the Map.”
“Oh, so it’s a map, is it?”
Sirius proved once again just how large his vocabulary of swear words was.
“Okay, so I’ve got the map,” Tonks repeated.
“So...you’re going to give it back.”
“Really? I didn’t know that. How strange, isn’t it? But I guess that’s what the saying, ’Do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing,’ means.”
“Don’t play innocent with me, Nymphadoofus.”
“My...name...is...Tonks!”
Sirius yawned. “Threats will get you nowhere.”
Tonks stuck out her tongue at him.
“You’re not being very nice, you know,” James said.
“Well, neither are you...so, ah, what was that paper, anyway?” Tonks asked innocently.
Remus flushed. “Er...something from his girlfriend. Not at all suitable for little girls to read.”
“I am not a little girl.”
Sirius yawned again. “Details, details.”
“But anyway, down to business,” James said. “You have the Map; we want it back.”
“I have the map; and I am most decidedly not giving it back.”
Sirius sighed. “I’m sick and tired of bargaining with a twelve-year-old-“
“Thirteen!”
“All right, I’m sick and tired of bargaining with a thirteen-year-old girl when I could just as easily stand up, walk over there, and snatch it out of your hand.”
“I’ll cry, and you’ll be sorry,” Tonks said in her best cute-innocent-little-girl-wouldn’t-hurt-a-hair-on-your-head voice.
Sirius just laughed. “Oh, really. You obviously think I’m some kind of softie who’ll ” hey, I didn’t mean it...oh, snap...” His response had elicited a sniffle from the formerly confident, outgoing girl before him, now brown-haired, drooping, and threatening to burst into tears.
While he was spluttering, James took advantage of the situation to sneak up behind Tonks and snatch the Map out of her hand.
“All right! Score: Me “ 5 billion; you “ zip, nada, nothing.” James started doing some kind of victory dance, in which Sirius quickly joined him.
“Just when I thought you two couldn’t get any weirder,” Tonks muttered.
“So...ah...about that prank call...” Sirius said, stuffing the Map into his pocket.
Tonks seemed to instantly perk back up at the mention of the Marauders’ newest escapade. “I’ll cooperate on one condition and one condition only...”
“Real men do not wear pink,” Sirius said.
“Your point being?” Tonks had to move to dodge the resulting swipe of his arm.
“Come on. Perhaps it was just a mistaken notion of mine, but for a minute there, I thought you two were actually cooperating,” Remus said.
“Sorry, it’s this warthog of a cousin of mine,” Sirius said apologetically.
“Let’s get back on the subject, please?” James asked them.
“All right. All right,” Sirius said. “Truth hurts, doesn’t it? Sorry,” he added quickly.
Tonks sat down at the table next to Sirius. “So...who are we going to call?” she said, trying to get the conversation back on track, preferably with as few insults as possible.
“No clue,” Sirius said.
“Maybe we could call an easily fooled Muggle businessman,” Peter suggested.
“That would be good...” said Tonks, “except, we don’t know any easily fooled Muggle businessmen.”
“Wouldn’t it be better to figure out what we’re going to say first?”
“Right as usual, Moony,” Sirius said, “I bow to your superior intellect.”
He looked at James. James looked back.
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
“I’m thinking I’m thinking what you’re thinking, plus I’m thinking you’re thinking what I’m thinking, which is that we’re thinking the same thing.”
Sirius cocked his head to the side and thought a moment. “If that’s what you’re thinking, I don’t need to tell you what I’m thinking. So if I’m thinking what you’re thinking...” He grinned at James. James grinned back.
”Wicked,” they said together.
“Oh, no. Oh, ho, ho, oh, no,” Tonks said. “That can’t be good. No, no way.”
“Oh, way,” Sirius said, leaning over the table and outlining his plan...
Andie and Ted ended up getting back earlier than they’d expected. “We’re home!” Andie yelled, pushing open the door. “Guys?...Sirius? Nymphadora?”
Feeling worried, she walked into the back room and was instantly relieved. A video (“The Princess Bride”) was going, and the five kids were in various states of consciousness. (Peter was asleep, face down in the popcorn bowl. It didn’t seem to deter Sirius from occasionally reaching across lazily and digging some out.) Tonks was the only one fully awake, and seemed to be entranced by the “Dread Pirate Roberts”. James had draped himself across the couch in an attempt to stay awake. After Tonks, the closest to wakefulness was Remus. Sitting in the overstuffed armchair (he had won the earlier fight over the right to use it), he was alternately watching the screen and checking the time.
“Eleven o’clock, way past your bedtimes,” Andie announced. As could be expected, whining immediately broke out.
“Aw, come on!”
“Just five more minutes, Mum! Five minutes, pleeeeze?”
“It’ll only last another twenty minutes or so, can’t we finish it?”
“I,” Remus said suddenly, “don’t know what everyone else thinks, but it is late.” The others turned to him in shock. “However,” he continued, “I do want to find out what’s going to happen to Humperdink. I agree life isn’t fair, but surely he deserves something.”
“He ends up living,” Tonks said sadly, “Westley spares him. Says he wants him to live a long life alone with his cowardice.”
“Oh. Well...I guess there’s something in that.”
“Quiet down, will you, I’m trying to listen. I’ve never seen this movie before,” said James.
“All of you are going to go to bed this minute if you don’t stop talking,” Andie threatened. The room fell silent except for Peter’s snores and the sound of Inigo being revived onscreen after fainting at the news that the six-fingered man who killed his father was in the immediate vicinity. “Now, I may let you stay up until the movie’s over if you agree to behave like normal people for the rest of the week at least. Understand?” Nods from the five teenagers. “Good.”
“Sirius,” Tonks whispered, “get off my foot.”
“As you wish,” he replied with a malicious grin.
Tonks spent the next few days trying to separate her fingers.