'Dear Diary,
Today Remus, me and the rest of the Order members who'd volunteered to pick Harry up and take him to Headquarters left.
We had to get up, like, really early, nine in the morning! Never again, I tell you, it was awful. Yet, everyone else had already eaten, had at least five cups of coffee and were all set to go by the time I had dragged myself downstairs (I was staying at Headquarters).
I dunno how they manage it. Remus was completely cool and, like, 'Afternoon, Tonks' when it wasn't even afternoon, and then everyone started laughing. I nonchalantly ate my breakfast and drank my tea and then we apparated to Privet Drive.
We had to hide out while the letter to the Dursleys about the 'Lawn Competition' thing got sent in and until they eventually got their huge backsides out of that weird house.
Then we got in, I broke a couple of plates, but everyone actually thanked me! It seemed that I could be as clumsy as I liked there without anyone moaning or calling me Nymphadora!
Anyway, we made our way upstairs, broke in to Harry’s room, he looked pretty freaked out to see us all there to be honest, and introduced ourselves.
When Remus told him that I was 'Nymphadora Tonks' I thought, that's it, the most famous kid in the world knows me as 'Nymphadora', but then he said that I only prefer to be called by my surname, or something like that. If I hadn't already been in love with him then, I would've fallen for him on the spot.'
Remus stared at the page. Tonks loved him? Tonks loved him. But how? Why? She was scarcely an adult; way off if you looked at her personality, he was middle-aged man and a poor, dangerous one at that. And how could she love him without him realising?
Maybe if he read on, he'd find out. Maybe it would be better if he didn't know. But how could he know that another human being loved him and not know the details. So he carried on reading.
He read about numerous conversations between him and Tonks, half of which he didn't even remember happening, yet she did, word for word.
He read about every single of their evenings together, all the times they had been on duty together, every time they had bumped into each other, every single humorous thing he had said to her was written down.
It was like a chronicle of his life with her, although it included other small things about Tonks' day to day life. It was extraordinary.
But one bit caught his attention more than the rest, it was written the day after he told her that he was a werewolf, a month after she had seemed to have developed feelings for him:
'Dear Diary,
Yesterday, Remus told me that he was a werewolf.
Of course, he didn't just sit me down and tell me, he dropped loads of hints, and when I didn't get it he sat down next to me and said: 'Tonks, I have something to tell you, something you may not like.' My immediate reaction was 'oh no, he knows about my feelings about him' then I thought 'maybe he likes me and he's about to tell me?' it was confusing.
But no, he just said 'I'm a werewolf.' Just like that, and I just stared at him and he then told me that I probably didn't want him to be a part of my life now I knew and I was just, like, 'of course I still do! You’re my best friend!' And he gave me a hug and everything carried on as normal, well normal for him, not for me.
I do still want him to be part of my life, he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. True, I do seem to be more childish and clumsy in his presence, but who isn't when they're in love?
And I am in love. I love his shabby clothes, and the way he gets this strand of hair in his eyes all the time, and the way his eyes sparkle when he's about to beat me at Muggle chess or Scrabble, and the way he's always so calm and professional and, oh, a million other wonderful little things about him! He's the most amazing person I've ever met, but I can't tell him.
I know every single argument he'd throw at me if I told him. He'd tell me he was too old for me, too poor, and now he'd probably tell me he was too dangerous as well.
And I hate it so much, I don't care about any of those things, I never have done and never will do.
Every moment in his presence is a nightmare to me because I can't tell him. It's not fair.
I love him so much.'
Remus has been so absorbed in the diary, in the truth about Tonks, that he hadn't seen that the sun had set and the moon had come out. It was only when he saw a silvery light illuminating his tired face in the mirror opposite the sofa when he realised what was about to happen and where he was.
He dropped the diary on the floor and leapt to his feet. He had to get out of there, what if Tonks came back? Panic and fear lanced through his body. He could hurt her. She loved him and he could hurt her. He wouldn't let that happen! But if he went out, he'd hurt so many other people. Then he'd Apparate, why didn't he think of that before? But it was too late.
An excruciating pain ripped through Remus' body as his transformation began.
*
Tonks was standing impatiently outside Remus' door. She had been ringing the doorbell and knocking on every single window and door for hours and Remus hadn't answered. Men! It never occurred to her that Remus could be some place else.
When her watch told her it was midday, she decided that Remus wasn't there and he wasn't about to come back anytime soon, so she Apparated to headquarters to see if she could find him there.
She entered the kitchen to find Dumbledore sitting with his head buried deep in the palms of his hands, Sirius slumped in a chair in a corner of the room, and Mrs Weasley pacing, her face a picture of worry.
When she coughed to announce her arrival, there was uproar. Dumbledore sighed loudly, obviously with relief, and sat back in his chair, calm and mature once more.
Sirius jumped up and ran to her with his arms wide open as if to hug her, however, when he reached her, he decided against it and settled for a pat on her shoulder.
Mrs Weasley however had no such embarrassment, she charged over to Tonks and pulled her into the tightest and biggest hug she had ever received. When Tonks complained of not being able to breath, she was finally released.
"Ok, that's the weirdest welcome I've ever got, including that time I ended up in the Slytherin common room. What's up?"
"Please, Tonks, take a seat and I'll explain everything," Dumbledore promised.
So Tonks sat.
"There was a small emergency involving yet another regurgitating toilet last night, fortunately handled by Mr Weasley this morning, that we thought we could use your expertise for. I tried various methods of contacting you throughout the night, with no luck. We became extremely worried and called in Remus to look for you. Obviously he has found you and sent you our way-"
"What? Remus didn't find me! I've been knocking on his door all morning!" Tonks protested.
"I see," Dumbledore said, "it seems we are now missing another member."
He frowned, placed the tips of each finger together and gently lent on them.
"And you have no idea where he is, Tonks?" Sirius asked, concerned.
"None whatsoever, I spent last night at his house and he didn't come or go."
Realising how weird this must sound to them, and taking in their shocked and appalled faces, she hastily corrected herself.
"I mean, I spent last night outside of his house, I needed to tell him something, but I didn't want to disturb him... oh never mind, I'll explain properly later," Tonks said, folding her arms defensively. "Anyway, I've been knocking since about seven this morning and, even if he Apparated back to his house, he would have heard and answered. There's no way I could have missed him."
"I spoke to him very early this morning in order to ask him to search for you," Dumbledore explained.
"Oh, well, he must still be looking for me then, I guess. Well, I'll just have to go looking for him. I'll Apparate into his house this time, no matter how rude it is, and look around. I'll follow any clues I find to where he might be, and then I'll report back at six," Tonks said, surprised at how logical she sounded when inside, her heart was pounding.
Remus was missing, if he didn't turn up, what would she do? How could she live without him? She couldn't.
"Very well, Tonks, I wish you the very best of luck and we shall hear from you at six o'clock," Dumbledore said.
Tonks nodded once and Apparated to Remus' humble abode.
*
The werewolf sniffed around. He could smell meat. Meat was good, was chewy and tasted good. He crawled into the kitchen. The scent was stronger there. It was coming from the fridge.
The creature rested his snout against the object and sniffed up and down. It was chicken. He liked chicken. He wanted the chicken.
He nudged the fridge with his head. It doesn’t do anything. He bangs harder. Why doesn’t it open? He is hungry and he wants food!
The werewolf howled with frustration and took a running charge at it, this time he made a small dent. And he hurt his head. He howled again, louder.
Something bangs on the floor and a woman's voice yelled out:
"Oi! Tonks, keep it down up there!"
Tonks. He knew that name. He whimpered, he knew that name but he didn’t know why.
Forgetting about food, the werewolf skulked out of the kitchen and into the hallway.
*
Tonks crept through the deserted, silent hallway of Remus' house. She didn't know why she was creeping, but she had never been in his house before, who knew what uncanny things she might stumble upon?
Everything had an aura of him about it. Everything was calm and kind and so perfect. In Tonks' eyes, anyway. The normal person would see a small, shabby but well loved home that belonged to a single person, not a family for there were no toys strewn across the floor and only one bed in the entire bungalow. And everything was so neat.
Eventually, Tonks stepped into the small kitchen. It was pristine, except for a cup full of cold tea on the kitchen table. It looked like someone had just absently left it there as they hurried away. Tonks realised with a pang that that must have been exactly what Remus had done that very morning.
She didn't like his tea. She didn't say so of course. Whereas she loved three teaspoons heaped with sugar and lots of creamy milk, he drank his with no sugar whatsoever and only the tiniest drop of milk, so that it was sharp and strong and bitter.
Tonks smiled, they were so different, yet so the same. It was quite funny, really.
There were lots of post-its on the fridge. Tonks curiously went up and read a few, in case they might be of any help, she told herself. In truth, she just wanted to know more about his mysterious life he managed to keep from her, no matter how much he was interrogated.
"Get potion off Severus."
"Need milk and bread by Saturday."
"Buy that book by Philip K. Dick, Andy mentioned."
Tonks had no idea who Andy was, though she assumed he was one of the Order, or maybe just an old friend. Who knew?
There were many more insignificant, ordinary notes like this, and buried at the bottom, a few from years ago, when he was still teaching at Hogwarts. Some went back even before that.
Deciding there was nothing of interest on the fridge, Tonks wandered back into the hallway and into each of the other rooms. Each one was worn, but well loved and extremely comfortable, just like the man who lived there.
But everything was so neat, and every room had it's own different stack of books of a wide variety of topics, it made Tonks wonder where he went when he transformed. Although, from what he had told her, the potion that Snape made calmed him down enough to be able to curl up and sleep during the night.
She sighed. He obviously wasn't in the house, she had searched everywhere with no evidence as to where he could be.
Frowning, Tonks Apparated to the nearby park, he had once told her that it was a good place to go in the evenings to read.
She strolled through the grass as the sun started to set, eventually arriving at the murky old pond. It was filthy and full of moulting ducks. Tonks couldn't see what Remus saw in it. Although, he always managed to see the good in people, even her.
He'd probably tell her one day that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was just a troubled mind, not an evil creature trying to take over the world. Tonks sighed.
She sat down on the bench and wondered how many times and how long Remus spent down here.
He had no proper friends that she knew of other than her, Sirius and this mysterious Andy guy. Sirius was shut away at Grimmauld Place, she was asleep half the day and always on duty and who knew about this weird Andy dude?
After a while, and after deciding that ducks were really quite useless in the scheme of things, Tonks realised that Remus wasn't coming and she should search elsewhere.
After checking her watch and realising that it was nine o'clock at night, she quickly Apparated to the front of her flat.
After all, if Remus was still looking for her, what better place to look but where she lived?
She arrived at the front of her door, stumbling over her feet three times in the darkness until she eventually found her front door.
Tonks opened it, not knowing that a fully-grown werewolf was waiting to greet her.
On My Own by JC_Cainstone
Chapter Notes: I'm really sorry this took so long! It was mainly due to my stupid mistakes in a million things so my grateful thanks to the amazing MNFF staff. Enjoy :)